Categories > TV > Black Adder
The Black Transvestite
2 reviewsDon't judge the story by the title, it's better than that. Edmund Blackadder believed that when he signed up for the movie time-share deal, he'd get "Goldfinger" or "Die Another Day", even "Johnny ...
2Funny
The Black Transvestite INT. FRANK-N-FURTER MANOR: We fade into what could be considered a Black Adder interpretation of FRANK-N-FURTER's laboratory, replete with the tank, et all. BALDRICK enters from the lift, wearing RIFF-RAFF's butler outfit. He looks around the laboratory, taking it all in. Finally, he speaks:
BALDRICK: (to no-one in particular) Well, this is a turn-up, innit?
Suddenly, a voice speaks from off-screen.
GEORGE: (irritated) I would like to make a complaint!
GEORGE stalks into the laboratory, wearing MAGENTA's maid outfit. BALDRICK stares at him, torn between the urge to laugh and the urge to scream his head off.
GEORGE: How did I get stuck in this bloody outfit anyway?
BALDRICK: I dunno, actually. I think this is all Mr. Blackadder's doing, actually. (pauses) Where is he?
Suddenly-
EDMUND: (furious) /BALDRICK!!!/
BALDRICK: Ah, and that would be him right there!
EDMUND storms on-screen, wearing FRANK-N-FURTER's full regalia along with leather pants and a jacket, and probably feeling worse than a Roman guard who had been chosen for harem guard duty.
EDMUND: How the bloody hell did we get stuck in this movie?! I was absolutely certain we'd get "Die Another Day" or "Goldfinger", and yet here we are, stuck in one of the strangest films since "How Strange Can A Film Get?" won the Strangest Film of the Year award.
GEORGE: Well, you can't necessarily blame us-
EDMUND: No, but it'd make me feel a little better.
GEORGE: I mean, the film-share application form did say that the film you ended up with would be chosen entirely by them!
EDMUND: Yes, and I thought I'd bribed them sufficiently enough to land us the film I wanted! Apparently the thousand dollars, amusing clock, and sack of French porn from "Duel and Duality" wasn't enough...
BALDRICK: You mean to say that if you'd given them my thingy-shaped turnip from "Beer", I could have been playing Q right now, sir?
GEORGE: Or Bough at the very least...
EDMUND: No, but I think your surgically-removed turnip-shaped thingy and the assurance that you would never create any descendents would have swung the situation in my favor, I think.
BALDRICK: In that case, sir, I'll take the butler outfit.
EDMUND: Pity.
He sulks.
GEORGE: Ah... What part did you get, Edmund?
EDMUND: Don't worry, I already checked in the script. He's absolutely mad. Madder than my cousin McAdder and Mad Jack McMad combined. (of his outfit) Take a look at this outfit. What does this outfit scream at the top of its lungs as if it just had been castrated without anesthesia, if not "mad"?
GEORGE and BALDRICK glance at each other.
EDMUND: Well?
GEORGE: I... ah... don't believe I'm at liberty to say, exactly, considering that I am in a maid's outfit.
EDMUND frowns.
EDMUND: And you, Baldrick?
BALDRICK: No comment, sir.
EDMUND thinks for a minute, then opens his mouth.
BALDRICK: (anticipating the suggestion) And no, I do not wish to switch parts.
EDMUND: Oh, bugger it. Look at us! We're back to Black Adder season 1 now! Except... Where is Percy?
BALDRICK: I don't know, sir. (pause) Why do you ask?
EDMUND: Because during all this ranting and raving I've been doing, he hasn't made a peep. It's almost as if he died and no one told me. And, as much as I would dearly love it to be true, I know it unfortunately isn't.
PERCY: (off-screen) Sir?
PERCY walks on-screen dressed as BRAD and toting a copy of the script.
PERCY: I say, did you take a look at this script?
EDMUND: (sarcastic) As much as I'd rather look down an out-of-order toilet during a plague of diarrhea, yes.
PERCY: Oh, come now, this is brilliant stuff! (opens the script at a random point) Like, um, like this song here.
EDMUND: Oh, please, not that one.
PERCY: Oh, yes sir.
Both men say the next line at the exact same moment, PERCY saying it cheerfully, while EDMUND says it irritably.
PERCY/EDMUND: "The Time Warp".
PERCY: Come now! Just because you're wearing women's underwear and a corset doesn't mean you can grouse at these lyrics.
GEORGE: Let me have a look.
PERCY passes the script to GEORGE, who takes out a pair of reading glasses, putting them on.
GEORGE: Let's see here...
As GEORGE reads from the script, PERCY proceeds to do the dance, complete with the old soundtrack.
GEORGE: (reading) "It's just a jump to the left-"
The music from the original movie soundtrack starts up, including the singers.
PERCY: (with the song) "And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-ight-"
GEORGE: (reading the Criminologist's part) "With your hands on your hips-"
PERCY: "You bring your knees in tight;
But it's the pelvic-"
EDMUND has been watching this with increasing annoyance, and finally snaps
EDMUND: (cutting Percy off) All right, all right, I get the idea. (pause) Where's Melchett? And "Bob", a.k.a. Ms. Katherine? And, though I do appreciate the lack of ego around here, where's that idiot Flashheart?
MELCHETT: (off-screen) Blackadder?
MELCHETT walks on-screen, dressed as the CRIMINOLOGIST.
MELCHETT: I see we didn't get "Goldfinger"?
EDMUND: And what tipped you off to /that/, eh? Perhaps the lack of beautiful women hanging off me?
MELCHETT: There was that, and the fact that I'm not speaking with a German accent.
EDMUND: (flatly) True...
ELIZABETH: (off-screen, sweetly) Oh, Edmund...
EDMUND: ("Here it comes") Oh no...
ELIZABETH saunters on-screen, dressed as JANET.
ELIZABETH: How do I look?
EDMUND: Well, that's another member of the lunatics' club here...
KATE: (off-screen) Sorry, I'm late.
Now KATE, dressed as COLUMBIA.
EDMUND: Well, the gang's almost all here. (curious) Where's Flashheart?
PERCY: Well, you do know how he comes out of the ice locker and sings, right?
EDMUND: Yes, and I make like he's a block of ice with legs, arms, and a head. What of it?
PERCY: Well...
CUT to the ice locker. We hear FLASHHEART pounding on the door from the other side.
FLASHHEART: Hello? Anybody out there? Could someone let me out? Or at least call the 500 women who are going to kill themselves and let them know where I am?
CUT back to EDMUND and the rest.
PERCY: So, shall we start?
EDMUND: Hold on. (yells) /CUT!!!/
The screen flashes, and we see all the cast of both Black Adder and Rocky Horror Picture Show just standing in the room, everyone now wearing their normal clothes, including a woman DIRECTOR in her late twenties.
DIRECTOR: What's going on? Which one of you ninnies said cut?!
EDMUND: Never mind. Can I get a chainsaw over here?
FRANK: (realizes where this is going) Uh-oh. (starts to edge away from EDMUND)
A rubber chicken appears in EDMUNDS outstretched hand.
EDMUND: No...
The rubber chicken changes into an ice pick.
EDMUND: No, but you're close. (changes his mind) Never mind, just give me a big mallet.
Said mallet appears.
EDMUND: Now...
He slowly approaches FRANK-N-FURTER, who takes off like a shot, EDMUND in pursuit.
EDMUND: Bring your transvestite arse back here and take your punishment like a man!
The DIRECTOR shakes her head and sighs.
DIRECTOR: Why'd I take this job in the first place?
THE END
BALDRICK: (to no-one in particular) Well, this is a turn-up, innit?
Suddenly, a voice speaks from off-screen.
GEORGE: (irritated) I would like to make a complaint!
GEORGE stalks into the laboratory, wearing MAGENTA's maid outfit. BALDRICK stares at him, torn between the urge to laugh and the urge to scream his head off.
GEORGE: How did I get stuck in this bloody outfit anyway?
BALDRICK: I dunno, actually. I think this is all Mr. Blackadder's doing, actually. (pauses) Where is he?
Suddenly-
EDMUND: (furious) /BALDRICK!!!/
BALDRICK: Ah, and that would be him right there!
EDMUND storms on-screen, wearing FRANK-N-FURTER's full regalia along with leather pants and a jacket, and probably feeling worse than a Roman guard who had been chosen for harem guard duty.
EDMUND: How the bloody hell did we get stuck in this movie?! I was absolutely certain we'd get "Die Another Day" or "Goldfinger", and yet here we are, stuck in one of the strangest films since "How Strange Can A Film Get?" won the Strangest Film of the Year award.
GEORGE: Well, you can't necessarily blame us-
EDMUND: No, but it'd make me feel a little better.
GEORGE: I mean, the film-share application form did say that the film you ended up with would be chosen entirely by them!
EDMUND: Yes, and I thought I'd bribed them sufficiently enough to land us the film I wanted! Apparently the thousand dollars, amusing clock, and sack of French porn from "Duel and Duality" wasn't enough...
BALDRICK: You mean to say that if you'd given them my thingy-shaped turnip from "Beer", I could have been playing Q right now, sir?
GEORGE: Or Bough at the very least...
EDMUND: No, but I think your surgically-removed turnip-shaped thingy and the assurance that you would never create any descendents would have swung the situation in my favor, I think.
BALDRICK: In that case, sir, I'll take the butler outfit.
EDMUND: Pity.
He sulks.
GEORGE: Ah... What part did you get, Edmund?
EDMUND: Don't worry, I already checked in the script. He's absolutely mad. Madder than my cousin McAdder and Mad Jack McMad combined. (of his outfit) Take a look at this outfit. What does this outfit scream at the top of its lungs as if it just had been castrated without anesthesia, if not "mad"?
GEORGE and BALDRICK glance at each other.
EDMUND: Well?
GEORGE: I... ah... don't believe I'm at liberty to say, exactly, considering that I am in a maid's outfit.
EDMUND frowns.
EDMUND: And you, Baldrick?
BALDRICK: No comment, sir.
EDMUND thinks for a minute, then opens his mouth.
BALDRICK: (anticipating the suggestion) And no, I do not wish to switch parts.
EDMUND: Oh, bugger it. Look at us! We're back to Black Adder season 1 now! Except... Where is Percy?
BALDRICK: I don't know, sir. (pause) Why do you ask?
EDMUND: Because during all this ranting and raving I've been doing, he hasn't made a peep. It's almost as if he died and no one told me. And, as much as I would dearly love it to be true, I know it unfortunately isn't.
PERCY: (off-screen) Sir?
PERCY walks on-screen dressed as BRAD and toting a copy of the script.
PERCY: I say, did you take a look at this script?
EDMUND: (sarcastic) As much as I'd rather look down an out-of-order toilet during a plague of diarrhea, yes.
PERCY: Oh, come now, this is brilliant stuff! (opens the script at a random point) Like, um, like this song here.
EDMUND: Oh, please, not that one.
PERCY: Oh, yes sir.
Both men say the next line at the exact same moment, PERCY saying it cheerfully, while EDMUND says it irritably.
PERCY/EDMUND: "The Time Warp".
PERCY: Come now! Just because you're wearing women's underwear and a corset doesn't mean you can grouse at these lyrics.
GEORGE: Let me have a look.
PERCY passes the script to GEORGE, who takes out a pair of reading glasses, putting them on.
GEORGE: Let's see here...
As GEORGE reads from the script, PERCY proceeds to do the dance, complete with the old soundtrack.
GEORGE: (reading) "It's just a jump to the left-"
The music from the original movie soundtrack starts up, including the singers.
PERCY: (with the song) "And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-ight-"
GEORGE: (reading the Criminologist's part) "With your hands on your hips-"
PERCY: "You bring your knees in tight;
But it's the pelvic-"
EDMUND has been watching this with increasing annoyance, and finally snaps
EDMUND: (cutting Percy off) All right, all right, I get the idea. (pause) Where's Melchett? And "Bob", a.k.a. Ms. Katherine? And, though I do appreciate the lack of ego around here, where's that idiot Flashheart?
MELCHETT: (off-screen) Blackadder?
MELCHETT walks on-screen, dressed as the CRIMINOLOGIST.
MELCHETT: I see we didn't get "Goldfinger"?
EDMUND: And what tipped you off to /that/, eh? Perhaps the lack of beautiful women hanging off me?
MELCHETT: There was that, and the fact that I'm not speaking with a German accent.
EDMUND: (flatly) True...
ELIZABETH: (off-screen, sweetly) Oh, Edmund...
EDMUND: ("Here it comes") Oh no...
ELIZABETH saunters on-screen, dressed as JANET.
ELIZABETH: How do I look?
EDMUND: Well, that's another member of the lunatics' club here...
KATE: (off-screen) Sorry, I'm late.
Now KATE, dressed as COLUMBIA.
EDMUND: Well, the gang's almost all here. (curious) Where's Flashheart?
PERCY: Well, you do know how he comes out of the ice locker and sings, right?
EDMUND: Yes, and I make like he's a block of ice with legs, arms, and a head. What of it?
PERCY: Well...
CUT to the ice locker. We hear FLASHHEART pounding on the door from the other side.
FLASHHEART: Hello? Anybody out there? Could someone let me out? Or at least call the 500 women who are going to kill themselves and let them know where I am?
CUT back to EDMUND and the rest.
PERCY: So, shall we start?
EDMUND: Hold on. (yells) /CUT!!!/
The screen flashes, and we see all the cast of both Black Adder and Rocky Horror Picture Show just standing in the room, everyone now wearing their normal clothes, including a woman DIRECTOR in her late twenties.
DIRECTOR: What's going on? Which one of you ninnies said cut?!
EDMUND: Never mind. Can I get a chainsaw over here?
FRANK: (realizes where this is going) Uh-oh. (starts to edge away from EDMUND)
A rubber chicken appears in EDMUNDS outstretched hand.
EDMUND: No...
The rubber chicken changes into an ice pick.
EDMUND: No, but you're close. (changes his mind) Never mind, just give me a big mallet.
Said mallet appears.
EDMUND: Now...
He slowly approaches FRANK-N-FURTER, who takes off like a shot, EDMUND in pursuit.
EDMUND: Bring your transvestite arse back here and take your punishment like a man!
The DIRECTOR shakes her head and sighs.
DIRECTOR: Why'd I take this job in the first place?
THE END
Sign up to rate and review this story