Categories > Books > Harry Potter > An American Wizard in Hogwarts
Howlers and Halloween
3 reviewsHarry receives an...interesting communique, Halloween comes and goes.
1Funny
Disclaimer: Nice men. White suits. Also the subliminal propaganda is not the responsibility of the author, only the demented minds looking for it. Only the supraliminal is the only propaganda the author is responsible for. That being said, AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!
A/N: Some people read too much into things. I had a reviewer from the last chapter tell me I was including "USA Propaganda." Just because you hate America doesn't mean that every American author is slipping some sort of subliminal pro-U.S. message in every one of his or her works. I am proud of where I live. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!
As you might be able to tell, I'm in a bad mood. I've been stewing over that person's comment ever since I got up. Until such a time as someone can prove to me without a doubt that I somehow slipped American Propaganda into my story, I will not apologize for this author's note. It seems to me that your not allowed to be proud to be an American anymore. Fucking pisses me off. I have not made one disparaging comment towards another country in this story, and if I ever do, it should be taken for the joke that it is.
If I have offended you in the last few paragraphs, I apologize for that, but only to those who don't think I intentionally put propaganda into my story. But I've done my best not to be an arrogant, Dubya supporting douchebag. And to be even indirectly accused of such is greatly insulting.
I should probably change the rating after that rant. If I forget to change the rating, PM me.
Chapter 7: Howlers and Halloween
September became October, and October was closing in on November. In mid-October, Harry received a letter from his parents announcing that his mom was pregnant. This would have been a very joyous occasion, if he hadn't received a howler in the middle of Transfiguration that sang--at a volume considered loud even for a howler--a peculiar song called "Every Sperm is Sacred,” followed by his dad, Sirius, and Matt's dad reciting a scene that somehow involved a scratched record, hovercrafts filled with eels, and some guy named Sir William, who was apparently wearing women's underwear. Not only was it loud, but it was also somehow piped into every room in the castle. Even worse, instead of bursting into flames, it would follow him around, loudly reciting dirty limericks every time someone spoke to him. This lasted about a week, as none of the teachers could get rid of, or even silence it. Every guy in school was impressed by the sheer number "There Once Was a Man From Nantucket" limericks, as it took three days to get through those, even with guys doing everything they could to trip it as often as possible.
The last thing the Howler did before it disappeared was recite a story that, according to the first sentence, came from a penthouse forum, whatever that was. Sirius was reading it, and, though Harry wasn't sure, it sounded nauseatingly like it was his dad that had written it. Sure enough, when he got to the end, It was signed "Mr. J.P.--Missouri." Harry ran to the bathroom, where he proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach. When he returned to the common room, He noticed that every boy was staring at him, but the girls appeared to not have noticed the smut that had been echoing off the walls of the common room not twenty minutes previously. Unbeknownst to Harry, a similar scene was playing out in every common room.
Halloween morning came too early. Hermione had asked the Marauder's about the spells applied to the special Howler, and by the morning of All Hallows Eve had, with the help of Matt and Harry, figured out how to apply them to a curious device that Harry's parent's had sent her for her birthday. The device was designed to magically read muggle CDs and then output the music either directly into the user's mind or throughout the room. On Halloween, at 5:57, according to Harry's clock, Hermione activated the charms, along with the device itself, and blasted everyone's eardrums out with Jimi Hendrix's rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner," followed fifteen minutes later, just as everyone was getting back to sleep, by the album "Reign in Blood," by Slayer. It had been Matt and Harry's idea to start with the American national anthem, though Hermione decided to play Slayer on her own.
Later that day, in charms, the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs were learning how to make things fly. They were working in pairs, and each pair was given a feather to work with. Harry was working with Neville, Hermione was working with Matt, and Ron had been paired up with Luna. In the course of the lesson Harry and Hermione had managed to coach their respective partners into making the feather float--quite an accomplishment given that Matt and Neville were two of the worst in practical portions of lessons, despite the fact they were always near the top in the theoretical portions.
After the lesson Ron was complaining. Not about the lesson itself, however. No, he was complaining about his partner, Luna Lovegood. "She's mental! Bloody barking! No wonder the only thing her parents ever send her is a copy of that stupid rag, The /Quibbler."/ Harry felt Matt get pushed into him, and saw a long tail of blond hair whip around the corner.
"I think she heard you," commented Harry.
Luna was absent from classes for the rest of the day. After the last class, Hermione heard a rumor from Parvati Patil about Luna barricading herself in a bathroom stall, and excused herself from the boys and went to find her. Neither girl had shown up by the time the feast started, which had Harry and Matt worried, though Ron didn't seem to notice. Harry had just finished with his chicken and dressing when Professor Quirrel rushed into the Great Hall, screaming something about a troll in the dungeons, and fainted.
As chaos reigned, Harry turned to Ron and Matt. "Hermione and Luna don't know about the troll. We've got to go find them," he told them. It didn't take long to guilt Ron into helping.
The three of them slipped away from the group as soon as they could. They eventually found the girls when a scream tore through the hallway they were in. "I think they know about the troll, now,” said Matt with a note of grim resolve. When they entered the bathroom they saw an enormous mountain troll, looking up at a vaguely club shaped lump of wood that was floating over it's head. Beyond the troll they saw Luna with her wand out, pointing at the club, with Hermione cowering under a nearby sink, managing to look embarrassed and terrified at the same time. The boys’ entrance broke Luna's concentration, causing the club to drop onto the troll's head, knocking it out.
"It's not dead, is it?" asked Hermione, cautiously, as they approached it.
"No, not yet,” replied Matt, producing a wicked looking survival knife with a foot long blade, "but it will be shortly." With that he slashed the beast's throat out.
While Matt was washing the knife of in one of the intact sinks the professors reached the bathroom. Quirrel took one look at the troll and fainted again. McGonagall managed to fight the urge to vomit, unlike Ron and Luna, though the latter was merely dry heaving, as she had not eaten since lunch. "What happened here?" the Gryffindor head of house finally managed.
Luna, who hade finally composed herself, stared at the one wall that had neither mirrors nor blood spatter, and explained, "I was in the bathroom crying because Ronald made a mean comment about my parents," the Transfiguration professor narrowed her eyes at Ron--who was finally down to dry heaves--but said nothing. "Hermione had finally convinced me to go down to the feast when the troll entered the lavatory. I cast wingardium leviosa on the club, but was distracted by the entrance of Harry, Matthew, and Ronald. The club landed on the troll's head, knocking it out." Luna seemed finished with her part of the story.
Harry picked up the explanation. "The three of us knew that the girls didn't know about the troll so we went off to find them, and--"
"Why didn't you go to a teacher?" asked a livid Professor McGonagall.
"They were all out of the hall by the time I though about it. When we reached this hallway," Harry indicated the corridor outside the doorway, "we heard a scream and rushed into the room just in time to see the club fall on the troll's head."
"Would someone care to explain how the troll's throat ended up on its current condition?" asked a tired McGonagall, rubbing a temple.
"That would be my doing, Professor," responded Matt.
"How?" asked McGonagall.
"My dad gave me a this knife for my birthday this year," He showed the professors the knife. "It's been charmed by Harry's dad and godfather to never need sharpening and to be capable of cutting through almost anything, except refined metals, and minerals with a hardness rating of 8 or higher." He did not mention the fact that a strong compulsion charm prevented anyone from handling it unless he wanted them to.
"In that case, Mr. Weasley will lose twenty points for cruelly insulting a fellow house member," Ron seemed relieved that there wasn't detention as well. "Miss Granger and Miss Lovegood will each receive five points for sheer dumb luck. For bravery in the face of mortal danger, all for the purpose of helping your housemates, you three boys will receive ten points each. Finally, Mr. Robertson, you will receive fifteen points for ending the threat posed by the troll. You will also serve a detention for carrying a concealed blade. Matt adjusted the baldric he was wearing, and the sheath was now strapped across his chest, though the magic sheath made the blade look much smaller than it actually was. With the sheath now in front, the baldric no longer blended in with his all black shirts.
On the way back to Gryffindor Tower, Ron apologized to Luna, who explained why she reacted so badly. Apparently, her mother had died in front of her on the twenty-ninth of August that year. She had actually been considering waiting a year before starting Hogwarts. Harry, Hermione, and Matt decided that, from that moment onward, no one was gonna treat her the way Ron had and get away with it--at least not without getting pranked.
In mid November Harry had his first Quidditch match. Throughout most of the match Harry was careful not to show off the full capabilities of the Peregrine 42, until he spotted the snitch, hovering near the Slytherin goalposts. The Slytherin seeker had yet to notice it. He took off in a dive, but before he got very far his broom gave a violent jerk and he lost all control.
Matt and Hermione were watching from the stands. Well, Matt was watching, Hermione was trying her best not to be noticed, as she was sitting between a shirtless half gold half scarlet Matt and Luna, who had colored her hair scarlet and painted her face gold. Additionally Luna was wearing a large hat topped with a life-sized lion's head. The three noticed Harry's predicament, and Hermione immediately set to searching the stands for the person jinxing the broom. The first likely suspect was Professor Snape. Matt reminded Hermione that Snape was friends with Lily Potter, and knew that he was dead thrice over if it could be proved that he was responsible for Harry's death. They searched more and found only one other, that being professor Quirrel. Matt immediately removed the signal mirror from his knife and flashed it at Quirrel. After a few seconds, Quirrel was apparently forced to look away.
Harry immediately set to looking for the snitch again, and this time found it right below him. He aimed the nose at the ground and took off after it. Diving at a rate of over two miles a minute and still accelerating, he had the snitch almost immediately. Unfortunately he immediately plowed into the ground and spent the next week in the hospital wing, though the first three days he was unconscious. Harry decided on the third day after waking up that he was going to be far more careful when diving from that day onward.
Thanksgiving dawned just like Halloween, except instead of "Reign in Blood" they played "Cowboys from Hell."
Though not happy that they wouldn't be allowed to return home to be with family to celebrate, Harry, Matt, and Hermione (her mom had raised her with some American customs, such as Thanksgiving and 4th of July, for instance), were determined to celebrate it none-the-less. They had even convinced Professor McGonagall to get some traditional Thanksgiving fare served at the Gryffindor table that night.
So it was that after the rude awakening, the two Americans and Hermione were to be found moshing with the three younger Weasleys. Some people joined in, but most just gave them nasty looks. Percy, or Prissy as Harry preferred to call him, tried to get them to stop, but gave up when he found himself with a mohawk wearing only a pink loincloth. Lavender made a comment on it clashing horribly with his hair as he disappeared up the stairs to the boys' dorms.
The day was rather amusing. Percy the Prefect had managed to fix the loincloth problem, but the mohawk was stuck. (He would go on to decide, three weeks later, to shave his head bald, but didn't figure out how to fix it until eleven years later.)
By this time many of the students were beginning to carry bladed weapons. Harry and Matt found it quite amusing seeing first years with claymores longer than they were tall strapped to their backs. They even noticed a Gryffindor seventh year practicing with a pair of kukris in the Common Room
That night at supper, the trio had a delicious 'Thanksgiving dinner,' but it only reminded the two Americans of what they missed about home.
They found there were some compensations, however. For one, it snowed more often at Hogwarts than it did in southeastern Missouri. For another, they would be going home for Christmas.
\m/
Questions? Comments? Plotholes? Leave a review. No one has noticed my little Monty Python reference in Chapter 4. I'll give you a hint: it's in the part in Ollivander's shop. As for the Hitchhiker's guide reference, that was in the name of Harry's broom. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states that the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything is 42.
Remember, I do not purposefully insert propaganda. Honestly, I had someone complain because I made Harry's broom from America so good. If anyone has similar complaints, here is my reasoning: First, the story takes place in 1991, when America was still riding high off of the technology boom during the cold war. Let's say that the Peregrine series is a military broom, and any on the civilian market are surplus. As it's military first, civilian second, it is not legal in professional Quidditch. Another answer for the reason why it's an American broom that is better is this: Why not? Somebody has to make the best, and I think at this point in the timeline the U.S. would be in the best position to do it, due to the aforementioned technology boom.
As for the comparisons, remember no one on the Quidditch team has ever ridden a Nimbus 2000, and can't it be the Nimbus 1999 the Peregrine 42 puts to shame?
Remember, I will answer any questions expressed in reviews, but any sleights against my beloved homeland will be met with more rants, and no one wants that, do they?
A/N: Some people read too much into things. I had a reviewer from the last chapter tell me I was including "USA Propaganda." Just because you hate America doesn't mean that every American author is slipping some sort of subliminal pro-U.S. message in every one of his or her works. I am proud of where I live. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!
As you might be able to tell, I'm in a bad mood. I've been stewing over that person's comment ever since I got up. Until such a time as someone can prove to me without a doubt that I somehow slipped American Propaganda into my story, I will not apologize for this author's note. It seems to me that your not allowed to be proud to be an American anymore. Fucking pisses me off. I have not made one disparaging comment towards another country in this story, and if I ever do, it should be taken for the joke that it is.
If I have offended you in the last few paragraphs, I apologize for that, but only to those who don't think I intentionally put propaganda into my story. But I've done my best not to be an arrogant, Dubya supporting douchebag. And to be even indirectly accused of such is greatly insulting.
I should probably change the rating after that rant. If I forget to change the rating, PM me.
Chapter 7: Howlers and Halloween
September became October, and October was closing in on November. In mid-October, Harry received a letter from his parents announcing that his mom was pregnant. This would have been a very joyous occasion, if he hadn't received a howler in the middle of Transfiguration that sang--at a volume considered loud even for a howler--a peculiar song called "Every Sperm is Sacred,” followed by his dad, Sirius, and Matt's dad reciting a scene that somehow involved a scratched record, hovercrafts filled with eels, and some guy named Sir William, who was apparently wearing women's underwear. Not only was it loud, but it was also somehow piped into every room in the castle. Even worse, instead of bursting into flames, it would follow him around, loudly reciting dirty limericks every time someone spoke to him. This lasted about a week, as none of the teachers could get rid of, or even silence it. Every guy in school was impressed by the sheer number "There Once Was a Man From Nantucket" limericks, as it took three days to get through those, even with guys doing everything they could to trip it as often as possible.
The last thing the Howler did before it disappeared was recite a story that, according to the first sentence, came from a penthouse forum, whatever that was. Sirius was reading it, and, though Harry wasn't sure, it sounded nauseatingly like it was his dad that had written it. Sure enough, when he got to the end, It was signed "Mr. J.P.--Missouri." Harry ran to the bathroom, where he proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach. When he returned to the common room, He noticed that every boy was staring at him, but the girls appeared to not have noticed the smut that had been echoing off the walls of the common room not twenty minutes previously. Unbeknownst to Harry, a similar scene was playing out in every common room.
Halloween morning came too early. Hermione had asked the Marauder's about the spells applied to the special Howler, and by the morning of All Hallows Eve had, with the help of Matt and Harry, figured out how to apply them to a curious device that Harry's parent's had sent her for her birthday. The device was designed to magically read muggle CDs and then output the music either directly into the user's mind or throughout the room. On Halloween, at 5:57, according to Harry's clock, Hermione activated the charms, along with the device itself, and blasted everyone's eardrums out with Jimi Hendrix's rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner," followed fifteen minutes later, just as everyone was getting back to sleep, by the album "Reign in Blood," by Slayer. It had been Matt and Harry's idea to start with the American national anthem, though Hermione decided to play Slayer on her own.
Later that day, in charms, the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs were learning how to make things fly. They were working in pairs, and each pair was given a feather to work with. Harry was working with Neville, Hermione was working with Matt, and Ron had been paired up with Luna. In the course of the lesson Harry and Hermione had managed to coach their respective partners into making the feather float--quite an accomplishment given that Matt and Neville were two of the worst in practical portions of lessons, despite the fact they were always near the top in the theoretical portions.
After the lesson Ron was complaining. Not about the lesson itself, however. No, he was complaining about his partner, Luna Lovegood. "She's mental! Bloody barking! No wonder the only thing her parents ever send her is a copy of that stupid rag, The /Quibbler."/ Harry felt Matt get pushed into him, and saw a long tail of blond hair whip around the corner.
"I think she heard you," commented Harry.
Luna was absent from classes for the rest of the day. After the last class, Hermione heard a rumor from Parvati Patil about Luna barricading herself in a bathroom stall, and excused herself from the boys and went to find her. Neither girl had shown up by the time the feast started, which had Harry and Matt worried, though Ron didn't seem to notice. Harry had just finished with his chicken and dressing when Professor Quirrel rushed into the Great Hall, screaming something about a troll in the dungeons, and fainted.
As chaos reigned, Harry turned to Ron and Matt. "Hermione and Luna don't know about the troll. We've got to go find them," he told them. It didn't take long to guilt Ron into helping.
The three of them slipped away from the group as soon as they could. They eventually found the girls when a scream tore through the hallway they were in. "I think they know about the troll, now,” said Matt with a note of grim resolve. When they entered the bathroom they saw an enormous mountain troll, looking up at a vaguely club shaped lump of wood that was floating over it's head. Beyond the troll they saw Luna with her wand out, pointing at the club, with Hermione cowering under a nearby sink, managing to look embarrassed and terrified at the same time. The boys’ entrance broke Luna's concentration, causing the club to drop onto the troll's head, knocking it out.
"It's not dead, is it?" asked Hermione, cautiously, as they approached it.
"No, not yet,” replied Matt, producing a wicked looking survival knife with a foot long blade, "but it will be shortly." With that he slashed the beast's throat out.
While Matt was washing the knife of in one of the intact sinks the professors reached the bathroom. Quirrel took one look at the troll and fainted again. McGonagall managed to fight the urge to vomit, unlike Ron and Luna, though the latter was merely dry heaving, as she had not eaten since lunch. "What happened here?" the Gryffindor head of house finally managed.
Luna, who hade finally composed herself, stared at the one wall that had neither mirrors nor blood spatter, and explained, "I was in the bathroom crying because Ronald made a mean comment about my parents," the Transfiguration professor narrowed her eyes at Ron--who was finally down to dry heaves--but said nothing. "Hermione had finally convinced me to go down to the feast when the troll entered the lavatory. I cast wingardium leviosa on the club, but was distracted by the entrance of Harry, Matthew, and Ronald. The club landed on the troll's head, knocking it out." Luna seemed finished with her part of the story.
Harry picked up the explanation. "The three of us knew that the girls didn't know about the troll so we went off to find them, and--"
"Why didn't you go to a teacher?" asked a livid Professor McGonagall.
"They were all out of the hall by the time I though about it. When we reached this hallway," Harry indicated the corridor outside the doorway, "we heard a scream and rushed into the room just in time to see the club fall on the troll's head."
"Would someone care to explain how the troll's throat ended up on its current condition?" asked a tired McGonagall, rubbing a temple.
"That would be my doing, Professor," responded Matt.
"How?" asked McGonagall.
"My dad gave me a this knife for my birthday this year," He showed the professors the knife. "It's been charmed by Harry's dad and godfather to never need sharpening and to be capable of cutting through almost anything, except refined metals, and minerals with a hardness rating of 8 or higher." He did not mention the fact that a strong compulsion charm prevented anyone from handling it unless he wanted them to.
"In that case, Mr. Weasley will lose twenty points for cruelly insulting a fellow house member," Ron seemed relieved that there wasn't detention as well. "Miss Granger and Miss Lovegood will each receive five points for sheer dumb luck. For bravery in the face of mortal danger, all for the purpose of helping your housemates, you three boys will receive ten points each. Finally, Mr. Robertson, you will receive fifteen points for ending the threat posed by the troll. You will also serve a detention for carrying a concealed blade. Matt adjusted the baldric he was wearing, and the sheath was now strapped across his chest, though the magic sheath made the blade look much smaller than it actually was. With the sheath now in front, the baldric no longer blended in with his all black shirts.
On the way back to Gryffindor Tower, Ron apologized to Luna, who explained why she reacted so badly. Apparently, her mother had died in front of her on the twenty-ninth of August that year. She had actually been considering waiting a year before starting Hogwarts. Harry, Hermione, and Matt decided that, from that moment onward, no one was gonna treat her the way Ron had and get away with it--at least not without getting pranked.
In mid November Harry had his first Quidditch match. Throughout most of the match Harry was careful not to show off the full capabilities of the Peregrine 42, until he spotted the snitch, hovering near the Slytherin goalposts. The Slytherin seeker had yet to notice it. He took off in a dive, but before he got very far his broom gave a violent jerk and he lost all control.
Matt and Hermione were watching from the stands. Well, Matt was watching, Hermione was trying her best not to be noticed, as she was sitting between a shirtless half gold half scarlet Matt and Luna, who had colored her hair scarlet and painted her face gold. Additionally Luna was wearing a large hat topped with a life-sized lion's head. The three noticed Harry's predicament, and Hermione immediately set to searching the stands for the person jinxing the broom. The first likely suspect was Professor Snape. Matt reminded Hermione that Snape was friends with Lily Potter, and knew that he was dead thrice over if it could be proved that he was responsible for Harry's death. They searched more and found only one other, that being professor Quirrel. Matt immediately removed the signal mirror from his knife and flashed it at Quirrel. After a few seconds, Quirrel was apparently forced to look away.
Harry immediately set to looking for the snitch again, and this time found it right below him. He aimed the nose at the ground and took off after it. Diving at a rate of over two miles a minute and still accelerating, he had the snitch almost immediately. Unfortunately he immediately plowed into the ground and spent the next week in the hospital wing, though the first three days he was unconscious. Harry decided on the third day after waking up that he was going to be far more careful when diving from that day onward.
Thanksgiving dawned just like Halloween, except instead of "Reign in Blood" they played "Cowboys from Hell."
Though not happy that they wouldn't be allowed to return home to be with family to celebrate, Harry, Matt, and Hermione (her mom had raised her with some American customs, such as Thanksgiving and 4th of July, for instance), were determined to celebrate it none-the-less. They had even convinced Professor McGonagall to get some traditional Thanksgiving fare served at the Gryffindor table that night.
So it was that after the rude awakening, the two Americans and Hermione were to be found moshing with the three younger Weasleys. Some people joined in, but most just gave them nasty looks. Percy, or Prissy as Harry preferred to call him, tried to get them to stop, but gave up when he found himself with a mohawk wearing only a pink loincloth. Lavender made a comment on it clashing horribly with his hair as he disappeared up the stairs to the boys' dorms.
The day was rather amusing. Percy the Prefect had managed to fix the loincloth problem, but the mohawk was stuck. (He would go on to decide, three weeks later, to shave his head bald, but didn't figure out how to fix it until eleven years later.)
By this time many of the students were beginning to carry bladed weapons. Harry and Matt found it quite amusing seeing first years with claymores longer than they were tall strapped to their backs. They even noticed a Gryffindor seventh year practicing with a pair of kukris in the Common Room
That night at supper, the trio had a delicious 'Thanksgiving dinner,' but it only reminded the two Americans of what they missed about home.
They found there were some compensations, however. For one, it snowed more often at Hogwarts than it did in southeastern Missouri. For another, they would be going home for Christmas.
\m/
Questions? Comments? Plotholes? Leave a review. No one has noticed my little Monty Python reference in Chapter 4. I'll give you a hint: it's in the part in Ollivander's shop. As for the Hitchhiker's guide reference, that was in the name of Harry's broom. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states that the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything is 42.
Remember, I do not purposefully insert propaganda. Honestly, I had someone complain because I made Harry's broom from America so good. If anyone has similar complaints, here is my reasoning: First, the story takes place in 1991, when America was still riding high off of the technology boom during the cold war. Let's say that the Peregrine series is a military broom, and any on the civilian market are surplus. As it's military first, civilian second, it is not legal in professional Quidditch. Another answer for the reason why it's an American broom that is better is this: Why not? Somebody has to make the best, and I think at this point in the timeline the U.S. would be in the best position to do it, due to the aforementioned technology boom.
As for the comparisons, remember no one on the Quidditch team has ever ridden a Nimbus 2000, and can't it be the Nimbus 1999 the Peregrine 42 puts to shame?
Remember, I will answer any questions expressed in reviews, but any sleights against my beloved homeland will be met with more rants, and no one wants that, do they?
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