FicWad

I picked up the phone, keeping the gun to my temple. No one could talk me out of this now. Too far for too long.

"Tyler? How are things going?" Gwen said cordially.

"Fine, I'm almost done here. I hope to be home soon." I lied.

"Good, yeah. I'd like to see you sometime tonight, to go over what he had talked about.." her voice calm and quiet.

"About what?" I said plainly.

"About...what was said at the cafe...you do remember...right?"

Her voice changed, it sounded more grave and frightened.

"Yes, of course. That'd be great, I'd like that..yeah.."

I heard her sigh, relieved that I remembered, "Oh good, cause..I meant every single word that I said. I mean it..I really do...Tyler..? Tyler?"

I snapped back into the conversation, "Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, just got distracted."

"Are you okay? You seem so...distant..and cold all of a sudden, is something wrong?" she asked.

I wanted to hang up, to spare her. I didn't want another casualty to this body count. But I couldn't let it end like this.

"I'm fine, things are fine on my end. I'm just, a little tired is all..." i said calmly.

"Oh, okay. Do you want me to let you go?" she said, trying not to sound sad.

I could tell she was on the verge of tears, her wanting to talk to the man she loved, who didn't really want to talk to her.

"I don't know right now, I'm just..." my voice trailed off.

"Just what?"

"I'm just...not sure if I should or not. I don't know what will happen if I do.." I said softly, my voice cracking.

"Tyler, are you sure things are okay? You sound really stressed or tired, or something. I mean, if you really want me to let you go.. I'll-"

"It's okay, just feeling under the weather is all. I think I might just crash here for the night, tired and all," my voice did sound tired all of a sudden.

"Oh okay, I guess I'll....let you go than...bye.." she said with sad disappointment.

"Wait..Gwen. Can I ask you something...before I...before I go..."

She sighed, "Yeah Tyler...what?"

She had that tone of annoyance mixed with the verge of crying. She would cry the moment I hung up, I knew she would.

"When you said you loved me..." I started to say, but bit my finger hard, to stifle a sob.
I grit my teeth, and continued, "When you said you loved me...did you really honest to God mean it?"

I heard her inhale, a slow shaky sound, as if breathing was painfully unatural for her.
It felt oddly alien to me too.

"Yes Tyler. I love you Tyler, with all my heart...body..and soul. I honestly, always have, and always will. No matter what. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, till the day we die.."

Those words cut into me, "Till the day we die." How about one of us, right here, right now.
I closed my eyes tight, how could love be so painful and sweet all at once? This was unfair, I wanted to do this, I really wanted to end this like it was supposed to.

"I love you too Gwen. I was too much of an asshole to realize it. You scared me Gwen, with your optimism, curiosity, openess, and sensitivity. I just, I needed shit to happen y'know? I needed shit to happen in order for me to realize all of this." my voice was choked up.

"All of what?" she asked.

"Nothing, nothing. I might tell you later, depending on how things go here."

I must have confused her again, because she responded with, "I still don't understand what you mean."

And I was fine with that, "Nothing, look, I gotta get going here. Whenever I finish, I'll try to call you okay?"

"Okay, talk to you soon. I love you.." she said, not knowing of what was in my other hand.

"Love you too.." I whispered as i closed the phone.

I sat silent, my head in my hands, thinking and deciding. I exhaled loudly, before bringing the gun back to my temple. I steadied myself, preparing for it all.

She popped in my head, her smile, her scent, her kiss. I tried to block it, but her laughter rang in my ears. I gripped the pistol tighter, pressing the muzzle hard against my skull. I tried to concentrate on the task, my entire hand and arm was shaking, sweat making everything slick. I exhaled again, keeping my eyes closed.

"C'mon pussy!" I thought tomyself, "You can do this! Be a fuckin man for once!"

But then the fleeting image of Lola, crashing to the street below, her white dress billowing out around her, a falling angels wings. Her look of peace, of final pure content. Everyone seemed to find that in their deaths. Why should I be any different? Why should I live?
Why?

Why not?

I slowly lowered the gun, I was sweating heavily, my hand aching and feeling cold from the tight grip I had. A trail of tears, trickled down my cheek and to my chin. I wiped them away with the back of my hand. I dropped the gun to the floor, and knelt over, burying my face in my hands and wept bitterly.