Categories > Anime/Manga > Excel Saga > Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z

The Obligatory Giant Robot Episode

by Nidoking 0 reviews

An Evangelion tears up F City, F Prefecture; Mihoshi turns Clef to stone; and Moroboshi strikes out. Yakumo dies many times.

Category: Excel Saga - Rating: R - Genres: Crossover, Humor, Parody - Characters: Other - Warnings: [!!] [V] - Published: 2005-05-09 - Updated: 2005-05-10 - 15724 words

A tall, lanky man walked down the crowded Tokyo street, singing to himself. "Cashing my paycheck, cashing my paycheck.... Manga artists are useless pieces of trash, but publishers are willing to pay.... Publishers are suckers and I learned how to draw in grade school...."
Suddenly, a figure dressed in black from head to toe fell from the sky and landed in front of him, making an indentation in the ground and kicking up a cloud of dust. The man stepped back, coughing, as the ninja climbed to his feet, brushing off his clothes. Suddenly, the ninja's face was pressed against his.
"Are you Koshi Rikdo?" the ninja asked in a raspy voice.
"No, I'm not!" Rikdo protested. "I'm paid through the end of the month! It belonged to my younger sister!"
"That's what I thought." The ninja stripped off his hood, revealing a pale face, ear-length brown hair, and a thick pair of glasses. "Your name's written across your forehead."
Rikdo rubbed at the tattoo. "I've been meaning to get rid of that...."
"You're the guy I have to ask if I want to use Excel Saga in fanfiction, right?"
Rikdo shook his head adamantly. "No way! No more Excel Saga fanfiction! Not after I gave permission to That Guy...."
"Yeah, that's what I was referring to," said the would-be author, rubbing the back of his neck. "See, D.B.'s fanfic gave me a crazy idea to replace EVERY character in Excel Saga with a character from a different series, rather than just Excel. And instead of making the fic about the replacement, I plan to just plop in the new characters and run through an actual plot." He paused. "Well, what passes for a plot in Excel Saga, anyway."
"You haven't even read the original manga, have you?" Rikdo asked accusingly.
"Not as such, no," the author admitted. "This would be an anime-based fanfiction."
Rikdo considered this. "So, you're basing it on Shinichi's anime, and using none of the original characters?"
The author nodded. "Yep. That's right."
Rikdo shrugged. "What the hell. It's not like you can do anything to my story that hasn't already been done." He produced a pre-stamped paper and handed it to the author before walking past him.
The author squinted at the paper. "Hey!" he called after Rikdo. "This is in Japanese!"
Rikdo called back his reply over his shoulder. "I, Koshi Rikdo, hereby give Nidoking my permission to turn this perversion of Excel Saga into a mega-fusion!"
Nidoking smiled cruelly as he folded the paper up and shoved it into a pocket. "You'll regret having said that sooner or later." As he turned to walk away, he tripped on the edge of the depression he'd created when he fell. Fortunately, he landed on a small yellow creature which broke his fall.
"Pikachu..." moaned the creature as its face twisted into something almost as horrifying as what it had been before the impact....


The blonde girl and her partner saluted the throne that stood in the most prominent location in the dark room. "Hail -" they chorused, stopping short as they realized that the throne was unoccupied.
The girl spun around in increments, searching in the darkness for her employer. "Hello? Boss? Are you out there? It's okay if you're not, since you're the boss and all, but if you're not here, then there's no point in saluting you, and since we're already halfway through the salute, that seems rather wasteful, and I know how you're always going on about how precious resources are, so maybe it would be a good idea to show up right about now, don't you think?" She suddenly stopped and collapsed to the floor, sucking in air in huge gulps. "I forgot to breathe...."
Her partner smacked his tattooed forehead at her stupidity. "Geez, Mihoshi. Don't you ever run out of energy?" As if in response, a laser beam pierced his skull from the side, sending a spray of blood from the exit wound. He fell to the ground, dead as a nail of some sort.
"Nope," replied Mihoshi, examining the laser pistol she'd just shot him with. "It's still got plenty of juice."
The blood slowly seeped back into his head as the hole closed. "You think?" he asked indignantly.
"Yep," she replied, pointing to a display on the side. "The power meter shows 85%."
He jumped to his feet. "If you already knew it was full, why did you shoot me with it?"
A giant bead of sweat ran down the back of Mihoshi's head. "Sorry, Yakumo...."
A spotlight turned on above the throne, shining down upon the fancy seat. Mihoshi and Yakumo's heads snapped up as they leapt to attention, anticipating the appearance of the throne's usual occupant. Mihoshi summarily tripped over her own feet and fell into Yakumo, knocking him over. He landed hard, cracking his head on the floor as a short man with thick white hair dropped from the ceiling to land lightly in the throne.
"Hail, Clef!" shouted Mihoshi, raising her hand with the fingers fully extended and her wrist fully bent.
Clef's brow furrowed. "That's the Nazi salute, Mihoshi."
"I've been conducting a study of otherworldly cultures as per your earlier request, Lord Clef!" replied Mihoshi. "It appears that the Nazis were a group devoted to taking over the world, just like ACROSS, so I thought we should incorporate some of their practices into our daily routine!"
"And did you happen to finish your research and discover what happened to the Nazi regime in the end?" asked Clef. "For example, why they're a HISTORICAL political group that's not around today?"
Mihoshi pressed her index fingers together in embarrassment. "Um, I believe they conquered all of Europe, which gave them three extra armies per turn, and then, I don't know, maybe they got three cards that matched, and won a free trip to Jupiter and went to live there?"
"Half right is more than I expected from you," said Clef, raising his staff. "But it's not enough. I'm afraid your performance today has been unacceptable." He tapped the bottom of his staff sharply on the floor. "ELURIA! PIT OF DARKNESS!"
Before the spell could take effect, Yakumo climbed to his feet, using Mihoshi's clothes as handholds. "You...."
Mihoshi slowly backed away as Yakumo's haggard face appeared in front of hers. "Gee, Yakumo, I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to kill you again, honest! It was an accident!"
"I've put up with your accidents long enough!" shouted Yakumo. "This time...!"
Mihoshi smiled back timidly. "Um, Yakumo... you're standing above the pit."
Yakumo glanced down just long enough to confirm that this was indeed the case before turning his burning glare on Mihoshi. "I hate you." With that, he dropped into the darkness.
Mihoshi leaned over the side and peered into the pit until a shower of blood flew up, splattering all over her. "What was at the bottom of this one?" she asked.
"Razor-thin spikes," Clef replied calmly. "It's a quick death. You'd like it far more than the other method I have in store for you."
"Don't worry, I got the hint." Mihoshi waved half-heartedly, pinched her nose shut, and jumped into the pit. "GERONIMAAAAAAAAATION!"
Clef hung his head and groaned. "Why did I ever hire those two?"
"I have no idea," replied Sailor Pluto as she took her usual perch beside his throne. "All I know is that it makes far too much work for me." She waved her staff, filling the room with a rainbow swirl of colors.
"I'm sorry my death inconvenienced you, Sailor Pluto!" shouted Mihoshi, giving the usual salute rather than the one that had caused the trouble in the first place. Then, she started and looked in every direction. "Hey, where's Yakumo?"
"He's been immune to my power from day one," replied Pluto as she strode out of the room through a doorway that didn't exist.
The floor under Mihoshi's feet shook, causing her to dance uncontrollably. "Oh no! It's an earthquake! Close all your doors and windows, and nail the children and pets to the floor! This is surely a sign of the apocalypse, or ACROSS's world conquest and successful subjugation of the entire human race, and any other species with enough brains to be ruled!"
The floor tile rose at a slant, knocking Mihoshi to the floor, as Yakumo climbed out of the pit at last. "Geez, Mihoshi, lose some weight," he grumbled as he let the tile fall back into place.
"Sorry," whined Mihoshi, tears pouring down her face like twin waterfalls.
Clef cleared his throat. "Are you two finished?"
They immediately snapped to attention. "Yes, Lord Clef!" they chorused.
"Good." He held his staff up, and a map of F City, F Prefecture appeared in the air before him.
Mihoshi cooed and prodded at the map with a finger. "Hey, Clef, how does this thingy work? Is it a hologram or what?"
Clef's eyebrow twitched as his fingers clenched the staff tightly. "I told you, it's MAGIC!"
She froze in place. "Paralysis!"
Clef groaned. "That's going to go over the heads of our English readers."
"Oh, fowwy," said Mihoshi without moving her lips. "I'ww haff to shoose am eafier pum." She spun around and held up a thermos with the map of F Prefecture printed around it. "This is a magic thermos!"
Clef banged the tip of his staff on the ground. "Unacceptable."
"It's funny if you look it up in a Japanese dictionaryyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Mihoshi called as she plummeted into the pit.
"So, what's our assignment this time, Lord Clef?" asked Yakumo.
"Hey!" Mihoshi called from the bottom of the pit. "This stuff feels like water, but it burns!"
"As you know," Clef began, ignoring Mihoshi's voice as per usual, "our attempt at citywide conquest has not been faring well. I attribute most of that failure to Mihoshi's stupidity."
"Oh, it hurts my ears to hear you say that," called Mihoshi, "but maybe that's just this acidic liquid I'm swimming in!"
"I'm sure I share some part of the responsibility," Yakumo said with a bow.
"It may be eating through my clothes, too!"
"That may be true," agreed Clef, "but I'm not here to judge you today."
"Ooh, look! It's even dissolving the metal and declaring war on my muscles!"
"Your mission," continued Clef, ignoring the horrible pun, "will be of higher priority than usual."
"It's cleaning my hair, too! Shampoo! Mousse! Ryoga!"
"We'll do our best to carry out the mission, Lord Clef!" Yakumo announced proudly.
"It's burning my sensitive parts now!" shouted Mihoshi. "Extreme pain causes abnormally high leap!" She flew up out of the pit with her hands between her legs and her clothes in tatters, landing on her face next to Yakumo. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"
"I trust you've learned a valuable lesson from this experience, Mihoshi?" ventured Clef.
"I sure did!" said Mihoshi. "Not even the strongest clothing or thickest skin is adequate protection from Lord Clef's righteous indignation!" Her uniform suddenly gave up its last shred of coherence and fell apart around her, leaving her wearing nothing but a deep blush and strategically placed black boxes. "And now my uniform has gone to pieces. Say, Sailor Pluto, can you fix my clothes?"
Sailor Pluto stepped behind Mihoshi and groaned. "Are we going to overuse this gimmick right from the start?" She waved her staff.
Mihoshi stared despondently at the bunny costume she was wearing. "Hey, what is this? This uniform is not ACROSS standard!" She pulled at every inch of it in turn. "The waist is too tight! And it pinches my chest a bit! And the hips are too tight as well! And it doesn't cover my legs at all! But I like this cotton tail... it feels cozy."
Yakumo wiped a spot of drool from his chin. "Hey, boss, you think we can keep this costume?"
"It's certainly tempting," agreed Clef, "but needless exhibitionism is one of the things we're trying to rid the world of."
"What? Since when?" protested Yakumo.
"We're trying to cleanse this society of impurities and all things that lead to lapses in thought."
"What was that?" asked Yakumo as he continued to drool over Mihoshi's costume. "I wasn't paying attention."
"That much is clear," said Clef, tapping his staff on the floor. While Yakumo fell into the pit, he nodded to Sailor Pluto. "Please restore her normal outfit."
Pluto sighed. "That's what I get for trying to lighten the mood...."
"There, I'm done here," said Pluto. "Now, can everyone please stop needing my services for a few minutes? I'm due to star in a Chibi-Moon lemon now."
Clef cringed. "I would make the elimination of Chibi-Moon lemons an immediate priority, if the already planned mission were not so critical."
"If the mission is critical enough to leave such an obvious example of bad taste unchecked, it must really be important," observed Mihoshi.
"Indeed," said Clef. "This mission is even more important than the eradication of Java IRC clients that I have scheduled for next week."
"Aren't we stretching the scope of this fanfic a bit too far?" Mihoshi ventured.
"Perhaps," agreed Clef. "But my character is a vehicle for the author's opinions, as it was in the original work."
Yakumo pulled himself over the lip of the pit. "So, what is this ultra-important mission you've got for us?"
"I was just getting to that," said Clef. "Now, returning to the map of F City...."
Mihoshi handed him a small package wrapped in a map. "Here you go, Lord Clef."
"Why, how thoughtful of you, Mihoshi," said Clef, pulling the map off and letting the contents fall into his lap. "A hunk of cheese?"
"Yep!" Mihoshi said proudly. "In the original Japanese, it sounds like the word for map!"
Clef's free hand twitched violently as he clenched it into a fist. "I warned you about making puns that the English readers won't understand...!"
He trailed off as a Pikachu landed in his lap. "Pikachu!" it said happily.
"Oh, what's this cute little thing?" asked Mihoshi, bending down to examine it.
"Watch out, Lord Clef!" shouted Yakumo. "That's a Pikachu! Mihoshi and I have encountered them before! They're dangerous!"
"Pikachu?" the Pikachu asked innocently, nibbling at the cheese.
Clef stroked its back. "It's so cute...."
The Pikachu perked its head up. "PIKACHU!" it called into the darkness.
"PI-KA-CHU! PI-KA-CHU!" came the responding chant as an entire spark of Pikachus marched from all sides and leapt into Clef's lap.
"This is rather uncomfortable," Clef said calmly. "But they're still cute."
"Lord Clef, be careful!" shouted Yakumo, leaping to Clef's rescue. "Pikachus may look cute, but they've got a dangerous power!" He grabbed one of the Pikachus and pulled it away from his boss.
The Pikachu's face darkened. "Pikachu..." it grumbled darkly, before sending a powerful electric shock through Yakumo's body, frying him.
Clef scratched his chin, only to discover that it was not his finger doing the scratching, but a Pikachu's tail. "Hmmm... perhaps it would be best if we divested me of these creatures."
"Don't worry, Lord Clef!" Mihoshi cried enthusiastically. "I'll take care of them for you!"
"I don't think that's a good idea," Clef put in hastily. "I wouldn't want to agitate them...."
"Don't worry," Mihoshi repeated. "I'll set my blaster to STUN." She turned a dial on her blaster, pointed it at the Pikachus, and pulled the trigger.
"Wait, Miho-" was all Clef could get out before the Pikachus leapt out of the way and the beam struck him full in the chest. Instantly, Clef's entire body turned to stone.
The nearest Pikachu climbed into the lap of the Clef statue and gazed longingly at the stone hunk of cheese. "Pikachu..." it moaned despondently.
"Whoops," said Mihoshi, scratching her head as she stared at her pistol. "That must have been the STONE setting. I always get those confused." Suddenly realizing what she'd done, she fell to her knees and bowed profusely, kissing Clef's stone feet. "I'm so sorry, Lord Clef! Please don't drop me into another pit! I really didn't mean it!"
"He's not going to drop you into a pit, bonehead," spat Yakumo. "He's a statue."
"An elephant?" repeated Mihoshi, trying to picture Clef with big floppy ears and a trunk.
Yakumo groaned. "Just turn him back so we can find out what our mission is."
Mihoshi's face curled into an embarrassed grin. "I... don't know how, exactly?"
"Man!" Yakumo lowered his head and clutched his forehead in one hand. "How are we going to advance the plot now?"
"Just leave that to me!" a voice announced proudly from the back of the room. As the pair turned to face the new character, a spotlight turned on over his head. He adjusted his glasses and posed with his finger and thumb forming a V under his chin. Heroic music played in the background.
"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Yakumo.
"I'm Nidoking, the author," he replied. "Everything that happens is under my control, and I can cause anything to happen, no matter how outrageous or silly it may seem. In fact, this is Excel Saga! The sillier, the better!"
"What are you -" Yakumo began before a large safe fell on top of him.
"I think we need more Yakumo death scenes," Nidoking announced.
"But what about our mission?" asked Mihoshi. "Didn't you say you could help us with the plot?"
"What plot?" asked Nidoking. "I don't remember saying anything about a plot."
"But you said...." Mihoshi's head spun around on her neck. "This time, I'm confused. I'm so confused, I forgot the tomatoes."
The safe fell onto its side as Yakumo climbed to his feet. "Are you saying THERE IS NO PLOT?"
Nidoking's eyes darted from side to side. "Well, I never actually SAID that, as such...."
"What kind of a hack writer are you if you can't even come up with a plot?" demanded Yakumo. A boulder landed on him and crushed him to death.
"Here!" Nidoking shouted quickly, grabbing a random man with long blond hair and thrusting him in front of the door. "This guy will explain everything!" He quickly ran, leaving the newcomer to fend for himself.
Mihoshi examined the man carefully, noting the large guitar slung over his back. "You're cute. What's your name?"
He reached over his shoulder and pulled the guitar to his front as if drawing a sword from a shoulder scabbard. Flipping his hair, he positioned his hands appropriately and strummed the strings, producing a grating chord. "Sauuuuuuuceeeeeeeeeeer," he sang.
Mihoshi blinked. "A police investigation?"
Suddenly, his hands flew across the strings as he picked up the pace of the song. "I'm here to tell you about the dragon, well actually it's a dragon half but it's as troublesome as a rabid fangirl, I'm so hot all the girls want to be in my fanclub, ACROSS headquarters is displeased again, YEAH!"
Yakumo slowly oozed out from under the boulder and gathered himself up. "What a racket," he complained, holding the sides of his head. "Who is that guy, anyway?"
"He seems to be an idol singer in a boy band," observed Mihoshi. "He has absolutely no skill, but I still feel the strange urge to tear all of his clothes off and...." She glanced aside at Yakumo.
"Hey, don't look at me like that!" snapped Yakumo. "I want no part of your sick yaoi fantasies!"
"Shut up!" shouted Saucer, slamming his guitar into Yakumo's head hard enough to leave a blood-spurting dent. "I'm trying to sing here!"
Mihoshi prodded her dead partner with a foot. "Are we doing a FLCL crossover now too? Is that what our mission was supposed to be?"
Saucer shrugged. "How should I know? I was just supposed to sing." He took a bow, retrieved his instrument, and swept out the door in search of glory and four more bad singers to round out his posse.
Meanwhile, in a well-lit room on an upper floor of the F City Hall, six civil servants were busy with paperwork. Well, half of them were busy with paperwork. The youngest member of the group had no idea what she was supposed to be doing, since she couldn't read, so she was randomly stamping every document she could find. At the other end of the table, her older counterpart was too busy fending off the unwanted attentions of her neighbor to accomplish anything. It was times like these that made her wonder why she'd been created at all....
"Enough narrating," she snapped, smacking the hand that was reaching for her chest. "Just make something happen before I end up killing him."
"Aw, don't be that way, Bloodberry," whined her grabby coworker. "We both know you can't resist me!"
"True," agreed Bloodberry. "The urge to kill you is overpowering."
Taking the hint for once, he turned flirtatiously to the woman on his other side. "Say, Rally Vincent, would you mind explaining to her why I'm such an incredible hunk who -" He froze as the barrel of a customized revolver entered his mouth.
"Shut up and keep your hands away from me, Moroboshi," Rally said coldly. "And stop using my full name!"
"Mo pwovlem."
Across the table from Moroboshi, his two roommates glumly shook their heads. "He couldn't even get his work done when there were no women around at all," said the one who looked suspiciously like a woman himself.
The panda nodded and held up a sign which read [THE MORE GIRLS WE MEET], then flipped it over to reveal [THE LESS WORK WE GET DONE.]
Moroboshi sighed gratefully as Rally returned her gun to its hidden holster. "Can I help it if I'm helplessly attracted to the fine ladies I work with?"
"Nuku Nuku wants to be a fine lady too!" shouted the youngest member, leaping athletically over the table to land on top of him as a pair of metal ears sprang from the sides of her head. "Be attracted to Nuku Nuku too!"
"No way!" screamed Moroboshi. "You're just a little girl! What do you think I am, some kind of sick pervert?"
"Yes," chorused the other three, while the panda held up a sign that read the same.
"Nuriko! Genma! Not you guys too!" protested Moroboshi. "We're supposed to be compadres!"
Nuriko crossed his arms. "We just share an apartment, you lech."
[YOU'RE ONE TO TALK,] Genma pointed out. [YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A MAN....]
"Shut up!" snapped Nuriko. "You're a freaking panda, for crying out loud!"
Rally lowered her head. "You're all sick."
"I'm not sick!" shouted Moroboshi. "I want this runt off me!"
"Nuku Nuku isn't a runt! Nuku Nuku is a fine lady!"
The door opened, and the section chief strode into the room with his usual cheery air. "Hello, everyone!" he said jovially, letting the butt of his tall, crooked staff come to rest on the floor.
"Hi, chief," said everyone who was sitting down and capable of speech.
Nuku Nuku leapt to her feet and ran to give the section leader a hug. "You think I'm a fine lady, don't you?"
He smiled. "Can't imagine why not," he said jovially.
"Yay! Yay!" cheered Nuku Nuku, leaping around the room and bouncing off every surface in sight, regardless of its orientation or stability.
Moroboshi climbed into his seat and pulled over a stack of papers to catch the blood dripping from his nose. "Yo, chief."
"Hey, Moroboshi, what's with the nose gusher?" teased Nuriko. "You got a thing for that little one after all?"
"Not a chance, you jerk!" Moroboshi shot back. "She smacked my nose when I hit the floor, that's all!"
"Now that I have everyone's attention," the chief said jovially as Nuku Nuku bounced off his head, "I've got an important assignment for all of you today!" He leaned back and beamed benevolently, as if waiting for his employees to applaud his genius.
"Well?" Nuriko finally hazarded. "What is it?"
The chief raised an index finger slyly. "That..." he said jovially, "is a secret!"
A young woman in a tight yellow leather midriff jacket and short shorts slid into the room. "Mr. Xellos, your bath is ready."
"Sorry, everyone," Xellos said jovially, holding up an apologetic hand. "Some important government business has come up, and I must attend to it immediately." He slid backwards without changing his position at all until he was well into the hallway, then hiked up his robe and ran out of sight.
The secretary snorted. "That's the boss for ya. Never wipes that goofy smile off his face or gives a straight answer to anything."
Rally stood up. "Miss Valentine, would you mind explaining the chief's mission to us?"
"Call me Faye," replied Faye. "As far as I can tell, Mr. Xellos is expecting some kind of attack on the city, and he wants you six to deal with it."
Nuku Nuku came to a stop right in front of Faye. "I can deal with it too! I'm special! Praise me!"
Faye produced a gleaming handgun and put a bullet through Nuku Nuku's head. "Like I said, he wants the five of you to deal with it."
"What kind of threat is it?" asked Bloodberry. "And how are we supposed to stop it?"
Faye shrugged. "Beats me. I only worry about trouble with money attached. Oh, and by the way... he also wants you to use as many Japanese words and phrases as you can."
"Why?" asked Nuriko. "Or, rather, doushite?"
"Wakaranai," replied Faye. "All I could get him to say on the subject was 'Sore ha himitsu deeeeeeeeeesu!'"
"Mattaku," sighed Nuriko.
A tall man in a white coat pushed his way past Faye and knelt beside the damaged Nuku Nuku. "Hmmm... yes, yes. Definitely broken."
Faye shielded her eyes from the light reflecting off the oversized mirror strapped to the man's back. "Mori-sensei, what are you doing here?"
"Seishun," replied Dr. Mori. "My beautiful creation has been defiled, and so I must repair it." He tore Nuku Nuku's clothes off and threw them into the corner. "Ah, such a wonderful sight. Subarashii."
Faye ventured a peek and immediately kicked the doctor's head. "What the hell are you doing? The hole's in her head, not her pants!"
"This guy always creeps me out," said Moroboshi. The others nodded their assent.
Dr. Mori gave a satisfied nod. "I can fix her. I can make her better, stronger, faster. Sono technology ga aru." He put his fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly.
Sailor Pluto appeared behind him. "He calls me technology? Kuso...."
Nuku Nuku sat up. "Wai! Wai! I'm defectively broken! Wai!"
"That's my girl," said Dr. Mori with a smile. "Ne?"
"Ne!" agreed Nuku Nuku, leaping to her feet.
Dr. Mori ruffled her hair affectionately and straightened up. "Time for me to make my exit." He whipped the mirror from his back and aimed it at the wall, reflecting the sunlight streaming in from the window onto a large spot. "REFLECTION BEAM!" he shouted, tilting the mirror slightly. The beam instantly intensified, becoming so bright that the wall disintegrated, leaving a hole wide enough for him to leap through, which he summarily did.
[HE MEANT THAT LITERALLY,] observed Genma.
"Ja bai bai!" Nuku Nuku shouted after him, waving to the hole.
Faye shook her head. "Everyone in this place is a total nutcase. I'm getting the hell out of here before I turn into one myself. Ittekimasu!" she said with a wave as she swept out the door.
"Itterasshai!" the others called as the door closed.
Rally groaned. "This is beginning to sound like a really warui fanfiction."
"Sou da!" said Moroboshi, waving a finger in the air. "I absolutely, ZETTAI NI cannot work under these conditions!"
"Urusai na, Moroboshi-kun," sighed Nuriko. "Some people actually prefer it when we talk this way."
"But that doesn't make any sense!" protested Moroboshi. "It's insane! Completely baka!"
"I wonder," said Bloodberry, "to exactly what extent are we supposed to speak in Japanese?"
"To the extent you can, darou ne," replied Rally. "Pretty much anything you know how to say in Japanese, the fanboys can figure out."
"I've been programmed with fluency in Japanese," stated Bloodberry. "I could speak circles around any fanboy, no matter how devoted."
"Sugee!" said Moroboshi. "Let's hear some!"
"Yeah, kikasete moraemasu ka, or whatever," said Rally.
Bloodberry cleared her throat. "Ano baka na hakase ha seiji no koto, zenzen shiranai hazu da na!"
"That sounds great, Bloodberry!" Xellos' voice said jovially from an unseen source. "Keep up the great work. Ganbatte ne?"
"Wai, wai!" cheered Nuku Nuku. "Uncle Xellos said ganbatte! That means Nuku Nuku has to work extra hard! Wai!" She enthusiastically grabbed the stamp pad from her desk and began to stamp everything in sight, including the desks, walls, ceiling, her coworkers, and a passing Pikachu.
" And just to save you the trouble, I know exactly who you are as well... Sailor Venus."

Enemies with powers unlike anything they've ever seen before....

> Mewtwo stood up to face the tiara as it approached. "Useless." The blue lights flared in its visor, and the
> tiara spun off to the side, missing Mewtwo by half the width of the street.
> "No!" cried Mercury. "We were so close!"

Enemies that cannot be defeated by any means at their disposal....

> Venus backed away, firing her Crescent Beam as quickly as she could to hold Cell off. Sailor Moon's
> tiara sliced through Cell's neck, removing his head. The stump of Cell's neck bulged, and a new head
> sprouted forth. "He's unstoppable!" whined Sailor Moon. "We're never going to beat him!"

A General Time Paradox

Read it today.


RALLY: Is something going to happen this time around?
MOROBOSHI: Tabun ne.
"So, what's going to happen next?" asked the generic bad fanfiction author, his words slightly distorted by the finger jammed up his left nostril.
Nidoking shrugged. "I hadn't really thought that far ahead. Obviously, they have to do something about the giant Evangelion that's destroying the city."
"Why don't you just do it yourself?" asked the author. "After all, you're the self-insert. It's your JOB to totally kick ass and save the day because the main characters in your story are wimps."
Nidoking shrugged. "Yeah, I could do that, but I'm lazy."
"Lazy nothing!" retorted the author. "It's just words on a page! You'll be typing whether you take the easy way out or come up with some other bogus solution! If you just take the obvious solution, you won't have to waste time thinking about it!"
Nidoking shrugged. "Sure, that's what the mainstream does, but I thought Excel Saga was all about going AGAINST the mainstream."
The author sighed. "But you're parodying bad fanfiction! How can you do that without making use of some of the conventions in the original format?"
A giant purple metal foot smashed through the ceiling and landed on the author, crushing him to death. The sufferers of atrocious grammar and plotless pornography the world over cheered.
Nidoking shrugged. "Use my imagination, I guess." He stuck out his foot and casually tripped the Eva, knocking it flat on its face. "But maybe he had a point, in a way. That was kinda fun."
"Mita ka?" exclaimed Moroboshi from the roof of City Hall, handing the binoculars to Rally. "It just tripped on something and fell down!"
"Of course I saw it, you bonehead," replied Rally, ignoring the eyepiece. "It's big enough to be seen from J City."
"But we're not in J City," he reminded her.
Nuriko groaned. "Do you listen to yourself, Moroboshi? Do you ever pay attention to the words that are coming out of your mouth?"
"What words?" he asked, watching as a large speech balloon formed over his head with the words "What words?" printed in it. "Oh, that?" he asked, pointing to it. "Yeah, I see that all the time!"
"You would ask that," said Nuriko.
Bloodberry's eyes returned to their normal hue as she finished her scan. "It seems to be a manmade construction, operated by a human pilot," she announced. "It's surrounded by an impenetrable shield."
Nuku Nuku also finished her scan. "The building next door has chocolate!" she announced.
"So how can we defeat it?" Rally asked, ignoring the younger android.
"I'll have to do it alone," said Bloodberry.
"No, I can help!" insisted Nuku Nuku.
"I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.
"No, I can help!" whined Nuku Nuku.
"I'll have to do it alone," repeated Bloodberry.
"No, I can help!" pleaded Nuku Nuku.
Bloodberry calmly produced a length of rope and hogtied Nuku Nuku. "I'll have to do it alone," she said, stuffing a gag in Nuku Nuku's mouth.
"Mmph! Mm cmm hmmm!" Nuku Nuku screamed into the gag.
"Tetsudanee, urusai," said Bloodberry as she stood triumphantly over her younger counterpart.
"Oh, man, are we back to the Japanese again?" groaned Rally.
"We have no choice," replied Bloodberry. "Hakase's orders are orders."
"Yep," agreed Nuriko. "If you want to get your kyuuryou at the end of the isshuukan, you'll have to hanasu in nihongo."
"That's just creepy," said Rally, edging away from Nuriko. "Don't mix in so many Japanese words."
"Don't you mean 'kowai'?" suggested Moroboshi.
Rally grabbed the hand that was prodding her behind and pulled it firmly away while she drew a pistol with the other hand and rammed it up Moroboshi's left nostril. "I think 'hentai' covers you pretty well, doesn't it? How'd you like to add 'shinderu' to the list?"
"" he repeated, rolling the syllables on his tongue as he tried to reverse conjugate the verb and determine the standard form. When he'd figured it out, he did his best to shake his head while impeded by the firearm still lodged in his nose. "No thanks. Just 'hentai' works for me." His eyes dropped to Nuku Nuku. "You know, there's something appealing about a girl who's tied up...."
"SUGOKU hentai," muttered Nuriko.
Moroboshi smacked himself in the face several times. "No! No! Iya da! She's just a kodomo!"
"Not to mention a robot," Nuriko pointed out.
Nuku Nuku spat out the gag. "Android!"
Nuriko tapped Moroboshi on the shoulder, making his arm go numb. "Say, did you see which way Bloodberry went?"
Moroboshi spun around, taking in the five people - or rather, three people, one panda, and one tied-up android - who remained on the rooftop. "She's gone!" The color drained from his face, which didn't change his appearance noticeably. "Don't tell me she...." He ran to the edge of the roof and leaned over, nearly plunging to a messy death before he caught himself on the ledge and peered down toward the giant robot that was just getting to its feet in the streets below, as well as the nubile android running toward it at full speed. "BLOODBERRY!"
With one final powerful blow from Bloodberry, the Eva finally shuddered for its final time and collapsed face-first onto the street, incidentally crushing nearly every one of the buildings that had formerly remained standing after the intense battle. Bloodberry stood tall over the metal corpse, her hair and eyes glinting in the sunlight with highlights 28% shinier than industry standard.
"Bloodberry!" cheered Moroboshi as he ran up the sheer side of the robot, arms outstretched.
"Ataru!" Bloodberry called back, running to meet him halfway. They leapt into each other's arms, not caring where gravity decided to take them.
"I'm so glad I got to know you!" Bloodberry cried breathlessly. "You're such a wonderful man, and I still don't know what it means to be a real woman!"
"Don't worry," he assured her. "I'll teach you what it means."
"I want you to teach me how to buy shoes, and how to balance a checkbook, and how to squeal when a man grabs me inappropriately!"
"All those things are important for a woman," agreed Moroboshi, "but why don't we skip all of that and go right to the final lesson?"
He grabbed her inappropriately.
She squealed blissfully.
They melted into each other as they rose into the sky. Around them, everyone inexplicably dissolved into puddles of orange goo while a cross-shaped nuclear reaction rent the clouds above them. But the lovers didn't care. They were finally one, as it was intended all along....
Back in the real world outside Moroboshi's demented imagination, Bloodberry smacked into an invisible shield several yards from the Eva and fell onto her back.
"BLOODBERRY!" Moroboshi screamed again. "How could this happen! You were so beautiful, and we never had a chance to explore our love!"
"She's not dead, you idiot," said Rally. "She just fell down."
Moroboshi turned to look up at her with tears in his eyes. "Rally Vincent... you DO care about me!" He hopped to his feet to hug her, but the familiar barrel of her pistol stopped him short.
"Don't use my full name, sukebe," she warned him.
"Hate to break up the tender moment," said Nuriko, "but it looks like Bloodberry could use our help."
Nuriko rolled up a sleeve, brandishing his iron-hard bicep. "You have to ask?"
"Strength alone isn't going to win this battle," said Rally. "We're going to need firepower."
Nuriko nodded. "Right, what have you got?"
"Not much on me, I'm afraid," admitted Rally. "But there's plenty of artillery back at the shop."
"Nuku Nuku has weapons!" cried the trussed android. "Let me help, onegai shimasu!"
"Good idea," said Nuriko. He picked up Nuku Nuku and slung her over his shoulder. "Just remember to tell me where your trigger is when the time comes." He pointed toward the Eva in the distance. "Minna, ikusee!"
"Hey, no fair!" whined Nuku Nuku as they leapt from the rooftop, traversing the maze of successively shorter buildings that would lead to their target. "HANASE!"
"Is it my turn yet?" asked Mihoshi. "It's not fair! It's already the fifth scene of the second half, and I haven't even appeared yet!"
"You're appearing now," Yakumo informed her. "And you were in most of the first half."
"But that's not enough!" protested Mihoshi. "I'm the star of the story! I'm supposed to be in EVERY scene!"
"Personally, I'd rather appear a lot less," said Yakumo. "I'm tired of dying all the time." Rather predictably, a piano landed on him and crushed him to death.
"Be more careful when throwing pianos out the window!" said an admonishing voice from the window above. "You could have killed somebody!"
"It's okay, honey," responded another voice. "It just landed in the middle of that spreading pool of blood."
"Oh, no!" cried Mihoshi. "Yakumo's dead again! What can I do?"
A miniature winged man appeared on her left shoulder, dressed completely in black. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked. "The city's getting demolished, and it's your fault! I say get the heck out of here while the getting's good!"
"That sounds like very good advice," said Mihoshi. "But who are you?"
The tiny man scowled. "Don't you recognize me? I'm Koryu, your bad conscience! I told you to join ACROSS, I told you to turn Clef into a statue, and I've told you to kill Yakumo hundreds of times."
"Oh, yeah," said Mihoshi. "I remember now. But what about my good conscience?"
Mihoshi turned to the winged woman on her other shoulder, who was clothed in nothing but a copious curtain of flowing blonde hair. Her eyes widened as she realized it was her turn to speak, and she cleared her throat delicately. "Go into your heart. You have to remodel the queen's plan! The incorrect preface is playing with the clouds!"
Koryu shook his head. "Rane never makes any sense anyway."
Rane sighed heavily. "I can't leave the mainland," she agreed.
"Oh, what can I do?" sobbed Mihoshi. "I want to obey my good conscience, but I can't understand what she's saying! Is this why I'm always doing such bad things?"
"You're not a laughingstock," Rane assured her.
"I'd say you're plenty laughable," countered Koryu. "Meanwhile, what do you plan to do about that robot?"
Mihoshi turned to Rane. "What should I do?" she asked.
Mihoshi turned to Koryu. "And what do you say?"
Koryu shrugged. "Someone will probably take care of it eventually."
Mihoshi nodded. "Then I'll have to help them in any way I can!" she decided. She sat down at the piano and began to play one of Beethoven's louder and faster moving symphonies as background music for the next scene.
The massive machine swung its legs toward the sky and leapt to its feet in a single fluid motion. It spun around on one toe, kicking out with the other leg and knocking Bloodberry out of the air, then stomped on the ground hard, narrowly missing the rest of the crew as they struggled to catch up.
"This is a war... even though I don't like it..." said Shinji, as the Eva reached behind its back and drew forth a knife handle. With a soft hum, a ludicrously long orange blade emerged from the handle. The music crescendoed as the blade swung down, right at where Bloodberry had fallen.
"BLOODBERRY!" shouted Moroboshi, running to what he could only hope would be her rescue.
The sword hit the ground hard, sending up a huge cloud of dust and gouging a trench through the land where several apartment complexes had been. Moroboshi drew to a halt several blocks away, staring at the blade in horror. "BLOODBERRY!" he shouted again.
"Hey, keep it down," groaned Bloodberry. "This is hard enough without you distracting me!"
"Eh?" Moroboshi looked up to see Bloodberry holding the giant blade above her head with both hands, preventing it from crushing her, or slicing her in half, or incinerating her, or whatever fate would have awaited her had the blade struck. "Bloodberry! You're alive!"
"That's not technically true," replied Bloodberry. "But I haven't been destroyed yet."
Moroboshi stared at the scene and scratched his head. "But how can you be holding up a blade made entirely out of energy?"
"BAKA!" cried Bloodberry. "Don't bring real-life physics into this, or -" At that, her hands sank easily into the massless blade, and the sword completed its arc, wiping her out of existence.
Moroboshi grabbed the sides of his head and started tearing his hair out. "I'm such an idiot! Why did I have to break the fourth wall? I have to fix it! Hayaku, someone get me some bricks and plaster!"
"Oh, get over it," said Bloodberry from beside him. "It could be worse."
Moroboshi's eyes grew wide, and he turned to throw his arms around Bloodberry, who held him at arm's length just in time. "Bloodberry! You're alive - or whatever - again!"
"I'm not the same Bloodberry," she pointed out. "I'm just a copy of the original."
Moroboshi scratched his head. "Coffee?"
Bloodberry scooped him up and leapt out of the way as the sword swung sideways at them. "Less talking and more dodging! We'll never survive at this rate, much less take out this robot!" The pair landed on the roof of a van, which immediately accelerated and took off as a giant metal foot landed in the space where it had been.
"Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!" shouted Moroboshi, falling onto his stomach and grabbing at the sides of the roof.
"Have I seen this van before?" Bloodberry wondered aloud as the van pulled to a stop in front of the rest of the City Defenders. She hopped lightly to the ground, pulling Moroboshi with her.
The side door slid open, revealing the beaming Xellos in his bathrobe. "I'm glad to see that you all arrived in time to deal with this giant robot!" he said jovially.
"What are we supposed to do against it?" asked Nuriko. "We can't even get close!"
"Don't worry," Xellos assured him jovially. "I brought your Daiten suits with me."
"Dame da yo!" shouted Moroboshi. "I'm not wearing that ridiculous costume ever again!"
"Oh dear," Xellos moaned jovially. "Then it appears that our town is doomed!"
Rally sighed. "I'm afraid he's right," she announced. "This is the only way to stop it."
"I have to agree with Moroboshi on this one," said Nuriko. "I mean, at least you girls look good in yours. We look like a bunch of freaks."
"Especially Genma," said Moroboshi, jerking a thumb at the panda.
"Come on," said Bloodberry, deciding the matter for all of them. "Let's untie Nuku Nuku and get this over with."
"Wai! Oneechan sugoi!" cheered Nuku Nuku. She easily broke the ropes and landed on her feet, jumping for joy at her imminent liberation.
"That's the spirit!" Xellos chimed in jovially. "Sassuga my team!"
Bloodberry smacked her forehead with her palm. "Anna yatsu..."


"Wai!" Nuku Nuku cheered again, leaping into the air to better show off her pastel blue uniform. "I feel so kawaii and cuddly!"
Rally, clad in an identical lime green bodysuit, scratched her head as best she could through the awkward mittens that prevented her from using her fingers. "Tell me again why these suits don't have fingers or feet?"
"It's based on some dumb cartoon," said Bloodberry, whose pink suit went well with her bright orange hair. "Powerbar Girls or something like that."
A giant sweatdrop ran down the back of Rally's head. "Is that the best they could come up with?"
"Could be worse," said Bloodberry. "It could have been A-Ko, B-Ko, and C-Ko."
Rally shuddered at the image of Nuku Nuku playing C-Ko. "I think I'll stick with the Powerbars."
"Easy for you to say," grumbled Moroboshi. "You at least get suits that enhance your powers."
Rally leapt off the ground and hovered, a mini-jetpack on her back keeping her in the air. "I suppose so... but you guys look pretty cute in those outfits."
"I DON'T WANT TO LOOK CUTE!" shouted Moroboshi. "This is just plain hazukashii!"
"The blond wigs suit you," Bloodberry put in.
"And you get nifty musical instruments!" chimed Nuku Nuku. "Nuku Nuku wants one!"
"You can have mine!" Moroboshi willingly offered, trying to lift the guitar strap from around his neck. "What the - this thing's stapled to my shirt!"
"It's part of the costume," said Nuriko. "We can't take them off."
"What, aren't you strong enough?" asked Moroboshi.
Nuriko flipped his newly blond long hair. "I actually kind of like this costume."
"You would!" Moroboshi shot back.
"Hey, we needed a trio of easily recognizable male characters."
[But HANSON?] asked Genma from behind the massive drum set. [Whose baka idea was this, anyway?]
"It looks REALLY weird when you mix up Japanese and English writing," said Nuriko, ignoring the question.
"Enough talk," said Rally. "It's time to take action!" She flew straight at the Evangelion, lowering the special goggles that would allow her to fire lasers from her eyes.
"I recommend we come up with a plan of attack rather than just rushing in blindly!" shouted Bloodberry, taking off after her.
"What's to stop me from just pounding this thing with my super-strength?" asked Rally, seconds before she crumpled against an invisible wall.
"The forcefield," Bloodberry replied disdainfully.
Nuku Nuku soared past, with her head down and her feet pointing to the sky. "Whee! Flying is fun!"
"Was she that hyper in canon?" wondered Bloodberry.
Rally floated up to Bloodberry's side, her face bruised and bloody from her high-speed impact. "Okay, so what's your plan?"
Bloodberry rubbed her chin with her round, stubby hand and thought. "Well, we obviously can't fly through this invisible barrier. Maybe we should try our laser eye-beams."
"Fine by me." They squinted at the Eva and fired two pairs of laser beams at it. They struck the forcefield squarely, revealing a tessellated pattern of red hexagons with the words ACCESS DENIED in each as the beams spread over the surface of the shield, not even able to penetrate at the seams.
"I don't think it's working," said Bloodberry as she turned to Rally.
Rally leapt upward and spread her legs, narrowly avoiding being sliced in half by Bloodberry's eye-beams. "Hey, watch what you're shooting at!"
"Gomen nasai," said Bloodberry. "I can't see a thing while the lasers are firing."
"Well, brute force doesn't work, and planning doesn't seem to have helped," assessed Rally. "So, what's left?"
"I've seen this one!" Nuku Nuku shouted excitedly as she popped up between them. "Nuku Nuku knows what to do!" She flew around the robot in a spiral and came to a stop right in front of its face.
"Hey, come back here!" shouted Rally. She started to fly to Nuku Nuku's rescue, but Bloodberry held her back.
"I want to see what she does," said the larger android.
"She'll get herself killed!" protested Rally.
"And that's what I want to see," agreed Bloodberry.
Nuku Nuku threaded her fingers together and made her best pouty face. "Mr. Robot, I know you're really big and all and can't really help that you smash stuff wherever you go, but there are a lot of people who live in this town, and we'd all really appreciate it if you'd stop destroying our homes and go somewhere else. Pretty please with a yummy fish on top?"
The robot stared at her with its glowing eyes.
Nuku Nuku smiled and batted her eyelids.
The Eva raised a hand, curled its forefinger, and casually flicked Nuku Nuku over the horizon.
Bloodberry shrugged. "Well, that settles it. I'd say we're officially screwed."
"Aha!" shouted Moroboshi, pointing his finger into the heavens. "Men, it's our time to shine! I know we may hate it, but our special attack is lethal and drives the ladies wild at the same time!" He scratched his chin. "On second thought, why was I so opposed to this? LET'S DO IT, MINNA!" He strummed his guitar strings and hummed, charging up the trio's most lethal (and only) attack. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...."
"We'd better move," advised Bloodberry. "I don't know what they're going to do, but I have a feeling we don't want to be in the way of it." She and Rally darted in opposite directions, leaving the Eva alone in the path of the impending strike.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...." the group hummed, Moroboshi and Nuriko dueling to see whose chords could clash most garishly while Genma pounded on every part of the drum set that wasn't meant to be pounded. Suddenly, the "music" reached a crescendo, and they abruptly ended with a resounding "MMMMMMMMM-BOP!" A solid wall of sound exploded outward, knocking down buildings and tearing up the sidewalk in its wake. The Eva fell down as the soundwave breached its barrier, landing on its back. Within seconds, it was getting to its feet again.
"What?" protested Moroboshi. "That attack should have stripped the armor right off that thing! What went wrong?"
"I don't think we were operating at full power," said Nuriko. "We didn't get our full sound."
The two of them glanced down at their instruments, then turned in unison to glare at Genma.
[WHAT?] Genma asked defensively. [I'M LUCKY I CAN HUM.]
Nuriko sighed. "I guess he's got a point."
"Oh, excuse me! I mean, gomen! Oh, I don't know what I mean!" cried a pathetic voice that steadily moved toward them, bumping into everything in its path. Mihoshi arrived on the scene, dragging the unconscious Yakumo on the ground behind her so that his head constantly bounced on the hard pavement as she ran.
"Hey, here comes your boyfriend," murmured Moroboshi. Nuriko's jaw dropped to the ground.
Mihoshi stopped in front of the trio and squealed happily. "Ooh! It's that popular boy band, Handsome! You guys are SOOOOOO sugoi!"
Moroboshi blushed. "Well, we are pretty cool...."
Mihoshi deflated. "Oh. In that case, have you guys seen a giant robot that's destroying the city?"
The three wordlessly pointed up at the Eva that dominated the entire view of what had once been a relatively peaceful and intact city.
Mihoshi dropped Yakumo and turned to face the Eva. "Okay, giant robot! It's time to fight!"
"Are you dense?" asked Moroboshi. "You can't go up against that thing! You'd have to be Superman to stand a chance!"
Mihoshi's eye gleamed. "I may not be Superman, or even Spiderman, but I have a strong heart and the will to succeed! These will be my weapons!" She pointed at the Eva, and a giant stone carved in the shape of the kanji for "heart" landed on it, breaking in two from the impact. "My heart is broken!" whined Mihoshi.
Yakumo woke up just in time to see one of the giant pieces of stone about to land on him. Suddenly, a strong hand yanked him out of the way a split second before the stone hit, leaving a giant crater where he had been. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and sighed. "Arigatou," he said, then caught himself. "Wait... I'm the straight man in this story. Why am I speaking nihon- I mean, Japango?"
"Sekushii nara," replied Nuriko, whirling Yakumo around to face his rescuer. "Now give me a kiss, you hunk of man you."
Yakumo recoiled and pulled back. "Ew! No way! Last time I fell for that one, you turned out to be a man!"
"I still am," said Nuriko. "Is there a problem with that?"
"I don't kiss guys!" shouted Yakumo. "Now let go of me!"
Instead, Nuriko wrapped his arms tightly around Yakumo and squeezed. "Fine! Then I'll settle for a hug!"
"Better watch that, Nuriko," warned Moroboshi. "Don't forget your incredible tsuyosa."
"My incredible WHAT?"
Yakumo gasped. "Can't... breathe! Too... strong!"
"Oh, that." Nuriko reluctantly let go.
"Geez... watch what you're doing next time," wheezed Yakumo as he tried to catch his breath. "I thought I was going to die again."
Mihoshi shook her head disapprovingly. "You really should learn to stop saying that, Yakumo," she admonished him. "You know what's going to happen every time."
"What's going to -" he started to ask before the Eva, bored with being ignored for so long, stomped him into a bloody smear.
Nuriko's face drained of color, and he turned around to vomit.
"Whoa," said Moroboshi. "That's one seriously unlucky guy."
"That does it!" Mihoshi shouted at the Eva. "Nobody makes Yakumo die but ME!" She tore off her jacket and threw it angrily to the ground, only to recover it when she realized that she wasn't wearing anything underneath. She pulled it on, wiping briefly at the bloodstains on the sleeve from Moroboshi's nosebleed, and stared into the Eva's face without a trace of fear. "It's time to use the secret weapon I've been saving for just this moment."
Bloodberry and Rally landed lightly behind her. "You think she's got a plan?" asked Rally.
"Her emotional response suggests that she is in control of the situation," replied Bloodberry.
Mihoshi fanned out the cards in her hand and pulled one out. "Your giant robot is no match for my Blue Eyes White Dragon!" she shouted, slamming the card onto the ground face up and stepping back.
The card sat in the street, inert.
"Well, that's weird," said Mihoshi, scratching her head. "In the commercials, a dragon always came out of it."
"Baka!" snapped Bloodberry. "What do you think this is, an anime?"
"Maybe I'm supposed to sacrifice something weaker in order to play this one," Mihoshi continued obliviously. "Hey, Yakumo, are you alive yet? I need your help here!"
"Forget it," grumbled Yakumo. "I'm not your sacrificial -" Once again, he was cut off as Nuriko scooped him up.
"You're alive! It's a miracle!" cheered Nuriko, squeezing Yakumo so hard that his body instantly broke in two. "Ara...."
"This robot is going to kill us all if we don't do something!" said Rally.
"Then I'll have to resort to my OTHER secret weapon!" said Mihoshi. "Pikachu, I choose you!" She snatched up a Pikachu that was lapping at Yakumo's blood and hurled it at the Eva with all her might.
"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" the Pikachu cried as it flew toward the robot. It smacked into the Eva's chest facefirst and slowly slid down the smooth armor plates.
"Strike two," said Moroboshi.
The Eva casually peeled the Pikachu off its chest and held it up to its face, squinting curiously at the tiny creature. The Pikachu's warped face curled into a cruel grin. "Pika... CHUUUUUUUUUU!" it shouted, zapping the Eva with one point twenty-one gigawatts of electricity. Had the Eva been traveling at exactly 88 miles per hour at the time, that probably would have been the end of it, but as it was standing still, it simply cooked a bit and dropped the Pikachu as it convulsed.
"Wow. That is one dangerous stuffed animal," remarked Moroboshi. The Pikachu shocked him.
Bloodberry's eyes glazed over. "Its shield is down," she reported. "The enemy should now be vulnerable to our attacks."
"I hear you!" shouted Rally. "Let's show this oversized Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot who's boss!" She leapt into the sky and blasted the Eva with her eye lasers. The Eva blocked the beams with its hand and grabbed her in a massive fist.
Rally struggled in vain to escape. "Dame da! It's too strong!"
"Oi!" Moroboshi shouted indignantly at the Eva. "Nobody manhandles Rally Vincent but me!"
Rally craned her neck to glare in the general direction of the van in the street below. "Hey, hakase! I thought these suits were supposed to give us super strength!"
Xellos scratched his chin. "Is that right?" He snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot to include something in the design plans!" he remarked jovially.
"Wonderful," groaned Rally.
Nuriko bravely stepped forward. "If it's super strength you need, then I'm your man!"
"That's a man?" asked Mihoshi.
Nuriko charged at the nearest giant metal foot and wrapped his arms around the toes. With a deep grunt of exertion, he picked the Eva up and hurled it into the sky. "There we go," he announced, wiping his hands in satisfaction. "That should take care of that."
Nuriko's hands stopped in mid-motion. "Oh, yeah. Oops."
Yakumo stared up at the flying Eva, shielding his eyes from the sunlight. "At least that's ONE thing that's not going to kill me anymore."
Suddenly, a tiny object slammed into the flying machine, diverting it from its path to land right on top of Yakumo. The object in question peeled herself off the Eva's head and leapt lightly to the ground. "Wai, that was fun!" she cheered. "Let's do it again!"
"Nuku Nuku, stop that," said Bloodberry. "First, apologize to the man you just killed."
Nuku Nuku solemnly bowed to the fallen Eva. "Sumimasen," she said.
"Shouldn't that be 'namu amida'?" asked Moroboshi.
"No!" snapped Nuriko. "He'll come back to life again! This is just a temporary condition!"
Rally finally forced the downed Eva's fingers open and climbed to the ground. As soon as she was on her feet, she drew a Magnum and leveled it at Mihoshi's head. "Who are you, and what's your connection to this big robot?"
"What big robot?" Mihoshi asked cluelessly.
"The one that just crushed your partner," explained Moroboshi.
"My partner's not crushed!" Mihoshi retorted with a smile. She reached under the Eva and pulled out the completely intact Yakumo. "See?"
"I'm not dead!" moaned Yakumo. "I feel fine! I think I'll go for a walk!"
Rally let the gun fall from her fingers in shock -- which wasn't hard, considering that the fingers in question were still tucked away inside her mitten. "How... how does he keep doing that?"
"It's a secret," said Mihoshi, sticking out her tongue at Rally.
"Hmmm..." Xellos quietly, jovially muttered to himself. "What an interesting girl."
"Come on," said Yakumo, grabbing Mihoshi's hand and pulling her along. "We have to go."
"Wait!" Rally called after them. "One more question!"
Nuriko slapped his hand over her mouth. "Can I at least have your phone number?"
Yakumo raised his middle finger over his shoulder as he walked steadily out of sight.
Nuriko jotted this down in a notebook. "One... okay, what's the next number?"
"He's gone," Moroboshi said dryly.
Nuriko growled and tore the notebook in half. "How could I have let him walk out of my life again? What's that girl got that I don't?"
[MUNE.] said Genma.
"Boobs," translated Moroboshi. "Nice ones, too."
"And what do you call these?" asked Nuriko, fondling his chest demonstratively. His left breast deflated with a sharp hissing sound.
"Balloons," Moroboshi supplied unnecessarily.
Genma held his sides and rolled on the ground, barely able to hold up the sign that said [HA HA HA!]
"Why, you... jerks!" shouted Nuriko, raising his fists.
"Uh, oh," said Moroboshi. "I think he's pretty pissed." He hauled Genma to his feet, and the two of them fled at full speed with Nuriko close behind.
Nuku Nuku turned to Bloodberry. "Oneechan, is Nuku Nuku going to grow big balloons like Nuriko-niisan had?"
Bloodberry patted Nuku Nuku's head affectionately. "No. You're always going to be a flat-chested little brat."
"Come on," urged Rally. "Let's get the heck out of here and change out of these ridiculous costumes."
The androids nodded, and the three women turned on their jetpacks and flew off toward City Hall.
"That was certainly entertaining," Xellos said jovially. "We'll have to do it again sometime." The door of the van slammed closed, and the van took off at illegal, quasi-relativistic speed down the crowded streets of F City.
"Um, hello?" called a voice from deep within the Eva. "Can someone help me? I'm stuck inside this thing! I think I landed on the exit hatch...." Shinji took a deep breath and sighed. "There's only one thing to say in a situation like this....
"Well, I suppose it all worked out in the end," said Sailor Pluto. "And I didn't have to lift a finger this time."
"Indeed it did," agreed Nidoking. He took a sip of his iced tea. "So, wanna go have sex or something?"
She smacked him across the face. "Ecchi! What do you think I am, some cheap prostitute?"
Nidoking shrugged. "I AM the self-insert, after all." He raised his eyebrows teasingly.
Pluto sighed. "Fine," she muttered, pulling her leotard down over her shoulders. "Let's get this over with."
"Hail, Lord Clef!" Mihoshi shouted enthusiastically as she saluted the throne in which Master Mage Clef was seated.
"Um, Mihoshi... he's still a statue," Yakumo reminded her.
"Welcome back, both of you," said Clef's voice from the direction of the throne.
Yakumo lost his balance and fell flat on his face. "Lord Clef! But how...?"
"Just because I'm made of stone doesn't mean that I've lost my magic," replied Clef's voice. "My body can't move, but my spirit isn't bound by the physical world. It can inhabit any body I choose."
Mihoshi patted herself down. "I don't feel a kokoro inside of me."
"Stop that," ordered Clef. "There will be no Japanese used in my presence."
"Hai!" shouted Mihoshi. The floor under her feet vanished, and she plunged into the pit.
"What body have you chosen?" asked Yakumo. "I can't see anyone here."
There was a long pause, its silence broken only by a faint splash from the bottom of the pit.
Finally, Clef spoke again. "Promise you won't laugh."
"I never laugh," said Yakumo. "Dying every few seconds has made me far too depressed to laugh."
"Point noted," said Clef. "Very well. I'm coming out now." A small, round, white creature that resembled a cross between a dog and a snowman, down to the vaguely carrot-shaped nose, stepped out from behind the throne and sat down beside it, staring up at Yakumo with its beady eyes.
Yakumo shivered. "Is... is that...?"
The creature nodded solemnly. "Puun."
Yakumo doubled over with laughter. "THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!"
The creature's eyes darkened. "PUUN." A pit opened under Yakumo, dropping him into the depths that Mihoshi was just climbing out of. Her eyes lit up as they saw the strange creature.
"Oh, it's so cute!" she shouted, leaping across the room to pick it up and cuddle it.
The creature raised a paw to its mouth, and Mihoshi distinctly heard Clef clear his throat. "As you can see, my spirit now resides within Plue. In this way, I can continue to give you instructions for the conquest of F City."
"Puun!" affirmed Plue.
Mihoshi held Plue at arm's length. "Then Lord Clef is actually this little funny thing?"
Plue crossed its arms indignantly.
"I'm just borrowing this body for a while," said Clef. "Once we figure out how to restore my body to normal, Plue will go back to being a normal... whatever it is."
"Then the mission is understood!" cried Mihoshi. "We must immediately restore Lord Clef to his own body so that Plue can become our emergency food supply!"
Plue began to squirm in Mihoshi's arms, trying to escape. "Puun! PUUN!"
"Why on Earth would you want to eat that thing?" Yakumo asked from behind her. "It can't possibly have much meat on it. And it's probably tough as leather, no matter how you cook it."
"I was thinking of shoving a pointy stick through it and making a kebab," announced Mihoshi.
Yakumo nodded. "Yeah, that might work."
Plue leapt out of Mihoshi's arms and speared Yakumo through the forehead with its drill-like nose. "No eating my temporary body!" shouted Clef.
"S-sorry," gurgled Yakumo as he died.
"It's okay, little Plue," Mihoshi whispered reassuringly as she picked Plue up. "Mihoshi's not going to eat you."
"Puun!" cooed Plue.
"I'll have to fatten you up first," Mihoshi continued.



Shinji groaned as he trudged through the familiar countryside that surrounded his home. "I can't believe I was trapped in that thing for five days. I nearly starved to death!" His stomach growled, affirming his statement. "At least I'm almost home. I hope Naru's got plenty of food in the house."
As his house finally came into view, so did a tiny girl running from the same direction with her arms outstretched. "Papa!" she cried, leaping up to hug him.
"Oh, my darling Tomoyo! I missed you so much!" He picked her up and swung her around joyously, then hefted her onto his shoulder and continued on his way. "Is Mama home?" he asked.
"She is," replied Tomoyo. "And she has been waiting for you."
"I'm sure she has," said Shinji as he stepped onto his own property, ignoring the nameplate. "I'm sorry it took me so long to get home, but -"
"Mama!" Tomoyo called out as the door opened. "New Papa! Look! Old Papa's come home!"
"'Old Papa?'" repeated Shinji as his wife stepped into the doorway, along with another man.
Naru put her fists on her hips. "There you are, you disgraceful excuse for a man! Where the hell have you been?"
"I got trapped inside a walking death machine! I'm lucky to be alive!" ... is what Shinji wanted to say. As usual, all that he got out was "Sorry."
An elbow came to rest on the doorframe just above Naru's head. "What a loser," said the man it belonged to. "Your babe's lucky I came along to keep her sexed up while you were away."
"New Papa!" shouted Tomoyo excitedly, as she leapt off Shinji's shoulder and ran to hug her stepfather's leg.
Shinji gasped at the sight of the interloper's bleached hair and torn jeans. "Ei-Eikichi Onizuka?"
"I fell in love with him when he taught my calculus class in high school," said Naru, caressing Onizuka's chest. "When you didn't come back, we decided to consummate our love."
"Mama and New Papa sleep in the same bed and make funny noises all night," said Tomoyo.
"How can this be?" asked Shinji.
"You're a loser," Naru said coldly.
"Can't imagine how you managed to snag a piece of ass like Naru in the first place," added Onizuka.
"New Papa's so much fun," agreed Tomoyo. "He doesn't even cry all night!"
Shinji grabbed the sides of his head and pulled his hair. Throwing his head back to the heavens, he shouted, "Woe is me! After only five days, another man has stolen my family! And I'm so spineless, I can't fight back! Predictably, NO!"


MIHOSHI: Well, I hope you all enjoyed the first episode of Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z! ... I mean it! I really hope you enjoyed it, because if you didn't, then Nidoking might stop writing it altogether, and then I'd cry!
NIDOKING: You can't cry if I don't write you crying.
MIHOSHI: (cries)
NIDOKING: Just introduce the next episode. Then I'll have to write it, won't I?
MIHOSHI: (sniffles) Really?
NIDOKING: Yeah, sure. Let me just go hide "DVD 2" of Elf Princess Rane, Dragon Half, and Princess Rouge.
MIHOSHI: (perks up) Okay! In the next episode, we'll be bringing back some of the minor characters from Excel Saga to replace them with even more obscure characters from other anime series! We'll also be introducing a new character who doesn't correspond to anyone in the original series!
NIDOKING: We're a progressive story!
MIHOSHI: And there will be a big mystery to solve, too! So don't miss it!
NIDOKING: Or I'll make Mihoshi do something a lot worse than crying.
MIHOSHI: Quack Experimental Fanfic Excel Fusion Z Episode 2: The Plot Is On My Foot!


Pop-under notes: Similar to the pop-up notes on the Excel Saga DVDs, but not as intrusive and conveniently located at the end of the fic. Take all the time you want to read them; they won't disappear after one frame. These notes will explain the characters, Japanese puns, and Rane-speak to whatever degree I understand them, in order of their named introduction to the story.

Koshi Rikdo: The original author of Excel Saga, and a recurring character in the Excel anime. His main role is to give permission to the anime producers to take whatever direction they want with the anime, even if it completely goes against the intention of the original story.

D.B. Sommer: Author of The Replacement Excels, the story that inspired this piece of gar- er, prose.

Nidoking: The author of this piece of gar- oh, wait. I did that one already. I'm standing in for Nabeshin, the avatar of Shinichi Watanabe, who directed the Excel anime. He's a natural at self-insertion. I, on the other hand....

Pikachu: The most well-known of all the Pokemon, by far. It's a little yellow rat with a lightning-bolt shaped tail that shoots electricity far beyond the capacity that any Pokemon should be able to achieve. That's because of its highly revered status as a plot device. It can even destroy opponents that are immune to electricity. It also seems to like ketchup. I don't rightly know its stance on cheese, but it is a rodent.

Z: No, there are no DBZ references in this fic (unless you count the MMM-BOP attack). I'm saving that for later, possibly.

Mihoshi: The ditzy blonde Galaxy Policewoman in the various Tenchi Muyo! series. I think I managed to blend her personality with Excel's pretty well. The only distinctly Excel traits she has are the bad puns and the incredible hyperactivity. The rest is pretty much your standard Mihoshi.

Yakumo: The main character of 3x3 Eyes. He got in a soon-to-be-fatal accident and was saved by the girl he was with at the time, a member of the Sanjiyan tribe who turned Yakumo into a Wu. Basically, as long as she's alive, he'll remain alive, even if he dies. This of course precipitates a series of very messy deaths from which Yakumo inevitably recovers unscathed. This is about the only trait he shares with Hyatt, but he makes a great straight man. (Oddly enough, Nuriko does too.)

Master Mage Clef: This guy brought the main characters of Magic Knight Rayearth into Cephiro, only to get turned to stone before he could do much to help them. Fortunately, he downloaded his soul into Mokona, the little fluffball who follows the Knights around and occasionally does something useful. Mokona was a self-insertion in the MKR manga, but in the anime, it's less powerful than Kirby (the non- SSB Kirby).

Sailor Pluto: In case you can't tell from the name, she's from Sailor Moon. Namely, she's the Guardian of Time, which makes her a natural choice for the Great Will of the Macrocosm. Whether she'll fall in love with Shinji and merge with Naru remains to be seen. Merging with Shinji and falling for Naru will be exclusive to the yuri version, distributed only to paying subscribers. *

Magic/Paralysis: The Japanese word for magic is "mahou", while paralysis is "mahi". Clef's subsequent comment no longer has the same clout, does it?

Magic Thermos: Thermos is "mahoubin", which is incidentally the same "mahou" that means magic. Guess there's a country out there that needs to study more thermodynamics.

Dissolving the metal and declaring war on my muscles: Respectively, "kinzoku wo kaisan suru" and "kin'niku ni kaisen suru". Awful, I know, but this is what comes of writing puns in a language you don't speak natively. At least it's no worse than most of the puns in the actual show.

Shampoo, Mousse, Ryoga: Names of Ranma 1/2 characters.

Map/cheese: "Chizu" and "chiizu", naturally.

Statue/elephant: Both of these are "zou" in Japanese. Different kanji, obviously.

This time, I'm confused: "Kondo ha kondou."

I'm so confused, I forgot the tomatoes: "Tomadowasereta kara, tomato wasureta." Amazing, isn't it?

Dick Saucer: The idol guitarist/dragon hunter from Dragon Half. Not too bright... he once drank a bottle of "energy drink" from the hands of the very dragon he wanted to slay. Neither one of them knew it was a laxative....

Saucer/Police Investigation: Police investigation is "sousa", while Saucer's name is pronounced "sousaa". It's a stretch, I know.

FLCL: I couldn't watch more than two episodes of this series. Even if I could, I'm not sure I would, although it was intriguing. Best known for a main character from whose forehead robots frequently emerge. The female lead beats them to death with a guitar, leading to Mihoshi's reference.

Bloodberry: The most mature of the three marionettes belonging to Otaru in Saber Marionette J. Nicely filled out, and very desirable among fanboys, making her a natural choice to replace the elder Ropponmatsu.

Rally Vincent: The elder of the Gun Smith Cats. Handy with weapons, obviously, so she makes a much less accessible Misaki... probably a better one than the real Misaki, actually.

Ataru Moroboshi: The main character of Urusei Yatsura, and probably the template for Happosai. 'Nuff said? He's also "very unlucky" according to the elderly priest Cherry, which makes his comment with regard to Yakumo all the more ironic. His perverted attraction to the females is about the only thing likening him to Iwata, but his reason for despising Nuku Nuku is totally different.

Nuku Nuku: The titular (in both senses) character in All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku. (Try saying that five times fast! Okay, it's not that hard.) She seems to have developed most of Ropponmatsu 2's personality, since there wasn't much that stood out about Nuku Nuku besides her incredible fighting ability and devotion to her family.

Nuriko: One of the Suzaku Seven Warriors in Fushigi Yuugi. I've now officially spoiled the fact that he's really a man. But that's not really important after the first few episodes. What would REALLY be a spoiler is if I told you that he - DELETED! The only reason I chose Nuriko for Watanabe is that I needed someone who would be attracted to Yakumo, and refused to use Hanagata. (Besides, I already have Bloodberry.) He also happens to be incredibly strong.

Genma: The famous man-turned-panda in Ranma 1/2. Apparently, he can't change back in QEFEFZ, but his signs are the perfect parallel to Sumiyoshi's text speech.

Xellos: The mischievous priest in Slayers. "That... is a secret!" is his catchphrase, and yes, he is as jovial as I've portrayed him here. He also makes more than enough trouble to keep the City Defenders busy.

Faye Valentine: The only woman in all of anime who could possibly stand up to Xellos as a secretary. She's got the perfect poker face for the role, even counting all the times she lost it in her own series. She's also damn hot. ^_^

Koji Mori: A pedophile from I, My, Me, Strawberry Eggs. He loves those junior high girls' uniforms, particularly the gym shorts. The mirror with trademark attack and "seishun" (youth) line are the same. He certainly wasn't a scientist, though, and usually skipped his job to watch the girls at gym.

"Ano baka na hakase ha seiji no koto, zenzen shiranai hazu da na!": "That idiot chief doesn't know the first thing about government!" Who knows whether Xellos actually understood it or not?

Gomen/Gouman: Respectively "sorry" (which I'm sure everyone already knew) and "arrogant" (which you know now). So watch your syllables when apologizing.

Danger/Fried bean curd: "Abunai" and "aburage". Maybe they get better later on.

Descartes: The French philosopher who said "I think, therefore I am." The inverse is not necessarily true, but makes for a good punchline to an admittedly old joke.

MY SHOES: Interestingly enough, an English line from the Excel anime that just got stuck in my head. Out, out, damned line! (Why is my language so much worse in the notes?)

Shinji Ikari: The pilot of Evangelion Unit 01 in Neon Genesis Evangelion. He's a spineless wimp who's about as much of a crybaby as he's portrayed here. Still not quite as much as Pedro... yet.

"Push the button": A Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference. Since Rikdo caught it, he's obviously the dubbed, U.S. culturally-savvy Ridko.

Shinderu: Means "dead", in case anyone missed that one. It is a bit of an advanced term, I admit.

Puddles of orange goo: Don't ask me. Watch End of Evangelion, of find someone who has and thinks they're qualified to explain it. I'm still trying to forget I ever watched it.

Koryu: A demon from Wish. He's more mischievous than evil, but that's not because he doesn't try. It's probably because there are so many people, including his own mentor, working against his whims. He takes this miniature form during the day, but at night, he's the size of a full-grown man.

Rane: The titular (again, in both senses) elf/fairy princess of Elf Princess Rane. The language barrier prevents Go from understanding her, but as far as I can tell, her words are only a little bit off... in a way that makes her sentences completely different. What she tries to say is "Stay here. You have to fight the giant robot! The city is depending on you!""Truly, nobody understands me.""You're not a bad person."/"Fight!"

"This is a war... even though I don't like it....": An attack phrase from Super Robot War Alpha. I heard it from someone who probably doesn't think I was paying attention. ^_^

The lightsaber: Yes, the progressive knife has become a Star Wars lightsaber. Use the force, Shinji.

Copy/coffee: Work it out for yourself.

"Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!": In the original Metal Gear, you had to ride in trucks to get from place to place. After a while, it becomes second nature, but the character still seems just as illiterately surprised. Maybe it's not as bad as "I feel asleep!" though.

Powerbar Girls: These are actually the Powerpuff Girls from Cartoon Network. I might have actually used the cast of A-Ko, if I could remember a thing about them other than that C-Ko was a bad cook, A-Ko had some kind of super powers (she's rumored to be the daughter of Superman himself), and B-Ko was a decent martial artist. Hm....

Hanson: Yes, the boy trio who sang Mmm-Bop. It sounds like the name of an energy attack, doesn't it? Well, maybe only after you've read my drivel.

ACCESS DENIED: The hexagons are the actual manifestation of the AT Field, but the message in them is from Lawnmower Man. Highly recommended, if you haven't seen it. But don't watch the sequel, whatever you do.

Blue Eyes White Dragon: One of the most powerful Duel Monsters cards in the early part of Yu-Gi-Oh. There are only four of them in existence, or so it's said. After a few story arcs, it's a mid-range player, sort of like Tien Shinhan in DBZ.

1.21 "jigawatts" of electricity + 88 miles per hour = time travel: You guessed it. Back to the Future.

"I'm not dead!": Just watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Just watch it. Now.

Plue: The keeper of Rave in Rave Master. It doesn't seem to do very much, but then I've only read three volumes. Plue seems to be able to rescue the main characters, Roger Rabbit style, only when it's funny.

Tomoyo: The best friend of Card Captor Sakura. Incredibly huggably cute and far less naive than she rightfully should be. She also has a respectful bluntness when she needs it, like bashing Li over the head (not physically) to get him to realize how he feels about Sakura. It works for the "New Papa" lines.

Naru: Love Hina is one of those interesting harem stories for two reasons. First, despite the relative eligibility of most of the girls in the series, Naru is the quite obvious primary love interest. She's bossy, pounds Keitaro constantly, and always ends up in compromising positions that lead to revelations of ever more of her body and subsequent Keitaro poundings. Don't know if she'd be likely to leave her husband just because he's a loser, but then she wouldn't marry Shinji in the first place. The other reason is that every time I try to type Love Hina, I end up typing Lova Hina and have to go back and fix it.

Eikichi Onizuka: The titular (in one sense only) character in Great Teacher Onizuka. He's got a soft spot for high school girls, and Naru only graduated recently. He's an ex-biker turned teacher, but hasn't completely eliminated the biker from his resume.

* There's actually no way to pay for a subscription. You just have to be really nice to me.
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