FicWad

Prologue

VOICEOVER- A long, long time ago, on a message board far, far away, nerds everywhere had nothing to talk about because Harry Potter hadn’t been written yet. It was a dark time indeed, no one could debate whether Snape was good or evil, or dress up as their favorite Gryffindor, and if you asked someone if they wanted to play Quidditch, you would be slapped like a disobedient chimp. Then one day a miracle happened. J.K. Rowling, while riding a train had a brilliant idea. She would satisfy the needs of the public for Harry Potter with a genius idea, writing Harry Potter. Fanboys and fangirls everywhere rejoiced, and the world was never the same.
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KEIFER SUTHERLAND- Previously in Harry Potter.
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MUGGLE PRIME MINISTER- What do you mean that extremists have been active in my country committing terrible acts and I had no idea. Who do I look like, George Bush!
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NARCISSA- Severus, do promise to help Draco complete his task.
SNAPE- Yes.
NARCISSA- Promise.
SNAPE- Yes.
NARCISSA- Promise promise.
SNAPE- Yes.
NARCISSA- Swear on you mother’s grave.
SNAPE- Yes.
NARCISSA- Pinky swear.
SNAPE- Yes
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MINISTY PHAMPLET- Who-Know-Who is back! Here’s some safety tips but really the point we are trying to make is that we are totally f*ed.
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HARRY- Professor, what’s wrong with your had.
DUMBLEDORE- I was attacked by a ring.
HARRY- No seriously, what’s up with your hand.
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DUMBLEDORE- Harry, I would like you to meet my old friend Horace Slughorn. He is well known for his ties to the rich and famous and coasting through life on the success of others.
HARRY- So he’s the wizard Paris Hilton.
SLUGHORN-…That’s hot.
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HARRY- Wow Fred and George, your store has everything!
FRED- We sure do, fake wands…
GEORGE- Puking Pastilles…
FRED- Love potions…
LOVE POTION- Bow-chica-bow-wow.
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DRACO- I’ve become a tragic villain!
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DUMBLEDORE- And now I would like to introduce your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Snape.
SNAPE- Victory is mine!
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HARRY- Well I have this book that is clearly full of dark magic, but hey, finders keepers.
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SLUGHORN- This here is like…a potion…that like…makes you lucky…cool.
RON- Make you lucky, if I take that then I won’t die a…
HARRY- No! Leave that joke back in the past where it belongs!
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RON-…
HERMIONE-…
SEXUAL TENSION- OH YEAH!
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DUMBLEDORE- Harry, in order to defeat Voldemort, we must travel back to the past so we can learn his weaknesses.
HARRY- Sweet, were going back in time, just like Back to the Future, except less of me almost having sex with my own mother. O.K. I’m Marty and you can be the Doc.
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HARRY- Ginny, even though I never thought it before and never felt it till right now, I love you.
GINNY- Score!
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DUMBLEDORE- Voldemort has split his soul into 7 pieces, and we must destroy them all.
HARRY…That’s it. You just stating the mission? No punch line?
DUMBLEDORE- I really can’t think of a Horcrux joke.
HARRY- You shame me.
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DUMBLEDORE- Harry, I need you to make sure that I drink all of this potion.
HARRY- CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!
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DUMBLEDORE- Severus…please…let me have a cup of sugar to make brownies.
SNAPE- Like hell! Avada Kedavra!
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MOLLY- Oh my Bill! Your face!
FLEUR- Zat iz O.K., I have ‘nough zexy for de both of uz.
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REMUS- I’m sorry Tonks, I’m too old, too poor, and too dangerous!
TONKS- But true love knows no limits.
REMUS- I guess…I mean look at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
TONKS- Well actually he’s a borderline lunatic who brainwashes her, but point taken.
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HARRY- The locket, it’s a fake.
LOCKET- Owned!
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PETER PARKER- I’m sorry MJ, but I can’t see you anymore…
VOICEOVER- Hold up! That’s Spider-Man, this is Harry Potter!
PETER PARKER- Yes but in both dark haired boys with glasses and amazing powers break up with their red-head girlfriends in order to protect them from their enemies.
VOICEOVER- Touché.
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AND NOW, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!