FicWad

Author's Note: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, and the song "The Wind That Shakes the Barley" and lyrics are copyright Dead Can Dance. Props go to Heathenesque for pointing me in the direction of the song. Go listen. It's cool.

~`~

Perfect pitch sucks.

Edward Elric slouched in his chair, vaguely wondering if his ears were ever going to be normal again, after listening to the absolute atrocious singing talent the military employed as officers. It was rather sad to watch -- and doubly sad to listen to -- the aural trainwreck in front of him.

Roy Mustang, for all his talent in knowing everything and getting under Ed's skin, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. Not even a well-made bucket. With special tune-carrying equipment.

Maes Hughes could have been singing well... if he hadn't been drunk off his ass. Must have been all the lullabies for Elysia, but slurring the lyrics just made it sound horrid.

Major Armstrong, despite the talent for singing supposedly being "passed down through his family for generations", really wasn't much better than the Colonel. Maybe if the bucket was really sturdy, he could manage, but that was pretty unlikely.

Second Lieutenant Havoc had pitch, thank God, but his sense of rhythm was atrocious. The attempts at singing from him made Ed's equilibrium feel off, the rhythms were that terrible. It may have been because Havoc was also drunk off his ass, but Ed doubted that he's ask for an encore anytime soon. Bad rhythm made his teeth itch.

Hawkeye wasn't even going to try, and Ed was thankful for that. As pretty as her singing voice could be, he might have to hurt someone if it wasn't better than what was going on before him.

And the others under the Colonel's command were too busy laughing their asses off to even consider trying to sing.

"Man, Al, be thankful you don't have actual ears anymore. Mine are going to start bleeding from this atrocity pretty soon."

The large suit of armor sitting quietly next to Ed giggled nervously, an armored hand reaching back to rub at his helm. "They really aren't that bad, are they Brother?" he asked. While his brother was talented musically, he didn't have perfect pitch like his older sibling. Lucky bastard.

"I'm going to borrow Hawkeye's gun and shoot the Colonel in five seconds, to be honest. This is an insult to all music. If they're going to sing, they should do it right."

"...maybe you could sing for them, Brother," Al suggested, a slight teasing tone in his voice.

"No way!" The annoyed look was replaced with a sad one, and Ed sighed. "I sing for you and Mom, and maybe Elysia when Hughes isn't around. No one else deserves to hear it."

"Then you could play something?" If armor could pout, that's what this particular suit would be doing. "I miss hearing you make music."

"No way in hell. Besides; there aren't any instruments."

"...you're too stubborn for your own good, Brother," Al muttered, the pout in his tinny voice very obvious now. "It'd take a miracle to get you to sing, I guess."

"Yup. Sorry, Al." Turning back to the debacle in front of him, Ed sighed in relief. Finally, the torture-by-ear was approaching its end. "God, Colonel, about time you stopped. I don't know how much longer my ears could've taken it!"

Roy turned to face his subordinate, straightening the shirt that Maes had been hanging off of. "At least I got up and sang, Fullmetal. You don't feel like gracing us with a song? It'd do your apathetic ass good." Smirking, the Colonel took a seat on one of the bar chairs. "Unless the great Fullmetal can't sing."

Ed chuckled, the sound not happy so much as sardonic. "Of course I can sing. It's just I choose my audiences."

Roy smirked. "Sounds like you're afraid, Fullmetal."

"Not afraid. I merely employ economy in using my voice."

Havoc grinned and pulled out a cigarette. "Suuure, Ed. And all those times you've yelled were just voice exercises."

Hughes laughed, trying vainly to catch his breath. "Cut him some slack, Roy. He's going through puberty. His voice'll probably crack"

"Or squeak!" added Fury, Breda, and Falman.

"You know what I meant!" The young alchemist insisted, going red from either embarassment at his slip-up, or anger at those mocking him.

Riza paused in drinking her cocktail, looking thoughtful. "Is Ed even old enough to go through puberty, Hughes?"

Ed looked scandalized. "HAWKEYE!"

"Nah; he's not tall enough, either." Roy smirked, leaning back in his chair. "I'll just bet your singing talent's as deficient as your height."

Ed exploded. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE'D NEED A LADDER TO REACH THE MICROPHONE???"

The nonexistant sweatdrops on Al were almost visible. "He didn't say that, Brother..."

Ed humphed, and slouched back into his chair. "Just for that, I'm not singing for any of you. Ever."

Havoc grinned from the bar, downing a glass of water. "That's it, Colonel, he's done discussing. You have about as much chance of getting him up there and singing as we do seeing you in a mini-skirt, now that he's made up his mind."

Pausing midway through his sulk, Ed caught the tail-end of Havoc's comment. And started to smirk. Al looked nervous, and started edging away from the dangerous gleam in his sibling's eyes. "Edward..."

Still smirking, Ed looked up at Mustang. "Tell you what, Colonel Tone-Deaf, I'll make you a deal. I'll go up there and sing for you all. Everyone but you gets to judge how well I do. If I can sing better than you, then you go to work tomorrow... in a miniskirt." Flashing a bit of fang, Ed stood up. "Deal?"

Roy hesitated for a moment, ignoring the laughter and incredulous remarks coming from the other officers in the room. Don't take the bet and save his pride, or take it and listen to Ed's voice crack from nerves and puberty. Oh, the embarassment the young alchemist would suffer.... "Deal. But, it has to be acapella. Got it?"

Ed's grin only widened, and he made his way to the front, where the others had sung earlier. "I got just the song."

Al giggled and slipped over to Hughes' side, watching as Ed hopped onto the bar and settled in. "Why didn't you stop Colonel Mustang, Mr. Hughes?" he asked in a whisper. "You know Brother can sing."

"Why?" Hughes grinned, apparently more sober than originally thought. "Because I think it'll be funny to see Roy get beat at his own game. Besides," he continued, the smile turning almost as evil as Ed's, "it'll be nice to get a new picture of him."

Covering his giggles, Al settled in to listen to his brother, who had taken a quick swig of water and humming a little under his breath, giving Falman, Breda, and Fury a look of annoyance as they quietly made bets among themselves. Taking a steadying breath, Ed started into the song.


" o/' I sat within the valley green, I sat me with my true love
My sad heart strove the two between, the old love and the new love
The old for her, the new that made me think on our land dearly
While soft the wind blew down the glen and shook the golden barley o/' "


The entire room had gone completely silent, listening to Ed's warm tenor. Armstrong, in one corner, could be seen sniffling quietly into his handkerchief. Hawkeye had one eyebrow raised, an openly impressed look on her face.

Roy had a look of pure shock on his face, mixed with a bit of worry. Seeing that, Ed grinned, locking eyes with the Colonel as he continued, voice gaining strength.


" o/'Twas hard the woeful words to frame to break the ties that bound us
But harder still to bear the shame of foreign chains around us
And so I said, 'The mountain glen I'll meet at morning early
And I'll join the bold united men, while soft winds shake the barley' o/' "


The simple tune was haunting, wrapping around the listeners like a deceptively soft blanket. Caught in the feeling of the tune, Havoc watched in open-mouthed shock, the recently lit cigarrette falling from his mouth to smoulder on the tabletop. Damn, kid's got a voice, was his only coherent thought.


" o/'While sad I kissed away her tears, my fond arms round her flinging
When a foeman's shot burst on our ears from out the wildwood ringing
A bullet pierced my true love's side in life's young spring so early
And on my breast in blood she died while soft winds shook the barley o/'"


Al looked to be in heaven, listening to his brother sing again, as next to him Hughes appeared to be dabbing discretely at the corners of his eyes. Armstrong was by now openly crying, huge tears making trails down his cheeks. Fury was collecting his winnings, a big smile on his face. And the Colonel looked about to die from embarassment, realizing what he'd have to do the next day.

Smiling at the sight, Ed let his eyes close, warm voice expressing the sorrow of the song.


" o/'But blood for blood without remorse I've ta'en to Oulart Hollow
I've lain my true love's clay-like corpse where I full soon must follow
As round her grave I wander drear, noon, night and morning early
With breaking heart when e'er I hear the wind that shakes the barley o/'"


Taking a deep breath, Ed opened his eyes again, watching the reactions of those around him for a few moments before smirking, hopping off the table and starting past Mustang. "And here I thought you knew everything about us, Colonel. Maybe you'd better get some new spies."

"Oh, Edward Elric!" Armstrong cried, tears streaming even more from his eyes as he made to hug Ed. "What a wonderful tribute to love and war! Such a sad melody of true love cut short!"

Embarassed, Ed coughed and dodged the hug. "All right, Major, take it easy..."

Hughes sniffled a little, then straightened up. "You sang that to Elysia, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I -- wait a minute, you were EAVESDROPPING?!?!" Ed glared, looking about to punch Hughes in the face.

"I was coming up to put her to bed!" the investigator insisted, hands up in a show of peace.

That little exchange snapped the Colonel out of his stupor. "You knew he could sing?!?! And you didn't /warn me/???"

Maes gave Roy a look which clearly spoke the word 'duh'. "He sings to my daughter when he comes to visit. How couldn't I know?" Smirking, he threw an arm around his buddy. "Besides; now I get to take pictures of you tomorrow!"

Roy groaned, trying to find a hole in the floor he could sink into. "I'm doomed..."