Categories > Anime/Manga > Gundam Wing
A/N: I don’t own Gundam Wing.
/Lost/
It was 3am and Heero was knocking on my door. Not a light rapping because it was the middle of the night and he was trying to be considerate of the other tenants in my building. Nope, it was a full on rattle the doorjamb pounding.
“I’m coming!” I didn’t try to hide the irritation in my voice as I wrapped a blanket around myself and stomped towards the door. The neighbors were going to kill me. “Jesus Christ, Heero!” I snapped as I swung the door open, knowing it was him before I saw him standing there dripping on the mat. His clothes were soaking wet and his hair was hanging in his face in messy clumps. “I don’t think you managed to wake up Mrs. Oliver in 6, she’s a little hard of hearing so maybe next time you could just bang on her door a couple of times for good measure before you get here.”
I couldn’t help the angry and sarcastic edge to my voice. This was the third time this month that Heero had kept me from sleep, and it was really starting to grate on me. He wasn’t drunk; he never was when he showed up like this. It would almost be easier if he /were/, a slobbering drunk would be easier to understand than this lost creature in my entryway. He didn’t say anything to me as he stepped inside, his arms wrapped around himself as he tried to stop shivering from cold.
“When did it start raining?” I asked him, not expecting an answer and not getting one as I took the blanket from around my shoulders and wrapped it around his instead. I was suddenly too tired to be angry. “Come to the kitchen, I’ll make you some tea.”
As my anger ebbed away, I couldn’t help feeling … sorry for him. No, sorry was the wrong word; I didn’t feel sorry for him, sympathetic maybe? Empathetic? I didn’t know, but I knew I didn’t pity him, never have, because I knew where he was coming from. I just wished he could learn to express himself better than these middle of the night invasions of my privacy. He doesn’t want to share my life, come over and have dinner, maybe watch a movie … oh no, he just wants to come in when it’s convenient. Convenient for him anyway.
I filled the kettle and set it on a flame, like I always did, aware that Heero had come into the room behind me and was sitting down at the table. I could hear his teeth chattering as I got two mugs out of the cabinet and set them on the counter. “You should probably get out of those wet clothes. You can grab a pair of my sweats if you want, and get a dry blanket out of the hall closet.” I didn’t bother turning around as I talked to him, instead I reached for the tea canister, pulled out two teabags and dropped them into the waiting mugs. By the time I turned and looked for him, he’d gone and I could hear the click of the bathroom door closing.
I was just starting to pour boiling water over the teabags when he came back in, his hair obviously toweled off in wet disarray. He was wearing my grey sweats with a bright red fleece blanket wrapped around his bare chest, and I tried not to focus on the skin peeking through the gaps and remember why he was here. I forced my eyes to his face, and his lips still looked slightly blue, but his teeth had stopped chattering. He always looked at me with such intensity, like he was trying to figure out exactly what made me tick, which was ridiculous because all he had to do was ask. He stood there and waited for me to return the kettle to the stove before opening the blanket and pulling me inside. The thought of resisting had crossed my mind for a moment, but I dismissed it just as quickly and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“You’ve got to stop doing this.” I murmured against his neck, letting my eyes close in resignation. I wasn’t quite sure to what I was referring – his middle of the night wanderings in the cold rain, or his appearances at my door. I could still feel him shivering slightly. He must’ve been out in the cold rain an awful long time to be this chilled – Heero’s the kind of guy who runs hot and will always kick off the blankets, even if it’s freezing. “I do have a phone you know?”
I could feel him nod slightly against my head, his arms wrapping tighter around me, and I suddenly felt guilty for being angry. No one could understand what he goes though like I could … well, the other three could possibly understand, but they’re not here right now – not like I am anyway – it’s just not the same. I’m all that Heero has, and the street goes both ways only I don’t usually show up pounding on his door unannounced at 3am.
“Come on.” I whispered, pulling away and giving him a tired smile. “Let’s take our tea and curl up on the couch.”
My bare skin erupted in goose bumps at the loss of Heero’s body heat as I turned to grab the mugs and ushered him towards the living room. He sat on the end of the couch, stretching out and spreading his legs so I could sit between them. I rested the mugs on the coffee table within easy reach, and took up my spot, pulling the blanket folded on the back of the couch over us. Leaning over, I handed Heero a mug before taking my own and settling back against his chest.
“So … how’s work been?” It had only been two days since I’d seen Heero last, but I wasn’t quite sure where to start, not knowing from where this current bout of near delusional insomnia had sprouted. I took a sip of my tea and closed my eyes as he slid his arm around my waist. I could feel him shrug slightly and I sighed to show my irritation. “Talk.”
“Fine.” I didn’t even think he’d registered the question when his mouth was providing the answer. He wasn’t fine – I knew that, he knew that, yet it was the answer he always gave me. Instead of saying more, I heard him set his tea back on the table. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. It’s like I’m some giant fucking teddy bear, and although I should mind – I should mind a lot – I don’t.
I touched his arms with my hand, idly running my fingers through the hair. “Really?” I closed my eyes, suddenly exhausted. “If everything’s fine, why do I keep finding you here?”
“You don’t want me here?” His voice was low, and I could almost feel it more than hear it rumbling through his chest.
“That’s not it and you know it.” I sighed, reaching up with my free hand and touching his face. I could feel more than a days worth of stubble gracing his cheek, and realized how ‘not fine’ he was. “Why don’t you just stay? Stay with me, and maybe it won’t be this bad for you…”
Like I’d said, it’s not like I didn’t know what he was going through. We all lived in the shadows of our pasts. I’d been with him when he’d woken up screaming, clutching the sheets and trying to hide the tears running down his face. I knew the screams because they mirrored mine. We owned our histories together, and maybe that’s why it’s so hard, why neither of us can let go. We cling to each other because we’ve shared the horror, but being together only perpetuates the memory. It’s a vicious cycle … a weakness.
He doesn’t answer me, he never does when I bring it up – I’ve been trying to get him to move in with me for far too long. Maybe he’s more aware of the repercussions of our actions – he’s the one with both feet planted firmly in reality after all, which is ironic seeing he’s the one who’d been wandering in the rain all night. Instead he presses his lips to the side of my neck and I think I know his answer, but he surprises me this time when he starts to speak.
“Nothing will get better if I just drag you down with me. I can’t get my head straight and I don’t … I can’t expect you to do it for me.” He took a deep breath, the hot exhalation against my ear making me shiver. “My entire life has been a mindfuck, Duo. I hear the voices in my head, and try to find an outlet, but there is none – not for what I’ve been trained to do. I don’t know how to make it stop. You don’t know how to make it stop either. I hate myself every time I find myself here, dragging you down, but I don’t know where else to go.”
“Heero-” My voice cracked, and I had no idea I was so close to bawling my eyes out until I’d opened my mouth. I took a deep breath and tried again, the words crowded tight in my chest. “I don’t want you to be anywhere else.”
“I know.” He kissed my neck again, and I couldn’t help but feeling like he’d finally made some monumental decision, a decision that I couldn’t even remotely fathom. I sat up and turned to face him, setting my tea on the coffee table. Before I could utter a single syllable his lips were on mine.
He’s the one man who truly knows how to silence me.
I have no recollection of the journey from the living room to my bedroom, but our clothes marked the trail like some twisted set of breadcrumbs in a fairy tale. The blankets, his sweats … everything discarded before we even touched the bed. The man has issues, but I failed to mention he has skills too – skills enough to creatively avoid my questions and my arguments.
I should’ve realized what was happening then, how different it all was, but my judgment was so clouded by desire that there was no way I could be aware. If I’d been thinking clearly I would’ve noticed the level of desperation in the man, and the almost violent power of our lovemaking. It was … it was indescribable.
I wish I could sugar coat it for myself, and convince myself to remember him slipping away as I slept, maybe leaving a note behind … but that wasn’t the case. Instead we clung to each other in the pre-dawn light filtering through my window and listened to each other breathe, neither of us wanting to break the sanctity of the silence, knowing what was to come. Heero was full of surprises, being the first to speak and end the temporary peace.
“I have to go.”
“You always do.” I mutter against his chest, listening as his heart rate sped up slightly.
“Duo, please, don’t make me … please, this once don’t act dense.” I don’t think I’d ever heard Heero this close to pleading, and it had hurt.
“Don’t …” Don’t what? I had no idea what I was asking. Don’t leave? Don’t do this to me? What right did I have to ask him to do anything for me? My brain was franticly trying to puzzle out a way to make this nightmare end, but I knew it was futile. “Will you come back?”
Heero was quiet for a long time, running his fingertips over my back. I knew in my heart he was trying to give me an answer when he didn’t remotely have one. “I’ll try.”
I nodded, my throat aching suddenly. It was more than I could ask for really, more than I could expect. “Just… stay a little longer…” I tilted my face up and kissed him, wanting the night to last forever, but willing to take whatever moments I could – moments that would have to keep me sated for who knew how long.
If our first bout of lovemaking had been the most powerful we’d ever shared, our second was the most poignant. As the sun rose higher in the sky, we reached a level of closeness we’d never achieved before. Our bodies spoke words that our mouths couldn’t utter, and we accepted what we had to offer each other. Heero would go and I would stay and try to understand why. If only I could believe that this was some twisted beginning when my heart felt like we’d reached the end …
I had to believe.
Lonely As You, Foo Fighters
What would I do
Lonely as you
Pleasure or pain
I can't choose
What would I do
Lonely as you
Pleasure or pain
I can't choose
Wake up
You're dreaming
I can't stand your screaming
Drowning out these prayers
Just some words without meaning
Spare all the preaching
My secrets worth keeping
No one understands like I do
Keep out of reach
I'm your leading deletion
Hide behind these masks
Though they still see right through them
Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again [x3]
But I'm down with you
One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe
Blame it on youth all these years I've been losing
Blame it on the past, it's the last place I knew you
Blame all the children, their raging and ruin
Blame it on the black and the blue
Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again [x3]
But I'm down with you
One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe
Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again [x3]
But I'm down with you
One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe
/Lost/
It was 3am and Heero was knocking on my door. Not a light rapping because it was the middle of the night and he was trying to be considerate of the other tenants in my building. Nope, it was a full on rattle the doorjamb pounding.
“I’m coming!” I didn’t try to hide the irritation in my voice as I wrapped a blanket around myself and stomped towards the door. The neighbors were going to kill me. “Jesus Christ, Heero!” I snapped as I swung the door open, knowing it was him before I saw him standing there dripping on the mat. His clothes were soaking wet and his hair was hanging in his face in messy clumps. “I don’t think you managed to wake up Mrs. Oliver in 6, she’s a little hard of hearing so maybe next time you could just bang on her door a couple of times for good measure before you get here.”
I couldn’t help the angry and sarcastic edge to my voice. This was the third time this month that Heero had kept me from sleep, and it was really starting to grate on me. He wasn’t drunk; he never was when he showed up like this. It would almost be easier if he /were/, a slobbering drunk would be easier to understand than this lost creature in my entryway. He didn’t say anything to me as he stepped inside, his arms wrapped around himself as he tried to stop shivering from cold.
“When did it start raining?” I asked him, not expecting an answer and not getting one as I took the blanket from around my shoulders and wrapped it around his instead. I was suddenly too tired to be angry. “Come to the kitchen, I’ll make you some tea.”
As my anger ebbed away, I couldn’t help feeling … sorry for him. No, sorry was the wrong word; I didn’t feel sorry for him, sympathetic maybe? Empathetic? I didn’t know, but I knew I didn’t pity him, never have, because I knew where he was coming from. I just wished he could learn to express himself better than these middle of the night invasions of my privacy. He doesn’t want to share my life, come over and have dinner, maybe watch a movie … oh no, he just wants to come in when it’s convenient. Convenient for him anyway.
I filled the kettle and set it on a flame, like I always did, aware that Heero had come into the room behind me and was sitting down at the table. I could hear his teeth chattering as I got two mugs out of the cabinet and set them on the counter. “You should probably get out of those wet clothes. You can grab a pair of my sweats if you want, and get a dry blanket out of the hall closet.” I didn’t bother turning around as I talked to him, instead I reached for the tea canister, pulled out two teabags and dropped them into the waiting mugs. By the time I turned and looked for him, he’d gone and I could hear the click of the bathroom door closing.
I was just starting to pour boiling water over the teabags when he came back in, his hair obviously toweled off in wet disarray. He was wearing my grey sweats with a bright red fleece blanket wrapped around his bare chest, and I tried not to focus on the skin peeking through the gaps and remember why he was here. I forced my eyes to his face, and his lips still looked slightly blue, but his teeth had stopped chattering. He always looked at me with such intensity, like he was trying to figure out exactly what made me tick, which was ridiculous because all he had to do was ask. He stood there and waited for me to return the kettle to the stove before opening the blanket and pulling me inside. The thought of resisting had crossed my mind for a moment, but I dismissed it just as quickly and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“You’ve got to stop doing this.” I murmured against his neck, letting my eyes close in resignation. I wasn’t quite sure to what I was referring – his middle of the night wanderings in the cold rain, or his appearances at my door. I could still feel him shivering slightly. He must’ve been out in the cold rain an awful long time to be this chilled – Heero’s the kind of guy who runs hot and will always kick off the blankets, even if it’s freezing. “I do have a phone you know?”
I could feel him nod slightly against my head, his arms wrapping tighter around me, and I suddenly felt guilty for being angry. No one could understand what he goes though like I could … well, the other three could possibly understand, but they’re not here right now – not like I am anyway – it’s just not the same. I’m all that Heero has, and the street goes both ways only I don’t usually show up pounding on his door unannounced at 3am.
“Come on.” I whispered, pulling away and giving him a tired smile. “Let’s take our tea and curl up on the couch.”
My bare skin erupted in goose bumps at the loss of Heero’s body heat as I turned to grab the mugs and ushered him towards the living room. He sat on the end of the couch, stretching out and spreading his legs so I could sit between them. I rested the mugs on the coffee table within easy reach, and took up my spot, pulling the blanket folded on the back of the couch over us. Leaning over, I handed Heero a mug before taking my own and settling back against his chest.
“So … how’s work been?” It had only been two days since I’d seen Heero last, but I wasn’t quite sure where to start, not knowing from where this current bout of near delusional insomnia had sprouted. I took a sip of my tea and closed my eyes as he slid his arm around my waist. I could feel him shrug slightly and I sighed to show my irritation. “Talk.”
“Fine.” I didn’t even think he’d registered the question when his mouth was providing the answer. He wasn’t fine – I knew that, he knew that, yet it was the answer he always gave me. Instead of saying more, I heard him set his tea back on the table. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. It’s like I’m some giant fucking teddy bear, and although I should mind – I should mind a lot – I don’t.
I touched his arms with my hand, idly running my fingers through the hair. “Really?” I closed my eyes, suddenly exhausted. “If everything’s fine, why do I keep finding you here?”
“You don’t want me here?” His voice was low, and I could almost feel it more than hear it rumbling through his chest.
“That’s not it and you know it.” I sighed, reaching up with my free hand and touching his face. I could feel more than a days worth of stubble gracing his cheek, and realized how ‘not fine’ he was. “Why don’t you just stay? Stay with me, and maybe it won’t be this bad for you…”
Like I’d said, it’s not like I didn’t know what he was going through. We all lived in the shadows of our pasts. I’d been with him when he’d woken up screaming, clutching the sheets and trying to hide the tears running down his face. I knew the screams because they mirrored mine. We owned our histories together, and maybe that’s why it’s so hard, why neither of us can let go. We cling to each other because we’ve shared the horror, but being together only perpetuates the memory. It’s a vicious cycle … a weakness.
He doesn’t answer me, he never does when I bring it up – I’ve been trying to get him to move in with me for far too long. Maybe he’s more aware of the repercussions of our actions – he’s the one with both feet planted firmly in reality after all, which is ironic seeing he’s the one who’d been wandering in the rain all night. Instead he presses his lips to the side of my neck and I think I know his answer, but he surprises me this time when he starts to speak.
“Nothing will get better if I just drag you down with me. I can’t get my head straight and I don’t … I can’t expect you to do it for me.” He took a deep breath, the hot exhalation against my ear making me shiver. “My entire life has been a mindfuck, Duo. I hear the voices in my head, and try to find an outlet, but there is none – not for what I’ve been trained to do. I don’t know how to make it stop. You don’t know how to make it stop either. I hate myself every time I find myself here, dragging you down, but I don’t know where else to go.”
“Heero-” My voice cracked, and I had no idea I was so close to bawling my eyes out until I’d opened my mouth. I took a deep breath and tried again, the words crowded tight in my chest. “I don’t want you to be anywhere else.”
“I know.” He kissed my neck again, and I couldn’t help but feeling like he’d finally made some monumental decision, a decision that I couldn’t even remotely fathom. I sat up and turned to face him, setting my tea on the coffee table. Before I could utter a single syllable his lips were on mine.
He’s the one man who truly knows how to silence me.
I have no recollection of the journey from the living room to my bedroom, but our clothes marked the trail like some twisted set of breadcrumbs in a fairy tale. The blankets, his sweats … everything discarded before we even touched the bed. The man has issues, but I failed to mention he has skills too – skills enough to creatively avoid my questions and my arguments.
I should’ve realized what was happening then, how different it all was, but my judgment was so clouded by desire that there was no way I could be aware. If I’d been thinking clearly I would’ve noticed the level of desperation in the man, and the almost violent power of our lovemaking. It was … it was indescribable.
I wish I could sugar coat it for myself, and convince myself to remember him slipping away as I slept, maybe leaving a note behind … but that wasn’t the case. Instead we clung to each other in the pre-dawn light filtering through my window and listened to each other breathe, neither of us wanting to break the sanctity of the silence, knowing what was to come. Heero was full of surprises, being the first to speak and end the temporary peace.
“I have to go.”
“You always do.” I mutter against his chest, listening as his heart rate sped up slightly.
“Duo, please, don’t make me … please, this once don’t act dense.” I don’t think I’d ever heard Heero this close to pleading, and it had hurt.
“Don’t …” Don’t what? I had no idea what I was asking. Don’t leave? Don’t do this to me? What right did I have to ask him to do anything for me? My brain was franticly trying to puzzle out a way to make this nightmare end, but I knew it was futile. “Will you come back?”
Heero was quiet for a long time, running his fingertips over my back. I knew in my heart he was trying to give me an answer when he didn’t remotely have one. “I’ll try.”
I nodded, my throat aching suddenly. It was more than I could ask for really, more than I could expect. “Just… stay a little longer…” I tilted my face up and kissed him, wanting the night to last forever, but willing to take whatever moments I could – moments that would have to keep me sated for who knew how long.
If our first bout of lovemaking had been the most powerful we’d ever shared, our second was the most poignant. As the sun rose higher in the sky, we reached a level of closeness we’d never achieved before. Our bodies spoke words that our mouths couldn’t utter, and we accepted what we had to offer each other. Heero would go and I would stay and try to understand why. If only I could believe that this was some twisted beginning when my heart felt like we’d reached the end …
I had to believe.
Lonely As You, Foo Fighters
What would I do
Lonely as you
Pleasure or pain
I can't choose
What would I do
Lonely as you
Pleasure or pain
I can't choose
Wake up
You're dreaming
I can't stand your screaming
Drowning out these prayers
Just some words without meaning
Spare all the preaching
My secrets worth keeping
No one understands like I do
Keep out of reach
I'm your leading deletion
Hide behind these masks
Though they still see right through them
Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again [x3]
But I'm down with you
One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe
Blame it on youth all these years I've been losing
Blame it on the past, it's the last place I knew you
Blame all the children, their raging and ruin
Blame it on the black and the blue
Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again [x3]
But I'm down with you
One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe
Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again [x3]
But I'm down with you
One more time for the last time
One more time for release
One more time for the last time
Everyone wants to believe
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