Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Nobody Said It Was Easy...
Part 13
Frank’s POV- ‘I’d give up forever to touch you.’
I didn’t really go to Dean’s I just wanted to hurt her. I don’t know what I wanted to hurt her but I regret it now.
I go home and grab my guitar. I turn up the volume, hang it around my shoulders, then play as hard and fast as I can. I pound against the strings with the plec, my arm aches and burns but never slows down. My left hand slides up and down the fret-board with a kind of grace. Finding all the right notes, accenting all the right chords, clinging on for dear like in case my fingers slip and I play it wring. Hoping and praying that I will reach some form of paradise soon.
It’s the place I go to when I play like this. My mind switches off and all that matters are numbers and strings, up strokes and down strokes, slides and bends, hammer ons and pull offs. Note after note after not. A steady beat, a heart beat. My heart pouring itself out onto the floor. Anyone who wishes to could stand on it but it doesn’t matter.
With every chord, every single note, I pour my heart out through my fingers. I pray for someone to understand. To hear my heart’s song and really understand. I play until my fingers bleed.
It’s dark and I finally give up and lay my guitar down. I rinse my fingers in the bathroom and head down stairs for a caffeine fix. It’s just as I’m watching the coffee machine dribble delicious brown liquid into my mug that it all hits me again.
Amy and Gerard. Gerard and Amy. Then me, just Frank. Just me. A hundred notches in my bedpost but no one in my arms. I scribble the line down on a scrap of paper and stuff it into my pocket in case it fits into a song at some point. I grab my coffee and run back upstairs.
Soon enough Billy Talent are pouring from my speakers and I’m trying, unsuccessfully, to drown myself in the music.
Why had she looked so upset and confused when her and Gerard had just found out they were ‘meant to be’? I roll over on my bed and bury my head in my pillow. I want to touch her and know she feels me. I need to know she things about me too. I need to know she doesn’t want to be with Gerard. You can’t have everything in life though I suppose.
“FRANK?” My Mum calls upstairs. I peel myself off the bed and go to the top of the stairs.
“I’m home… and I found this pretty little thing on the doorstep trying to get your attention.”
Interesting…
“Oh ok who is it?” I call back, trying not to sound too expectant.
“I’ll send her up.” I wait at the top of the stairs and try no to let my smile drop too much when I see that it’s just Charli. Probably here to give me an ear bashing.
“Yeah I know… I’m no Amy.” She says. Passing me and leading me into my own bedroom. She perches on the edge of the bed as if scared of what she may find if she ventures any nearer to the middle.
“Sorry if it’s a mess.” I say as she looks around at all the comics, magazines, exercise books, guitar paraphernalia and clothes.
“It’s not as bad as Mikey’s don’t worry.” She smiles at me and I’m caught slightly off guard. I sit at the head of my bed with my legs crossed, studying her.
“Why are you here?” I ask eventually. I sound rude but curiosity had ridden me of any manners I’d been taught.
“Amy.”
“I didn’t see that coming at all.” I reply sarcastically.
“She f*cking cried nearly all afternoon today.” I feel ashamed and my cheeks burn with it although I’m not quite sure what I was supposed to have done to upset her quite so much. “Why did you have to yell at her? It’s not like she intentionally made you jealous yesterday.”
“I’m sorry.” I mumble feeling even worse. “She hurt me ok? And now her and Gerard are all loved up and I get put on the shelf.”
“What are you talking about? They hardly looked loved up to me. In fact they haven’t said two words to each other since their little chat in the kitchen.”
“I don’t know! Maybe they’ve gone all shy with beginning of new relationship nerves or something.” I don’t know where she’s going with all this but I don’t need her assistance to feel like a complete tw*t. I know I was out of order for yelling at her and for implying those things. Can I get on with wallowing in self pity now?
“They aren’t together!” She shouts exasperatedly. My insides somersault and I feel my eyes widen slightly.
“But… I heard them talking…”
“About how last night made Amy realise she wants you?”
“What… But… She said…” It all slots into place in my head and I get torn between joy at her liking me and shame at having a go at her for little reason.
“She likes you.” Charli says again. “Well she did… I’m not sure what’s going on now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well after your little exhibition she got really upset and I know she doesn’t like how much you drink and sleep around. Not to mention the drugs. It doesn’t help that you completely rubbed it in her face earlier by saying you were going to Dean’s. We all know why you go there.”
“I didn’t do any of that earlier. I didn’t even go to Dean’s to pick up.” I admit. Annoyed at how much that one mindless comment could cost me.
“Why say it then?”
“I wanted to hurt her.” I admit. I almost expect to get slapped but instead I just feel her get up off the bed and hear her cross the room to the door.
“If you want her you need to work for her. You need to prove to her that you’re worth the risk. And you need to prove it to her friends.” She leaves and I resume my attempts to drown in Billy Talent.
I finally give up and plug my mp3 player headphones into my ears. As the first few chords of ‘Iris’ start up I close my eyes. Oh how I screw everything up.
/‘And I’d give up forever to touch you
Coz I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.
And I don’t want the world to see me
Coz I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
You can’t fight the tears that aint coming
Or the moment of truth in your lie
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive/
I run my hand up my now scarred torso before the chorus kicks in and washes me away into oblivion.
/And I don’t want the world to see me
Coz I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you... To know who I am.’/
Frank’s POV- ‘I’d give up forever to touch you.’
I didn’t really go to Dean’s I just wanted to hurt her. I don’t know what I wanted to hurt her but I regret it now.
I go home and grab my guitar. I turn up the volume, hang it around my shoulders, then play as hard and fast as I can. I pound against the strings with the plec, my arm aches and burns but never slows down. My left hand slides up and down the fret-board with a kind of grace. Finding all the right notes, accenting all the right chords, clinging on for dear like in case my fingers slip and I play it wring. Hoping and praying that I will reach some form of paradise soon.
It’s the place I go to when I play like this. My mind switches off and all that matters are numbers and strings, up strokes and down strokes, slides and bends, hammer ons and pull offs. Note after note after not. A steady beat, a heart beat. My heart pouring itself out onto the floor. Anyone who wishes to could stand on it but it doesn’t matter.
With every chord, every single note, I pour my heart out through my fingers. I pray for someone to understand. To hear my heart’s song and really understand. I play until my fingers bleed.
It’s dark and I finally give up and lay my guitar down. I rinse my fingers in the bathroom and head down stairs for a caffeine fix. It’s just as I’m watching the coffee machine dribble delicious brown liquid into my mug that it all hits me again.
Amy and Gerard. Gerard and Amy. Then me, just Frank. Just me. A hundred notches in my bedpost but no one in my arms. I scribble the line down on a scrap of paper and stuff it into my pocket in case it fits into a song at some point. I grab my coffee and run back upstairs.
Soon enough Billy Talent are pouring from my speakers and I’m trying, unsuccessfully, to drown myself in the music.
Why had she looked so upset and confused when her and Gerard had just found out they were ‘meant to be’? I roll over on my bed and bury my head in my pillow. I want to touch her and know she feels me. I need to know she things about me too. I need to know she doesn’t want to be with Gerard. You can’t have everything in life though I suppose.
“FRANK?” My Mum calls upstairs. I peel myself off the bed and go to the top of the stairs.
“I’m home… and I found this pretty little thing on the doorstep trying to get your attention.”
Interesting…
“Oh ok who is it?” I call back, trying not to sound too expectant.
“I’ll send her up.” I wait at the top of the stairs and try no to let my smile drop too much when I see that it’s just Charli. Probably here to give me an ear bashing.
“Yeah I know… I’m no Amy.” She says. Passing me and leading me into my own bedroom. She perches on the edge of the bed as if scared of what she may find if she ventures any nearer to the middle.
“Sorry if it’s a mess.” I say as she looks around at all the comics, magazines, exercise books, guitar paraphernalia and clothes.
“It’s not as bad as Mikey’s don’t worry.” She smiles at me and I’m caught slightly off guard. I sit at the head of my bed with my legs crossed, studying her.
“Why are you here?” I ask eventually. I sound rude but curiosity had ridden me of any manners I’d been taught.
“Amy.”
“I didn’t see that coming at all.” I reply sarcastically.
“She f*cking cried nearly all afternoon today.” I feel ashamed and my cheeks burn with it although I’m not quite sure what I was supposed to have done to upset her quite so much. “Why did you have to yell at her? It’s not like she intentionally made you jealous yesterday.”
“I’m sorry.” I mumble feeling even worse. “She hurt me ok? And now her and Gerard are all loved up and I get put on the shelf.”
“What are you talking about? They hardly looked loved up to me. In fact they haven’t said two words to each other since their little chat in the kitchen.”
“I don’t know! Maybe they’ve gone all shy with beginning of new relationship nerves or something.” I don’t know where she’s going with all this but I don’t need her assistance to feel like a complete tw*t. I know I was out of order for yelling at her and for implying those things. Can I get on with wallowing in self pity now?
“They aren’t together!” She shouts exasperatedly. My insides somersault and I feel my eyes widen slightly.
“But… I heard them talking…”
“About how last night made Amy realise she wants you?”
“What… But… She said…” It all slots into place in my head and I get torn between joy at her liking me and shame at having a go at her for little reason.
“She likes you.” Charli says again. “Well she did… I’m not sure what’s going on now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well after your little exhibition she got really upset and I know she doesn’t like how much you drink and sleep around. Not to mention the drugs. It doesn’t help that you completely rubbed it in her face earlier by saying you were going to Dean’s. We all know why you go there.”
“I didn’t do any of that earlier. I didn’t even go to Dean’s to pick up.” I admit. Annoyed at how much that one mindless comment could cost me.
“Why say it then?”
“I wanted to hurt her.” I admit. I almost expect to get slapped but instead I just feel her get up off the bed and hear her cross the room to the door.
“If you want her you need to work for her. You need to prove to her that you’re worth the risk. And you need to prove it to her friends.” She leaves and I resume my attempts to drown in Billy Talent.
I finally give up and plug my mp3 player headphones into my ears. As the first few chords of ‘Iris’ start up I close my eyes. Oh how I screw everything up.
/‘And I’d give up forever to touch you
Coz I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.
And I don’t want the world to see me
Coz I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
You can’t fight the tears that aint coming
Or the moment of truth in your lie
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive/
I run my hand up my now scarred torso before the chorus kicks in and washes me away into oblivion.
/And I don’t want the world to see me
Coz I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you... To know who I am.’/
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