FicWad

Guilt must have covered my face.
“What… the hell… happened?” she asked me, pacing and running her hand through her hair. I couldn’t help but cry loudly now, sobbing and trying to hide my face. I cowered on the couch.
“I didn’t mean to!” was all I could say, and it was probably the lamest excuse I could come up with. Unfortunately, it just made Manda even madder.
“Oh! You mean you didn’t mean to make out with Frank or you didn’t mean to get caught making out with Frank! What the hell were you thinking! He’s with someone else, he’s with a /man/.” I cringed as she stressed the words.
“I wasn’t thinking.” I admitted softly, trying to quit crying. I was an adult and look what I had gotten myself into! I looked up at her angry face, she didn’t express an ounce of sympathy as she glared at me. I whispered, “Is Frank in trouble?” My question was barely audible, I couldn’t help feeling so horrible.
She sighed and looked at me, sitting down and wrapping her arm around me. I collapsed into her side and began to tremble. “I don’t know.” She said simply, stroking my hair to calm me down.
I chuckled slightly, “It’s been years since I’ve seen you guys. Now we’re going on tour and look what’s already happened! It’s only the first fucking night.” She looked at me with a sad, pained look in her face. I knew she hated to see my cry. Fuck, if only she knew how much I really cried.
“This is a problem.” She finally said after a stretched out silence. I couldn’t help wondering if she considered me to be the problem, or Frank. It was obvious that I was the problem and I couldn’t help but slide back into my tears.
“I-I’m s-so s-ssorry…” I said between struggled breaths. “I just loved them so much and then I convinced myself that I was in love with Frank and then so many years passed by and, and I was never able to get over it.” I admitted to her in a flurry of words. She looked at me strangely.
“Ya know, you’ve changed a lot.” She said, choosing her words carefully.
“Yea, I just keep getting more and more fucked up.”
She nodded, “This whole van is full of fuck ups, you’re in the right place.”
I simply shook my head no and closed my eyes. Exhaustion and the stress of the day put me into a deep sleep. I didn’t notice when she replaced her body with a pillow and covered me with a blanket. I didn’t notice the morning come, and I didn’t notice Gerard peeking into the room at one point to see me sleeping with dry tears plastered to my face. The next show came and went and it wasn’t until the clock read 4 in the morning that my full bladder and empty stomach woke me up.

With a jolt I remembered every event that had happened, and it dawned at me that no one cared, wanted to, nor made an effort to wake me up. I went to the bathroom and grabbed food from the kitchen area, returning to the empty studio. I grabbed my aching head in my hands. Gerard must be so angry! I was surprised that he hadn’t woken me up to yell at me. I decided that he must have concluded that I wasn’t worth it. I went out of the studio again and grabbed some headache medicine and a glass of water. Swallowing the pill, I returned again to the couch. I curled up, knowing that it would be unhealthy if I fell asleep again, even though I did not feel refreshed and still wanted to crash. Fuck it, if Maria had been here she would call me a wreck, hell, even emotionally unstable. My mind was in utter turmoil. Despite myself, I yet again fell asleep. It wasn’t as deep as before, which was good because I was awakened when I heard multiple voices in the kitchen, getting breakfast ready.

There was no mirror in the studio, and I felt too ashamed to open the door and join everyone. Against my better judgment, I poked my head out the door. Mocha was by the door and he looked up at me, stood and walked in through the small crack. I looked around, the room had become silent and they were all looking at me, judging. I quickly closed the door and cuddled with the pitbull on the couch. I said into his fur, “You don’t seem like a Mocha. I’m sorry for changing your name, this is the last time.” He looked at me with his big puppy dog eyes expectantly. I softly sang to him, “And I’d be your Lloyd Dobbler, with a boom box out in the street. And I’ll be there if you need someone… even if he isn’t me.” I looked at Lloyd Dobbler. It was perfect, only, everyone on the bus would kill me. A soft knock came on the door, I froze. “It’s me.” Lisa said walking into the room. I relaxed a bit as she came in and sat next to me.

“I heard you saying something.” She told me, it was obvious that she didn’t know what though.
“He doesn’t seem like a Mocha.” I told her, pointing to the puppy. “Meet Lloyd Dobbler.” I gave a nervous small smile as she gave me a look when I said the name. “It doesn’t mean anything. He looks like a Lloyd Dobbler. This has nothing to do with Frank.” Okay, little lie there. At least it wasn’t intended to be with Frank, but the name was so perfect. She only nodded.
“Like Bobert.” She smiled at the memory. Before she and Bob ever dated, she decided that she wanted a blonde kitty with blue eyes that she could name Bobert. I was glad that she understood.
“You’re different.” I said finally. “You’re less hyper, more understanding. Or at least, you know when to be more understanding and less hyper.”
She nodded. “Lots of things happen.” I cringed, we had grown so far apart. How could I let this happen! I hugged her quietly.
“You’re going to have to face all of them.” She said quietly.
“Who’s out there?” I said, accepting my fate.
“Everyone except Gerard and Amanda. They’re still asleep.” She assured me as I looked at her.
“Make me look okay?” I begged. She nodded and left the room, coming back shortly with a brush, a cup of water, and a washcloth. I brushed out my hair, dampened the towel and washed away the old makeup from my face. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, hoping I was slightly more presentable, and walked out of the room with Lisa, keeping my eyes on the floor. Lloyd Dobbler followed into the silence. Mikey stabbed his waffle with his fork, Frank played with his cereal, swirling it around in his milk with a spoon, Ray continued to eat his breakfast and looked at Lisa. Bob was silently sitting next to Jenny with Gerard (the snake) around her neck. She said good morning in a cheery voice. I looked at her sadly as Lisa sat me down and brought me some yogurt and a spoon. “Hi,” I said weakly back to the little girl before focusing on my food.

I slowly finished up the yogurt. Amanda walked in rubbing her eyes before spotting me. I threw out the finished carton and plastic spoon. “You’re a mess.” She told me. I nodded, as if I hadn’t known! She sat me down on the couch away from the kitchen area and we just sat there. I didn’t want to be heard, but I also didn’t want to steal Amanda into another room. “It’s really quiet.” I said, trying not to be heard. She nodded.
“We never picked up any of your clothes or things.” She told me plainly. I shook my head slowly.
“Maybe I should just go back to college. I’ve caused too much trouble as it is.”
It was her turn to shake her head. “You’re a wreck, I’m not letting you go back to school like this.” She sighed and continued, “I talked to your mom; she called the school and explained everything so you’re not going to be in trouble.” I stayed silent, not wanting to tell her that I was already in trouble anyway.
“Gerard’s still asleep. Why don’t you go and take a shower, okay? You must feel disgusting.” She gave me some towels and explained everything before allowing myself to lock the door and get in the shower.

I finished a few minutes later, telling myself not to take a long shower and waste the water, no matter how much I wanted to. Even after I was clean I couldn’t help but feel dirty. No matter what I did, I still tasted Frank on my lips.
Making sure I was covered, I stepped out of the bathroom. Everyone had gone somewhere else and I saw Amanda with Lloyd Dobbler on her lap, she had taken off the tag that said “Mocha” and was looking at it in her hand.
“Lisa told you,” I stated, walking into the room. She nodded and looked at the studio. I had a feeling that was my new room. I walked in and found a neat pile of clothes for me on the couch. I slowly slipped them on and brushed my hair with the brush Lisa had brought in from before. I came back out in the room in a pair of jeans and a baggy shirt that Amanda had lent me.

I sighed to the empty room, there was a lot of sighing lately. “How much damage?” I asked knowingly. She took her camera from her pocket and showed me a video from the performance that I had slept through. Frank was just standing there, keeping his distance. The whole band seemed more stiff. Gerard tried to be enthusiastic, but it was obvious that he had been troubled. I pushed the camera away and grabbed my hair in frustration. Not only was it a horrible show, but it was because of ME! I grabbed a pillow and shoved it against my face, willing myself not to breathe but not shoving it hard enough to cut off my air. “I HATE MYSELF!” I yelled into the pillow, as loud as I could, knowing that it would be muffled. Amanda gently pulled the pillow off of my face and looked at me. “I don’t know how we’re going to fix this.” She didn’t have to know because Gerard walked into the room with bed head and froze solid. He glared at me and I prepared myself for the screaming that was to follow. But no, he simply went to the kitchen and began preparing food for himself.

Gerard came over and sat down on an armchair after he had finished eating, Amanda and I had been silent the entire time.
“You fucked up.” He told me icily, his eyes pierced me and I felt pained. I didn’t trust my voice and nodded. I realized that silent Gerard was worse than the over-explanatory Gerard that talks so much at interviews.
“Why?” he finally asked.
“I don’t know.” I said simply, truthfully. Now it was coming.
“Bullshit!” he tried not to yell but it was unsuccessful for the most part.
“Well what do you want me to do!” I said back to him, “I can’t exactly go back and stop myself now can I! I fucked up, I feel bad, do you want me to go and kill myself because of it, ‘cause I’m about ready to!” I couldn’t help myself. He looked at me, now pained. I had struck a nerve in him that I hadn’t meant to hit. I slumped back into the couch, folding into myself. I didn’t cry because I couldn’t cry, my eyes were too dry.
He shook his head. Amanda looked at each of us, “She doesn’t mean it.” She told Gerard. I couldn’t take this. There was nothing that could solve this, nothing! I dashed back into the recording studio, Lloyd Dobbler at my feet. I closed the door and thought that I heard someone in the room. I looked around but there was no one in sight. I collapsed onto the couch. How could I possibly be so tired! I snuggled up with the pitbull and sang softly once more, trying to calm myself down. I kissed his soft head and sang, “And I’ll be your Lloyd Dobbler, with a boom box out in the street. And I’ll be there if you need someone… even if he isn’t me.” I buried my face into Lloyd Dobbler’s fur. A minute later, the door opened. I didn’t bother to look up. A light body sat down next to me.
“Why are you here?” Jenny asked. She had seen Frankie come in this room earlier, but hadn’t seen him come out. Jenny wanted to see why when she noticed that someone else came into the room. She came to see what was going on and found Frank hiding amongst the equipment, while I was oblivious to his presence.
“I don’t know.” I answered truthfully, there was no point in lying.
“Who are you?” she said again. It was then that I realized I had never formally met Jenny; she had no idea who I was!
“My name’s Emily, I’m an old friend of your mom.” It pained me to describe myself as an old friend.
“Does that mean you two aren’t friends anymore?” she asked as though she had read my mind.
“I hope we are.” I told her. “Your mom, Lisa, Maria, and I used to be the best of friends. We were practically inseparable.”
“That explains a lot.” She told me honestly.
I looked up at her, “It does?”
“Well… yea. You know each other’s names and you like My Chemical Romance. You even know the words to all of their songs.”
My eyes widened with shock. “You saw me?” I asked her.
She nodded, “There’s only one thing I don’t get. Even if you did like him, why would you kiss Frank?”
“I asked myself the same thing Jen… I don’t know.” I told her honestly, laying down on Lloyd Dobbler again.
“What’d you name him again?” she asked curiously.
“Lloyd Dobbler.”
She looked thoughtful then nodded her approval.
I smiled, at least Jenny didn’t hate me. “You’re very mature for your age, did you know that?” I asked her. She smiled at me, “I’ve been told that.” then she left the room.
A few seconds later her head popped in again, “If I were you, I’d talk to Frank… soon.” She said. The door clicked shut and she was gone for good.
I groaned in frustration. Damn that little girl! She was absolutely right. Unfortunately, the only thing I wanted to do right now was kill myself for my stupidity. I knew it would be unacceptable and didn’t even bother looking for a way how.




Only one chapter left after this. Like I said, the story is already finished. It's just a matter of you reading it! SO STAY TUNED! Rate, Review, Etc.