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Thank God You’re Here: A Visit With Norbert

by Big D

Disclaimer: Not Mine. No Profit. No Shit.

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Harry stepped out of the heavy-timbered wooden lodge and into the brisk Romanian night. Spring was finally beginning to take hold in the valleys below, but up here in the mountains, where the snows never truly melted, it still felt like winter at Hogwarts.

Blowing into his hands for warmth, he let his feet lead him down the narrow, hard beaten trail that led away from the small settlement where the dragon handlers lived, towards one of the high-arching, manmade caves that served as kennels for the female dragons. Dragonesses tended to be fiercely territorial, particularly when in heat, and needed to be spaced well apart to keep them from tearing each other apart. Luckily, there was plenty of empty room out here, and once the fems had nested, they were relatively docile.

Relative being the operative word. Dragons were tricky business on the best of days, but Harry had learned enough about their ways in the time since he had first come to the preserve that he had no qualms about approaching one alone.

It had surprised him a bit when Charlie had offered him a job. The rest of his family had all turned their backs on him after they’d caught him, Hermione, and Fleur rutting like wild animals on Molly and Arthur’s bed. It had been a simple and rather elegant solution to the problem that had arisen once the three of them had finally come to their senses and realized that none of them actually wanted to marry their respective Weasleys. For some reason, Charlie seemed to be the only one who understood why a sane person would want nothing to do with his family.

Besides, Harry had needed a break from being the savior of the world in the worst way, and Romania had turned out to be the perfect place to get away for a while. There was plenty of good, honest work to be done around the preserve, and no one there to bother him except Charlie and the other dragon handlers, all of whom had far too many scars themselves to be bothered much with the one that adorned his forehead.

He glanced at the signpost as he approached the hanger-like artificial den. “Norberta” had never quite sounded right to him, never mind that Hagrid’s one-time pet had turned out to be a girl. She would always be Norbert to him. A reminder of a more innocent time, if a paradoxically dangerous one. He had stopped by tonight because the Hogwarts’ groundskeeper had owled him a batch of his homemade rock cakes and asked if he would share a few with “Little Norbie”.

The fact that Little Norbie was now over a hundred feet long and nearly as big around as a bus seemed completely lost on the man, but who was Harry to judge?

His eyes narrowed in concern as soon as he entered the stone kennel and saw Norbert laying on her side. Something was wrong. The posture was all off–dragons hated exposing their bellies like that–and she was making a noise that he had never heard any of them make before, almost like a low, rumbling purr, as if from a housecat the size of a barn.

“Hello, love,” he said in a steady, calm voice as he approached her and laid a hand on her narrow, tapered muzzle, which was nearly as long as he was. She was warm to the touch, warmer than she should be, and he could feel her trembling slightly under his hand. Very carefully, he reached out and lifted one of her eyelids, exposing a golden, slitted eye nearly as wide around as a dinner plate.

The slit down the middle was almost closed, but it suddenly widened as a long, lazy shudder swept through the great beast. Norbert kicked her leg fitfully a couple of times, and Harry had to leap out of the way as she snorted out a small burst of flame right next to him. She lifted her head and looked at him for a moment, almost apologetically, then settled back down, seemingly content.

Something was wrong here. Norbert was acting like she was sick, but aside from her very slight fever, she looked perfectly healthy. He circled around to examine her further, making sure to keep a measured distance between himself and her massive claws. He didn’t think she would attack him on purpose, but he would be no less dead if she kicked out a leg and gutted him without looking.

Harry frowned as he examined her hind area and noticed an unusual swelling around the cloaca. It looked as if the swelling had caused the vent lips to part slightly, and there seemed to be some kind of clear, viscous fluid seeping from the opening. Harry rubbed his chin thoughtfully and wondered what it could be. It didn’t look like runoff from an infection, but there was a possibility that the canal could be obstructed with something that was irritating the delicate inner walls and stimulating the mucosal tissues, causing the discharge.

Harry suddenly laughed out loud as the answer hit him. That was an awfully complicated way of saying that Norbert had gotten something stuck in her pussy and was getting off on it. He took in her posture and behavior again and shook his head in amusement at her “illness”.

“Good for you, girl,” he said proudly. “But I think I’m going to have to pull it out. I hope you don’t hold it against me, but we can’t have you catching a real infection from whatever you managed to get stuck up there.” He shook his head again, this time in wonder. “How did you pull that off, anyway?”

Norbert didn’t respond, of course. She merely lifted her head to watch as Harry rolled up his sleeve and cautiously approached her. He braced himself with his right hand against her belly and gently parted the massive lips of her vent with his left. Dragonskin was one of the toughest substances known to wizardkind, but she was just as soft inside as any human–albeit a fair bit warmer.

His arm slid in easily all the way up the wrist, but he couldn’t feel an obstruction. Pushing in deeper, all the way to his biceps, Harry searched for the mysterious object. Suddenly something brushed against the tips of his fingers. It was smooth and round, but more importantly than that, it jerked when he touched it.

Whatever was in there was alive.

His mind filled with a new sense of concern, Harry plunged his arm inside of Norbert as far as he could reach. The dragoness began to grow restless, growling slightly and flexing as if she was preparing to stand, but Harry ignored her. What the hell was this thing? Some kind of magical parasite? He considered the idea that she had miscarried and that pup was somehow stuck, but she shouldn’t have been far enough along for a fetus to develop yet. Besides which, this thing was definitely alive. His fingers brushed against it again and he could clearly feel it trying to squirm further up the birthing canal and away from him. He just couldn’t reach the damn thing!

“Sorry, girl,” he muttered. “But you’re probably not going to like this... Accio!!!”

Norbert hissed angrily as Harry’s wandless summoning spell seized whatever was crawling inside of her, pulling it towards his outstretched hand. He latched onto it for all he was worth and yanked hard, bracing his right foot against Norbert’s belly for additional leverage, the thing frantically trying to pull out of his grasp. The resistance suddenly disappeared and Harry tumbled backwards onto the stone floor, the slime-covered creature landing in front of him with a wet splat. He scrambled to his feet, drawing his wand as he rose and training it on...

Charlie Weasley?

A naked Charlie Weasley, drenched in dragon spunk?

A naked Charlie Weasley, drenched in dragon spunk with... Harry fought the urge to retch... a bobbing erection between his legs?

Harry lost the battle with the swirling bile in his stomach, turning his head and spewing up all over the floor of the kennel.

Charlie raised a placating hand. “Listen, Harry...” he began.

Harry stumbled back, waving him off frantically. “No, I don’t want know!”

“Wait, you don’t understand!”

Harry stared at him incredulously. “I don’t WANT to understand,” he practically screamed.

“But we’re in love...”

Harry’s body was suddenly wracked by a second bout of projectile vomiting.

“She’s having my child...”

“Oh, dear God...” Harry breathed in between dry heaves. “Just stop... For the love of all that is holy, please stop now!”

A weighted silence descended on the cave, broken only be the sound of Harry occasionally spitting out the remaining chunks of barf stuck to the insides of his mouth and his deep, gasping breaths. After a long moment he was finally able to regain enough control of himself to turn back to Charlie, who had picked himself up off the floor and was standing next to Norbert with one hand resting lightly on her flank.

Harry blinked at the nearly identical looks that the two of them were giving him. He had never seen a dragon look so... serious and thoughtful before.

“Harry...” Charlie started, “I realize that we’re dumping this on you all at once, and I apologize for that...” he looked at Norbert, who almost seemed to nod encouragingly at him, “but we were wondering if you would consent to be the godfather of our child?”

Harry felt his jaw drop. “I can’t believe I thought you were the normal one...” he whispered, before turning and running blindly into the night.

Charlie folded his arms across his chest and sighed disappointedly as he watched Harry flee. He glanced at Norbert, who nuzzled his shoulder affectionately with her great snout, then shook his head.

“Oh well... guess we’ll just have to ask McGonagall.”

(End)


AN: This one started out as a discussion on DLP where I made a joke about how little effort JKR had bothered to put into the names of Harry and Co.’s children, saying that: “Charlie and Hestia later got married and had a little girl named Hagrid Norbert Weasley.” Well, someone then reminded me that “Norbert” was really “Norberta”, and then one thing led to another and I ended up being challenged to write a Charlie/Norberta fic.

This fic is proof that while I sometimes suffer for my art, generally speaking it’s you guys who end up feeling the pain.