FicWad

We arrived back at the venue minutes before the buses were slated to pull out. Once the van was parked Gerard simply put his head down on the steering wheel. I touched his shoulder. “Come on, it’s been one hell of a day. Let’s try and get some sleep.”
“Fuck, I don’t want to see their faces. They think I’m drugging again. They think I’ve failed them.”
You’ve not failed anyone.” My voice was sharp. Damn, I was tired and feeling very protective of my husband. “They are you’re friends. They will believe you.”
He raised his head and looked into my eyes, “You don’t understand. They lived through all this shit with me before. They stood by me when I was a total fuck up. I understand they don’t want to go through that fucking hell again.”
“Gerard you are not doing drugs again.”
“I was wasted today. They know that. Worm getting me back to the bus today was just like old times.”
“I don’t know what happened to you today but I believe someone drugged you. We just have to figure out how it happened.”
He smiled sadly, “That’s what I want to believe too. But I don’t how it could have happened. No one gave me anything. How the fuck did I get high?”
I rubbed my forehead. “I’m tired and I can’t think straight anymore tonight.” I squeezed his hand, “We will figure this out.”
I knew he didn’t believe me. My heart was breaking cause I could see it in his eyes. “You aren’t losing your mind.” I said softly.
He nodded looking away, “Whatever you say.”
I tried to lighten the mood. “That’s a good husband. Come on. The buses need to pull out and we need to sleep.”
We walked hand in hand to the bus. I was still holding his hand tightly when we boarded. All the band members, Christa and Alicia were sitting obviously deep in discussion. It got deathly quiet when we were spotted. I prayed none of them would confront him about what had happened. Not now. He was so fragile, so close to the fucking edge again.
“Hey” Bob said breaking the silence. “We were talking about the interview we’ve got tomorrow for Rolling Stone.
God Bless Bob. He was lying I knew but at least he was trying to pretend things were okay. Sadly not even Gerard’s own brother was making that effort.
I tugged on Gerard’s hand “Goodnight” I said as we moved down the hall.
“Feeling better?” Ray’s voice stopped us.
Beside me Gerard tensed. He turned slowly. “Yeah, I’m all good.” He muttered.
“We need to talk about this.” Frank said locking eyes with Gerard.
Ray stood, “Hey, he was sick today. No big deal. The Meet & Greet went off fine. He did the concert. Give the guy a break.”
I understood Ray was trying to cover for Gerard and in essence himself. If Gerard cracked and the secret got out, he would suffer too. I smiled, “Things will be fine tomorrow. Now my husband I are going to sleep.” This time we made it down the hall and to Gerard’s bunk.
Both of us quickly changed into our sleeping clothes. Sometimes I slept in the bunk across from his but not tonight. I crawled in first and put my arms around him as soon as he laid down.
“They’ve lost faith in me.” He said softly.
“No, they’re just worried. They still believe in you.” I prayed I wasn’t lying. However when I told him “I still believe in you.” It was the truth.
He didn’t answer. He closed his eyes and shook his head. This was killing me. I had to think of a way to help him. I had to prove that someone was trying to drive him insane. I was still thinking when I noticed the change in his breathing. He was finally asleep.

I woke the next morning and immediately panicked. Gerard wasn’t next to me. My hand fell on the sheet noting that it was cold. He had been gone for a while.
“Hey” Frank’s voice startled me.
“Where’s Gerard?’ I asked trying not to let my fear color my voice.
“He’s okay.” Frank said. He heard the fear. “He’s outside drinking a cup of coffee with Mikey.”
I nodded and started to slip out of the bunk. Frank was still looking at me.
“Yes?”
“Laura, what happened yesterday? Worm told us he just suddenly got sick. Shit, he didn’t look sick when he finally showed up minutes before the concert.” He looked down at his feet. “I know the look he had on his face. I didn’t think I would ever see that fucking look again.”
I didn’t know what to say. How could I even begin to explain? I couldn’t just say someone was trying to drive my husband insane without explaining all the shit involving Merri.
Frank figured I wasn’t going to answer. “I just don’t understand. Why now? You and he seem so happy. Shit, when he married you I figured things were finally gonna be okay.”
“He and I are happy. Things aren’t always what they seem. I promise he’s fine.”
It was clear Frank didn’t believe me. He shook his head sadly, “Try to take care of him. None of us can do it anymore.” With that he walked off the bus.
I rushed to the bathroom and dressed. When I stepped out of the bus my eyes immediately spotted Gerard. He was still standing with Mikey. I tried to smile as I walked up to him. He could see the sadness in my eyes. I couldn’t hide that. He took a step towards me and put his arm around me. It wasn’t enough. Mikey understood and took the up of coffee from his other hand. Now Gerard crushed me to him. He hugged me like someone holding on for dear life.
“I love you.” He whispered.
“Ditto, Mr. Way.” I whispered back.
Bob’s voice broke the magic of the moment. “Hey, Gerard. They’re ready for you.”
I looked confused so Gerard explained, “We’re doing individual interviews. I’m up first.” He kissed me. “Hey, when I’m done I gotta make up the photo shoot I missed yesterday but maybe after that can we have lunch together?”
I smiled, “Yeah, I’ll put Jenny in charge of the Meet & Greet for tonight. That’ll give us more time.”
His smile went straight to my heart. I watched him walk off towards the media trailer that had been set up. As soon as he was out of sight I turned to Mikey, “Where’s Ray?”
“I think he and Christa were headed over to the venue to check things out.”
I nodded and turned.
“Laura, is my brother really okay?” the concern in his voice was overwhelming.
“Yeah, he’s okay.” I muttered not meeting his eyes.
“He has to be, you know? I don’t think I could function if anything happened to him.” This time I had to look at him.
“I promise you, I’ll make sure he’s okay.” I told him from the bottom of my heart.
He simply nodded. I turned and quickly went in search of Ray.


“Ray we need to talk” I said in greeting. He and Christa were seated at a secluded table drinking coffee.
He looked up, “Yeah, no shit.”
His obvious anger set me off. “Oh, so I suppose you think your friend is doing drugs again, right?”
“What the fuck am I suppose to think?”
I took a calming breath. No, actually I tried to take a calming breath. It didn’t work. “Someone slipped him something yesterday.”
Ray looked shocked. “What?”
“Someone slipped him something.” I repeated angrily.
“Is that what he says?” Christa asked
Shit, now she was pissing me off. “Yeah, that’s what he says.”
“And you believe him?” her question was a challenge. Well fuck her; I was up to the challenge.
“Yeah, I believe him. And it fucking pisses me off that his friend thinks the worsest of him without question.” I glared at Ray.
“I didn’t say I didn’t believe him.” Ray said, “Calm down, Laura. Here sit.” He stood and pulled over a chair for me. “Now tell me what happened.”
I sat down and tried to swallow my anger. “He doesn’t remember much. He was on stage checking things out when whatever shit was in system kicked in.” I paused. “He thought he saw Merri.”
Ray’s face took on a look of shock. “Oh fuck.”
“Oh fuck indeed,” I said. “And before either of you says it, he isn’t losing his mind. Someone is fucking with him. They slipped him something. All this shit about Merri it’s obvious someone is screwing with him.”
“But who?” The four of us are the only ones who know.” Ray said slowly. I could see this was hard for him to accept.
“Are you sure, Ray? Are you positive no one else knows what happened?’
He ran his hand over his face. “No one. There can’t be.”
“Well I don’t believe the ghost of Merri is haunting a man who didn’t kill her.” I said looking away from them.
“Are you sure he didn’t?” Christa said softly. Not softly enough. I turned on her.
“I swear to God, if you ever say that again Merri won’t be the only ghost.” My anger was full force now. “Gerard wouldn’t kill anyone.”
Christa recoiled from the force of my words. Ray put his hand out to touch my arm. I pulled back.
“Calm down, Laura.” His tone was angry.
“Fuck you, Ray.” I spat. “How much of Gerard’s problem is your fault? Did you tell Christa the whole story?”
He turned pale.
“Well, did you? Did you mention that you let Gerard think the whole time that he was the only one who couldn’t save her? Did you mention that you were the man she was seeing? How about you, Ray? You couldn’t save her. But no, you didn’t even fucking tell Gerard you were seeing her.”
Christa looked at Ray. Her voice shook. “Gerard didn’t know you were seeing Merri?”
Ray pushed away from the table. “This shit is never gonna end.” He walked away without looking back.
I looked at Christa who had tears in her eyes. I felt like shit. “I’m sorry,” I muttered looking at her.
“He sorta left that part out. I just assumed Gerard knew that Ray was in love with Merri.” Her tears began to fall. “I sometimes think he still is. She’s still haunting him.”
Yeah, she was still haunting Gerard too.

I had calmed down when Gerard found me an hour later.
“Ready to go?” He was smiling. It was a beautiful smile.
I suddenly remembered I hadn’t talked to Jenny. I had been so upset following my talk with Ray that it had slipped my mind. “Shit, I have to talk to Jenny. It will just take a minute.”
“No problem. I’ll be on the bus. I got a song idea I want to write down.”
I kissed him then took off to find Jenny. She was on her bus looking at a newspaper.
“Where did you get a Belleville Post?” I said looking at the paper in her hand.
Jenny glanced at me strangely, “Oh, I picked this up on one of the tables in catering. I didn’t think anyone would mind.”
I shrugged, “Probably not. Anyway, I was wondering if you could handle the Meet & Greet by yourself today?’
“Sure, no problem. Is Gerard feeling better?”
I realized people were going to question why he hadn’t attended yesterday’s event. “I think he ate something that made him sick. He’s feeling much better now.”
She smiled, “That’s good. The fans really missed him.”
“He really missed seeing them.” I answered truthfully. “So, guess I’ll see you later.” I walked back to the bus.
I was smiling as I walked up the steps and into the bus. Gerard wasn’t at the table as I expected. He must be in the back lounge I thought so I started down the hall. He was indeed there. His head was bent over his sketchbook and he was working so intently he didn’t hear me walk in. Slowly I moved closer looking down at the drawing he was sketching. It was hard not to gasp. The drawing was of Merri. Not a drawing of dead Merri like he had drawn before. This was a very alive Merri. This drawing was almost identical to the one in the bottom of my duffle bag.
Gerard sensed me standing by him. He looked up and for the life of me I couldn’t read his expression. “This is how she looked yesterday.” He said locking eyes with me.
His eyes, oh damn, his eyes were once again haunted.