FicWad

Title: Home Again
Author: Cerasi J.
Rating: PG-13 (For semi-angst)
Summary: Susannah decides to return to New York, can Jesse change her mind before it's too late?
Disclaimer: I don't own Suze, Jesse, or anyone else from the books. All the money goes to Jenny Carroll.

~~~

I'm so afraid to love you
But more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

-Sarah McLachlan, I Will Remember You

~~~



I've failed.

At everything. I'm not exactly what you'd call an outgoing person. And I hate it, I hate myself. I hate being the way I am.

I want to be nice and friendly and outgoing. But I just can't, not here.

Not in California.

In New York you could be as rude as you wanted and you could get away with it, here, on the west coast, everyone was so nice to me and I was still rude about everything.

I thought that when I moved here things would be different, I would be different.

A different person, who wasn't a freak that could talk to the dead. I would be a person who was pretty, and popular, and had lots of dates.

That's when I met Jesse.

And let me tell you, he is my downfall. I never planned on falling in love. It just wasn't in my plans. What's so bad about falling in love? you ask.

I'll tell you why, because the guy I happen to love? Well, he's been dead for the last one hundred and fifty /years/. And for the most part, doesn't even notice I'm alive.

It bites big time.

I didn't stick to my plans, and this is why I failed. I've let my mother down, by being a Mediator, and not the Prom Queen she always wanted me to be.

My friends, because I hardly have time for them anymore. Jesse, because I've tried so hard not to fall in love with him, and I did it anyway.

Father Dom, because my Mediator skills are, shall we say, lacking. Even my stupid cat Spike, because sometimes I forget to feed him.

I've failed them all. I don't know how I failed them all, but I felt that I must have in someway.

I pulled my feet up onto my bed and hugged my knees to my chest. I'm usually not like this, wallowing in my own self-pity, I mean, but today, it really hit me.

I woke up one morning last month and realized what a failure I really was. I mean, I can't even mediate a ghost correctly-well, according to Father Dom anyway-so, really, what good am I?

It's been two months since Jesse kissed me, and he acted like nothing ever happened between us. Like anything would ever happen anyway.

No way, I'm sure that kiss was just a "Hey, thanks for saving me from purgatory" kind of kiss. Not a "You died for me and I love you for it" kind.

Typical.

I stared out my window at the beautiful Pacific Ocean. I'd really miss it. The ocean, I mean. And I'd miss Cee Cee and Adam too, of course. And Jesse, and Father Dom, and Spike...

Oh, I guess I didn't mention why I would miss everyone, huh?

I'll miss them because I'm leaving. I'm going home, to New York. Home to the Yankees, bagels, subways, and World Trade Centers. Home. That had a good ring to it.

The thing is, I knew I should miss everyone, but I didn't feel that way. I felt empty, hollow, numb.

Like someone had drained the blood from my body, I just didn't care anymore. What anyone thought of me or why. I honestly had no idea why I felt that way either.

No one liked me here, I mean, seriously. Jesse treated me like a little sister instead of a romantic interest, Father Dom yells at me all the time, all my stepbrothers ever did was pick on me...

Did I mention people keep trying to kill me?

I guess what I am just trying to say is, I don't fit in here. In New York, no one cared why I talked to myself on the street corner, or why I came to school with five stitches in my forehead. And no one asked why, either.

It was New York; no one cares about those things.

Maybe I'm running, I thought to myself, running from my problems, running from myself. Did it really matter anyway? Nope, not one bit. Not to me.

I'd leave, mom would be sad, Dopey would throw a party, Jesse wouldn't probably even notice I was gone, and Father Dom would just sigh in relief.

Oh, I wasn't going back to New York on a whim, mind you, I'd thought it all out. I'd been thinking about it for awhile now, too. For the last month at least.

I'd stay with my Grandma, she liked having me around, I guess, and I'd go back to my old school, and I could hang with Gina.

Yeah, that would be nice. And I could get a real slice of pizza, and a real bagel. I'd debated about this for awhile, weighing the pros and cons in my head. Sure, I could get real food in NY, but could I keep this awsome tan? No way.

And Jesse... what about him? I couldn't help but wondering, would he miss me? Would he be lonely?

No, probably not. He'd lived without me for the last 150 years, he wouldn't miss me. This thought caused my eyes to well up with tears and my heart to grow heavy in my chest.

Of course he wouldn't miss me, he'd probably join in on Dopey's partying.

I sighed and closed my eyes, shutting out the bright rays of sunlight filtering into my bedroom. I opened them and looked around my room; it wouldn't take me more than two days to pack all my stuff up again...

This was it, I thought, my last few weeks in California. I hadn't told my mother of my plans yet, but I was going to, tonight.

The only question I couldn't find an answer to was, why did I want to leave? Why was I running away from sunny California? In a rush, I knew what the answer was.

I couldn't live with someone who didn't feel the same way about me.

Lame, I know, it's so totally /90201/, but it's for real. It hurt me everytime I came home from school and found Jesse sitting on my window seat, reading a book he'd stole from one of the many book cases around the house.

It hurt to have him look at me in the eyes, because I knew, to him, I was just a friend, a crazy Mediator chick with whom he shared a bedroom.

So, yeah, basically, I was going back to New York because of Jesse. Not because I hated him or anything, but exactly the opposite, I was going home because I loved him.

I got up off of the window seat and looked around once more, I guess I would miss it here. I tried to push the thoughts of Jesse into the back of my mind.

Squaring my shoulders and taking a deep breath, I went downstairs to tell my mother of my plans.

~~~

Well. That went nicely, didn't it? Oh sure, I walked into my mom's room and she looked up from the report she was editing and blinked at me all surprised since I never go in there and says, "Suzie, honey, what are you doing here?"

I didn't even say hi, I just blurted out, "Mom, Andy, I want to go home. I want to go back to New York."

Andy's jaw dropped and so did mom's. That's when I knew I opened the can of worms, because Andy jumped up and hugged me and was all paniced about, "I'm not a good enough step-father, am I? Oh Suze, I'm so sorry!"

Mom, however, just sat there. Then her eyes welled up with tears; "I knew it!" She sobbed, "I knew you weren't happy here! Oh Suze, what can we do to make it better?"

For some reason, I thought of Jesse not loving me again, and without thinking about the words I was about to say, I replied to her quietly, "You can let me go home."

My mom started to cry harder and Andy looked down at me all sad, "You don't like California, Suze? But you have friends, nice friends, and you're popular, why don't you like it here?"

All I could manage to say was, "It's complicated, Andy, I'm sorry." Watching my mother cry really did make me feel sorry. I wanted to walk over and hug her, but my feet seemed glued to the floor.

Andy, just not being able to take the hint, says, "Complicated? What's so complicated about it? Is it school? Suze, if it's school we can get you a tutor, or-... or David could help you..."

While Andy was saying this my mom was crying, "Suzie, don't you love us anymore? Do you really hate it that much?"

After that, I couldn't take it anymore, I turned and ran-literally ran-back to my bedroom. I locked myself in the bathroom, that was the only part of my room that had a doorlock.

My mom tried to talk me out of going back to New York, she tried for two hours. Finally, I opened the bathroom door and said, "Mom, please, /please/. I just need to be alone for a little while."

Mom, sniffling, nodded and turned to leave. "Suzie," she said to me over her shoulder when she reached the doorway, "Does this have something to do with that boy?"

Confused, I came out of the bathroom, "Boy?" I echoed, "What boy?" She turned to face me again, "The boy David told me about. Jesse? Was that his name?"

I gaped at her. Oh. My. God. My mother knew about Jesse?! "Jesse?" I stuttered, "When did he tell you about Jesse?"

She shrugged and looked at her feet, she was still sniffling, "Awhile back, I guess, you've never said anything about him to us-me... why didn't you?"

Um, because Jesse is actually a dead guy? From a hundred and fifty years ago? And he happens to live in my bedroom?

It was my turn to shrug, "Mom, like I said, it's complicated..." Mom glanced up at me, looking hopeful, "Where does he live? Is he nice? Does he go to your school? I don't remember you ever telling me anything about him..."

Well, DUH!

I rubbed my temples with my eyes closed, "Mom, please, I really don't want to talk abou-..."

"Is that why you want to go home? Did you two have a fight or something?"

No, Mom. I want to go home because Jesse is dead and doesn't love me anyway. God, parents sometimes, I swear.

So, just to shut her up I go, "Yeah, we did. I caught him cheating with some blonde chick, now can I please be alone for awhile?"

Mom's jaw dropped, "Oh honey!" She ran across the room and hugged me very tightly, "Why didn't you tell me all this before?! Well, now I understand, you wanting to go home for awhile and visit Grandma and Gina... honey, it's okay..."

As she was saying this she was patting me on the back and rocking me a little bit. I was way too old for this, but I let her do it anyway, if it meant I could get back to New York.

After about thirty minutes of mom giving me advice on what I should say to the Jesse I had just made up, she left. By this time, the sun was setting, splashing my room with bright reds, purples and golds.

I opened the window and climbed out onto the roof. Where I stood until the last rays of the sun had disappeared from view.

I mean, I stood there, I didn't sit like I usually did. I couldn't sit right now. I didn't feel like it, I felt numb and hollow again. Like I didn't care about anyone or anything.

I didn't even care when I heard a hurt voice behind me, "You're leaving, Susannah?"

Jesse. Who else would it be? I barely nodded, I said nothing, just kept standing there, watching the ocean. He climbed out onto the roof and stood beside me, "Why are you leaving?" He sounded as hurt as I'd ever heard him sound.

I didn't look at him, just kept staring. I was in a daze and didn't want to be pulled from it, "Because," I murmured. It was the first thing I said in nearly an hour and a half.

Suddenly my vision was filled with Jesse's face. He'd stepped in front of me to get my attention, "Because why?" My eyes focused on his face. His perfect face that I'd grown to love dearly. His eyes reguarded me with slight curiousity.

I don't know why, but all of a sudden I felt like crying. I sighed, turned and walked back to the window. When I stepped inside of my room, Jesse was standing in front of me again, "Why are you leaving, Susannah?"

"Just leave me alone," I snapped at him. And, much to my surprise, he snapped back, "I will not leave you alone, why are you leaving?" I'd never heard him snap at me before. It shocked me and hurt me at the same time. I slumped down to the window seat; feeling as depressed as I ever had in my whole life.

"Why am I leaving? Why do you care?" I muttered to myself, turning to stare out the window again.

With three strides, Jesse was sitting beside me. "I care about you, Susannah, I understand if you want to go home, but I don't want you to go because of the wrong reasons." His voice was softer now, he reached out and touched my cheek.

A gesture, I've come to realize, he only uses when he wants something from me. I slapped his hand away, and I didn't look at him. "I'm not going home because of the 'wrong reasons,' Jesse," I informed him, "I just want to go home."

"Is it me?" He asked, he sounded hurt again, "Is it something I did?"

I laughed bitterly, tears starting to spring to my eyes, "You might say that." I was mad at him. I had been mad at him before, but right now, I was really pissed.

Why didn't I see it before? I thought to myself, Jesse treats you like hell, he laughs at you, he didn't even say thank you when you risked your life to save him, he kissed you, sure, but a thank you would have been nice... but you still love him, why?

The voice in my head, the Mediator part of me said, Do you treat him any better?

Tears spilled over in my eyes, and made wet tracks down my cheeks. I kept staring at the ocean so I wouldn't have to see the expression on Jesse's face. I felt like someone was ripping my heart from my chest.

"What did I do to hurt you, Susannah?" I stole a glance at his face, he looked exactly like I felt, tired, angry, sad... I made a face, trying to stop the tears. "It isn't what you did," I whimpered to the window, "It's what I did."

This seemed to surprise him, the expression on his face turned blank, "You?"

Oh God, how could I tell him? How could I tell him that I was leaving, and I wasn't coming back because it hurt me too much to be around a man that didn't love me back?

"I'm so stupid, Jesse," I said quietly, almost to myself, I reached up and traced patterns on the glass with my fingertips. "I rush into things without a plan, without caring about what happens to me in the process."

He watched me, his eyes growing wide.

I scoffed and shook my head to myself, "I'm so stupid," I repeated. More tears spilled over and ran down my cheeks. A breeze blew in from the ocean, freezing the drops of water to my face.

"You're not stupid, Susannah," Jesse whispered to me, "A little headstrong sometimes, but not stupid."

"I was stupid this time," I said, making no attempt to wipe my eyes, "And now I have to leave because of it."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Susannah," he said quickly, grabbing my arm, "What kind of stupid?"

Catching the meaning of that sentence in his tone of voice, I rolled my eyes, "No Jesse, I'm not pregnant or anything like that."

"Oh," he relaxed visably, and let go of my arm. "Good."

I sighed again, "I leave in two weeks. Mom's booking the ticket for me as we speak."

Jesse grabbed my arm again, "But why, Suze? Why are you leaving me?" I turned to him, blinking the tears out of my eyes; "Did... you just call me Suze?"

Wait a minute, did he just say 'leaving me'?

There is a God, and he does love me!

He shook his head, "It doesn't matter, why are you leaving?" Suze. He called me Suze. I couldn't believe it.

I blinked at him again. "Why can't you tell me?" He shook my arm a little bit, ducking his head so he could look into my eyes, "Why?"

I felt more tears rush to my eyes, "Because," I said, while trying to choke back a sob, "I just can't."

"Please," Jesse pleaded, "Please, tell me, Susannah, I need to know."

So I told him. It all tumbled out, like when he demanded to know about Maria, and this time he didn't laugh at me. "Fine, you want to know?" I said, sitting up against the window, "I have to leave because I'm falling in love with you, Jesse, and where can it go? You're dead, I'm not. I figured New York was going to be better for me, it wouldn't hurt so bad if I was back there, besides."

Boy, I was really starting to ramble, "I'm pretty sure you don't feel the same way about me, so, I thought, just spair us both the heartache and go home."

Jesse stared at me, his eyes wide; he looked like he couldn't believe what he had just heard. "Jesse," I said, leaning forward suddenly and touching his face, that was the first time I'd ever touched him, he had great skin for a dead guy, smooth and soft...

"Susannah," he said, catching my hand and holding it to his cheek, he looked amused, "I didn't understand a word you just said."

I pulled my hand away from him, typical, I thought, just when I pour my heart out to him, I ramble and he doesn't understand a word I say, oh well, here goes nothin'.

I sat up so I kneeled in front of him, "Jesse," I said again; "I love you." And then I did something I'd never done before. To anyone.

I reached forward, put my hands behind his neck, pulled him close to me and kissed him.

Yeah, you read right. I kissed Jesse. And lemme tell 'ya, that was the best thing in the whole world. Jesse, however, was very surprised by my actions.

So surprised, in fact, that he just sat there and let me kiss him, he didn't move or anything.

When I thought he had got the message I pulled back and looked at him, my tears were gone now and I felt much better than I probably should have. At this point, I didn't care if he loved me or not, I was just glad I had finally told him.

Jesse just kept staring at me, with these wide eyes and shocked expression. For some reason, I smiled at him.

Then, recovering from his shock, he smiled back. It's pathtic, I know, but when he smiled at me my heart totally melted. I mean, it so was /Six Days, Seven Nights/.

Well, except I had someone way better than Harrison Ford. I had Jesse de Silva.

I said, "I'm sorry... that was sudden... I-... didn't mean to upset you or anything..." I looked at my hands in my lap and blushed.

He reached up and took my face in his hands, like he did before, you know, after I saved him from an eternal life in hell or whatever.

"You didn't upset me, Susannah," he said with a smile, "You just made me very happy." And then it was his turn to kiss me. I so totally did not mind that at all.

I threw my arms around him and let him kiss me; Jesse was a way better kisser than Tad Beaumont could ever hope to be.

In between Jesse's kisses I shouted downstairs, "Mom? Never mind that plane ticket..."

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Fin, please r & r! =)