- Hmm fairly good so far. This starts like just about every other twin Potter stories, not that there's a lot you can do to change it. I will forestall my judgement until you put out more chapters. I will definately be keeping an eye on this story.
- An excellent description of Voldemort's visit and distruction along with the rationale beyond Dumbles' mistake. Methinks that this "oopsie" is going to come back to haunt him big time. I'll be rather interested in the rationale used in this situation for sending Harry to the Dursleys and I suspect it'll end up coming back to bite Dumbles big time.
- @ryders...: your story neither posted here, nor do you add a link to it => go home (to be polite)
@ story: the main background isn't something one can change so easily, but the chapter takes a different approach than most stories. so keep going.
(#) Ender_Wiggin 2008-04-13@DtH4ever - You should apologize to Ryder. Check out the first chapter of his story "Harry Potter: The Other Child" on fanfiction.com. Then compare it to this one.
I think a total of 4 words were changed, those being people's names. An obvious case of plagiarism.
Now, from TheDemon's story summary, he may be taking this story in a different direction than Ryder's, but that doesn't excuse what he's done.
- that may be true (havent read it yet), how am i to know where he has posted it, or its name?
my problem with his review isn't the possibility of the plagiarism, but the lack of proof of it in his post. (and without proof everyone can type those words.)
add a link next time and everyone is happy.
- I won’t point the finger and cry plagiarism, but I will say this: you do like long, drawn out sentences, don’t you? Use a comma or a period once in a while. It causes a lot of confusion and I actually found myself giggling at points which doesn't bode well on your story.
You have a problem with repetition. For example, you write that every window for a mile around the Potter house is shattered and then you write that the window in the nursery is no exception. That point was already stated, there was no reason to repeat it, especially directly after the first mention of it. Furthermore, you write that Alex was screaming in pain. The next sentence states that all was quiet except for Alex’s screams. Not only does the end of this sentence negate the beginning of it (since the baby is screaming that means it is not quiet), it also repeats the previous sentence.
There’s a problem with this bit:
“James and Lily rushed towards the house panicking when they found the body of their babysitter a daughter of an order member. James ran to see if she was still alive while Lily ran up the stairs screaming for her babies to be alright. Once they reached the door they found it shut but unlocked. Throwing it open James leapt into the room with Lily right behind him both scanning the room with their wands.”
You had James checking on the babysitter while Lily ran up the stairs. Then you had James leading the way into the babies’ room. You specifically stated that James did something while Lily ran up the stairs. By all rights, he would’ve been far behind her. Even if James was a fast runner, at the very least, he should have been two steps behind Lily.
“Instead of the evil snaked face man and their dead children as they had expected to find, they were instead met with an empty room. The cribs were still intact and one of them had painful whimpers coming from it.”
If two cribs were in the room with one baby crying, why was it empty? It clearly was not empty. You should have said that there was only the two cribs with one baby crying.
I would suggest getting a beta reader, after you reread your work that is.
(#) RydersontheStorm 2008-04-13To DtH4ever: I didn't provide a link here but I did provide it when I sent an e-mail to the site admins yesterday.
Since then he's changed the wording around a little, taken out some of my more original descriptions and paragraphs, and added a dialogue between voldie and peter, but that's really it.
If you want a link http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4019820/1/Harry_Potter_the_Other_Child there you go.
I was just warning TheDemon that I'd caught him taking my work without permission.
Sign up to review this story.