FicWad

Driving along the highway can be quite relaxing for a guy that hasn’t just realised that he doesn’t love his wife. The darkness of winter had begun to creep back in and with that my SAD also. I often wonder if I actually have anything wrong with me, or if I’m a hypochondriac with the burden of knowledge. Wasn’t it George Orwell that said ‘Ignorance is strength’? I mean, is there actually anything wrong with me? I guess for a psychiatrist, hearing about other people’s dramas just isn’t enough, I need my own.

Normally, it takes a while for me to come to a decision. I’m indecisive and incapable of telling people what I want. But it had just occurred to me that I’m not in love with Kate anymore. We’d been together for five years, married for two, and things were already … stale. We had never really hit the height of passion with each other but she was reliable. We looked good together, people always commented on how cute a couple we were. The sex was good but again, not enough passion.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever really loved her, if I’m being honest. My mother thought she was the most amazing woman I’d ever met besides herself, and after two years together my mother started urging me to propose. She told me that there’d never be anyone as good for me and that I’d better not let her slip away. And now? Well now, I’m practically pushing her away, urging her to leave.

Coming to the decision to leave her wasn’t easy, or at least, shouldn’t have been. It took me all of twenty minutes to realise that my wife wasn’t the right woman for me, that I didn’t love her and that I should leave her. Slamming the car door shut I deemed myself an idiot. I couldn’t make a decision like that in a twenty minute car journey, but all things considered, I had to change something.

“Hi honey. I’m home.” I nearly slammed my head into the door as the cliché echoed itself around the house. Beginning to hate what my life and I were turning into, I ambled into the living room to see my wife sat on the sofa, positively beaming back at me.

“Hey baby”, she cooed, placing a hand on her lower stomach. Oh no, I know that sign. She smiled at me, she looked happier than she had in a long time. Happier, in fact, than on our wedding day. She looked at me as though she harboured good news, “I’ve got something to tell you”

“Oh, really?” I noticed my voice had gone a little higher. My cheeks had definitely become warmer and the mirrors revealed a short man with a sweaty face and blotchy crimson cheeks. I felt trembling in my stomach as I anticipated her “news”. She held out her hands for mine, as I placed them in her hands I felt her index finger and thumb playing with my wedding ring.

“I’m …” Nerves struck her suddenly, I nodded to her and she continued, “I’m Pregnant”

I’d become unusually aware of the band on my left hand. The wedding ring acted as a cage that suffocated any future plans I’d had in mind. Kate seemed overjoyed and I suppose it’s with good reason, having a child to care of 24 hours a day when you’ve got a career just about to pick itself off the ground is a good thing, right?

I guess it’s fair to say that I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of having to support someone else as well as myself. Selfish as this is, and trust me – it is, I’d began to resent this babies existence even though I’d only known about it for about two minutes. Kate looked up at me hopefully, she knew I was shocked, but as I’d said before - I’ve been distancing myself and she’d taken my silence the wrong way.

“I know it’s a shock but it’s brilliant. Think about it, you, me and the baby. I know it’s a little early, about eight months early to be precise, but what do you think we should call her, or him – I don’t mind either way. We should call her …” She was glowing, I hadn’t noticed until now; I hadn’t noticed that pregnancy suited her. It had probably suited her for about a month. I should’ve taken more notice.

“Hang on! You’ve been pregnant for a month and you didn’t tell me!” I was angry that I hadn’t been told until now. Well, I told myself that’s why I was angry.

“No, I’ve only known a week. Well, four days if you count the time it took for the doctor to confirm it. I would’ve told you sooner but you’ve been busy with that patient, Gerry or whatever” This answer left me grumbling, a little put out by the way everything was turning. She seemed somewhat distressed now as well, “I thought you’d be pleased”

“I am pleased, very pleased.” I sighed, “It’ll be you, me and the baby from now on, yeah?”

“Yeah.” She nodded, cuddling into me. I sat and listened as she told me all of her plans, everything that we were going to do from now on. She gave suggestions for the baby’s name, she said about the cribs we’d buy, the school plays we’d have to attend. I swear she talked me up to its eighteenth birthday. That’s when the call came, oh that heavenly call bearing bad news.

“I’ve got to go – there’s been an emergency – a patient.” She nodded but didn’t seem too happy. She was just about to tell me that if we had a son, its eighteenth birthday would be spent having a quiet meal with our parents. She had mapped out his poor life and with that – mine too!

After practically sprinting to my car I realised I’d forgotten my keys. Kate stood in the doorway, leaning against the hinges on which it stood. She smiled softly, she looked incredibly serene as she leant in to give me, yet another, kiss goodbye. Holding me tightly, she whispered in my ear “Love you baby”.

“Love you too” I tried to sound convincing. I couldn’t get in the car and out of the driveway quick enough. The call had proven, until that point, to be a “get out of jail free” card. That was until I’d arrived at the hospital to see Nurse Fradd waiting by the hospital entrance.

“Doctor Stump” She called, “Come queeckly”

She was back in the hospital before I’d even had time to lock the car door. I tried to keep up but she was constantly in front. By the time we reached Gerard’s room I was skipping as I walked, trying not to run along side Vikki Fradd. She told me in a thick German accent that Gerard had started to lash out and had been shouting down the ward.

“He voz throwink thingz around” She barked, “And ’e az deeztroyed ze room”

“I see,” I mused, “And was he answering to the name Gerard?”

“No!” She growled, “Onlee to Fruank”

I’d been told that she was German, but sometimes she’d sound French. Maybe she’d spent time there as a child? Anyway, that was beside the point. Frank had taken control for some reason and that meant that Gerard was upset or worse, angry.

We’d arrived at his room to find him slumped in the back left hand corner. His face was tear-stained; I guess he’d had some more bad news. Nurse Fradd stood in the door way, an injection to hand – she was poised and ready to strike. I didn’t see that it would be necessary and waved my own hand lightly as a signal for her to hide it. She concealed the valium behind her back; she seemed almost desperate for another signal.

“Hey Gee, I’ve only been gone an hour and a half – what’s the problem?” I probe cheerfully.

“They … He’s … They said” He hiccupped, for the second time tonight I was beginning to see where it was going, “His brain activity is decreasing or whatever”

“Oh Jesus Gerard, I’m sorry” I was, this guy didn’t need it right now,
“What happened when you got back?”

“They said his systems are failing, I was too pissed off to cope with it, so he did” He wailed. Not an unfair emotion considering all the hardship he’s been through in the past year. Gerard sat huddled against the wall, allowing his tears to stream down it. Its hard losing someone you love but it’s even harder when you watch them die.

“Nobody knows that much about comas. He could still make a full recovery” I try yet again to sympathize.

“Not. When. His. Systems. Are. Failing.” He spat each word with a clenched jaw. His body had tensed into a ball and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d see the other half of this compromised double act. Sure enough, his eyebrows raised and that same grin etched itself across his face.

“You again” He pronounced delicately, so gentle, in fact, it made me feel uneasy in his presence.

“Uh … Yes. Me again” I adjusted my glasses, asserting my role as the doctor. It looked like I didn’t leave the hospital because I was still wearing the same suit I’d put on that morning.

“Why are you here? Don’t you have a wife and three kids to psychoanalyse?” I winced. Not yet, just give Kate time. I’m sure she’ll manage to keep me chained up, in order to pop some more out and plan their lives as well.

“Um, no, she’s given me the night off so that I can take care of you” I tried not to patronise him but couldn’t help it, I raise my eyebrows and reach for his chart, noting that he’d already been sedated once this evening. Apparently, 50mg of Valium doesn’t go as far as it once did. As if reading my mind, Nurse Fradd added her two cents worth.

“Vould you like me to give him somethink extra?” Her grin was creepy, it was more of a leer than a smile, I’m sure she took some sort of perverse pleasure in causing patients additional pain or screwing their minds up even further. She’d ventured further into the room than the doorway, and by now the injection was once again in view.

“No, no that won’t be necessary” I shooed her away again, thinking it would be better if she wasn’t actually in the room.

“Fine, fair enoof” She pouted.

“So … Doctor … Doctor Stump”, He leant in and studied my I.D closely, “It says here that your only 26, that’s funny.”

“What’s funny about that?” I’m aware that I look a little older than 26, but it’s not that noticeable, surely?

“Well, it’s funny because … You look about forty, what with the balding and all” He sneered, knowing he’d hit a weak spot of mine. I’d been prematurely bald from the age of sixteen and normally wore hats, but tonight, in my desperation to escape, I left without it.

“Yes … Hilarious, now would you mind answering a question please?” I smile politely.

“Sure, why not?” He smirked, a little too brash for my liking.

“How did Gerard find the Valium?” I couldn’t help but sneer. Sedatives were usually helpful in quieting the other personalities, the stronger personalities. They would calm the person in question down, meaning it was less likely the other side of them would emerge. Nurse Fradd had told me on the way here that it had settled Gerard down, causing Frank to disappear and for Gerard to re-emerge.

A look of panic struck Franks face. He was sharing a brain with a pretty smart guy, Gerard must’ve heard at one point about what the effects of sedatives are and now Frank was recalling that information. For a while now I’ve been considering prescribing Gerard some form of anti-psychotic. But I’m not sure he’d be able to cope if there were any other side effects.

“But … That would … It would mean that I … die” His eyebrows lowered, the transition between Frank and Gerard had begun again. I’d begun to realise the physical differences between Frank and Gerard. Of course, it was the same person, but there were a few slight changes that happened to his face and figure. Firstly, as soon as Frank materialized Gerards eyebrows would rise a little higher and his shoulders would draw back to his full height.

“It would mean that Gerard was healthy. Frank, listen to me, your not helping him. You’re making him worse” This man could’ve killed me in a matter of minutes with his strength, but realising that I had a duty to protect him, I held him as he cowered beneath me.

“We … Take … Care … Of … Each … Other”, He sobbed, “I look after him, and I protect him”

I signalled to Nurse Fradd, she had been taken aback by this extreme case of schizophrenia and had acted gently to Gerard as she sedated him. He gave a small cry as she pierced his skin with the needle but it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. She placed the quilt over him, cooing soothingly as she did so.

2006 hadn’t been Gerard’s best year. His condition, although it was probably hereditary or due to a chemical imbalance, had only developed after trauma I am fortunate enough to say I have never witnessed. Gerard had previously told me that he was very much in love and had been lucky enough to discover that he was loved in return.

The only downfall in their relationship was the opposition they had faced from a few family members. Gerard and Frank had been in a relationship for six months when they told their parents. Gerards mother and father took the news well, they’d told him that they’d suspected for a while and no issues with him being gay.

Franks family, on the other hand, did not take the news so well. They made clear to him, in an all too blatant manner, that they thought he was sick. Franks parents told him that he was ill and needed counselling. The couple left Franks family home dismayed by their disapproval and were on their way home when the crash happened.

Nobody really knows what caused the crash, but everybody that’s worked with Gerard and Frank know its aftermath. The pair were both badly injured but Frank came out of it worse. Gerard was discharged from the hospital a week later with a broken arm and three broken ribs. Frank has yet to wake up.

The accident happened over four months ago, and Frank has shown no real signs of recovery. Frank had given Gerard every right to make the decisions in situations like this, meaning that Gerard won’t give his consent to, err, pull the plug. Two months after the accident Gerard was referred to me because of his schizophrenia. As I said, 2006 has not been his best year.