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The holiday season in Schwarzhaus was not marked by snow or calendars or the beginnings of consumer madness. There were never any lists made out or jokes about being naughty or nice-they were all far beyond that point if that had ever, in fact, actually been there in the first place. No, Christmas in Schwarzhaus generally began in a way that was loud, dangerous, but no longer an alarm to their neighbors after so many years.

It always began with Schuldig singing.

"Well the veather outside is frightful-ow, damn bulb..."

Crawford looked up from the paper he was reading in his secure little office.

"But the fire is OUT OF CONTROL! SHIT!"

Nagi sighed and exchanged a look with Brett as the fire extinguisher was put to use.

"And as long as you--FUCK, stupid fork--me soooOOooo...."

Kirito paused and pondered the Q-tip in his hand, wondering how much damage it could really do to an eardrum.

"Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it....We need to go shopping and start decorating, dear family. Come on, let's get a move on."

"Can't it wait until later?" Brett called into the other room. He saw his Uncle wince. "I mean, I know this is a bad time of the year for you but there's still almost a whole month before-"

"Brett James Crawford, you'll get your ass in here now or I will turn this house around and no one will get any porn tonight." Schuldig yelled back, in a voice that was far too like that of the hassled middle-aged mother across the street. Even the pitch was the same.

Nagi rubbed his forehead. "I hate the holidays. He's too easily influenced by outside forces."

"Yeah, well, we're lucky we managed to convince Uncle Far that it really has nothing to do with religion. Otherwise we'd have two nutcases in the house every December."

"You mean we don't every other month of the year?"

"Point."

Another yell from the living room interrupted them. "I'm WAITING."

The house seemed to groan along with the rest of them.



Two hours later, Kirito had wrapped Brett in blinking lights from head to foot and stuffed a plastic glittered apple into the redhead's mouth. The tree had had tinsel on it but it seemed to have disappeared into thin air earlier that day at an alarming and mystifying rate. Nagi was setting up the nativity, which was not so much a nativity as a model manger with action figures stuck inside for Schwarz's amusement. Personally, he thought his Xena doll made a smashing Mary.

And maybe the red-shirted Trekkie figure was a bit much for baby Jesus, but he was working with limited materials at the moment.

"I think the Harry, Hermione, and Ron should be the Wise Men," he mumbled to himself and tapped his chin with his index finger. "Malfoy can be a shepherd. He likes minions."

"Everyone likes minions," Schuldig pointed out. He had calmed down after a smoke and half a box of the mint chocolates Crawford kept a supply of for emergencies. "There's something wrong with you if you don't."

"I thought you said they were too much work?"

Schuldig didn't answer for a moment, becoming suddenly transfixed with the Nutcracker he pulled out of a box, then snickered. "Not if you know how to work with them. For instance..." he paused and glanced towards the tree. "Brat! Get me some more of that chocolate!"

Brett huffed. "I'm kind of busy now, what with being a festive mummy and all."

"BRETT JAMES CRAW-"

"Alright, alright! Just stop with the soccer mom act. It's freaky. And my middle name isn't James. I don't have a middle name." He huffed again and hobbled down the hall in a tangle of lights.

Nagi made an impressed sound. "I'm impressed," he said and briefly considered asking his son to fetch him more action figures, then realized this wouldn't actually involve Kirito moving an inch.

The German buffed his nails on his black shirt and smirked. "Of course you are, kid. I should have spawned earlier. Ages ago, even."

Nagi had a sudden, horrible vision of a world filled with annoying red-haired Vikings rubbing sticks together and snickering about it. And was suddenly very grateful for the world he lived in now.

"You know, Schu, you just made me realize the true spirit of Christmas."

"Eh?" Schuldig raised an eyebrow as he took the box his hobbling son had just tossed at him and threw it on the coffee table. Brett sputtered, said something about "what was the point of it then?" but Schuldig wasn't feeling very philosophical at the moment so he ignored the question. "Spirit?" Then his voice wobbled a bit and changed tone. "I could use some goddamn spirits. Goddamn husband, with some hussy on the side, is he here helping me with the kids? Of course not. Where's my wine? Where's my bathrobe?"

Nagi shoved the box of chocolates into his hand. "You should go shoot something."

The telepath blinked and grimaced. "I think I will. I'll be doing everyone a favor by keeping the crazed human population down. Fuckin holidays." He bit viciously into a piece of candy. "So where's the Farfster and princess anyway?"

"She heard you singing this morning and made her Da take her out. I think she knew what was happening even before the rest of us did. By the first ear-splitting note you sang, they were gone."

Schuldig grinned. "She's a smart girl, our Cailin."

"Did you just agree that your singing is bad?" Nagi looked aghast.

"I'm vain, not delusional."

There was a crash, a yelp, and a string of curses from the other side of the room, causing two pairs of eyes to snap over to the source. The tree was a foot away from toppling completely over, held up by invisible hands, and the ugly home-made ornaments the spawn had made as children-googly eyes in odd places and flaking red and green glitter everywhere-were hanging like bizarre bats in a cave.

"Brett! What the /hell/?!" Kirito kicked his cousin as best he could, given their positions, a tangle of angry limbs and garland.

The younger redhead was snarling. "'The hell' is this. I get rid of one of those unholy electric snake vices, finally you bastard, only to get stuck in your girly gold garland that you deliberately put in front of me."

"It's gold. How could you not see it?!"

"Electric snake vice! I'm scarred for life."

Kirito pushed his cousin off. "We already knew that and it has nothing to do with holiday lights."

"Ha! I hope you choke on a googly eye, you bastard."

"A what?" Kirito blinked and stood, shaking his head and using his powers to right the tree again.

"Googly eye," Brett repeated and picked up the beheaded angel that always topped their Christmas tree. He snorted. "Remember that time Uncle Far took the 'sees you when you're sleeping' thing too seriously and laid traps around the house?"

"It took a month for Uncle Schu's eyebrows to grow back after he tripped the fireplace one. I didn't know he could scream that loud."

"That was great."

Schuldig growled, making the two teens snap their mouths closed, and marched into the kitchen. "I need spirits!"

Nagi looked at the beheaded angel and envied its lack of senses.


The next day, he was still envying it. Nagi looked imploringly to Crawford, who had thus far managed to avoid the entire holiday situation. "Schuldig's been lounging on the couch all night. Drunk."

Crawford scowled and glanced at the couch. There was a bathrobed lump on it, humming merrily and waving something about. "Drunk? Again? That's the third time this week. And it's Monday."

"Clearly he has a problem," Nagi stated dryly. "Can't you take him to work or something? He can take my next mission and I'll wait for Far and Cailin."

"I do NOT hava problem. I'm not even uninhibin....inhib....three sssscheets to the wind! It's the Christmas spirit." Schuldig waved his bottle more, with a triumphant air, as if it explained everything about the universe. To him, it probably did, but the other men had not his worldly knowledge or blood-alcohol level.

"How is being drunk being in the Christmas spirit?"

"It's eggnog. See. Holiday."

"That's not even eggnog. That's a bottle of brandy."

"I'm making due," Schuldig admitted and clucked his tongue. "We had neither eggs nor nogs, whatever the fuck that is."

Crawford checked his watch. A couple hours before he had to leave. "Schuldig, get up and dressed and preferably sober. We have a hit at 2 a.m. sharp."

"I am dressed. Ssssseeeee?"

"That's a bathrobe. You look like my Aunt Midge, only without the hair curlers, poodle, and bon bons. Do you even have anything on underneath it?"

A leer worked itself across pointed features. "Mistletoe."

Nagi frowned. "Where do you....oh. Oh, god. Take my brain, please. I can't handle this anymore." He threw his arms up in the air and stomped into the kitchen to make coffee.

Schuldig hummed 'Jingle Bells'.

"Get up. Now. We'll make use of the mistletoe later. But now, we have a job to do," Crawford said and physically hauled the German to his feet. "There's a small time but pesky drug-dealer that's interfering with one of our client's own business. Apparently he's posing as a mall Santa for the time being and making deals after hours."

Schuldig perked right up, alcohol haze pushed away by bloodlust. "I get to shoot Santa?" he asked gleefully, like a kid on...well, Christmas.

"If you want."

"Brad, you give me the best presents."