FicWad

I stepped inside the well lit town house that my mother lived in. On the outside you'd never think it was a nice house. With crooked sidewalks, an oversized porch overshadowed by a large overhang, it seemed like a Norman Bates estate.

I didn't bother ringing the doorbell, she was expecting me. I walked in, taking care to wipe my feet off, as she hated dirty feet and carpets. I walked down the main hallway and into the kitchen, where I knew my mother, Gwen, and her Aunt Marg were waiting with coffee and nitpicks.

As I turned the corner, I was relieved to find no one present but my mother. Apparently Gwen and her aunt had left ahead of me, I guess they realized it'd be alot easier without them present.

"Hey ma, how are you?" I asked as I walked up to give her a hug.

She had been a beautiful woman in her day, but now, years of tearshed, stress, single parenting, and time had caught up to her. She sat relaxed, a queen in her domain of plush sofas, cushions, lace, and glass figurines.

"Hello Tyler, it's good to see you," she said with a warm smile, "Sit, and tell me just what is making your girlfriend cry?"

I sighed, "Ugh ma, she's not my girlfriend. We've been seeing each other,but we're not dating or anything."

"Just sleeping around than?" my mother interjected as she took a sip of her Earl Grey tea.

I cast her a look of disgust as well as shame, "Cripes ma, it's not like that! I mean, just what the hell did she say to you?!"

My mother smiled her knowing smile, placing her hands in her lap as she cleared her throat. She leaned forward as she spoke.

"My boy, I know things, many a things. These old eyes and ears have seen and heard more than you have in your young years. Gwen didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know. And I can't help but feel responsible for this anguish of young love. I have to be honest, I really thought you two would hit it off, date, maybe start a family some day.."

I slid back in my chair and ran my fingers through my hair, "Geez ma, just setting me up for failure.."

She chuckled softly, "Listen Tyler, I would never get you in a situation unless I knew it was of some good to you and the other person. I'll admit, there are some strong differences between you and her, but there are some strong similarities between you two as well. She says she likes you, but I know that she loves you, I know."

I really didn't want to hear all of this, I mean, I love my mother, but she really needed to back off. There were alot of things she'll never know of me. I never told her about my troubles and pains because she had had enough in her life. Her miscarriages, her husbands infidelity, his death, my near death, it was too much for her. I loved her, and wanted to spare her any further injury, emotional, physical, and mental.

She reached out a hand to clasp mine, "Tyler, I know you think that I forgave your father far too soon and easily for what he had done to us, to you especially. I didn't fully forgive him until after my first stroke. I felt that if I hated him as much as you did, and let you see it, you would never let it go, or move on with your life, because if your mother hated him everyday, in everyway, you would too. In order to move on, sometimes you have to forgive and forget. I will never forget what I saw when I found you in your room that night, never. I still have nightmares now and then, but I know that it's all said and done."

She wasn't the only one who still had nightmares about it. Alhough not as frequent as they used to be, I'd wake up feeling like it had only reoccured moments ago.

She continued, "We all make mistakes, we all mess up and hate ourselves, but the real mistake and mess up is to not make an effort to live your life from that point forward. That stroke Tyler, scared me. It made me not want to die with all this angst and hatred and vendetta in my life. I'm not asking you to give in and give up, I'm asking you to give in and give."

I gently gave her hand a squeeze, "Ma, I'm all sorts of messed up right now. I've lost two people who I thought were my friends, but weren't. I screwed around on Gwen, and I'm feeling like all of this shit, this life, it's falling apart on me. I can't figure any of this out, I mean, whoever I meet, I end up hurting...badly. I was there when Ethan killed himself, I tried to...I tried to save him...as best as I could...I-"

She silenced me with a finger to her lips, her wise green eyes staring solemnly at me, "Tyler, my son, Things might turn upside down, and when it does, it's up to you to fix it. No one can fix that which is broken without making an effort. I'm sorry for your friends deaths, I'm sorry that Gwen didn't work out, but what is it that is really vexxing you?"

I sighed and told her everything about Lola Chloe, about how she was decieved, cheated, used, abused, and spat back out. I told her how she made me feel and think. I told her that I wanted to find her and maybe even kill her. My mother frowned at that.

"Killing isn't easy, and it isn't right Tyler. Your grandfather was in World War 2, he landed on D-day and was never the same again. He ended up killing your grandmother and your Uncle, but wasn't able to get to me since I was at a friends house that night. I never told you that Son, because I didn't want you to feel that you were coming from a broken family tree, not that your father made things any better."

"What?! But you told me they died in an auto accident, them and your brother! You mean it was all untrue?!" I blurted out.

She cleared her throat before continuing, a gesture of patience, "The point is, violence is a horrid thing, that can only breed more violence and contempt. I encourage you to find this woman, and do sit down and talk to her. You havea brilliant mind and head on your shoulders Tyler, I think you and her could have alot to talk about, I really do."

"Ma, I do want to talk to her, but...I hate her. I feel like she gave me something good, some hope, some piece of clarity in my life, and now I find out that all it did was ruin things with my life! Just thinking about her..."

My mother cut me off, "How do you think she feels? From what you've told me, she's just as broken, frail, and hurt just like you. She had to do horrid things, simply horrid, to even make a mark on the literary world. And what does she have to show for it...nothing. Anyone and everyone who knew of her, are either gone or dead. Either way, no one remembers her. But you, you found this woman, this stranger in the crowd, and you fell for her work and genius. Sometimes you have to crawl in the mud to find the hidden muddy gem."

I grumbled, it was more like I had to go sifting through the ashes and swim in lakes of blood to find her.

"Find her Tyler, talk to her, and when you are done, walk away a new man. Relive your life, smile more often, choose life over grief, and for Pete's sake, pay your old mother more visits hmm?"

I smiled, a genuine smile, as I sat in my mothers kitchen, holding her hand. I felt closer with her than before.

"And who knows, maybe you and her could...start a family..."

I gawked at her with an open mouthed smile, "MA!"

She laughed and finished her tea.

I left shortly after, a new sense of life, of purpose in my heart, head, and hand.
I would call Gwen later, just to make sure she was okay, then I'd start the pursuit of Lola Chloe. I had to find her.

I would find her, even if it killed me.