Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Accidental Harem

Year 1 Part 1

by BrianJ 11 reviews

Quidditch progress goes splat.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Drama,Humor,Romance - Characters: Harry,Hermione,Mandy Brocklehurst,Sibyll Trelawney - Warnings: [!!] [X] [?] [Y] - Published: 2008-04-14 - Updated: 2008-04-15 - 1044 words

Disclaimer: Inspired by Rorschach's Blot's "Harry Potter and the Accidental Harem,"
which you can find at This story
is also available at the CaerAzkaban newsgroup.

General Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings within this
story are the property of J.K. Rowling, her publishers around the world.
Original characters and storyline belong to yours truly, except for
acknowledged debts to other sources.


At four o'clock, Harry, Hermione, and the rest of House Harem
gathered on the field for their first flying lesson. Professor Hooch
wasn't expecting much. Since no one in the House had ever flown on a
broomstick before, she knew she'd have to start at the absolute

"Good afternoon, students," she said.

"Good afternoon, Professor Hooch," they chorused.

"Today I am here to teach you the basics of how to fly on brooms.
These brooms are provided by the school, but many other students here
buy their own or have their parents buy them. How many of you have
ever heard about flying on a broomstick?"

To Hooch's surprise, half the class raised their hands.

"Where did you hear about that?" Professor Hooch queried.
Hermione's hand shut up, as was becoming one of the House's first

"I read about it in all kinds of stories," Hermione answered. "Like
in ..."

"I remember hearing about these kinds of stories before," answered
Professor Hooch. "Did any of you actually try to fly a broom before?"

The Patils and Hermione raised their hands. "I tried it once," said
Padma. "I got on a broom and climbed onto a barrel and jumped off.
I got paddled for it."

"The problem was that you didn't have the right kind of brooms.
These brooms are charmed to fly you around in a comfortable way.
Since this is your first lesson, I just want you to go up for a few
feet, hover in one place, and come back down. Now, the first thing
to do is to stick your hand out over your broom and call 'UP!'

All of the students nodded and got into position.

"Now yell UP!"

Harry's broom leaped into his hand, Hermione's rolled around on the
ground, and the other students' brooms rose at varying rates into
their students' waiting grips. Hermione eventually bent down and
grabbed her broom as if it were a Muggle sweeping device.

"One point from Miss Granger- your broom should come to you; don't
go to your broom. You have to show it who's boss. Now, I want each
of you to straddle your brooms." She waited for the students to do
so. One of them started giggling. "What's the problem, Parvati?"

"My broom stick is- haha- vibrating," Parvati managed to choke out.

"Which broom is that? Ah, the Gryffindors used it last. I must have
a talk with those twins... Anyway, pull back on the stick, go up a
few feet, and then come right back down. Alright?"

Sadly, it wasn't alright. Sally-Ann Perks had already pulled back
and started rising on her broom. Within a few seconds, she was
already ten feet high and rising.

"Wait, wait, come down, Miss Perks!" called Professor Hooch. But by
now, Sally-Ann was so high that she couldn't come down safely.
Before Professor Hooch tried anything, Harry took off. He managed to
get a hold of Sally-Ann, had her climb onto his broomstick, and come
down while Sally-Ann's old broom continued to rise into the evening

"Mr. Potter, that was some quick thinking and impressive flying-
even though you really shouldn't have," said a half-angered, half-
proud Professor Hooch. "I have to give you detention for that"-
Harry's face fell while those of his housemates clouded with anger-
"so I shall keep you here and tell you about Quidditch."

"What is that?" said all of House Harem in unison.

"Well, it works like this..."


The faculty meeting that followed was long and spirited. On one
hand, having a bunch of 11-year-olds with no training play Quidditch
was insane. On the other hand, having a fifth House to begin with
was at least equally insane. McGonagall, Snape, and Flitwick all
claimed to be anxious to "see what the new students could do," but
the fact is that they all wanted the chance at a fourth game each
year. Professors Sprout and Trelawney weren't big Quidditch fans,
but knew they were outnumbered. In the end, House Harem was allowed
to form a team.


The luck of the draw placed Hufflepuff against House Harem in their
first game.

For fifteen minutes, the game was a farce. House Harem's members
could barely fly in straight lines, and two fell off while attempting even that simple maneuver, keeping Professor Dumbledore very busy softening the ground.
Mandy Brocklehurst managed to make one save in goal, thanks to an
overconfident Hufflepuff chaser, but that was the extent of the Harem
highlights for the first 15 minutes.

And then it happened. Just as Hufflepuff was closing in on yet
another goal, Harry spotted the Snitch near ground on the sideline.
While his broom wasn't nearly as powerful as that of the Hufflepuff
chaser, he was remarkably nimble at flying it. When the Snitch
looked like it would get away, Harry jumped off his broom to try to
grab it. Fortunately, he was now just a few feet off the ground. He
swiped at it with one hand, and wound up knocking it into his mouth.

"I got it!" he called, just before... um, fertilizing the field.
Snitches really don't taste very good!

"And the final score is... Harem 150, Hufflepuff 160. Gandy got the
goal just before... um, wait a minute," said commentator Lee
Jordan. "Madame Hooch is trying to signal something."

Hooch removed something from her pocket- miniature Omnioculars. For
the next two minutes, she looked like she was watching an invisible
tennis match (although she would never have gotten the joke).

After she finished, she put her wand to her throat, said "Sonorus,"
and pronounced...

"After further review, Gandy scored his goal just after Potter
captured the Snitch. The goal is disallowed. The final score is
Harem 150, Hufflepuff 150."

That left the crowd muttering, the Hufflepuffs screaming as one, and
the Harem team forming a dogpile on the field.
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