Categories > Anime/Manga > Neon Genesis Evangelion
Disclaimer: Japanese beer isn't all that great, in fact it's quite bad. A friend of mine used to call it beer soda.
'Chicks Dig Giant Robots'
"I love beer vending machines," Shinji said to himself as he took a sip. "But I hate Japanese beer . . . ah well, s'not like I can scare up anything else." Shinji looked around and finally settled on a nearby bench. "And it's not like giant monsters are common, it might be gone before Icould find the good stuff."
"Get in," Misato screamed as her car screeched to a halt.
"In a minute," Shinji agreed absently. "The JSDF just arrived and I don't want to miss aminute of this."
"Arrg." Misato stormed out of the car and picked up the small boy and threw him into her car. "When I say get in, I mean now."
"Damn," Shinji sighed. His first giant monster rampage and some girl won't let him watch it.
Later . . .
"Is there something wrong with your charge Misato?" Ritsuko asked sharply.
"He's been like that since they dropped the N2 mine," Misato said with a frown. "I'm not sure why."
Behind the two girls, Shinji continued giggling like a ten year old girl. "Heh heh heh, boom, heh."
Later still . . .
"A giant robot?" Shinji said in shock.
"Yes," Gendo said. "And you will Pilot it."
"If you think you can abandon me for ten years and then give me a giant robot and expect me to forgive you . . ." Shinji growled. "Then you're completely correct, thanks dad. You're the greatest."
Gendo stared, Gendo blinked, finally Gendo shrugged and decided to go along with it. "Fine, but are you sure you don't want me to wheel out an injured girl first?"
"And you're bringing me girls too?" Shinji looked like he was about to do the happy dance, "I take back everything I said about you. Man, when you wanna make up for something you go all out don't you? Yeah, bring her out pops." Shinji's face was impassive as he looked at the pathetic figure on the gurney. "You know . . . I'm not sure weather or not to feel insulted that you felt you had to break her legs so she couldn't get away from me."
"She was injured in an accident," Misato supplied. "We didn't break her legs so that she couldn't escape from you."
"Oh." Shinji looked like he was about to cry. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you dad."
And finally we get to the battle . . .
"Stomp, stomp, stomp," Shinji chanted. "Die Makudonarudo, your burgers suck and so do you. Burn in hell building that looks ugly. Take that Porno Hut . . .wait, I take that back. What have I done, I'm sorry Porno Hut."
"Shinji," Misato's voice came through the radio. "Stop crushing buildings and fight the angel."
"Um . . . it was an accident?" Shinji said nervously. "I'm still getting the hang of walking and stuff."
"Just fight the damn thing," Misato sighed.
"Sure thing," Shinji agreed. The angel, who had done nothing but watch in shock as Shinji did more damage to the city in five minutes then it had all day prepaired itself for the coming conflict. "Whooaaaaaaaa." Shinji prepaired to open a can of whupass.
"Damn it," Misato screamed. "Stop posing and fight."
"Sure," Shinji agreed and felled the angel with several well placed kicks to the groin. "Problem solved." The bridge staff watched in shock as the Eva peeled back a section of armor and . . .
"Shinji," Misato began. "Is . . . is it really necessary to urinate on the angel?"
"Have to make sure he knows he's been defeated," Shinji explained.
"Ah . . . oh." Misato looked around the control room and was met by nothing but shrugs and looks of confusion. "Uh . . . return to base when you're done I guess."
IIIIIIIIII
"Your request is denied," Gendo said evilly. "He will live alone."
"But he's just a kid," Misato protested. "You can't be serious."
"The subject is closed Major," Gendo sneered. Heh, he thought to himself, if this doesn't break the boy then nothing will. Leaving the Major, Gendo went off in search of his son to break the news personally.
"Hey dad," Shinji greeted him. "How they hanging?"
"I have decided where you are going to stay while in Tokyo three," Gendo said with asmile.
"So . . . am I gonna live with you daddy?" Shinji asked eagerly.
"You'll be getting your own apartment," Gendo said coldly. Inwardly he smiled, the thought of being cast aside and forced to live on his own would surely be the think that broke the boy's spirit.
"Alone?" Shinji asked. "All by myself?"
"That is correct." Gendo was ready to jump for joy.
"Just when I think you're the greatest father in the world," Shinji began in a low voice.
"Yes?" Gendo leaned forward.
"You do something like this . . ."
"Yes, Yes?"
"And make me ashamed to think you could never outdo yourself," Shinji said happily."Giving me my own love nest. Dad . . . I . . . I love you. You really are the greatest."
"Thank you son," Gendo said dully. Inwardly crying, why did his plans never work. Maybe . . . maybe he could put the boy in an empty building . . .yes, the isolation would get to him and shatter his fragile little mind. Then it would be easy to get things back on track. Gendo my boy, he said to himself. You're a genius.
IIIIIIIIII
"Are you sure you're allowed to use NERV construction crews to knock out several walls and turn this entire apartment building into one giant mansion reserved for your own personal use?" The Foreman asked for the fifth time.
"You know who my father is right?"
"Yes"
"You know he gave me agiant robot right?"
"Yes"
"Well he also gave me an apartment here in this empty building," Shinji continued. "At first I was confused about why he'd put me somewhere without any neighbors, then I raised that he was giving me the entire building and not just the tiny apartment like I first thought. After that it was easy to see what his plans were, man . . . my dad sure is the greatest."
"If you say so kid," the Foreman agreed with a shrug. "Get to work boys."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey Rei," Shinji said to his fellow pilot. "Can I talk with you for a few minutes?"
"What is it you need Pilot Ikari?"
"Just wondering when you were planning to move in with me," Shinji replied. "If you aren't planning to move in soon, then you should probably at least drop by to tell the construction crew how you'd like your room."
"What makes you think I'm going to move in with you?"
"My dad brought you out for me," Shinji explained. "So of course you're moving in with me."
"I . . . see." Rei's eyebrows drew together as she tried to form the appropriate response. While it was true that the Commander had ordered her to get closer to the third child, this couldn't be what he ment . . . could it?
"Great," Shinji enthused. "I'll walk you home after school and help you pack. It'll be great living together Rei, just you wait and see."
IIIIIIIIII
"Pilot Ikari."
"What do you need Rei?" Shinji asked his new friend.
"You said that you wished to walk me home," Rei explained.
"Right, sorry about that Rei." Shinji said with remorse, "I got so caught up playing with Toji here that I almost forgot."
"It is alright Pilot Ikari," Rei said after a glance at the fallen boy. "Let us be off."
"Later Toji," Shinji called down as he zipped his pants.
"Hey Kensuke," Toji said after the Eva pilots were long gone.
"Yeah Toji?"
"You were right," Toji continued. "Picking a fight with him was a bad idea."
"I know Toji," Kensuke replied from the garbage bin that he'd been stuffed into. "I know."
Shinji frowned at the odd ringing coming from his new friend's pack, "what's that Rei?"
"Our presence is required at NERV," Rei explained. "There has been another angel spotted."
"Let's go then," Shinji said enthusiastically. "What good is having a giant robot if you can't use it to fight monsters."
IIIIIIIIII
"No I don't want to go out and watch the fight," Toji said to his best friend. "Are you fucking nuts?"
"But it'll be great," Kensuke whined. "Giant robots, monster fights. What kind of aman are you if you don't want to see that?"
"Have you forgotten what the pilot did to us?"
"Have you forgotten that this might be a chance to watch him get pummeled?" Kensuke retorted.
"Let's go buddy," Toji said with a smile.
IIIIIIIIII
Shinji looked at the giant monster and frowned. It wasn't the phallic shape that bothered him about his new enemy, it was the large sheet of armor protecting the creature's groin. "This is going to be my toughest fight yet," Shinji said to himself.
"Why?" Misato asked.
"My martial arts knowledge may prove to be useless against this foe," Shinji replied.
"You mean kicking it in the groin?"
"Yes," Shinji agreed. "Kicking it in the groin."
"Just fight the damn thing." Misato's voice sounded tired for some reason.
"Sure," Shinji agreed. The bridge bunnies watched as the Eva unit ripped a nearby building out of the ground and hucked it at the angel. "Take that giant Phallus."
"Stop wantonly destroying the city," Misato commanded.
"What's that Misato?" Shinji asked as he ripped a power line off it's pole and proceeded to use the cable like a whip. "Hah," Shinji crowed. "You didn't know that I was a master of Shibari." The watchers watched in shock as the Eva proceeded to tie up the angel and sit on it.
"Good work Shinji," Misato said with glee. "You've won."
"Not quite," Shinji growled.
"What do you mean not quite?"
"Misato," Shinji said seriously. "I need you to send me something very important to end this fight once and for all."
"What is it?" Misato screamed.
"A giant roll of toilet paper and a giant copy of today's paper," Shinji replied.
"WHAT?" Seeking to avoid a fate worse then death, the angel activated its self destruct mechanism and exploded.
A few seconds earlier . . .
"This has been nothing but disappointing," Toji sighed. "He didn't even get hurt."
"I haven't seen Shibari used by a giant robot since I read that Hentai Doujinshi of Gekiganger . . . not that I read Hentai Doujins," Kensuke added nervously.
"Whatever," Toji said. "What do you think will happen next?"
"The monster's going to explode to try to take the hero with him," Kensuke said confidently. "S'what always happens in the series."
"Really?"
"Yup"
"How big an explosion?"
"Big enough to . . . I think we'd better be going."
"It's too late," Toji screamed. "Quick, into the sewer. We'll be safe there."
"Good idea Toji," Kensuke agreed. "Hurry." The two boys managed to pry up amanhole cover and jump into the muck only seconds before a wave of fire washed over their former position. "Toji," Kensuke began.
"Yeah?"
"I think I'd have rather died in a fiery conflagration then to be down here," Kensuke said while resisting the urge to vomit.
"Me too buddy, me too."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey class rep," Shinji approached his classmate. "Can I have a few moments of your time?"
"What do you need Shinji?"
"Well," Shinji began. "This is embarrassing but . . . well, could you recommend a few books on learning how to cook?"
"Sure," Hikari agreed. "But why are you asking me?"
"The other girls said that you were the best cook in class," Shinji explained.
"Oh." Hikari blushed. "Thank you, so why do you want to know how to cook?"
"It's for me and Rei both," Shinji said quickly. "Neither of us know how to cook, and since we're living together . . ."
"Living together?"
"Yup," Shinji agreed. "And we're both getting tired of take out."
"I'll walk home with you after school then," Hikari said. She was sure that she was misunderstanding something and wanted to check things out for herself before jumping to conclusions. "We can have your first lesson then."
"Thanks Hikari," Shinji said with a grin. "You're the greatest."
IIIIIIIIII
Gendo sighed, his son had come and nothing was going according to plan. Rather then a whiny spineless wimp that would do anything to get the approval of his distant father, he'd gotten an odd boy that managed to find a bright side to every one of the things that'd been thrown at him. Toss him into a battle without any training and he was happy to get a giant robot. Put him in an abandoned apartment building and he somehow converts the entire thing into a private mansion. Gendo was starting to worry that there was nothing he could do to force things back to the way they should be. Until his eye caught a report detailing the second child's psychological profile.
A cold smile lit Gendo's face as he picked up the phone. "It's me . . . send the second child to Japan early. We'll bring the EVA on schedule. What? Say we're bringing here here early as a team work building exercise." Gendo assumed his favorite pose with his fingers interlocked,"excellent."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hello?" Misato knocked on the front door to the dilapidated apartment building. This couldn't be where they'd put Shinji could it? She had to have made a mistake, what kind of evil bastard would put a child in a place like this?
"Hello Major Katsuragi," Rei said as she answered the door. "How may I help you?"
"Rei?" Misato asked in confusion. "But . . . isn't this where Shinji lives?"
"That is correct," Rei agreed.
"Then are you visiting him?"
"No, I am not."
"Do you live in one of the other apartments in this building then?"
"There are no other apartments in this building," Rei said coldly.
"Then why are you here then?"
"I live with Pilot Ikari," Rei explained.
"Oh," Misato said slowly. "I wouldn't have thought the little guy had it in him." Misato shot Rei a knowing smirk.
". . ."
"This might cause trouble though," Misato mused.
"What sort of trouble?"
"The Commander has ordered Shinji to look after the second child while she's here," Misato explained. "And to facilitate that, she's going to be moving in soon."
"I see no problems with this chain of events," Rei said impassively.
"So you don't have a problem with another girl moving in?" Misato clarified.
"I do not," Rei agreed.
"Wow," Misato said. "He must be a demon in the sack then if you're willing to bring in another girl to help you."
"I do not understand Major."
"Say." Misato looked around."You don't think Shinji would mind if I moved in do you? This place is much nicer than my apartment."
"I do not know," Rei replied."Though I do not believe that it would be pleasant to have dirty laundry and empty beer cans littering the floor."
"Hey, I'm not that bad."
"I have been to your apartment Major Katsuragi," Rei reminded the older woman. "And if anything, I understated things."
"Fine," Misato huffed. "Have it your way then."
"I will Major," Rei agreed."When is our new resident going to show up?"
"Should be in the next few minutes," Misato replied.
"That doesn't seem like much time," Rei said. "Is it not customary to give a bit more warning?"
"The commander said that her assigned living quarters suffered a mysterious accident a few minutes ago and she had to be moved here without much notice," Misato explained. "I didn't even know she was coming so don't blame me."
"So let me get this straight," Shinji suddenly spoke up. "My father is bringing a new girl here without telling anyone about it."
"Yeah?"
"Then at the last minute the place she was going to go suffers a strange . . . accident?"
"Right," Misato agreed.
"Got a picture?" Shinji demanded.
"Sure here." Misato handed the odd young boy a picture.
Shinji's eyes watered, "I have the best daddy in the world."
"What?" Misato asked with afrown.
"It's obvious that he's bringing her here to surprise me," Shinji explained. "Why else would such a strange and improbable series of events happen?"
"Well . . . when you put it that way," Misato said slowly.
"I keep telling dad that I'm not angry about the fact that he abandoned me for most of my life without almost any contact," Shinji said slowly. "But I guess he must feel really guilty about what happened."
"He's probably trying to make up for all those birthdays he missed," Misato agreed slowly. "Wow, you do have the best dad in the world."
"I know," Shinji said smugly. The conversation cut off as a car pulled to a stop in front of Shinji's lovely apartment building.
"Kaji," Misato said without any emotion.
"Misato," Kaji said with asmile. "Is that any way to treat an old lover."
"Shut up you bastard," Misato growled.
"You're expecting me to live in this dump?" Asuka asked incredulously.
"Just for a while," Kaji said. Inwardly he grinned, depending on how long it takes you to break the third child.
"Are you living here too Kaji?" Asuka asked.
"No I'm not," Kaji replied."I'll be living in the NERV barracks."
"Why can't I live there?" Asuka whined.
"Because you're living here," Kaji replied.
"Buuuuut Kaaaaaaji."
"See you later Asuka," Kaji ignored his charge. "Need a ride Misato?"
"I drove here."
"Then can I ride with you?"
"No."
"I'll just be going then," Kaji suggested. The group watched as the scruffy man jumped into acar and drove away.
"Let's see how bad it is," Asuka growled as she stormed through the front door. "Hey, this isn't so bad. Third, first, get my bags and show me the biggest room."
"It isn't polite to make demands like that," Rei said in her usual monotone.
"Shut up," Asuka said calmly."And get my things."
"You're being a bad girl Asuka," Shinji entered the conversation. "Do you know what happens to bad girls?"
"They get punished," Rei answered.
Misato listened at the door for a few minutes, "damn. The Commander must really love that kid to send him a kinky masochistic red head. I wish my daddy had cared about me this much. Sure he saved me at the expense of his own life, but he never did anything to improve my sex life. Oh, well . . . maybe he would have if he'd have lived."
IIIIIIIIII
"Things are not going according to plan," Gendo growled. "You said that she'd break him in aweek."
"How was I to know she was acting out because she wanted to get punished?" Kaji defended himself."Or that your son was a master of Shibari?"
"It was in his file," Gendo replied.
"But there wasn't anything in her file to suggest that she'd be into that sort of thing," Kaji rebutted. "I think we're just going to have to accept the fact that this was no ones fault and move on."
"Really?" Gendo said with an evil smile.
"And because I feel so bad about how things went I'm going to suggest another plan," Kaji said quickly.
Gendo's hand hovered above the trap door release for a long moment before it returned it's customary position. "What did you have in mind?"
"We have a few more people move in with the pilots as chaperons," Kaji replied. "I was thinking that Major Katsuragi and I could . . ."
"No," Gendo interrupted. "Dr. Akagi would be a much better choice." Gendo said. "And Isuppose I should have her assistant go along, girl's so prudish that nothing will ever happen."
"Brilliant plan sir," Kaji congratulated his boss.
"Tell her I want to speak with her," Gendo commanded. "And get out."
"Yes sir," Kaji agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
"What?" Ritsuko asked dully.
"I'm having you and your assistant move in with the pilots," Gendo said. "To provide some adult supervision."
"Oh . . .well, I guess it can't be too bad."
"What do you mean?" Gendo demanded.
"Living with three children can't be nearly as bad as living with Misato," Ritsuko explained."After a few months of living with a slob like her, I was ready to commit homicide . . . or suicide. Anything to make it stop."
"It was that bad then?" Gendo asked with a cruel smile, he was starting to get an idea.
"She snores, she doesn't clean up after herself, she drinks and then vomits on things, she . . . it's horrible." Ritsuko finished with a shudder. "Let's just say that I'm glad it's over."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Gendo said evilly. "Because Major Katsuragi is also going to be moving in with the pilots."
"What, why?" Ritsuko growled,"you said that it was just going to be me and Maya."
"As adult supervision," Gendo agreed. "Major Katsuragi is going to be there as their commanding officer to foster better team work."
"I'll go pack," Ritsuko said in defeat.
"Tell Shinji that Iwant to speak with him," Gendo ordered. "I want to break the news to him . . . personally."
IIIIIIIIII
"Let me make sure I'm getting all this," Shinji began. "You're having me move in with the 'older woman' who sent me a picture of herself in revealing clothing with an arrow pointing at her tits?"
Gendo smiled evilly. "Yes and she can't clean or cook to save her life."
"So I can just order takeout and don't have to bother with chores much either?" Shinji asked.
"Yes and I should mention she has a bit of a drinking problem as well," Gendo added with a smile.
"So a rather experienced older woman with loose morals and gets drunk all the time?
"Precisely/"
"I . . . I'm so happy," Shinji sobbed.
"I'm also sending Dr. Akagi and her assistant to live with you," Gendo said quickly. There was still time to salvage things.
"Two more older women?" Shinji asked slowly.
"Yes," Gendo agreed with a smirk.
"A hot blond and her hot assistant?"
"Yes?" Gendo agreed uncertainly.
"You did remember my birthday," Shinji cried out in joy. "I'm sorry I doubted you."
"That's ok son," Gendo said dully as his son pulled him into a hug. "That's ok." I've still got it don't I? Gendo thought to himself, I could . . .there's got to be something I can do to this boy to break him.
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey sis, you still looking for a job?" Hikari asked her older sister.
"Yeah, why?"
"I've got a friend that needs a live in cook and maid," Hikari replied. "And Ithought you might be interested."
"What's his name?"
"Shinji Ikari," Hikari said. "He's a great guy."
"Does someone have alittle crush?"
"Does someone want dad to find out about what they have hidden among their socks?"
IIIIIIIIII
Gendo watched the battles with the angel over and over and over again. Hoping desperately to find some weakness exhibited by his son that could be used to shatter the boy's ego and render him into the spineless weenie that he always should have been.
"He . . . he doesn't know how to fight," Gendo said with a smile. "He needs training, training so hard that it will drive him to the brink of madness. Training that would break lesser men and by lesser men Imean him. Training that will mould him into the tool I ment him to be." A slow smile crept on Gendo's face and he reached for the phone. "Get me Section two, I have a little . . . training mission for them."
IIIIIIIIII
"Alright you little maggot," the Section Two Drill Instructor screamed. "Get me to twenty."
"Easy," Shinji said with a smirk. "Why don't you make it thirty?"
"If you think you can handle it," the man agreed with a sneer.
"Get me some hot pockets and anything with caffeine in it," Shinji said as he picked up the controller for the play station fifteen. "Let's rock this sock."
"Pretty good kid," the older man admitted after Shinji defeated the last boss. "You did well in the hand to hand combat portion of your training. But are you ready for the next portion? Surveillance and counter surveillance?"
"I'm ready," Shinji said with a determined nod.
IIIIIIIIII
"So all you did was play video games and sneak into female locker rooms and baths to plant surveillance cameras?" Gendo asked dully.
"Yup," Shinji agreed. "Giving me a chance to film my own porn was a dream come true. Thanks dad."
"Well at least the training is over with," Gendo sighed.
"There's still one portion left," Shinji replied.
"Oh?" Gendo was almost afraid to ask.
"Yep," Shinji agreed. "Robbing Yakuza for beer money."
"Really?" Gendo perked up, this sounded promising.
"Yeah," Shinji said with a huge grin. "The guys all say that the Yaks fall all over themselves after you drive a tank into their headquarters."
"Oh." Gendo slumped.
"And the best part is that they said I could use it to scare a couple of my classmates," Shinji enthused. "One of the guys mentioned that you were a bit . . . shall we say creative with your last inventory and as a result of that, we've got plenty of ammo to expend in town without any oversight. You really are the best dad in the world." It was at that point that tears began flowing down Gendo's face, maybe the next angel would do something.
IIIIIIIIII
"An octahedral?" Ritsuko said with a frown, "thats lame."
"At least it isn't agiant Phallus like the last one," Misato tried to console her friend.
"But it does present aproblem," Shinji began. "We're going to have to think carefully about how to defeat this angel," he said slowly. "I'm not sure how I can be of any help. It doesn't appear to have a groin so my marital arts knowledge is useless and it doesn't appear to have arms or legs so I can't use shibari."
"You'll do great master," Asuka cheered. "Oooh, be sure to hurt it really good."
"I . . . agree," Rei agreed.
"I know," Misato shouted. "We can use some sort of laser or something."
"Like the one that happens to be in a conveniently close lab," Ritsuko said with a grin. "By jove, this may just work."
Gendo took one look at Shinji's face and burst into tears. Damn it, how was he supposed to make the boy miserable if he kept getting cool toys to beat the angels with?
They got the laser and Shinji prepaired to do battle. "Hmmm," Shinji hmmed as he looked at the advanced laser rifle. "Is this a prototype?"
"Yes it is," Misato agreed.
"Damn that angel," Shinji whispered with tears in his eyes causing Gendo to perk up as he watched through a surveillance camera.
"What is it Shinji?"
"It's appearance forced father to reveal my birthday present before my birthday," Shinji growled."That's why father was so sad when you announced that the only way we could defeat the angel was with some sort of laser or something. I won't forgive it for this."
"Shinji"
"That bastard made my daddy sad and I'll make it pay for this," Shinji screamed as he made acool pose with his fist in the air. "Well, that's out of the way. Let's do this thing." Shinji got into position, took careful aim and obliterated the angel. "Take that angel," Shinji screamed.
"You did it Shinji," Misato cheered. "And with one shot to spare."
"One shot you say?" Shinji asked.
"Wait . . ." Misato screamed but it was too late.
"Take that . . . actually, I don't know what I just shot." Shinji said with a frown. "But I'm sure whatever it was deserved it."
The days passed and the angel was defeated without too much trouble. Gaghiel was killed by a mysterious toxic spill. And Shinji's bank account grew overnight without any stated reason, boy would just mutter something about easy money and an old Twinkie factory. And before anyone knew it, the next angel or angels had arrived . . .
"You want me to learn how to dance?" Shinji asked incredulously.
"That is correct," Gendo agreed. No boy wanted to learn how to dance, especially not the girlie dance he had planned. "It's the only way we can destroy the angel."
"I'll do it father," Shinji agreed. "I won't fail you."
"Excellent," Gendo muttered as his son left the room. Doing anything for parental approval was the first thing the boy had done that fit the scenario.
"I'm surprised that you're taking this so calmly," Misato said after Shinji had told her the plan.
"Dad's just looking out for me," Shinji replied. "Chicks dig a guy who can dance. Dad's just trying to increase my chances with the ladys. He just made up the whole angel excuse in case I didn't realise that."
"Oh," Misato said. "Your dad must really want you to succeed.
"Yeah," Shinji agreed. "Yeah he does."
Watching it all on his hidden monitor, Gendo felt a fresh wave of sorrow. Maybe next time Gendo, maybe next time.
Nothing much happened until the next angel arrived, but when it did . . . well, nothing much happened.
"So you want us to deal with this angel?" Shinji asked.
"That is correct," Misato agreed.
"The angel that is in a volcano and can't cause any harm to anything?"
"Well . . . yes, you must kill it." Misato said with a little less certainty.
"How?" Shinji demanded. "I mean, wouldn't the heat melt the evas?"
"Ritsuko has just the thing for that," Misato said proudly.
"Uh . . ." the faux blond looked nervous.
"Ritsuko?"
"We never got around to building it," Ritsuko admitted slowly. "Always ment to but . . .well, things just sort of got in the way."
"Rits how could you?"
"I see what this is about," Shinji said with a smile. "Pops just wanted to give me some time on the beach. A little vacation with my ladies if you will."
"But . . ."
"Come on," Shinji said with agrin. "Do you expect me to believe that NERV would waste millions of dollars and risk valuable pilots to deal with an angel that can't cause any trouble?"
"Well . . . I guess you're right," Misato said reluctantly.
"Now get those clothes off and get on the beach," Shinji yelled. "Let's go everyone." Needless to say, Gendo wasn't too happy about what had happened . . .
The next angel was unimpressive and though Shinji's solution of putting it in a giant jar and keeping it as a pet worked, there's no reason to write it in more detail.
IIIIIIIIII
"Sensors confirm that the object in orbit is an Angel," Maya said calmly. "I . . ." The woman was interrupted by a complete power failure.
"What's happening?" Misato demanded.
"Unknown," Maya replied. "We just lost all power."
"Get it back on," Misato growled.
"I . . ." Maya paused as the lights came back on.
"Good job Maya," Misato congratulated the bridge bunny.
"The pattern blue has disappeared," Maya said in shock. "The Angel is gone."
"What?"
"I'm also receiving reports that the moon now has 'Shinji Was Her' written on it," Maya said slowly.
"Shinji was her?" Misato said, "her what? What does the angel want with Shinji?"
"There isn't enough information to speculate at this time," Maya said. The power went out again and the bridge crew sighed.
"Have maintenance take a look at the wiring," Misato ordered. "And have security check for sabotage." No one so much as blinked when the power came back on again.
"Uh . . . about that writing on the moon," Maya began.
"Yes?"
"It now says 'Shinji Was Here,'" Maya finished. "Satellites show a large beam of concentrated light with a probable origin point of Tokyo III writing on the moon at times coinciding with the power failures."
"Shinji," Misato screamed into the radio. "What did you just do?"
"Dad gives me a really cool laser rifle and you don't expect me to play with it?" Shinji asked with a smirk. "What are you nuts?"
"You vandalised the moon and destroyed several satellites," Misato screamed.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Shinji said with a hurt look on his face.
"So you expect us to believe that some other boy in a giant robot wrote on the moon with a giant laser?" Misato asked sarcastically.
"When you put it that way," Shinji said. "Yes, yes I do."
"Whatever, I don't get paid enough to deal with things like this." Misato threw up her hands in frustration. "I need a beer."
IIIIIIIIII
In his office, Gendo finally snapped. "That's it," he screamed. "I can't take it anymore." Gendo beat his fists against his desk. "How can Ibeat him, how can I beat my son?" Gendo sobbed for several minutes before he got an idea. "Yes . . . yes, that could work."
Gendo left his office and walked into the command center. "Here to congratulate the pilot sir?" Misato asked.
"Yes . . .congratulate," Gendo said evilly.
"Bring Shinji in," Misato yelled. It took a few minutes to locate the way ward pilot and Shinji was brought in.
"You called?"
"I have something to tell you my son," Gendo said with undisguised glee.
"Yeah?"
"I hate you," Gendo said with a smirk. "And I wish you would kill yourself."
"Such a kidder," Shinji laughed. "What was it you really wanted?"
"Everything I've done was to make your life miserable," Gendo screamed. "Why can't you see that?" The evil man burst into tears. "Why can't you just break and be the annoying weenie that you were supposed to be . . . what the plans called for you to be?"
"I . . . I understand father," Shinji said with tears streaming down his face. "I know what you want now."
"Good," Gendo said firmly between sobs.
"Guards," Shinji said through his tears. "Take him away."
"What?" Gendo said in shock as he was dragged off.
"Shinji," Misato said sadly.
"Putting on aperformance like that so he'd be declared mentally unfit to run Nerve," Shinji began. "Leaving the way open for me to install my puppet in the commander's seat . . . dad . . . you really are the greatest."
"Puppet?" Misato asked.
"Yes puppet," Shinji agreed. "So . . . Commander Misato, why don't you take your chair?"
"It's comfortable," Misato said. "Thanks Shinji."
"Don't mention it puppet," Shinji replied. "Er . . . I mean Misato."
"For my first command," Misato began. "I'm gonna . . ."
"You won't believe what just happened," Ritsuko screamed as she ran into the room.
"Ritsu," Misato whined. "You interrupted my first command."
Ritsuko ignored Misato and turned to the power behind the throne. "Shinji . . . I don't know how to tell you this but . . ."
"But we're out of the EVAs and back in the world," Yui said as she walked in flanked by two other women.
"M . . . mom?" Shinji asked in shock.
"That's right son," Yui agreed. "Sorry I didn't get back sooner but well . . . your father is kinda creepy and . . . well, to be honest."
"It was easier to be trapped in a giant machine then deal with him," one of the other women blurted.
"Oh . . . uh . . .welcome back I guess," Shinji offered. "Mom."
"Wait," Ritsuko said quickly. "What about the angels? How will we fight them if your souls aren't powering the angel . . . er I mean EVAs?"
"Just toss Adam into the medical incinerator," Yui replied. "That will solve all our problems and leave us with nothing but a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered."
"But . . ."
"Leaving us with awhole lot of questions that don't need to be answered," Yui repeated.
"Fine," Ritsuko agreed.
"So son," Yui began. "How did you like your visit with your father?"
"It was great," Shinji began. "First he gave me a giant robot, then . . ."
The End
AN: Thanks go to dogbertcarroll for a bit of help with some of the above scenes. This was a very long omake, very long. Sure I could have written more, but what would be the point. Besides, I don't think I've ever seen this ending to an eva fic. This idea grew from a challenge on Hawk's forum (look in favorite authors). The challenge was to write a Shinji that was raised by a forum member, I jotted out a quick scene and posted it. Then I posted it on my group and they wanted more so I did this, probably the longest OMAKE I've ever written.
'Chicks Dig Giant Robots'
"I love beer vending machines," Shinji said to himself as he took a sip. "But I hate Japanese beer . . . ah well, s'not like I can scare up anything else." Shinji looked around and finally settled on a nearby bench. "And it's not like giant monsters are common, it might be gone before Icould find the good stuff."
"Get in," Misato screamed as her car screeched to a halt.
"In a minute," Shinji agreed absently. "The JSDF just arrived and I don't want to miss aminute of this."
"Arrg." Misato stormed out of the car and picked up the small boy and threw him into her car. "When I say get in, I mean now."
"Damn," Shinji sighed. His first giant monster rampage and some girl won't let him watch it.
Later . . .
"Is there something wrong with your charge Misato?" Ritsuko asked sharply.
"He's been like that since they dropped the N2 mine," Misato said with a frown. "I'm not sure why."
Behind the two girls, Shinji continued giggling like a ten year old girl. "Heh heh heh, boom, heh."
Later still . . .
"A giant robot?" Shinji said in shock.
"Yes," Gendo said. "And you will Pilot it."
"If you think you can abandon me for ten years and then give me a giant robot and expect me to forgive you . . ." Shinji growled. "Then you're completely correct, thanks dad. You're the greatest."
Gendo stared, Gendo blinked, finally Gendo shrugged and decided to go along with it. "Fine, but are you sure you don't want me to wheel out an injured girl first?"
"And you're bringing me girls too?" Shinji looked like he was about to do the happy dance, "I take back everything I said about you. Man, when you wanna make up for something you go all out don't you? Yeah, bring her out pops." Shinji's face was impassive as he looked at the pathetic figure on the gurney. "You know . . . I'm not sure weather or not to feel insulted that you felt you had to break her legs so she couldn't get away from me."
"She was injured in an accident," Misato supplied. "We didn't break her legs so that she couldn't escape from you."
"Oh." Shinji looked like he was about to cry. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you dad."
And finally we get to the battle . . .
"Stomp, stomp, stomp," Shinji chanted. "Die Makudonarudo, your burgers suck and so do you. Burn in hell building that looks ugly. Take that Porno Hut . . .wait, I take that back. What have I done, I'm sorry Porno Hut."
"Shinji," Misato's voice came through the radio. "Stop crushing buildings and fight the angel."
"Um . . . it was an accident?" Shinji said nervously. "I'm still getting the hang of walking and stuff."
"Just fight the damn thing," Misato sighed.
"Sure thing," Shinji agreed. The angel, who had done nothing but watch in shock as Shinji did more damage to the city in five minutes then it had all day prepaired itself for the coming conflict. "Whooaaaaaaaa." Shinji prepaired to open a can of whupass.
"Damn it," Misato screamed. "Stop posing and fight."
"Sure," Shinji agreed and felled the angel with several well placed kicks to the groin. "Problem solved." The bridge staff watched in shock as the Eva peeled back a section of armor and . . .
"Shinji," Misato began. "Is . . . is it really necessary to urinate on the angel?"
"Have to make sure he knows he's been defeated," Shinji explained.
"Ah . . . oh." Misato looked around the control room and was met by nothing but shrugs and looks of confusion. "Uh . . . return to base when you're done I guess."
IIIIIIIIII
"Your request is denied," Gendo said evilly. "He will live alone."
"But he's just a kid," Misato protested. "You can't be serious."
"The subject is closed Major," Gendo sneered. Heh, he thought to himself, if this doesn't break the boy then nothing will. Leaving the Major, Gendo went off in search of his son to break the news personally.
"Hey dad," Shinji greeted him. "How they hanging?"
"I have decided where you are going to stay while in Tokyo three," Gendo said with asmile.
"So . . . am I gonna live with you daddy?" Shinji asked eagerly.
"You'll be getting your own apartment," Gendo said coldly. Inwardly he smiled, the thought of being cast aside and forced to live on his own would surely be the think that broke the boy's spirit.
"Alone?" Shinji asked. "All by myself?"
"That is correct." Gendo was ready to jump for joy.
"Just when I think you're the greatest father in the world," Shinji began in a low voice.
"Yes?" Gendo leaned forward.
"You do something like this . . ."
"Yes, Yes?"
"And make me ashamed to think you could never outdo yourself," Shinji said happily."Giving me my own love nest. Dad . . . I . . . I love you. You really are the greatest."
"Thank you son," Gendo said dully. Inwardly crying, why did his plans never work. Maybe . . . maybe he could put the boy in an empty building . . .yes, the isolation would get to him and shatter his fragile little mind. Then it would be easy to get things back on track. Gendo my boy, he said to himself. You're a genius.
IIIIIIIIII
"Are you sure you're allowed to use NERV construction crews to knock out several walls and turn this entire apartment building into one giant mansion reserved for your own personal use?" The Foreman asked for the fifth time.
"You know who my father is right?"
"Yes"
"You know he gave me agiant robot right?"
"Yes"
"Well he also gave me an apartment here in this empty building," Shinji continued. "At first I was confused about why he'd put me somewhere without any neighbors, then I raised that he was giving me the entire building and not just the tiny apartment like I first thought. After that it was easy to see what his plans were, man . . . my dad sure is the greatest."
"If you say so kid," the Foreman agreed with a shrug. "Get to work boys."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey Rei," Shinji said to his fellow pilot. "Can I talk with you for a few minutes?"
"What is it you need Pilot Ikari?"
"Just wondering when you were planning to move in with me," Shinji replied. "If you aren't planning to move in soon, then you should probably at least drop by to tell the construction crew how you'd like your room."
"What makes you think I'm going to move in with you?"
"My dad brought you out for me," Shinji explained. "So of course you're moving in with me."
"I . . . see." Rei's eyebrows drew together as she tried to form the appropriate response. While it was true that the Commander had ordered her to get closer to the third child, this couldn't be what he ment . . . could it?
"Great," Shinji enthused. "I'll walk you home after school and help you pack. It'll be great living together Rei, just you wait and see."
IIIIIIIIII
"Pilot Ikari."
"What do you need Rei?" Shinji asked his new friend.
"You said that you wished to walk me home," Rei explained.
"Right, sorry about that Rei." Shinji said with remorse, "I got so caught up playing with Toji here that I almost forgot."
"It is alright Pilot Ikari," Rei said after a glance at the fallen boy. "Let us be off."
"Later Toji," Shinji called down as he zipped his pants.
"Hey Kensuke," Toji said after the Eva pilots were long gone.
"Yeah Toji?"
"You were right," Toji continued. "Picking a fight with him was a bad idea."
"I know Toji," Kensuke replied from the garbage bin that he'd been stuffed into. "I know."
Shinji frowned at the odd ringing coming from his new friend's pack, "what's that Rei?"
"Our presence is required at NERV," Rei explained. "There has been another angel spotted."
"Let's go then," Shinji said enthusiastically. "What good is having a giant robot if you can't use it to fight monsters."
IIIIIIIIII
"No I don't want to go out and watch the fight," Toji said to his best friend. "Are you fucking nuts?"
"But it'll be great," Kensuke whined. "Giant robots, monster fights. What kind of aman are you if you don't want to see that?"
"Have you forgotten what the pilot did to us?"
"Have you forgotten that this might be a chance to watch him get pummeled?" Kensuke retorted.
"Let's go buddy," Toji said with a smile.
IIIIIIIIII
Shinji looked at the giant monster and frowned. It wasn't the phallic shape that bothered him about his new enemy, it was the large sheet of armor protecting the creature's groin. "This is going to be my toughest fight yet," Shinji said to himself.
"Why?" Misato asked.
"My martial arts knowledge may prove to be useless against this foe," Shinji replied.
"You mean kicking it in the groin?"
"Yes," Shinji agreed. "Kicking it in the groin."
"Just fight the damn thing." Misato's voice sounded tired for some reason.
"Sure," Shinji agreed. The bridge bunnies watched as the Eva unit ripped a nearby building out of the ground and hucked it at the angel. "Take that giant Phallus."
"Stop wantonly destroying the city," Misato commanded.
"What's that Misato?" Shinji asked as he ripped a power line off it's pole and proceeded to use the cable like a whip. "Hah," Shinji crowed. "You didn't know that I was a master of Shibari." The watchers watched in shock as the Eva proceeded to tie up the angel and sit on it.
"Good work Shinji," Misato said with glee. "You've won."
"Not quite," Shinji growled.
"What do you mean not quite?"
"Misato," Shinji said seriously. "I need you to send me something very important to end this fight once and for all."
"What is it?" Misato screamed.
"A giant roll of toilet paper and a giant copy of today's paper," Shinji replied.
"WHAT?" Seeking to avoid a fate worse then death, the angel activated its self destruct mechanism and exploded.
A few seconds earlier . . .
"This has been nothing but disappointing," Toji sighed. "He didn't even get hurt."
"I haven't seen Shibari used by a giant robot since I read that Hentai Doujinshi of Gekiganger . . . not that I read Hentai Doujins," Kensuke added nervously.
"Whatever," Toji said. "What do you think will happen next?"
"The monster's going to explode to try to take the hero with him," Kensuke said confidently. "S'what always happens in the series."
"Really?"
"Yup"
"How big an explosion?"
"Big enough to . . . I think we'd better be going."
"It's too late," Toji screamed. "Quick, into the sewer. We'll be safe there."
"Good idea Toji," Kensuke agreed. "Hurry." The two boys managed to pry up amanhole cover and jump into the muck only seconds before a wave of fire washed over their former position. "Toji," Kensuke began.
"Yeah?"
"I think I'd have rather died in a fiery conflagration then to be down here," Kensuke said while resisting the urge to vomit.
"Me too buddy, me too."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey class rep," Shinji approached his classmate. "Can I have a few moments of your time?"
"What do you need Shinji?"
"Well," Shinji began. "This is embarrassing but . . . well, could you recommend a few books on learning how to cook?"
"Sure," Hikari agreed. "But why are you asking me?"
"The other girls said that you were the best cook in class," Shinji explained.
"Oh." Hikari blushed. "Thank you, so why do you want to know how to cook?"
"It's for me and Rei both," Shinji said quickly. "Neither of us know how to cook, and since we're living together . . ."
"Living together?"
"Yup," Shinji agreed. "And we're both getting tired of take out."
"I'll walk home with you after school then," Hikari said. She was sure that she was misunderstanding something and wanted to check things out for herself before jumping to conclusions. "We can have your first lesson then."
"Thanks Hikari," Shinji said with a grin. "You're the greatest."
IIIIIIIIII
Gendo sighed, his son had come and nothing was going according to plan. Rather then a whiny spineless wimp that would do anything to get the approval of his distant father, he'd gotten an odd boy that managed to find a bright side to every one of the things that'd been thrown at him. Toss him into a battle without any training and he was happy to get a giant robot. Put him in an abandoned apartment building and he somehow converts the entire thing into a private mansion. Gendo was starting to worry that there was nothing he could do to force things back to the way they should be. Until his eye caught a report detailing the second child's psychological profile.
A cold smile lit Gendo's face as he picked up the phone. "It's me . . . send the second child to Japan early. We'll bring the EVA on schedule. What? Say we're bringing here here early as a team work building exercise." Gendo assumed his favorite pose with his fingers interlocked,"excellent."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hello?" Misato knocked on the front door to the dilapidated apartment building. This couldn't be where they'd put Shinji could it? She had to have made a mistake, what kind of evil bastard would put a child in a place like this?
"Hello Major Katsuragi," Rei said as she answered the door. "How may I help you?"
"Rei?" Misato asked in confusion. "But . . . isn't this where Shinji lives?"
"That is correct," Rei agreed.
"Then are you visiting him?"
"No, I am not."
"Do you live in one of the other apartments in this building then?"
"There are no other apartments in this building," Rei said coldly.
"Then why are you here then?"
"I live with Pilot Ikari," Rei explained.
"Oh," Misato said slowly. "I wouldn't have thought the little guy had it in him." Misato shot Rei a knowing smirk.
". . ."
"This might cause trouble though," Misato mused.
"What sort of trouble?"
"The Commander has ordered Shinji to look after the second child while she's here," Misato explained. "And to facilitate that, she's going to be moving in soon."
"I see no problems with this chain of events," Rei said impassively.
"So you don't have a problem with another girl moving in?" Misato clarified.
"I do not," Rei agreed.
"Wow," Misato said. "He must be a demon in the sack then if you're willing to bring in another girl to help you."
"I do not understand Major."
"Say." Misato looked around."You don't think Shinji would mind if I moved in do you? This place is much nicer than my apartment."
"I do not know," Rei replied."Though I do not believe that it would be pleasant to have dirty laundry and empty beer cans littering the floor."
"Hey, I'm not that bad."
"I have been to your apartment Major Katsuragi," Rei reminded the older woman. "And if anything, I understated things."
"Fine," Misato huffed. "Have it your way then."
"I will Major," Rei agreed."When is our new resident going to show up?"
"Should be in the next few minutes," Misato replied.
"That doesn't seem like much time," Rei said. "Is it not customary to give a bit more warning?"
"The commander said that her assigned living quarters suffered a mysterious accident a few minutes ago and she had to be moved here without much notice," Misato explained. "I didn't even know she was coming so don't blame me."
"So let me get this straight," Shinji suddenly spoke up. "My father is bringing a new girl here without telling anyone about it."
"Yeah?"
"Then at the last minute the place she was going to go suffers a strange . . . accident?"
"Right," Misato agreed.
"Got a picture?" Shinji demanded.
"Sure here." Misato handed the odd young boy a picture.
Shinji's eyes watered, "I have the best daddy in the world."
"What?" Misato asked with afrown.
"It's obvious that he's bringing her here to surprise me," Shinji explained. "Why else would such a strange and improbable series of events happen?"
"Well . . . when you put it that way," Misato said slowly.
"I keep telling dad that I'm not angry about the fact that he abandoned me for most of my life without almost any contact," Shinji said slowly. "But I guess he must feel really guilty about what happened."
"He's probably trying to make up for all those birthdays he missed," Misato agreed slowly. "Wow, you do have the best dad in the world."
"I know," Shinji said smugly. The conversation cut off as a car pulled to a stop in front of Shinji's lovely apartment building.
"Kaji," Misato said without any emotion.
"Misato," Kaji said with asmile. "Is that any way to treat an old lover."
"Shut up you bastard," Misato growled.
"You're expecting me to live in this dump?" Asuka asked incredulously.
"Just for a while," Kaji said. Inwardly he grinned, depending on how long it takes you to break the third child.
"Are you living here too Kaji?" Asuka asked.
"No I'm not," Kaji replied."I'll be living in the NERV barracks."
"Why can't I live there?" Asuka whined.
"Because you're living here," Kaji replied.
"Buuuuut Kaaaaaaji."
"See you later Asuka," Kaji ignored his charge. "Need a ride Misato?"
"I drove here."
"Then can I ride with you?"
"No."
"I'll just be going then," Kaji suggested. The group watched as the scruffy man jumped into acar and drove away.
"Let's see how bad it is," Asuka growled as she stormed through the front door. "Hey, this isn't so bad. Third, first, get my bags and show me the biggest room."
"It isn't polite to make demands like that," Rei said in her usual monotone.
"Shut up," Asuka said calmly."And get my things."
"You're being a bad girl Asuka," Shinji entered the conversation. "Do you know what happens to bad girls?"
"They get punished," Rei answered.
Misato listened at the door for a few minutes, "damn. The Commander must really love that kid to send him a kinky masochistic red head. I wish my daddy had cared about me this much. Sure he saved me at the expense of his own life, but he never did anything to improve my sex life. Oh, well . . . maybe he would have if he'd have lived."
IIIIIIIIII
"Things are not going according to plan," Gendo growled. "You said that she'd break him in aweek."
"How was I to know she was acting out because she wanted to get punished?" Kaji defended himself."Or that your son was a master of Shibari?"
"It was in his file," Gendo replied.
"But there wasn't anything in her file to suggest that she'd be into that sort of thing," Kaji rebutted. "I think we're just going to have to accept the fact that this was no ones fault and move on."
"Really?" Gendo said with an evil smile.
"And because I feel so bad about how things went I'm going to suggest another plan," Kaji said quickly.
Gendo's hand hovered above the trap door release for a long moment before it returned it's customary position. "What did you have in mind?"
"We have a few more people move in with the pilots as chaperons," Kaji replied. "I was thinking that Major Katsuragi and I could . . ."
"No," Gendo interrupted. "Dr. Akagi would be a much better choice." Gendo said. "And Isuppose I should have her assistant go along, girl's so prudish that nothing will ever happen."
"Brilliant plan sir," Kaji congratulated his boss.
"Tell her I want to speak with her," Gendo commanded. "And get out."
"Yes sir," Kaji agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
"What?" Ritsuko asked dully.
"I'm having you and your assistant move in with the pilots," Gendo said. "To provide some adult supervision."
"Oh . . .well, I guess it can't be too bad."
"What do you mean?" Gendo demanded.
"Living with three children can't be nearly as bad as living with Misato," Ritsuko explained."After a few months of living with a slob like her, I was ready to commit homicide . . . or suicide. Anything to make it stop."
"It was that bad then?" Gendo asked with a cruel smile, he was starting to get an idea.
"She snores, she doesn't clean up after herself, she drinks and then vomits on things, she . . . it's horrible." Ritsuko finished with a shudder. "Let's just say that I'm glad it's over."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Gendo said evilly. "Because Major Katsuragi is also going to be moving in with the pilots."
"What, why?" Ritsuko growled,"you said that it was just going to be me and Maya."
"As adult supervision," Gendo agreed. "Major Katsuragi is going to be there as their commanding officer to foster better team work."
"I'll go pack," Ritsuko said in defeat.
"Tell Shinji that Iwant to speak with him," Gendo ordered. "I want to break the news to him . . . personally."
IIIIIIIIII
"Let me make sure I'm getting all this," Shinji began. "You're having me move in with the 'older woman' who sent me a picture of herself in revealing clothing with an arrow pointing at her tits?"
Gendo smiled evilly. "Yes and she can't clean or cook to save her life."
"So I can just order takeout and don't have to bother with chores much either?" Shinji asked.
"Yes and I should mention she has a bit of a drinking problem as well," Gendo added with a smile.
"So a rather experienced older woman with loose morals and gets drunk all the time?
"Precisely/"
"I . . . I'm so happy," Shinji sobbed.
"I'm also sending Dr. Akagi and her assistant to live with you," Gendo said quickly. There was still time to salvage things.
"Two more older women?" Shinji asked slowly.
"Yes," Gendo agreed with a smirk.
"A hot blond and her hot assistant?"
"Yes?" Gendo agreed uncertainly.
"You did remember my birthday," Shinji cried out in joy. "I'm sorry I doubted you."
"That's ok son," Gendo said dully as his son pulled him into a hug. "That's ok." I've still got it don't I? Gendo thought to himself, I could . . .there's got to be something I can do to this boy to break him.
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey sis, you still looking for a job?" Hikari asked her older sister.
"Yeah, why?"
"I've got a friend that needs a live in cook and maid," Hikari replied. "And Ithought you might be interested."
"What's his name?"
"Shinji Ikari," Hikari said. "He's a great guy."
"Does someone have alittle crush?"
"Does someone want dad to find out about what they have hidden among their socks?"
IIIIIIIIII
Gendo watched the battles with the angel over and over and over again. Hoping desperately to find some weakness exhibited by his son that could be used to shatter the boy's ego and render him into the spineless weenie that he always should have been.
"He . . . he doesn't know how to fight," Gendo said with a smile. "He needs training, training so hard that it will drive him to the brink of madness. Training that would break lesser men and by lesser men Imean him. Training that will mould him into the tool I ment him to be." A slow smile crept on Gendo's face and he reached for the phone. "Get me Section two, I have a little . . . training mission for them."
IIIIIIIIII
"Alright you little maggot," the Section Two Drill Instructor screamed. "Get me to twenty."
"Easy," Shinji said with a smirk. "Why don't you make it thirty?"
"If you think you can handle it," the man agreed with a sneer.
"Get me some hot pockets and anything with caffeine in it," Shinji said as he picked up the controller for the play station fifteen. "Let's rock this sock."
"Pretty good kid," the older man admitted after Shinji defeated the last boss. "You did well in the hand to hand combat portion of your training. But are you ready for the next portion? Surveillance and counter surveillance?"
"I'm ready," Shinji said with a determined nod.
IIIIIIIIII
"So all you did was play video games and sneak into female locker rooms and baths to plant surveillance cameras?" Gendo asked dully.
"Yup," Shinji agreed. "Giving me a chance to film my own porn was a dream come true. Thanks dad."
"Well at least the training is over with," Gendo sighed.
"There's still one portion left," Shinji replied.
"Oh?" Gendo was almost afraid to ask.
"Yep," Shinji agreed. "Robbing Yakuza for beer money."
"Really?" Gendo perked up, this sounded promising.
"Yeah," Shinji said with a huge grin. "The guys all say that the Yaks fall all over themselves after you drive a tank into their headquarters."
"Oh." Gendo slumped.
"And the best part is that they said I could use it to scare a couple of my classmates," Shinji enthused. "One of the guys mentioned that you were a bit . . . shall we say creative with your last inventory and as a result of that, we've got plenty of ammo to expend in town without any oversight. You really are the best dad in the world." It was at that point that tears began flowing down Gendo's face, maybe the next angel would do something.
IIIIIIIIII
"An octahedral?" Ritsuko said with a frown, "thats lame."
"At least it isn't agiant Phallus like the last one," Misato tried to console her friend.
"But it does present aproblem," Shinji began. "We're going to have to think carefully about how to defeat this angel," he said slowly. "I'm not sure how I can be of any help. It doesn't appear to have a groin so my marital arts knowledge is useless and it doesn't appear to have arms or legs so I can't use shibari."
"You'll do great master," Asuka cheered. "Oooh, be sure to hurt it really good."
"I . . . agree," Rei agreed.
"I know," Misato shouted. "We can use some sort of laser or something."
"Like the one that happens to be in a conveniently close lab," Ritsuko said with a grin. "By jove, this may just work."
Gendo took one look at Shinji's face and burst into tears. Damn it, how was he supposed to make the boy miserable if he kept getting cool toys to beat the angels with?
They got the laser and Shinji prepaired to do battle. "Hmmm," Shinji hmmed as he looked at the advanced laser rifle. "Is this a prototype?"
"Yes it is," Misato agreed.
"Damn that angel," Shinji whispered with tears in his eyes causing Gendo to perk up as he watched through a surveillance camera.
"What is it Shinji?"
"It's appearance forced father to reveal my birthday present before my birthday," Shinji growled."That's why father was so sad when you announced that the only way we could defeat the angel was with some sort of laser or something. I won't forgive it for this."
"Shinji"
"That bastard made my daddy sad and I'll make it pay for this," Shinji screamed as he made acool pose with his fist in the air. "Well, that's out of the way. Let's do this thing." Shinji got into position, took careful aim and obliterated the angel. "Take that angel," Shinji screamed.
"You did it Shinji," Misato cheered. "And with one shot to spare."
"One shot you say?" Shinji asked.
"Wait . . ." Misato screamed but it was too late.
"Take that . . . actually, I don't know what I just shot." Shinji said with a frown. "But I'm sure whatever it was deserved it."
The days passed and the angel was defeated without too much trouble. Gaghiel was killed by a mysterious toxic spill. And Shinji's bank account grew overnight without any stated reason, boy would just mutter something about easy money and an old Twinkie factory. And before anyone knew it, the next angel or angels had arrived . . .
"You want me to learn how to dance?" Shinji asked incredulously.
"That is correct," Gendo agreed. No boy wanted to learn how to dance, especially not the girlie dance he had planned. "It's the only way we can destroy the angel."
"I'll do it father," Shinji agreed. "I won't fail you."
"Excellent," Gendo muttered as his son left the room. Doing anything for parental approval was the first thing the boy had done that fit the scenario.
"I'm surprised that you're taking this so calmly," Misato said after Shinji had told her the plan.
"Dad's just looking out for me," Shinji replied. "Chicks dig a guy who can dance. Dad's just trying to increase my chances with the ladys. He just made up the whole angel excuse in case I didn't realise that."
"Oh," Misato said. "Your dad must really want you to succeed.
"Yeah," Shinji agreed. "Yeah he does."
Watching it all on his hidden monitor, Gendo felt a fresh wave of sorrow. Maybe next time Gendo, maybe next time.
Nothing much happened until the next angel arrived, but when it did . . . well, nothing much happened.
"So you want us to deal with this angel?" Shinji asked.
"That is correct," Misato agreed.
"The angel that is in a volcano and can't cause any harm to anything?"
"Well . . . yes, you must kill it." Misato said with a little less certainty.
"How?" Shinji demanded. "I mean, wouldn't the heat melt the evas?"
"Ritsuko has just the thing for that," Misato said proudly.
"Uh . . ." the faux blond looked nervous.
"Ritsuko?"
"We never got around to building it," Ritsuko admitted slowly. "Always ment to but . . .well, things just sort of got in the way."
"Rits how could you?"
"I see what this is about," Shinji said with a smile. "Pops just wanted to give me some time on the beach. A little vacation with my ladies if you will."
"But . . ."
"Come on," Shinji said with agrin. "Do you expect me to believe that NERV would waste millions of dollars and risk valuable pilots to deal with an angel that can't cause any trouble?"
"Well . . . I guess you're right," Misato said reluctantly.
"Now get those clothes off and get on the beach," Shinji yelled. "Let's go everyone." Needless to say, Gendo wasn't too happy about what had happened . . .
The next angel was unimpressive and though Shinji's solution of putting it in a giant jar and keeping it as a pet worked, there's no reason to write it in more detail.
IIIIIIIIII
"Sensors confirm that the object in orbit is an Angel," Maya said calmly. "I . . ." The woman was interrupted by a complete power failure.
"What's happening?" Misato demanded.
"Unknown," Maya replied. "We just lost all power."
"Get it back on," Misato growled.
"I . . ." Maya paused as the lights came back on.
"Good job Maya," Misato congratulated the bridge bunny.
"The pattern blue has disappeared," Maya said in shock. "The Angel is gone."
"What?"
"I'm also receiving reports that the moon now has 'Shinji Was Her' written on it," Maya said slowly.
"Shinji was her?" Misato said, "her what? What does the angel want with Shinji?"
"There isn't enough information to speculate at this time," Maya said. The power went out again and the bridge crew sighed.
"Have maintenance take a look at the wiring," Misato ordered. "And have security check for sabotage." No one so much as blinked when the power came back on again.
"Uh . . . about that writing on the moon," Maya began.
"Yes?"
"It now says 'Shinji Was Here,'" Maya finished. "Satellites show a large beam of concentrated light with a probable origin point of Tokyo III writing on the moon at times coinciding with the power failures."
"Shinji," Misato screamed into the radio. "What did you just do?"
"Dad gives me a really cool laser rifle and you don't expect me to play with it?" Shinji asked with a smirk. "What are you nuts?"
"You vandalised the moon and destroyed several satellites," Misato screamed.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Shinji said with a hurt look on his face.
"So you expect us to believe that some other boy in a giant robot wrote on the moon with a giant laser?" Misato asked sarcastically.
"When you put it that way," Shinji said. "Yes, yes I do."
"Whatever, I don't get paid enough to deal with things like this." Misato threw up her hands in frustration. "I need a beer."
IIIIIIIIII
In his office, Gendo finally snapped. "That's it," he screamed. "I can't take it anymore." Gendo beat his fists against his desk. "How can Ibeat him, how can I beat my son?" Gendo sobbed for several minutes before he got an idea. "Yes . . . yes, that could work."
Gendo left his office and walked into the command center. "Here to congratulate the pilot sir?" Misato asked.
"Yes . . .congratulate," Gendo said evilly.
"Bring Shinji in," Misato yelled. It took a few minutes to locate the way ward pilot and Shinji was brought in.
"You called?"
"I have something to tell you my son," Gendo said with undisguised glee.
"Yeah?"
"I hate you," Gendo said with a smirk. "And I wish you would kill yourself."
"Such a kidder," Shinji laughed. "What was it you really wanted?"
"Everything I've done was to make your life miserable," Gendo screamed. "Why can't you see that?" The evil man burst into tears. "Why can't you just break and be the annoying weenie that you were supposed to be . . . what the plans called for you to be?"
"I . . . I understand father," Shinji said with tears streaming down his face. "I know what you want now."
"Good," Gendo said firmly between sobs.
"Guards," Shinji said through his tears. "Take him away."
"What?" Gendo said in shock as he was dragged off.
"Shinji," Misato said sadly.
"Putting on aperformance like that so he'd be declared mentally unfit to run Nerve," Shinji began. "Leaving the way open for me to install my puppet in the commander's seat . . . dad . . . you really are the greatest."
"Puppet?" Misato asked.
"Yes puppet," Shinji agreed. "So . . . Commander Misato, why don't you take your chair?"
"It's comfortable," Misato said. "Thanks Shinji."
"Don't mention it puppet," Shinji replied. "Er . . . I mean Misato."
"For my first command," Misato began. "I'm gonna . . ."
"You won't believe what just happened," Ritsuko screamed as she ran into the room.
"Ritsu," Misato whined. "You interrupted my first command."
Ritsuko ignored Misato and turned to the power behind the throne. "Shinji . . . I don't know how to tell you this but . . ."
"But we're out of the EVAs and back in the world," Yui said as she walked in flanked by two other women.
"M . . . mom?" Shinji asked in shock.
"That's right son," Yui agreed. "Sorry I didn't get back sooner but well . . . your father is kinda creepy and . . . well, to be honest."
"It was easier to be trapped in a giant machine then deal with him," one of the other women blurted.
"Oh . . . uh . . .welcome back I guess," Shinji offered. "Mom."
"Wait," Ritsuko said quickly. "What about the angels? How will we fight them if your souls aren't powering the angel . . . er I mean EVAs?"
"Just toss Adam into the medical incinerator," Yui replied. "That will solve all our problems and leave us with nothing but a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered."
"But . . ."
"Leaving us with awhole lot of questions that don't need to be answered," Yui repeated.
"Fine," Ritsuko agreed.
"So son," Yui began. "How did you like your visit with your father?"
"It was great," Shinji began. "First he gave me a giant robot, then . . ."
The End
AN: Thanks go to dogbertcarroll for a bit of help with some of the above scenes. This was a very long omake, very long. Sure I could have written more, but what would be the point. Besides, I don't think I've ever seen this ending to an eva fic. This idea grew from a challenge on Hawk's forum (look in favorite authors). The challenge was to write a Shinji that was raised by a forum member, I jotted out a quick scene and posted it. Then I posted it on my group and they wanted more so I did this, probably the longest OMAKE I've ever written.
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