Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco

Loves me, Loves me not.

by Lollipops_n_Gumdrops 17 reviews

“Ryan...y-you consider me a friend, right?” Brendon licked his lips, swallowing nervously. No matter how many happy thoughts passed in his brain, no amount of colourful skittles and rainbows co...

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG - Genres: Angst,Romance - Published: 2008-04-05 - Updated: 2008-04-05 - 1889 words - Complete


Ask him out.


Don’t ask him out.


Ask him out.


“Don’t ask him out.”

Brendon sighed quietly as he let go of the last petal, watching as it fell from his fingertips, and turned from his current position on his back to lie on his stomach, feeling the prickly blades of grass scrunching under his weight. He tossed the piece of yellowish stem from the once full daisy flower aside, and laid his head on his crossed arms.

The wind blew gently, moving his hair away from his face, and Brendon closed his large chocolate brown eyes as a strange feeling of melancholy overtook him. It wasn’t normal for him to be so quiet for so long, or so sombre, for that matter, but something had been bothering him as of late.

Now normally, when Brendon had a problem, he would try his best to fix whatever it was that was making him sad. Or he would go to one of his friends and ask them for advice, which as the nice friends that they were; they would usually give him the right idea on what to do, or at the very least give him a sympathetic ear to talk to.

But this time, he had no idea what to do. He couldn’t do anything to solve his problem without losing someone in return, someone who literally meant the world to him. And it was driving him to near exhaustion every time he thought about it. Or more specifically, him.

Brendon was almost certain, since the first time they had met, that he had instantly felt an attraction to Ryan. And well, who wouldn’t? He was beautiful, after all, and Brendon knew for a fact that he could never compare to him, and that Ryan could never like him back, and would never give him that second glance that he longed for.


No matter how much he wished it were true, that Ryan would care for him the way he cared for Ryan, unfortunately he knew that would never actually happen. After all, how could the kid with the big shy bambi eyes and the stupid dorky smile ever win someone like Ryan, who had the smoulderingly sexy eyes, and that seductive catlike grin that could make any girl swoon? It just...they were from different worlds.

Brendon’s eyes stayed closed, and yet another dejected sounding sigh escaped his lips.

Had he been paying attention to his surroundings, Brendon probably would have noticed the shadow now taking up his once sunny spot in the park, but being as surrounded in troubled thoughts as Brendon was, he didn’t notice until the object, or now person spoke to him.

“Now why are you ripping up all of these pretty flowers? Do you like hurting nature?”

Brendon blinked, eyes opening slowly to a pair of white converse’s right in front of his nose. He didn’t have to look up to figure out just who was in front of him, since he knew that voice anywhere. It was almost implanted in his brain.

Even so, he squinted up through the sun, eyeing the dark figure. “No! I-I just, I-I was...”

Brendon saw the figure laugh, a lovely sound, then watched as he plopped down in front of him, and lied on his stomach the same as Brendon, so that their faces were only inches away, enough to make Brendon blush as their eyes met. Brendon had always admired the golden colour Ryan’s eyes turned in the sunlight, as they were now. They just looked so comforting, almost as if you could drown in their warmth if you stared for too long.

“Relax, I was just teasing you.” He said lightly, watching Brendon’s blushing face with an amused smile. He tilted his head to the side then, and picked up a still intact daisy that was sitting to the right side of him, and playfully tucked it behind Brendon’s ear.

Eyes widening, Brendon willed his speeding heart to stop beating so fast, and instead let one of his trademark silly smiles cover his face. Just being around Ryan could make him go from being in a depressive mood, to being overwhelmingly happy.

Now, he never said that he and Ryan weren’t friends, which they were, but it was only casual, and although Brendon was occasionally affectionate with Ryan, he believed that if Ryan ever found out about his secret, well, you could say crush if you wanted to, Ryan would reject him. Or even worse he would be disgusted with him, and refuse to be his friend anymore. That alone frightened Brendon to never utter a word about it for a long time, but it was getting to be too much. If he didn’t say something soon he was afraid that he might let something slip out that would be very inappropriate when the time came.

“What are you thinking about? You’ve never been quiet like this before.” Ryan frowned, and his caramel coloured eyes showed a hint of worried concern.

Brendon bit his bottom lip, contemplating. Should he come out with it? Maybe...Screw the stupid ass daisy!

Taking a very deep breath, Brendon shut his eyes. It was easier for him to speak if he didn’t have to see the most likely horrible reaction that was about to follow. Feeling nervous right now was a bad idea, so he tried to think of a bunch of things that were calming to him, like unicorns and butterflies and horse-shaped marshmallows.

Find the happy place.


“Ryan...y-you consider me a friend, right?” Brendon licked his lips, swallowing nervously. No matter how many happy thoughts passed in his brain, no amount of colourful skittles and rainbows could get rid of all his nerves, so he had to settle with a slightly madly racing heart.

Brendon opened his eyes when Ryan didn’t respond right away, and saw the slight shock that covered Ryan’s features.

“Of course, Brendon!” Ryan said, as if it were the most obvious fact in the world. As Brendon breathed out again, Ryan started to worry, and he nervously reached for one of Brendon’s hands and grasped on to it, trying to get his attention again.

“Brendon, is something wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?” he asked frantically, eyes wide and searching.

Brendon shook his head, waving off Ryan’s hand quickly. He wouldn’t have the courage to tell Ryan if he kept being so caring towards him, so he reassured him that it was nothing major by giving him a weak smile.

“Ryan, I just...would you still be my friend no matter what?” he spoke softly, absentmindedly fiddling with the flower Ryan had placed in his hair. “Even if I...i-if I have a secret that might make you hate me?” Brendon bit his lip again, feeling it turning red with irritation as he worried it between his teeth.

Ryan’s eyebrows creased, and his eyes grew even more concerned. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it once more. “I...Brendon, I could never hate you! But what is it that you’re keeping from me? Tell me! You’re really scaring me, is it serious?” Ryan’s hand reached for Brendon’s once more, and this time Brendon let him grasp it.

Brendon sighed, and Ryan squeezed his hand gently, running his thumb along Brendon’s knuckles soothingly. “Please, Brendon.” he said, desperately. “I promise I won’t hate you, whatever it is that you did, it doesn’t matter.”

Ryan’s eyes searched Brendon imploringly, and Brendon felt himself cracking under his gaze.

He was finally going to do it. Tell Ryan you like him, tell Ryan you like him, tell Ryan you like him. You can do it Brendon, just think of kittens and silky pink bows. Kittens and silky pink bows, kittens and silky pink bows, kittens and silky pink bows... Cute, and a good distraction. Awesome. Unfortunately it was harder to say it than it was to think it. Brendon’s hand was trembling slightly in Ryan’s own.

“Ry, I...” deep deep deep breathe, sweating palms...kittens and silky pink bows...


Completely mortified, Brendon squeezed his eyes shut, and felt his cheeks turning about three thousand shades of red. Had he really just said that? In front of Ryan? To Ryan?! Oh no no no no no! Don't hate me, don't hate me, don't hate me, don't ha-

“Brendon...” Ryan’s voice sounded as if he were about to start laughing, and Brendon felt his insides convulse. Was Ryan going to make fun of him now? Hopefully not. “Did you just tell me you have a crush on me...?”

His voice was teasing, and Brendon couldn’t help it as he felt his heart give a slightly painful tug. He slowly took his hand away from Ryan’s, head down. Ryan was treating him like a joke. Of course, his reaction could have been worse. He could have run off screaming, or he could have gotten punched in the face, but Brendon had sort of hoped that even if Ryan hadn’t returned his feelings, he would at least treat him a little more delicately. What he was doing now was almost felt like Ryan was pushing the words back into his face just to humiliate him.

Brendon nodded, swallowing again. His throat seemed to be unbearably dry.

“Well,” Ryan murmured, and Brendon was surprised when he felt downy soft fingers lifting up his chin, to look directly into Ryan’s eyes. What surprised him more though was what he could see in Ryan’s eyes.

His heart skipped a beat.

“Then you’ll be happy to know that I like you too,” Ryan smiled charmingly, lips lifting as he saw the shocked gasp escape Brendon’s parted lips.

It couldn’t be true. Brendon licked his lips again, and watched Ryan as Ryan watched him. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. Ryan liked him back? Ryan liked him back! Brendon looked into Ryan’s eyes to make sure, and the spark of hope that had started to bubble up now completely burst up as he saw the sincerity in his looks, his voice.

“Really?” he couldn’t help but ask, as a shy smile tugged at his lips.

In answer Ryan leaned forward, and pressed their lips together softly, closing his eyes. It was as if a spark had gone off between them, and Brendon found himself wanting more of Ryan’s soft, plush kisses. When Brendon pulled back, Ryan pushed forward again, and connected their lips for the second time, tilting his head to the side and letting out a satisfied ‘Mm’ that vibrated against both of them, before pulling back, leaving Brendon feeling breathless and dizzy with happiness.

“Does that answer your question?” Ryan said, smiling against Brendon’s lips as he kissed him again. Ryan was being so cute and adorable that Brendon could only giggle against his lips, kissing back sweetly, and reach a hand up and curl it into Ryan’s hair, rolling his eyes.

“Shut up and kiss me.”

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