FicWad

Whoever said you don't know what you've got until it's gone was so right it isn't funny.

Had we lost Bobby, of course John and I would've fallen out. He was the one who was officially my boyfriend, and officially John's best friend. I wonder what would've happen if they'd lost me. By logic they should be able to remain friends with no trouble. After all, they were friends long before I came along.

Of course, they weren't playing sexual games with each other back then.

I don't know how it started. Maybe it was when he joined in the hand games we were always playing. Maybe it was when he got more aggressive. Or maybe it was when he wandered into the dormitory one day when everyone else was out and discovered me and Bobby playing a slightly more adult game, which more or less consisted of us touching ourselves and watching each other. One would assume we'd yell at him to get out, but we didn't. I don't remember which of us invited him to sit down and enjoy the show anymore, but he did. Or maybe it was on another day, when he joined in.

I know I still spook a couple of my classmates, and I didn't want any more stares. So we didn't tell anybody. But whenever we had a pair of locked doors and some time, we were at it. With so many things being dangerous, nothing that wasn't was off-limits. Bobby lied outright when he told you that we were "working on it." We'd long figured out the use of sheets and gloves. Another reason we didn't tell anyone was because Bobby, at least, was embarrassed to admit that we'd gotten our kicks by his fucking John while I watched, and in return, he got to fuck me through the sheet after Bobby did. There was no question about us being too young. If we were at the make-out age, then we had to make up for the fact that I couldn't make out with anyone.

I don't know why it happened the way it did. I have both Bobby and John's memories, and I still can't figure it out. But I do know that John felt too much like a third wheel. We tried to include him as much as we could, but nothing we could do could change the fact that Bobby and I were the boyfriend and girlfriend, and he was just the friend-with-benefits. And John grows resentful very easily. I think we might have helped drive him to Magneto.

Bobby thought that too. And we blamed ourselves. Too much. And then we blamed each other. And we discovered that we'd grown dependent on him, somehow, and we missed him too much. It was over within two weeks. We aren't even friends anymore.

He and John are still in my head, and that's a different matter. But now David's memories are faded, and I can only sense him as a vague presence in the back of my mind. Feeling him is like feeling my clothes on my skin; I have to concentrate. I got about as much of him as I got of Bobby and John, so in time they'll fade too.

But I'm not too sure about you and Erik. Magneto had to do more then just give me his power. If he'd just done that, I would have just stopped the machine. He had to force his mentality on me, make me believe what I was doing was right, and make me willing to sacrifice myself to accomplish it. For nearly two minutes, I even believed I was him.

He was able to control my power, oddly enough, so he didn't go comatose. I'm not sure how he did it, but I think I might be able to do it, if just to touch people for a second or so. I think I did it when I kissed Bobby, and even touched Pyro on the porch, though my control was limited.

You, meanwhile, touched me twice. The first I think would have been enough for the memories to fade in time, but the second time I nearly sucked you dry. You've been the most powerful presence in my head.

Your and his powers are long gone, but I can hear both you and Erik in my head very clearly, and you've shown no sign whatsoever of fading. I think I may have you both in my head for the rest of my life.

I don't like having Erik in my head. I am loyal to the Professor. Magneto's attempt to kill me sealed what would have probably been my fate anyway. But he tried to turn me for a long time. I think he's finally given up, but he still eats at my faith and hope about the future, makes me confused and conflicted. And I've lost count of the number of times I've woken up from his nightmares, or had something provoke one of his memories which left me, lackness his hardness to them, wanting to run to the dorm and hide under the bed.

Yet I'd be willing to put up with it permenantly, if it meant I could always keep you in my head. Sure there are downside to that too, from the urge for nicotine to the frustration I experience when being taught by Mr. Summers, and seeing all my classmates admire him so. They admire you, too, of course, except you're not around as often for them to. Though you've stayed so far, so that's changing.

But that's worth it for when I get depressed, and all I have to do is look in the mirror, and I feel a helpless fondness for myself, and you tell me I'm being stupid for being depressed. That doesn't really describe it properly, but it's the best feeling I've ever had. I probably would give up my powers if I had the chance, but I'm still glad they gave me the chance to have someone who cares for me, possibly loves me even, always there for me, even when he's far away.

Isn't it odd how I call Erik Erik? Its like he's two people. When he's trying to kill me and taunting me about my hair, he's Magneto. But in my head, he's Erik. They really are two different people now, as Erik hasn't experienced whatever happened with Magneto in the plastic prison. I haven't forgiven either of them, but Erik at least I can understand.

It's the same with everyone else. I seem to be the only person here with only one name, because noone has called me Marie since I was 11, except my parents, and they're pretty much out of my life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to speak to Bobby again, but I know when the time comes, Iceman and I will be able to work together fine. With John and Pyro, I seperate them so I can think fondly of the former whatever happens. I hate Pyro because he took John from me.

There's Cyclops and Storm, whom I look up to but don't know very well. And I don't know Scott Summers or Ororo Monroe at all. With Dr. Grey it was bit more complicated, because you thought of her as Jean, and had a very different view of her then I did, but that was somehow easy to ignore. I don't know how, but after a few days when I stopped hitting on her, I always thought of her as Dr. Grey, even when I every occasionally still got hot for her. It was as if I was two different people looking at her, rather then one person looking at two different people.

And with the Professor it's even more complicated. It's odd that that's what everyone calls him, including me, as Rogue, and all the voices in my head except Erik's. Not even Professor Xavier, as would make more sense. After all, he's not the only professor around. But in a way, he is The Professor, the one who guides us more then anyone else does. The heart of his school, and probably its brain too.

And most of the time that's how I see him. Bobby's in complete agreement. John's resentful, of course, but after dealing with Erik, anger and resentment are very easy for me to beat down. And the copy of you in my head, at least, has developed a certain respect for him.

But sometimes, after class ends and I'm leaving, and I happen to glance back, I see him leaning over his desk, or gazing out the window, and suddenly I stop seeing the Professor, and I see Charles. And when he looks tired, which he always has since Alkali Base, I feel this powerful sadness and longing come over me, too powerful to beat down.

It's not mine, of course. It belongs to a man that I think has stopped noticing it. But it can take little inexperienced me over so completely, just like Magneto's resolve did on the Statue of Liberty, that unlike your lusting after Jean, it might as well be mine. In those moments, I fall in love with a man who I view otherwise as nothing but a grandfather. I fall back out after it passes, but it's still disturbing.

And then there's you. Logan. And Wolverine.

I guess another reason I lost John and Bobby is such quick sucession was you. They both knew you were a threat from the time they started getting intimate with me. Maybe they both knew, deeper down then I absorbed, that as long as you were around somewhere, they couldn't keep a hold of me forever. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't mention you, or play with your dogtags, often without thinking about it. It wasn't until I kissed Bobby that I discovered this, or how much it effected him. He wouldn't have pushed me to kiss him before your return. His insistence on kissing me seems now like a desperate measure to me. John was too jealous of Bobby and me to pay much attention to you, but once you were actually present, even he had to adknowledge that at least Bobby and I were willing to share, and you were a person that would have me in an instant if you wanted me, and wouldn't share.

The first day we got back, Bobby kept asking if I knew when you were going. When I said I thought you might stay, he replied disdainfully that there was no reason for you to, with Dr. Grey dead. That got me so incredibly mad, it proved the first of many devestating snarling matches before we called it quits. All in all, you, Logan, mean a lot more to me then Bobby or John ever did.

And then there's Wolverine. The animal. Over the last couple of days I've overheard Bobby complaining that my head was turned and I was blind to the beast I was crushing on. Even with his aggravating teenage insecurity, he really should know better. I tell you, I was very tempted to demonstrate just how much animal aggression that's flowing through me thanks to you. I know very well you're an animal. I knew every time I looked at those dogtags. All it does is give me a thrill.

And another thing about you being in my head. You're one presence, as both Logan and Wolverine. I could call you two people, but while I instinctively see two people with everyone else, even when I don't know the second person, with you, it's one person, me, looking at one person, you. From slightly different angles sometimes, but still one person.

One man that I think I love.