FicWad

I sat in the clinic garden alone, the sun was setting and I wanted nothing more than to just watch the colours fill the sky. I breathed in deeply, feeling somewhat proud of myself. Sipping my water, I reminisced about the long run I’d just had. I smiled wide as the sun completely disappeared and the light breeze cooled my hot skin.

It had been two months since I was admitted to the clinic. The first week was probably the hardest, yet most eye-opening, week of my life. I’d never felt as alone as I did in the first few days, and hearing Pete’s voice every couple of days made me realise just how far from home I actually was. His voice was the only thing that seemed to keep me sane. But after I was found trying to buy drugs off another patient all of my privileges were taken away; including all phone calls to and from Pete.

At first, the devastation of losing my lover’s voice drove me to some pretty ridiculous extremes. I acted out, like the stubborn person I most definitely was. I refused to eat anything, chose not to attend any group sessions, wouldn’t even look at the exercise machines; the only thing I did was lay in my bed, telling the nurses I wouldn’t come out unless I was allowed to speak to Pete.

Of course they never gave into my demands. And one day they took drastic action against my child-like behaviour. I was locked in Marty’s office with him, not able to go back to my room unless my hardheaded self agreed to cooperate. I shook my head, refusing to speak. I threatened to sue because what they were doing was inhumane. Still, I wasn’t allowed to leave the room.

Finally, what seemed like hours later, I broke down. Pouring out every emotion that was raging inside of me. Hate, anger, confusion, sadness, doubt, and loss. Marty sat back at took my verbal assault, not once interrupting me. Once I was done, all that remained were a couple of tears and some shaky breaths. I had let down my walls and let Marty in. And I guess it was the shove I needed to change.

And now here I was, two months later, feeling almost on top of the world. I still wasn’t allowed to speak to Pete, Marty felt that I hadn’t made all the positive changes to get better. But shit, my body and my mind wholeheartedly disagreed with him. I was no longer sickly thing, my once disgusting body was now toned and beautiful. I felt healthy. I felt almost as happy as I did when I had the drugs. Almost because nothing could ever replace the feelings they gave me.

“I was just looking for you.”

I pulled my eyes from the magnificent dusk sky to look behind me. Marty stood there, his notebook tucked securely under his arm. My wide smile grew at the sight of my ‘watcher’.

“I wanted to watch the sunset,” I whispered, although there wasn’t really a reason to whisper. It just felt fitting for the scene.

“How about we talk out here tonight?” Marty suggested as he sat down next to me, his eyes focusing on the bright star-filled sky.

I studied Marty’s face, taking in his features. His bright blue eyes seemed to sparkle when the moonlight hit them. His eyes were the complete opposite to Pete’s; Pete’s eyes were that intense brown and he could make you fall in love with him just by looking into his eyes, Marty’s were a deep ocean blue, the kind of eyes that let you know everything was okay. I much preferred to look into Pete’s eyes.


“I ran around the clinic twice today,” I told Marty proudly, the wide smile remaining on my face.

“Pete wouldn’t believe a word of it.”

The mention of Pete’s name made my smile falter slightly. I missed him so much and every day that I spent without him only added to the intensity that was building inside of me. Marty noticed the sudden change in my demeanour and pulled me into his side.

“I don’t know how I’ve survived without him,” I sulked.

“We’re going to give you your phone privilege back.”

My eyes widened and I pulled myself from Marty’s grasp. Not sure whether I had heard him correctly, I stared hard into his eyes, trying to read them. Marty nodded, knowing exactly why I was searching his eyes. I jumped up from my spot, my heart pounding hard against my chest, and ran inside the clinic.

I assumed Marty knew what I was doing and would forgive me for running from my one on one session. Hopefully he would let me make it up tomorrow.

I weaved my way through the hallways, almost forgetting where I was headed. With the recreation room in my sight I made a final sprint towards the patients phone. My fingers clumsily pressed in the familiar number, and I waited nervously for his voice to fill my head.

“Hello?” Pete groggily whispered into the phone. I sucked in a nervous breath of air, suddenly speechless as Pete’s voice echoed throughout my head. “Hello?” Pete repeated, sounding more awake this time.

“I ran around the clinic twice today,” once the words left my mouth, I slapped a hand to my forehead, realising how ridiculously stupid I must have sounded. The nerves coursed through my body, making it impossible to think straight. I wasn’t even really sure why I was nervous; it was only Pete after all.

Pete was silent for far too long, and I was starting to debate whether he had fallen back asleep. A nervous sweat began forming on my body, my hands becoming so clammy that I was scared the phone would slip from my grasp.

“Bailee?”

“The one and only,” I smiled.

Through the other line on the phone, I could hear Pete’s breathing begin to quicken. I heard more rustling as if Pete was jumping out of the bed. My forehead creased in confusion as I wondered what he was doing. A door opened and closed before Pete began talking again.

“I miss you so much,” Pete moaned into the phone.

I smiled at Pete’s reaction.

“I miss you more,” I challenged.

“I am going absolutely insane without you.”

Pete’s words once again echoed throughout my head, making me realise that I wasn’t the only one in this situation who was suffering. In some twisted way the thought of Pete missing me so much it was bringing him to the brink of sanity made a wide smile spread across my face. It felt amazing that I could mean that much to someone.

“27 more days,” I whispered.

“I’m counting down every second.”

I stood awkwardly for a moment, unsure of what to say next. I thought briefly about telling Pete about my time here, maybe explain to him why I hadn’t called, but he cut me off.

“The clinic have been keeping me updated,” Pete said suddenly, “I was so mad when they told me you tried to buy drugs. I packed all your stuff and drove it to your parents house.”

I began to panic, my breathing completely stopped and my heart pounded hard against my chest. Although I felt stronger than I ever had, I wasn’t so sure I was strong enough to handle this.

“I went on tour a couple of days later, it was terrible. I couldn’t think about anything except you. I fucked up the show every night,” Pete paused a moment, taking in a breath. “The first chance I got I flew home and moved all your stuff back. I’m pretty sure your mum hates me,” Pete chuckled.

“I’m sorry, Pete.”

Pete seemed to ignore my apology and continued, “I called the clinic every day and begged to talk to you. I even offered them money,” Pete laughed. “They told me you refused to do anything and I swear I almost left the tour to come and get you. But then they told me you were getting better. I fucking cried when they told me.”

I didn’t let out a breath of air as Pete spoke. My chest ached at the thought of Pete having to suffer that much because of me. I felt something wet on my hand and when I looked down I noticed that I had started crying.

“I got better so I wouldn’t lose you,” I said, my voice was quiet and I tried to not let Pete know I was crying.

“I’d never let you go.”