Categories > TV > X-Files
Ice Ice Baby
0 reviewsEpisode 6x08 of the infamous "Fox & Rat Virtual Series". Krycek is convinced he can pick up girls by playing hockey and a few mishaps teach him otherwise. WARNING: Random Sillyness!!!
0Unrated
Title: Ice, Ice Baby
Author: Cerasi J.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: FRVS Euro Voyage, hockey movies, FRVS episodes, you'll know 'em when you see 'em.
Feedback: Yes, please! I love it! CerasiJ@yahoo.com
Archiving: FRVS, FFO, FF.Net... if you want it, drop me a line.
Disclaimer: Don't own X-files characters, the Washington Capitals, the Colorado Avalanche, David Aebischer or Peter Forsberg. (BUT I WANNA!!! WHY CAN'T I?! WHY, WHY, WHY?!)
Author's Note: Um, yeah, can you tell what my obsession is? Also, please note that most of Brad's quotes in this story are actually my own used to put my television in it's place during the playoff's. I would also like to note that the phrase, "YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!" is from the movie Trading Places. But, whatever. On with the story!
Summary: Krycek is convinced he can pick up girls by playing hockey and a few mishaps teach him otherwise.
FADE IN:
INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment - 8:11 P.M.
CUT TO:* We can hear the sounds of a television and the sizzle of something of the stove. We can also hear faint laughs. We slowly drift into the kitchen where Monica and Dana are chatting happily while cooking dinner. The cozy apartment is cheery tonight and all is well with those who reside there. Well, almost.]
[Pan to Brad, who is wearing a white Washington Capitals jersey. He is sitting on the edge of the couch, chewing nerviously on his thumbnail. He is watching a hockey game, the D.C. Capitals vs. the Mighty Ducks of Anahiem. Suddenly, Brad jumps up, knocking over a can of Bud in the process, he points accusingly at the television.]
BRAD
(Screaming at TV)
AW, C'MON! YOU CALL THAT HIGH STICKING?!
MY GRANDMOTHER CAN HIGH STICK BETTER THAN THAT, YOU MOTHER-...!
[Monica sticks her head out of the kitchen doorway.]
MONICA
BRADLEY! LANGUAGE!
[Brad slumps in his seat, shoving his hands through his hair in anger, the Capitals were down 1-2 with two minutes left in the third period! He was going to owe Skinner and Doggett fifty bucks a piece if they didn't tie the game!]
HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett's house - 8:12 P.M.
[Skinner and Doggett are sitting on the couch, lounging in sweat pants and college t-shirts. Beer cans and bags of chips are strewn about on the coffee table. They are watching the same game and cackling insanely.]
DOGGETT
[Between laughs]
Only an idiot would bet on the Caps this year, they suck!
[Skinner and Doggett laugh it up as we CUT BACK to the apartment.]
TV ANNOUNCER
"... Kolzig sets it up behind the net...
stolen by Adam Oates! One-man rush! HE SHOOTS!
HE SCORES! THE MIGHTY DUCKS WIN THE GAME 3-1 in
Washington tonight folks, see you at the next
Capitals game live from the Mile-High City!"
BRAD
DAMMIT!
HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett's house - 8:13 P.M.
SKINNER/DOGGETT
(Five high each other)
YEESSS!!!
DOGGETT
Fifty bucks! All right!
HARD CUT TO: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment - 8:13 P.M.
BRAD
ARRRGGHHH!!!!
[In the kitchen, Monica has had just about enough of Brad screaming. The upstairs neighbors were starting to call! She hands Dana a wooden spoon with instructions to keep stirring the pasta boiling on the stove. She enters the living room.]
MONICA
Brad, what's going on with all the screaming?
BRAD
(Is looking around for something to throw)
The Caps lost! THEY LOST!
[Monica raises an eyebrow, confused. Brad finally picks up a copy of The Hockey News and throws it at the television screen.]
BRAD
THEY /LOST/, MONICA!
That means they kiss the division title BYE-BYE!
[There is a knock at the door. Brad gets up to answer, but immediately sits down again when Dana skips into the living room.]
SCULLY
(Cheerfully)
I'll get it!
[Monica is looking confused.]
MONICA
Brad... since when did you get into hockey?
BRAD
Since it's not football season,
I had to watch /something/! I hate basketball.
Reminds me of Mulder.
[Monica laughs and crosses the room as the phone rings.]
MONICA
Hello? Yes, he's here.
[She hands the phone to Brad.]
MONICA
It's for you.
[She walks out of the room and back into the kitchen, Dana has gone to answer the door and is nowhere in sight. Good thing, too, because Monica probably would have opened fire on her. There is water all over the kitcher counter tops, and strands of pasta are hanging from the walls and ceiling like demented party steamers.]
MONICA
(Tweak from South Park style)
ARGH!
BRAD
(V.O., on phone)
AW, FOR GOD'S SAKE WALTER, HE WAS NOT OUT OF THE CREASE!
I refuse to believe that Giguere would fake a penalty when
his team was winning! GIGUERE'S THE GOALIE FOR GOD'S SAKE!
[Scully skips into the kitchen; she is followed by Alex Krycek. Krycek is carrying a large, black garbage bag over his shoulder.]
MONICA
Well, if it isn't Santa Clause.
KRYCEK
That's right, Monica Baby, and Papa Alex
has a special toy just for you...
[Krycek winks; Monica shutters and Dana rolls her eyes.]
MONICA
What do you want, Alex?
BRAD
(V.O., on phone)
MAKE A BET ON THE COLORADO GAME?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!
...No, I do not think David Aebischer is better
than Patrick Roy, Martin Broduer, sure, but not
Patrick Roy. NO JOHN, THAT IS NOT A BET!
[We hear another copy of The Hockey News smack against the TV.]
MONICA
(Sighs)
Dana, could you do me a favor and go and ask
Brad what he would like to drink? Could you
also ask him to stop throwing newspapers?
SCULLY
Sure.
[As soon as Scully is gone, Krycek empties the contents of his bag onto the kitchen floor. It's laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.]
KRYCEK
Mulder clogged the washing machine with replacement
fish he bought at Wal-Mart, so, I need you to do my laundry for me.
[Monica glares at him.]
KRYCEK
And I need to borrow three cups of oregano.
MONICA
(Surprised)
Three cups? What for?
KRYCEK
Er, uh, for Krycek's Famous Manicotti.
It's an old family recipe.
MONICA
Manicotti is an Italian dish... your family is from Russia.
KRYCEK
DAT'S RIGHT! I'M DA MAN! Really, baby, I just
needed to see ya. It's really lonely at my place,
and I was sick of Mulder playing Simon Says with himself.
FLASH CUT: INT. Fox Mulder's Apartment - 8:20 P.M.
[Mulder is in the bathroom; he is standing in front of the mirror.]
MULDER
JUMP UP AND DOWN!
[Mulder starts jumping up and down and suddenly stops.]
MULDER
(Laughing/snorting)
HAH! SIMON DIDN'T SAY!
FLASH CUT: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment - 8:21 P.M.
[At that point, Scully walks back in, her eyes are glued to the newspaper she has picked up, she is gaping at the photographs.]
SCULLY
(Practically drooling)
Oh. My. God.
KRYCEK
(Curious)
What are you looking at?
SCULLY
(Giggles/blushes)
Oh, nothing.
[She shoves the paper in Monica's hand and busies herself with setting the table and preparing a salad. Monica looks at the paper, her eyes grow big and she nods approvingly at Scully. Krycek is a tad confused, and decides to leave before Monica sticks him on dish duty. He waves to the two women, but they are not paying attention.]
KRYCEK
Later.
[As soon as Krycek has left the room, Dana and Monica begin giggling insanely about the man featured on the cover of the paper.]
MONICA
Where did you find this?
SCULLY
It was one of Brad's papers; that he threw at the TV.
I picked them up and there he was!
MONICA
Wow, he's really cute! Who is he?
SCULLY
I don't know, just some hockey player!
Open it; let's see who he is!
MONICA
(Scans the paper)
It says his name is Peter Forsberg. Did you read the article?
SCULLY
No, not yet! Read it to me while I set the table.
[What Monica and Dana don't realize is that Krycek is pressed against the wall listening to their conversation.]
MONICA
(Reading out loud)
"Peter Forsberg is the blue-eyed Swede who
has a Cinderella story behind him. He was
the player that scored the winning goal against
Canada in the 1994 Olympics. He was also the
first Swedish hockey player to be put on a postage stamp."
SCULLY
Wow. A postage stamp? He must be pretty important.
MONICA
Yeah! That's what it says! He's only ever
played for one team, Colorado, it says he was
traded to the Flyers, but he never played for them.
[Scully looks over Monica's shoulder at pictures of Peter Forsberg holding his stick proudly above his head, obviously celebrating a goal. His back is to the camera, his helmet is off and bits of auburn hair are stuck out everywhere.]
SCULLY
Wow. Look at that ass.
MONICA
You could iron a shirt on his stomach.
SCULLY
Is he single?
MONICA
(Dreamily)
I don't know. Did you ever want to date a
jock when you were in high school? Because
I think it would be kind of cool to date a hockey player.
[In the hallway, Krycek's face suddenly brightens as something brilliant dawns on him.]
SCULLY
(Goes back to setting the table)
Have you ever noticed how hot Swedish guys are?
I mean, they're like, the cream of the crop so to speak.
[Monica and Scully's voices fade out as we pan to Krycek who is stroking his chin thoughtfully.]
KRYCEK
Chicks dig hockey players... Hmmm...
[Alex squares his shoulders and quietly shows himself out.]
FADE OUT
FADE IN
CUT TO: INT. Fox Mulder's Apartment - 9:51 P.M.
[Que audio: We hear Mulder singing.]
[We see Mulder at the table, he is dressed in jogging gear. We can see he has a bowl of cereal in front of him, there is a box of Lucky Charms on the table. As we move closer we realize there is cereal all over the table, as if it has been spilled. Plastic rustles. Mulder is digging through the cereal in search of a Finding Nemo fish-shaped Krazy straw prize. He dumps a bowl-full of cereal on the table, shakes his head and continues digging.]
MULDER
(Singing)
OH THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS,
IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS!
[Mulder dumps more cereal onto the table and returns to the process of prize hunting. Mulder, however, is oblivious to the fact that Krycek has already found the prize and has already sold it on eBay.]
MULDER
(Singing)
THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER,
THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!
[Mulder dumps the last of the cereal onto the table and pouts when he does not find the the prize.]
MULDER
Oh well.
[Mulder puts the cereal box on his head with the intention of using it as a hat to accompany his wonderful singing talents. The box, however, manages to slip down, so it now covers Mulder's face.]
MULDER
(Singing, muffled by box)
THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS,
IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS,
THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER,
THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!
[Off screen, we hear a door slam. Krycek is home. Back in the kitchen, Mulder is now standing on his chair swinging his arms about a la crazy oprea singer. He has changed songs.]
MULDER
(Singing, muffled by box)
I FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE TO YOOOOOOUUUUU!!
DUN-UH-DUN! DUN-UH-DUN!
[The camera pans to the doorway, where Krycek now stands. We notice Krycek is dressed to the Nines in hockey gear, complete with Jason-style facemask. He pushes his facemask back so that it sits atop his head; he has a disturbed look on his face. Krycek carefully approaches Mulder, we realize Krycek is even wearing ice skates and he is leaving gouge marks in the hardwood floor. With an eyebrow quirked, Alex grins. He just can't resist. He has to test out the new stick, after all... There is a loud /CRACK!/ as Krycek's hockey stick connects with the side of Mulder's head. Mulder tumbles to the floor.]
MULDER
(Screaming in pain)
OWWIE!!
[Krycek smiles and stands his hockey stick in the corner.]
[At this point in time Mulder is rolling around on the floor, screaming, trying to pull the box off his head.]
MULDER
(Screaming/Panicking)
I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!
KRYCEK
(Rolls eyes)
Take the cereal box off your head!
[Mulder finally pulls the box off his head. His eyes are closed.]
MULDER
(Screaming)
I STILL CAN'T SEE!!
KRYCEK
Open your eyes, jackass!
[Mulder opens his eyes and sighs in relief.]
MULDER
Alex! Oh, It's you! The aliens! I heard them!
I thought I was going to be taken like they took Sam-!
Poor Sammie!
[Mulder's eyes grow very large and well up with tears, we know he's going to re-hash the whole damn alien story again. Krycek heads him off at the pass. He motions to his hockey gear and raises an eyebrow suggestively.]
KRYCEK
Hey! What do you think of my new duds?
Am I a stud or what? I'M DA MAN!
MULDER
(Looks Alex up and down)
Ooh! I didn't know you liked hockey!
Are you trying out for that team?
Um... The one with the little kids, you know?
With the ducks?
KRYCEK
/The Mighty Ducks/?
MULDER
No... you know. The one with Russel Crowe?
Where they made the guy skate naked?
KRYCEK
/Mystery Alaska/?
MULDER
Um, no... the other one!
KRYCEK
WHAT OTHER ONE?! THERE IS NO OTHER ONE!
MULDER
The one with Paul Newman!
KRYCEK
/Slap-Shot/?
MULDER
Umm... no...
[Krycek straightens his jersey, which bares the logo of the New York Rangers.]
KRYCEK
NO! I'm not trying out for any of those teams!
Man, don't you get it? Chicks dig hockey!
Monica totally wanted to get in my pants!
MULDER
Then why are you here and not at Monica's?
KRYCEK
THAT'S NOT THE POINT! She was totally turned on
by all those hockey players on TV. Brad was watching a game.
MULDER
How do you know she was turned on
by all those hockey players?
KRYCEK
Because, she and Dana sat there and
giggled about how hot this Swedish guy was.
MULDER
But you're not Swedish, you're Russian.
KRYCEK
I am too Swedish, listen, I've got
their accent down pat!
(He takes a deep breath)
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
MULDER
That doesn't even sound Swedish.
KRYCEK
Yes, it does!
MULDER
No, it doesn't!
KRYCEK
Yes, it does!
MULDER
No, it doesn't!
KRYCEK
Yes, it does!
MULDER
No, it doesn't!
KRYCEK
YES!!!
MULDER
NO!!!
[Krycek reaches out and grabs Mulder in a headlock.]
MULDER
YOU WIN, YOU WIN!!
[Krycek smiles smugly.]
MULDER
Anyway, you know Monica, she's not going
to give you the time of day, even with the hockey gear.
KRYCEK
[Scoffs]
She's just trying to play hard-to-get!
You know how much she wants me and my
Russian-er, Swedish-Love Gun!
I'm such a sexy bitch!
MULDER
[Shrugs]
Okay, Alex, whatever you say! Hey, by the way,
Super Buddy, I think the aliens abducted my
Lucky Charms! There's no prize in the cereal box!
[Krycek is obviously ignoring Mulder. He has picked up a pot on the stove and is fluffing his hair a bit, using the shiney copper bottom as a mirror.]
KRYCEK
(Points at himself)
Yeah, who scores with all the chicks? ALEX! Can ya dig it?
MULDER
The pots and pans! Great idea, Alex! I would have
never thought of that! Fish and pots! It goes
together like hamburgers and cheese!
[Mulder opens the cupboard and begins picking up every pot and looking underneath for his Finding Nemo prize.]
KRYCEK
(Strikes a few poses/still using the pot as a mirror)
YEAH DUDE, I ROCK!
With these new threads Monica won't be able to resist me!
[We pan downward, where Mulder is still digging through the cupboard in search of his prize. He is humming Weezer's "Knock Down Drag Out".]
MULDER
TAKE NO PRISONERS! HERE! IN! THIS! KNOCK DOWN DRAG-OUT WAR!
THAT WE'RE WADGING! ON! EACH! OTHER FOREVER MORE!
(He pauses)
Sasha, I'm running out of songs to sing, I've sung
the Tigger song, the War song and that one song that
you sing in the shower a lot.
[Alex's head snaps up.]
KRYCEK
You listen to me in the shower?! You prev.
You're no better than Monica, trying to get
in my pants all the time.
MULDER
You're the perv, Alex! You're always talking
about Brad and Monica having sex!
KRYCEK
Am not!
MULDER
Are too!
KRYCEK
D2!
MULDER
See?! You even made sweet, innocent R2-D2 into a pervert!
KRYCEK
I did not! He was a perv before I said he was!
MULDER
Was not!
KRYCEK
Was too!
MULDER
Was not!
KRYCEK
Was too!
MULDER
Was not!
KRYCEK
Was too!
MULDER
NOT!!!
KRYCEK
TOO!!!
MULDER
NOT!!!
KRYCEK
Don't make me use that again.
(He points at his hockey stick for emphasis.)
[Mulder pouts.]
MULDER
Fine. But I still don't get your stupid hockey idea.
Are you going to take my advice and go from figure
skater to hockey player? Hey! Maybe we can write a
movie about that! You can be the struggling figure
skater, desperate to get into the Olympics, and the
only way to get in is to become a hockey player for
Canada, who's team is down by one point and you come
and score the winning goal! And then you're famous
and have a Gold metal! We can call it "Miracle on Ice"!
KRYCEK
Mulder. That already happened. Only it was the
United States team instead of Canada, and they
already have a movie based on it called
"Miracle on Ice". Kurt Russel is in it.
[Mulder pouts again.]
MULDER
Oh. But I still don't get the hockey idea.
KRYCEK
Monica and Dana totally dig these hockey players,
right? So I'm thinking, I can make Monica and Dana
crazy with my new hockey gear, and maybe that'll
make Marita jealous, and she'll leave that Alfredo
bastard and come back to me.
MULDER
Oohh, so this is all for Marita?
KRYCEK
Yeah. Sorta.
(He looks at his watch)
Well. It's late, I'm going to go to bed,
catch some Z's, because it's gonna take
all my energy to keep Monica busy tomorrow.
[Krycek winks; Mulder shudders.]
[And with that we FADE OUT.]
[*FADE IN
EXT. Washington D.C. Public Library-8:51 A.M.
[We pan inside the library, where Krycek has snuck in earlier this morning. He is still dressed in full hockey gear, complete with skates, he figures he's going to go for the classic Gretsky look. He is sitting at a table in front of a stereo, he is wearing a pair of head phones. Next to him is an 8-Tape set of "Swedish For Dummies". He is flipping through the phrase book, writing down words as they catch his attention. Krycek pauses mid-flip and listens intently to the tape.]
KRYCEK
(Loudly)
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
LIBRARY PATRONS
(Pissed off)
SHHHH!!!
KRYCEK
(To the library patrons)
FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
[Krycek takes a deep breath and concentrates, he continues listening to the tape. The tape instructs him to listen carefully and repeat the Swedish part of the sentence.]
TAPE
(Female, with a Swedish accent)
Hello, my name is... (Pause) Hallä, min namn är...
KRYCEK
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
PATRONS
(Really pissed off)
SHHH!!
KRYCEK
DAMMIT, SHUT UP! I'M LISTENIN' TO THE SWEDISH BROAD!!
[Krycek pushes a button on his tape player, we hear the classic squeaky fast-forward noise. The tape resumes playing.]
TAPE
(Female, with a Swedish accent)
Chapter One: Visiting Sweden.
Sweden is fantastic! ... Sverige är fantastist!
KRYCEK
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek's apartment-10:56 A.M.
FADE IN:
[We see Krycek in his bedroom, he is sprawled out on his bed surrounded by Swedish language tapes, Swedish guidebooks, hockey pucks, a New York Islanders home jersey and a copy of /Hockey for Dummies/. We can also see that he has re-decorated his room with hockey sticks and Wayne Gretzky posters. As we come closer we notice Krycek is still wearing headphones, but he is not listening to his language tapes.]
KRYCEK
(Singing loudly)
THE DANCING QUEEN! YOUNG AND SWEET! ONLY SEVENTEEN!
[We CUT TO the hallway, where Mulder is walking past Krycek's room. Mulder stops and looks confused when he sees Krycek laying on his stomach, his feet in the air like a teenage girl talking on the telephone.]
MULDER
Sasha... are you okay?
[Krycek, however, can't hear Mulder.]
KRYCEK
(Singing loudly)
DON'T TURN AROUND! 'CUZ YOU'RE GONNA SEE MY HEART BREAKIN!
DON'T TURN AROUND! I DON'T WANT YOU SEEIN' ME CRY!
[Mulder steps into the room, Krycek glances up, startled.]
KRYCEK
DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!
[Krycek is scrambling to hide his Abba and Ace of Base CDs.]
MULDER
Why are you listening to Abba and Ace of Base?
Those bands haven't been popular for years!
KRYCEK
None of your business.
MULDER
Aw, c'mon, you can tell me! I won't laugh! Wait!
I'll guess! I know! You're planning a trip for all
of the Super Buddies to go see Abba in concert,
and you're just trying to learn the words to some of their songs!
Right?
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Aw, c'mon! I give up! Tell me!
KRYCEK
No.
[Mulder sits down on Krycek's bed]
MULDER
C'mon Alex, why are you being so stubborn?
Just tell me!
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Yes.
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Yes.
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Yes.
KRYCEK
NO!
MULDER
Fine, okay! No need to get nasty about it!
[Krycek stands up to leave]
KRYCEK
I'm goin' to Monica's.
Hopefully I won't be back soon.
[Krycek winks; Mulder shudders.]
CUT TO: INT. J. Edgar Hoover Building- Brad's office- 11:05 A.M.
FADE IN:
[Brad is sitting at his desk, he is drinking a Starbucks Venti mocha latté and reading a report. He looks very calm and collected compared to night the before when he was yelling things at the television set. The camera slowly circles the room, we can now see over Brad's right shoulder, we realize he is not reading a report because there is a copy of Power Play magazine tucked into the folder. He turns a page in the magazine and sips at his latté.]
BRAD
(Takes a sip of his coffee/not looking up)
Come in.
[Doggett and Skinner enter; they are wearing smug grins as they approach Brad's desk]
DOGGETT
Brad, my man. I do believe you owe me one President Grant.
SKINNER
Make that a double.
[Brad looks up, startled. His startled expression slowly turns into a slight scowl as he realizes who just walked through his door.]
BRAD
Walter, John. What a nice surprise,
can I get you gentlemen a cup of coffee?
SKINNER
Quit stalling, Follmer, pay up.
BRAD
You know, for one thing I don't think it was a fair win,
I mean, they practically cut off Kolzig's head and handed
it to him! And for one thing, Jagr was out with that sprained
ankle, so without him the team is practically bust-...
DOGGETT
C'mon Brad, you lost, fair and square, you owe us fifty bucks.
[Brad glares at Doggett for a moment, finally reaches into his pocket and pulls out two fifty dollar bills. Doggett and Skinner eagerly accept the bills, they both grin at each other, and then at Brad.]
DOGGETT
Ehh... you know, Brad, there's a really good chance that
Washington will lose to Colorado. I mean... that is, if you wanna...
(He winks at Walter)
...make a bet on it.
BRAD
But Colorado is one of the toughest teams in the Northwest Division,
what makes you think they would lose to Washington?
Washington isn't exactly on top of their game this season.
SKINNER
Yeah... but since Patrick Roy retired and they put their second string goalie
into the net, Colorado's been having a tough time with their goaltending.
They've only be able to stay on top because of great defense.
[Brad now looks intrigued. Doggett and Skinner grin at each other; not so nice grins...]
SKINNER
Colorado doesn't stand a chance against Washington.
Our defense will kill them on their goaltending.
DOGGETT
Yeah.
BRAD
Oh, well. Okay. But I still don't know about the bet...
DOGGETT
C'mon Brad, what's it going to hurt?
BRAD
Who are you going to bet on?
DOGGETT
I don't know...
(nudges Walter)
But I think Colorado will lose.
SKINNER
(Nudges back)
Yeah, I know Colorado'll lose.
BRAD
(Folds his hands)
Alrighty, so you two bet fifty bucks that Colorado will lose,
I bet fifty that they'll win.
[Skinner and Doggett blink.]
DOGGETT
Err... what?
BRAD
You two bet fifty bucks on Colorado, you bet that they will lose to Washington.
I'm betting fifty as well, on Colorado. I'm betting they'll win over Washington.
DOGGETT
Er, uh...
[Doggett glances warily at Skinner, Brad smiles politely.]
SKINNER
Um, I wanna change my bet.
BRAD
Sorry gentlemen, all bets are final.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
I have a stack of paperwork bigger than a zamboni.
[Brad keeps on smiling as Doggett and Skinner slink out the door.]
FADE OUT:
TIME CUT: Green Frog Tavern-9:15 P.M.
FADE IN:
[The Green Frog Tavern is a well lighted, cheery place friends can go after work to tip back a few. It is the tavern where Doggett and Reyes had a few brews before she took him home and got in a horrible car accident. The whole gang is there tonight, Doggett, Skinner, Mulder and Spender are all sitting at the bar, eating peanuts, drinking beer, watching football and grunting the occasional "Gimme the peanuts" at each other. Well, all accept Mulder, that is. Mulder is chewing on the nuts and chittering in the same manner as a squirrel with A.D.D. Brad, Monica and Scully are all laughing it up and shooting some pool. Marita is nowhere to be seen, of course.]
[We slowly pan to the door, it opens, revealing Krycek, (in all his sweaty glory), in his hockey gear, fresh off the ice. He swaggers in; Brad, Monica and Scully look up. Brad rolls his eyes.]
BRAD
Oh my God, look at Gordie Howe over there.
MONICA
(Confused)
Why is he dressed like that?
SCULLY
Don't say anything to him! Then he'll come
over here and everyone will know we know him!
[Mulder looks over and sees Alex]
MULDER
Sasha! I didn't know you were coming! C'mere and
eat some peanuts with us! Look, Monica, Brad and
Dana are all over there playing pool!
MONICA
D'oh!
[Krycek ignores Mulder for the moment, he has his sights set on a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the bar, she is drinking a Coors Lite and picking at a basket of popcorn shrimp. Krycek grins and saunters over to her.]
KRYCEK
(Speaking Swedish)
God afton.
(Good evening.)
[The young woman glances up sharply, startled by the use of her native language.]
YOUNG WOMAN
Talar ni svenska?!
(Do you speak Swedish?!)
KRYCEK
(Sexy tone)
Yah.
(Yeah.)
[In the background, Brad, Monica and Dana are all glancing bewilderly at each other.]
MONICA
When did bonehead learn to speak Swedish?
BRAD
I have no idea.
SCULLY
Fifty bucks says he can't speak it at all,
he's probably listening to a set of headphones
and the tape is in his pocket or something.
MONICA
I'll take that bet.
[The three of them move in closer to hear Krycek's conversation.]
YOUNG WOMAN
(Smiles at Krycek)
Mitt namn är Helga.
(My name's Helga.)
KRYCEK
(Doesn't know what this means)
Uhh... De tar i tårna.
(They pinch my toes.)
[Krycek is thinking he just said, "Like my hockey stick?" Helga, however, looks confused, but she plays along. She smiles.]
HELGA
Förlåt?
(I beg your pardon?)
KRYCEK
(Seductively, leans closer)
Vill ni vara vänlig och fylla I den här blanketten?
(Would you mind filling in this registration form?)
HELGA
(Blinks)
Uh... Ursäkta?
(Excuse me?)
[In the background, Brad, Monica and Scully are laughing hysterically]
KRYCEK
(Turns, glares at them, to Helga, sexy)
Jag skulle vilja ha helförsäkning?
(I want full insurance.)
HELGA: (Really confused, trying not to laugh) Uh, Jag forstar inte.
(Uh... I don't understand.)
BRAD: (Laughing) Alex, speak English!
KRYCEK
(Angerily, meaning to say "I don't speak English!")
Detta är inte MINA skor!
(These aren't MY shoes!)
[Helga hides a giggle behind her hand, Monica and Scully are clinging to the pool table, hyperventilating. Krycek turns back to Helga and attemps once more to act sexy in his hockey gear.]
KRYCEK
(Sexy)
Jag har förstoppning.
[At this point in time, Helga bursts out laughing. She is laughing so hard she spills her drink all over the bar.]
HELGA
(Between laughs)
Oh... My... God!
You just said "I'm constipated"!
KRYCEK
YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!
HELGA
(Laughing)
Of course I speak English!
I teach at the University!
KRYCEK
(Freaking out)
What do you mean, 'you teach at the University'?!
HELGA
(Still laughing)
I mean, I teach German history at the University of Washington D.C.
KRYCEK
(Wary)
How old are you?
HELGA
Forty-four.
KRYCEK
AHHHHHH!!!
[At that point in time, Krycek runs screaming from the bar, leaving Helga, Brad, Scully and Monica chortling in his wake.]
[TIME CUT: Mulder and Krycek's apartment-11:25 P.M.]
[It's late when Mulder comes home. His spirits are high and he is very happy because the Washington Redskins beat the New York Jets 36-3. He enters the apartment and slips off his shoes and jacket and sets it on a small bench in the hallway. Suddenly Mulder notices that everything is dark and quiet in his small abode. Where was Krycek? Mulder saw him leave the bar so he probably went home, right? Where else would he be...?]
MULDER
(Frightened)
Sasha?
[He creeps toward the back of the apartment.]
MULDER:
Alex? Are you here?
[As he creeps deeper into the apartment, he starts to hear strains of music.]
CD PLAYER:
Mamma Mia! Here I go again! Mamma Mia...!
MULDER:
(Confused)
Alex?
[He walks into the living room, surprised to see Krycek lying face first on the couch in his underwear, his hockey gear strewn about the room. The CD player is on and blaring Abba's Greatest Hits. Mulder turns on the lights.]
MULDER:
Alex! There you are! What's going on?
KRYCEK:
(Depressed)
... Nothin'.
MULDER:
Why are you sitting here in your underwear listening to Abba?
KRYCEK:
(Depressed)
... Dunno.
[Mulder can hear the depressed tone in Alex's voice.]
MULDER:
(Sits down beside Krycek)
C'mon Alex, what's the matter?
[Krycek rolls over on his back and stares at the ceiling.]
KRYCEK:
Aw, Mulder, who am I kidding? I'll never get Marita back.
She's in love with that Alfredo bastard.
(He sniffles)
MULDER:
Oh...! Alex! Is this about that Swedish teacher at the bar?
KRYCEK:
WHO TOLD YOU?!
MULDER:
I was there, remember?
KRYCEK:
Oh. Yeah.
MULDER:
Well, is this about the Swedish lady?
KRYCEK:
(Sniffles)
I made such an ass of myself.
MULDER:
It's not the first time, Alex, you've made a butt-head out of yourself before.
KRYCEK:
Yeah, I know... but... I just want my Marita back...
(Sniffles louder)
MULDER:
Awww... Sasha! You know what will make you feel all better?
Some nice, soft music and a biiiigggg cup of my famous hot chocolate!
KRYCEK:
(Still depressed)
Yeah, okay, whatever.
[Mulder gets up and goes over to change the radio station. Abba goes off and a modern rock station comes on. Mulder is reaching for the knob to change the station when the phone rings.]
MULDER:
(Happy)
I'll get it!
[He skips out of the room to answer the phone. Krycek starts to zone out when something on the radio catches his attention.]
RADIO DJ #1:
(Cornball chuckle)
Heh heh heh, that's right! It's hockey night in D.C.! We're givin' away a trip for you and ten of your closest friends to fly
round trip first class to Denver, Colorado to see the Washington Capitals cream the Colorado Avalanche!
RADIO DJ #2:
(Cornball chuckle)
HEH HEH! THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE GONNA CREAM 'EM, YEAH!
RADIO DJ #1:
YEAH! Heh heh! You'll get tickets to the game, round trip airfare, three nights in the Westin hotel, and $500 spending cash for the first caller... right now!
KRYCEK:
KICK ASS!
[Krycek scrambles off the couch and dives for the phone that's next to the TV. He picks it up and holds it to his ear.]
TELEMARKETER:
(Robotic voice)
If... you... would... like... to... purchase... a... Chia... George... Bush... please... press... one... now...
KRYCEK:
(Screams)
MULDER, GET OFF THE PHONE!!!!
[Mulder quickly hangs up the phone and Krycek hurrily dials the number to the radio station. The phone rings.]
KRYCEK:
C'mon.... c'mon...
RADIO DJ #1:
(Cornball chuckle)
Heh heh! This is XQTW, Today's New Modern Rock! Who's this?
KRYCEK:
ALEX KRYCEK! RUSSIAN LOVE GOD!
RADIO DJ #2:
Errr... what?
KRYCEK:
(Excited)
AM I CALLER NUMBER ONE?!
RADIO DJ #1:
(Cornball chuckle)
That depends, heh heh! Can you name the lead singer of Donny and Marie AND the number of molcules in that person's car?!
KRYCEK:
Err... Donny... and... three billion.
[The DJs pause.]
RADIO DJ #2:
OH MY GOD! HE GOT IT RIGHT!
[DJs gasp.]
RADIO DJ #1:
YOU WIN!
KRYCEK:
(Excited shriek)
REALLY?!
RADIO DJ #2:
Yes! You win the tickets! Who are you gonna take with you?!
KRYCEK:
WHO CARES?! MARITA WILL LOVE ME AGAIN BECAUSE I'M GONNA BE THE
HOTTEST RUSSIAN-SWEDISH HOCKEY PLAYER EVER!!
RADIO DJ #1:
Yeeaahhh... whatever.
[After a few moments on the phone, Krycek gives the DJs his personal information so he can go and pick up his prize. Mulder comes into the living room with two huge steaming mugs of hot chocolate.]
MULDER:
(Holds the cup out to Krycek)
Here you go! I steamed the milk with my espresso machine!
KRYCEK:
You don't have an espresso machine!
MULDER:
Yes, I do!
KRYCEK:
No, you don't!
MULDER:
Yes, I do!
KRYCEK:
No, you don't!
MULDER:
Yes, I do!
KRYCEK:
No, you don't!
MULDER:
No, I don't!
KRYCEK:
Yes, you do!
MULDER:
See, even you agree with me, I do have an espresso maker!
[Mulder sticks his tongue out at Krycek.]
KRYCEK:
DAMN YOU! Anyway, it's not important, I know how I can get Marita back!
MULDER:
(Sips his drink)
How?
KRYCEK:
A romantic Rocky Mountain getaway to see a hockey game!
MULDER:
(Gasp)
WOW!
KRYCEK:
Yeah! I just won a radio contest, me and ten friends get to go to Denver to see a game!
MULDER:
TEN FRIENDS?!
(Squeals)
ALL RIGHT! A SUPER BUDDIES TRIP!
KRYCEK:
I didn't say it was for Super Buddies!
MULDER:
(Sniffle)
Oh... Okay, I get it, Marita is more important than your friends...
[Mulder starts to cry.]
KRYCEK:
Aw God, don't start that! Fine, it's a Super Buddies outting!
MULDER:
YAY!
[He hugs Krycek.]
MULDER:
Okay, you and ten friends, so that's me, Brad, Skinner, Doggett, Monica, Scully, Spender, and Marita!
But what about the other two spots?
KRYCEK:
Who cares! We'll worry about that later, let's make some phone calls!
[Krycek picks up the phone.]
[CUT TO: INT. Brad Follmer's Bedroom - 11:35 P.M.]
[We see Brad is lying on his side, sleeping. Monica has her arm thrown over his waist. The telephone rings, and he opens one eye to stare at it. It rings again.]
MONICA:
(Sleepy)
Answer the phone, Brad.
BRAD:
(Sleepy)
You answer it.
MONICA:
You're closer.
[Damn. She had him there. Brad flops his arm to the general area where the phone is. His hand makes contact with it and he picks it up.]
BRAD:
(Mumbles)
Hello?
[There is silence for a moment as Brad is listening to the caller. Suddenly his eyes pop wide open and he bolts upright in bed.]
BRAD:
HELL YES, WE'LL GO WITH YOU! AND DON'T EVER CALL AT THIS HOUR AGAIN!
[Monica also bolts upright when Brad starts yelling.]
MONICA:
WHAT'S GOING ON?!
[Brad hangs up the phone and turns to Monica calmly.]
BRAD:
Nothing dear, just a wrong number. (Her kisses her cheek) Goodnight.
[Brad rolls over and goes back to sleep.]
[CUT BACK TO: Mulder and Krycek's living room-11:37 P.M.]
KRYCEK:
(Hangs up the phone)
ALL RIGHT! We got Monica and Brad!
MULDER:
Yay!
(High fives Krycek)
[They go through all the telephone calls this way, inviting everyone on their list... surprisingly, everyone excepts the invitation and only Marita remains on the list of Super Buddies.]
KRYCEK:
Errr... ummm... maybe we should call Marita in the morning.
[We all know Krycek is wary about speaking with Marita again... because everytime he does it seems like she just drives that nail deeper and deeper into his heart... awww.]
MULDER:
Do you want me to make the call?
KRYCEK:
(Suddenly brave)
No! No, I'll do it! I am a hockey player, after all.
[Krycek picks up the phone and dials the number...]
[CUT TO: INT. Robert Alfredo's living room - 11:40 P.M.]
[The room is dark, lit only by a few candles which are placed around the coffee table in a romantic setting. There is a bottle of bubbly and a plate of oysters on the half-shell on the table. Robert and Marita are cuddling closely on the couch.]
MARITA:
[Giggles]
I love you, Robert, you're a much better lover then Alex ever was!
[On cue, the phone rings, shattering the romantic atmosphere.]
ROBERT:
I'll get it.
MARITA:
No! Don't! It's so... un-lovey! It ruins the mood!
ROBERT:
Yeah, but it might be my mom!
MARITA:
(Is now mad and pouty)
Fine. I don't care.
ROBERT:
Aw, Marita! C'mon-...!
MARITA:
(Holds up hand)
No, just go ahead. See if I care.
ROBERT:
Argh.
(Reaches for the phone)
What?
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek's living room - 11:41 P.M.]
KRYCEK:
(Smug)
Alfredo, you bas-...
MULDER:
AHEM!
KRYCEK:
-You... old buddy of mine. Lemme talk to Marita.
ROBERT:
(Filtered, over phone)
She's not here.
KRYCEK:
You're such a liar, I can hear her whiney breathing in the background.
[Mulder gasps.]
MULDER:
Alex!
KRYCEK:
Shut up, Mulder.
(Sticks his tongue out)
[Robert puts Marita on the phone.]
MARITA:
(Filtered, over phone)
This is Marita speaking, who is this?
KRYCEK:
(Freezes when he hears Marita's sweet, sweet voice...)
Er, uh... this is, ahem, Alex.
MARITA:
Oh. What do you want?
KRYCEK:
Er, well, um. You see... I got tickets to this hockey game and-...
MARITA:
(Interrupts)
And you want me to go with you?
KRYCEK:
Er, well... yes.
MARITA:
Hockey is such a barbaric sport... grown men figure skating with tree branches!
Who would ever watch such a thing? Let alone play it! I'm sorry, Alex, but the answer is no.
I'm in love with Robert now, and I don't have time to watch a stupid hockey game with you.
[On Krycek's end of the line, his eyes fill with tears and he quickly blinks them away.]
KRYCEK:
Fine! But I still want my "Hawaiian Bunny" tape back, you bitch!
[Krycek slams the phone down. Mulder gasps again.]
MULDER:
Alex! You just called Marita a... a bad word!
KRYCEK:
(Now depressed again)
Yeah, big deal. Who cares.
MULDER:
She was mean to you again, wasn't she?
KRYCEK:
Yes.
MULDER:
Aw! It's okay, Alex, you'll find someone nicer and all the good stuff!
KRYCEK:
(Sniffles)
Yeah, well, now that she doesn't want to come to Denver with us, we have three open spots for our hockey trip.
And part of the agreement with the radio station was that if I can't get ten people, I have to pay for the remainder of the tickets.
[Suddenly, it seems that someone has turned on a light bulb on over Mulder's head.]
MULDER:
ALEX! I know how we can fill those last three spots for the hockey trip!
KRYCEK:
(Glumly)
How?
MULDER:
I'll invite three of my favoite Super Buddies!
KRYCEK:
Great idea! Who's it gonna be? Some hot broads, I hope!
[Mulder rushes over to the phone and frantically dials a number.]
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Kristi and Cassie's living room - 11:56 P.M.]
[Kristi and Cassie are sitting on their couch, relaxing after a hard day of figure skating at the ice rink. They are both sipping on Live Wire Mountain Dew slurppies and watching CSI on DVD.]
CASSIE:
I think Nick Stokes is much cuter than Greg Sanders.
KRISTI:
No way, Robert Patrick is better than both of them.
CASSIE:
Nick Stokes.
KRISTI:
Robert Patrick.
CASSIE:
Nick Stokes.
KRISTI:
Robert Patrick.
CASSIE:
Nick Stokes.
KRISTI:
Robert Patrick.
CASSIE:
NICK STOKES!
KRISTI:
ROBERT PATRICK!
[The phone rings.]
CASSIE:
You get it.
KRISTI:
No, you get it.
CASSIE:
You get it.
KRISTI:
You get it.
CASSIE:
You get it.
KRISTI:
FINE, I'LL GET THE DAMN THING!
CASSIE:
I thought so.
[Kristi gets up to answer the phone.]
KRISTI:
Hello?
MULDER:
(Filtered, over phone)
Hi!
KRISTI:
Uhh...
(looks at Cassie)
MULDER:
This is Fox Mulder, from Super Buddies!
[Kristi looks suspiciously at the Mountain Dew slurppie in her hand.]
CASSIE:
Who is it?
MULDER:
Krycek and I were wondering if you and Cassie would like to come to hockey game with us!
It's a Super Buddies outting!
KRISTI:
Uhh... sure... we'll be there.
MULDER:
Okay, bye!
KRISTI:
Bye...
[Mulder hangs up and Kristi promptly throws her Mountain Dew into a near-by trash can.]
KRISTI:
I'm never drinking Mountain Dew again.
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Cerasi's den - 11:56 P.M.]
[Pan around the den area, Cerasi is sitting at the computer, typing madly on FRVS Reviews as she is trying to beat her Friday deadline. The cell phone sitting on the computer table beside her starts to ring, the ring sounds like a noise a pinball machine would make. Cerasi looks at the cell phone and blinks.]
CERASI:
Hello?
MULDER:
(Filtered, over phone)
Hi!
CERASI:
Er...
[Cerasi looks a little freaked, she scrolls up and reads her work. She's really confused.]
CERASI:
Errr... umm... can I help you?
MULDER:
Krycek and I were wondering if you would like to come to hockey game with us!
It's a Super Buddies outting!
CERASI:
Er... uh... wait, did you say 'hockey game'?
MULDER:
Yeah, in Colorado!
[Cerasi looks over at the many Peter Forsberg posters plastered to her wall. There is a big heart drawn around one of them.]
CERASI:
Sure, I'll be there.
MULDER:
Yay! Great! Thank you!
[Cerasi hangs up the phone and glances at the Starbucks cup on her desk.]
CERASI:
I will never drink another Starbucks as long as I live.
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek's living room - Midnight]
[Mulder hangs up the phone, he is very happy.]
MULDER:
Cerasi, Kristi and Cassie can all make it and fill the empty spots!
KRYCEK:
Three broads? Wow Mulder, you do have connections!
[TIME CUT: - ONE WEEK LATER]
[Mulder, Krycek, Brad, Scully, Monica, Doggett, Skinner, Kristi, Cassie and Cerasi are standing at Gate 74, awaiting their flight to Denver. Doggett is already looking sick, Skinner and Brad have decided they are die-hard Caps fans and have gone all out with shirts, caps and jackets. Brad's laptop bag even has a Washington Capitals logo on it. Scully and Monica are quiet, but are secretly looking forward to watching all the cute hockey players strut their stuff on the ice. Krycek is dressed in his hockey gear again and Mulder is also quiet and wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs t-shirt. Cerasi is wearing headphones and is writing furiously in a notebook. Kristi and Cassie, however, are just wondering how the hell they got there.]
MULDER:
(Happy)
I heard Wayne Gretzky and Bobby Hull are gonna be on this flight!
[The gang glances warily at each other... they remember what happened last time...]
DOGGETT:
(To Brad)
Heh heh, I bet that Colorado is really gonna lose to the Caps, right Brad?
[Cerasi looks up.]
CERASI:
Are you nuts? Colorado is leading the league in scoring.
Milan Hejduk won the Maurice Richard trophy last year.
DOGGETT:
Eh, err. Oh. Yeah. I knew that.
[Cerasi rolls her eyes and Brad smirks.]
FLIGHT ATTENDENT:
Attention ladies and gentlemen, United flight 175 to Denver International Airport is now boarding,
please present your ticket at the gate, thank you and have a nice flight.
[TIME CUT: UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT 175 - 12:30 p.m.]
[Of course, we all know what's happening on the flight. We've seen it so many times before... Doggett is green, clutching an air-sickness bag and is blaming all his problems on Monica. Scully is trying to comfort Doggett. Brad, Skinner and Krycek are all just staying out of it. Mulder is running up and down, back and forth, checking every face in a vain attempt to get The Great One's autograph. Cerasi is writing "Peter Forsberg Rox My Sox" on the cover of her notebook and Kristi and Cassie are still wondering if there was something in the Mountain Dew. Well, since we got that all cleared up, on with the story!]
[TIME CUT: PEPSI CENTER - 1:30 - The Next Day]
[It's a bright, beautiful, clear, sunny day in Denver, Colorado. For an October day, the birds are singing, and all the leaves on the trees are a golden yellow. Speer Boulevard is crowded as always, but for a different reason today. Nine out of ten cars are making the right hand turn from Speer onto Chopper Lane and heading for the Pepsi Center parking lot. Our gang arrives in a limo, which was part of the radio station deal. Krycek is wearing all his hockey gear, (and this time is wearing a Washington Capitals jersey with 'Krycek' and the number 39 printed on the back) and has his nose pressed against the window of the limo.]
KRYCEK
Wow! Look at all those people, streaming into the Pepsi Center,
thinking their team is gonna win.
CERASI
Our team is gonna win, you dumbass.
KRYCEK
Was anyone talking to you?
MULDER
All right Super Buddies, let's not fight!
We're here to have fun and to watch a fun hockey game!
CERASI
(Snorts)
Fine, you're here to watch a fun hockey game,
I'm here to watch the Avs beat the crap out of Washington!
SKINNER
You take that back!
CERASI
Never!
[Cerasi and the Skin-Man are about to get into it, but suddenly, the limo stops. Everyone turns to look out the window; they've stopped in front of the Center. It's a clean building, very neat and tidy and new in architecture.]
EVERYONE
Ooooooh.
CERASI
(Opens her door)
LAST ONE OUT HAS TO... um... KISS KRYCEK!
[Everyone bolts from the limo and scampers up to the doors; even the limo driver has jumped out. After the dust settles, Krycek and Mulder are the only ones left in the car.]
MULDER
Hi!
KRYCEK
Oh, I'm so outta here.
[Krycek steps out of the limo. Of course, all of the fans gathered outside the doors notice the people getting out the limo. One fan in particular sees Krycek's hockey gear and jersey.]
AVALANCHE FAN #1
HEY! HE PLAYS FOR THE CAPS!
CROWD OF RABID AVALANCHE FANS
BOO!!!
CERASI
BOOOOO!!!
KRISTI
Um, yeah! BOOO!!!
[Cassie is attempting to click the heels of her tennis shoes together.]
CASSIE
(Muttering)
There's no place like home, there's no place like home...
[The crowd surges forward as they open the doors to the Pepsi Center, our gang, being VIPs, are ushered through before all the ticket-buying Coloradans. Monica and Dana stand in awe, gazing about at all the Avalanche and Nuggets (puke!) memorabilia.]
SCULLY
Wow, this place is huge!
MONICA
Uh oh, look!
[Monica points at the large glass windows, where a crowd of crazied 'Lanche fans have begun throwing souvenir hockey pucks, programs, hot pretzels, hats, and the occasional cup of beer at Krycek, the Wanna-be Washington Cap. Monica and Dana quickly decide it would be best if they traded in their own Washington gear for a Joe Sakic t-shirt and Avalanche Zambeani. They quickly scamper off to the Pepsi Center Trading Company to waste some of their hard-earned paychecks.]
[NOTE TO READER: A Zambeani is a bean-bag toy shaped like a zamboni. Also, the Pepsi Center Trading Company is a retail store inside the Pepsi Center where you can buy all sorts of cool Avalanche stuff.]
[Monica and Dana emerge from the Trading Company decked from head-to-toe in the home team's navy blue and burgany. Brad spots Monica from across the room, where he is purchasing a program.]
BRAD
Trader.
[Monica sticks her tongue out at him. We pan around and notice that Krycek has finally escaped the mob of rabid hockey fans.]
KRYCEK
(Brushes off his shirt)
God! They messed up my duds!
SCULLY
(Holds her nose)
And you smell like beer.
[Suddenly, a man approaches them. He is wearing dark sunglasses and a finely tailored suit. He is wearing one of those cool thingies in his ear and sort of looks like Agent Smith from The Matrix. He grabs Krycek by the arm and pulls him close.]
ASSISTANT COACH
(Whispers)
What are you doing up here?
You were supposed to be on the ice for warm-ups a half-hour ago!
KRYCEK
Uhh... what?
Author: Cerasi J.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: FRVS Euro Voyage, hockey movies, FRVS episodes, you'll know 'em when you see 'em.
Feedback: Yes, please! I love it! CerasiJ@yahoo.com
Archiving: FRVS, FFO, FF.Net... if you want it, drop me a line.
Disclaimer: Don't own X-files characters, the Washington Capitals, the Colorado Avalanche, David Aebischer or Peter Forsberg. (BUT I WANNA!!! WHY CAN'T I?! WHY, WHY, WHY?!)
Author's Note: Um, yeah, can you tell what my obsession is? Also, please note that most of Brad's quotes in this story are actually my own used to put my television in it's place during the playoff's. I would also like to note that the phrase, "YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!" is from the movie Trading Places. But, whatever. On with the story!
Summary: Krycek is convinced he can pick up girls by playing hockey and a few mishaps teach him otherwise.
FADE IN:
INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment - 8:11 P.M.
CUT TO:* We can hear the sounds of a television and the sizzle of something of the stove. We can also hear faint laughs. We slowly drift into the kitchen where Monica and Dana are chatting happily while cooking dinner. The cozy apartment is cheery tonight and all is well with those who reside there. Well, almost.]
[Pan to Brad, who is wearing a white Washington Capitals jersey. He is sitting on the edge of the couch, chewing nerviously on his thumbnail. He is watching a hockey game, the D.C. Capitals vs. the Mighty Ducks of Anahiem. Suddenly, Brad jumps up, knocking over a can of Bud in the process, he points accusingly at the television.]
BRAD
(Screaming at TV)
AW, C'MON! YOU CALL THAT HIGH STICKING?!
MY GRANDMOTHER CAN HIGH STICK BETTER THAN THAT, YOU MOTHER-...!
[Monica sticks her head out of the kitchen doorway.]
MONICA
BRADLEY! LANGUAGE!
[Brad slumps in his seat, shoving his hands through his hair in anger, the Capitals were down 1-2 with two minutes left in the third period! He was going to owe Skinner and Doggett fifty bucks a piece if they didn't tie the game!]
HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett's house - 8:12 P.M.
[Skinner and Doggett are sitting on the couch, lounging in sweat pants and college t-shirts. Beer cans and bags of chips are strewn about on the coffee table. They are watching the same game and cackling insanely.]
DOGGETT
[Between laughs]
Only an idiot would bet on the Caps this year, they suck!
[Skinner and Doggett laugh it up as we CUT BACK to the apartment.]
TV ANNOUNCER
"... Kolzig sets it up behind the net...
stolen by Adam Oates! One-man rush! HE SHOOTS!
HE SCORES! THE MIGHTY DUCKS WIN THE GAME 3-1 in
Washington tonight folks, see you at the next
Capitals game live from the Mile-High City!"
BRAD
DAMMIT!
HARD CUT TO: INT. John Doggett's house - 8:13 P.M.
SKINNER/DOGGETT
(Five high each other)
YEESSS!!!
DOGGETT
Fifty bucks! All right!
HARD CUT TO: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment - 8:13 P.M.
BRAD
ARRRGGHHH!!!!
[In the kitchen, Monica has had just about enough of Brad screaming. The upstairs neighbors were starting to call! She hands Dana a wooden spoon with instructions to keep stirring the pasta boiling on the stove. She enters the living room.]
MONICA
Brad, what's going on with all the screaming?
BRAD
(Is looking around for something to throw)
The Caps lost! THEY LOST!
[Monica raises an eyebrow, confused. Brad finally picks up a copy of The Hockey News and throws it at the television screen.]
BRAD
THEY /LOST/, MONICA!
That means they kiss the division title BYE-BYE!
[There is a knock at the door. Brad gets up to answer, but immediately sits down again when Dana skips into the living room.]
SCULLY
(Cheerfully)
I'll get it!
[Monica is looking confused.]
MONICA
Brad... since when did you get into hockey?
BRAD
Since it's not football season,
I had to watch /something/! I hate basketball.
Reminds me of Mulder.
[Monica laughs and crosses the room as the phone rings.]
MONICA
Hello? Yes, he's here.
[She hands the phone to Brad.]
MONICA
It's for you.
[She walks out of the room and back into the kitchen, Dana has gone to answer the door and is nowhere in sight. Good thing, too, because Monica probably would have opened fire on her. There is water all over the kitcher counter tops, and strands of pasta are hanging from the walls and ceiling like demented party steamers.]
MONICA
(Tweak from South Park style)
ARGH!
BRAD
(V.O., on phone)
AW, FOR GOD'S SAKE WALTER, HE WAS NOT OUT OF THE CREASE!
I refuse to believe that Giguere would fake a penalty when
his team was winning! GIGUERE'S THE GOALIE FOR GOD'S SAKE!
[Scully skips into the kitchen; she is followed by Alex Krycek. Krycek is carrying a large, black garbage bag over his shoulder.]
MONICA
Well, if it isn't Santa Clause.
KRYCEK
That's right, Monica Baby, and Papa Alex
has a special toy just for you...
[Krycek winks; Monica shutters and Dana rolls her eyes.]
MONICA
What do you want, Alex?
BRAD
(V.O., on phone)
MAKE A BET ON THE COLORADO GAME?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!
...No, I do not think David Aebischer is better
than Patrick Roy, Martin Broduer, sure, but not
Patrick Roy. NO JOHN, THAT IS NOT A BET!
[We hear another copy of The Hockey News smack against the TV.]
MONICA
(Sighs)
Dana, could you do me a favor and go and ask
Brad what he would like to drink? Could you
also ask him to stop throwing newspapers?
SCULLY
Sure.
[As soon as Scully is gone, Krycek empties the contents of his bag onto the kitchen floor. It's laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.]
KRYCEK
Mulder clogged the washing machine with replacement
fish he bought at Wal-Mart, so, I need you to do my laundry for me.
[Monica glares at him.]
KRYCEK
And I need to borrow three cups of oregano.
MONICA
(Surprised)
Three cups? What for?
KRYCEK
Er, uh, for Krycek's Famous Manicotti.
It's an old family recipe.
MONICA
Manicotti is an Italian dish... your family is from Russia.
KRYCEK
DAT'S RIGHT! I'M DA MAN! Really, baby, I just
needed to see ya. It's really lonely at my place,
and I was sick of Mulder playing Simon Says with himself.
FLASH CUT: INT. Fox Mulder's Apartment - 8:20 P.M.
[Mulder is in the bathroom; he is standing in front of the mirror.]
MULDER
JUMP UP AND DOWN!
[Mulder starts jumping up and down and suddenly stops.]
MULDER
(Laughing/snorting)
HAH! SIMON DIDN'T SAY!
FLASH CUT: INT. Monica/Dana/Marita's apartment - 8:21 P.M.
[At that point, Scully walks back in, her eyes are glued to the newspaper she has picked up, she is gaping at the photographs.]
SCULLY
(Practically drooling)
Oh. My. God.
KRYCEK
(Curious)
What are you looking at?
SCULLY
(Giggles/blushes)
Oh, nothing.
[She shoves the paper in Monica's hand and busies herself with setting the table and preparing a salad. Monica looks at the paper, her eyes grow big and she nods approvingly at Scully. Krycek is a tad confused, and decides to leave before Monica sticks him on dish duty. He waves to the two women, but they are not paying attention.]
KRYCEK
Later.
[As soon as Krycek has left the room, Dana and Monica begin giggling insanely about the man featured on the cover of the paper.]
MONICA
Where did you find this?
SCULLY
It was one of Brad's papers; that he threw at the TV.
I picked them up and there he was!
MONICA
Wow, he's really cute! Who is he?
SCULLY
I don't know, just some hockey player!
Open it; let's see who he is!
MONICA
(Scans the paper)
It says his name is Peter Forsberg. Did you read the article?
SCULLY
No, not yet! Read it to me while I set the table.
[What Monica and Dana don't realize is that Krycek is pressed against the wall listening to their conversation.]
MONICA
(Reading out loud)
"Peter Forsberg is the blue-eyed Swede who
has a Cinderella story behind him. He was
the player that scored the winning goal against
Canada in the 1994 Olympics. He was also the
first Swedish hockey player to be put on a postage stamp."
SCULLY
Wow. A postage stamp? He must be pretty important.
MONICA
Yeah! That's what it says! He's only ever
played for one team, Colorado, it says he was
traded to the Flyers, but he never played for them.
[Scully looks over Monica's shoulder at pictures of Peter Forsberg holding his stick proudly above his head, obviously celebrating a goal. His back is to the camera, his helmet is off and bits of auburn hair are stuck out everywhere.]
SCULLY
Wow. Look at that ass.
MONICA
You could iron a shirt on his stomach.
SCULLY
Is he single?
MONICA
(Dreamily)
I don't know. Did you ever want to date a
jock when you were in high school? Because
I think it would be kind of cool to date a hockey player.
[In the hallway, Krycek's face suddenly brightens as something brilliant dawns on him.]
SCULLY
(Goes back to setting the table)
Have you ever noticed how hot Swedish guys are?
I mean, they're like, the cream of the crop so to speak.
[Monica and Scully's voices fade out as we pan to Krycek who is stroking his chin thoughtfully.]
KRYCEK
Chicks dig hockey players... Hmmm...
[Alex squares his shoulders and quietly shows himself out.]
FADE OUT
FADE IN
CUT TO: INT. Fox Mulder's Apartment - 9:51 P.M.
[Que audio: We hear Mulder singing.]
[We see Mulder at the table, he is dressed in jogging gear. We can see he has a bowl of cereal in front of him, there is a box of Lucky Charms on the table. As we move closer we realize there is cereal all over the table, as if it has been spilled. Plastic rustles. Mulder is digging through the cereal in search of a Finding Nemo fish-shaped Krazy straw prize. He dumps a bowl-full of cereal on the table, shakes his head and continues digging.]
MULDER
(Singing)
OH THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS,
IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS!
[Mulder dumps more cereal onto the table and returns to the process of prize hunting. Mulder, however, is oblivious to the fact that Krycek has already found the prize and has already sold it on eBay.]
MULDER
(Singing)
THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER,
THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!
[Mulder dumps the last of the cereal onto the table and pouts when he does not find the the prize.]
MULDER
Oh well.
[Mulder puts the cereal box on his head with the intention of using it as a hat to accompany his wonderful singing talents. The box, however, manages to slip down, so it now covers Mulder's face.]
MULDER
(Singing, muffled by box)
THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT TIGGERS,
IS TIGGERS ARE WONDERFUL THINGS,
THEIR TOPS ARE MADE OF RUBBER,
THEIR BOTTOMS ARE MADE OF SPRINGS!
[Off screen, we hear a door slam. Krycek is home. Back in the kitchen, Mulder is now standing on his chair swinging his arms about a la crazy oprea singer. He has changed songs.]
MULDER
(Singing, muffled by box)
I FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE TO YOOOOOOUUUUU!!
DUN-UH-DUN! DUN-UH-DUN!
[The camera pans to the doorway, where Krycek now stands. We notice Krycek is dressed to the Nines in hockey gear, complete with Jason-style facemask. He pushes his facemask back so that it sits atop his head; he has a disturbed look on his face. Krycek carefully approaches Mulder, we realize Krycek is even wearing ice skates and he is leaving gouge marks in the hardwood floor. With an eyebrow quirked, Alex grins. He just can't resist. He has to test out the new stick, after all... There is a loud /CRACK!/ as Krycek's hockey stick connects with the side of Mulder's head. Mulder tumbles to the floor.]
MULDER
(Screaming in pain)
OWWIE!!
[Krycek smiles and stands his hockey stick in the corner.]
[At this point in time Mulder is rolling around on the floor, screaming, trying to pull the box off his head.]
MULDER
(Screaming/Panicking)
I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!
KRYCEK
(Rolls eyes)
Take the cereal box off your head!
[Mulder finally pulls the box off his head. His eyes are closed.]
MULDER
(Screaming)
I STILL CAN'T SEE!!
KRYCEK
Open your eyes, jackass!
[Mulder opens his eyes and sighs in relief.]
MULDER
Alex! Oh, It's you! The aliens! I heard them!
I thought I was going to be taken like they took Sam-!
Poor Sammie!
[Mulder's eyes grow very large and well up with tears, we know he's going to re-hash the whole damn alien story again. Krycek heads him off at the pass. He motions to his hockey gear and raises an eyebrow suggestively.]
KRYCEK
Hey! What do you think of my new duds?
Am I a stud or what? I'M DA MAN!
MULDER
(Looks Alex up and down)
Ooh! I didn't know you liked hockey!
Are you trying out for that team?
Um... The one with the little kids, you know?
With the ducks?
KRYCEK
/The Mighty Ducks/?
MULDER
No... you know. The one with Russel Crowe?
Where they made the guy skate naked?
KRYCEK
/Mystery Alaska/?
MULDER
Um, no... the other one!
KRYCEK
WHAT OTHER ONE?! THERE IS NO OTHER ONE!
MULDER
The one with Paul Newman!
KRYCEK
/Slap-Shot/?
MULDER
Umm... no...
[Krycek straightens his jersey, which bares the logo of the New York Rangers.]
KRYCEK
NO! I'm not trying out for any of those teams!
Man, don't you get it? Chicks dig hockey!
Monica totally wanted to get in my pants!
MULDER
Then why are you here and not at Monica's?
KRYCEK
THAT'S NOT THE POINT! She was totally turned on
by all those hockey players on TV. Brad was watching a game.
MULDER
How do you know she was turned on
by all those hockey players?
KRYCEK
Because, she and Dana sat there and
giggled about how hot this Swedish guy was.
MULDER
But you're not Swedish, you're Russian.
KRYCEK
I am too Swedish, listen, I've got
their accent down pat!
(He takes a deep breath)
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
MULDER
That doesn't even sound Swedish.
KRYCEK
Yes, it does!
MULDER
No, it doesn't!
KRYCEK
Yes, it does!
MULDER
No, it doesn't!
KRYCEK
Yes, it does!
MULDER
No, it doesn't!
KRYCEK
YES!!!
MULDER
NO!!!
[Krycek reaches out and grabs Mulder in a headlock.]
MULDER
YOU WIN, YOU WIN!!
[Krycek smiles smugly.]
MULDER
Anyway, you know Monica, she's not going
to give you the time of day, even with the hockey gear.
KRYCEK
[Scoffs]
She's just trying to play hard-to-get!
You know how much she wants me and my
Russian-er, Swedish-Love Gun!
I'm such a sexy bitch!
MULDER
[Shrugs]
Okay, Alex, whatever you say! Hey, by the way,
Super Buddy, I think the aliens abducted my
Lucky Charms! There's no prize in the cereal box!
[Krycek is obviously ignoring Mulder. He has picked up a pot on the stove and is fluffing his hair a bit, using the shiney copper bottom as a mirror.]
KRYCEK
(Points at himself)
Yeah, who scores with all the chicks? ALEX! Can ya dig it?
MULDER
The pots and pans! Great idea, Alex! I would have
never thought of that! Fish and pots! It goes
together like hamburgers and cheese!
[Mulder opens the cupboard and begins picking up every pot and looking underneath for his Finding Nemo prize.]
KRYCEK
(Strikes a few poses/still using the pot as a mirror)
YEAH DUDE, I ROCK!
With these new threads Monica won't be able to resist me!
[We pan downward, where Mulder is still digging through the cupboard in search of his prize. He is humming Weezer's "Knock Down Drag Out".]
MULDER
TAKE NO PRISONERS! HERE! IN! THIS! KNOCK DOWN DRAG-OUT WAR!
THAT WE'RE WADGING! ON! EACH! OTHER FOREVER MORE!
(He pauses)
Sasha, I'm running out of songs to sing, I've sung
the Tigger song, the War song and that one song that
you sing in the shower a lot.
[Alex's head snaps up.]
KRYCEK
You listen to me in the shower?! You prev.
You're no better than Monica, trying to get
in my pants all the time.
MULDER
You're the perv, Alex! You're always talking
about Brad and Monica having sex!
KRYCEK
Am not!
MULDER
Are too!
KRYCEK
D2!
MULDER
See?! You even made sweet, innocent R2-D2 into a pervert!
KRYCEK
I did not! He was a perv before I said he was!
MULDER
Was not!
KRYCEK
Was too!
MULDER
Was not!
KRYCEK
Was too!
MULDER
Was not!
KRYCEK
Was too!
MULDER
NOT!!!
KRYCEK
TOO!!!
MULDER
NOT!!!
KRYCEK
Don't make me use that again.
(He points at his hockey stick for emphasis.)
[Mulder pouts.]
MULDER
Fine. But I still don't get your stupid hockey idea.
Are you going to take my advice and go from figure
skater to hockey player? Hey! Maybe we can write a
movie about that! You can be the struggling figure
skater, desperate to get into the Olympics, and the
only way to get in is to become a hockey player for
Canada, who's team is down by one point and you come
and score the winning goal! And then you're famous
and have a Gold metal! We can call it "Miracle on Ice"!
KRYCEK
Mulder. That already happened. Only it was the
United States team instead of Canada, and they
already have a movie based on it called
"Miracle on Ice". Kurt Russel is in it.
[Mulder pouts again.]
MULDER
Oh. But I still don't get the hockey idea.
KRYCEK
Monica and Dana totally dig these hockey players,
right? So I'm thinking, I can make Monica and Dana
crazy with my new hockey gear, and maybe that'll
make Marita jealous, and she'll leave that Alfredo
bastard and come back to me.
MULDER
Oohh, so this is all for Marita?
KRYCEK
Yeah. Sorta.
(He looks at his watch)
Well. It's late, I'm going to go to bed,
catch some Z's, because it's gonna take
all my energy to keep Monica busy tomorrow.
[Krycek winks; Mulder shudders.]
[And with that we FADE OUT.]
[*FADE IN
EXT. Washington D.C. Public Library-8:51 A.M.
[We pan inside the library, where Krycek has snuck in earlier this morning. He is still dressed in full hockey gear, complete with skates, he figures he's going to go for the classic Gretsky look. He is sitting at a table in front of a stereo, he is wearing a pair of head phones. Next to him is an 8-Tape set of "Swedish For Dummies". He is flipping through the phrase book, writing down words as they catch his attention. Krycek pauses mid-flip and listens intently to the tape.]
KRYCEK
(Loudly)
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
LIBRARY PATRONS
(Pissed off)
SHHHH!!!
KRYCEK
(To the library patrons)
FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
[Krycek takes a deep breath and concentrates, he continues listening to the tape. The tape instructs him to listen carefully and repeat the Swedish part of the sentence.]
TAPE
(Female, with a Swedish accent)
Hello, my name is... (Pause) Hallä, min namn är...
KRYCEK
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
PATRONS
(Really pissed off)
SHHH!!
KRYCEK
DAMMIT, SHUT UP! I'M LISTENIN' TO THE SWEDISH BROAD!!
[Krycek pushes a button on his tape player, we hear the classic squeaky fast-forward noise. The tape resumes playing.]
TAPE
(Female, with a Swedish accent)
Chapter One: Visiting Sweden.
Sweden is fantastic! ... Sverige är fantastist!
KRYCEK
YAH FUR SHURE FROM SWEEDDDEN!!
CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek's apartment-10:56 A.M.
FADE IN:
[We see Krycek in his bedroom, he is sprawled out on his bed surrounded by Swedish language tapes, Swedish guidebooks, hockey pucks, a New York Islanders home jersey and a copy of /Hockey for Dummies/. We can also see that he has re-decorated his room with hockey sticks and Wayne Gretzky posters. As we come closer we notice Krycek is still wearing headphones, but he is not listening to his language tapes.]
KRYCEK
(Singing loudly)
THE DANCING QUEEN! YOUNG AND SWEET! ONLY SEVENTEEN!
[We CUT TO the hallway, where Mulder is walking past Krycek's room. Mulder stops and looks confused when he sees Krycek laying on his stomach, his feet in the air like a teenage girl talking on the telephone.]
MULDER
Sasha... are you okay?
[Krycek, however, can't hear Mulder.]
KRYCEK
(Singing loudly)
DON'T TURN AROUND! 'CUZ YOU'RE GONNA SEE MY HEART BREAKIN!
DON'T TURN AROUND! I DON'T WANT YOU SEEIN' ME CRY!
[Mulder steps into the room, Krycek glances up, startled.]
KRYCEK
DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!
[Krycek is scrambling to hide his Abba and Ace of Base CDs.]
MULDER
Why are you listening to Abba and Ace of Base?
Those bands haven't been popular for years!
KRYCEK
None of your business.
MULDER
Aw, c'mon, you can tell me! I won't laugh! Wait!
I'll guess! I know! You're planning a trip for all
of the Super Buddies to go see Abba in concert,
and you're just trying to learn the words to some of their songs!
Right?
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Aw, c'mon! I give up! Tell me!
KRYCEK
No.
[Mulder sits down on Krycek's bed]
MULDER
C'mon Alex, why are you being so stubborn?
Just tell me!
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Yes.
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Yes.
KRYCEK
No.
MULDER
Yes.
KRYCEK
NO!
MULDER
Fine, okay! No need to get nasty about it!
[Krycek stands up to leave]
KRYCEK
I'm goin' to Monica's.
Hopefully I won't be back soon.
[Krycek winks; Mulder shudders.]
CUT TO: INT. J. Edgar Hoover Building- Brad's office- 11:05 A.M.
FADE IN:
[Brad is sitting at his desk, he is drinking a Starbucks Venti mocha latté and reading a report. He looks very calm and collected compared to night the before when he was yelling things at the television set. The camera slowly circles the room, we can now see over Brad's right shoulder, we realize he is not reading a report because there is a copy of Power Play magazine tucked into the folder. He turns a page in the magazine and sips at his latté.]
BRAD
(Takes a sip of his coffee/not looking up)
Come in.
[Doggett and Skinner enter; they are wearing smug grins as they approach Brad's desk]
DOGGETT
Brad, my man. I do believe you owe me one President Grant.
SKINNER
Make that a double.
[Brad looks up, startled. His startled expression slowly turns into a slight scowl as he realizes who just walked through his door.]
BRAD
Walter, John. What a nice surprise,
can I get you gentlemen a cup of coffee?
SKINNER
Quit stalling, Follmer, pay up.
BRAD
You know, for one thing I don't think it was a fair win,
I mean, they practically cut off Kolzig's head and handed
it to him! And for one thing, Jagr was out with that sprained
ankle, so without him the team is practically bust-...
DOGGETT
C'mon Brad, you lost, fair and square, you owe us fifty bucks.
[Brad glares at Doggett for a moment, finally reaches into his pocket and pulls out two fifty dollar bills. Doggett and Skinner eagerly accept the bills, they both grin at each other, and then at Brad.]
DOGGETT
Ehh... you know, Brad, there's a really good chance that
Washington will lose to Colorado. I mean... that is, if you wanna...
(He winks at Walter)
...make a bet on it.
BRAD
But Colorado is one of the toughest teams in the Northwest Division,
what makes you think they would lose to Washington?
Washington isn't exactly on top of their game this season.
SKINNER
Yeah... but since Patrick Roy retired and they put their second string goalie
into the net, Colorado's been having a tough time with their goaltending.
They've only be able to stay on top because of great defense.
[Brad now looks intrigued. Doggett and Skinner grin at each other; not so nice grins...]
SKINNER
Colorado doesn't stand a chance against Washington.
Our defense will kill them on their goaltending.
DOGGETT
Yeah.
BRAD
Oh, well. Okay. But I still don't know about the bet...
DOGGETT
C'mon Brad, what's it going to hurt?
BRAD
Who are you going to bet on?
DOGGETT
I don't know...
(nudges Walter)
But I think Colorado will lose.
SKINNER
(Nudges back)
Yeah, I know Colorado'll lose.
BRAD
(Folds his hands)
Alrighty, so you two bet fifty bucks that Colorado will lose,
I bet fifty that they'll win.
[Skinner and Doggett blink.]
DOGGETT
Err... what?
BRAD
You two bet fifty bucks on Colorado, you bet that they will lose to Washington.
I'm betting fifty as well, on Colorado. I'm betting they'll win over Washington.
DOGGETT
Er, uh...
[Doggett glances warily at Skinner, Brad smiles politely.]
SKINNER
Um, I wanna change my bet.
BRAD
Sorry gentlemen, all bets are final.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
I have a stack of paperwork bigger than a zamboni.
[Brad keeps on smiling as Doggett and Skinner slink out the door.]
FADE OUT:
TIME CUT: Green Frog Tavern-9:15 P.M.
FADE IN:
[The Green Frog Tavern is a well lighted, cheery place friends can go after work to tip back a few. It is the tavern where Doggett and Reyes had a few brews before she took him home and got in a horrible car accident. The whole gang is there tonight, Doggett, Skinner, Mulder and Spender are all sitting at the bar, eating peanuts, drinking beer, watching football and grunting the occasional "Gimme the peanuts" at each other. Well, all accept Mulder, that is. Mulder is chewing on the nuts and chittering in the same manner as a squirrel with A.D.D. Brad, Monica and Scully are all laughing it up and shooting some pool. Marita is nowhere to be seen, of course.]
[We slowly pan to the door, it opens, revealing Krycek, (in all his sweaty glory), in his hockey gear, fresh off the ice. He swaggers in; Brad, Monica and Scully look up. Brad rolls his eyes.]
BRAD
Oh my God, look at Gordie Howe over there.
MONICA
(Confused)
Why is he dressed like that?
SCULLY
Don't say anything to him! Then he'll come
over here and everyone will know we know him!
[Mulder looks over and sees Alex]
MULDER
Sasha! I didn't know you were coming! C'mere and
eat some peanuts with us! Look, Monica, Brad and
Dana are all over there playing pool!
MONICA
D'oh!
[Krycek ignores Mulder for the moment, he has his sights set on a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the bar, she is drinking a Coors Lite and picking at a basket of popcorn shrimp. Krycek grins and saunters over to her.]
KRYCEK
(Speaking Swedish)
God afton.
(Good evening.)
[The young woman glances up sharply, startled by the use of her native language.]
YOUNG WOMAN
Talar ni svenska?!
(Do you speak Swedish?!)
KRYCEK
(Sexy tone)
Yah.
(Yeah.)
[In the background, Brad, Monica and Dana are all glancing bewilderly at each other.]
MONICA
When did bonehead learn to speak Swedish?
BRAD
I have no idea.
SCULLY
Fifty bucks says he can't speak it at all,
he's probably listening to a set of headphones
and the tape is in his pocket or something.
MONICA
I'll take that bet.
[The three of them move in closer to hear Krycek's conversation.]
YOUNG WOMAN
(Smiles at Krycek)
Mitt namn är Helga.
(My name's Helga.)
KRYCEK
(Doesn't know what this means)
Uhh... De tar i tårna.
(They pinch my toes.)
[Krycek is thinking he just said, "Like my hockey stick?" Helga, however, looks confused, but she plays along. She smiles.]
HELGA
Förlåt?
(I beg your pardon?)
KRYCEK
(Seductively, leans closer)
Vill ni vara vänlig och fylla I den här blanketten?
(Would you mind filling in this registration form?)
HELGA
(Blinks)
Uh... Ursäkta?
(Excuse me?)
[In the background, Brad, Monica and Scully are laughing hysterically]
KRYCEK
(Turns, glares at them, to Helga, sexy)
Jag skulle vilja ha helförsäkning?
(I want full insurance.)
HELGA: (Really confused, trying not to laugh) Uh, Jag forstar inte.
(Uh... I don't understand.)
BRAD: (Laughing) Alex, speak English!
KRYCEK
(Angerily, meaning to say "I don't speak English!")
Detta är inte MINA skor!
(These aren't MY shoes!)
[Helga hides a giggle behind her hand, Monica and Scully are clinging to the pool table, hyperventilating. Krycek turns back to Helga and attemps once more to act sexy in his hockey gear.]
KRYCEK
(Sexy)
Jag har förstoppning.
[At this point in time, Helga bursts out laughing. She is laughing so hard she spills her drink all over the bar.]
HELGA
(Between laughs)
Oh... My... God!
You just said "I'm constipated"!
KRYCEK
YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!
HELGA
(Laughing)
Of course I speak English!
I teach at the University!
KRYCEK
(Freaking out)
What do you mean, 'you teach at the University'?!
HELGA
(Still laughing)
I mean, I teach German history at the University of Washington D.C.
KRYCEK
(Wary)
How old are you?
HELGA
Forty-four.
KRYCEK
AHHHHHH!!!
[At that point in time, Krycek runs screaming from the bar, leaving Helga, Brad, Scully and Monica chortling in his wake.]
[TIME CUT: Mulder and Krycek's apartment-11:25 P.M.]
[It's late when Mulder comes home. His spirits are high and he is very happy because the Washington Redskins beat the New York Jets 36-3. He enters the apartment and slips off his shoes and jacket and sets it on a small bench in the hallway. Suddenly Mulder notices that everything is dark and quiet in his small abode. Where was Krycek? Mulder saw him leave the bar so he probably went home, right? Where else would he be...?]
MULDER
(Frightened)
Sasha?
[He creeps toward the back of the apartment.]
MULDER:
Alex? Are you here?
[As he creeps deeper into the apartment, he starts to hear strains of music.]
CD PLAYER:
Mamma Mia! Here I go again! Mamma Mia...!
MULDER:
(Confused)
Alex?
[He walks into the living room, surprised to see Krycek lying face first on the couch in his underwear, his hockey gear strewn about the room. The CD player is on and blaring Abba's Greatest Hits. Mulder turns on the lights.]
MULDER:
Alex! There you are! What's going on?
KRYCEK:
(Depressed)
... Nothin'.
MULDER:
Why are you sitting here in your underwear listening to Abba?
KRYCEK:
(Depressed)
... Dunno.
[Mulder can hear the depressed tone in Alex's voice.]
MULDER:
(Sits down beside Krycek)
C'mon Alex, what's the matter?
[Krycek rolls over on his back and stares at the ceiling.]
KRYCEK:
Aw, Mulder, who am I kidding? I'll never get Marita back.
She's in love with that Alfredo bastard.
(He sniffles)
MULDER:
Oh...! Alex! Is this about that Swedish teacher at the bar?
KRYCEK:
WHO TOLD YOU?!
MULDER:
I was there, remember?
KRYCEK:
Oh. Yeah.
MULDER:
Well, is this about the Swedish lady?
KRYCEK:
(Sniffles)
I made such an ass of myself.
MULDER:
It's not the first time, Alex, you've made a butt-head out of yourself before.
KRYCEK:
Yeah, I know... but... I just want my Marita back...
(Sniffles louder)
MULDER:
Awww... Sasha! You know what will make you feel all better?
Some nice, soft music and a biiiigggg cup of my famous hot chocolate!
KRYCEK:
(Still depressed)
Yeah, okay, whatever.
[Mulder gets up and goes over to change the radio station. Abba goes off and a modern rock station comes on. Mulder is reaching for the knob to change the station when the phone rings.]
MULDER:
(Happy)
I'll get it!
[He skips out of the room to answer the phone. Krycek starts to zone out when something on the radio catches his attention.]
RADIO DJ #1:
(Cornball chuckle)
Heh heh heh, that's right! It's hockey night in D.C.! We're givin' away a trip for you and ten of your closest friends to fly
round trip first class to Denver, Colorado to see the Washington Capitals cream the Colorado Avalanche!
RADIO DJ #2:
(Cornball chuckle)
HEH HEH! THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE GONNA CREAM 'EM, YEAH!
RADIO DJ #1:
YEAH! Heh heh! You'll get tickets to the game, round trip airfare, three nights in the Westin hotel, and $500 spending cash for the first caller... right now!
KRYCEK:
KICK ASS!
[Krycek scrambles off the couch and dives for the phone that's next to the TV. He picks it up and holds it to his ear.]
TELEMARKETER:
(Robotic voice)
If... you... would... like... to... purchase... a... Chia... George... Bush... please... press... one... now...
KRYCEK:
(Screams)
MULDER, GET OFF THE PHONE!!!!
[Mulder quickly hangs up the phone and Krycek hurrily dials the number to the radio station. The phone rings.]
KRYCEK:
C'mon.... c'mon...
RADIO DJ #1:
(Cornball chuckle)
Heh heh! This is XQTW, Today's New Modern Rock! Who's this?
KRYCEK:
ALEX KRYCEK! RUSSIAN LOVE GOD!
RADIO DJ #2:
Errr... what?
KRYCEK:
(Excited)
AM I CALLER NUMBER ONE?!
RADIO DJ #1:
(Cornball chuckle)
That depends, heh heh! Can you name the lead singer of Donny and Marie AND the number of molcules in that person's car?!
KRYCEK:
Err... Donny... and... three billion.
[The DJs pause.]
RADIO DJ #2:
OH MY GOD! HE GOT IT RIGHT!
[DJs gasp.]
RADIO DJ #1:
YOU WIN!
KRYCEK:
(Excited shriek)
REALLY?!
RADIO DJ #2:
Yes! You win the tickets! Who are you gonna take with you?!
KRYCEK:
WHO CARES?! MARITA WILL LOVE ME AGAIN BECAUSE I'M GONNA BE THE
HOTTEST RUSSIAN-SWEDISH HOCKEY PLAYER EVER!!
RADIO DJ #1:
Yeeaahhh... whatever.
[After a few moments on the phone, Krycek gives the DJs his personal information so he can go and pick up his prize. Mulder comes into the living room with two huge steaming mugs of hot chocolate.]
MULDER:
(Holds the cup out to Krycek)
Here you go! I steamed the milk with my espresso machine!
KRYCEK:
You don't have an espresso machine!
MULDER:
Yes, I do!
KRYCEK:
No, you don't!
MULDER:
Yes, I do!
KRYCEK:
No, you don't!
MULDER:
Yes, I do!
KRYCEK:
No, you don't!
MULDER:
No, I don't!
KRYCEK:
Yes, you do!
MULDER:
See, even you agree with me, I do have an espresso maker!
[Mulder sticks his tongue out at Krycek.]
KRYCEK:
DAMN YOU! Anyway, it's not important, I know how I can get Marita back!
MULDER:
(Sips his drink)
How?
KRYCEK:
A romantic Rocky Mountain getaway to see a hockey game!
MULDER:
(Gasp)
WOW!
KRYCEK:
Yeah! I just won a radio contest, me and ten friends get to go to Denver to see a game!
MULDER:
TEN FRIENDS?!
(Squeals)
ALL RIGHT! A SUPER BUDDIES TRIP!
KRYCEK:
I didn't say it was for Super Buddies!
MULDER:
(Sniffle)
Oh... Okay, I get it, Marita is more important than your friends...
[Mulder starts to cry.]
KRYCEK:
Aw God, don't start that! Fine, it's a Super Buddies outting!
MULDER:
YAY!
[He hugs Krycek.]
MULDER:
Okay, you and ten friends, so that's me, Brad, Skinner, Doggett, Monica, Scully, Spender, and Marita!
But what about the other two spots?
KRYCEK:
Who cares! We'll worry about that later, let's make some phone calls!
[Krycek picks up the phone.]
[CUT TO: INT. Brad Follmer's Bedroom - 11:35 P.M.]
[We see Brad is lying on his side, sleeping. Monica has her arm thrown over his waist. The telephone rings, and he opens one eye to stare at it. It rings again.]
MONICA:
(Sleepy)
Answer the phone, Brad.
BRAD:
(Sleepy)
You answer it.
MONICA:
You're closer.
[Damn. She had him there. Brad flops his arm to the general area where the phone is. His hand makes contact with it and he picks it up.]
BRAD:
(Mumbles)
Hello?
[There is silence for a moment as Brad is listening to the caller. Suddenly his eyes pop wide open and he bolts upright in bed.]
BRAD:
HELL YES, WE'LL GO WITH YOU! AND DON'T EVER CALL AT THIS HOUR AGAIN!
[Monica also bolts upright when Brad starts yelling.]
MONICA:
WHAT'S GOING ON?!
[Brad hangs up the phone and turns to Monica calmly.]
BRAD:
Nothing dear, just a wrong number. (Her kisses her cheek) Goodnight.
[Brad rolls over and goes back to sleep.]
[CUT BACK TO: Mulder and Krycek's living room-11:37 P.M.]
KRYCEK:
(Hangs up the phone)
ALL RIGHT! We got Monica and Brad!
MULDER:
Yay!
(High fives Krycek)
[They go through all the telephone calls this way, inviting everyone on their list... surprisingly, everyone excepts the invitation and only Marita remains on the list of Super Buddies.]
KRYCEK:
Errr... ummm... maybe we should call Marita in the morning.
[We all know Krycek is wary about speaking with Marita again... because everytime he does it seems like she just drives that nail deeper and deeper into his heart... awww.]
MULDER:
Do you want me to make the call?
KRYCEK:
(Suddenly brave)
No! No, I'll do it! I am a hockey player, after all.
[Krycek picks up the phone and dials the number...]
[CUT TO: INT. Robert Alfredo's living room - 11:40 P.M.]
[The room is dark, lit only by a few candles which are placed around the coffee table in a romantic setting. There is a bottle of bubbly and a plate of oysters on the half-shell on the table. Robert and Marita are cuddling closely on the couch.]
MARITA:
[Giggles]
I love you, Robert, you're a much better lover then Alex ever was!
[On cue, the phone rings, shattering the romantic atmosphere.]
ROBERT:
I'll get it.
MARITA:
No! Don't! It's so... un-lovey! It ruins the mood!
ROBERT:
Yeah, but it might be my mom!
MARITA:
(Is now mad and pouty)
Fine. I don't care.
ROBERT:
Aw, Marita! C'mon-...!
MARITA:
(Holds up hand)
No, just go ahead. See if I care.
ROBERT:
Argh.
(Reaches for the phone)
What?
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek's living room - 11:41 P.M.]
KRYCEK:
(Smug)
Alfredo, you bas-...
MULDER:
AHEM!
KRYCEK:
-You... old buddy of mine. Lemme talk to Marita.
ROBERT:
(Filtered, over phone)
She's not here.
KRYCEK:
You're such a liar, I can hear her whiney breathing in the background.
[Mulder gasps.]
MULDER:
Alex!
KRYCEK:
Shut up, Mulder.
(Sticks his tongue out)
[Robert puts Marita on the phone.]
MARITA:
(Filtered, over phone)
This is Marita speaking, who is this?
KRYCEK:
(Freezes when he hears Marita's sweet, sweet voice...)
Er, uh... this is, ahem, Alex.
MARITA:
Oh. What do you want?
KRYCEK:
Er, well, um. You see... I got tickets to this hockey game and-...
MARITA:
(Interrupts)
And you want me to go with you?
KRYCEK:
Er, well... yes.
MARITA:
Hockey is such a barbaric sport... grown men figure skating with tree branches!
Who would ever watch such a thing? Let alone play it! I'm sorry, Alex, but the answer is no.
I'm in love with Robert now, and I don't have time to watch a stupid hockey game with you.
[On Krycek's end of the line, his eyes fill with tears and he quickly blinks them away.]
KRYCEK:
Fine! But I still want my "Hawaiian Bunny" tape back, you bitch!
[Krycek slams the phone down. Mulder gasps again.]
MULDER:
Alex! You just called Marita a... a bad word!
KRYCEK:
(Now depressed again)
Yeah, big deal. Who cares.
MULDER:
She was mean to you again, wasn't she?
KRYCEK:
Yes.
MULDER:
Aw! It's okay, Alex, you'll find someone nicer and all the good stuff!
KRYCEK:
(Sniffles)
Yeah, well, now that she doesn't want to come to Denver with us, we have three open spots for our hockey trip.
And part of the agreement with the radio station was that if I can't get ten people, I have to pay for the remainder of the tickets.
[Suddenly, it seems that someone has turned on a light bulb on over Mulder's head.]
MULDER:
ALEX! I know how we can fill those last three spots for the hockey trip!
KRYCEK:
(Glumly)
How?
MULDER:
I'll invite three of my favoite Super Buddies!
KRYCEK:
Great idea! Who's it gonna be? Some hot broads, I hope!
[Mulder rushes over to the phone and frantically dials a number.]
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Kristi and Cassie's living room - 11:56 P.M.]
[Kristi and Cassie are sitting on their couch, relaxing after a hard day of figure skating at the ice rink. They are both sipping on Live Wire Mountain Dew slurppies and watching CSI on DVD.]
CASSIE:
I think Nick Stokes is much cuter than Greg Sanders.
KRISTI:
No way, Robert Patrick is better than both of them.
CASSIE:
Nick Stokes.
KRISTI:
Robert Patrick.
CASSIE:
Nick Stokes.
KRISTI:
Robert Patrick.
CASSIE:
Nick Stokes.
KRISTI:
Robert Patrick.
CASSIE:
NICK STOKES!
KRISTI:
ROBERT PATRICK!
[The phone rings.]
CASSIE:
You get it.
KRISTI:
No, you get it.
CASSIE:
You get it.
KRISTI:
You get it.
CASSIE:
You get it.
KRISTI:
FINE, I'LL GET THE DAMN THING!
CASSIE:
I thought so.
[Kristi gets up to answer the phone.]
KRISTI:
Hello?
MULDER:
(Filtered, over phone)
Hi!
KRISTI:
Uhh...
(looks at Cassie)
MULDER:
This is Fox Mulder, from Super Buddies!
[Kristi looks suspiciously at the Mountain Dew slurppie in her hand.]
CASSIE:
Who is it?
MULDER:
Krycek and I were wondering if you and Cassie would like to come to hockey game with us!
It's a Super Buddies outting!
KRISTI:
Uhh... sure... we'll be there.
MULDER:
Okay, bye!
KRISTI:
Bye...
[Mulder hangs up and Kristi promptly throws her Mountain Dew into a near-by trash can.]
KRISTI:
I'm never drinking Mountain Dew again.
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Cerasi's den - 11:56 P.M.]
[Pan around the den area, Cerasi is sitting at the computer, typing madly on FRVS Reviews as she is trying to beat her Friday deadline. The cell phone sitting on the computer table beside her starts to ring, the ring sounds like a noise a pinball machine would make. Cerasi looks at the cell phone and blinks.]
CERASI:
Hello?
MULDER:
(Filtered, over phone)
Hi!
CERASI:
Er...
[Cerasi looks a little freaked, she scrolls up and reads her work. She's really confused.]
CERASI:
Errr... umm... can I help you?
MULDER:
Krycek and I were wondering if you would like to come to hockey game with us!
It's a Super Buddies outting!
CERASI:
Er... uh... wait, did you say 'hockey game'?
MULDER:
Yeah, in Colorado!
[Cerasi looks over at the many Peter Forsberg posters plastered to her wall. There is a big heart drawn around one of them.]
CERASI:
Sure, I'll be there.
MULDER:
Yay! Great! Thank you!
[Cerasi hangs up the phone and glances at the Starbucks cup on her desk.]
CERASI:
I will never drink another Starbucks as long as I live.
[HARD CUT TO: INT. Mulder and Krycek's living room - Midnight]
[Mulder hangs up the phone, he is very happy.]
MULDER:
Cerasi, Kristi and Cassie can all make it and fill the empty spots!
KRYCEK:
Three broads? Wow Mulder, you do have connections!
[TIME CUT: - ONE WEEK LATER]
[Mulder, Krycek, Brad, Scully, Monica, Doggett, Skinner, Kristi, Cassie and Cerasi are standing at Gate 74, awaiting their flight to Denver. Doggett is already looking sick, Skinner and Brad have decided they are die-hard Caps fans and have gone all out with shirts, caps and jackets. Brad's laptop bag even has a Washington Capitals logo on it. Scully and Monica are quiet, but are secretly looking forward to watching all the cute hockey players strut their stuff on the ice. Krycek is dressed in his hockey gear again and Mulder is also quiet and wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs t-shirt. Cerasi is wearing headphones and is writing furiously in a notebook. Kristi and Cassie, however, are just wondering how the hell they got there.]
MULDER:
(Happy)
I heard Wayne Gretzky and Bobby Hull are gonna be on this flight!
[The gang glances warily at each other... they remember what happened last time...]
DOGGETT:
(To Brad)
Heh heh, I bet that Colorado is really gonna lose to the Caps, right Brad?
[Cerasi looks up.]
CERASI:
Are you nuts? Colorado is leading the league in scoring.
Milan Hejduk won the Maurice Richard trophy last year.
DOGGETT:
Eh, err. Oh. Yeah. I knew that.
[Cerasi rolls her eyes and Brad smirks.]
FLIGHT ATTENDENT:
Attention ladies and gentlemen, United flight 175 to Denver International Airport is now boarding,
please present your ticket at the gate, thank you and have a nice flight.
[TIME CUT: UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT 175 - 12:30 p.m.]
[Of course, we all know what's happening on the flight. We've seen it so many times before... Doggett is green, clutching an air-sickness bag and is blaming all his problems on Monica. Scully is trying to comfort Doggett. Brad, Skinner and Krycek are all just staying out of it. Mulder is running up and down, back and forth, checking every face in a vain attempt to get The Great One's autograph. Cerasi is writing "Peter Forsberg Rox My Sox" on the cover of her notebook and Kristi and Cassie are still wondering if there was something in the Mountain Dew. Well, since we got that all cleared up, on with the story!]
[TIME CUT: PEPSI CENTER - 1:30 - The Next Day]
[It's a bright, beautiful, clear, sunny day in Denver, Colorado. For an October day, the birds are singing, and all the leaves on the trees are a golden yellow. Speer Boulevard is crowded as always, but for a different reason today. Nine out of ten cars are making the right hand turn from Speer onto Chopper Lane and heading for the Pepsi Center parking lot. Our gang arrives in a limo, which was part of the radio station deal. Krycek is wearing all his hockey gear, (and this time is wearing a Washington Capitals jersey with 'Krycek' and the number 39 printed on the back) and has his nose pressed against the window of the limo.]
KRYCEK
Wow! Look at all those people, streaming into the Pepsi Center,
thinking their team is gonna win.
CERASI
Our team is gonna win, you dumbass.
KRYCEK
Was anyone talking to you?
MULDER
All right Super Buddies, let's not fight!
We're here to have fun and to watch a fun hockey game!
CERASI
(Snorts)
Fine, you're here to watch a fun hockey game,
I'm here to watch the Avs beat the crap out of Washington!
SKINNER
You take that back!
CERASI
Never!
[Cerasi and the Skin-Man are about to get into it, but suddenly, the limo stops. Everyone turns to look out the window; they've stopped in front of the Center. It's a clean building, very neat and tidy and new in architecture.]
EVERYONE
Ooooooh.
CERASI
(Opens her door)
LAST ONE OUT HAS TO... um... KISS KRYCEK!
[Everyone bolts from the limo and scampers up to the doors; even the limo driver has jumped out. After the dust settles, Krycek and Mulder are the only ones left in the car.]
MULDER
Hi!
KRYCEK
Oh, I'm so outta here.
[Krycek steps out of the limo. Of course, all of the fans gathered outside the doors notice the people getting out the limo. One fan in particular sees Krycek's hockey gear and jersey.]
AVALANCHE FAN #1
HEY! HE PLAYS FOR THE CAPS!
CROWD OF RABID AVALANCHE FANS
BOO!!!
CERASI
BOOOOO!!!
KRISTI
Um, yeah! BOOO!!!
[Cassie is attempting to click the heels of her tennis shoes together.]
CASSIE
(Muttering)
There's no place like home, there's no place like home...
[The crowd surges forward as they open the doors to the Pepsi Center, our gang, being VIPs, are ushered through before all the ticket-buying Coloradans. Monica and Dana stand in awe, gazing about at all the Avalanche and Nuggets (puke!) memorabilia.]
SCULLY
Wow, this place is huge!
MONICA
Uh oh, look!
[Monica points at the large glass windows, where a crowd of crazied 'Lanche fans have begun throwing souvenir hockey pucks, programs, hot pretzels, hats, and the occasional cup of beer at Krycek, the Wanna-be Washington Cap. Monica and Dana quickly decide it would be best if they traded in their own Washington gear for a Joe Sakic t-shirt and Avalanche Zambeani. They quickly scamper off to the Pepsi Center Trading Company to waste some of their hard-earned paychecks.]
[NOTE TO READER: A Zambeani is a bean-bag toy shaped like a zamboni. Also, the Pepsi Center Trading Company is a retail store inside the Pepsi Center where you can buy all sorts of cool Avalanche stuff.]
[Monica and Dana emerge from the Trading Company decked from head-to-toe in the home team's navy blue and burgany. Brad spots Monica from across the room, where he is purchasing a program.]
BRAD
Trader.
[Monica sticks her tongue out at him. We pan around and notice that Krycek has finally escaped the mob of rabid hockey fans.]
KRYCEK
(Brushes off his shirt)
God! They messed up my duds!
SCULLY
(Holds her nose)
And you smell like beer.
[Suddenly, a man approaches them. He is wearing dark sunglasses and a finely tailored suit. He is wearing one of those cool thingies in his ear and sort of looks like Agent Smith from The Matrix. He grabs Krycek by the arm and pulls him close.]
ASSISTANT COACH
(Whispers)
What are you doing up here?
You were supposed to be on the ice for warm-ups a half-hour ago!
KRYCEK
Uhh... what?
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