Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Watching You
Disclaimer: I don't own Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Or Hogwarts. They all belong to JKR. Don't sue. Thanks. Please review!
I watched him, from my spot perched on the ledge of the Astronomy tower, as the wind gently kissed his face. I watched as he blew a strand of silver away from his eyes. I watched as he stared blankly at the moon, his face a perfect mask of cold indifference.
Every night, I walked up the steps of the tower to watch him from afar. Yes, from afar. Because whenever I try to go near him, he'd only yell at me to go back to where I came from and mind my own business. I knew that he didn't like me. That he'd never like me. That he never even noticed I was there for him. But I noticed him. Oh yes I did. Who didn't?
I noticed him from day one. In platform nine and three quarters, when we were both eleven. Back then; I was a naïve, stupid little girl. Still am, actually. As I watched him pull up his knees to his chest and sigh, I try to recall that first day I met Draco Malfoy. I remember it clearly, even after six years...
He was standing with his parents. I had watched from a window of a compartment in the train, as his father handed him his luggage and walked away, Narcissa right behind him. He didn't look surprised, when he was left there alone, his parents gone without even saying goodbye. He had a blank look in his eyes but I still couldn't look away from the silver orbs. But they didn't sparkle like I thought they would. They were dead. Lifeless. Deprived of their innocence. Lonely gray eyes that never knew happiness.
I remember frowning at Lucius' retreating back, already despising the man. How could he just leave his son there? Remember, I was a naïve little girl back then. I didn't know anything about broken families, abusive fathers, or uncaring mothers. I had a pretty normal family, at least I thought so. I didn't know anything about deatheaters either. Or that my father was one. But still. I couldn't imagine leaving for Hogwarts without my father hugging me goodbye. I felt sorry for Draco then, so when he looked around for a place to sit, I asked him to sit with me. "Thanks" was all he said the entire ride to Hogwarts.
Since then, I started watching him; afraid he might burst into tears. I shouldn't have bothered, because Malfoys never cry. I don't know why, but I always thought he was too uptight and that he kept his emotions too well hidden, too deep inside, too locked up for anyone to know about them. I watched over him, even though I knew he detested my doing it. I tried once or twice to talk to him privately, but he always pushed me away. "Not now, Pansy, I'd rather not. Please just go away." is all he'd ever say. I complied like I always do, but I never stopped watching. Never stopped caring.
I still remember when I'd worry about him playing pranks on Harry, Ron and Hermione, scared that he'd get injured or get caught. He always managed to get them in trouble, and he'd always spit nasty insults to provoke them. But he stopped after fifth year. He was quiet most of the time now. Alone. He hardly went with his old friends or went out with the whole female population like he used to. I didn't know what happened to him to make him act so differently. Maybe he just felt out of place, like he didn't belong. I often felt that too, when I see people look at me in disgust, like I'm a useless, heartless, evil little slut in love with the Slytherin bad boy. Sometimes I think I am, though. I don't know. All I know is I care, so I try to watch over him, to try to make up for the times no one did. Like when he got injured in our third year Care of Magical Creatures class, I burst into tears in front of everyone, because I was so scared for him. But I don't understand myself sometimes. Am I obsessed with him? Do I love him? Or am I just plain insane? I don't really know.
I always think of him nowadays. He's always on my mind. When I wake up in the morning, when I go to bed at night. I think of his silver hair, his cold eyes of steel, and his passive face. I think of his smirk, his words, and his little actions. I think of the times I used to follow him around, the times he'd push me away. I think of the times I tried to help, and the times he'd spit cruel words at my face. I cry as I remembered one particular memory...
I was walking down the stairs of the girl's dormitories when I heard a sniffle from downstairs. It was about three in the morning and I couldn't sleep so I went down to the common room. I had tiptoed slowly and saw someone hugging his knees, crying silently. It was dim, but not dim enough not to notice white blond hair. Draco. He heard me gasp and looked up at my concerned eyes. His were red and bloodshot. He angrily brushed his tears away, mad at himself for acting like a sissy and letting someone see him cry. Malfoys never cry.
"What the hell are you doing here Parkinson??? It's bloody rude to walk in on me, you know! Don't you know that I want to be alone??? Go away, bitch!" he said, his voice rough from crying and his eyes glaring. If looks could kill, I'd be dead already.
I had silently walked to where he was seated and sat beside him. "Draco? What's wrong? Why are you crying? Please tell me..." I had whispered, eyes begging him to let me in. His eyes were staring straight ahead, his ears deaf to my words. A minute passed. I could see he was trying to control his temper. Then he spoke. Or rather, yelled. So much for controlling it.
"Dammit, Parkinson! I fucking told you to leave me the hell alone! Can't you understand English??? Why are you even here??? Why are you always following me around??? Why are you always acting concerned??? Why are you pretending to even care???" I tried to cut in but he wouldn't let me. Everything spilled out of him right then and he couldn't stop talking.
"No one fucking cares about Draco Malfoy, so why should you??? I used to date every single girl in this bloody school, just to see if anyone would care, did you know that??? But nooo...none of them ever did! Not one ever loved me, or looked past my name, my looks, or my money! I stopped hanging out with my so-called friends because I knew they weren't real! They didn't know me; they never cared! No one bloody cares! So now you see me, alone, with no friends, no family, no nothing. And I accepted it," his voice lowered as he said this, and is eyes left mine to stare at his knees instead. "I accepted the fact that I will forever be alone, and that it is for the best. I don't deserve to love anyone, and to be loved by someone in return. We will only end up hurt and it will never work. I don't deserve love. I am Draco fucking Malfoy and I will forever be." He stopped talking and it was my turn to stare. My eyes were dripping with tears and I turned to face him. I caught his chin and forced him to look at me.
"Draco. Look at me, dammit! I care..." I said seriously, looking him dead in the eye. I moved to embrace him, but as I did, he pushed me away, fire burning in his eyes.
"No you don't, bitch! You're not supposed to!" he shouted.
"I do; there's nothing you can do..." I whispered, still trying to catch him in my arms. He pushed and pushed each time. The tears came freely now, from both our eyes. And then...
"Let me go, Pansy," he whispered. I started at that. He never called me by my first name. I looked at his face. He had put his mask back on. His eyes were no longer wet; it returned to its usual cold steel. He stiffened in my arms. My vision was blurry as I let go. He had stood up abruptly and walked up to his dormitory, never once looking back. I remembered how I cried myself to sleep, how I couldn't think of anything but him after that night. How I started loving him so much, it hurt.
I wanted him to be alright, to never cry, to be happy like he deserved to be. I wanted to take all his pain, to make him smile, and to see him laugh. I was surprised I cried that night. I never cried. Never. At least not for myself. I cry for Draco, because I never saw him shed a tear. I cry for Draco, because he was so cold all the time. I cry for Draco, because he didn't know I love him too much. He didn't know I care.
Love. Care. Draco received none of them. Not from his parents, that's for sure. Not from his "friends", either. I smiled sadly, because he doesn't know I can give him that. He'd never like me, or accept me. He wouldn't believe me, or ever trust me. I knew that. But I can't accept it. He has to know he'd never be alone. Never. I'm always watching over him. But you know, sometimes I wonder, would it even matter? Coz apparently, it doesn't to him.
I sat staring at his form, outlined by the moonlight, sitting quietly near the lake. A sigh escaped my lips and my eyes fell on my wrists. Angry, red slashes covered them both. Tears welled up in my eyes once again, and I felt like my heart was being crushed, being squeezed, 'til it bled and stopped beating altogether. A tight knot formed in my stomach and rose to my throat. I tried to swallow the lump, but I couldn't, through the tears that poured down my cheeks and the heart wrenching sobs that escaped me. I couldn't take it anymore. He always refused me, pushed me away, scared to let anyone near for fear of getting hurt. Why can't he see that I'm different? That I'd help him if I could, that I'm willing to risk everything, give up anything, just for him? I just want him to be happy. To make it all go away. To end his sorrow, to ease his broken heart. To try to try to piece it back together. I would even give him mine if it were losing a piece. Just to make it whole again. I'd do anything to make him happy. I don't even care if he didn't love me back. Or if he loved someone else. I'd be happy for him if he finds true happiness, even if it isn't with me. That's how much I love him. That's how much I care.
But I can't wait forever. Not like this. I can't wait for him to notice, I can't wait for him to care. I can't stand it. It's killing me.
I cried so hard as I watched him from high up in the tower. My fist was clenched around a knife, my knuckles white and my nails digging into my sweaty palms. I held a crumpled piece of parchment on my other hand and let it fall to the floor. I held the blade over my chest, and plunged it deep into my black, tainted, broken heart. I fell, Draco's beautiful face the last image in my mind, and then darkness was all I could see, as I fell to the black, endless abyss that is death.
The note lay on the floor, my own blood forming the words: "DM, even when I cease to breathe, I'll still be watching over you. I'll never stop caring. I'll never let you go. PP."
When the school found my body on the floor of the Astronomy tower, it was obviously too late. But no one missed me anyway, just like I predicted. That was why it was so easy to just end it all, to just let go of life. No one cared. No one ever loved me enough to even shed a tear for me. No one,
...except Draco.
I watched him, from my spot perched on the ledge of the Astronomy tower, as the wind gently kissed his face. I watched as he blew a strand of silver away from his eyes. I watched as he stared blankly at the moon, his face a perfect mask of cold indifference.
Every night, I walked up the steps of the tower to watch him from afar. Yes, from afar. Because whenever I try to go near him, he'd only yell at me to go back to where I came from and mind my own business. I knew that he didn't like me. That he'd never like me. That he never even noticed I was there for him. But I noticed him. Oh yes I did. Who didn't?
I noticed him from day one. In platform nine and three quarters, when we were both eleven. Back then; I was a naïve, stupid little girl. Still am, actually. As I watched him pull up his knees to his chest and sigh, I try to recall that first day I met Draco Malfoy. I remember it clearly, even after six years...
He was standing with his parents. I had watched from a window of a compartment in the train, as his father handed him his luggage and walked away, Narcissa right behind him. He didn't look surprised, when he was left there alone, his parents gone without even saying goodbye. He had a blank look in his eyes but I still couldn't look away from the silver orbs. But they didn't sparkle like I thought they would. They were dead. Lifeless. Deprived of their innocence. Lonely gray eyes that never knew happiness.
I remember frowning at Lucius' retreating back, already despising the man. How could he just leave his son there? Remember, I was a naïve little girl back then. I didn't know anything about broken families, abusive fathers, or uncaring mothers. I had a pretty normal family, at least I thought so. I didn't know anything about deatheaters either. Or that my father was one. But still. I couldn't imagine leaving for Hogwarts without my father hugging me goodbye. I felt sorry for Draco then, so when he looked around for a place to sit, I asked him to sit with me. "Thanks" was all he said the entire ride to Hogwarts.
Since then, I started watching him; afraid he might burst into tears. I shouldn't have bothered, because Malfoys never cry. I don't know why, but I always thought he was too uptight and that he kept his emotions too well hidden, too deep inside, too locked up for anyone to know about them. I watched over him, even though I knew he detested my doing it. I tried once or twice to talk to him privately, but he always pushed me away. "Not now, Pansy, I'd rather not. Please just go away." is all he'd ever say. I complied like I always do, but I never stopped watching. Never stopped caring.
I still remember when I'd worry about him playing pranks on Harry, Ron and Hermione, scared that he'd get injured or get caught. He always managed to get them in trouble, and he'd always spit nasty insults to provoke them. But he stopped after fifth year. He was quiet most of the time now. Alone. He hardly went with his old friends or went out with the whole female population like he used to. I didn't know what happened to him to make him act so differently. Maybe he just felt out of place, like he didn't belong. I often felt that too, when I see people look at me in disgust, like I'm a useless, heartless, evil little slut in love with the Slytherin bad boy. Sometimes I think I am, though. I don't know. All I know is I care, so I try to watch over him, to try to make up for the times no one did. Like when he got injured in our third year Care of Magical Creatures class, I burst into tears in front of everyone, because I was so scared for him. But I don't understand myself sometimes. Am I obsessed with him? Do I love him? Or am I just plain insane? I don't really know.
I always think of him nowadays. He's always on my mind. When I wake up in the morning, when I go to bed at night. I think of his silver hair, his cold eyes of steel, and his passive face. I think of his smirk, his words, and his little actions. I think of the times I used to follow him around, the times he'd push me away. I think of the times I tried to help, and the times he'd spit cruel words at my face. I cry as I remembered one particular memory...
I was walking down the stairs of the girl's dormitories when I heard a sniffle from downstairs. It was about three in the morning and I couldn't sleep so I went down to the common room. I had tiptoed slowly and saw someone hugging his knees, crying silently. It was dim, but not dim enough not to notice white blond hair. Draco. He heard me gasp and looked up at my concerned eyes. His were red and bloodshot. He angrily brushed his tears away, mad at himself for acting like a sissy and letting someone see him cry. Malfoys never cry.
"What the hell are you doing here Parkinson??? It's bloody rude to walk in on me, you know! Don't you know that I want to be alone??? Go away, bitch!" he said, his voice rough from crying and his eyes glaring. If looks could kill, I'd be dead already.
I had silently walked to where he was seated and sat beside him. "Draco? What's wrong? Why are you crying? Please tell me..." I had whispered, eyes begging him to let me in. His eyes were staring straight ahead, his ears deaf to my words. A minute passed. I could see he was trying to control his temper. Then he spoke. Or rather, yelled. So much for controlling it.
"Dammit, Parkinson! I fucking told you to leave me the hell alone! Can't you understand English??? Why are you even here??? Why are you always following me around??? Why are you always acting concerned??? Why are you pretending to even care???" I tried to cut in but he wouldn't let me. Everything spilled out of him right then and he couldn't stop talking.
"No one fucking cares about Draco Malfoy, so why should you??? I used to date every single girl in this bloody school, just to see if anyone would care, did you know that??? But nooo...none of them ever did! Not one ever loved me, or looked past my name, my looks, or my money! I stopped hanging out with my so-called friends because I knew they weren't real! They didn't know me; they never cared! No one bloody cares! So now you see me, alone, with no friends, no family, no nothing. And I accepted it," his voice lowered as he said this, and is eyes left mine to stare at his knees instead. "I accepted the fact that I will forever be alone, and that it is for the best. I don't deserve to love anyone, and to be loved by someone in return. We will only end up hurt and it will never work. I don't deserve love. I am Draco fucking Malfoy and I will forever be." He stopped talking and it was my turn to stare. My eyes were dripping with tears and I turned to face him. I caught his chin and forced him to look at me.
"Draco. Look at me, dammit! I care..." I said seriously, looking him dead in the eye. I moved to embrace him, but as I did, he pushed me away, fire burning in his eyes.
"No you don't, bitch! You're not supposed to!" he shouted.
"I do; there's nothing you can do..." I whispered, still trying to catch him in my arms. He pushed and pushed each time. The tears came freely now, from both our eyes. And then...
"Let me go, Pansy," he whispered. I started at that. He never called me by my first name. I looked at his face. He had put his mask back on. His eyes were no longer wet; it returned to its usual cold steel. He stiffened in my arms. My vision was blurry as I let go. He had stood up abruptly and walked up to his dormitory, never once looking back. I remembered how I cried myself to sleep, how I couldn't think of anything but him after that night. How I started loving him so much, it hurt.
I wanted him to be alright, to never cry, to be happy like he deserved to be. I wanted to take all his pain, to make him smile, and to see him laugh. I was surprised I cried that night. I never cried. Never. At least not for myself. I cry for Draco, because I never saw him shed a tear. I cry for Draco, because he was so cold all the time. I cry for Draco, because he didn't know I love him too much. He didn't know I care.
Love. Care. Draco received none of them. Not from his parents, that's for sure. Not from his "friends", either. I smiled sadly, because he doesn't know I can give him that. He'd never like me, or accept me. He wouldn't believe me, or ever trust me. I knew that. But I can't accept it. He has to know he'd never be alone. Never. I'm always watching over him. But you know, sometimes I wonder, would it even matter? Coz apparently, it doesn't to him.
I sat staring at his form, outlined by the moonlight, sitting quietly near the lake. A sigh escaped my lips and my eyes fell on my wrists. Angry, red slashes covered them both. Tears welled up in my eyes once again, and I felt like my heart was being crushed, being squeezed, 'til it bled and stopped beating altogether. A tight knot formed in my stomach and rose to my throat. I tried to swallow the lump, but I couldn't, through the tears that poured down my cheeks and the heart wrenching sobs that escaped me. I couldn't take it anymore. He always refused me, pushed me away, scared to let anyone near for fear of getting hurt. Why can't he see that I'm different? That I'd help him if I could, that I'm willing to risk everything, give up anything, just for him? I just want him to be happy. To make it all go away. To end his sorrow, to ease his broken heart. To try to try to piece it back together. I would even give him mine if it were losing a piece. Just to make it whole again. I'd do anything to make him happy. I don't even care if he didn't love me back. Or if he loved someone else. I'd be happy for him if he finds true happiness, even if it isn't with me. That's how much I love him. That's how much I care.
But I can't wait forever. Not like this. I can't wait for him to notice, I can't wait for him to care. I can't stand it. It's killing me.
I cried so hard as I watched him from high up in the tower. My fist was clenched around a knife, my knuckles white and my nails digging into my sweaty palms. I held a crumpled piece of parchment on my other hand and let it fall to the floor. I held the blade over my chest, and plunged it deep into my black, tainted, broken heart. I fell, Draco's beautiful face the last image in my mind, and then darkness was all I could see, as I fell to the black, endless abyss that is death.
The note lay on the floor, my own blood forming the words: "DM, even when I cease to breathe, I'll still be watching over you. I'll never stop caring. I'll never let you go. PP."
When the school found my body on the floor of the Astronomy tower, it was obviously too late. But no one missed me anyway, just like I predicted. That was why it was so easy to just end it all, to just let go of life. No one cared. No one ever loved me enough to even shed a tear for me. No one,
...except Draco.
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