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Assassination


This is an official report written by Koichi Nishi, Third Secretary to the Fourth Hokage. It contains the details of "The Splenda Incident", of which has not been related to the public so far. However, The Fourth Hokage wished it to be related, saying "This is the worst example of ninja tomfoolery that has ever been conceived in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Perhaps we may learn from it." For full details of the actual ninja involved in "The Splenda Incident", please inquire to the Shinobi Department. {All information in this report has been gathered through interviews of everyone who takes a role in it}


Koichi Nishi, Third Secretary of the Fourth Hokage






Ross was running up a hill, He was very late. Being butler to the great Urizane was a very strenuous job, much running here and there to fetch whatever his Master's whims demanded. Suddenly, he ran into an old walking up a hill. The old man tumbled down the hill, his hat flying off to land in a cow dung pile. Ross wished he could stay, but he had a very important job, so he continued to wait.

The "old man" was our most exalted Fourth Hokage, going out to have a quiet walk in the woods. As you can see, this is the incident that earned Ross the enmity of our village. Ross's viewpoint of things is considered irrelevant to me, but Junior Assistant Akio Shirai insisted that they must be included for the sake of things. Junior Assistant Akio Shirai will be writing from now on. I have promised not to bother him. As a side note, the mentioned "Urizane" is a non-entity. I have searched all records but there is no such person existing in our land. Shirai tells me Ross came from a land where not all warriors are ninjas, but I have told him that he has too much youthful naïveté.

And so it came to matter that the ruffian who so rudely knocked into the Fourth Hokage must be brought to justice. The Justice Department of the Village Hidden in the Leaves went to the Hokage's house to get orders, and got "Oh, no, really, I'm fine." As the answer. Genin-rank ninja Naruto Uzumaki convinced the Justice Department to give his team a special disposition to avenge the Hokage, and then Master Kakashi, his sensei, beat him down. Master Kakashi tried to have the special disposition revoked, but the Justice Department informed him that once a special disposition has been given, it must be fulfilled. So Naruto Uzumaki was dragged off to meet with teammates Sakura Haruno and Sasuke Uchiha {I rather like Sakura. She is always nice to me whenever we meet} to go 'avenge' the Hokage.

Using the Leaf Satellite


Shirai, you are not supposed to be revealing the fact that the Village Hidden in the Leaves has a Satellite! The people {of the village} will question where we get the technology!

But Nishi-san, the secret is out! Besides, the people will question how did we locate Ross?

Very well, Shirai, but there better not be anymore mess-ups!


Using the Leaf Satellite to pinpoint the offender Ross's location, it was quickly discovered that Ross was staying at a small hotel in the Village Hidden in the Waves. Since a direct attack would mean declaring war, Naruto and his team decided to go for an attack in the night. One kill and that was that. Unfortunately that was not as it seemed....



It was called Hotel Splenda, but Ross was feeling anything but splendid. He checked into his penthouse room {one perk of working for Urizane is that you always got the best of everything} and stumbled into the elevator. He thought he had caught a cold while running around in the cold weather.



Crouching on a hill overlooking Hotel Splenda, Kakashi outlined his plan.
"We'll split into groups of two. Group A, me and Naruto, will disguise ourselves as the hotel service and go to his room the normal way. Team B, made of Sakura and Sasuke, will scale up the side of the hotel building and go through the window of his room. It's the penthouse, you can't miss it. Any Questions? Yes, Sakura?"
"What if we can't scale up vertical surfaces yet?" Sakura inquired.
"Well, use the suction gloves." Kakashi replied, taking out of his pocket two gloves. "Simply press against the wall, and your body heat activates the glue. Yes, Naruto?" {he is exasperated by now probably}
"Why do I have to dress up as a maid?"
"Because the only hotel workers in this hotel are female, I checked it out. Now lets go!"
Like four dark spiders of doom the ninja scurried down the hill and set about their task.


What is this, Shirai? "Four dark spiders"? "Scurried"? We are making an official report, not the next nature documentary! Change it at once!

I cannot, Nishi-san. This is a voice-activated typewriter, you speak into it, and it types for you. And there is no way to tell it to delete, because if you say 'delete' or 'backspace' it just types that out too. Oh, look, it's typing out everything we say.

Rip it out! Start a new copy!

The Hokage would scream at the waste of paper. Lets hope he has a sense of humor.

Lets hope the whole village has a sense of humor! Ohh, we're going to be ruined! I will be sacked from my job and be forced to commit the cleansing final ritual of seppuku! And you will languish in a prison cell! Oh, oh, oh..

It won't get that bad. Even if that does happen, that won't be that bad. Let's finish the report.


Sakura and Sasuke climbed up the building. Well, to be more precise, Sasuke walked while Sakura suction cupped up. While they were climbing, Sakura saw the chance she was waiting for. The chance to get Sasuke to love her.
"So..... Sasuke, how are you feeling?"
"Um, fine, I guess." Sasuke considered her. She wasn't going to be very helpful if she spent the whole mission gazing at him. He decided to humor her a little.
"Okay, Sakura." He said, staring into her eyes, "I actually don't mind you that much."
"OOOOH, SASUKE!" cried Sakura with joy, clapping her hands to her face. "That sounds..."
Then she fell down the building {eighteen stories} because she had released her hold on the building.
Sasuke looked down. It looked like she broke a few bones. Although nothing serious, enough so that she would need immediate medicare. "Idiot." He muttered to himself, then reached into his pocket to pull out his walkie-talkie. "Team A, this is Team B. Sakura has been injured. I will take her back to the village and have her fixed up. You will have to finish the mission. Over and out." Sasuke strolled down the building and hoisted Sakura over his shoulder. She was really heavy. He hoped Team A would have better success than he and Sakura did.

"Over and out." Kakashi turned of the walkie-talkie and put it back into his pocket. He wished he could tell Sasuke that his team was doing fine but it wasn't. Naruto was not acting like a maid, even refusing to get into maid disguise. Eventually Kakashi had to force him into it, and then....

Naruto begin talking in a fake French accent. "Oh, oui, we are pretty maids!"
Kakashi groaned. Well, he would have to act along, or blow their cover. "Yah" he said in a very fake Norman-Viking-Russian voice "We are good maids, yah, we come from home country to help, yah."
"Oh really?" The hotel concierge was sarcastic. "Since when did Russia and France merge countries? Or have I missed a giant earthquake or two?"
Kakashi sweated. They had to get out of there! He grabbed Naruto's arm. "We be taking meal for people ordering room service, yah." They ran down a corridor.
"What are you doing?" asked Naruto, his eyes furious.
"They were getting suspicious." Kakashi replied. "Why did you do that ridiculous French voice, Naruto?"
"I thought of it." Replied Naruto, grinning. "Pretty good idea huh?"
Kakashi's reply to that was to whack Naruto in the head.

Later, as Naruto and Kakashi were standing in front of Ross's door with a cartload of food, Kakashi told Naruto, " I don't want us to be seen in these stupid maid disguises anymore. So what I'll do is put shurikan stars in each of these foods. He's bound to choke on one and die, right?"

"Let me eat one," Naruto said, "Then promptly choked on it and turned blue in the face.
"Kakashi bent over him. "Naruto you idiot, didn't I just tell you there were shurikan in the food. Weren't you LISTENING?"
"Uhhh...." Naruto replied. "I..... was..... looking..... at..... the.....casseroles."
"Ugh." Said Kakashi, pulling Naruto along. "Come on, we'll have to bring to a hospital. I guess this mission is a failure."



And indeed it was a failure because Ross left for his homeland the very next day. To my knowledge from Sakura, their team has never mentioned that fiasco, but now that the Hokage is making this report public, I guess they'll have to. Nishi-san? You can stop crying. The report is done.

Oh finally. You know Shirai, maybe hiring a nine-year old to be my Junior Assistant wasn't such a bad idea. You really can cheer me up.

Thank you, Nishi-san!


THE END