FicWad

Blonde, happy, valedictorian, best friend, best daughter, best girlfriend, perfect body, best over all. Back then I sounded like a fucking award show winner. That’s exactly what I was: to the outside observers. That’s what I wish I would have been, best in fucking show.
Naturally brunette, content, college drop out, worst friend, mother hater, vulnerable “lover”, alcoholic, dysfunctional over all. That’s what I would win right now, today I am that to the outside and inside observer. It’s what I’ve become.

Looking in the mirror is the worst thing that’s happened so far this afternoon. Looking “good” is not on the agenda; it never really is. But neither is look bruised or beat up, somehow that always finds its way into my agenda.
The thing is being this way doesn’t bother me anymore, all I can do is smile to myself. If I would have listened to Gerard’s advice 5 years ago, if I wasn’t so naïve then, the smile wouldn’t be about a memory it would be about the present.

5 years back.
Standing at my locker he tried to stick his hand up my skirt. Gently I slapped his hand away. “Sam, stop it!”
“At least let me get something from you before you go get it from him!” looking over my shoulder I glared. “ I’m not getting any from him or you, why are you acting like this?”
“ I don’t want you changing your mind about everything.”
“I’m not, no worries.” I tried to force a smile but I failed. Sam pinned me up against the locker. “Good!” he forced a kiss on me, I showered and hurried off to school parking lot. Before I even had the chance to get in my car, someone turned me around and hugged me tightly. The mystery person smelled of liquor and cigarettes, I knew exactly who it was.
When he finally let go I ruffled his hair playfully.
“ You scared the crap out of me…lets sit in my car and talk.” quickly we both sat down in the back of the car. Tightly, I wrapped my arms around him, he smiled down at me. He gently rubbed his face in my hair engulfing the smell, then he kissed my forehead. I giggled giving him a small kiss on the neck. This was a normal thing for us, we were close.
“Cleaveland, tell me what you are thinking.”
“Hmm…I’m thinking how amazing is it to have my best friend back in town. Thinking how much it will suck once you leave again.”
“Well, your senior year is almost over…taking me up on my offer?”
“Gerard, you know I want to so bad but I can’t leave Sam like that.”
He looked at me confused. “Sam?….Sam.”
“Sam….I ‘m staying here in New Jersey with him.”
He smiled. “ It’s okay , I’m not to heartbroken I suspected this. I mean Sam is the love of your life right?”
He caught me off guard with that question, I almost choked on my words. “Oh…yeah. Sam, the love of my life. Right”
We both looked at each other and laughed, we both knew that was a lie. Finally I stopped laughing and just looked at him in awe. A year changed him so much, he looked more mature. My heart started to beat faster when my brain realized what was happening, I was leaning in towards him. I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop myself, I’ve wanted this too bad. He met me half way and our lips met. What a feeling, just from kissing him I was out of breath. The kiss made me feel dizzy , made me want to laugh, everything was fuzzy, the good kind. The drunk kid of fuzzy, but much more meaningful and powerful then that.
After a while he pushed me back gently.
“Cleaveland, I love you so much.”
Then he got out of the car and walked away.
From that moment on everything Sam was I compared to Gerard.