Categories > Games > Final Fantasy 7

Reno's List of Handy Sex Tips

by Badger 2 reviews

Silliness, smut and innuendo. Not necessarily in that order.

Category: Final Fantasy 7 - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody,Romance - Characters: Reno,Rude - Warnings: [!] [X] - Published: 2007-10-11 - Updated: 2007-10-12 - 481 words - Complete

1. Contrary to popular rumor, the doors to the supply closets in the Shinra Building do NOT lock. If you absolutely can't wait, choose another venue, like an empty office.

2. Be aware that not all the empty offices have doors that lock either.
Making a list of ones that do is advisable.

3. While handcuffing your partner to his desk chair is all sorts of fun, it's suggested you confine it to the privacy of your own apartment.

4. The same goes for gagging him with your necktie.

5. Rude and my's offices is one which doesn't have a locking door. I don't think Tseng bought the claim we were 'practicing interrogation techniques.'

6. In the future, push Rude's desk in front of the door before practicing interrogation techniques

7. Helicopter sex, while highly stimulating, should not be attempted when you're actually flying said helicopter. We managed to land safely but, as Rude pointed out there's the very real possibility we could’ve ended up dead.

8. And you can guarantee Tseng would take the cost of replacing the helicopter out of our final pay checks.

9. In the future, helicopter sex will take place in grounded helicopters only. Of course, your chances of getting caught increase, but that just makes it more of a challenge.

10. Shinra Incorporated does not have 'casual days.' If you show up for work wearing leather pants and a wife beater with holes in it, you will be sent home to change.

11. Using the surveillance system to spy on others is frowned upon. However, it did provide valuable information for future blackmail of Tseng. Given what's going on in Rufus's office, he's a fine one to talk about decorum.

12. Rude has just pointed out that (1) Rufus's office door locks and (2) The people in question are our employer and our direct supervisor. This effectively rules out blackmail, but I still say there's nothing wrong with keeping the tapes for private use.

13. Shower sex, while it looks really hot in porn videos, is a lot more difficult to pull off in real life. Especially when certain people drop the soap and forget to tell their partner. Thankfully, the cast will come off in a couple of weeks. But it still itches like a sonofabitch.

14. The pain and itching is slightly offset by the fact that Rude feels really really guilty about what happened and has pretty much given me free rein to do what I want.

15. He has since amended that statement to include the phrase 'within reason.'

16. It probably doesn't help that I hinted at inviting Tseng and Rufus over for a foursome.

17. He has, however, agreed to watch the surveilance tapes with me.

18. Sex is an excellent painkiller (something about endorphins being released in the system). It also distracts me from the itching.

19. Rude says it's going to be a long couple of weeks. He doesn't know the half of it.
Sign up to rate and review this story