FicWad

CHARACTERS:

TRISTAN: Pretty much one of the most stereotypical emo kids you will ever meet. He wears a black hoodie and tight girl’s jeans. His hair is dyed black (not necessary, but quite awesome) and he’s wearing about a pound and a half of black eyeliner (Lizzy has some if it’s needed). He has a very bleak outlook on life, and always thinks the worst of people. He’s very effeminate. Like pretty much every other emo guy.

CALIOPE: She’s also wearing a lot of black clothing (she can be wearing jeans, though) and black eyeliner. She has a huge crush on EDGAR, but doesn’t want to tell him because she doesn’t want their friendship to change.

CHARLOTTE: Less emo than the others. She is actually wearing a brightly colored article of clothing (maybe a scarf or a t-shirt?) along with her black clothes. She is unsure of her personality, but doesn’t want to completely leave behind the emo she knows and loves.

EDGAR: Dressed in completely black clothing, and carries a notebook continually, which he writes in all the time. He’s a definite eyeliner wearer. He likes CALIOPE right back, but he’s an emo kid, so he doesn’t do anything about it, he just sits around writing sappy love songs and poetry, and crying. That, and he doesn’t think that she likes him like that.

BARISTA: Plain clothes, with an apron over them. He/She works behind counters. That’s all that needs to be known.

SETTING: Behind EDGAR’S house, in his back yard. There is a single tree, a very conceptual outliney image of a tree (could be a pole with little sticks sticking off of it), and a few lawn chairs (boxes possibly) underneath the tree, in a semi-circle. Off to one side is a box labeled ‘STARBUCKS’ with half of the letters backwards, looking like a first grader had written it. On the other side of the sign are the words ‘WRONG-AID’ Inside are some coffee cups for later use, and a few boxes of hair dye.


EDGAR is sitting on the box directly underneath the tree. He could be either playing a guitar or just writing in his notebook.

EDGAR
(either singing or reading what he’s just written)
Your eyes shine like pennies
And your hair is like death
But I’m not trying to love you
I’d rather rip my heart out and bleed
Because you don’t love me
And you never will
Because I’m unlovable

CHARLOTTE enters with her BFF TRISTAN. They are chatting about something random (an episode of Desperate Housewives, maybe?) Once they reach the tree, they sit down on boxes.

CHARLOTTE
I totally can’t believe that Carlos would do that to Gabby! They are SO perfect together!

TRISTAN
She doesn’t deserve him, Charlotte. She cheated on him, remember?

CHARLOTTE
So? He wants to get back together with her, Tristan! That’s just far too sweet. They’re not complete without each other.

TRISTAN
You fail at life. Hey, Edgar.

EDGAR
Hey. Have you seen Caliope today? She might not be up, yet, but I want to see her.

CHARLOTTE
Is your heart bleeding again?

EDGAR
(nods)
I miss her like a blind archer. But she doesn’t miss me. (heavy sigh)

TRISTAN
If you want to hold her hand like you hold a delicate lily, then go for it. If you want to kiss her cheek like the rain gently kisses the dark sky.

EDGAR
She doesn’t want me as any more than her friend.

CHARLOTTE
Don’t be such an electron, Edgar.

EDGAR and TRISTAN
Huh?

CHARLOTTE
(embarrassed)
Uhm… Nevermind. I guess I’ve actually been paying attention in Chem lately.

TRISTAN
(in a singsong voice)
Neeeeerd!

CHARLOTTE
So? I can’t like school?

TRISTAN
There’s nothing wrong with liking school. There are some decent looking guys there.

EDGAR
You have to admit. You called me an electron. Paying attention in anything but English is useless. This world is useless.

CALIOPE
Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late. My brother was being annoyingly happy… AGAIN. Him and his badmitton team.
(she sits on a box)

(they all give huge, overdramatized shudders)

TRISTAN
Ugh. Jocks.

EDGAR
Hey, Caliope. How’re you today?

CALIOPE
My straightener died. I ran out of hair gel, so I had to use my sister’s. And I almost tripped down the stairs and died. So overall, a pretty much a good day.

CHARLOTTE
Really? You could’ve borrowed my straightener.

CALIOPE
It’s okay, I cried, and my mom bought me a new one. She doesn’t like it when I cry.

EDGAR
I like to wipe your tears away. It’s like a therapy session.

CALIOPE
Thanks. You’re sweet as the honey that is soaked into the ground that thousands of bees died for.

TRISTAN
Okay, so what are we going to do today?

CHARLOTTE
I don’t know. Is there anything TO do today?

CALIOPE
Nope. No shows. No happenings. Hey! Where’d my Razr go?

TRISTAN
Your razor?

CALIOPE
No, my Razr. Someone call it.

(CHARLOTTE pulls out her cell phone, and prepares to dial)

CALIOPE
Wait. Never mind, I found it.

EDGAR
We still have nothing to do.

CHARLOTTE
Damn.

CALIOPE
Yes, we do! Look what I found on my way here!

(she pulls out a piece of paper, rolled up. She unrolls it and reveals a map, with a large red X on it. They all gape and stare at it.)

TRISTAN
Woah! Is that…?

CHARLOTTE
No way, it couldn’t be!

TRISTAN
It totally is!

EDGAR
That would be like all of the black in the world becoming PINK! Sick and wrong!

CALIOPE
What? The Magical Neverfade Hair Dye is SO not sick and wrong!


EDGAR
Oh. I thought you were talking about the Candy Mountain. So, yeah, finding the Magical Neverfade Hair Dye is like all of the pink in the world turning black.

CALIOPE
Oh, God, no. Candy Mountain creeps me out.

CHARLOTTE
Well, then, let’s get off of our bottoms and search for the most coveted of emo icons!

TRISTAN
(bounds up and snatches the map away)
I want to be the map reader! Okay, so we start from the dead tree…. Hey! This tree on the map looks exactly like this tree!

EDGAR
(looks at map, then at his tree)
That’s because it IS this tree, idiot. I swear, sometimes you’re not the sharpest razorblade in the package.

TRISTAN
(snorts)
You said ‘package’!

CALIOPE
You want his package of skittles that he has in his pocket.

TRISTAN
Maybe when they make black skittles. Until then, I’ll stick to licorice.

CHARLOTTE
Your licorice stinks, man. And it’s totally nasty.

EDGAR
Shut up, you guys, so we can find the epitome of emo. I want to Magical Neverfade Hair Dye. You never have to re-dye your hair again if you don’t want to. I’ve wanted it forever, and if I get it, I think that my heart will explode in happiness. It would be as red as the blood that runs through all of our veins, pumping oxygen through us. As red as the paint I spilled on my carpet and I blamed on the dog. As red as the giant star that the sun will be when it destroys the planet. As red as the heart of a flame, as a rose, with its beautiful and terrible thorns. As red as a cowboy’s bandanna, as my little sister’s jeans… which look great on me, by the way… as red as a new pair of Converse, as Elmo, and as the anti-AIDS campaign. As red as a balloon slipping out of a child’s grip and floating into the heavens. As red as her lips, burned into my brain, forever taunting me with their beauty. As red as…

TRISTAN
Dude, you’re monolouging out loud again.

EDGAR
Oh. Sorry.

CALIOPE
Alright, poetry freaks, let’s go.

CHARLOTTE
What’s the map say, Tristan?

TRISTAN
We take three bunny hops stage right from the tree.

(They all take three bunny hops stage right from the tree)

TRISTAN (cont’d)
And now we take two giant steps downstage.

(They do so)

CHARLOTTE
This is way too much like a game of that stupid kids’ game for comfort. That one, y’know… with the thing?

EDGAR
Mother May I?

CHARLOTTE
That’s the one!

TRISTAN
Alright, alright. Now we go to Starbucks.

CALIOPE
Huzzah! Starbucks equals sweet nectar of life!

CHARLOTTE
But wait… Why Starbucks now? We’re on a quest to find the Magical Neverfade Hair Dye, we can’t stop for coffee beverages!

CALIOPE
There’s always time for coffee beverages! They make life seem a little less pink, and a little more grey.

(They trudge over to the Starbucks stand, where the BARISTA is standing.)

EDGAR
Hi. I want a Venti Mocha Caramel Frappucchino.

CALIOPE
Make that two.

TRISTAN
And a Venti Raspberry Mocha Frappucchino. With extra whipped cream, chocolate and raspberry drizzles. Yummy!

CHARLOTTE
Venti coffee. Black.

BARISTA
(hands them drinks)
Thank you for coming to Starbucks! Here you are!

(They stand around sipping their drinks for a little while.)

EDGAR
Now what? We have our coffee-ey goodness. Where do we go now? Where’s the Magical Neverfade Hair Dye?

TRISTAN
According to the map… we go over there…/ (points to the other side of the stage)/

CALIOPE
ALL the way over there?! Ewww.

CHARLOTTE
Oh, stop being so lazy. I know that you like hanging out in front of your computer, but this is real life! With hair dye that never fades! And never allows your roots to show! Get up some energy!

EDGAR
Charlotte, we’re emo kids! not having energy is what we DO!

(they’re about center stage now, on their way to the other side of the stage to the ‘there’ TRISTAN pointed to)

CHARLOTTE
Well maybe I’m sick of being emo!

(the other three gasp and stop short while CHARLOTTE keeps walking for a step or two.)

CALIOPE
WHAT?!?

TRISTAN
I thought you were my best friend! But you just stabbed me like I stabbed that balloon last night to see it pop, just like you just popped my heart!

CHARLOTTE
I don’t know if I want to be an emo kid anymore! I just don’t know what I am.

EDGAR
Are you crazy? If you’re not an emo kid, what are you? Are you going to be… a… Jock?
(chokes off)

CHARLOTTE
No! No way! I’m NOT going to be a jock! I just… I like science, and it makes me happy.

CALIOPE
Is that IT? You had me scared for a minute, Charlotte!

CHARLOTTE
You aren’t mad at me?

CALIOPE
Not as long as you don’t abandon us completely. But science is okay, and if it makes you happy, then that’s perfectly fine. Because a happy emo kid is a scene kid. Everyone knows that. And everyone knows that emo kids and scene kids are practically made to hang out together.

CHARLOTTE
(smiles)
So we’re still the best of friends?

CALIOPE, EDGAR, and TRISTAN
DUH!

CHARLOTTE
You guys are the bomb!

(she hugs them)

TRISTAN
Alright. We love you. Now get off.

(Charlotte lets go, and skips to the side of the stage they were aiming for while the others plod along in their emo way)

(once they get there)

CALIOPE
Alright, what now?

TRISTAN
It says on this extremely official map that two of our party must pledge undying love for each other.

CHARLOTTE
Not it!
(puts finger on nose)

TRISTAN
I’m not into you, Caliope. But I know that Edgar isn’t into me, either. Sooooo…

(EDGAR and CALIOPE exchange glances and shy smiles. TRISTAN and CHARLOTTE nod at each other, and push the other two together.)

EDGAR
I write songs about you…

CALIOPE
That’s almost as adorable as Kit the cat Skelanimal.

EDGAR
So… Come to my house and play Guitar Hero with me sometime?

CALIOPE
I would love to. Almost as much as I love you. You are the possessor of my heart.

CHARLOTTE
(sighs)
Emo kids fall in love so fast.

TRISTAN
I love a happy ending!

CHARLOTTE
That’s not the end of the play, stupid head. It’s only about three quarters of the way through.

CALIOPE
Come, my love and my friends. We need that Magical Neverfade Hair Dye!

EDGAR
Yes! My roots are starting to show!

TRISTAN
Next stop is the… Edge of the Pit of Bunnies and Unicorns and Happiness. Ew.

CHARLOTTE
That doesn’t sound too horribly bad.

CALIOPE
Yeah, but you’re a scene kid, now. Emo kids don’t like that stuff.

CHARLOTTE
I’ll protect you guys, then!

TRISTAN
All right… I guess we have to go, now.
(he leads the others to the edge of centerstage)

EDGAR
Ohh…

TRISTAN
Emm…

CALIOPE
Gee…

CHARLOTTE
You guys… it’s not THAT bad. It’s a hell of a lot of pink, sure… but…

EDGAR
Admit it. It’s really bad.

CHARLOTTE
Yeah. It’s really bad.

TRISTAN
But I can’t seem to keep my eyes off of it. It’s soooooo… mesmerizing…

BARISTA (from offstage)
Your goal is close! Keep your eyes on the prize! Eyes on the prize! Prize-ize-ize-ize! (echoes off)

CALIOPE
The mysterious voice is right! We need to keep our eyes on the prize of the Magical Neverfade Hair Dye! Let’s get out of here!

(CALIOPE steals the map, sees where they are going, and steers the others towards the previously Starbucks kiosk. the sign has now been flipped around and now says ‘Wrong-Aid’, a local drug store.)

EDGAR
Thank you for saving us back there!
(he hugs CALIOPE)

CALIOPE
It was nothing.

CHARLOTTE
Even I was almost a goner. You are officially my favorite person right now. In ten minutes it’s switching over to the Scrubs cast, though. I need to get home and watch the new episode.

TRISTAN
I’m so totally coming to your house, my cable’s broken. My internet is down, too. It’s absolute torture! I can’t even look on my Livejournal or Myspace!

EDGAR
Or your Buzznet. How can you get the latest rumors and news if you don’t have Buzznet running twenty-four seven?

CHARLOTTE
You can check them at my house. As long as you get me a Red Bull.

TRISTAN
Done and done!

BARISTA
Ahem! Can I help you kids?

CALIOPE
Yeah, we’re looking for the Magical Neverfade Hair Dye.

BARISTA
We just got some in this morning! We have black, purple, blue, green, red, and pink.

CHARLOTTE, TRISTAN, CALIOPE, and EDGAR
NO!!!

BARISTA
Okay, jeeze. I was just telling you our color choices.

CHARLOTTE
I want black and purple!

TRISTAN
I want black and blue!

CALIOPE
I want black and green!

EDGAR
I want black and red! Ah, red, you’re like…

CALIOPE
Shush. No monolouging about red right now.

EDGAR
Okay… (sighs)

BARISTA
Your collective total is… huh. Apparently this stuff is free. Here ya go.
(she hands them their boxes)

TRISTAN
Sweeeet!

CALIOPE
It’s like all of the pink just turned black!

EDGAR
Like all of the poetry turned emo!

CHARLOTTE
Like the end of an awesome play!

EDGAR
Wait… the end? Of life?

TRISTAN
No, of the play!

EDGAR
Really the end?

CALIOPE, TRISTAN, and CHARLOTTE
Yes!

THE. END.