FicWad

COUNTERPARTS / PART III


Secret Touch – Rush (Lifeson, Lee, & Peart)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5mKrcOCzc8
The way out
Is the way in
The way out
Is the way in...

Out of touch
With the weather and the wind direction
With the sunrise
And the phases of the moon
Out of touch
With life in the land of the loving
With the living night
And the darkness at high noon

You can never break the chain
There is never love without pain
A gentle hand, a secret touch on the heart

Out of sync
With the rhythm of my own reactions
With the things that last
And the things that come apart
Out of sync
With love in the land of the living
A gentle hand, a secret touch on the heart

A healing hand, a secret touch on the heart

There is never love without pain
Life is a power that remains



Chapter 8


Neither Hakkai nor Sanzo had been disappointed to have the Houtou Castle party put off their arrival until the following day. Both were quite tired and emotionally drained after the visit with the doctor earlier that day. The fact that it was now steadily raining did nothing to improve either of their moods. This concerned Goku, and around five in the afternoon he stuck his head tentatively in the door of Gojyo’s room.

Sanzo was in his usual perch in the windowseat, puffing away on a cigarette and staring mindlessly out of the window. Hakkai was seated at the table, straining in the fading daylight to read a medical book he had had messengered over from a clinic in a nearby town. Hakkai looked up and beckoned Goku to enter. He looked at Sanzo and hesitantly came in, staying near the door.

“I saw the weather was getting crummy, and I just wanted to offer in case you guys needed me to go for anything. I could go bring you some dinner – any kind of carry-out you feel like tonight?”

He tried to sound quietly cheerful, but not too much – he knew how easy it was to annoy Sanzo these days, especially when it rained. So far the monk hadn’t even acknowledged his presence.

“Thank you Goku, it is very sweet of you to offer,” Hakkai said, putting down his book. He took off his monacle and rubbed his eyes, “I just can’t seem to get anywhere with this book.” He was obviously both fatigued and exasperated.

Goku switched on the lamp nearest Hakkai and a soft light flooded the table.

“Well, no wonder, with you sitting there reading in the dark like that! Aren’t you always the one telling us we’ll ruin our eyes if we do that?” he teased gently.

Hakkai smiled a tired smile, “You have me there, Goku. I know I have said that a million times just to our Sanzo here.”

At the mention of his name Sanzo’s head whipped around. He had been a million miles away, back in better times with Gojyo again. He looked at the young man standing by the door and was struck by how much older he looked… that couldn’t be Goku. The Goku he had taken out of the cave in the side of the mountain, and herded along on this infernal trip, and thumped with his harisen a thousand times - that Goku was a boy, a puppy, a punk.

This person standing by the door was a young man, almost fully-grown. He wasn’t the squirmy hyperactive saru that Sanzo thought of when he thought of Goku, either. He looked at the young man in silent wonder, and felt guilty about all the things he should have done for him over the years as his mentor and guide. When he should have been teaching him the finer points of how to behave in society and expanding his formal education he had instead brought him along on this fucking trip, exposing him to the worst kinds of violence and the dregs of society. Sanzo sighed deeply, his mind reaching a point of saturation – one guilt trip at a time he told himself. Get Gojyo straightened out and you can deal with the monkey later.

“How are you doing, Goku?” he asked him in a low, somewhat detached voice.

“I’m ok Sanzo, I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about me,” he said, as if he read the monk’s mind.

His golden eyes, as they looked at Sanzo, were filled with concern, “you just take care of Gojyo and take care of yourself – I’ll be ok.”

Sanzo locked eyes with Goku for a moment, nodded in wordless understanding, and looked back into the rainy twilight outside.

“Thank you, Goku,” said Hakkai. “I know he appreciates that.”

Goku’s eyes went to his fallen comrade on the bed, and he couldn’t hide his worry and the pain it caused him to see Gojyo fallen so low, lying so lifeless.

Hakkai noticed immediately, and stood up. “I think I will have you go get us some food. I believe I left Sanzo’s AnEx card in my room – come with me and I’ll go get it, and I’ll tell you what to get us. Excuse us, please, Sanzo,” and he herded Goku out into the hall.

They sat down on a couch in the lobby of the inn and Hakkai began telling Goku about the visit from the doctor earlier in the day, Sanzo’s reaction, and how he felt about it all. Now that he had had a little time to think about it, Hakkai had come to the sad conclusion that the doctor was probably right, that there was no way Gojyo was ever going to come out of this. And even if he did survive, he probably would be a vegetable, someone that would have to live out his days in a state-run hospital, his every physical need being tended to by medical staff. As much as he could hear his friend making a dirty joke out of that idea, he knew the cold reality of it would appall him, and it would be the last thing a vital lion of a man like Gojyo would ever want.

Goku listened intensely to everything Hakkai had to say, asking an intelligent question here and there when he needed clarification on a point. When he had finished relating all the basic information to Goku, Hakkai asked him if he had any further questions.

“So what do we do now?” the young man asked, more deadly serious than he had ever been in his life.

“What do you mean?” asked the healer.

“I mean where do we go from here? Gojyo can’t go on like this! Sanzo can’t take much more of it, and Gojyo wouldn’t want to live like this. I know him. He would rather be dead.”

Hakkai sat in stunned silence and looked at the young man before him. For all of his own theorizing and reading and thinking about the situation at hand, he had not been able to get a handle on it, to distill it down to it’s essential crux. Goku, the youngest and most inexperienced among them, had just done it in five seconds. Of course.

“Well, Goku,” he began slowly, “basically you are absolutely right. Unfortunately there are a few things that make it not quite that simple, but in essence you hit the nail right on the head.”

“What do you mean?” Goku asked.

“Well, I guess the main thing is we have no way of knowing what is going to happen with Gojyo’s condition. He is still… fluctuating. Because of the nature of the brain and what it does when it is injured and it swells.”

“But that doctor said there was no way he could ever get any better than he is now, right?

Hakkai looked down at his shoes. This was the hardest part… he felt like such a failure, to Gojyo, to all of them, “yes, Goku, that’s what he said.”

“And do you agree with him?”

“I don’t know Goku… I know I have done everything I can possibly do for him and nothing seems to help. The doctor has had a lot more training than I have and he seemed to know what he was talking about. I also know I am very tired of seeing Gojyo like this… it’s just so unbearably sad. And you are right. It’s just killing Sanzo.”

By the time he ended his voice was down to a whisper and there were large tears in the corners of his eyes. Cho Hakkai had not cried since that day long ago when his wife had taken her life in that dank dirty cell. But he was reaching his limits, dealing with the pain of his friends, as well as his own.

Goku thought for a minute, and spoke in a voice that sounded more like a man’s voice than Hakkai had ever heard from his young friend before. “Hakkai, you know I love Gojyo like a brother, right? He means the world to me, and I would give my life to make him better now if I could. But it seems to me if nothing’s gonna bring him back to us the way he was, then the best thing we can do for him is to let him go. And we are going to have to help Sanzo let go of him, too.”

“Oh Gods, Goku…” Hakkai was so overwhelmed by the gentle wisdom and the ultimate import of what his young friend had said that the dam finally broke. All the tears that he had been holding back since Gojyo had been so gravely hurt came flooding out and his slender shoulders shook as he sobbed.

Goku put his arms around him and held him, totally heedless of what any passers-by might think as he comforted his friend. “You let it go, Hakkai. You have been so strong for so long, you always take such good care of all of us, let me take care of you for once. I know how much he means to you and how hard this has been for you.” He hugged the slender man close to him and held him close while he wept.

After a few minutes Hakkai started to regain his composure and was immediately embarrassed by what he had done.

“Oh my, Goku, I’m sorry for putting on such a display,” he said as he sniffled and pulled a pocket square out of his tunic pocket. “It’s not like me to be so overcome.” He tried to put on one of his brave smiles as he blew his nose as delicately as possible.

Goku smiled broadly at the healer – it was so unusual to see him so discombobulated. He ruffled his dark chestnut hair and teased, “maybe you should do it more often! Prob’ly be good for you!”

Hakkai smiled at the turnabout of their roles, Goku usually being the one getting the lecture and the hair-mussing. He had to admit he did feel better for having let out the pent up tears.

Goku looked him up and down and said,”you look like you could use a good meal, and from what I saw of Sanzo up there, he looked like he hadn’t had one in months – or a good nights’ sleep, either.”

“Yes, I suppose I should eat. It’s not so easy to get him to, though. It’s almost like he has decided he won’t eat until Gojyo is eating with us again… The Gods know, I’ve tried.”

“Well, you know he wouldn’t listen to me – I’d just piss him off.”

“I don’t know about that, saru,” Hakkai replied, smiling and ruffling the young man’s thick brown hair exaggeratedly, “I think if we can ever get him to snap out of this funk of pain that he is in and really notice you, I think he is going to be very pleasantly surprised and proud.”




**********


Dear Hakkai,

Just wanted to let you know that we arrived during the night, having been able to resolve the situation at home and get away earlier than we anticipated. Sorry I was unable to explain the situation in the telegram, but please allow me to clarify it now.

Apparently Lady Gyokumen Kyoshu got wind of the fact that we were planning to come to this village in order for Dokugakugi to visit with his brother. We don’t know how she found out. Lirin was under strict orders not to tell anyone, but between Dr. Ni and Dr. Hwang, they are frighteningly good at getting information from people sometimes, so that may have been how it happened.

We were preparing to depart when Lady Gyokumen summoned my Lord Kougaiji to her quarters and began giving him royal commands, claiming he was not to have any interactions with the Sanzo-ikkou without her express permission. She also vexed Lord Kougaiji greatly by telling him that if he did have any interactions with the Sanzo-ikkou at all, he dare not return to Houtou Castle without the Maten Scripture, or face her wrath. When he argued this point with her and explained that we were only going to accompany Dokugakuji to see his gravely ill brother, she ordered her minions to stable all of the flying dragons in hidden locations until Lord Kougaiji would concede to her demands.

Needless to say, this vexed both Lord Kougaiji and Dokugakuji to the extreme. Fortunately Doku was able to locate the stable hand that had actually hidden the dragons, and with the appropriate application of force, the foolish man revealed where they were hidden and we were able to leave as planned, albeit a little behind schedule. I don’t envy that stable hand when Lady Gyokumen Kyoshu rises this morning and realizes we are gone. I expect he will be on the receiving end of new uses for the riding crop that he had never experienced before!

I am so very sorry for the reason we are here, but I am glad we have finally arrived, and I must admit I am truly looking forward to seeing you, Hakkai.

Yours,

Yaone




Chapter 9


Hakkai had actually managed to get a bit of sleep that night, possibly because he had eaten a decent meal from the food Goku had brought back to the room for them. He had little luck getting Sanzo to eat much, but he had eaten a little rice with some tofu and vegetables, so that was at least something.

As Hakkai got out of bed and stretched, aligning both his chi and his spine, he found an envelope of the hotel stationary near the door to his room. He opened it and smiled to himself when he read that Yaone and the Houtou party had arrived overnight. He had to admit that he had truly been enjoying his correspondence with Yaone recently. He would have felt guilty about it if he had not known that Gojyo would approve – he had never made a secret of the fact that he thought Hakkai and Yaone “would make a cute couple.”

Although he had always found her very attractive, Hakkai had always dismissed Gojyo’s notions on that subject as romantic nonsense. He had no time for such things with all his responsibilities with the Sanzo-ikkou. Besides, he was still grieving Kanan for the longest time, and it was only recently that he had been able to think of her without being overwhelmed by sadness. He was finally beginning to be able to remember the good times he and Kanan had together instead of the horribly traumatic way their life together ended, and he supposed that must mean that his heart was slowly finally starting to heal.

He had found himself thinking about Yaone frequently over the past several months, even more so in the time since Gojyo had been injured and he had been corresponding with her. On the occasions when the Houtou group and the Sanzo-ikkou had met in battle, he and Yaone had frequently ended up opposing each other – it was only natural given that theirs were the two weapons that were non-contact. Their weaponry involved manipulating forces and chemistries rather than objects to impact the opponent, his chi cannon and her formulas for various toxic vapors and other chemical interventions. But if Hakkai was to be brutally honest with himself, he couldn’t remember a single battle involving her where he had actually aimed a chi cannon fire at Yaone with deadly intent. He had somehow always managed to keep his tactics where she was concerned diversionary rather than destructive.

When he and Yaone had met off of the battlefield, there had always been a pull there, a recognition like looking in a mirror that makes you look so very beautiful, you can’t help but look, and look again. He knew Yaone was much like himself – that much was obvious even to the most casual observer. Both were exceedingly well-mannered and polite, both staunchly loyal to their leaders that had saved them from dire fates as well as to their small extended families, both natural caretakers of others, often to the point of self-sacrifice.

But when Hakkai looked at Yaone he saw so much more… Her gentle grace showed in everything she did, from the way she rode their large dragons to her manner with the wild child Lirin. Her beauty, which he had tried to ignore at first, became clearer and crystallized for Hakkai as time went on. His impression of her appearance had drastically changed from his first uncomfortable feeling that she looked vaguely like Kanan. He had gradually started to perceive her as her own person, and when he looked at her now he saw her for the beauty she truly was, and he was astonished by it. Her hourglass figure, her large soulful eyes and small sweet mouth, her beautiful long hair, and her shapely long limbs sheathed in their usual white arm-warmers and stockings all haunted his thoughts from time to time now, as well as his dreams.

But none of this meant anything, he knew, and he tried as always to push it out of his mind, because he could never allow himself to love again. More accurately, to be loved again was what he must avoid at all costs. He had loved Kanan, had encouraged her to take the chance on their love despite the forbidden nature of it, and he had not been there to protect her when she needed him most. Her devastation was proof of his failure and his unworthiness for any future love in his life. He must content himself with the friends that he had, and that must be enough for him. It was more than he deserved.

He must simply stop any silly speculations, he told himself, Gojyo and his romantic notions notwithstanding. There was no way a woman like Yaone could ever be interested in him, nor should she. She simply considered him a colleague in the healing arts and an advocate of gentility and manners like herself. Those were their shared bonds and that was all there was to it. There could never be anything more.

He squared his shoulders, straightened his monacle on his nose, and dressed for his day, tugging his tunic and scarf into perfect order. His shoulders sagged slightly as he remembered what lay ahead of him, that before he even had his first cup of tea he had to go check to see how Gojyo had fared during the night. Worse still he had to relay the bad news delivered by the doctor to Gojyo’s brother, and he didn’t look forward to that. Knowing that there was no putting it off any longer, he tucked Yaone’s note in the drawer with all her other ones and went on his way.

Unfortunately it had not been a good night for the patient. Sanzo had reported to him around 3:30 a.m. that Gojyo had been restless some of the time, with grimaces coming and going across his face throughout the night. Hakkai checked his vital signs, and his pulse seemed to be getting weaker, and his breathing shallower, which disturbed him. He also noticed when he tried to give him his prescription the doctor had left for him, dissolved in water, that Gojyo seemed to be having more trouble swallowing and to be choking more easily. None of this boded well, and it began to look like a long, slow decline was not to be in the cards for his friend. Hakkai felt an odd mixture of grief and guilty relief at the thought… he didn’t know how much longer he could keep up this charade that there might still be hope when in his heart of hearts he truly felt it was time to start saying goodbye.

Hakka’s heart clutched at the thought as he looked at the thin wan face of this friend, this man he had fought alongside, traveled with, drunk with, laughed with, lived with, and come to truly love in the time since Sha Gojyo had saved his life on that first fateful day. Hakkai had seen more death than any of the rest of the Sanzo-ikkou, but he wondered if he was really ready to deal with this one… another death of someone he loved so much… did the pain ever stop? Is this all there is to life, loving people so much, only to lose them just as you were really getting to know them, just as love was starting to grow…

He realized if he let his mind run on unfettered like that he’d never make it through the day in one piece, and he steeled himself for what he knew he had to do next. Sanzo had dozed off in the windowseat after he had reported in to Hakkai about Gojyo’s night, obviously exhausted by yet another sleepless night.

Hakkai slipped out of the room quietly and went downstairs and ordered a large pot each of tea and coffee with a full service and six cups. He also ordered some fresh fruit and a basket of assorted breads and jams to go with them, figuring that between his group and their guests someone might want a bite to eat at some point. He asked the desk clerk that they keep the coffee and tea service refreshed periodically during through the day and on into the night until told to stop. Hakkai was thinking this might truly be a very long and difficult day.

When he stepped quietly back into the room Sanzo was still dozing, He walked over to him and studied his sleeping friend. His beautiful golden hair had gotten long and scruffy, and was badly in need of a trim. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in over a week, and his face underneath the light stubble was ghastly pale and thin. Sanzo had always been a slender man, but his poor nutrition since Gojyo’s injury had left him looking gaunt and haunted. His shirt was untucked, his jeans dirty, and one of his sandals was coming apart at the seams. A person who had only known Priest Genjyo Sanzo in his relatively soft days in the temple would never have recognized this sad figure that was sleeping here before him.

Hakkai wondered what would happen to all of them when Gojyo was gone, but he worried about Sanzo the most. Keeping his feelings bottle up so thoroughly as he did, and trying to maintain his image of needing no one was hard enough on Sanzo when things were going well. Hakkai had known enough of what was going on between the two of them and of had perceived the changes it was effecting on Sanzo. To have that rug so cruelly pulled out from under him now might well be more than the man could stand, and he might well crack. It was a phenomenon Hakkai understood all too well.

He reached out and shook Sanzo gently by the shoulder, “oi, Sanzo. Dokugakuji and the rest will be here soon. Would you like to clean up a bit before they get here?”

Sanzo awakened immediately, startled and instinctively reaching for his gun, which of course he didn’t have on him. He looked blankly at Hakkai and then surveyed the room. Nothing had changed other than the fact that Gojyo looked even worse than he had last night. His brow was knitted up constantly now in an expression of what seemed to be perpetual pain, and his breathing had taken on a raspy rattle now that even Sanzo knew was not a good sign.

“Sanzo, Dokugakiji and the others are here, and he would like to see Gojyo now.”

“He didn’t bring that brat girl with him, did he?”

“No, it’s just Doku, Kougaiji, and Yaone - they got in late last night. The desk clerk said they left word for us to send for them when we were ready.”

“I guess there’s no avoiding it then. Let’s get it over with,” he sighed tiredly, lighting a cigarette.

“Sanzo, I’m having some coffee and tea and some food sent up. When it gets here, I really wish you would eat something – you’re getting terribly thin. I don’t need two patients on my hands,” an edge of crossness slipped into Hakkai’s voice as he spoke, and he immediately regretted it. It wore on him sometimes, though, having to constantly tell grown men to do things for themselves they should damn well know enough to do without being told. But he realized today, everything was wearing on him, and Cho Hakkai felt old beyond his years, and tired beyond what sleep could ever repair.

He looked at Sanzo sadly and touched him gently on the shoulder.

“Gojyo would hate for the Houtou people to see you looking this bad, Sanzo… you’re a Sanzo priest, and you are our leader. He was… is .. so proud of that. Take a few minutes and clean up before I call them all in to see him, please, for him?” He pointed at Gojyo in the bed nearby.

Sanzo knew in his heart that what Hakkai said was the truth.

“Oh, for fuck sake. You’d think the Dalai Lama himself was coming for an audience. Whatever.”

Grumbling under his breath all the way, he stubbed out his cigarette and grabbed some clothes from a drawer and headed into the shower.

Hakkai fussed about the room nervously, straightening up and emptying the eternally-full ashtrays. He carefully put Gojyo in a fresh t-shirt and pajama pants, and brushed his hair gently till it shone like he knew the kappa liked it to. He did his best to get the trademark antennae to stand at attention, but for some reason since his injury they had been as limp and lifeless as their owner.

The whole time Hakkai worked on Gojyo’s still form he kept up a running commentary, telling Gojyo what he was doing, and chatting about the events of the day. As he was washing his friend’s face he told him that his brother was here to see him, and leaned in close to tell him conspiratorially that Yaone was there as well, and that he was looking forward to seeing her.

As he washed Gojyo’s face he moved the cloth carefully over the scars that were the constant reminder of the hanyou’s cruel start in life. He knew his friend hated the scars, and that he had first grown his red hair long in an attempt to hide them. But Hakkai had always thought they were part of Gojyo’s singular beauty, part of what made him the distinctively attractive being that he was. They took his pretty boy face and gave it character, making him classically handsome like the legendary heroes of epics from days bygone.

Hakkai carefully made the bed around Gojyo’s still form and crossed his hands over each other on top of the covers. The movement and jostling from Hakkai’s efforts apparently had been a strain on Gojyo, even though the healer had been as gentle as he could possibly be. Gojyo’s breathing became more ragged and scowls ghosted over his face as if he were fighting some unseen foe. Hakkai stroked his forehead gently and tried to calm him, speaking to him in low, level tones, and assuring him everything was going to be alright.

Suddenly Gojyo’s breath caught and then there was a deadly silence in the room. It took Hakkai a moment to realize what had happened before horror ripped through his mind and he felt a rush of adrenaline, leaving his heart hammering and a sickening feeling in his gut. A single dominant thought overtook it all, mobilizing his body and brain into immediate coordinated action.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“No you don’t not now not with me here alone you bastard we’re not ready it’s too early you cant go not yet!”!

The words bounced through his mind like light-speed pinballs as he jumped up beside Gojyo in the bed.

“Not now you dickhead,” he thought as he pinched off Gojyo’s nose and blew two quick breaths into it and felt the artery in his neck for a pulse.

“People need a goddamn chance to say goodbye you motherfucking asshole!”

He placed his stacked hands over Gojyo’s breastbone and rocked back and forth pressing down on the kappa’s chest and counting out the fifteen compressions. As he did the compressions he concentrated on pouring as much of his chi into Gojyo through his hands into the kappa’s chest as he possibly could.

“I – will- not – let – you – die – now – it’s – not – the – right – time – yet - you – rat - bastard!”

With that he blew two more breaths into Gojyo’s mouth, and nearly fainted with relief when he heard a raspy breath come out of his friend on its own. He was breathing again and had a pulse – both were weak but he would take what he could get.

At that moment Sanzo came out into the room from the shower, dressed in clean clothes and toweling off his hair. He found Hakkai kneeling on the bed next to Gojyo, pale as a sheet, trembling, and drenched with sweat. His monacle had fallen off and was on the floor by the bed, and his scarf was down around his waist.

“Would you care to explain to me just what the fuck you are doing?” he asked dryly.

Hakkai looked down at himself in his state of disarray and realized how it must look- the irony of it made him smile in spite of everything.

“Yes, I suppose this must look rather interesting. Thank you.”

He took his monacle which Sanzo had retrieved from the floor for him and climbed off of the bed slowly. As he stood his legs started to buckle under him and he caught hold of the window frame for support and lowered himself down into the windowseat to sit. He set about straightening himself up as he explained to Sanzo what had happened.

Sanzo sat opposite him on the windowseat, dumfounded by what had happened. His mind refused to process that Gojyo had basically died while he was in the stupid fucking shower, and that if Hakkai hadn’t been there and known what to do, Gojyo would be gone now.

“You must have it wrong… he must have just been having a …a fit .. of some kind.”

“No, Sanzo. He was gone. No pulse, no breathing. I may not be a medical doctor but I know that much.”

“But he’s not that sick yet. There’s still some chance he could come back from this. I know how hard-headed he is. When he wants something bad enough he never gives up, goddamnit.”

“Sanzo, I know this is hard… it isn’t easy for any of us. We all love Gojyo. But I was explaining it all to Goku yesterday, and he put it better and simpler than I ever could. Gojyo would not want to live like this. It’s time for us to let him go.”

“Bullshit. I’m not listening to this. What does the monkey know – he’s just a kid.”

“I know this hurts…

“You have no idea…

“I know you are really hurting, Sanzo. I am, too – I’m losing my best friend. But we have to think of what’s best for Gojyo, don’t we?

“What’s best for Gojyo is for him to be here with us riding in jippu heading west. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

His mouth was set firmly in a grim line, his eyes so narrow they were almost shut.

Hakkai sighed. He knew all too well the deep pain and frustration when the life that you are living veers off wildly from the life that you know you want to have, when happiness is in your grasp and then is suddenly cruelly ripped away. He would have given anything not to have to talk like this to Sanzo, and he could tell that right now he wasn’t going to get any further with him anyway. Rather than aggravate him more, he decided to let it go for now and see if any of the others would have any better luck in convincing Sanzo to accept the inevitable.

He busied himself with very gently straightening out the bed around Gojyo again, and checking his vital signs. His breathing was shallow and ragged, but showed no signs of stopping again.

“I think we’d better get Dokugakuji in here right away. I believe Goku needs a chance to see Gojyo as well.”

The unspoken coda to his sentences, of course was “to say goodbye.”

He touched Sanzo’s shoulder lightly as he passed him on his way to go call the others in to see their fallen comrade. It was simply an instinctive gesture of comfort and commiseration. Normally he would never have done such a thing with Sanzo, and it was a measure of the severity of the situation that he had done it then without a second thought. It was even more telling that Sanzo did not flinch from his touch or bat it away.

Given what had happened with Gojyo while Sanzo was in the shower, Hakkai was hesitant to leave the room for long so he went to Goku’s room first, and not finding him there went to the hotel café where he found him finishing a large breakfast. It did his heart good to see that in this whole unhappy mess at least one thing remained constant, that the saru’s appetite remained undiminished. He asked Goku to round up the Houtou folks from their rooms as soon as he finished and bring them in to see Sanzo. When Goku asked how his kappa friend was doing, Hakkai smiled wanly and said he needed to get back to the room, and he would rather explain everything to all of them at the same time. Goku nodded, and Hakkai headed back to the room.

When he returned, the coffee and tea service had been delivered and Sanzo was settled back in his windowseat perch with a cup of coffee, nibbling desultorily on a small piece of fruit.

As Hakkai entered Sanzo held the fruit up and said, “see, I’m eating, now will you leave me alone about it?”

“Well, I’d hardly call that a substitute for a real meal but I suppose it’s better than nothing,” he conceded.

Hakkai pulled all the chairs from around the room to the table and realized he still only had four, and quickly ran to his own room and brought two back to make the necessary six. Just as he was finishing up these arrangements there was a soft tap at the door and Goku poked his head in.

“I found them all – ok to come in?”

“Certainly. Welcome, all of you,” Hakkai did the best he could to play the gracious host under the circumstances, greeting everyone and making them comfortable at the table with tea or coffee.

Sanzo remained sullenly at his post in the windowseat, having greeted all of them only with the barest of greetings he could get away with without being blatantly rude. When he and Kougaiji greeted each other there was a split-second moment of frozen glare, like two dominant wolves sizing each other up when neither is willing to cede the lead role to the other.

Yaone and Hakkai bowed deeply to each other, and for the second time that day his adrenaline surged as their eyes met. He noticed she was dressed differently than he had ever seen her, in a sleeveless high-necked dress of emerald green embossed silk with black velvet arm-warmers, and black boots and tights. The dress had a wide belt of the same fabric as the dress pulled tightly around Yaone’s waist and tied in a large trailing bow in the rear, and the cinching effect of the belt accentuated her sensual, curvaceous youkai figure. Hakkai felt a flush creeping up his cheeks as he looked at her and struggled to make normal conversation.

“I’m so glad you are finally here,” he said, spontaneously taking one of her delicate hands and holding it in both of his. “I can’t tell you what your letters have meant to me.”

Yaone covered his hand with her free one and squeezed gently, “I too, am glad to see you, Hakkai, though I am so very sorry of the circumstances, and I have very much enjoyed getting your letters. I only wish there was more I could have done to help you.”

Neither seemed inclined to let go of the other’s clasped hands.

Hakkai recovered himself, “just having you here is a wonderful help, Yaone. It means very much to me that you came. And I know it would mean a lot to Gojyo to know that all of you are here.”

Yaone glanced over to Dokugakuji standing by Gojyo’s bed. He had summarily greeted everybody and gone straight to his brother, and stood there wordlessly since. Hakkai followed her eyes and they both went to his side.

“He looks so bad, I know it must be a shock,” Hakkai said as soothingly as he could. “I’m so sorry – if I had known he was going to go downhill this fast I would have insisted you come much sooner.”

“Oh, Hakkai,” Yaone said, touching his arm consolingly, “there’s no way you could have known. Nobody blames you… We all know you have been doing everything you can to save him.”

Doku finally looked up at Hakkai with confusion and pain written all over his face. The healer knew there was nothing else for it but for them all to sit down together and talk it out. He guided Gojyo’s brother and Yaone to the table where Goku and Kougaiji were waiting, and offered them tea or coffee as they sat.

“Sanzo, would you please come join us over here?”

“I’d rather stay where I am, thank you very much,’ he sounded somewhat like a petulant child, and Hakkai held his patience because he understood the agonies of self-imposed hell the priest was suffering.

He walked over and sat by him, speaking softly, “Please Sanzo, for Gojyo, and for me, this is his family, and our family, and we need to be together to talk about this. Please.”

Sanzo shot Hakkai a look that told him he would rather red-hot skewers into his own eyes than do what Hakkai asked of him, but he rose and followed Hakkai to the table, sitting reluctantly between Hakkai and Yaone. Goku sat directly opposite him, and was watching him carefully, studying his every move. Sanzo glanced briefly around the table at the assemblage, and when his eyes caught Goku’s he rested there for a brief minute. The young man met his gaze steadily, with deep compassion and sorrow mirrored in his large golden eyes. Sanzo cut his eyes from Goku over to Gojyo’s still form in the bed, and slumped down in his chair.



Chapter 10


“Kenren, do you hear me?” Kanzeon lifted the heavy eyelid and got no response.

“KENREN! DO you HEAR me!” she tried again, in his ear this time.

Gojyo felt a warm breath stirring his ear. His first thought was a happy one.

“Hot damn, Sanzo must be feeling frisky! This oughta be good!” It was always more interesting on the rare occasions when Sanzo initiated their lovemaking sessions.

“KENREN, I want you to wake up right NOW!” Louder this time.

“Wait a minute….”

Gojyo’s mind was hazy and he tried to get his bearings. He felt like he was swimming up from deep underwater.

“Wait… that voice – it didn’t sound like Sanzo. And whoever it was sure didn’t smell like Sanzo either… “

He started to feel more oriented in his body, and decided he could safely open one eye. A large violet one the color of Sanzo’s stared back at him, but this one wasn’t surrounded by long blonde lashes like Sanzo’s. This eye had thick, dark lashes.

“Hold it, was Sanzo wearing mascara now?… What kind of kink did the monk have in mind tonight?”

Emboldened now to open both eyes, Gojyo realized immediately the person barking orders at him wasn’t Sanzo, unless Sanzo had gone through some very serious changes.

“Wait a minute… I’ve had seen this broad before somewhere…”

He realized he was laying stretched out on some kind of cold surface, and he sat up on his elbows and looked around. The woman stood up and looked down on him, shaking her head ruefully.

“It’s about damn time you woke up. Jiroushin, get him up off of the floor, for goddsake.”

She crooked her finger and some strangely-dressed guy came and helped him up and walked him to a nice comfortable chair. He was surprised at how wobbly his legs felt for the first step or two but he shook it off fast, and by the time he was seated he physically felt pretty good. Now if he could only figure out where the hell he was…

The woman seated herself in some sort of large elaborate chair, and the man sat in a lesser chair next to her.

She looked at Gojyo with one eyebrow raised and a bored look (where had he seen that expression before?) and said, as if talking to an idiot child, “You’re in Tenkai, fool.”

“Tenkai, ok that’s cool, don’t think I’ve ever been here before. How did I get here and where are the others?”

“Where is the rest of my party?” he asked the woman, his first words coming out croaky and funny-sounding.

“This is one trip you have to make alone,” she said, “at least for a while.”

He looked at his surroundings and was overwhelmed by the splendor of it. The colors were brighter than any he had ever seen before, and there were varieties of plants, and birds, and flowers in abundance everywhere that were incomparably beautiful. He seemed to be on some kind of a marble balcony, and he could see a lotus pond through the balusters. The pond was stocked with the most remarkable assortment of multicolor koi he had ever seen, and the lotuses blooming in it were breathtaking in their beauty. Huge willow and cherry blossom trees framed the pond, and he realized as he looked at them that their size would dwarf any trees of that variety he had ever seen before.

“What the fuck is this place?”

“Like I said,”she sounded mildly annoyed now, “you’re in Tenkai- that’s heaven, fool. And you’re dead.”

The word “dead” put a cold shower on Gojyo’s rhapsodizing to himself about the beauty of this new place, and his head whipped back around to the woman.

“Excuse me?!” he demanded, understandably agitated, not to mention a bit disturbed that the woman had apparently somehow heard what he was thinking.

“Look, Kenren…”she sighed.

“And WHY do you keep calling me that!? The name’s Gojyo.. Sha Gojyo!”

“Don’t you remember anything?” she asked him, finally starting to take pity on the poor mortal. He truly was ignorant. Cute, but ignorant. Just like Kenren had been.

Gojyo thought and thought, searching his mind for what seemed to be his most recent memories. He remembered the date night with Sanzo, which made him smile, and a particularly nasty spate of demons one time after that. He remembered walking up a mountain path and knuckling Goku in the head for stealing his piece of salmon jerky. Then things got a bit blurry… he remembered seeing the shikagami, ugly fucking beast, and thinking it was making a beeline for Sanzo. He had a one-track mind on stopping it as he pulled out the shakujou. He only got to it after the thing had already knocked Sanzo down….

“Sanzo!!”

“Sanzo! Is he dead, too? Where is he? Did that thing kill him?”

“No, Gojyo, you saved him. You’re a hero.”

He brightened at that prospect, picturing parades and picture-taking sessions with pretty girls.

“Really, a hero, me? Well, now, that’s not so bad…”

“But you paid for it with your life.”

“But I remember fighting the damn thing…”

“Yes, and it took you over the cliff with it. And you have been lying in a room in a hotel ever since, half-dead and half-alive. Apparently you decided you would rather be here.”

Gojyo closed his eyes and thought as deeply as he could. Bits and pieces of things were coming back to him. He did remember falling, and things going into slow motion as he fell. It seemed like when he was falling he had plenty of time to think about how it wasn’t fair, and how he had too many things he still wanted to do, most of them involving Sanzo.

After the fall, things got very hazy. He remembered Hakkai’s hands, and heat coming from them through terrible pain. Also having the worst headache he had ever had – like the hangover from hell, times a thousand. He recalled bits and pieces of hearing people talking about him, around him, to him, and remembered thinking over and over “I’m still here… I can hear you… I still love you all… It’s so lonely in here… It hurts so much…”

Through it all there was always pain…pain in his body that wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t leave him alone. Pain that was hectoring him constantly, and weakening him more and more the longer it went on. But then there was also one other constant… one other presence always there… always pulling at him…always worrying him…it was pain too but it was different somehow… what was it?… oh, gods, it was… Sanzo…

He looked up at the woman. “Now I remember…I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s coming back to me now. I was so tired, just so tired of the pain. Not just my pain, but his pain. I could tell it was killing him too. And I didn’t want that to happen. I couldn’t stand being responsible for his pain. So I knew it was time to go. I tried to go one time when he wasn’t in the room – it was so hard, he was always there. But my friend – he’s a healer – he brought me back.”

“Yes, Kenren, I know,” she said gently. She touched his shoulder softly and sat beside him on the edge of the balcony.

“Besides,” he continued in a quiet voice, “he’s never really been in love with me – he just feels responsible for my being hurt, that’s all. He feels guilty, like it’s his fault. He won’t miss me - he’s always saying how he doesn’t need anybody… You should have seen what I had to go through to get him to care this much about me.”

“I did.”

“What?”

“Nothing, go on.”

“I’ve always had to chase him, to tease and trick him into being with me… I may have been able to get him to fuck me….oh! excuse me!

“Quite alright.”

“I may have been able to get him to ‘sleep with me’ on a semi-regular basis, and with him even that’s a big achievement, but I’d never be able to get him to love me. It’s just not in him. Why keep banging my head against the same brick wall?”

“What about your other friends?”

“Oh, they’ll be fine. Hakkai had it kind of rough there for a while after his old lady died, but he’s doing so much better now. I think his heart is finally starting to heal. There’s even this cute youkai chick I’ve been trying to get him to go after..” He smiled at the thought of his friend finally falling in love again with the beautiful youkai apothecary.

“Yaone.”

“Yeah…Hey, how did you know that? Anyway, she’s a doll, and she’s just like Hakkai but with big pretty tits! Maybe if he wasn’t hanging around with me all the time he’d be more likely to go after her.”

“You think so?”

“Aw, sure. And the monkey – that’s what I call this kid, Goku – he’s doing great. The boy is really growing up. I think this trip has been good for him. Oh – uhm, we four have kind of been on this trip- it’s a long story.”

“Yes, I heard.”

“Huh? Oh, well , anyway, the saru is gonna grow up just fine. Sanzo was going a little rough on him there for a while, and we had kind of a set-to about that. I explained to him that he didn’t always have to be so hard on the kid, and I think he understands. We have talked about it some since, and he’s trying to do better by the kid. It’s not easy for him, but he’s trying. They’ll get along fine.”

“I see.”

”And between you and me,” he leaned towards Kanzeon as if sharing a secret, “there’s a young youkai chick lives in the same place as the one I’m trying to get ‘Kai matched up with? She’s cute as can be, and she’d be just perfect for Goku after about another year or so when they both grow up a little more, and start getting interested in something other than food and fighting. Rich girl, too.”

“Really?”

”Yup. Her daddy owned a castle, big brother still lives there with the wicked stepmother. Flying dragons and the whole bit. Best part about her and Goku getting together is it would make Sanzo absolutely nuts.” He chuckled at the thought of Sanzo having Lirin as a daughter-in-law of sorts some day.

“And why is that?”

“Because the little princess drives him batty, just nucking futs- oh, ‘scuse me again. It would serve Sanzo right for all the times he’s whacked the saru over the head with that fan over the years. Paybacks are hell- ah – heck.”

“You don’t have to be so careful with your language, Kenren. You’ll find things are fairly tolerant up here.”

“Really?” He looked around. “Sure is a pretty place. I could get used to the atmosphere.”

“Does any of it seem familiar?”

“Huh?”

“Do any of these surroundings feel familiar to you? – look around.”

Gojyo got up and wandered around the full perimeter of Kanzeon’s balcony. He took in the vast array of colorful flora, the peacocks wandering on the distant lawn, the scent of the jasmine blooming, the creamy lotus blossoms floating in the azure pool below the balcony, and the rich decorations on the balcony itself. Aware of Jiroushin scowling at him while he did it, he peeked in the doorway to the palace and peered down the marble hallway. The opulence he saw there bordered on sheer decadence, far beyond anything he had ever seen in his lifetime, and in his day he had been in some of the pricier seraglios where the décor was incredibly lush.

“You know I do kind of have this strange feeling that I’ve maybe been here before…”

“Déjà vu.”

“Deja who?”

“Déjà vu – it means having the feeling that you have seen or done something before.”

“Yeah, well, I do kind of have that here, but I wouldn’t say that I actually recognize anything, other than you and him,” he said pointing to Jiroushin, who rolled his eyes.

“Well, yes, we did actually meet down there one time before – after Sanzo was injured by Rikudo, remember?”

“Oh, riiiiiight… that mad monk… and the monkey lost his limiter and bit the crap out of my arm before you came and gave him a new one… I do remember that.”

“Yes.”

“We took Sanzo back to the inn and he was really bad off and you and he showed up, and you….” He smiled as he remembered Kanzeon’s deep-kissing method of getting blood from him for a transfusion for Sanzo.

“Yes…”

“I remember,” Gojyo said, grinning, “I definitely remember you now.”

“Ah, I thought you might,” she said. Jiroushin cleared his throat loudly.

“So I was here before, huh?”

“Do you really want to know?

“Sure, why the hell not? Seems I have nothing but time now.”

He sat down again next to Kanzeon on the balustrade.

“True enough,” she agreed, thinking “he catches on fast, this one.”

“You, and all the rest of your little band of travelers were all here together in Tenkai many, many years before you were ever born into your current lives on the underworld.”

“Really?” She really had Gojyo’s full attention now. “Was I a god?”

“He cut right to the point, didn’t he?”she thought. “Well, basically… you all would have lived here… indefinitely… if things hadn’t gotten a little out of hand.”

“Excuse me?”

So Kanzeon had Jiroushin bring them all some tall drinks and proceeded to tell Gojyo the story of Kenren, Konzen, Tenpou, and the Seiten Taisei. He was pleased to hear that he had been a general, and not at all surprised to hear that he had been a rather non-conformist one.

When he pressed her to know if he and Sanzo had been involved in their previous lifetime she was rather mysterious, saying that she had not been privy to the goings-on in the general and Konzen’s bedrooms, as much as she might have liked to be. She did tell him that the Genjyo Sanzo he knew was a much more adventurous and rugged soul than the prissy paper-pushing bureaucrat that Konzen had been, as much as she had loved her nephew.

Kanzeon finished her story as the sun waned and the stars began to fill the sky. She asked Jiroushin to have their dinner served al fresco, and within minutes several underlings appeared with a magnificent meal, elegant and sublime beyond Gojyo’s best dining experiences in his earthbound life. He couldn’t help but notice that the servants – and everyone that he had seen since he had gotten there – were magnificent physical specimens, the women statuesque and shapely, the men handsome and refined.

Kanzeon waited until they had finished her meals and were enjoying their after-dinner coffee to steer her guest back to the more difficult subject at hand. Gojyo had been offered and had taken an après-meal cigar and was enjoying it immensely, blowing smoke rings, and terribly pleased with himself to find that it worked every time he tried.

“So… we need a decision now. Kenren, or Sha Gojyo, which is it to be?”

He looked over at her, startled at her serious tone. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you essentially have to make a decision, Kenren. You can stay here in Tenkai, and have a life here. It is not as exciting as your life down there has been, and your old friends won’t be here with you for a while. You will find time is quite different up here. It may be another sixty years before any of your friends arrive here. It may seem like a long time to you or it may go by very quickly – much depends on what you do with your time here. The Kenren I knew found it very dull here, and constantly chafed against the bureaucracy and hypocrisy. I have missed that about you, my friend.”

“But if I go back? It was so bad….”

“There is the conundrum, Kenren. If you go back, you will have to fight. You will have to fight harder than you have ever fought against any demon or any evil foe. You will have to fight the physical pain in your body, and the discouragement you will feel in your soul when you find your body is not what it once was.”

“But why should I go back… they’re just as well off without me. Better off, if I’m going to be all messed up. They’ll miss me for a while, but they’ll get over it.”

He looked down at his feet and hoped she couldn’t see the sadness he knew he couldn’t keep from showing in his eyes at that thought.

“Are you so sure of that?” She looked at the puzzled mortal, and decided to give him some additional insight to help him with his dilemma.

“Come with me.” She led Gojyo to the far edge of her balcony and pointed to the underworld below.

“Yes, I see… very pretty. So?”

“No,” she said, “look a little more closely. There is something going on in a room over there,” she indicated, showing Gojyo exactly where to look.

“As much as I enjoy your company, Kenren, I think you might want to see this before you make your decision…”

Chapter 9


Hakkai had actually managed to get a bit of sleep that night, possibly because he had eaten a decent meal from the food Goku had brought back to the room for them. He had little luck getting Sanzo to eat much, but he had eaten a little rice with some tofu and vegetables, so that was at least something.

As Hakkai got out of bed and stretched, aligning both his chi and his spine, he found an envelope of the hotel stationary near the door to his room. He opened it and smiled to himself when he read that Yaone and the Houtou party had arrived overnight. He had to admit that he had truly been enjoying his correspondence with Yaone recently. He would have felt guilty about it if he had not known that Gojyo would approve – he had never made a secret of the fact that he thought Hakkai and Yaone “would make a cute couple.”

Although he had always found her very attractive, Hakkai had always dismissed Gojyo’s notions on that subject as romantic nonsense. He had no time for such things with all his responsibilities with the Sanzo-ikkou. Besides, he was still grieving Kanan for the longest time, and it was only recently that he had been able to think of her without being overwhelmed by sadness. He was finally beginning to be able to remember the good times he and Kanan had together instead of the horribly traumatic way their life together ended, and he supposed that must mean that his heart was slowly finally starting to heal.

He had found himself thinking about Yaone frequently over the past several months, even more so in the time since Gojyo had been injured and he had been corresponding with her. On the occasions when the Houtou group and the Sanzo-ikkou had met in battle, he and Yaone had frequently ended up opposing each other – it was only natural given that theirs were the two weapons that were non-contact. Their weaponry involved manipulating forces and chemistries rather than objects to impact the opponent, his chi cannon and her formulas for various toxic vapors and other chemical interventions. But if Hakkai was to be brutally honest with himself, he couldn’t remember a single battle involving her where he had actually aimed a chi cannon fire at Yaone with deadly intent. He had somehow always managed to keep his tactics where she was concerned diversionary rather than destructive.

When he and Yaone had met off of the battlefield, there had always been a pull there, a recognition like looking in a mirror that makes you look so very beautiful, you can’t help but look, and look again. He knew Yaone was much like himself – that much was obvious even to the most casual observer. Both were exceedingly well-mannered and polite, both staunchly loyal to their leaders that had saved them from dire fates as well as to their small extended families, both natural caretakers of others, often to the point of self-sacrifice.

But when Hakkai looked at Yaone he saw so much more… Her gentle grace showed in everything she did, from the way she rode their large dragons to her manner with the wild child Lirin. Her beauty, which he had tried to ignore at first, became clearer and crystallized for Hakkai as time went on. His impression of her appearance had drastically changed from his first uncomfortable feeling that she looked vaguely like Kanan. He had gradually started to perceive her as her own person, and when he looked at her now he saw her for the beauty she truly was, and he was astonished by it. Her hourglass figure, her large soulful eyes and small sweet mouth, her beautiful long hair, and her shapely long limbs sheathed in their usual white arm-warmers and stockings all haunted his thoughts from time to time now, as well as his dreams.

But none of this meant anything, he knew, and he tried as always to push it out of his mind, because he could never allow himself to love again. More accurately, to be loved again was what he must avoid at all costs. He had loved Kanan, had encouraged her to take the chance on their love despite the forbidden nature of it, and he had not been there to protect her when she needed him most. Her devastation was proof of his failure and his unworthiness for any future love in his life. He must content himself with the friends that he had, and that must be enough for him. It was more than he deserved.

He must simply stop any silly speculations, he told himself, Gojyo and his romantic notions notwithstanding. There was no way a woman like Yaone could ever be interested in him, nor should she. She simply considered him a colleague in the healing arts and an advocate of gentility and manners like herself. Those were their shared bonds and that was all there was to it. There could never be anything more.

He squared his shoulders, straightened his monacle on his nose, and dressed for his day, tugging his tunic and scarf into perfect order. His shoulders sagged slightly as he remembered what lay ahead of him, that before he even had his first cup of tea he had to go check to see how Gojyo had fared during the night. Worse still he had to relay the bad news delivered by the doctor to Gojyo’s brother, and he didn’t look forward to that. Knowing that there was no putting it off any longer, he tucked Yaone’s note in the drawer with all her other ones and went on his way.

Unfortunately it had not been a good night for the patient. Sanzo had reported to him around 3:30 a.m. that Gojyo had been restless some of the time, with grimaces coming and going across his face throughout the night. Hakkai checked his vital signs, and his pulse seemed to be getting weaker, and his breathing shallower, which disturbed him. He also noticed when he tried to give him his prescription the doctor had left for him, dissolved in water, that Gojyo seemed to be having more trouble swallowing and to be choking more easily. None of this boded well, and it began to look like a long, slow decline was not to be in the cards for his friend. Hakkai felt an odd mixture of grief and guilty relief at the thought… he didn’t know how much longer he could keep up this charade that there might still be hope when in his heart of hearts he truly felt it was time to start saying goodbye.

Hakka’s heart clutched at the thought as he looked at the thin wan face of this friend, this man he had fought alongside, traveled with, drunk with, laughed with, lived with, and come to truly love in the time since Sha Gojyo had saved his life on that first fateful day. Hakkai had seen more death than any of the rest of the Sanzo-ikkou, but he wondered if he was really ready to deal with this one… another death of someone he loved so much… did the pain ever stop? Is this all there is to life, loving people so much, only to lose them just as you were really getting to know them, just as love was starting to grow…

He realized if he let his mind run on unfettered like that he’d never make it through the day in one piece, and he steeled himself for what he knew he had to do next. Sanzo had dozed off in the windowseat after he had reported in to Hakkai about Gojyo’s night, obviously exhausted by yet another sleepless night.

Hakkai slipped out of the room quietly and went downstairs and ordered a large pot each of tea and coffee with a full service and six cups. He also ordered some fresh fruit and a basket of assorted breads and jams to go with them, figuring that between his group and their guests someone might want a bite to eat at some point. He asked the desk clerk that they keep the coffee and tea service refreshed periodically during through the day and on into the night until told to stop. Hakkai was thinking this might truly be a very long and difficult day.

When he stepped quietly back into the room Sanzo was still dozing, He walked over to him and studied his sleeping friend. His beautiful golden hair had gotten long and scruffy, and was badly in need of a trim. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in over a week, and his face underneath the light stubble was ghastly pale and thin. Sanzo had always been a slender man, but his poor nutrition since Gojyo’s injury had left him looking gaunt and haunted. His shirt was untucked, his jeans dirty, and one of his sandals was coming apart at the seams. A person who had only known Priest Genjyo Sanzo in his relatively soft days in the temple would never have recognized this sad figure that was sleeping here before him.

Hakkai wondered what would happen to all of them when Gojyo was gone, but he worried about Sanzo the most. Keeping his feelings bottle up so thoroughly as he did, and trying to maintain his image of needing no one was hard enough on Sanzo when things were going well. Hakkai had known enough of what was going on between the two of them and of had perceived the changes it was effecting on Sanzo. To have that rug so cruelly pulled out from under him now might well be more than the man could stand, and he might well crack. It was a phenomenon Hakkai understood all too well.

He reached out and shook Sanzo gently by the shoulder, “oi, Sanzo. Dokugakuji and the rest will be here soon. Would you like to clean up a bit before they get here?”

Sanzo awakened immediately, startled and instinctively reaching for his gun, which of course he didn’t have on him. He looked blankly at Hakkai and then surveyed the room. Nothing had changed other than the fact that Gojyo looked even worse than he had last night. His brow was knitted up constantly now in an expression of what seemed to be perpetual pain, and his breathing had taken on a raspy rattle now that even Sanzo knew was not a good sign.

“Sanzo, Dokugakiji and the others are here, and he would like to see Gojyo now.”

“He didn’t bring that brat girl with him, did he?”

“No, it’s just Doku, Kougaiji, and Yaone - they got in late last night. The desk clerk said they left word for us to send for them when we were ready.”

“I guess there’s no avoiding it then. Let’s get it over with,” he sighed tiredly, lighting a cigarette.

“Sanzo, I’m having some coffee and tea and some food sent up. When it gets here, I really wish you would eat something – you’re getting terribly thin. I don’t need two patients on my hands,” an edge of crossness slipped into Hakkai’s voice as he spoke, and he immediately regretted it. It wore on him sometimes, though, having to constantly tell grown men to do things for themselves they should damn well know enough to do without being told. But he realized today, everything was wearing on him, and Cho Hakkai felt old beyond his years, and tired beyond what sleep could ever repair.

He looked at Sanzo sadly and touched him gently on the shoulder.

“Gojyo would hate for the Houtou people to see you looking this bad, Sanzo… you’re a Sanzo priest, and you are our leader. He was… is .. so proud of that. Take a few minutes and clean up before I call them all in to see him, please, for him?” He pointed at Gojyo in the bed nearby.

Sanzo knew in his heart that what Hakkai said was the truth.

“Oh, for fuck sake. You’d think the Dalai Lama himself was coming for an audience. Whatever.”

Grumbling under his breath all the way, he stubbed out his cigarette and grabbed some clothes from a drawer and headed into the shower.

Hakkai fussed about the room nervously, straightening up and emptying the eternally-full ashtrays. He carefully put Gojyo in a fresh t-shirt and pajama pants, and brushed his hair gently till it shone like he knew the kappa liked it to. He did his best to get the trademark antennae to stand at attention, but for some reason since his injury they had been as limp and lifeless as their owner.

The whole time Hakkai worked on Gojyo’s still form he kept up a running commentary, telling Gojyo what he was doing, and chatting about the events of the day. As he was washing his friend’s face he told him that his brother was here to see him, and leaned in close to tell him conspiratorially that Yaone was there as well, and that he was looking forward to seeing her.

As he washed Gojyo’s face he moved the cloth carefully over the scars that were the constant reminder of the hanyou’s cruel start in life. He knew his friend hated the scars, and that he had first grown his red hair long in an attempt to hide them. But Hakkai had always thought they were part of Gojyo’s singular beauty, part of what made him the distinctively attractive being that he was. They took his pretty boy face and gave it character, making him classically handsome like the legendary heroes of epics from days bygone.

Hakkai carefully made the bed around Gojyo’s still form and crossed his hands over each other on top of the covers. The movement and jostling from Hakkai’s efforts apparently had been a strain on Gojyo, even though the healer had been as gentle as he could possibly be. Gojyo’s breathing became more ragged and scowls ghosted over his face as if he were fighting some unseen foe. Hakkai stroked his forehead gently and tried to calm him, speaking to him in low, level tones, and assuring him everything was going to be alright.

Suddenly Gojyo’s breath caught and then there was a deadly silence in the room. It took Hakkai a moment to realize what had happened before horror ripped through his mind and he felt a rush of adrenaline, leaving his heart hammering and a sickening feeling in his gut. A single dominant thought overtook it all, mobilizing his body and brain into immediate coordinated action.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“No you don’t not now not with me here alone you bastard we’re not ready it’s too early you cant go not yet!”!

The words bounced through his mind like light-speed pinballs as he jumped up beside Gojyo in the bed.

“Not now you dickhead,” he thought as he pinched off Gojyo’s nose and blew two quick breaths into it and felt the artery in his neck for a pulse.

“People need a goddamn chance to say goodbye you motherfucking asshole!”

He placed his stacked hands over Gojyo’s breastbone and rocked back and forth pressing down on the kappa’s chest and counting out the fifteen compressions. As he did the compressions he concentrated on pouring as much of his chi into Gojyo through his hands into the kappa’s chest as he possibly could.

“I – will- not – let – you – die – now – it’s – not – the – right – time – yet - you – rat - bastard!”

With that he blew two more breaths into Gojyo’s mouth, and nearly fainted with relief when he heard a raspy breath come out of his friend on its own. He was breathing again and had a pulse – both were weak but he would take what he could get.

At that moment Sanzo came out into the room from the shower, dressed in clean clothes and toweling off his hair. He found Hakkai kneeling on the bed next to Gojyo, pale as a sheet, trembling, and drenched with sweat. His monacle had fallen off and was on the floor by the bed, and his scarf was down around his waist.

“Would you care to explain to me just what the fuck you are doing?” he asked dryly.

Hakkai looked down at himself in his state of disarray and realized how it must look- the irony of it made him smile in spite of everything.

“Yes, I suppose this must look rather interesting. Thank you.”

He took his monacle which Sanzo had retrieved from the floor for him and climbed off of the bed slowly. As he stood his legs started to buckle under him and he caught hold of the window frame for support and lowered himself down into the windowseat to sit. He set about straightening himself up as he explained to Sanzo what had happened.

Sanzo sat opposite him on the windowseat, dumfounded by what had happened. His mind refused to process that Gojyo had basically died while he was in the stupid fucking shower, and that if Hakkai hadn’t been there and known what to do, Gojyo would be gone now.

“You must have it wrong… he must have just been having a …a fit .. of some kind.”

“No, Sanzo. He was gone. No pulse, no breathing. I may not be a medical doctor but I know that much.”

“But he’s not that sick yet. There’s still some chance he could come back from this. I know how hard-headed he is. When he wants something bad enough he never gives up, goddamnit.”

“Sanzo, I know this is hard… it isn’t easy for any of us. We all love Gojyo. But I was explaining it all to Goku yesterday, and he put it better and simpler than I ever could. Gojyo would not want to live like this. It’s time for us to let him go.”

“Bullshit. I’m not listening to this. What does the monkey know – he’s just a kid.”

“I know this hurts…

“You have no idea…

“I know you are really hurting, Sanzo. I am, too – I’m losing my best friend. But we have to think of what’s best for Gojyo, don’t we?

“What’s best for Gojyo is for him to be here with us riding in jippu heading west. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

His mouth was set firmly in a grim line, his eyes so narrow they were almost shut.

Hakkai sighed. He knew all too well the deep pain and frustration when the life that you are living veers off wildly from the life that you know you want to have, when happiness is in your grasp and then is suddenly cruelly ripped away. He would have given anything not to have to talk like this to Sanzo, and he could tell that right now he wasn’t going to get any further with him anyway. Rather than aggravate him more, he decided to let it go for now and see if any of the others would have any better luck in convincing Sanzo to accept the inevitable.

He busied himself with very gently straightening out the bed around Gojyo again, and checking his vital signs. His breathing was shallow and ragged, but showed no signs of stopping again.

“I think we’d better get Dokugakuji in here right away. I believe Goku needs a chance to see Gojyo as well.”

The unspoken coda to his sentences, of course was “to say goodbye.”

He touched Sanzo’s shoulder lightly as he passed him on his way to go call the others in to see their fallen comrade. It was simply an instinctive gesture of comfort and commiseration. Normally he would never have done such a thing with Sanzo, and it was a measure of the severity of the situation that he had done it then without a second thought. It was even more telling that Sanzo did not flinch from his touch or bat it away.

Given what had happened with Gojyo while Sanzo was in the shower, Hakkai was hesitant to leave the room for long so he went to Goku’s room first, and not finding him there went to the hotel café where he found him finishing a large breakfast. It did his heart good to see that in this whole unhappy mess at least one thing remained constant, that the saru’s appetite remained undiminished. He asked Goku to round up the Houtou folks from their rooms as soon as he finished and bring them in to see Sanzo. When Goku asked how his kappa friend was doing, Hakkai smiled wanly and said he needed to get back to the room, and he would rather explain everything to all of them at the same time. Goku nodded, and Hakkai headed back to the room.

When he returned, the coffee and tea service had been delivered and Sanzo was settled back in his windowseat perch with a cup of coffee, nibbling desultorily on a small piece of fruit.

As Hakkai entered Sanzo held the fruit up and said, “see, I’m eating, now will you leave me alone about it?”

“Well, I’d hardly call that a substitute for a real meal but I suppose it’s better than nothing,” he conceded.

Hakkai pulled all the chairs from around the room to the table and realized he still only had four, and quickly ran to his own room and brought two back to make the necessary six. Just as he was finishing up these arrangements there was a soft tap at the door and Goku poked his head in.

“I found them all – ok to come in?”

“Certainly. Welcome, all of you,” Hakkai did the best he could to play the gracious host under the circumstances, greeting everyone and making them comfortable at the table with tea or coffee. It occurred to him as he was welcoming the little group that the lynchpin between their two small extended families was lying in that bed, and he couldn't help but wonder whether, if they lost Gojyo, any chance for a permanent cessation of hostilities between the two factions would be forever lost. He looked at Yaone's large gray eyes as he pondered that possibility and his shoulders drooped momentarily as a small involuntary sigh escaped him.

Sanzo remained sullenly at his post in the windowseat, having greeted all of them only with the barest of greetings he could get away with without being blatantly rude. When he and Kougaiji greeted each other there was a split-second moment of frozen glare, like two dominant wolves sizing each other up when neither is willing to cede the lead role to the other.

Yaone and Hakkai bowed deeply to each other, and for the second time that day his adrenaline surged as their eyes met. He noticed she was dressed differently than he had ever seen her, in a sleeveless high-necked dress of emerald green embossed silk with black velvet arm-warmers, and black boots and tights. The dress had a wide belt of the same fabric as the dress pulled tightly around Yaone’s waist and tied in a large trailing bow in the rear, and the cinching effect of the belt accentuated her sensual, curvaceous youkai figure. Hakkai felt a flush creeping up his cheeks as he looked at her and struggled to make normal conversation.

“I’m so glad you are finally here,” he said, spontaneously taking one of her delicate hands and holding it in both of his. “I can’t tell you what your letters have meant to me.”

Yaone covered his hand with her free one and squeezed gently, “I too, am glad to see you, Hakkai, though I am so very sorry of the circumstances, and I have very much enjoyed getting your letters. I only wish there was more I could have done to help you.”

Neither seemed inclined to let go of the other’s clasped hands.

Hakkai recovered himself, “just having you here is a wonderful help, Yaone. It means very much to me that you came. And I know it would mean a lot to Gojyo to know that all of you are here.”

Yaone glanced over to Dokugakuji standing by Gojyo’s bed. He had summarily greeted everybody and gone straight to his brother, and stood there wordlessly since. Hakkai followed her eyes and they both went to his side.

“He looks so bad, I know it must be a shock,” Hakkai said as soothingly as he could. “I’m so sorry – if I had known he was going to go downhill this fast I would have insisted you come much sooner.”

“Oh, Hakkai,” Yaone said, touching his arm consolingly, “there’s no way you could have known. Nobody blames you… We all know you have been doing everything you can to save him.”

Doku finally looked up at Hakkai with confusion and pain written all over his face. The healer knew there was nothing else for it but for them all to sit down together and talk it out. He guided Gojyo’s brother and Yaone to the table where Goku and Kougaiji were waiting, and offered them tea or coffee as they sat.

“Sanzo, would you please come join us over here?”

“I’d rather stay where I am, thank you very much,’ he sounded somewhat like a petulant child, and Hakkai held his patience because he understood the agonies of self-imposed hell the priest was suffering.

He walked over and sat by him, speaking softly, “Please Sanzo, for Gojyo, and for me, this is his family, and our family, and we need to be together to talk about this. Please.”

Sanzo shot Hakkai a look that told him he would rather red-hot skewers into his own eyes than do what Hakkai asked of him, but he rose and followed Hakkai to the table, sitting reluctantly between Hakkai and Yaone. Goku sat directly opposite him, and was watching him carefully, studying his every move. Sanzo glanced briefly around the table at the assemblage, and when his eyes caught Goku’s he rested there for a brief minute. The young man met his gaze steadily, with deep compassion and sorrow mirrored in his large golden eyes. Sanzo cut his eyes from Goku over to Gojyo’s still form in the bed, and slumped down in his chair.



Chapter 10


“Kenren, do you hear me?” Kanzeon lifted the heavy eyelid and got no response.

“KENREN! DO you HEAR me!” she tried again, in his ear this time.

Gojyo felt a warm breath stirring his ear. His first thought was a happy one.

“Hot damn, Sanzo must be feeling frisky! This oughta be good!” It was always more interesting on the rare occasions when Sanzo initiated their lovemaking sessions.

“KENREN, I want you to wake up right NOW!” Louder this time.

“Wait a minute….”

Gojyo’s mind was hazy and he tried to get his bearings. He felt like he was swimming up from deep underwater.

“Wait… that voice – it didn’t sound like Sanzo. And whoever it was sure didn’t smell like Sanzo either… “

He started to feel more oriented in his body, and decided he could safely open one eye. A large violet one the color of Sanzo’s stared back at him, but this one wasn’t surrounded by long blonde lashes like Sanzo’s. This eye had thick, dark lashes.

“Hold it, was Sanzo wearing mascara now?… What kind of kink did the monk have in mind tonight?”

Emboldened now to open both eyes, Gojyo realized immediately the person barking orders at him wasn’t Sanzo, unless Sanzo had gone through some very serious changes.

“Wait a minute… I’ve had seen this broad before somewhere…”

He realized he was laying stretched out on some kind of cold surface, and he sat up on his elbows and looked around. The woman stood up and looked down on him, shaking her head ruefully.

“It’s about damn time you woke up. Jiroushin, get him up off of the floor, for goddsake.”

She crooked her finger and some strangely-dressed guy came and helped him up and walked him to a nice comfortable chair. He was surprised at how wobbly his legs felt for the first step or two but he shook it off fast, and by the time he was seated he physically felt pretty good. Now if he could only figure out where the hell he was…

The woman seated herself in some sort of large elaborate chair, and the man sat in a lesser chair next to her.

She looked at Gojyo with one eyebrow raised and a bored look (where had he seen that expression before?) and said, as if talking to an idiot child, “You’re in Tenkai, fool.”

“Tenkai, ok that’s cool, don’t think I’ve ever been here before. How did I get here and where are the others?”

“Where is the rest of my party?” he asked the woman, his first words coming out croaky and funny-sounding.

“This is one trip you have to make alone,” she said, “at least for a while.”

He looked at his surroundings and was overwhelmed by the splendor of it. The colors were brighter than any he had ever seen before, and there were varieties of plants, and birds, and flowers in abundance everywhere that were incomparably beautiful. He seemed to be on some kind of a marble balcony, and he could see a lotus pond through the balusters. The pond was stocked with the most remarkable assortment of multicolor koi he had ever seen, and the lotuses blooming in it were breathtaking in their beauty. Huge willow and cherry blossom trees framed the pond, and he realized as he looked at them that their size would dwarf any trees of that variety he had ever seen before.

“What the fuck is this place?”

“Like I said,”she sounded mildly annoyed now, “you’re in Tenkai- that’s heaven, fool. And you’re dead.”

The word “dead” put a cold shower on Gojyo’s rhapsodizing to himself about the beauty of this new place, and his head whipped back around to the woman.

“Excuse me?!” he demanded, understandably agitated, not to mention a bit disturbed that the woman had apparently somehow heard what he was thinking.

“Look, Kenren…”she sighed.

“And WHY do you keep calling me that!? The name’s Gojyo.. Sha Gojyo!”

“Don’t you remember anything?” she asked him, finally starting to take pity on the poor mortal. He truly was ignorant. Cute, but ignorant. Just like Kenren had been.

Gojyo thought and thought, searching his mind for what seemed to be his most recent memories. He remembered the date night with Sanzo, which made him smile, and a particularly nasty spate of demons one time after that. He remembered walking up a mountain path and knuckling Goku in the head for stealing his piece of salmon jerky. Then things got a bit blurry… he remembered seeing the shikagami, ugly fucking beast, and thinking it was making a beeline for Sanzo. He had a one-track mind on stopping it as he pulled out the shakujou. He only got to it after the thing had already knocked Sanzo down….

“Sanzo!!”

“Sanzo! Is he dead, too? Where is he? Did that thing kill him?”

“No, Gojyo, you saved him. You’re a hero.”

He brightened at that prospect, picturing parades and picture-taking sessions with pretty girls.

“Really, a hero, me? Well, now, that’s not so bad…”

“But you paid for it with your life.”

“But I remember fighting the damn thing…”

“Yes, and it took you over the cliff with it. And you have been lying in a room in a hotel ever since, half-dead and half-alive. Apparently you decided you would rather be here.”

Gojyo closed his eyes and thought as deeply as he could. Bits and pieces of things were coming back to him. He did remember falling, and things going into slow motion as he fell. It seemed like when he was falling he had plenty of time to think about how it wasn’t fair, and how he had too many things he still wanted to do, most of them involving Sanzo.

After the fall, things got very hazy. He remembered Hakkai’s hands, and heat coming from them through terrible pain. Also having the worst headache he had ever had – like the hangover from hell, times a thousand. He recalled bits and pieces of hearing people talking about him, around him, to him, and remembered thinking over and over “I’m still here… I can hear you… I still love you all… It’s so lonely in here… It hurts so much…”

Through it all there was always pain…pain in his body that wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t leave him alone. Pain that was hectoring him constantly, and weakening him more and more the longer it went on. But then there was also one other constant… one other presence always there… always pulling at him…always worrying him…it was pain too but it was different somehow… what was it?… oh, gods, it was… Sanzo…

He looked up at the woman. “Now I remember…I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s coming back to me now. I was so tired, just so tired of the pain. Not just my pain, but his pain. I could tell it was killing him too. And I didn’t want that to happen. I couldn’t stand being responsible for his pain. So I knew it was time to go. I tried to go one time when he wasn’t in the room – it was so hard, he was always there. But my friend – he’s a healer – he brought me back.”

“Yes, Kenren, I know,” she said gently. She touched his shoulder softly and sat beside him on the edge of the balcony.

“Besides,” he continued in a quiet voice, “he’s never really been in love with me – he just feels responsible for my being hurt, that’s all. He feels guilty, like it’s his fault. He won’t miss me - he’s always saying how he doesn’t need anybody… You should have seen what I had to go through to get him to care this much about me.”

“I did.”

“What?”

“Nothing, go on.”

“I’ve always had to chase him, to tease and trick him into being with me… I may have been able to get him to fuck me….oh! excuse me!

“Quite alright.”

“I may have been able to get him to ‘sleep with me’ on a semi-regular basis, and with him even that’s a big achievement, but I’d never be able to get him to love me. It’s just not in him. Why keep banging my head against the same brick wall?”

“What about your other friends?”

“Oh, they’ll be fine. Hakkai had it kind of rough there for a while after his old lady died, but he’s doing so much better now. I think his heart is finally starting to heal. There’s even this cute youkai chick I’ve been trying to get him to go after..” He smiled at the thought of his friend finally falling in love again with the beautiful youkai apothecary.

“Yaone.”

“Yeah…Hey, how did you know that? Anyway, she’s a doll, and she’s just like Hakkai but with big pretty tits! Maybe if he wasn’t hanging around with me all the time he’d be more likely to go after her.”

“You think so?”

“Aw, sure. And the monkey – that’s what I call this kid, Goku – he’s doing great. The boy is really growing up. I think this trip has been good for him. Oh – uhm, we four have kind of been on this trip- it’s a long story.”

“Yes, I heard.”

“Huh? Oh, well , anyway, the saru is gonna grow up just fine. Sanzo was going a little rough on him there for a while, and we had kind of a set-to about that. I explained to him that he didn’t always have to be so hard on the kid, and I think he understands. We have talked about it some since, and he’s trying to do better by the kid. It’s not easy for him, but he’s trying. They’ll get along fine.”

“I see.”

”And between you and me,” he leaned towards Kanzeon as if sharing a secret, “there’s a young youkai chick lives in the same place as the one I’m trying to get ‘Kai matched up with? She’s cute as can be, and she’d be just perfect for Goku after about another year or so when they both grow up a little more, and start getting interested in something other than food and fighting. Rich girl, too.”

“Really?”

”Yup. Her daddy owned a castle, big brother still lives there with the wicked stepmother. Flying dragons and the whole bit. Best part about her and Goku getting together is it would make Sanzo absolutely nuts.” He chuckled at the thought of Sanzo having Lirin as a daughter-in-law of sorts some day.

“And why is that?”

“Because the little princess drives him batty, just nucking futs- oh, ‘scuse me again. It would serve Sanzo right for all the times he’s whacked the saru over the head with that fan over the years. Paybacks are hell- ah – heck.”

“You don’t have to be so careful with your language, Kenren. You’ll find things are fairly tolerant up here.”

“Really?” He looked around. “Sure is a pretty place. I could get used to the atmosphere.”

“Does any of it seem familiar?”

“Huh?”

“Do any of these surroundings feel familiar to you? – look around.”

Gojyo got up and wandered around the full perimeter of Kanzeon’s balcony. He took in the vast array of colorful flora, the peacocks wandering on the distant lawn, the scent of the jasmine blooming, the creamy lotus blossoms floating in the azure pool below the balcony, and the rich decorations on the balcony itself. Aware of Jiroushin scowling at him while he did it, he peeked in the doorway to the palace and peered down the marble hallway. The opulence he saw there bordered on sheer decadence, far beyond anything he had ever seen in his lifetime, and in his day he had been in some of the pricier seraglios where the décor was incredibly lush.

“You know I do kind of have this strange feeling that I’ve maybe been here before…”

“Déjà vu.”

“Deja who?”

“Déjà vu – it means having the feeling that you have seen or done something before.”

“Yeah, well, I do kind of have that here, but I wouldn’t say that I actually recognize anything, other than you and him,” he said pointing to Jiroushin, who rolled his eyes.

“Well, yes, we did actually meet down there one time before – after Sanzo was injured by Rikudo, remember?”

“Oh, riiiiiight… that mad monk… and the monkey lost his limiter and bit the crap out of my arm before you came and gave him a new one… I do remember that.”

“Yes.”

“We took Sanzo back to the inn and he was really bad off and you and he showed up, and you….” He smiled as he remembered Kanzeon’s deep-kissing method of getting blood from him for a transfusion for Sanzo.

“Yes…”

“I remember,” Gojyo said, grinning, “I definitely remember you now.”

“Ah, I thought you might,” she said. Jiroushin cleared his throat loudly.

“So I was here before, huh?”

“Do you really want to know?

“Sure, why the hell not? Seems I have nothing but time now.”

He sat down again next to Kanzeon on the balustrade.

“True enough,” she agreed, thinking “he catches on fast, this one.”

“You, and all the rest of your little band of travelers were all here together in Tenkai many, many years before you were ever born into your current lives on the underworld.”

“Really?” She really had Gojyo’s full attention now. “Was I a god?”

“He cut right to the point, didn’t he?”she thought. “Well, basically… you all would have lived here… indefinitely… if things hadn’t gotten a little out of hand.”

“Excuse me?”

So Kanzeon had Jiroushin bring them all some tall drinks and proceeded to tell Gojyo the story of Kenren, Konzen, Tenpou, and the Seiten Taisei. He was pleased to hear that he had been a general, and not at all surprised to hear that he had been a rather non-conformist one.

When he pressed her to know if he and Sanzo had been involved in their previous lifetime she was rather mysterious, saying that she had not been privy to the goings-on in the general and Konzen’s bedrooms, as much as she might have liked to be. She did tell him that the Genjyo Sanzo he knew was a much more adventurous and rugged soul than the prissy paper-pushing bureaucrat that Konzen had been, as much as she had loved her nephew.

Kanzeon finished her story as the sun waned and the stars began to fill the sky. She asked Jiroushin to have their dinner served al fresco, and within minutes several underlings appeared with a magnificent meal, elegant and sublime beyond Gojyo’s best dining experiences in his earthbound life. He couldn’t help but notice that the servants – and everyone that he had seen since he had gotten there – were magnificent physical specimens, the women statuesque and shapely, the men handsome and refined.

Kanzeon waited until they had finished her meals and were enjoying their after-dinner coffee to steer her guest back to the more difficult subject at hand. Gojyo had been offered and had taken an après-meal cigar and was enjoying it immensely, blowing smoke rings, and terribly pleased with himself to find that it worked every time he tried.

“So… we need a decision now. Kenren, or Sha Gojyo, which is it to be?”

He looked over at her, startled at her serious tone. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you essentially have to make a decision, Kenren. You can stay here in Tenkai, and have a life here. It is not as exciting as your life down there has been, and your old friends won’t be here with you for a while. You will find time is quite different up here. It may be another sixty years before any of your friends arrive here. It may seem like a long time to you or it may go by very quickly – much depends on what you do with your time here. The Kenren I knew found it very dull here, and constantly chafed against the bureaucracy and hypocrisy. I have missed that about you, my friend.”

“But if I go back? It was so bad….”

“There is the conundrum, Kenren. If you go back, you will have to fight. You will have to fight harder than you have ever fought against any demon or any evil foe. You will have to fight the physical pain in your body, and the discouragement you will feel in your soul when you find your body is not what it once was.”

“But why should I go back… they’re just as well off without me. Better off, if I’m going to be all messed up. They’ll miss me for a while, but they’ll get over it.”

He looked down at his feet and hoped she couldn’t see the sadness he knew he couldn’t keep from showing in his eyes at that thought.

“Are you so sure of that?” She looked at the puzzled mortal, and decided to give him some additional insight to help him with his dilemma.

“Come with me.” She led Gojyo to the far edge of her balcony and pointed to the underworld below.

“Yes, I see… very pretty. So?”

“No,” she said, “look a little more closely. There is something going on in a room over there,” she indicated, showing Gojyo exactly where to look.

“As much as I enjoy your company, Kenren, I think you might want to see this before you make your decision…”


Chapter 11


Hakkai had done the best he could do in explaining the situation to everyone. It had been a very difficult and emotional discussion, to put it mildly. Once he had laid out the medical facts as clearly as he could, he felt there was no alternative but to come straight to the point.

“As sad as it makes me to say this, my feeling is that Gojyo is ready to leave us. I believe he is in a great deal of pain, and I’m sure his body is very, very tired. He has been as big a hero in this fight as he was in the fight that saved Sanzo’s life, but even heroes have to rest, and I believe our Gojyo has simply lost the will to fight any further. He is ready to rest, and I believe he needs us to let him go before he will do it. It’s so typical of him to be putting our needs first….”

His voice broke, and he took off his monacle and rubbed his eyes as if he was fatigued so no one could see the tears starting in them.

Yaone laid her hand on his arm as he spoke and he could feel her strong chi. He knew she was sending him comfort and strength with her touch, just as he did when healing others. She spoke after him

“I can say from my experiences in similar situations that what Hakkai says is true. People with strong spirits like Gojyo usually will not leave this world if they feel there are souls holding them here, even if it is to their own detriment to stay. They need permission from their loved ones to depart.”

Hakkai looked up at Yaone, grateful for her support.

Typical of his fiery youth, Kougaiji spoke out angrily, “what I want to know is who the hell is responsible for this, who sent that damn shikigami and why. I don’t like the idea of things like that laying in wait in my territory – that could have happened to any one of us, and it sounds like it could happen again.”

“We were totally surprised by it,” Hakkai said to him. “It came out of nowhere in that mountain pass, and when it perished there was nothing but that piece of origami left. We have no idea what its origins or motivations were other than that it seemed to go straight for Sanzo. But even that could have been random chance.”

“Sounds to me like it was after the Sutra,” Kou speculated. “Regardless, I don’t like it one bit and I plan to find out who was behind it and take care of them as soon as possible. You have my word on that.”

“Count me in,” said Goku in a deadly serious voice. He had been silent throughout the whole discussion up until that point.

“Maa, maa, talk like that isn’t going to help Gojyo,” said Yaone soothingly. “We can talk about that some other time.”

“How can I say goodbye to him now?” Dokugakuji spoke up, to no one in particular, as if he were thinking out loud. “I’ve been basically pretending he wasn’t my brother for over ten years now… nothing but fighting with him…I didn’t protect him…” His deep voice shook with emotion.

Hakkai tried to comfort him, “he knew you had your reasons, Dokugakuji. He talked to me a lot about you, and what you did for him when he was a child. You were there for him then when nobody else was, and he appreciated that very much- I know he did.”

“But he’s so young… He had his whole life ahead of him. It’s not fair!”

He hit the table angrily with his fist, then stopped himself and took a deep breath, “there are so many things I want to tell him, things we should still do together, like brothers… It’s not right… gods, I wasted so much time. I thought there would always be time later on…” He trailed off and looked down at his hands.

Everyone was silent for a moment and Goku spoke up. In a clear rational voice, sounding astoundingly adult, he said, “I think we all feel like that, Doku. It’s not fair. And we all have wasted time we could have spent better… I know I have. But all we can do now is try to do what’s best for him. Gojyo deserves better than to have to linger like this,” he gestured towards the bed, “he would hate being like this, feeling like a burden on everyone, and not being able to do the things he loved to do. He deserves better than this. We owe it to him to let him go now… because we love him.”

Sanzo had sat chain-smoking, hunkered down into his chair, mute and staring at his sandals through the whole conversation up until Goku spoke out. At Goku’s words he looked up and gazed into the young man’s eyes, wondering when and how this maturity had landed on his small shoulders, and where he had been when it had happened. He suddenly felt very, very old and so tired. He got up and walked over to his usual spot in the windowseat and stood looking out the window, his eyes not really seeing the view outside.

“So they think it’s time to “let him go”, eh? Tch. Easy for them to say… they don’t have to live with the guilt. They aren’t the ones that he sacrificed his stupid life for on the side of that mountain. They aren’t the ones that the damn kappa had spent the last however long it had been –how long had it been, anyway? – chasing so relentlessly, seducing, always seducing... First into his bed, and then into his heart. They don’t have to face a lifetime of knowing that they have thrown away with both hands what most people spend their whole lives looking for – someone that really loves them.”

“And he did love you, you stupid moron,” he told himself. “You can’t run from it any longer. He loved you as much as any human being can ever love any human being. Remember when he told you, that night in the tent in the rain?”

“We’d gotten those damn new tents so we could each have our own. It was your idea, Mister ‘I Need My Own Space.’ And you had been such a royal pain in the ass to everyone all day, sniping at Hakkai when he tried to be helpful, whacking the saru for simply asking questions, and biting poor Gojyo’s head off… simply for being himself. He had tried so hard all day to cajole you into a better mood, but oh no, not you.”

“So that night, with the fucking rain pouring down, and you alone in your tent feeling like death in a dress, he could have left you alone to stew in your own juices. Hell, he could have told you to go fuck yourself sideways and it would have been better than you deserved. But did he do that? No. Did he call you out on your crappy behavior and curse you for being the miserable misanthrope and cruel bastard that you are? No. Did he come in and smack you stupid with your own goddamn fan? No. He crawled in out of the rain with that big idiotic puppy dog grin on his face, and a fistful of wildflowers like a goddamned four-year-old-kid, and he had gotten soaked to the skin picking them for you, too. He handed them to you like they were the most precious gift imaginable, and kissed you like you meant more to him than anything in the world. Then despite your growling and grousing he persevered and made sweet love to you right there in your tent until your bad mood evaporated like an ice cube in a hot skillet.”

“And afterwards when he held you close and warm, and you listened to the rain hitting the tent in the cold dark night, did he give you a bad time for having been such a hard case all day? No…he told you that he loved you, and that he has loved you almost since the first day he met you. He told you that it started as far back as the day you chanted the sutra at the burned-out castle, but that he had been waiting, afraid to tell you, afraid of what you would say, that you would shut him out completely. And you might have too, you goddamn fool… He said he’d loved you all that time, and that he didn’t think that would ever change, that he would always be there for you. And he didn’t ask a damn thing in return from you, just your honesty and your respect.”

“And just what did you give him in return, this trusting soul that laid his heart bare before you out on a silver platter?… Nothing.. Not a goddamn, fucking thing. Zip… zilch… rien… nada. Unless you want to count some weak attempts at humor, and a lot of slick evasions. Oh no, not you, The Great Genjyo Sanzo… No, for you it’s ‘Since the day I was born till the day I die the only side I’m on is my own.’ So look where that high and mighty fucking philosophy of yours has gotten you now… “

“If Gojyo had really thought that way, you’d be fucking dead now- he wouldn’t have bothered to save your sorry ass… deal with that. Is that ‘philosophy’ going to crawl into your tent the next time it’s a vile rainy night and hold you close and chase away your complicated demons with simple pure love?”

An ironic smile ghosted across Sanzo’s face. “Simple…that was a funny word in relation to the damn kappa…”

In some ways, right from his birth, the hanyou’s life had been a complex juggling act just to survive – the home life with his tormented stepmother and his protective older half-brother had been a real gothic horrorshow, ending with the murder of one of the principle players by another – nothing too simple about that. But the young boy had survived, moving into the streets and a life of scams and vice far too intense and dangerous for his young age – and still he survived again. He developed a canny wit and a way with people that would make him beloved by women and liked and respected by almost all that knew him, even as he was picking their pockets. Since puberty he had chased women with the single-minded determination of a bloodhound, but by design never kept a single one that he caught, only sampled them like an oenophile at a wine-tasting. Again, simple was not a word one could ever accurately apply to Sha Gojyo.

Yet through all of his trauma and tragedy, and all his pursuit of decadence, Gojyo had never lost his childlike simplicity. He was always able to enjoy elemental pleasures, whether of the hedonistic variety, or simply the company of good friends, and he had been teaching Sanzo how to enjoy them as well. And while it would be unfair to say he saw the more complex issues of morality in black and white, he did have a knack for flitching away the layers of intellectual equivocation surrounding an issue and reducing it to its core truth. He inelegantly called it his ‘bullshit detector’ and he was very rarely wrong. Sanzo wondered what Gojyo’s bullshit detector would have to say about this current situation, about this gathered assemblage and their inclination to bid him farewell and allow him an early departure from this turn of his on the great wheel of karma.

He asked himself if he could really do it, could he “let him go?” Could he lean over that too still form on that bed and tell him goodbye? That larger-than-life soul that had wound its way so intricately around his own… how could he possibly sit next to him and calmly release him, give him permission to leave him here, all alone?

“How could that possibly be? In what world is that an acceptable possibility? And could I survive it if he did? And why should I… Is it really what he would want?… Does he truly want to leave me?… Does he really want to die?”

He knew his mind had rejected the concept of Gojyo’s death since he had first been injured. He admitted to himself he was no closer to accepting it now than he had been when he had awakened the day they had been injured, no matter how many rational arguments Hakkai and Goku made to the contrary.

During the days and weeks since the incident with the shikigami Sanzo had had a lot of time had to think about Gojyo and their time together. He had also thought about himself, and his history, with his lifetime of self-imposed isolation and solemn cynicism. He realized now that, through it all, something had shifted dramatically inside of him during this period.

He admitted to himself that he was having a much harder time accepting the loss of the kappa than he ever would have before. He knew that during Gojyo’s illness he had taken a long hard look at their time together in the context of the larger picture of their journey to the west and of their entire lives. When he looked at it all from that perspective it suddenly became obvious that it was much more important to him than it seemed when dealing with it just day-to-day on the road. Gojyo’s flirtations and pursuit of him as part of their daily life on the road had seemed annoying and trivial, and just something he could take or leave because it was always there. When viewed from this perspective and distance, he could see that it was part of something much larger and far more valuable and worthy of appreciation, something very precious which he was now very close to losing forever.

“I can’t let him go, it’s only now that it’s all starting to make sense to me. It’s only now getting through my thick stubborn skull what he has been trying to tell me all along. If he goes now we’ll never have a chance to really be together…. He’ll never know that I’m finally starting to get it…that I realized he was right…”

As he thought about Gojyo and himself an image popped into Sanzo’s head of a lotus blossom, beautiful and perfect, just starting to open. All of its potential beauty was there, just waiting to unfurl and reveal its true nature and its splendid mixture of the simple and complex, the earthly and the divine, the sacred and profane. He heard the echo in his head of a loud clear voice- it was something one of the Three Aspects had said to him as they were commissioning him with the whole journey and telling him just who he should take along. He saw the exquisite lotus blossom slowly starting to open, and suddenly its image started to fade…

Sanzo, She had said, it is time you trusted with the eyes of your heart.

Instantly Sanzo realized it as surely as the sun set in the west: whether he wanted to be or not, he was in love with Sha Gojyo, and he always would be, from this life on into the next. It was as simple and elemental in its truth and beauty as that lotus blossom.

Gojyo’s breathing had been getting more and more shallow and ragged while Sanzo had been lost in these thoughts. While he had been deep in introspection the others had discretely decided to leave him to himself, realizing that no amount of reasoning was going to mitigate the pain he was feeling or the process he had to work through for himself.

They started one by one quietly coming to Gojyo’s bedside and saying their goodbyes. Yaone held his hand and softly sang a demon lullabye to Gojyo, kissing his forehead gently before turning away. Kougaiji told him it had been an honor to share the battlefield with such a fighter, and pledged to do his best to kill the bastard behind the shikagami that had taken Gojyo’s life.

When Dokugakuji stepped to the bed the tall man was clearly overcome and at a loss for words. He held his brother’s hand and his shoulders shook as he fought back sobs. When he could speak, with his rich deep voice clotted with tears he said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you this time, little bro…I’m sure gonna miss you. But you rest now, you hear?”

He moved from the bed quickly and sat at the table with his head in his arms. Yaone and Kougaiji surrounded him and comforted him as best they could.

Hakkai and Goku approached the bed together, each on one side, each took one of Gojyo’s hands. His breaths were very shallow and far apart now.

Hakkai spoke first, gently stroking his friend’s forehead as he did, “Gojyo, it’s Hakkai and Goku – we’re both here.”

Goku affected his usual cheer, “Yeah, I’m here, ya cockroach watersprite,” and squeezed his hand.

“We want you to know we’re proud of you for what you did on that mountain, and we’re proud to have been your friends in this life. And we love you…” at that Hakkai started to choke up, so Goku took over.

“It’s not going to be the same without you, Gojyo. I won’t have anyone to fight with, and I’ll probably get as fat as a pig because I’ll get all of the food now,” said Goku in an effort to help Hakkai, as well as the dying man. “Gojyo, I’m going to be lonely without you, and I want you to know you’ve been like a big brother to me, and you’ve taught me a lot, and I’ll never forget that.”

He reached up and brushed a few stray strands of crimson hair out of Gojyo’s face.

“We are all here with you, and we know how hard you tried to get better, and we want you to know it’s ok for you to let go now. I know I’ll see you again, sometime – someday we’ll all be together again. But you go ahead on now and wait for us, ok?”

Hakkai looked through his tears at this young man they had called the bakasaru for so long. When did he get so wise? He stroked his old friend’s forehead gently.

“Yes, Gojyo, Goku’s right. You just let go now, it’s alright. Everything’s alright.”

With that Gojyo took one long deep rattling breath and then a profound silence filled the room.


Chapter 12


Gojyo watched in rapt fascination as all of the people most important to him in the world sat around the hotel room discussing his fate. It was the strangest feeling to see himself lying in the bed down there, and then to look down and see his own hands gripping the railing of Kanzeon’s balcony where he was standing at the same time- it made him feel like his head should be spinning around 360 degrees.

He felt kind of honored that they all had gathered together on his behalf – he was surprised to see that even the Brat Prince had shown up, and really touched to see how emotional his brother was about everything. It made him wish he had tried harder when he had the chance to mend fences with him.

He saw the little telling glances between Hakkai and Yaone, and chortled to himself – he knew there was something going on between those two. Too bad it took his dying to make it happen, he would have loved to have been around to see Hakkai rediscovering the joys of sex – he would have had so much fun teasing his prissy ass!

He was amazed at what he saw of Goku. The kid was acting like… like a young man. He was acting more mature than anyone else there. He was carrying himself with an air of confidence and maturity that Gojyo had never seen before. It made him kind of sorry he wouldn’t be around to see what he would be like in another ten years when he was fully grown, to see what kind of man he would turn out to be. He wondered if the saru might not turn out to be some kind of a leader- watching him now he almost had this air of royalty about him.

He knew his death would go hard on Hakkai, and he worried about that. He had already had such huge losses in his life, and now to lose his best friend, too. He also worried that Hakkai might feel like a failure because he had not been able to save him. He knew how easily the youkai assumed guilt for things, even when it was not his to assume. He wished he could tell him that he knew he had done all that he could, that it was nobody’s fault, that it simply was what it was. He hoped that the relationship he thought he saw budding between him and Yaone would keep Hakkai from retreating too far inside himself when he was gone - he could be such a loner.

And then there was the loner to end all loners… his Sanzo-chan. He looked down at Sanzo standing by the window and he barely recognized him. He had never seen him looking this bad, so pale and gaunt – almost haunted. He watched him isolating himself from the others, and saw the pain on his face, and could see that he was clearly in terrible torment.

Gojyo turned to Kanzeon, “see – he’s suffering. Ok, I get the point, the others would miss me, but not Sanzo. He would be much better off. He’s in agony.”

“You think so, hmm?” said Kanzeon, smiling slyly.

“Yeah, he’s breaking my heart – I can’t stand much more of this – let’s go ahead and end this and put him out of his misery. It’s too hard to see him like this- I love him too much. I just have to let him go.”

“Ok,” she said, “let’s see what happens.”

The silence was deafening. Everyone in the room froze, staring mutely at the completely still figure in the bed. As many times as they had all seen death on the battlefield, seeing it happen like this, being this intimate with the actual moment of a loved one’s passing was a totally stunning and mind-numbing moment.

All except for Sanzo. Suddenly all his silence and inactivity was converted to an absolute frenzy of action and volume. He jumped on the bed, straddling Gojyo’s hips, and grabbed him by the shoulders with both hands, screaming and shaking him furiously.

“No you don’t you bastard, not now you don’t!! You made me love you, goddammit and you’re not gonna leave me in the fucking lurch alone now!! You come back now you asshole or I’ll haunt your ass to hell and back again!! He slapped Gojyo in the face, hard. The smack resounded through the room like a gunshot.

“I love you, you goddamn moron, there, are you happy?!” he screamed. “Now get your lazy fucking cockroach ass back here and get it back here NOW!!” It’s a safe bet the people at both ends of the hall and on all floors gathered the mood, if not the specifics, of his words.

Gojyo turned to Kanzeon on the balcony, beaming, “I love it when he sweet-talks me.”

“Yes, that’s my Konzen.”

“Guess I’d better do what the man says, huh?”

“I thought you might feel that way.”

“Thank you – for giving me this chance – and everything.”

Kanzeon came to his side and gave him a long lingering kiss. Jiroushin coughed loudly.

“For luck,” she said. “Don’t you let him give you any shit. You won’t remember any of this, by the way.”

“Will I ever see you again?” He asked, slightly woozy from Kanzeon’s kiss

“Oh, I’d say that’s a safe bet,” she smiled.

“Nothing I like better than a good bet!” Gojyo replied. He took one last look at the beautiful lotus blossoms in the pool and he was gone.


Gojyo suddenly sucked in a deep lungful of air, and coughed a few times. He was dimly aware of his face hurting and a large weight pressing on his belly. He heard a lot of racket around him and was mildly irritated by it, but felt very sleepy and decided he would deal with it later.

A loud gasp issued from Gojyo, and Sanzo looked around the room and was momentarily mortified that everyone had seen the screaming, ranting fit he had just pitched. They all were staring at him in stunned amazement as he sat on the recently-dead man’s stomach, a disheveled and raving lunatic. Hakkai and Yaone immediately came to tend to Gojyo as Sanzo climbed off and attempted to compose himself, watching the kappa intently. Within minutes Gojyo’s breathing was nearly normal again, and his coma appeared to be substantially lighter.

“I’m stumped, Yaone – all I can figure is that the Western doctors don’t know a damn thing about youkai physiology – that the guy underestimated Gojyo’s ability to heal himself- guess I did, too .”

She patted his arm consolingly, “I think you are correct about the doctors, Hakkai. Those doctors have never studied us youkai because there was no money to be made from it, so there is very little about us in the medical literature. I believe Gojyo’s youkai half was able to heal his human one, basically.”

Hakkai looked over at the priest, who was now sitting again in his post in the windowseat, smoking and trying to regain a little of his shattered dignity.

“I also think he was lacking the proper motivation to get well, and our Sanzo gave it to him,” Hakkai said with a twinkle now back in his deep green eyes that had been missing for quite some time.

Sanzo blushed and stubbed out his cigarette. He got up and went to the table and sat down by Goku.

“So just exactly when did you get so all-fired smart, monkey?”

Goku grinned at him widely , “I’ve had three good teachers.”

Sanzo tilted his head and looked at him for a few moments, appraisingly.

“Tch. If you say so. Hey, I’m hungry. Can’t a guy get some food around here?”

Goku cracked up. “Now that’s a switch! Sanzo is telling ME he’s hungry! Yes sir, I’m on it.” He got up and started taking orders for carry-out to be brought back to the room.


Later on after a good meal they all sat around the table in a fine collective mood. Gojyo was doing incredibly well. His breathing and pulse were nearly normal, and his color had already improved significantly. Hakkai guessed that if he continued like this, he would probably awaken in a day or so. He even ventured to guess that with the healing powers Gojyo was showing at this point there might be little or no permanent brain damage.

As they enjoyed their after-dinner tea and coffee, they dove into the pile of fortune cookies that had come with the meal.

Kougaiji went first. “Be prepared for extra energy,” he read.

“Ah now, Kou,” teased Doku, “you know you’re supposed to add ‘in bed’ at the end of it, right?”

“Nevermind,” said Kou, ”I can use that extra energy when I go after whatever bastard sent that damned shikagami.”

Goku went next. “Confidence isn’t something you get, it’s something you are.”

“Well,” said Hakkai, smiling at the saru, “I’d certainly say that sounds appropriate.”

He picked up one for himself.

“The loving-cup that once was broken now is mended.” He blushed and stammered, “My goodness, I can’t imagine what that one means…”

Yaone smiled sweetly and opened hers, “the quiet man knows all the answers.” She coughed a little and tried to act nonchalant.

There were two fortune cookies left on the table. “Go ahead, Sanzo, your turn,” Goku urged.

“Oh, alright, I guess I’ll get no peace until I do.” Feeling oddly superstitious, his hand hovered over the two for a second before he decided which one of the two to pick.

He opened it and read, “before you can see the light you have to deal with the darkness.”

He raised one eyebrow and carefully folded it and placed it in his pocket, thinking to himself it was something he didn’t ever want to forget.

“There’s one left,” Goku said, “that one must be Gojyo’s - read it Sanzo!”

After what his had said, Sanzo figured, what the hell? He opened the remaining cookie and looked at it, and shook his head unbelievingly. He laid it on the table for the group to read.

“Every exit is an entrance into new experiences.”


**********


Dearest Yaone,

I greatly enjoyed your last letter – I am always so glad to see one of your letters in our box, and this one made me blush and smile with the romantic things you said about our encounter last month. I think it’s safe to say we both considered our mountain retreat a sweet success and I for one am very much looking forward to our next escape together.

I was not at all surprised to hear that Kougaiji was not able to find the originator of the shikigami, but I am relieved to hear that he and Goku managed to complete their trip to search for it without killing each other or getting injured in the process. Unfortunately if it was truly from someone determined to obtain the Maten Sutra I’m sure we will encounter them again sooner or later. From this point on we will be more wary, you can rest assured.

As you know, Dokugakuji has made several trips back here to visit with his brother, and they have had a wonderful time talking and making up for the years they have lost. It’s as if they never were estranged when you see them together now – it is really quite heartening.

Gojyo’s recovery is progressing incredibly fast, and Sanzo is relentless in working him through his daily therapies. As you know, his large motor functions were unaffected, only the fine motor skills and speech were affected. His speech has almost returned to normal now – he reads the newspaper to Sanzo everyday, which is quite a sight. Our nightly poker sessions seem to be helpful to him as well, but my suspicion is that that is just a clever ruse to get more winnings out of us. He certainly still remembers quite well how to bluff and even occasionally cheat!

He has recently taken up painting to help with his hand-eye coordination, and it turns out he has quite a natural talent for it. The gallery here in town likes his work well enough to have several of his paintings displayed in their window. Gojyo asked me to let me you know that he has painted special paintings for you, his brother, and Lord Kougaiji ,and that he will be giving them to you the next time he sees you. They are really quite special. I think you will all be pleased.

Goku has begun studying Business Administration through a distance-learning program I found through the local library. It can all be done by post, so he can maintain his studies even after we resume our journey. He is doing very well with it and enjoying it a great deal. We tease him that he should go into restaurant management so he can eat up all the profits. He really has become quite an impressive young man and we are all so proud of him, especially Sanzo. Also, Yaone, he wanted to know when Lirin would be coming with you or Doku on one of your visits! It seems our young man may be maturing in other ways as well – I for one, think they would be perfect for each other. Oh, those Houtou Castle Ladies!

Goku has enjoyed having his old sparring partner back, and they have worked quite hard. He has acted as an excellent physical therapist for Gojyo, who was so weak from all that time spent confined to bed. They have both had to proceed very slowly and carefully, but Goku has been very patient and dedicated, and I think they both have have truly enjoyed the process, difficult as it has been. When Sanzo and I watched their session today we agreed Gojyo is very close to being back to his former level of strength and ability

If Gojyo continues to progress as he is now Sanzo and I feel we should be able to resume our journey westward again in another two weeks or so. Strangely enough, all four of us are beginning to feel restless to resume our travels. The biggest reason for this, as you know, is that the original reason for our journey continues to be a pressing concern- we hear more dire tales of youkai uprisings and mayhem with each passing day.

But it also seems that our experiences on this journey have infected us all with a bit of of travel fever, and even Hakuryu seems to be chafing at all these quiet housebound days and is itching to hit the road. We are all restless and ready to move on now and see what new horizons lie beyond this town and what new adventures await us. I think it is safe to say that none of us want to live on the road for the rest of our lives. But for now, we have much more to do and many paths to traverse before we leave the road behind us for good. I once read a Western poem that I think applies quite well to the four of us as collectively: “… but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.”

So, my sweet Yaone, the question then becomes: where does this leave you and me? Spending that time in our mountain retreat, just the two of us, was pure heaven for me. Certainly it was a big step for both of us, and I don’t mind telling you now, I was more than a little bit nervous beforehand. But it was so enchanting to escape together, surrounded by all the wildness of nature, and have you all to myself. I admit I felt somewhat out of practice in all things romantic, but you evoked long-buried aspects of my spirit. Thanks to your gentle grace the meeting of our minds and our bodies was almost alchemical in its magic, and any fears I had vanished like morning mist. It was as mystical as the faraway stars and as effortless and natural as breathing.

I know it is too much to hope for, that you might wait for me while we wander off into the sunset like four knights-errant. You are a beautiful young woman who has every right to move on in favor of a more stable gentleman with better prospects than mine. I can only promise you that until our journey ends I will do everything in my power to bring us together as often as possible, Yaone, I know I will be missing you so much.

My fondest wish is that when the Sanzo-ikkou’s mission is completed, you and I will be reunited, and never be separated again. More than that, I am hoping that at that time you might consider doing me the greatest honor of becoming my wife. I have learned that a love like ours is a rare and precious thing, my dear one, and if you would accept me as your husband at that time, I would spend the rest of my life cherishing you and this gift of love we have together. You need not give me a response now, I only wanted you to know that my intention towards you is ultimately marriage, Yaone, if you will have me, and as soon as our journey ends.

I look forward to your next letter, and count the hours ‘til our next meeting. I promise we will find some days alone together before the Sanzo-ikkou takes to the road again. Count on it.

Your loving and faithful,

Hakkai

p.s. I am attaching a song that I heard recently which reminded me of you. It says much more eloquently than I can how I feel about you and our relationship. I hope you enjoy it.


ANIMATE Rush (Peart, Lifeson, & Lee)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgZuMf5DwU8
POLARIZE ME
SENSITIZE ME
CRITICIZE ME
CIVILIZE ME
COMPENSATE ME
ANIMATE ME
COMPLICATE ME
ELEVATE ME

Goddess in my garden
Sister in my soul
Angel in my armor
Actress in my role

Daughter of a demon-lover
Empress of the hidden face
Priestess of the pagan mother
Ancient queen of inner space

Spirit in my psyche
Double in my role
Alter in my image
Struggle for control

Mistress of the dark unconscious
Mermaid of the lunar sea
Daughter of the great enchantress
Sister to the boy inside of me

My counterpart - my foolish heart
A man must learn to rule his tender part
A warming trend - a gentle friend
A man must build a fortress to defend

A secret face - a touch of grace
A man must learn to give a little space
A peaceful state - a submissive trait
A man must learn to gently dominate

Epilogue


“What in the world are you up to, monk?” Gojyo was puzzled. He was used to Sanzo being somewhat inscrutable but this evening he was being downright mysterious. It was the first night Hakkai had given him leave to go back to “normal relations,” meaning he thought it was safe for him and Sanzo to go beyond the judicious cuddling and lip-smashing they had limited themselves to since he had awakened from his coma.

Gojyo had been at a loss to understand the priest’s recent attentiveness anyway, but he guessed it must be that he felt indebted to him for the business on the mountain. Whatever it was, he wasn’t going to question it, because he was loving it. Sanzo was still Sanzo, but he was finally letting Gojyo “in” – he wasn’t constantly fighting against him, always straining to keep him at arm’s length.

He had to admit (but only to himself) that when he had first woke up and had been very weak, and Sanzo had been helping Hakkai take care of him, there had been part of him that had was eating it up. He would have hated like hell to stay like that, all dependent on people for everything, but just for a little while there, having Sanzo fuss over him and coddle him was kind of nice – he had felt cared for and safe in a way he had never felt in his whole life.

But it didn’t take long, as he started getting stronger, for him to get restless to get back to the doing the things he loved, and that motivated him to work hard on doing everything he had to do to make his recovery happen as fast as possible - including getting the green light from Hakkai to get back to Sanzo’s bed.

Not all of it had been work. He had loved the time spent sparring with the monkey. He almost hesitated to call him “the monkey” anymore, the kid was acting so grown up these days. It almost made him wonder just how long he had been out of it when he looked at the saru and saw how he had changed. But he would always be the monkey to him, and together they had gotten him back into fighting trim, and he was just as good with his shakujou now as he had ever been, if not better.

He had been as surprised as anyone to find out that he could paint. He had thought ‘Kai was crazy when he suggested it, and had just tried it to humor him. Funny thing was he really enjoyed it, and when he started doing it he remembered something long-forgotten from his childhood. He remembered clearly lying on the floor of his mother’s house with his box of colored pencils, carefully drawing picture after picture for his mom and Jien. Jien would always make a big fuss and tell him how great his pictures were, and his heart would swell with pride. His mother wouldn’t even look at them, just crumple them up and throw them aside, and yell at him to get his “stupid junk” up off of “her floor,” and he would run outside trying not to let her see the tears in his eyes. Gojyo saw the act of painting now as a way of healing two things at once – the damage from his head injury, and the hurt his mother had inflicted on him all those years ago. It particularly made him happy to be able to paint pictures to give to people that he cared about. That was his favorite part about the whole thing, and they really seemed to like them when he gave them to them. He really loved that.

Sanzo had been staying with him in his room, the same room that had been acting as a makeshift hospital room all along. He had slept in the windowseat, which made Gojyo crazy, or when Gojyo insisted enough, he slept chastely in the same bed with him in his jeans and t-shirt. He would pull Gojyo to him every night and hold him close - no longer did the kappa have to go begging for that physical closeness as he once had. Gojyo noticed Sanzo seemed content to keep him very close, almost as if he was reluctant to let him go. They would kiss, sometimes even heatedly, but Sanzo would inevitably stop it before it went too far, afraid if things got too strenuous if would set back the hanyou’s recovery, and that took priority.

As soon as Hakkai had given them the go-ahead to be together again, Sanzo had begun acting strangely. Gojyo began to wonder if he was re-thinking his newfound feelings of affection for him, but as it had always been with Sanzo, he figured he would just have to go with the flow and see what happened.

Sanzo had asked him to meet him later that night at 7 o’clock, and had given him a room key, with a room number Gojyo didn’t recognize. All he would say by way of explanation was that he had a small celebration planned, and no more.

At seven o’clock Gojyo came to the room, which was on the top floor of the hotel. He had a rolled cylinder tied with a ribbon in one hand and the room key in the other. He knocked briefly, and when there was no answer he let himself in with the key. He walked into a room that was easily twice the size of the one he had been confined to for so long, with a beautiful balcony running the length of the room overlooking the town and the mountains beyond.

There was a huge, beautifully-appointed bed, a sitting area with a couch and two chairs, a dining table, and what looked to be an exceptionally-large bathroom and dressing area. The whole thing was exquisitely decorated with chinoiserie and tapestries, and large lush tropical plants throughout. The dining table was laden with a linen tablecloth, long slender lit candles, with what appeared to be a gourmet meal fully laid out on a nearby buffet in chafing dishes to keep it all warm, along with two bottles of fine sake. There were multi-colored flower arrangements by the buffet and a huge vase of beautiful peach roses on the table by the bed. He noticed an envelope in front of the vase with his name on the front, and he sat on the bed and opened it. Inside on the card in a scrawly uneven hand was written, “G – All for you. Don’t ever leave me again. Love, S.”

He looked up to see if the author of the card was anywhere in evidence and saw a blonde head peeking out of the bathroom door, eyeing him as he read the card. Without saying a word he held open his arms. Sanzo came out of the bathroom, dressed for the first time since the accident in his full priestly garb- robe sparkling white and clean, his crown, glinting in the light from the setting sun. He was even more beautiful to Gojyo now than he had been on that day so long ago when he had seen him chanting the sutra for Kanan and Hakkai, and it simply took his breath away to see him in like this once again. Sanzo came to him and took off his sutra and crown, and they fell into the large bed and made love with a sweetness and tenderness far beyond what they had ever had before.

Afterwards when they were twined together on the large bank of pillows Sanzo noticed the rolled cylinder Gojyo had brought in and laid down on the bedside table when he had sat to read the card.

“What’s that?” he pointed.

“Oh!” Gojyo exclaimed happily, “that’s for you. You said this was a celebration, so I brought you a present. I painted it for you. You know I have been trying to think of something special to paint for everybody, right? You were the hardest. I thought and I thought, and then this image popped into my head, and that was it. It wouldn’t go away and I knew it was what I had to paint for you. Here, tenshi.”

He kissed Sanzo and handed him the rolled canvas. Sanzo unrolled it and gasped at what he saw. In the background of the painting were the marble balusters of a balcony, and in the foreground, in a clear azure pool, floated one perfect magnificent lotus blossom in full bloom.

~owari~



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Author’s notes:

1. As I have said before, I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on tv. Any medical expertise I have is only that I have acquired in self-defense from over ten years of dealing with my own medical problems, and a lifelong amateur interest in the field of medicine. If any medical personnel happen across this story and would be interested in helping me to correct any misrepresentations, I would encourage them to contact me.

2. Of the fortunes found by the group in their cookies that evening, all but two are actual fortunes my family and I have gotten in fortune cookies in the past year. I will leave it to the reader to guess which are the real and which are of the author’s invention.

3. The poem Hakkai refers to in his final letter to Yaone is Robert Frost’s “Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening.”

http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/show/4164-Robert-Frost-Stopping-By-Woods-On-A-Snowy-Evening


Again, to anyone that has stuck with me this long, thank you. I don’t know if I will ever write another story this long, but I think it is a testimonial to your endurance and mine that we both made it through this one. Thank you for your patience and most especially for your support of this novice writer! hg