FicWad

Title: Deleted Scenes from The Two Towers
Author: Cerasi J.
Co-Authors: Dark and ShadowKat
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's that time again!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, everything belongs to Mr. Tolkein. Third, all Monty Python references do not belong to me, (but I wish they did); they belong to Python (Monty) pictures.
Author's Note: This is a counterpart to /Deleted Scenes from The Fellowship of the Ring/. Many of the stupid jokes from the first installment [i.e. Boromir's showtune issue.] have been repeated in this story, if you haven't read the first part I suggest you do it really quick so you won't be lost. =) Second, a big thank you to my beta, (My mom!!), my co-authors ShadowKat and Dark for helping come up with these zany ideas. And to all my readers who reviewed the first installment, thank you everyone!!

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Scene Number One:

[Legolas snitches one of the photographer's still cameras and starts snapping pictures of himself.]

Legolas: "Yes! Yes!" [Snap, snap] "I am a sexy bitch, yes! I'm a tiger, meow! Yes! Yes! No! NO! And I'm spent."

Scene Number Two:

Frodo: [Sadly] "I never wanted to be a Hobbit anyway..."

Sam: o.O

Frodo: "I wanted to be a lumberjack... leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The giant Redwoods! The large, the Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The smell of fresh cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! With my best girlie by my side! We'd sing... sing... sing!"

[Arwen enters from stage left, Frodo smiles and puts his arm about her.]

Frodo: [Singing] "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay! I sleep all night, I work all day!"

Sam/Gollum/Merry/Pippin: [Dressed as Canadian Mounties] "He's a lumberjack and he's okay! He sleeps all night, he works all day!"

Frodo: "I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory!"

Sam/Gollum/Merry/Pippin: "He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory!"

Frodo: "On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea!"

[Arwen blinks but continues to smile.]

Sam/Gollum/Merry/Pippin: "He's a lumberjack and he's okay, on Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea!"

Frodo: "I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers!"

[Arwen is starting to look confused.]

Sam/Gollum/Merry/Pippin: "He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps... he likes to press wildflowers..."

Frodo: "I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars!"

Sam/Gollum/Merry/Pippin: "He's a lumberjack and he's okay! He puts on women's clothing... and hangs around in bars?"

[All look at each other, confused, camera cuts back to Frodo.]

[Arwen continues looking confused.]

Frodo: "I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra! I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear mama!"

[Sam/Gollum/Merry/Pippin all start to repeat, but realize what they are about to say. Disgusted, they get up and exit stage right.]

Arwen: "Oh! Frodo! And I thought you were so rugged!" [Arwen runs sobbing off the set.]

Scene Number Three:

Faramir: [Pokes Sam with his sword] "All right! We'll let you go if..." [He looks around to make sure no one is listening.] "You sing us every showtune you know!!"

Scene Number Four:

King Theoden: [Eyes Gimli] "And... try to lose some weight for God's sake."

Gimli: [In a really bad Scottish accent] "Oh right, Sonny Jim! You want to know why I'm so fat?! 'CAUSE I ATE A HOBBIT! HOBBIT! The other, other white meat! HOBBIT! It's what's for dinner!"

Scene Number Five:

[Gimli talks Aragorn into "tossing" him. As Gimli flies across the screen we hear...]

First Warrior: "It's a bird!"

[Fighting stops, everyone looks up.]

Second Warrior: It's a plane...!

[Everyone continues to look up.]

King Theoden: "Oh... no, wait, it's just somebody throwing a fat dwarf..." [Claps hands happily] "Carry on!" [Smiles]

[Everyone shrugs and goes back to fighting.]

Scene Number Six:

[One tree man struts around the forest.]

Tree Man: "I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, what do you think about that?"

[Tree Man rips out a handful of his own leaves to demonstrate and screams in agony.]

Scene Number Seven:

[Legolas peeks around the set to make sure no one is watching, he again picks up the camera and begins snapping pictures of himself.]

Legolas: "Yes, yes! I am a sexy b-..."

[Suddenly Arwen and Eowyn run up, bump him out of the way and begin snapping pictures of themselves.]

Scene Number Eight:

[The one Tree Man who was caught on fire runs up to the camera and points at his head.]

Burning Tree Man: "I know I'm tall and skinny, but this is ridiculous! Do I LOOK like a Goddamn MATCH to you???"

Scene Number Nine:

*Burning Tree Man Scene: Take Two*

Burning Tree Man: [Points dramatically at camera] "Only YOU can prevent forest fires."

Off Screen: "Hey Twiggy, your head's on fire!"

[Tree Man looks up and notices that his head is, indeed, set aflame.]

Burning Tree Man: "AH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"

[He runs around screaming until a fellow CGI Tree Man stomps on his head.]

Scene Number Ten:

Faramir: "Well! C'mon then! Get to it!"

Frodo/Sam: [Off key] "It's a hard knock life... for us!"

Scene Number Eleven:

Good Gollum: "Oh... master... friend..."

Bad Gollum: "Gollum, are you sure you don't have dengue fever? And have you ever thought about Rogaine? Works wonders for me you know."

Good Gollum: "Master wouldn't hurt us..." [Hiss]

Bad Gollum: "Gollum. Please, spare me the fuming of the righteous. And why in God's name are you talking to yourself? Have you taken your medication today?"

[Gollum blinks.]

Scene Number Twelve:

[The wall of Helms Deep is lined with elves and men, preparing to fight all the bad guys. Bad guys march up and everyone has a big glaring contest, King Theoden leans over and whispers something to an aide, suddenly, a... thing appears and dangles an infant child over the wall. The bad guys notice.]

Bad Guy Number One: "OH MY GOD! THEY HAVE MICHAEL JACKSON!"

[Incoherent and panicked screaming from all bad guys.]

Bad Guy Number One: "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

[Bad Guys do exactly that.]

Scene Number Thirteen:

[Frodo awakens from being stabbed by the Ringwraith, and talks to Gandalf for a moment before Lord Elrond walks in]

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins. Now take that f*ked up uncle of yours and GET THE HELL OUT*!

Scene Number Fourteen:

[Gilmil shuns his armor and struts around]

Gilmli: Oooh, baby, I'm one HOT Dwarf!

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If you made it this far, we're proud of you!