FicWad

Title- Shadows
Author- Pika-Safire
Beta- Rae-Rae
Rating- PG
Email- safirewoods@yahoo.com.au
Summary- People are made of segments- Ryuichi hates it when people look at him like he’s not complete.


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People are made of segments. Body, Soul, Spirit. Like the pieces of a puzzle, or ingredients of a cake. Small things that come together to make a whole. Ryuichi hated the way people looked at him. Like he wasn’t complete. Like that puzzle with the missing pieces. Like the cake that doesn’t stick because you forgot to add the eggs. People regard him with scorn or suspicion. After all, what would convince a man of thirty plus years to act the way he did, what trauma or event could possibly have incurred such a violent reaction and reversal?

No one believes him when he says it’s nothing. He’s just Ryu. He’s always been different.

Ryuichi doesn’t remember becoming scared of the dark. Like his eyes and nose, it’s something he’s always assumed was a part of him. Every time his father shouted. Every time he was teased at school- that darkness and the shadows that accompany it grew larger, stronger and harder to hide from. He would find himself watching with growing anxiety, His bedroom walls, a sunshine yellow would turn a sickening brown; the nightlight in the corner doing naught but spread the shadows so he could see the dancing silhouettes; twirling and taunting, teeth gnashing threateningly as they cut him down and ravaged his mind.

In high school it was Tohma who kept the night at bay. Late at night, shadows looming over his bed, scrambling up the walls to coat the ceiling and completely engulf the box of his room in absolute blackness; trapping him inside with all the thoughts in his head. At those times, maybe he had to admit to himself that maybe he wasn’t like everyone else. Maybe he wasn’t normal. Tohma always told him he was being silly. That no one knew what normal was. Sometimes he smiled and suggested that maybe it was everyone else who wasn’t normal, and maybe it was everyone else who was just being boring and all the same. So Ryu should continue being himself.

When he left home, it didn’t always have to be dark for the shadows to come; Stealing across the carpet of his tiny apartment, stealthily avoiding the beams of sunlight streaming cheerfully through the windows. Creeping behind him and opening its jaws, letting lose all the fears that plagued him when the shadows are near. Doubt. Fear. Worry. Need. His beliefs and self-esteem plummet. His jaw locks and his knees tremble as the shadows overtake his body, pulling his limbs like a puppet on a string. He’s nauseous and small and the shadows slowly reduce him to nothing. Tohma would find him, curled up and trembling, putting him back together with quiet words and reassurances.

As an adult, sometimes when dusk threatened, Ryuichi would venture outside, staring at the waning sun until his eyes watered and stung, small black dots dancing mockingly in front of his vision; taunts that reminded him that nothing could stop the inky streaks around him from lengthening and stretching as they blurred together, merging into monstrous shapes that force his hand and break his resolve. He’d run inside, cocooning himself in his blankets. He knew that he couldn’t escape, his breaths coming in laborious gasps, but still when those inky pools of nothingness threatened to swallow him, he’d clutch Kumagoro tighter, squeezing his eyes shut until the day broke and the insides of his eyelids turned pink.

He was always more enthusiastic the following day- building back up what the shadows had taken. He took it as a challenge. He’d sing louder, try harder. Wanted to meet everyone, see everything and fill the cavernous holes that threatened to unravel him like a ball of yarn, filling the shadows with the vibrancy of Tokyo and his beloved music.

Ryuichi can remember the day where he beat the shadows. He stood tall on stage, his heart soaring as he sang. He thought he would explode with happiness. The darkness that lurked in the audience for his debut performance was easily overcome by the bright lights obscuring his vision, and heating his body until rivulets of sweat trickled down his neck. Tohma stood beside him, his eyes closed as he thrummed out the melody, slender fingers sliding easily over bone white keys- a lilting tune to keep the shadows at bay. The lights shone brighter than the sun, directed upon him, the roar of the audience a boost to his cloud. He felt he could fly. Even as the lights dimmed, the applause of the fans echoing in his ears, a new light radiated from himself. Confidence. Love. Assurance. As he stepped off stage, the shadows retreated, Tohma standing like a beacon beside him. Ryuichi turned and beamed, an ear splitting smile that threatened to split his face in two. ‘Now,’ he thought proudly, surveying the stage, ‘Now, I’m bigger than the shadows.’