Categories > Games > Onimusha


by Merci 1 review

The cast of Onimusha 2 set to the tune of Cinderella. Poor Jubei is forced to slave away for his wicked stepfather and sister. But that all changes when the Onimusha fairy gives him shiny armour ...

Category: Onimusha - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy, Parody - Characters: Ekei, Jubei, Kotaro, Magoichi, Oyu, Samanosuke - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2006-01-14 - Updated: 2006-01-15 - 3389 words - Complete

Author's note: This plotbunny in particular has been nibbling at my brain, consuming my thoughts for far too long, so I decided to take a break and write this out quickly. This is not supposed to be serious in any way. It's actually supposed to be funny (At least I giggled a few times while writing it).



There once was a beautiful woman and a beautiful man and they had a beautiful son, and they named him Jubei. Now, for the purpose of creating a tragic character, Jubei's father was killed suddenly, and his mother was left to raise their son on her own. As luck would have it, she caught the eye of a traveling monk named Ekei Ankokouji. He, enamoured with anything that had a pulse, married her and Jubei was once again thrust into the lifestyle to which he'd become accustomed.

Ekei had a daughter named Oyu from a previous marriage, but loved his two children equally and fairly along with his new, beautiful wife.

Oyu had been excited at the idea of having a brother and had been quick to ask Jubei to be her friend. Unfortunately for her, Jubei was a bit unstable after his father's sudden passing and mother's quick turnabout. He refused her kind approach, accusing her of plotting evil against him

Shortly after their marriage, some tragic disease that doesn't bear mentioning here struck down Jubei's nameless mother. He cried and cried, refusing any comfort or sympathy from his wickedly kind stepfather and sister.

He instead began to do an abnormally absurd amount of chores. This puzzled Ekei and Oyu, causing them to worry more and more about their self-enslaving son/brother. No matter how often they tried to talk to Jubei, he only shut them out as he continued to do the laundry, cook, re-shoe the horses, and any other myriad of tasks that could have been left up to their servants.

One day, weeks into his self-imposed slavery, Oyu approached her brother as he was angrily scrubbing at the bricks of their castle. "Jubei, you don't have to wash the castle, you know. We have servants that can do-"

"I'll get to it, wicked step-sister!" Jubei bellowed, cutting her off and making a show of wiping the tears from his eyes. "You and father give me so much to do, I barely have enough time to sleep or rest from all the chores on my plate! Just let me finish plating the bricks in gold and I'll wash your horse, woman!"

Oyu looked at him oddly, "But, Jubei, I didn't say that at all. Come with me to the fair that's in town. I'll even pay your way-"

"I can't believe you! I'm not a slave, I'm your brother!" He began weeping even harder than he had before, his tears smearing the dirt on his face.

"Uh, yeah. Alright, I'm just going to back away slowly then..." Oyu said, putting her hands up in a defensive gesture and trying to escape back into the castle. It seemed that his mother's death had driven him crazy, or perhaps he had always had problems connecting to reality. Either way, she decided it would be safer to ask if Ekei would go to the fair with her.


Ekei and Oyu left for the fair just as Jubei began to reconstruct the East wing of their castle, crying the whole time and complaining of his miserable lot in life.

"I'm worried about Jubei, father," Oyu said once their castle was out of sight.

"I know it's a sad thing, but look on the bright side," he said slapping his belly merrily, "At least we're getting a larger addition to the castle! Those things don't come cheap, you know!"

When they got to the fair they bought sugary candy and did some fun things, none of which have anything to do with this story. What they did see, however, that does influence the plot of this tale, was a large group of people gathering around a message board of sorts. One of the king's men was posting a notice and it seemed to be causing quite a stir.

"What's happening?" Ekei asked, pushing his way through the crowd. "What does it say?"

The messenger stood before the crowd and read the notice aloud for everyone to hear. "The King's son, prince Kotaro, will be throwing a ball tonight. Everyone is invited to attend!"

"A ball?" Oyu asked, "Shouldn't he be holding a town meeting to discuss the recent demon problem that we've been having?"

"Yeah!" Ekei said, resting his arm on her shoulder. "We're under attack by the demon army and he's throwing a party?!"

"Prince Kotaro thought that a town meeting would be boring and dull," the messenger said awkwardly. ". He likes parties... so he decided to have one instead."

The crowd was full of murmurs of uncertainty, but nobody else said anything against the prince. He was too well liked and everyone agreed that a party would be far more fun that discussing ways to avoid being murdered by demons.

When Ekei and Oyu returned home, the East wing had been completed and they found Jubei inside cleaning the fireplace.

"Good news!" Oyu said, walking up to her brother. "Prince Kotaro is throwing a party! We're all invited!"

The young man only sighed and wiped at the ashes that caked his cheeks. "Well I hope you have fun at your party!" he said, bitterly scrubbing at the hearth.

"But Jubei, you're invited too! Let's go pick out what we're going to wear!" Oyu was desperately trying to pull her brother away from his self-imposed chores.

"Oh," Jubei cried suddenly, "Why do I have to be cursed with such a wicked stepsister and father?" Tears began streaming down his face and he ran past Ekei, who rolled his eyes at his stepson's antics. Jubei tore up the stairs; up, up, up to the tallest tower where he liked sleeping on his bed of straw. There, he threw himself down into his pillow and cried himself to sleep. Life was so unfair.


Oyu tried several more times to convince Jubei to go to the ball with them, but her brother only took her requests for demands to prepare her dress.

"Jubei, I just wanted you to go-"

"Yes! I'll get your dress washed, wicked stepsister!" he sobbed as he scrubbed the wet garment against the soap in the washbasin. "Don't worry, you'll be at the ball in time!"

"But, I can wash my own- oh, fuck it. Get me something to eat too!" Oyu gave up. Jubei cried harder.

Ekei and Oyu left shortly afterwards for the ball. Jubei locked himself in his room to cry about how sucky his life was.

His family had left him and, then, when he felt that his life could not get any darker, a beam of light shot into his room, illuminating a figure that appeared before the stunned boy.

"Who are you?" he asked, shielding his eyes from the light.

"I am your fairy godfather... er, wait, no. That sounds too gay," the figure stated, his shoulders hunching as he thought harder. "I am the Onimusha fairy, er, just call me Samanosuke and we'll be fine." He sighed heavily, massaging his temples after his stuttered speech.

"My Onimusha father?" Jubei asked, eyes wide. "What does that mean?"

"It means I'm going to help turn you into an Onimusha so that you can go to the ball, silly," Jubei reached out to ruffle Jubei's hair but pulled back short of touching the boy. "Wait. When was the last time you had a bath?"

"My wicked step father and sister refuse to let me-"

"Oh, shut up. They try to get you to bathe every chance they get, but you refuse!" Samanosuke cut him off. "Now let me tell you something. You're not their slave, they want you to be part of the family, you're going to get a bath before I even touch you and then you're going to be an Onimusha. Any questions? No? Good!" He stomped his foot and a washbasin dropped out of the air and landed in the middle of the room.

"But I-" Jubei began, but he was bitchslapped by his Onimusha father and fell into the tub.

When he came to he had been bathed and was now dressed in the finest armour he'd ever seen in his life.

"Is this... for me?" he asked, tears brimming in his eyes as he felt the smooth surface of the armour he now wore.

"Yes, it is," Samanosuke said, proudly looking Jubei up and down. "I can't very well have you running around in rags, now can I?"

Jubei didn't know what to say. He'd never been given such fine looking clothes in his life, never mind the times that Oyu had tried buying him armour just like it. He felt overwhelmed and threw his arms around Samanosuke, "Thank you so much," he sobbed.

Samanosuke put his arms around the young Onimusha and smiled. "Your welcome," he purred, "but unless you'd like this to turn into a yaoi moment, you'd better get going to that ball."

Jubei stood back and nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes. "How do I get there?"

"Walk," Samanosuke said. "I can't afford to get you a ride there. Do you know how much that armour cost?"

"Oh, my life is so unfair," Jubei, sobbed as he began walking down the staircase and off to the ball.

Samanosuke face palmed and pulled out a flask from his pocket. At least the boy was out of his hair for now. Somewhere there was someone who owed him big time. With any luck he'd be drunk by the time Jubei got back.


There were many important and powerful people at the party, each there to enjoy themselves, and possibly form a plan to defend themselves against a demon attack. Even the famous Saiga mercenary, Magoichi Saiga, had attended, bringing with him a slew of weapons and firearms.

"That man likes his guns a bit too much," Oyu whispered to Ekei.

"Think he's overcompensating for something?" her father winked at her and laughed loudly. "I think I'll go ask him. I'm in the mood for a good fight."

Meanwhile, the famous mercenary was introducing himself to the prince; bowing lowly as he offered his most recent creation. "This, my prince, is a tanegashima. It is an improved version of the Matchlock from the previous game, and boasts slightly stronger firepower and higher accuracy."

The ninja prince regarded the gunman oddly before accepting the gift. "Why do you sound like you're reading out of a manual? And what do you mean 'game'?"

Magoichi gave the prince a boyish grin, "Well actually, I-" He was cut off as a large hand came to rest on his shoulder. He turned around to see a short, portly man looking at him. "Can I, uh, help you?" Magoichi asked.

Ekei laughed, "We're predisposed to dislike each other," he said, changing the position of his hand to wrap around the gunman's shoulder. "This is where I'm supposed to insult you and you scare the shit out of me with your gun. Then Jubei will come in and break us apart and tell us we're behaving like children."

"Uh, sure," Magoichi said, turning to Kotaro and motioning that he thought the monk had been drinking.

The prince laughed and clapped his hands together, solidifying his status as the gayest one there. "Oh, Magoichi. I would like to get to know you better. You seem like an interesting person!"

The gunman's eyebrow quirked upwards at the invitation, and opened his mouth to pursue the matter, when he was cut off by the sound of trumpets.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! May I present to you, Jubei the Onimusha!" The announcer bellowed to the crowd.

Magoichi would have ignored this newcomer and continued to pursue the prince, but he could not draw his eyes away from the figure that stood on the staircase. He was entranced by Jubei's hair as it flowed past his shoulders like black silk. The armour that covered his body left little to the imagination as it showed every line of muscle on the Onimusha's perfect body. The mercenary could not help himself as he began to approach Jubei, beginning his introductory speech halfway across the room as he walked closer. "Hi! I'm Magoichi!"

His introduction mingled with those of other people who were drawn in by Jubei's striking appearance. The Onimusha was overwhelmed as a crowd of people approached him, each inviting him to dance with them. He couldn't even begin to think of how to handle the situation.

Luckily for him, he had family that could take care of it just fine.

"Move it! Move it!" Ekei shouted, pushing people out of the way. "He's my son, and you'll have to go through me to get to him!" Oyu stood by him and glared at as many men as she could; what was she? Chopped liver?

Magoichi, who was not intimidated by Ekei or Oyu in the least, pushed through the crowd to get to the front. "May I dance with Jubei?" He asked Ekei tactfully. Hopefully the monk wouldn't react badly to him this time. "I, um, would really like to get to know him, if you know what I mean!" He winked at Ekei, but then stopped himself. "Um, what I mean is that I don't want to have sex with him! That is, I do, but not right away! I'll wait at least a week before I try to get into his pants... uh... is that okay?" He continued to dig his grave deeper and deeper while Ekei's glare became more and more severe.

Finally, when Magoichi finally gave up his attempts to impress Ekei, Jubei stepped in. He pushed his stepfather aside and pulled the mercenary out onto the dance floor. "You'll have to excuse my stepfather," he apologized as he wrapped his arms around Magoichi's broad frame. "He's evil and is always trying to keep me from having any fun."

"Uh-huh," Magoichi mumbled, not really listening to what the Onimusha was saying. "So, what are you doing after the ball?" he asked, putting his hands low around Jubei's waist and pulling the shorter man's body against his.

"Oh, I don't know," Jubei said in a singsong tone, completely oblivious to the gunman's intentions. "Probably go home and go to sleep. I've had a long day of re-building the East wing of the castle," he yawned, covering his mouth with the Oni gauntlet. "Oh, excuse me."

Magoichi thought of yawning too if he was going to have to listen to Jubei talk about something other than him all evening. He decided to make his move and trailed one hand up from the samurai's hip, slowly bringing it up the slender back until he was holding Jubei's neck. Without warning he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jubei's, pushing his tongue inside the other man's mouth, kissing him passionately.

Jubei began to give in to the handsome gunman; letting those strong hands roam across his body and wishing that it would never end.

The sound of the bell on the clock chiming startled him out of his blissful state. "Oh no!" he cried, breaking the kiss. "It's midnight! I have to get home before my armour disappears!"

Magoichi gave him a quizzical look, "What?"

"I've gotta go!" Jubei said, turning and running out the door as the bells continued to chime the witching hour.

Magoichi watched the cutest ass he'd ever seen in armour run out the door, "But Samanosuke didn't say anything about midnight..."


Jubei rushed home as fast as he could, shedding his armour along the way. "Oh, all my beautiful armour!" he cried as he shut the door behind him. "It's all disappeared!"

Samanosuke, who was watching everything from the shadows, decided not to mention how he'd just seen Jubei taking the armour off himself. He'd already decided to accept Jubei's madness and continue on with his life.

The until-recent Onimusha was panting heavily as he leaned against the stone castle wall. He'd only had a second to catch his breath before there was someone on the other side of the castle door, banging away (in a non-pornographic way).

"Who is it?" Jubei called out, too tired to take the few steps necessary to see who it was.

"Magoichi, gorgeous!" the manliest of all manly voices called out from behind the frame. "I can't let you get away from me that easily!" The door creaked dramatically as the mercenary from the ball pushed his way into the castle.

"Magoichi!" Jubei shouted, both happy and surprised. "How did you find me?"

"Oyu told me where you live. She-"

"My wicked stepsister?!" Jubei shouted, his elated demeanour quickly changing to one of outrage. "She's always raining on my parade!"

"Um, but she just wanted-" Magoichi tried to calm down the upset Samurai, but he was cut off.

"Why? Oh, why am I cursed with this terrible life?" Jubei began talking to himself, throwing his arm across his forehead in the most dramatic fashion that Magoichi had ever seen.

"Jubei, I... oh, fuck it. You really do need help. I'm going to see if prince Kotaro wants to do anything after the ball, or during the ball, or... well, I guess when I get there would be good too. He seems like the type who'd like to FEEL MY POWER!"

Jubei stopped and looked at Magoichi strangely. "That sounded like something out of a videogame."

"Um, yeah. Sorry," Magoichi apologized. "I don't know what came over me. It was almost as if I was being controlled to say it against my will."

"Yeah, same here," Jubei confessed. "I feel like someone has been making me overact to stupid things and behave really out of char-"

"Well, that's fascinating," Magoichi cut him off, "but there is a ninja in need of my attention, and since you're crazy... bye!"

The gunman turned and half-walked half-ran out the door and down the road, back to the party that Kotaro was (hopefully) still throwing.

Jubei sighed and closed the door, sulking into the parlour and throwing himself across a loveseat to cry a river. "Why do these things happen to me?" he sobbed.

"Oh, shut up," Samanosuke said, walking into the room with a glass of brandy in his hand and a television remote in the other. "You're acting weird. I suspect that your out-of-character behaviour might be influenced from somewhere outside of this world."

"Onimusha fairy!" Jubei exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Watching America's Next Top Model," Samanosuke said, sniffing. "I can't believe that Kim is getting to be such a bitch! I thought she was a nice, little lesbian."

"What?" Jubei asked, confused. "Now you're acting out of character."

"No I'm not," Samanosuke said, setting his glass down on a table and walking over to Jubei. "I've always liked... oh wait, I don't like American models. Must be more outside influence from somewhere. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that you've always had your Onimusha powers. They never left you.

"Really?" Jubei asked, a look of joy clearly plastered across his face. "Even now?"

"That's what I said," Samanosuke said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, Onimusha Fairy!" Jubei cried out, reaching out for Samanosuke and pulling the other man to sit with him. "You've made me so happy!"

Samanosuke put his arm around Jubei, the remote falling somewhere behind the cushions. "I'm glad," he said, looking at the other man with hungry eyes.

The two men kissed passionately and had mad, mad mansex for the rest of the night (right on Ekei's couch!) The next day Jubei was acting in character and he left with Samanosuke to have a bunch of Onimusha adventures and kill demons and all the other things that were expected of them.

The sex between them from that night will not be described here because it is too serious for the ridiculous nature of this story.

But I assure you that it was hot,

Very hot,

And involved the use of both their Onimusha forms at one point or another.

And they lived happily ever after.

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