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Disclaimer: This is the third-place, Heroism/ Stupidity Ending (the line between the two drawn entirely by success). Some of it will look familiar.

Heroic Ending

It was eleven o'clock that evening. The discussion of the tests had petered out again, with Mandy threatening to slug Hermione if she attempted to continue it; the hair advice for the evening had been dispensed, and the girls were finding comfortable positions on the communal bed. In short, the end of another evening of waiting for grades to come in.

Then Winky suddenly appeared six inches in front of Harry's face. Winky had been one of the elves delegated to guard the door on the third floor, so immediately they knew there was a problem.

"Mister Potter, sir?"

"Yes, Winky."

"Harry remembered Winky's name! He..."

"Yes, I did. What is the message?"

"The professor who smells like bad garlic went through the door, sir."

This was exactly what the Harem students had been waiting for. They promptly marched into Professor Trelawney's office.

Trelawney was quietly grading what looked like tests for her Divination students. Reviews of her class had become more positive than ever, as she was now predicting futures of wealth, peace, and lots of descendants. She was also actually able to explain all of the methods of scrying that she used; she didn't remember enough from previous years to be sure that she could, which was another sign that the drinking had to stop.

Harry said, "This is the night we've been waiting for."

Trelawney summoned Sinistra from the neighboring office, and the students and Professors started their pursuit.

**************

The students started their work by dividing into two teams. Six of the students, led by Hermione, joined Sinistra in advancing to the third floor. The other six, led by Harry, joined Trelawney in heading for the Hufflepuff Common Room.

Over the last couple of weeks, the Professors and students had reached the conclusion that Dumbledore was, at the very least, acquiescing in the theft of the Philosopher's Stone. The traps as described by the House Elves were woefully inadequate, the absence of any monitoring charms (as evidenced by the lack of changes in the traps when visited by the House Elves) was more than disturbing, and the idea that a man who had been protecting the stone for six centuries without outside assistance suddenly needed to put it at a school he had nothing to do with was suspicious beyond description. So in addition to stopping the thief, they also wanted to place Dumbledore in a situation where complete honesty about the matter would be required. The Aurors were the obvious people to contact in that case.

And fortunately, they knew how to call them in quickly.

"Wotcher, Harry. What's up?" Tonks knew that the delegation that had knocked on the door of her room was not there for a social visit.

"We are going to need the Aurors' help, Miss Tonks. We need you to contact them immediately, and then come with us," said Professor Trelawney.

"Yes, Professor. What's the emergency?" Tonks said, swiping away the various stuff on her end table to get the Corps-supplied AurorPhone.

"Well, we started to become suspicious back in March..."

**************

On the way out of Hufflepuff, the delegation ran into Professor Sprout, who asked if she could contact Professor McGonagall who had "something she has thought of that will make this situation much better." Trelawney promptly agreed, and Sprout headed off toward Gryffindor Tower.

"How are we going to get Dumbledore to meet with the Aurors?" asked Harry.

"He's about to find out that someone's been trying to steal the Stone," answered Trelawney.

"But how will he know that? We know that there weren't any monitors on the traps."

"We're going to tell him, dear boy. And then it will be up to you to... do something about him."

**************

Just after the two halves of the House Harem had rejoined at the third floor door, Professor McGonagall had arrived, still in her tartan robe and nightdress. If she had some device that would make the situation better, it wasn't immediately apparent.

"Everyone's here?" asked Professor Sprout. "Good. Let's go in."

The students and Professors did so, only to be confronted with a large, angry dog drooling from each of its three gaping mouths. It issued a series of ever-louder barks, ready to pounce.

"STUPEFY!" the fourteen witches and one wizard yelled in unison. The combined force of their spells sent the dog rocketing backward, bouncing his heads off of the low ceiling, and then back to the ground unconscious.

"Now, let's find Quirrell so that I can show you this device," McGonagall said. "I warn you this it will take all of the magic that I can use this evening."

Quirrell was suspended halfway between the trapdoor and what appeared to be the surface of a plant. He was screaming and cursing, but apparently unable to move or cast spells.

"House Elf magic is very strong, and I wish we understood more of it," said McGonagall. "However, my magic is also quite potent, as you are about to see."

With that, she reached into the pocket of her robe and removed a small hollow glass marble.

"I know this will sound silly, Professor, but what good will that do?" asked Megan Jones.

"Miss Jones, what was the first thing I taught you about Transfiguration?"

"Transfiguartion is complex and dangerous."

"Good memory, but I meant after that."

"It's always more difficult to change something into a different substance than to change its size or shape."

"Very true. Five points to Harem. This marble may look rather unimpressive, but watch."

She dropped the marble throught the trap door, and just before it landed on Quirrell's stomach, she yelled, "ENGORGIO NUX!"

The marble promptly expanded to a diameter of six feet, just large enough to engulf Quirrell. McGonagall swayed but, held upright by Trelawney and Millicent, she pointed her wand at the oversized glass ball and screamed "DEFLATIO NUX!"

With that, the marble disappeared from sight.

"It's down there, children," McGonagall said, falling heavily on her seat.

"Umm..."

"Sorry, Professors. Just go down there and get the marble. You'll see what I mean."

"But what about Dumbledore?"

"He's coming, Misses Professors and Misses and Sir," said Winky the House Elf, having just returned from her other errand.

"Well, don't just stand there, everyone. Go down there and retrieve that marble, and then we can greet our Headmaster properly."

**************

Sprout had no trouble casting a spell that calmed the Devil's Snare, allowing the children and the other two Professors to land safely on its fronds. A brief search for the Quirrell marble ensured, ended when Harry's Quidditch-trained eyes spotted the a few feet away. He picked it up and examined it closely, finding a tiny, screaming, impotent Quirrell banging away on its interior. He carefully put it in his pocket.

"I need something to wrap the marble in," called Harry.

"Use this," Susan said, handing him a handkerchief. Harry carefully wrapped the marble within it.

Meanwhile, above the trap door, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore had arrived to find Professor McGonagall panting and weak on the floor. "What could have happened, Minerva?" he asked, putting just the right amount of concern into his voice... or so he thought.

"Quirrell has gone after the Stone, Albus," she gasped. "Harry and the other Harem students have gone after him!"

"If Harry gets himself killed, I can't very well keep leading the Light side, can I?" thought Albus. But he said, "Don't worry, Minerva. You've done very well, and I shall put an end to this!"

With that, Dumbledore jumped down the trapdoor. Several feet down, he found his motion suddenly arrested- several more House Elves had come by to lend their "assistance." Dumbledore had more power than Quirrell, so instead of being stopped, he merely started to fall much more slowly, while trying to hit the Elves with various cutting spells. He managed to hurt a couple, but a replacement appeared for each one that he managed to hit.

"Quick, students! We have to freeze Dumbledore!" called Trelawney.

The girls' Stupefy and Petrificus Totalus spells brought Dumbledore's downward motion to a halt, but he was still flinging hexes around, resisting the spells' effect. Then Hermione had an idea. Her face lit up and she actually started giggling, surprising Harry, who was standing next to her.

"What did you just think of?"

"I know how to stop him for good, Harry! All you have to do is...." and she told him.

"But that took too much power for McGonagall!"

"I know you've got a fair bit of power yourself, Harry. And I don't think you'll need nearly as much."

With that, Harry moved into a clean line of sight, pointed his wand at Dumbledore's lower regions, and yelled "ENGORGIO NUX!"

From under Dumbledore's robes came the sound of an expanding balloon, and then a loud POP. Dumbledore, with a scream of agony, stopped casting spells and hung motionless.

At this point, Tonks' face, distant but recognizable by its pink hair, appeared overhead.

"Is that Dumbledore... Harry?" she yelled, having just seen Harry move into view.

"Yes. He's been attacking those House elves, and he's been trying to get the Stone."

It was mostly true, and certainly the evidence pointed that way. The Aurors stunned the already unconscious Dumbledore, pulled him up with beams from their wands, and bound him.

A little while later, they came back to pull the kids up the same way (except for the binding). The Patils wanted to do it again, but the Aurors explained that they had other places to go.

**************

The Quirrell Marble soon found a home on McGonagall's bookshelves. The irate, turbaned miniature professor continued to swim around it for a few days, getting steadily weaker, until he finally stopped moving one sunny afternoon, leaving the marble filled with a dark haze. McGonagall locked it within a thick vault in Hogwarts' basement with numerous protective spells on it, where it would hopefully lay forever.

Dumbledore was questioned by the Aurors about his activities as soon as he could regain consciousness. As it turned out, his office contained detailed records of plans to seize the Stone and frame Quirrell, the election theft, withdrawals of thousands of Galleons from Harry's and several other students' Gringotts accounts without permission to pay for his expenses, and various other offenses. He was sent to Azkaban for a long stretch, where he could mourn the loss of his burst body part in private. The Dementors made uncommonly quick work of him. Fudge was his cellmate, rather briefly; he was implicated in Dumbledore's voluminous files.

As for Harry and the girls, they were honored at the Leaving Feast and given the three hundred and seventy-three points they needed to overtake Ravenclaw for the House Cup by new Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, now good as new after her endeavors.

The day before they were to leave, Harry and the girls met Nicolas Flamel and his wife, who had come by to thank them. Harry didn't know what to expect from a 662-year-old man, but he certainly didn't expect to see a man who looked younger than the fathers of most of his wives. And Perenelle was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, tall, blonde, slim, and curvy.

"Yes, it's a good thing that you stopped Voldemort and Dumbledore," said Nicolas, with the slightest trace of a French accent. "I knew that my plan would work."

"But wasn't it risky to put the Philosopher's Stone in such danger?" asked Hermione.

"Certainly it would have been," answered Perenelle. "That is why we gave Gringott's a piece of red glass."

"Red glass?" asked Millicent, dumbfounded.

"But of course," said Nicolas. "We knew that this Voldemort was after the Stone. We knew that people would hear about it if we made it known. So we gave Gringott's a piece of red glass that matched its supposed description, convinced Dumbledore and your Professors to transfer it to Hogwarts, and staged a robbery to make certain that Voldemort knew about it. (You would not believe the amount of the bribe we had to pay the goblins. We can make gold, but it still put us through so much effort.) Dumbledore was always a target as well. We have suspected him of being anxious to steal the Stone from us for decades, since we stopped working with him. He wanted the credit and the Stone to himself. What better way to take the stone and make himself even more firmly the leader of the Light side than to stage a robbery for which Voldemort could be blamed?"

The students had suspected Dumbledore of shady dealings, but not of this. They admired the Flamels' cleverness, but they were more than slightly perturbed at having risked their lives for worthless glass.

"I will give you anything you desire to make up for the pain this little misadventure has caused you," promised Nicolas.

"We cannot thank you enough," echoed Perenelle.

As his wives started asking the Flamels for presents, Harry thought that this magical world wasn't so bad after all.

**************

Well, you were warned, weren't you? Again, this is not "AH canonical," so I won't extend it any further. Anyone else may if they credit me.