Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Payback's A Bitch
Payback's A Bitch
A/N. This story will feature a grey Harry who doesn't make the same idiotic choices JKR reckons he would have. Don't expect canon personalities, alignments, pairings and most of Deathly Hollows will be ignored. If you have to ask why DH is being ignored, don't bother reading this story, you won't like it. The story begins on the first day of the summer holidays after Harry's fourth year.
Warning: - This story will be as politically correct as the movie Borat. There will be swearing, extreme violence, explicit sex scenes, child abuse and other disturbing behaviour.
Disclaimer: - I don't own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. If I did, Fred would have lived and Delores would be dead.
Thank you to my betas - Claire, Adam, Nick and Reyad. Without your input this would be utter rubbish.
Chapter 1 - Flying the Coup
Saturday, June 30
It was a bright, warm afternoon in sunny old England. Birds were singing, children were laughing and adults were enjoying the best day of the weekend. On this glorious day, we find our hero sitting in a car, winding its way along the highways. The car was a bright silver Jaguar and kept in impeccable condition, mostly thanks to our hero.
The man in question is not actually a man, but rather a teenager. In actual fact he was short, skinny, with black hair and glasses. He answers to the name of Harry Potter, also to freak and boy. This skinny little runt also happens to be a wizard, and a thumping good one at that.
Harry was sitting in the back seat of the car, as he was never allowed to sit in the front seat. Only real or normal people were allowed to sit up there not a wizard freak like him.
Harry had just completed his fourth year at his boarding school, Hogwarts. His uncle, Vernon Dursley, had picked Harry up from Kings Cross railway station and they were heading home to 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. It was a surprisingly quiet car ride without his aunt Petunia and cousin Dudley, who stayed at home this year. Vernon kept his eyes on the road refusing to even look at Harry, pretending he didn't exist. This suited Harry just fine; it was a nice change from the abuse that was normally suffered at the hands of his /family/.
Although Harry thought it was odd that Vernon had not said a word to him and was ignoring him, it was very far from the truth. Vernon was scheming in his tiny little mind. He would lull the freak into a false sense of security and then as soon as he put his foot the slightest bit out of line, he would give him the hiding of his life. It would be very satisfying seeing the look of shock on the freaks face just before his fist connected with it. After all, he had it coming, just for being a freak.
Harry leaned his head against the window and cast his thoughts back to the train ride from Hogwarts. It had been therapeutic for Harry in many respects. He was finally able to speak about the graveyard incident with his best friends Ron and Hermione. This was the first time Harry had willingly ventured back to those memories. Surprisingly, he had coped much better than he thought he would.
The graveyard incident, as Harry called it, was a fucking nightmare. First he had to survive the third task of the Triwizard tournament. He ended up in a draw with his friend, Cedric Diggory. They had both been put through the wringer and were thoroughly stuffed. Right at the moment of their triumph, they were snatched away by a Portkey. That is when the shit, truly hit the fan.
The Portkey dumped them in a graveyard. They met a figure carrying bundle. Before they knew it, Cedric was hit by an AK and died. It turned out the figure was Wormtail and he was carrying Voldemort in Homunculus form. Harry was quickly knocked out and when he awoke he was being used in a ritual to resurrect Voldemort. Shortly after Voldemort got his body back, he also got his army of Death Eater's too. All the Death Eater's not in prison re-enlisted before you could say Quidditch. Things went from shitty to fucking terrible when Voldemort tortured Harry then tried to kill him again.
Initially Harry had been full of guilt over Cedric's death. He totally blamed himself. It was mostly thanks to Hermione that his guilt was now gone. On the train ride back she had emphatically assured him that it was not his fault, but rather Voldemort's and Wormtail's. Actually Hermione had lectured and ranted at him, in her usual style. As it was not about homework, Harry actually listened to her this time. Even Ron had agreed with her. That in and of itself was mind boggling and clued Harry in, that maybe they were right.
So without guilt over the night of Voldemort's resurrection, Harry was left with something, he hadn't really encountered before. He was feeling a deep burning anger. As he examined it further, he concluded that it was a need for revenge. Revenge on the man who took his parents, his home and any chance of a childhood. He was also angry that his godfather had been in prison for most of his life and was still awanted man. Wormtail was the rat responsible for that part.
His anger also spilled over to the man driving the car, Vernon Dursley. His supposed family had abused Harry for most of his childhood. Harry hated his family with a passion that was on par with his hatred for Voldemort. And here he was, going back for another summer of hell.
In the past Harry had no thought about defying his family and had even accepted the abuse they heaped upon him. Things, however, had changed. Harry had faced death in the past, but it was the time, most recently, in the graveyard that changed him. He had faced Voldemort and was fully prepared to die. He had felt the Cruciatus Curse from Voldemort and anything his family could do to him paled in comparison to that. His fear of his family was now gone and anger was all that was left.
In the past, Harry had viewed anger as abad thing, something to be avoided. Now he knew better. Being angry felt good, he felt free in his rage. Anger gave him drive and determination. He had apurpose now, revenge. The Dursley's would pay, so would Voldemort and his army of Death Eaters. He would avenge his parent's deaths, his godfather's incarceration and all the shit he had been through.
Harry's day dreams of reigning down hell upon the Death Eaters where interrupted when he saw a road sign for his home. He was still about an hour away, but it ruined his happy thoughts. Harry was still going back to hell for the summer with his relatives and he didn't like it one bit.
The reason Harry had to return to the Dursley's was for protection from Voldemort. There were meant to be only two places that Voldemort couldn't get to Harry, Hogwarts and his relatives place. Albus Dumbledore, Harry's headmaster, had placed some very powerful blood wards over the Dursley's place and these prevented Voldemort and his Death Eaters from entering there.
Something was nagging at Harry's mind as he thought about the wards. He couldn't quite get it. So he went over his thoughts again. He was only safe in two places. Wait a minute, hold the fucking phone!That meant any time he was outside those two places he was fair game. Kind of like right now!
Harry almost packed a darky right then and there in the car. Even though Harry was determined to take out Voldemort and his Death Eaters, he wasn't ready yet. He had not learned anything more since he last fought them. That was something he would remedy very soon. Even though he wasn't ready to take them out, he would be damned if they got him without afight.
Harry had his wand in hand, but still within his pocket as he scanned the nearby cars and buildings they went past. After a while, Harry started to calm down. He smirked to himself and thought his behavior was like Mad Eye Moody. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! During the classes, they had all joked about it, but now Harry knew better. They say it isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you.
Harry figured he was one of the top two targets on Voldemort's shit list, along with Dumbledore. So he would copy Moody as best he could and crank up the volume on paranoia where possible. Come to think of it, why not write to Moody and see if he could get some tips or maybe even visit.
That alone brought up some problems. If he stayed home, he would probably go barmy. If he went outside, he was a target. Well he did have an invisibility cloak, but he would need to get more than that. Harry decided that if he was going to have any freedom, he would have to learn to be the sneakiest bugger around.
He was already fairly sneaky, with years of sneaking around his relatives house plus sneaking around Hogwarts. The consequences of getting caught then, were a beating or a detention, now it was torture and death. Oh yes, he would definitely be practicing his sneakiness.
Harry was contemplating how to get sneakier, when his initial thought popped up again. What was it about those damn wards that were rubbing him the wrong way? He couldn't for the life himself, think of it. Those fucking blood wards, were driving him up the bloody wall. Sure they were all that was keeping him safe from Voldemort, but what else was there about them?
All of a sudden, light dawned upon his marble skull. The light bulb went off in his head the colour drained from Harry's face. The turtle head was threatening to make an appearance again. Voldemort had Harry's blood; he got it during his resurrection. That meant the blood wards were useless! Yup, he thoroughly was fucked. Once again it was a SNAFU. In other words situation normal, all fucked up.
In this situation many would have panicked and that's just what Harry did too. The difference between Harry and other people is that Harry only panicked for about a second. He quickly pulled himself together and went over his options. He weighed the pros and cons of each and came up with a plan. Without his friends to help, it wasn't the best plan, but it was better than hanging around in hell, waiting to die.
Harry's life saving plan took him until he was home to get sorted. The car had pulled into the driveway and Harry was gripping his wand in his pocked, while looking around for danger. He was interrupted by "hurry up boy, I haven't got all day. Get your freakish self inside now" Vernon barked. "Yes uncle Vernon" Harry replied. So Harry got his things and went inside and upstairs. Dudley and Petunia were in the lounge room and ignored him completely, whilst lovingly greeting Vernon.
Harry felt very lucky that there were no Death Eaters waiting for him when he arrived home. He didn't relax his guard for a moment though, as they might be trying to lull him into a false sense of security. He dragged his trunk, gear and Hedwig's cage into his bedroom then locked the door and window. He pulled out a few things from his trunk and put them on his bed.
Harry moved to the center of the room and called "Dobby." There was a loud pop and the excitable Elf was in front of him. Now Harry knew things could get out of hand very quickly with Dobby, so he nipped it in the bud immediately. Before Dobby could even speak Harry put his index finger to his lips and shushed the Elf. The shushing worked, well in regards to noise anyway, not with regards to actions. You see as soon as Dobby appeared, he launched himself at Harry and before the boy wizard knew it, Dobby had pinned his leg in a hug that would make Mrs. Weasley envious.
After extracting himself, Harry said "thank you for coming Dobby. Could you whisper please, we have to be very, very quiet?"Dobby's large eyes had tears brimming in them when he heard this. The great Harry Potter had thanked Dobby. It was only Harry's request for quiet that kept Dobby from wailing with joy.
Harry continued "Dobby I was wondering if you could help me out with something please?" Dobby immediately bobbed his head like a maniac. He whispered "Dobby will do anything for Harry Potter sir."
Harry smiled and said "Dobby, can you take people with you when you Apparate? What about animals and trunks?" Dobby let out a sniffle, he had failed the bestest wizard. He said "Dobby is sorry, but Elves can't Apparate only Teleport. Dobby can take trunk, but not people or animals."
Harry smiled at him and said quickly, before the Elf could punish himself "no worries, I just wanted to know." Dobby immediately brightened up at this, he had not failed at all. Harry continued"Dobby, could you please take my trunk and Hedwig's cage to Hogwarts for me? To Myrtles bathroom to be precise, it's on the second floor. Just leave them by the sink."
Dobby nodded his head like crazy and grabbed the trunk and cage. With a loud pop he teleported away. When this happened, Hedwig, Harry's owl, was suddenly without a cage and the perch she was sitting on. This had the unfortunate affect of leaving her in mid air with her wings folded. She fell to the desk with an angry squawk.
Harry immediately went to Hedwig and apologized. At first she didn't accept and kicked up a stink. Eventually he got her quieted down. After bandaging his fingers, where an irate owl had nipped them, Harry opened his bedroom window.
Harry turned back to Hedwig and said "now girl, I want you to do something for me. I want you to go away for two days and nights. It doesn't matter what you do, hunt, go fly with some other owls or whatever you like. Just don't get seen by any wizards for that time. After the two days are over, head to the Hogwarts Owlery."
Hedwig did not like the sound of that one bit. She fluffed her feathers and squawked at him. Harry patted her and said"the Death Eaters are after me and might go after you too. I want you to be safe and I can't take you with me right now. These are dangerous times and we must take extra precautions."
Hedwig, who is an extraordinarily intelligent owl, couldn't fault her human's reasoning. With a hoot of acceptance and an affectionate ear nip, she took off for a brief holiday. There was this tall dark Eagle Owl that had caught her interest and it was time to pay him a visit.
As Harry watched her fly off into the sunset, he realized that it was almost game time. As soon as night was fully fallen, he would be able to act. So Harry left the window open and arranged his remaining belongings on the bed, for easy access. When he finished, he sat down and went over his plan again, fine tuning it.
His thoughts were interrupted by Vernon's bellow from downstairs "boy get your arse down here and cook dinner. I have had enough of your freakiness already." So Harry pocked his wand and made his way downstairs to take up his mantle as the Dursley House Elf once again.
Harry proceeded to make dinner for the criminals, err Dursley's. After all the years he spent cooking for his /family/, he was quite an accomplished cook. Unlike in his potions class, there was no one breathing down his neck, so Harry lost himself in the process. Dinner was progressing nicely and he was just putting the finishing touches on it, when he noticed that night had fallen.
Harry moved towards the hallway, when his aunt snarled "what the hell do you think you're doing? Get back and finish our dinner." Harry quickly replied with, for the first time ever in that house, genuine happiness"I just remembered I got you guys a great present. You're gunna love it."
That said Harry was out of the kitchen and bolting for the stairs. Meanwhile in the dining room, the Dursley's were flabbergasted. The freak had got them a present! It took a moment for the shock to wear off before three different expressions emerged. Petunia screwed up her face even more, shuddering to think of what freakish abomination she was going to receive. Dudley had a look of greed written all over his face and he was eagerly looking forward to it. Vernon was suspicious. Where on earth had the freak got the money to pay for it? He probably robbed someone.
Harry cleared the top of the stairs and darted to his room. He pulled on the jumper; put the Marauders Map in his pocket ad opened the window. He then threw on his invisibility cloak and mounted his broom.
In the blink of an eye Harry Potter, Hogwarts finest seeker, soared into the night. As soon as he was out the window, he pulled back on his broom and shot for the heavens. He levelled off at about 500 metres and made his way towards London, specifically Kings Cross station.
It was about five minutes since Harry left the room and after various calls and obscenities, that Petunia Dursley stormed up the stairs. She was wearing an irritated look on her face and carrying her weapon of choice, a fry pan. She marched directly to the freaks room and threw the door open. Turning on the light she yelled "BOY! Get your arse..." Where the heck was he?
She looked around the room and noticed it was completely bare. Nothing he owned was in it. No bloody owl, no wretched trunk and no freak. Her mood had gone from irritated and angry to bemused. She was in aslight daze as she closed the window and turned off the light
By the time she entered the kitchen a smile had worked its way onto her horse-like face. Her husband looked up and said "where is that bastard? Why are you smiling pet?"
Petunia picked up the dinner where Harry left off and said"the little shit left." Vernon just looked at her blankly before guffawing and said "who would have thought it, he was right. I absolutely love my present."This caused laugher to erupt from all of them.
As soon as Harry was out of the window and heading for the heavens, he started scanning the surrounds. He turned in a slow spiral as he ascended, looking for Death Eaters. He didn't find any, it was most likely they weren't there, but he wouldn't relax his guard just yet.
Harry had some trouble getting to the station. In fact he actually got lost. Looking down from half a kilometre up was very different to looking out a car window. Not having a street directory or a map was making this hard. Eventually he located some places he knew and was able to dredge up some primary school geography lessons and he found the station.
Once he got to Kings Cross Station Harry searched for platform nine and three quarters. It turned out to be easy to find, there was no one on it. From there he took off towards Hogwarts at his brooms maximum speed.
Harry spent his flight alternating being checking for enemies and planning his next moves. Hence, his flight was full Crazy Ivan's. Harry smirked as he remembered learning it from his friend, Victor Krum, during the year.
Flashback
Harry was sitting in the first aid tent, just after the first task of the Triwizard Tournament. Madam Pomfrey had finished healing his shoulder and was seeing to Cedric Diggory, in the curtained off cubicle next to him. He could hear them muttering, but was too wired with excitement and adrenalin to pay attention to them.
Harry had just about had enough of lying there, waiting for the spells affects to finish and was planning his getaway, when Viktor Krum walked in. Actually marched in would be a better description. Viktor came to astop, clacking his heels together and giving a slight bow. He said "Harry Potter, Hello."
Now Harry didn't know the first thing about etiquette but he remembered his manners and said "hello Viktor Krum. Congratulations on getting your egg." Viktor took an, at ease position and said "thankyou. I saw you get your egg too. Well done. You fly well, do you play Quidditch?"
Harry's adrenalin kicked into overdrive again. He was talking Quiddich with Viktor Krum! Ron would have a caniption if he was here. Thinking of Ron brought a frown to his face. Harry decided not to spend any more time thinking on the jealous wanker and focused on Viktor with a smile. Harry replied "do Iplay Quidditch? Do giants have big feet? Do centaurs shit in the woods? Are politician's idiots? Hell yeah I play Quiddich! What's more I play the only position worth mentioning too."
Viktor's posture relaxed and his face lost its firm blank look. He chuckled and said "Very funny, I will have to remember the politician one. There are very few people who would joke with me like you do Harry Potter. I will have to return the favour."
Harry was just shy of being flabbergasted. Viktor Krum was full of contradictions. The world class seeker and fellow champion was known for being dour and stern. But here he was laughing and speaking normally. What the fuck?
Viktor noticed the look on Harry's face and explained "most of the time I have to wear what I call my public mask. The public expect certain things form famous people, as I am sure you know. Going to school at Durmstrang, we are taught to keep our feelings to ourselves and not show weakness. But when in private, like now, I can relax."
Harry took this in and said with class, poise and distinction "wow!" Viktor laughed and a moment later Harry chuckled with him. Harry said "so would joking and laughter be considered a form of weakness then?"
Viktor nodded and said "I am Bulgarian, we are not generally known for our rosy dispositions. All countries the other side of the iron curtain are more taciturn that the so called West. But that is not to say that behind closed doors, we are without happiness or joy."
Harry absorbed this and said "ok I get that, but why are you telling me? I mean we are rivals after all. Not that I mind talking to you like this, but I am curious about why we are talking?"
Viktor smirked at him and said "I have a proposition for you. I have to practice my flying drills especially since there are no official Quidditch matches I can play in at the moment. I was wondering if you would like to join me?"
Harry almost went Dobby on Viktor then. His grin took in his ears and he yelled "abso-fucking-lutely!" Viktor laughed at his antics.
Neither of them noticed the curtain partition beside them raise itself to a point, forming a triangle. A voice came from the other side and said "you mind if I get in on some of that action too?"
Harry whipped his head to the side in surprise. Viktor's response was a bit more aggressive, he dropped into a crouch and had his wand pointed through the opening in a blink of an eye. The wand was pointing right at Cedric Diggory's chest. The Hufflepuff lost his grin and a bit of colour at the sight of the wand. Cedric's own wand wavered from where it was holding the curtain up magically.
Viktor straightened and put his wand away. He turned to Harry and winked then said "do you really think you could keep up with us Cedric Diggory?" This was said in a stern voice and it was clear that Viktor's public mask was back on.
Cedric, however, was not perturbed. He grinned and responded"are blond, part Veela, French champions as sexy as all hell? Do seekers get the hottest women? Does Albus Dumbledore need a shave? Do we all wish we had never heard of Dragons? Or to coin a phrase, abso-fucking-lutely!"
This got everyone laughing. It was the start of a pretty good friendship for all three. Due to the nature of Viktor's status, he had to keep his practices secret. Hence the practices were held at night above the lake, on the far side of it.
Cedric sighed and shook his head when he heard that part. He said "we can't get out of the castle after 10pm. The gates are locked." Harry just smirked at him and said "never fear, Harry's here. Don't worry I got it covered. Just meet me outside the Great Hall and I will get us out." Cedric had looked at Harry like he was as barmy as the headmaster, but he was curious to see what Harry had up his sleeve.
As it turned out, Harry had the Marauder's Map up his sleeve and it showed him a secret passage out of the school. Where Harry used his invisibility cloak to sneak about, Cedric used some spells. This got Harry's attention faster the food got Ron's attention. Cedric promised to teach Harry the Disillusionment Charm and the /Footfall Charm/. Cedric got these spells from a book in the restricted section called To Sneak or Not to Sneak. Harry decided this book was a must get even if he had to go to Knockturn Alley to buy it.
A bit over a week later, Cedric did teach Harry the two Charms. Harry really liked the /Footfall Charm/; it silenced the recipient's whole leg as well as whatever it came into contact with. Harry had even tried giving a chair the boot, only causing a sound when the chair hit the ground. The Disillusionment Charm was just plain weird, in Harry's mind. It felt like an egg cracking over your head and then a cold feeling swept over his body. It didn't give the recipient full invisibility, but rather bent light around their body. You could see through the person, but it was kind of like looking through rippled glass. It was very hard to notice though and almost impossible if the person was stationary.
The Champions did have some trouble with the late night practices though. They were already cutting back on sleep to study more, especially Harry, who had a lot to catch up on. Viktor told him to use Sleeping Potionsand/ Pepper-Up Potions/. When Harry had asked where to get them from, Cedric had looked at him in disbelief and just said "are you a bloody wizard or not? Brew the damn things." It took some effort, but Harry did just that. It was much easier to do by himself, without the greasy git harassing his every move. So it was that Harry slept as soon as his head hit the pillow and he was chipper as soon as he got up, thanks to the potions. Luckily they didn't practice Quiddich every night, so they avoided any overuse effects the potions could cause.
All three Seekers learnt a lot from each other during their practices. They would practice flying drills and also compete against each other chasing a snitch. This created its own set of learning opportunities too. Viktor and Harry both had Firebolt brooms, but Cedric had a Cleansweep Seven. So the would swap brooms most practices. This ended up making better flyers of them all as they had to overcome the brooms lack of speed and handling.
Although all three gained from the practice, Viktor taught Harry and Cedric more than they taught him. One of the things he taught them was the move called the Crazy Ivan. It was based off a Russian Auror move that Viktor learned from a team-mate. When travelling long distances, you would randomly fly in a large circle. This had the effect of giving you a chance to check if anyone was behind you as well as check the surrounding area. Viktor had changed it into a move to use when the Beaters were closing in and making life difficult. You would pull a Crazy Ivan and end up behind one of them, and then fly off. If you were lucky they would get hit. It could also be used to put the opposing Chasers between you and the Bludgers.
End flashback
When Harry wasn't checking his surroundings and watching for enemies, he was planning and scheming. He was now free from the Dursley's would never have to go back again. This gave him the ability to do something he had only ever dreamed about before tonight. Get some revenge on his /family/!
This was Harry's chance to finally pay his family back for all the shit they had heaped upon him, and by Merlin, he was going to take it. Normally Harry would have jumped in with both Gryffindor feet and probably got into some strife. But that was the old Harry. The new Harry was able to unleash his inner Slytherin more easily. His Gryff side wanted to go in hot and heavy and make them pay. His Slytherin side wanted to plan and meticulously and utterly destroy them
Harry was through with doing what other people wanted and being what they wanted. It was time Harry took life by the balls and got what he wanted out of life for a change. And what he wanted most right now was payback.
He considered many different ways to get them back. They ranged from destroying Petunia's garden to feeding them all to a Dragon. After a while Harry asked himself a very important question. A question which would change the way Harry did many things in the future. 'What is most important to them and how can I destroy that?'
The answer he came up with was one word, Dudley! If anyone could have seen Harry at this point they would not have recognised him. He had a glint in his eye that looked almost feral. His smile was one that promised pain. Oh how he was looking forward to this, Dudley was so going to pay!
For as long as Harry could remember, Dudley had beaten him up. Dudley wouldn't stop there though; he would deliberately hurt Harry when he was lying on the ground whimpering. His gang was often involved and they even made a game out of it, called 'Harry Hunting.' There were many occasions when Vernon would instruct Dudley in his form while beating on Harry. Then when Dudley would follow the instructions well, Vernon would look on like a proud parent.
Harry put his Gryffindor part to the side and fully engaged his inner Slytherin. He tossed about a lot of ideas and finally came up with what he thought was a cunning plan. First he would make sure all of Dudley's criminal activities came to light. Getting Dudley thrown in jail would hit Vernon and Petunia right where it hurt the most. Then he would wait a few days for the horror to settle in. Once they realised their son was gone and their reputation was shot, he would have them charged and sent to Azkaban where the Dementors could have at them.
Harry would need to do several things to get his plan up and running. He would visit Gringotts for some cash, find a lawyer and get aprivate investigator. If memory served, there were some lawyer's offices in Diagon Alley. He would see if they could recommend a PI and a muggle law firm.
Thinking of lawyers drew Harry's thoughts to his godfather, Sirius Black. Sirius was an innocent man who was imprisoned without a trial. Harry had helped Sirius escape, but he was now on the run. The more Harry thought about this, the angrier he got. The wizarding justice system was a fucking joke. There had to be some way to get his godfather pardoned. If not then there would be hell to pay.
After several hours flying Harry saw his destination up ahead, Hogsmead station, followed by the town and then Hogwarts itself. With one last Crazy Ivan, Harry headed in for a landing.
A/N - Consider the Disillusionment Charm as identical to the invisibility used in Predator. Oh yeah, I don't own that either, just borrowing it.
A/N. This story will feature a grey Harry who doesn't make the same idiotic choices JKR reckons he would have. Don't expect canon personalities, alignments, pairings and most of Deathly Hollows will be ignored. If you have to ask why DH is being ignored, don't bother reading this story, you won't like it. The story begins on the first day of the summer holidays after Harry's fourth year.
Warning: - This story will be as politically correct as the movie Borat. There will be swearing, extreme violence, explicit sex scenes, child abuse and other disturbing behaviour.
Disclaimer: - I don't own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. If I did, Fred would have lived and Delores would be dead.
Thank you to my betas - Claire, Adam, Nick and Reyad. Without your input this would be utter rubbish.
Chapter 1 - Flying the Coup
Saturday, June 30
It was a bright, warm afternoon in sunny old England. Birds were singing, children were laughing and adults were enjoying the best day of the weekend. On this glorious day, we find our hero sitting in a car, winding its way along the highways. The car was a bright silver Jaguar and kept in impeccable condition, mostly thanks to our hero.
The man in question is not actually a man, but rather a teenager. In actual fact he was short, skinny, with black hair and glasses. He answers to the name of Harry Potter, also to freak and boy. This skinny little runt also happens to be a wizard, and a thumping good one at that.
Harry was sitting in the back seat of the car, as he was never allowed to sit in the front seat. Only real or normal people were allowed to sit up there not a wizard freak like him.
Harry had just completed his fourth year at his boarding school, Hogwarts. His uncle, Vernon Dursley, had picked Harry up from Kings Cross railway station and they were heading home to 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. It was a surprisingly quiet car ride without his aunt Petunia and cousin Dudley, who stayed at home this year. Vernon kept his eyes on the road refusing to even look at Harry, pretending he didn't exist. This suited Harry just fine; it was a nice change from the abuse that was normally suffered at the hands of his /family/.
Although Harry thought it was odd that Vernon had not said a word to him and was ignoring him, it was very far from the truth. Vernon was scheming in his tiny little mind. He would lull the freak into a false sense of security and then as soon as he put his foot the slightest bit out of line, he would give him the hiding of his life. It would be very satisfying seeing the look of shock on the freaks face just before his fist connected with it. After all, he had it coming, just for being a freak.
Harry leaned his head against the window and cast his thoughts back to the train ride from Hogwarts. It had been therapeutic for Harry in many respects. He was finally able to speak about the graveyard incident with his best friends Ron and Hermione. This was the first time Harry had willingly ventured back to those memories. Surprisingly, he had coped much better than he thought he would.
The graveyard incident, as Harry called it, was a fucking nightmare. First he had to survive the third task of the Triwizard tournament. He ended up in a draw with his friend, Cedric Diggory. They had both been put through the wringer and were thoroughly stuffed. Right at the moment of their triumph, they were snatched away by a Portkey. That is when the shit, truly hit the fan.
The Portkey dumped them in a graveyard. They met a figure carrying bundle. Before they knew it, Cedric was hit by an AK and died. It turned out the figure was Wormtail and he was carrying Voldemort in Homunculus form. Harry was quickly knocked out and when he awoke he was being used in a ritual to resurrect Voldemort. Shortly after Voldemort got his body back, he also got his army of Death Eater's too. All the Death Eater's not in prison re-enlisted before you could say Quidditch. Things went from shitty to fucking terrible when Voldemort tortured Harry then tried to kill him again.
Initially Harry had been full of guilt over Cedric's death. He totally blamed himself. It was mostly thanks to Hermione that his guilt was now gone. On the train ride back she had emphatically assured him that it was not his fault, but rather Voldemort's and Wormtail's. Actually Hermione had lectured and ranted at him, in her usual style. As it was not about homework, Harry actually listened to her this time. Even Ron had agreed with her. That in and of itself was mind boggling and clued Harry in, that maybe they were right.
So without guilt over the night of Voldemort's resurrection, Harry was left with something, he hadn't really encountered before. He was feeling a deep burning anger. As he examined it further, he concluded that it was a need for revenge. Revenge on the man who took his parents, his home and any chance of a childhood. He was also angry that his godfather had been in prison for most of his life and was still awanted man. Wormtail was the rat responsible for that part.
His anger also spilled over to the man driving the car, Vernon Dursley. His supposed family had abused Harry for most of his childhood. Harry hated his family with a passion that was on par with his hatred for Voldemort. And here he was, going back for another summer of hell.
In the past Harry had no thought about defying his family and had even accepted the abuse they heaped upon him. Things, however, had changed. Harry had faced death in the past, but it was the time, most recently, in the graveyard that changed him. He had faced Voldemort and was fully prepared to die. He had felt the Cruciatus Curse from Voldemort and anything his family could do to him paled in comparison to that. His fear of his family was now gone and anger was all that was left.
In the past, Harry had viewed anger as abad thing, something to be avoided. Now he knew better. Being angry felt good, he felt free in his rage. Anger gave him drive and determination. He had apurpose now, revenge. The Dursley's would pay, so would Voldemort and his army of Death Eaters. He would avenge his parent's deaths, his godfather's incarceration and all the shit he had been through.
Harry's day dreams of reigning down hell upon the Death Eaters where interrupted when he saw a road sign for his home. He was still about an hour away, but it ruined his happy thoughts. Harry was still going back to hell for the summer with his relatives and he didn't like it one bit.
The reason Harry had to return to the Dursley's was for protection from Voldemort. There were meant to be only two places that Voldemort couldn't get to Harry, Hogwarts and his relatives place. Albus Dumbledore, Harry's headmaster, had placed some very powerful blood wards over the Dursley's place and these prevented Voldemort and his Death Eaters from entering there.
Something was nagging at Harry's mind as he thought about the wards. He couldn't quite get it. So he went over his thoughts again. He was only safe in two places. Wait a minute, hold the fucking phone!That meant any time he was outside those two places he was fair game. Kind of like right now!
Harry almost packed a darky right then and there in the car. Even though Harry was determined to take out Voldemort and his Death Eaters, he wasn't ready yet. He had not learned anything more since he last fought them. That was something he would remedy very soon. Even though he wasn't ready to take them out, he would be damned if they got him without afight.
Harry had his wand in hand, but still within his pocket as he scanned the nearby cars and buildings they went past. After a while, Harry started to calm down. He smirked to himself and thought his behavior was like Mad Eye Moody. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! During the classes, they had all joked about it, but now Harry knew better. They say it isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you.
Harry figured he was one of the top two targets on Voldemort's shit list, along with Dumbledore. So he would copy Moody as best he could and crank up the volume on paranoia where possible. Come to think of it, why not write to Moody and see if he could get some tips or maybe even visit.
That alone brought up some problems. If he stayed home, he would probably go barmy. If he went outside, he was a target. Well he did have an invisibility cloak, but he would need to get more than that. Harry decided that if he was going to have any freedom, he would have to learn to be the sneakiest bugger around.
He was already fairly sneaky, with years of sneaking around his relatives house plus sneaking around Hogwarts. The consequences of getting caught then, were a beating or a detention, now it was torture and death. Oh yes, he would definitely be practicing his sneakiness.
Harry was contemplating how to get sneakier, when his initial thought popped up again. What was it about those damn wards that were rubbing him the wrong way? He couldn't for the life himself, think of it. Those fucking blood wards, were driving him up the bloody wall. Sure they were all that was keeping him safe from Voldemort, but what else was there about them?
All of a sudden, light dawned upon his marble skull. The light bulb went off in his head the colour drained from Harry's face. The turtle head was threatening to make an appearance again. Voldemort had Harry's blood; he got it during his resurrection. That meant the blood wards were useless! Yup, he thoroughly was fucked. Once again it was a SNAFU. In other words situation normal, all fucked up.
In this situation many would have panicked and that's just what Harry did too. The difference between Harry and other people is that Harry only panicked for about a second. He quickly pulled himself together and went over his options. He weighed the pros and cons of each and came up with a plan. Without his friends to help, it wasn't the best plan, but it was better than hanging around in hell, waiting to die.
Harry's life saving plan took him until he was home to get sorted. The car had pulled into the driveway and Harry was gripping his wand in his pocked, while looking around for danger. He was interrupted by "hurry up boy, I haven't got all day. Get your freakish self inside now" Vernon barked. "Yes uncle Vernon" Harry replied. So Harry got his things and went inside and upstairs. Dudley and Petunia were in the lounge room and ignored him completely, whilst lovingly greeting Vernon.
Harry felt very lucky that there were no Death Eaters waiting for him when he arrived home. He didn't relax his guard for a moment though, as they might be trying to lull him into a false sense of security. He dragged his trunk, gear and Hedwig's cage into his bedroom then locked the door and window. He pulled out a few things from his trunk and put them on his bed.
Harry moved to the center of the room and called "Dobby." There was a loud pop and the excitable Elf was in front of him. Now Harry knew things could get out of hand very quickly with Dobby, so he nipped it in the bud immediately. Before Dobby could even speak Harry put his index finger to his lips and shushed the Elf. The shushing worked, well in regards to noise anyway, not with regards to actions. You see as soon as Dobby appeared, he launched himself at Harry and before the boy wizard knew it, Dobby had pinned his leg in a hug that would make Mrs. Weasley envious.
After extracting himself, Harry said "thank you for coming Dobby. Could you whisper please, we have to be very, very quiet?"Dobby's large eyes had tears brimming in them when he heard this. The great Harry Potter had thanked Dobby. It was only Harry's request for quiet that kept Dobby from wailing with joy.
Harry continued "Dobby I was wondering if you could help me out with something please?" Dobby immediately bobbed his head like a maniac. He whispered "Dobby will do anything for Harry Potter sir."
Harry smiled and said "Dobby, can you take people with you when you Apparate? What about animals and trunks?" Dobby let out a sniffle, he had failed the bestest wizard. He said "Dobby is sorry, but Elves can't Apparate only Teleport. Dobby can take trunk, but not people or animals."
Harry smiled at him and said quickly, before the Elf could punish himself "no worries, I just wanted to know." Dobby immediately brightened up at this, he had not failed at all. Harry continued"Dobby, could you please take my trunk and Hedwig's cage to Hogwarts for me? To Myrtles bathroom to be precise, it's on the second floor. Just leave them by the sink."
Dobby nodded his head like crazy and grabbed the trunk and cage. With a loud pop he teleported away. When this happened, Hedwig, Harry's owl, was suddenly without a cage and the perch she was sitting on. This had the unfortunate affect of leaving her in mid air with her wings folded. She fell to the desk with an angry squawk.
Harry immediately went to Hedwig and apologized. At first she didn't accept and kicked up a stink. Eventually he got her quieted down. After bandaging his fingers, where an irate owl had nipped them, Harry opened his bedroom window.
Harry turned back to Hedwig and said "now girl, I want you to do something for me. I want you to go away for two days and nights. It doesn't matter what you do, hunt, go fly with some other owls or whatever you like. Just don't get seen by any wizards for that time. After the two days are over, head to the Hogwarts Owlery."
Hedwig did not like the sound of that one bit. She fluffed her feathers and squawked at him. Harry patted her and said"the Death Eaters are after me and might go after you too. I want you to be safe and I can't take you with me right now. These are dangerous times and we must take extra precautions."
Hedwig, who is an extraordinarily intelligent owl, couldn't fault her human's reasoning. With a hoot of acceptance and an affectionate ear nip, she took off for a brief holiday. There was this tall dark Eagle Owl that had caught her interest and it was time to pay him a visit.
As Harry watched her fly off into the sunset, he realized that it was almost game time. As soon as night was fully fallen, he would be able to act. So Harry left the window open and arranged his remaining belongings on the bed, for easy access. When he finished, he sat down and went over his plan again, fine tuning it.
His thoughts were interrupted by Vernon's bellow from downstairs "boy get your arse down here and cook dinner. I have had enough of your freakiness already." So Harry pocked his wand and made his way downstairs to take up his mantle as the Dursley House Elf once again.
Harry proceeded to make dinner for the criminals, err Dursley's. After all the years he spent cooking for his /family/, he was quite an accomplished cook. Unlike in his potions class, there was no one breathing down his neck, so Harry lost himself in the process. Dinner was progressing nicely and he was just putting the finishing touches on it, when he noticed that night had fallen.
Harry moved towards the hallway, when his aunt snarled "what the hell do you think you're doing? Get back and finish our dinner." Harry quickly replied with, for the first time ever in that house, genuine happiness"I just remembered I got you guys a great present. You're gunna love it."
That said Harry was out of the kitchen and bolting for the stairs. Meanwhile in the dining room, the Dursley's were flabbergasted. The freak had got them a present! It took a moment for the shock to wear off before three different expressions emerged. Petunia screwed up her face even more, shuddering to think of what freakish abomination she was going to receive. Dudley had a look of greed written all over his face and he was eagerly looking forward to it. Vernon was suspicious. Where on earth had the freak got the money to pay for it? He probably robbed someone.
Harry cleared the top of the stairs and darted to his room. He pulled on the jumper; put the Marauders Map in his pocket ad opened the window. He then threw on his invisibility cloak and mounted his broom.
In the blink of an eye Harry Potter, Hogwarts finest seeker, soared into the night. As soon as he was out the window, he pulled back on his broom and shot for the heavens. He levelled off at about 500 metres and made his way towards London, specifically Kings Cross station.
It was about five minutes since Harry left the room and after various calls and obscenities, that Petunia Dursley stormed up the stairs. She was wearing an irritated look on her face and carrying her weapon of choice, a fry pan. She marched directly to the freaks room and threw the door open. Turning on the light she yelled "BOY! Get your arse..." Where the heck was he?
She looked around the room and noticed it was completely bare. Nothing he owned was in it. No bloody owl, no wretched trunk and no freak. Her mood had gone from irritated and angry to bemused. She was in aslight daze as she closed the window and turned off the light
By the time she entered the kitchen a smile had worked its way onto her horse-like face. Her husband looked up and said "where is that bastard? Why are you smiling pet?"
Petunia picked up the dinner where Harry left off and said"the little shit left." Vernon just looked at her blankly before guffawing and said "who would have thought it, he was right. I absolutely love my present."This caused laugher to erupt from all of them.
As soon as Harry was out of the window and heading for the heavens, he started scanning the surrounds. He turned in a slow spiral as he ascended, looking for Death Eaters. He didn't find any, it was most likely they weren't there, but he wouldn't relax his guard just yet.
Harry had some trouble getting to the station. In fact he actually got lost. Looking down from half a kilometre up was very different to looking out a car window. Not having a street directory or a map was making this hard. Eventually he located some places he knew and was able to dredge up some primary school geography lessons and he found the station.
Once he got to Kings Cross Station Harry searched for platform nine and three quarters. It turned out to be easy to find, there was no one on it. From there he took off towards Hogwarts at his brooms maximum speed.
Harry spent his flight alternating being checking for enemies and planning his next moves. Hence, his flight was full Crazy Ivan's. Harry smirked as he remembered learning it from his friend, Victor Krum, during the year.
Flashback
Harry was sitting in the first aid tent, just after the first task of the Triwizard Tournament. Madam Pomfrey had finished healing his shoulder and was seeing to Cedric Diggory, in the curtained off cubicle next to him. He could hear them muttering, but was too wired with excitement and adrenalin to pay attention to them.
Harry had just about had enough of lying there, waiting for the spells affects to finish and was planning his getaway, when Viktor Krum walked in. Actually marched in would be a better description. Viktor came to astop, clacking his heels together and giving a slight bow. He said "Harry Potter, Hello."
Now Harry didn't know the first thing about etiquette but he remembered his manners and said "hello Viktor Krum. Congratulations on getting your egg." Viktor took an, at ease position and said "thankyou. I saw you get your egg too. Well done. You fly well, do you play Quidditch?"
Harry's adrenalin kicked into overdrive again. He was talking Quiddich with Viktor Krum! Ron would have a caniption if he was here. Thinking of Ron brought a frown to his face. Harry decided not to spend any more time thinking on the jealous wanker and focused on Viktor with a smile. Harry replied "do Iplay Quidditch? Do giants have big feet? Do centaurs shit in the woods? Are politician's idiots? Hell yeah I play Quiddich! What's more I play the only position worth mentioning too."
Viktor's posture relaxed and his face lost its firm blank look. He chuckled and said "Very funny, I will have to remember the politician one. There are very few people who would joke with me like you do Harry Potter. I will have to return the favour."
Harry was just shy of being flabbergasted. Viktor Krum was full of contradictions. The world class seeker and fellow champion was known for being dour and stern. But here he was laughing and speaking normally. What the fuck?
Viktor noticed the look on Harry's face and explained "most of the time I have to wear what I call my public mask. The public expect certain things form famous people, as I am sure you know. Going to school at Durmstrang, we are taught to keep our feelings to ourselves and not show weakness. But when in private, like now, I can relax."
Harry took this in and said with class, poise and distinction "wow!" Viktor laughed and a moment later Harry chuckled with him. Harry said "so would joking and laughter be considered a form of weakness then?"
Viktor nodded and said "I am Bulgarian, we are not generally known for our rosy dispositions. All countries the other side of the iron curtain are more taciturn that the so called West. But that is not to say that behind closed doors, we are without happiness or joy."
Harry absorbed this and said "ok I get that, but why are you telling me? I mean we are rivals after all. Not that I mind talking to you like this, but I am curious about why we are talking?"
Viktor smirked at him and said "I have a proposition for you. I have to practice my flying drills especially since there are no official Quidditch matches I can play in at the moment. I was wondering if you would like to join me?"
Harry almost went Dobby on Viktor then. His grin took in his ears and he yelled "abso-fucking-lutely!" Viktor laughed at his antics.
Neither of them noticed the curtain partition beside them raise itself to a point, forming a triangle. A voice came from the other side and said "you mind if I get in on some of that action too?"
Harry whipped his head to the side in surprise. Viktor's response was a bit more aggressive, he dropped into a crouch and had his wand pointed through the opening in a blink of an eye. The wand was pointing right at Cedric Diggory's chest. The Hufflepuff lost his grin and a bit of colour at the sight of the wand. Cedric's own wand wavered from where it was holding the curtain up magically.
Viktor straightened and put his wand away. He turned to Harry and winked then said "do you really think you could keep up with us Cedric Diggory?" This was said in a stern voice and it was clear that Viktor's public mask was back on.
Cedric, however, was not perturbed. He grinned and responded"are blond, part Veela, French champions as sexy as all hell? Do seekers get the hottest women? Does Albus Dumbledore need a shave? Do we all wish we had never heard of Dragons? Or to coin a phrase, abso-fucking-lutely!"
This got everyone laughing. It was the start of a pretty good friendship for all three. Due to the nature of Viktor's status, he had to keep his practices secret. Hence the practices were held at night above the lake, on the far side of it.
Cedric sighed and shook his head when he heard that part. He said "we can't get out of the castle after 10pm. The gates are locked." Harry just smirked at him and said "never fear, Harry's here. Don't worry I got it covered. Just meet me outside the Great Hall and I will get us out." Cedric had looked at Harry like he was as barmy as the headmaster, but he was curious to see what Harry had up his sleeve.
As it turned out, Harry had the Marauder's Map up his sleeve and it showed him a secret passage out of the school. Where Harry used his invisibility cloak to sneak about, Cedric used some spells. This got Harry's attention faster the food got Ron's attention. Cedric promised to teach Harry the Disillusionment Charm and the /Footfall Charm/. Cedric got these spells from a book in the restricted section called To Sneak or Not to Sneak. Harry decided this book was a must get even if he had to go to Knockturn Alley to buy it.
A bit over a week later, Cedric did teach Harry the two Charms. Harry really liked the /Footfall Charm/; it silenced the recipient's whole leg as well as whatever it came into contact with. Harry had even tried giving a chair the boot, only causing a sound when the chair hit the ground. The Disillusionment Charm was just plain weird, in Harry's mind. It felt like an egg cracking over your head and then a cold feeling swept over his body. It didn't give the recipient full invisibility, but rather bent light around their body. You could see through the person, but it was kind of like looking through rippled glass. It was very hard to notice though and almost impossible if the person was stationary.
The Champions did have some trouble with the late night practices though. They were already cutting back on sleep to study more, especially Harry, who had a lot to catch up on. Viktor told him to use Sleeping Potionsand/ Pepper-Up Potions/. When Harry had asked where to get them from, Cedric had looked at him in disbelief and just said "are you a bloody wizard or not? Brew the damn things." It took some effort, but Harry did just that. It was much easier to do by himself, without the greasy git harassing his every move. So it was that Harry slept as soon as his head hit the pillow and he was chipper as soon as he got up, thanks to the potions. Luckily they didn't practice Quiddich every night, so they avoided any overuse effects the potions could cause.
All three Seekers learnt a lot from each other during their practices. They would practice flying drills and also compete against each other chasing a snitch. This created its own set of learning opportunities too. Viktor and Harry both had Firebolt brooms, but Cedric had a Cleansweep Seven. So the would swap brooms most practices. This ended up making better flyers of them all as they had to overcome the brooms lack of speed and handling.
Although all three gained from the practice, Viktor taught Harry and Cedric more than they taught him. One of the things he taught them was the move called the Crazy Ivan. It was based off a Russian Auror move that Viktor learned from a team-mate. When travelling long distances, you would randomly fly in a large circle. This had the effect of giving you a chance to check if anyone was behind you as well as check the surrounding area. Viktor had changed it into a move to use when the Beaters were closing in and making life difficult. You would pull a Crazy Ivan and end up behind one of them, and then fly off. If you were lucky they would get hit. It could also be used to put the opposing Chasers between you and the Bludgers.
End flashback
When Harry wasn't checking his surroundings and watching for enemies, he was planning and scheming. He was now free from the Dursley's would never have to go back again. This gave him the ability to do something he had only ever dreamed about before tonight. Get some revenge on his /family/!
This was Harry's chance to finally pay his family back for all the shit they had heaped upon him, and by Merlin, he was going to take it. Normally Harry would have jumped in with both Gryffindor feet and probably got into some strife. But that was the old Harry. The new Harry was able to unleash his inner Slytherin more easily. His Gryff side wanted to go in hot and heavy and make them pay. His Slytherin side wanted to plan and meticulously and utterly destroy them
Harry was through with doing what other people wanted and being what they wanted. It was time Harry took life by the balls and got what he wanted out of life for a change. And what he wanted most right now was payback.
He considered many different ways to get them back. They ranged from destroying Petunia's garden to feeding them all to a Dragon. After a while Harry asked himself a very important question. A question which would change the way Harry did many things in the future. 'What is most important to them and how can I destroy that?'
The answer he came up with was one word, Dudley! If anyone could have seen Harry at this point they would not have recognised him. He had a glint in his eye that looked almost feral. His smile was one that promised pain. Oh how he was looking forward to this, Dudley was so going to pay!
For as long as Harry could remember, Dudley had beaten him up. Dudley wouldn't stop there though; he would deliberately hurt Harry when he was lying on the ground whimpering. His gang was often involved and they even made a game out of it, called 'Harry Hunting.' There were many occasions when Vernon would instruct Dudley in his form while beating on Harry. Then when Dudley would follow the instructions well, Vernon would look on like a proud parent.
Harry put his Gryffindor part to the side and fully engaged his inner Slytherin. He tossed about a lot of ideas and finally came up with what he thought was a cunning plan. First he would make sure all of Dudley's criminal activities came to light. Getting Dudley thrown in jail would hit Vernon and Petunia right where it hurt the most. Then he would wait a few days for the horror to settle in. Once they realised their son was gone and their reputation was shot, he would have them charged and sent to Azkaban where the Dementors could have at them.
Harry would need to do several things to get his plan up and running. He would visit Gringotts for some cash, find a lawyer and get aprivate investigator. If memory served, there were some lawyer's offices in Diagon Alley. He would see if they could recommend a PI and a muggle law firm.
Thinking of lawyers drew Harry's thoughts to his godfather, Sirius Black. Sirius was an innocent man who was imprisoned without a trial. Harry had helped Sirius escape, but he was now on the run. The more Harry thought about this, the angrier he got. The wizarding justice system was a fucking joke. There had to be some way to get his godfather pardoned. If not then there would be hell to pay.
After several hours flying Harry saw his destination up ahead, Hogsmead station, followed by the town and then Hogwarts itself. With one last Crazy Ivan, Harry headed in for a landing.
A/N - Consider the Disillusionment Charm as identical to the invisibility used in Predator. Oh yeah, I don't own that either, just borrowing it.
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