- Interesting take on the situation, and one I've never seen before.
Onto the next point - have you ever tried writing in a 'stream-of-consciousness' point of view? It involves writing what the character is thinking, whether or not it actually makes sense, at the moment in which they think that. Did that make any sense?
Mainly what I'm trying to say is, I think that, rather than writing in the past tense, you might should write in the present. "How could I leave them now?" just sounds a bit uncomfortable, like they're her thoughts in the past, and it takes away a bit from the confusion and pain you have built up through the rest of the story.
I really enjoyed it. Please keep writing!
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