FicWad

I rolled over pressing into your body. Feeling your warmth radiate from your body, the rise and fall of your chest, the soft beating of your heart, and I felt safe. Held in your embrace I knew this was right. You were my one constant, the steadying hand in my time of chaos. Lightly tracing your chest I smiled. The crazy world around us fell away, leaving just you and me.

Stuck in my thoughts I didn't notice when you woke up. It wasn't until I felt the light rumbling from your chest as I brushed my fingers over a ticklish spot. Looking up into your blue eyes I smiled.

"Mornin'," you say.

"Mornin'."

"Up early aren't you?"

Still tracing I say "yeah," then with a smirk I said "what do you propose we do?"

"Well," you say smiling. "It's really up to you."

Beaming I reply, "you sure you should leave it up to me?"

And then you had this funny look on your face, but it disappeared. "Actually, I have to go to the bathroom," you said excusing yourself from the bed.

And just like that you were gone, and I was left, laying there, all alone.
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Had I heard that right? Had he really said that?

Splashing water on my face, I replayed what he had said in my head. 'You sure you should leave it up to me?' Drying my face and looking in the mirror I shook my head in disbelief.

Why did he say that? Why would Joe fuckin' Perry say that? Why would "Mr.Style" go and say something that was so...Joey?

Joey. How was he? I'd stopped thinking about him unless it was band related. I had mad myself a promis that I wouldn't let my past affect my new relationship with Joe.

Exhaling I shook my head, guess that hadn't worked out too well. Here I was, my life in a better place than it had been in years, adn what for? Just that one sentence, adn I was thinking about the past. These past six months with Joe I thought was my turning point, but now all I could do was think about what I had with Joey.

'Get a grip Tom!' I counsoled myself. 'Joe's the best thing in your life right now, and he doesn't deserve this,' I thought ruefully opening the bathroom door with my head cast down. Looking up, back at the bed, my heart fell.

The sheets were tossed haphazardously and the bed lay empty.

"He doesn't deserve this," I whispered to myself.
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I stood by the window downstairs in the hous I'd rented. My arms crossed over my chest I stood watching the sun rise. Pushing a strand of hair out of my face I went over what had happened.

Had I done something wrong? That look he'd given me, I thought shaking my head, what had I done?

Pulling out a pack of cigarettes I took one out and lit it, staring back out at the sunrise.

that look, and then how he just wanted to get away from me. what went wrong? And that's when I noticed I was in a familiar position, well at least partly. Standing here looking out the window as the sun rose I couldn't help remembering how things used to be.

Before Tom, when it was me and Steven. How I'd wake to see Steven sitting out on the balcolny watching the sunrise. How'd I come up behind him and be greeted with a smile. Hoe he'd lean into mea nd I'd just hold him as we watched the sun come up.

Hearing the stairs squeek, making Tom's precence known to me, I snapped out of my thoughts. Keeping my back turned from you I waited for what you had to say.

"Hey you hungry?" you ask walking to the kitchen.

"We're out of skim milk," I mumbled reaching across the table to crush out my cigarette.

"We're out of skim milk," you say walking to the living room. "Do you wanna come with me to go get some?" you ask.

That's when I actually turn to look at you. "no," I say. "I've got to shower," I lie.

And for a second you look sad, then stepping forward you kiss my forehead and say "I'll be back in a little bit."

"ok," I mumble as you turn to walk ou the door.

I watch as you drive away before I walk to the bathroom to wash my face. As I towel dried my face I walked back to the living room picking up the phone my fingers quickly went to dial an all too familiar number, but then stopped.

Shaking my head I put the phone back down on the receiver.

'He doesn't deserve this,' I thought.

So I sat on the couch, thinking, and waiting for you to return.
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'He didn't even want to talk to me' I thought as I drove down the street.

What have I done? I've just ruined the best thing in my life. and what for?

Thoughts of the past? Because that's really all I would be able to get. Joey was with Steven, and there was no way he'd want to end that to start up what we had.

So I was stuck,wanting the unattainable. Left with memories of what used to be, adn an empty promise of what might, but would probably never be.

Still that didn't mean I couldn't think of what we had. Right? That didn't stop me from think of you though.

Then the of Joe at home alone came to me. I shook my head, I shouldn't be thinking of Joey. It wasn't fair for Joe.

But its not like I'm the only one with a past. All of us in the band had known about Steven adn Joe.

Ever since the begining, it'd been those two. Then with the band break up, they'd called things off. Now though, the band was together again and neither had taken a step to reconciling.

But I mean with a history like that between them it wouldn't be crazy to think that Joe still thought about Steven. So why can't I think about Joey? I thought, convincing myself that these memories I was allowing myself were ok.

Turning off the car I sat in thought with my han still holding the key in the ignition.

While trying to validat my think, I had an epiphany.

It wasn't fair to Joe. That had been my biggest concern, but if you didn't know how would you be hurt?

Bass and drums have to work together tight, so I could get away with pulling extra practices with Joey and still keep a steady relationship with Joe. I was set, I would be able to bake my cake and eat it too!

Stepping out I smiled. This would be my secret, Joe would never have to know.
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He was trying to cover something up, I was sure of it. I mean that look and how weird you'd acted only to come down and try to make breakfast to make up for whatever you felt bad about.

Throwing myself on the couch I had yet to move since I decided not to call Steven.

At first I'd told myself I was calling him simply to vent out about how weird you were acting. But as I grabbed the phone I realized I was only calling to talk with you. Talk like how we used to, back when there was an us. And that wasn't fair to Tom.

Besides you were with Joey now. And if I went and called you to unload and slipped and talked about the past, it wouldn't be fair to you either. It'd become awkward on many levels. For one, Tom would feel hurt if he knew I was talking with you. And then if Joey knew what I'd said I'd ruin your relationship, and if you didn't feel the same way, I'd be left alone. It wasn't worth it.

Well was it? I knew Tom had at one time been with Joey. Judging by how he'd reacted this morning, he was obviously still thinking about him. So what would he seriously care if I occasionally called Steven?

On second hand, how would you know if I decided to patch things up? and if you didn't know you wouldn't be hurt.

How could you be? It'd be my secret. You wouldn't have to know. I would be able to be with Steven and still come home and know you'd be there. Completely unknowing to my secret double life.
It would be my secret. adn as long as you didn't know and couldn't get hurt, I would be happy.

So as I picked up the phone and dialed Steven's number I knew that everything was good. I would have my secret, adn you would never know.