Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Everyone shakes to the beat with a barrel down their throats.
Chapter Five: We're going down, down in an earlier round.
6 reviewsIt's just what too much of a good thing will do to you. But if we're enjoying it, we'll stay in denial.
0Unrated
WARNING[//]DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE, SWEARING
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Chapter Five
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When Gerard woke the next morning, he didn't really feel like moving. He felt horrible, worse than he had felt in a very long time and he swore to himself that he would never drink again, it wasn't worth it, not for this amount of pain.
Empty promises, he knew that was all it was, but it didn't stop his mind from swearing it over and over again. When he heard voices, a heated argument tone about them, he kept his eyes tightly shut and kept down the urge to run to the bathroom and relieve that sickly feeling in his gut. It was too important that he heard what was being said, especially when he had just heard his name.
"How much did he drink?" It was Ray, and he sounded kind of surprised, Gerard hated tuning into a conversation half way through.
"I dunno exactly, I wasn't keeping a tally," Frank shot back, it was clear he was slightly irritated, they had obviously been questioning him for quite some time for him to sound this frustrated. "You know Gerard, there's no pacing himself. He's not drunk until he's throwing up and passed out."
"But you said you were going there to keep an eye on him," Mikey intervened. He sounded stunned, not angry, just a little shocked perhaps that Frank had not kept his promise.
Gerard couldn't believe it himself, Frank had actually been partying with him, he felt a tinge of happiness still at the good time they had been having last night. Just something about the whole thing had made Gerard feel truly happy, as though he had something back that had been missing for a very long time.
"I did!" Frank said, his voice rising now, but when he continued it was much lower again. "I just thought it was important that he knew we could all still have fun together, you know, like we used to. He’s seemed a bit out of it these past few days and well, last night he was happy, really he was. I only turned my back for a second and when I finally found him again he was all tripping out."
"Drugs you think?" this time it was the distinguishable deep voice of Bob that had spoken. It was amazing how Bob had been at the party the entire night and yet it sounded as though he was just as absent from it all as Mikey and Ray.
"I dunno," Frank replied and even Gerard could tell that he was lying; he just had that tone about him. The others knew him just as well as he did, they would see right through his words. He wasn't a good liar.
"Come on Frank, I'm not stupid ... what did he take?" Mikey sounded frustrated. He clearly didn't want to play these games with Frank, he wanted the truth. Gerard felt his heart beat increase and he wished he could find the strength to just jump up and distract them all so that Frank wouldn't be able to tell Mikey that he was onto the cocaine again. Still, he would find out eventually, he always did.
"Bert and his friend were doing cocaine and taking pills ... but I didn't see Gerard do anything ... he was just talking shit, that was all. It was probably just from the alcohol." Gerard wasn't sure if Frank was trying to convince Mikey it had been nothing or trying to convince himself, either way, there was an air of doubt in his voice.
"Pills? What kind of pills?" This time it was Ray’s turn to sound surprised.
"Who knows ... ecstasy maybe, I don't know for sure."
"Did he take any?" Mikey again, he sounded outraged.
"I said I don't know Mikey! Look I'm just as upset about this as you are okay, but I don't know, like I said I didn't see him take anything, it was just the state I found him in and -" Frank sounded like he had stopped himself from going any further, but Gerard knew what he had been going to say.
"And?" Ray pushed, picking up on what Mikey probably failed to notice. As much as Gerard loved his brother, he often missed the underlining message in the things people said or had been about to say.
"Nothing," Frank said rather unconvincingly.
"Oh come on," Bob again, sounding as though he had been so wrapped up in the story he had forgotten to speak, apart from now when he needed to know a vital detail.
That was Bob, always so interested in even the most boring stories and craving to know every single little detail. He was always disappointed when one of the band told him a story because they would always miss out the finer points and no matter how well they told the story if they didn't know the finer details, they would disappoint Bob's eager mind.
"I saw him pull out a bag of cocaine from his pocket the other day. That's it okay, I dunno if he even took any of that either, like I said, that's all I saw." Frank sounded thoroughly harassed now and he was making it quite clear that he didn't want to be asked anything else. He heard Ray swear loudly whilst Mikey remained strangely silent.
Gerard now felt that Frank had been interrogated enough. He was still so grateful for everything his friend had done that he didn't for a minute stop to think that it was probably better if he just lay there and play dead for a little while longer. Instead, to rescue his friend, he groaned loudly and opened up his eyes. It was painful, even though there was hardly any sun; the slight glare caused his brain to scream at him to shut his eyes again.
"Hey Gee," someone said, he wasn't sure who because everyone was looking at him all at once. They were huddled on the floor and he couldn't believe that they could be so stupid as to think he hadn't heard the conversation they had been having.
Slowly, he sat up and tested how he truly felt. His head spun and pounded as though there was something inside trying to get out. He groaned loudly and clasped at it with shaky hands.
"Feel like shit?" Frank asked. He didn't bother asking how he felt, it was clear that he was feeling bad.
"Uh-huh," Gerard nodded moaning again as he knew he was going to be spending the morning in the toilet. Sure enough, that was exactly the next place he ran for. The moment his stomach gave a hefty groan and he felt that horrible sensation in his throat, he tossed his blanket off and collapsed on the bathroom floor where his body heaved and released whatever was left in his stomach into the toilet.
He groaned loudly as he gagged again. It felt strange to be back here again, this used to be something he did all the time, spewing in the toilet. But this was the first time he had managed three days in a row in so many years and it was like he remembered exactly what to do. Getting himself comfortable, he prepared himself for a long morning hugging the toilet bowl.
There was more hushed conversation outside and Gerard didn't even bother trying to listen this time round, he knew he would only miss half of it when his body failed to keep the contents of his stomach down once again. So all he could really do was moan and groan on the floor, trying to keep his fringe out of his tired eyes. They had a show that afternoon and he was beginning to wonder if he would ever make it. It was only a few songs and they were all ones he knew well, it would just have to be another fairly mediocre performance.
Someone walked into the bathroom then, as he had his burning, thumping forehead resting on the coolness of the toilet bowl, hoping to sooth it somehow. "Here Gee," Frank said as he bent down and held out a glass of water. Gerard took it and downed the contents greedily as his throat seemed to crave the cool sensation.
"Thanks Franky," Gerard mumbled, hoping that the use of his pet name would make Frank realise he meant for taking care of him last night as well. But all that left his mind as the water didn't seem to sit too well in his gut and he threw up into the toilet bowl again. "Fuck this shit."
Frank laughed but it was a sad kind of laugh and Gerard had to admit he felt a little sorry for him, he hoped Mikey hadn't drilled him to much that morning. Gerard reached out and patted Frank's knee as a sign of some sort of thanks. It was a bit pathetic, but he didn't trust himself to speak just yet.
"So you're officially drinking again then?" It was Mikey; he had arrived at the bathroom door where Frank and Gerard were camped out. He wasn't angry, being the older brother, Gerard had never really copped anything like that from Mikey, he merely seemed upset and seemed to be genuinely asking him as though it was vital he knew the answer.
Gerard chose not to say anything, he didn't trust himself to speak as his body heaved again and he dry-retched into the toilet. Frank rubbed his back comfortingly as Mikey stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest looking as though he would like to do nothing better than to yell at Gerard and tell him he was never allowed to be this sick again. Mikey knew it would be lost words though, Gerard had never, in his whole life done anything anyone had told him to do. If he decided to do something, it would only be because he wanted to or because he thought it was for the best.
"Cause you know, I think it's quite obvious that it still doesn't work for you," Mikey continued as he pointed dramatically at the toilet.
"Let it go Mikey," was all Gerard could say and he immediately regretted it. How could his brother let it go? He had only said it because he cared for him, but still, Gerard hated hearing it. He was enjoying the partying and the drinking again, it was just unfortunate that with that came the hang over and the sickness the next day.
"Fine ... I'll see you on stage." Before Gerard could say anything further, Mikey stormed off. He heard Ray try and say something to him, but Mikey just mumbled something and then he must have headed out because he heard the distinct noise of someone hitting the gravel outside as they walked off.
"You should cut him some slack man, he's your brother, he worries about you," Frank said quietly from Gerard's side. Now his friend was going to start on him to, he really wasn't in the mood for it this morning. "Just tell me one thing ... are you doing coke again?"
Gerard sighed and shook his head as anger boiled up inside of him. What did it matter? Why did they care? Why did they always have to be like this, so serious and grave about something everyone was doing? He didn't want to have to explain himself to them, he didn't have to. What he did in his spare time was his business, not there’s. He gave up being told what to do a long time ago.
"I'm not doing anything again ... I'm just trying to enjoy myself. I think I deserve to let loose and have a bit of fun every now and then," Gerard responded impatiently as he breathed in deep realising he felt a little better and his stomach seemed to be calming itself down.
Frank looked away from him and towards the door, clearly trying to decide whether he should do a runner as well. When Gerard didn't say anything further Frank did get up and leave the room. Wow, pissing off two people in one morning ... he was on a roll today. Feeling frustrated now that he was sitting alone and was making a mess of his day, he stood up and struggled towards the sink. He washed his face and actually made the effort to brush his teeth. It felt good having them clean again and that horrible taste was strangely absent now.
"I'm going out," Gerard announced to Ray and Bob as he wrestled his shoes on his feet with shaking hands.
"Out where?" Bob asked. It wasn't like Bob to question anyone or check up on people, but he had never been there and seen just how bad Gerard was when he drank last time, he had merely heard about it. He joined the band around the same time Gerard had quit. Therefore, Gerard really had no idea how the larger man would deal with situations such as these. It was clear he was merely checking up on him for the sake of the band, so that he would have something to tell Mikey if he came back.
"Just out ... I’ll see you in an hour before stage so we can get ready." With that he quickly exited the bus and walked off along the path behind the tour buses so as to avoid any fans that might be lingering at the fence. It was hours until he was due on stage and he had no idea what he was going to do until then. Walk around aimlessly trying to shake off some of the guilt he felt for bullying his brother? That didn't really seem like much fun, would give him too much time to think.
It was odd, the only place he could think of where he felt safe, where he felt good, where he knew all would be forgotten, was Bert's bus. Still, if he went there now, he would drink again, wouldn't he? Did he really want to? He still felt like he had been hosting a five year olds party where one hundred friends the same age had turned up and there was free red-drink. Tired, head pounding, angry and frustrated. So that was probably why he did head straight for Bert's, at least he liked to think so. Simply hang out with a friend who would take that guilt from his mind ... that was all, it wasn’t like he was going there just to drink again, he wouldn’t let himself be addicted like last time, no way. He didn’t need it! He never had.
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"I think they knew I was drunk on stage," Gerard laughed as his head sunk lower against the wall.
"No! Don't be silly ... any sober person would have tripped over their microphone cord and forgotten half their own lyrics," Bert said sarcastically as he poured Gerard another shot.
Gerard didn't like being reminded of how silly he must have looked, especially when he was this drunk, it would just make him miserable. Sure enough, the memory of his terrible stage performance and disappointed faces of his band mates flickered into his head and he downed the shot quickly and put his glass out, ready for another one.
"I'm a fucking screw up," he slurred as he downed the next shot just as quickly but gagged slightly at the taste. "Man that shit is strong."
Yagemeister. Bert really knew how to get stuck into all the good drinks and the right time to get stuck into them. When Gerard had arrived looking moody that morning, they had merely been drinking beer to cheer him up. He hadn't taken anything, no cocaine, not even a joint; he wasn't going to be messed up for stage. However, his emotions were running a little high and he had obviously gone a little over board with the drinks. The Used and My Chemical Romance made it on stage that night, but their performances were just awful. It's not like the fans really cared, they still cheered and clapped and they simply laughed as Gerard covered up his forgotten lyrics with new ones as he stumbled around the stage. His band mates hadn't found it quite as funny.
That was when he had decided it would be best to retreat back to Bert's bus rather than stick around and face the ‘band meeting’ he knew would be called. There was the promise of more alcohol at Bert’s and, disappointed at himself and knowing everyone else was to, he had got straight back into it quite eagerly.
"Don't you turn all emotional on us and shit ... just remember, I passed out on stage once. You're not that bad yet," Bert said with a smile and a reassuring kiss on Gerard's chin. He had a sneaking suspicion he had tried to reach his cheek, but as they were both lying on the floor, he hadn't really reached high enough at all.
"But Mikey and Frank are so mad ..." he whined, accepting another shot and downing that as well. "I'd better go apologise."
Bert started laughing, then when he realised Gerard was serious he stopped. "Seriously? Well, if it will make you stop winging like a little girl."Gerard pushed him away angrily. He wasn't a little girl! "Alright, I was fucking joking. Just make sure you come back here afterwards, we still got the rest of this to drink," he announced, waving the half empty bottle of Yagemeister around.
Promising he would be back, he struggled to get to his numb feet. When he finally did, he took with him the bottle of Jim Beam he had been sipping earlier, before they had started on the shots. Man, they had drunk a lot today, it was no wonder he felt a bit off.
Stumbling out the tour bus' door he headed back along that familiar path that would lead him to his own band. He hoped they wouldn't be to mad, he really just wanted to ease his burden and get the hell out of there. He sipped his Jim Beam bottle nervously, but returned the lid quite quickly when he realised that he had probably had enough and that it didn’t mix too well with Yagemeister.
It was his bus as well, so he didn't knock, he just pushed the door open and walked on in. Mikey, Frank, Bob and Ray were all sitting on the floor playing Uno, it was the only card game they really played anymore. The trick was to play it with money, so you could have different bets each game, it was more interesting that way and it was always surprising how addictive it could be.
Gerard couldn't explain it, but it made him angry to see them all laughing amongst themselves, especially without him. Now he was confused, he was jealous that his band was hanging out without him ... but really, he only had himself to blame. He left the band to hang out with Bert nearly every night, for no other reason than that he was bored. Did he really have the right to be jealous that they were having fun without him? What did he expect them to do? Sit around twiddling their thumbs waiting for him to come back?
"Actually decided to join us tonight then?" Mikey said very bitterly. He was mad! Mikey was actually mad. He crossed his arms over his chest and he was looking at Gerard with no more disappointment, he was just pissed off.
Naturally, this only made Gerard madder. His little brother had no right to be mad, had no right to look at him like that. He was the one sitting around having fun with the band whilst Gerard had to hide with Bert and drink his sorrows away.
"I just came here to say something to you all," he slurred as he swayed slightly on the spot.
"I don't wanna hear it if your drunk Gee. In fact, I don't even wanna talk to you at all anymore, not if you're going to be like this." Mikey stood up, threw his cards down and walked towards his bunk.
A childish attempt to get away from Gerard and show he was mad, sit in his bed with a flimsy little curtain between them. For some reason it reminded Gerard of when they were little and Mikey would put up a little pillow fought between them when he got mad at him. Pathetic, but it still stung Gerard, he hadn't liked it back then when his baby brother blocked him out and he didn't like it now.
"What's your problem?" Gerard shouted, waving his bottle around in frustration ... he really wanted a sip of it now, but he refrained knowing it wouldn’t look real good, he was definitely drunk enough.
"My problem, Gerard, is that you were sick this morning from whatever crap you were taking last night, then you just walk off and do it all again, show up late and drunk for a performance and then disappear again only to come back even more messed up! Last time you were unhappy you know, I got it, but you're thirty years old now ... Grow up!"
Gerard stared at his brother in shock. He couldn't believe that Mikey Way, his younger, quieter brother who often couldn't even get a sentence out that made any kind of sense, was telling him very clearly to grow up. Never had he said that to him before, Mikey had always looked up to him, and now he was telling him to grow up! No one liked hearing that from their younger sibling and Gerard knew that at this very moment, he hated hearing it.
"Didn't I tell you this morning to let it go? It's none of your business!" Gerard said angrily as he kicked the nearest bunk. Frank, Bob and Ray were all on their feet now as well, watching the two of them nervously. The rage only bubbled up inside him, they were all on Mikey’s side, he could see it in their eyes. He hated being ganged up on like this.
"None of my business? You're my fucking brother Gerard! I don't want you to end up like you were last time. You were sick all the time, you were moody and depressed and the last time ... you remember that last time? You tried to kill yourself! If you wanna end up like that again then fine, but you have a job to do and when you can't even do that ... well its sad Gerard ... you're just sad! You're only doing this because everyone else is, that's your only excuse. I felt sorry for you last time, this time; I'm embarrassed to even have you as a brother after the performance you gave on stage!"
Gerard felt an anger burn inside him that he had never felt before. He couldn't explain it, but he hated it, especially considering it was directed at his little brother. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Frank nodding his head ... as though he was agreeing with everything Mikey was saying. Not wanting to get angry at his brother simply because he found he couldn’t, Gerard turned to take it out on his friend instead.
"You think he's right do you Frank? Well then why don't you speak up and say something to me? You're just rocking up and partying with me then say you're really just keeping an eye on me. I don't need you to take care of me ... I don't need any of you, I'm just trying to live a little, maybe you should do the same." Frank was looking at him a little confused, maybe as to why he had suddenly turned his anger onto him.
"Look Gee, I'm just agreeing with Mikey that it wasn't fun last time, watching you like that. Do you really want to be back there again? You're going backwards, it happens it does, but you just seem to be doing it a bit too fast. I don't think you've really given yourself a chance to sober up at all after the past few days. Isn't this all looking strangely familiar to you?" Frank said, trying to remain calm, probably for the sake of everyone. Mikey seemed to have cooled down as well, especially after someone else could now take over for him.
"You know what ... fuck you all then. I don't have to stand here and have you all ganged up on me. Drinking is the only thing I can do to make everything else just go away, just cause you all have your happy little lives and -"
"You see! This is exactly what I'm talking about!" Mikey butted in, waving his arms around as though proving his point. It was then that Gerard realised he was crying. He didn't even remember starting, probably because he was so drunk, but he was, he didn't like being confronted like this, he just wanted everyone to act normal, to not have a problem with the way he chose to live his life.
"See Gee, it's only going to fuck you up again," Frank threw in, stepping closer to him now that he was crying. Gerard didn't want his pity and he stepped away from Frank as though he was someone coming to attack him.
"Leave me alone ... you can find yourself another brother Mikey and you can all find yourselves another singer, I'm sick of this shit," he yelled, taking out all his frustration on his eyes as he rubbed at the tears furiously. When he realised they wouldn't stop he knew he had to get out of there. Turning around, he quickly headed for the door.
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AN: Sorry for the late update, hope people are still reading and hope you are still finding it entertaining enough. The next chapter is the darker chapter, but hey I think you're all ready enough, lol.
Love to hear from you all and see what you think so far, hope it's living up to expectations. Thanks for reading, plenty more to come.
xxPadfootxx
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Chapter Five
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When Gerard woke the next morning, he didn't really feel like moving. He felt horrible, worse than he had felt in a very long time and he swore to himself that he would never drink again, it wasn't worth it, not for this amount of pain.
Empty promises, he knew that was all it was, but it didn't stop his mind from swearing it over and over again. When he heard voices, a heated argument tone about them, he kept his eyes tightly shut and kept down the urge to run to the bathroom and relieve that sickly feeling in his gut. It was too important that he heard what was being said, especially when he had just heard his name.
"How much did he drink?" It was Ray, and he sounded kind of surprised, Gerard hated tuning into a conversation half way through.
"I dunno exactly, I wasn't keeping a tally," Frank shot back, it was clear he was slightly irritated, they had obviously been questioning him for quite some time for him to sound this frustrated. "You know Gerard, there's no pacing himself. He's not drunk until he's throwing up and passed out."
"But you said you were going there to keep an eye on him," Mikey intervened. He sounded stunned, not angry, just a little shocked perhaps that Frank had not kept his promise.
Gerard couldn't believe it himself, Frank had actually been partying with him, he felt a tinge of happiness still at the good time they had been having last night. Just something about the whole thing had made Gerard feel truly happy, as though he had something back that had been missing for a very long time.
"I did!" Frank said, his voice rising now, but when he continued it was much lower again. "I just thought it was important that he knew we could all still have fun together, you know, like we used to. He’s seemed a bit out of it these past few days and well, last night he was happy, really he was. I only turned my back for a second and when I finally found him again he was all tripping out."
"Drugs you think?" this time it was the distinguishable deep voice of Bob that had spoken. It was amazing how Bob had been at the party the entire night and yet it sounded as though he was just as absent from it all as Mikey and Ray.
"I dunno," Frank replied and even Gerard could tell that he was lying; he just had that tone about him. The others knew him just as well as he did, they would see right through his words. He wasn't a good liar.
"Come on Frank, I'm not stupid ... what did he take?" Mikey sounded frustrated. He clearly didn't want to play these games with Frank, he wanted the truth. Gerard felt his heart beat increase and he wished he could find the strength to just jump up and distract them all so that Frank wouldn't be able to tell Mikey that he was onto the cocaine again. Still, he would find out eventually, he always did.
"Bert and his friend were doing cocaine and taking pills ... but I didn't see Gerard do anything ... he was just talking shit, that was all. It was probably just from the alcohol." Gerard wasn't sure if Frank was trying to convince Mikey it had been nothing or trying to convince himself, either way, there was an air of doubt in his voice.
"Pills? What kind of pills?" This time it was Ray’s turn to sound surprised.
"Who knows ... ecstasy maybe, I don't know for sure."
"Did he take any?" Mikey again, he sounded outraged.
"I said I don't know Mikey! Look I'm just as upset about this as you are okay, but I don't know, like I said I didn't see him take anything, it was just the state I found him in and -" Frank sounded like he had stopped himself from going any further, but Gerard knew what he had been going to say.
"And?" Ray pushed, picking up on what Mikey probably failed to notice. As much as Gerard loved his brother, he often missed the underlining message in the things people said or had been about to say.
"Nothing," Frank said rather unconvincingly.
"Oh come on," Bob again, sounding as though he had been so wrapped up in the story he had forgotten to speak, apart from now when he needed to know a vital detail.
That was Bob, always so interested in even the most boring stories and craving to know every single little detail. He was always disappointed when one of the band told him a story because they would always miss out the finer points and no matter how well they told the story if they didn't know the finer details, they would disappoint Bob's eager mind.
"I saw him pull out a bag of cocaine from his pocket the other day. That's it okay, I dunno if he even took any of that either, like I said, that's all I saw." Frank sounded thoroughly harassed now and he was making it quite clear that he didn't want to be asked anything else. He heard Ray swear loudly whilst Mikey remained strangely silent.
Gerard now felt that Frank had been interrogated enough. He was still so grateful for everything his friend had done that he didn't for a minute stop to think that it was probably better if he just lay there and play dead for a little while longer. Instead, to rescue his friend, he groaned loudly and opened up his eyes. It was painful, even though there was hardly any sun; the slight glare caused his brain to scream at him to shut his eyes again.
"Hey Gee," someone said, he wasn't sure who because everyone was looking at him all at once. They were huddled on the floor and he couldn't believe that they could be so stupid as to think he hadn't heard the conversation they had been having.
Slowly, he sat up and tested how he truly felt. His head spun and pounded as though there was something inside trying to get out. He groaned loudly and clasped at it with shaky hands.
"Feel like shit?" Frank asked. He didn't bother asking how he felt, it was clear that he was feeling bad.
"Uh-huh," Gerard nodded moaning again as he knew he was going to be spending the morning in the toilet. Sure enough, that was exactly the next place he ran for. The moment his stomach gave a hefty groan and he felt that horrible sensation in his throat, he tossed his blanket off and collapsed on the bathroom floor where his body heaved and released whatever was left in his stomach into the toilet.
He groaned loudly as he gagged again. It felt strange to be back here again, this used to be something he did all the time, spewing in the toilet. But this was the first time he had managed three days in a row in so many years and it was like he remembered exactly what to do. Getting himself comfortable, he prepared himself for a long morning hugging the toilet bowl.
There was more hushed conversation outside and Gerard didn't even bother trying to listen this time round, he knew he would only miss half of it when his body failed to keep the contents of his stomach down once again. So all he could really do was moan and groan on the floor, trying to keep his fringe out of his tired eyes. They had a show that afternoon and he was beginning to wonder if he would ever make it. It was only a few songs and they were all ones he knew well, it would just have to be another fairly mediocre performance.
Someone walked into the bathroom then, as he had his burning, thumping forehead resting on the coolness of the toilet bowl, hoping to sooth it somehow. "Here Gee," Frank said as he bent down and held out a glass of water. Gerard took it and downed the contents greedily as his throat seemed to crave the cool sensation.
"Thanks Franky," Gerard mumbled, hoping that the use of his pet name would make Frank realise he meant for taking care of him last night as well. But all that left his mind as the water didn't seem to sit too well in his gut and he threw up into the toilet bowl again. "Fuck this shit."
Frank laughed but it was a sad kind of laugh and Gerard had to admit he felt a little sorry for him, he hoped Mikey hadn't drilled him to much that morning. Gerard reached out and patted Frank's knee as a sign of some sort of thanks. It was a bit pathetic, but he didn't trust himself to speak just yet.
"So you're officially drinking again then?" It was Mikey; he had arrived at the bathroom door where Frank and Gerard were camped out. He wasn't angry, being the older brother, Gerard had never really copped anything like that from Mikey, he merely seemed upset and seemed to be genuinely asking him as though it was vital he knew the answer.
Gerard chose not to say anything, he didn't trust himself to speak as his body heaved again and he dry-retched into the toilet. Frank rubbed his back comfortingly as Mikey stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest looking as though he would like to do nothing better than to yell at Gerard and tell him he was never allowed to be this sick again. Mikey knew it would be lost words though, Gerard had never, in his whole life done anything anyone had told him to do. If he decided to do something, it would only be because he wanted to or because he thought it was for the best.
"Cause you know, I think it's quite obvious that it still doesn't work for you," Mikey continued as he pointed dramatically at the toilet.
"Let it go Mikey," was all Gerard could say and he immediately regretted it. How could his brother let it go? He had only said it because he cared for him, but still, Gerard hated hearing it. He was enjoying the partying and the drinking again, it was just unfortunate that with that came the hang over and the sickness the next day.
"Fine ... I'll see you on stage." Before Gerard could say anything further, Mikey stormed off. He heard Ray try and say something to him, but Mikey just mumbled something and then he must have headed out because he heard the distinct noise of someone hitting the gravel outside as they walked off.
"You should cut him some slack man, he's your brother, he worries about you," Frank said quietly from Gerard's side. Now his friend was going to start on him to, he really wasn't in the mood for it this morning. "Just tell me one thing ... are you doing coke again?"
Gerard sighed and shook his head as anger boiled up inside of him. What did it matter? Why did they care? Why did they always have to be like this, so serious and grave about something everyone was doing? He didn't want to have to explain himself to them, he didn't have to. What he did in his spare time was his business, not there’s. He gave up being told what to do a long time ago.
"I'm not doing anything again ... I'm just trying to enjoy myself. I think I deserve to let loose and have a bit of fun every now and then," Gerard responded impatiently as he breathed in deep realising he felt a little better and his stomach seemed to be calming itself down.
Frank looked away from him and towards the door, clearly trying to decide whether he should do a runner as well. When Gerard didn't say anything further Frank did get up and leave the room. Wow, pissing off two people in one morning ... he was on a roll today. Feeling frustrated now that he was sitting alone and was making a mess of his day, he stood up and struggled towards the sink. He washed his face and actually made the effort to brush his teeth. It felt good having them clean again and that horrible taste was strangely absent now.
"I'm going out," Gerard announced to Ray and Bob as he wrestled his shoes on his feet with shaking hands.
"Out where?" Bob asked. It wasn't like Bob to question anyone or check up on people, but he had never been there and seen just how bad Gerard was when he drank last time, he had merely heard about it. He joined the band around the same time Gerard had quit. Therefore, Gerard really had no idea how the larger man would deal with situations such as these. It was clear he was merely checking up on him for the sake of the band, so that he would have something to tell Mikey if he came back.
"Just out ... I’ll see you in an hour before stage so we can get ready." With that he quickly exited the bus and walked off along the path behind the tour buses so as to avoid any fans that might be lingering at the fence. It was hours until he was due on stage and he had no idea what he was going to do until then. Walk around aimlessly trying to shake off some of the guilt he felt for bullying his brother? That didn't really seem like much fun, would give him too much time to think.
It was odd, the only place he could think of where he felt safe, where he felt good, where he knew all would be forgotten, was Bert's bus. Still, if he went there now, he would drink again, wouldn't he? Did he really want to? He still felt like he had been hosting a five year olds party where one hundred friends the same age had turned up and there was free red-drink. Tired, head pounding, angry and frustrated. So that was probably why he did head straight for Bert's, at least he liked to think so. Simply hang out with a friend who would take that guilt from his mind ... that was all, it wasn’t like he was going there just to drink again, he wouldn’t let himself be addicted like last time, no way. He didn’t need it! He never had.
----------------------------------
"I think they knew I was drunk on stage," Gerard laughed as his head sunk lower against the wall.
"No! Don't be silly ... any sober person would have tripped over their microphone cord and forgotten half their own lyrics," Bert said sarcastically as he poured Gerard another shot.
Gerard didn't like being reminded of how silly he must have looked, especially when he was this drunk, it would just make him miserable. Sure enough, the memory of his terrible stage performance and disappointed faces of his band mates flickered into his head and he downed the shot quickly and put his glass out, ready for another one.
"I'm a fucking screw up," he slurred as he downed the next shot just as quickly but gagged slightly at the taste. "Man that shit is strong."
Yagemeister. Bert really knew how to get stuck into all the good drinks and the right time to get stuck into them. When Gerard had arrived looking moody that morning, they had merely been drinking beer to cheer him up. He hadn't taken anything, no cocaine, not even a joint; he wasn't going to be messed up for stage. However, his emotions were running a little high and he had obviously gone a little over board with the drinks. The Used and My Chemical Romance made it on stage that night, but their performances were just awful. It's not like the fans really cared, they still cheered and clapped and they simply laughed as Gerard covered up his forgotten lyrics with new ones as he stumbled around the stage. His band mates hadn't found it quite as funny.
That was when he had decided it would be best to retreat back to Bert's bus rather than stick around and face the ‘band meeting’ he knew would be called. There was the promise of more alcohol at Bert’s and, disappointed at himself and knowing everyone else was to, he had got straight back into it quite eagerly.
"Don't you turn all emotional on us and shit ... just remember, I passed out on stage once. You're not that bad yet," Bert said with a smile and a reassuring kiss on Gerard's chin. He had a sneaking suspicion he had tried to reach his cheek, but as they were both lying on the floor, he hadn't really reached high enough at all.
"But Mikey and Frank are so mad ..." he whined, accepting another shot and downing that as well. "I'd better go apologise."
Bert started laughing, then when he realised Gerard was serious he stopped. "Seriously? Well, if it will make you stop winging like a little girl."Gerard pushed him away angrily. He wasn't a little girl! "Alright, I was fucking joking. Just make sure you come back here afterwards, we still got the rest of this to drink," he announced, waving the half empty bottle of Yagemeister around.
Promising he would be back, he struggled to get to his numb feet. When he finally did, he took with him the bottle of Jim Beam he had been sipping earlier, before they had started on the shots. Man, they had drunk a lot today, it was no wonder he felt a bit off.
Stumbling out the tour bus' door he headed back along that familiar path that would lead him to his own band. He hoped they wouldn't be to mad, he really just wanted to ease his burden and get the hell out of there. He sipped his Jim Beam bottle nervously, but returned the lid quite quickly when he realised that he had probably had enough and that it didn’t mix too well with Yagemeister.
It was his bus as well, so he didn't knock, he just pushed the door open and walked on in. Mikey, Frank, Bob and Ray were all sitting on the floor playing Uno, it was the only card game they really played anymore. The trick was to play it with money, so you could have different bets each game, it was more interesting that way and it was always surprising how addictive it could be.
Gerard couldn't explain it, but it made him angry to see them all laughing amongst themselves, especially without him. Now he was confused, he was jealous that his band was hanging out without him ... but really, he only had himself to blame. He left the band to hang out with Bert nearly every night, for no other reason than that he was bored. Did he really have the right to be jealous that they were having fun without him? What did he expect them to do? Sit around twiddling their thumbs waiting for him to come back?
"Actually decided to join us tonight then?" Mikey said very bitterly. He was mad! Mikey was actually mad. He crossed his arms over his chest and he was looking at Gerard with no more disappointment, he was just pissed off.
Naturally, this only made Gerard madder. His little brother had no right to be mad, had no right to look at him like that. He was the one sitting around having fun with the band whilst Gerard had to hide with Bert and drink his sorrows away.
"I just came here to say something to you all," he slurred as he swayed slightly on the spot.
"I don't wanna hear it if your drunk Gee. In fact, I don't even wanna talk to you at all anymore, not if you're going to be like this." Mikey stood up, threw his cards down and walked towards his bunk.
A childish attempt to get away from Gerard and show he was mad, sit in his bed with a flimsy little curtain between them. For some reason it reminded Gerard of when they were little and Mikey would put up a little pillow fought between them when he got mad at him. Pathetic, but it still stung Gerard, he hadn't liked it back then when his baby brother blocked him out and he didn't like it now.
"What's your problem?" Gerard shouted, waving his bottle around in frustration ... he really wanted a sip of it now, but he refrained knowing it wouldn’t look real good, he was definitely drunk enough.
"My problem, Gerard, is that you were sick this morning from whatever crap you were taking last night, then you just walk off and do it all again, show up late and drunk for a performance and then disappear again only to come back even more messed up! Last time you were unhappy you know, I got it, but you're thirty years old now ... Grow up!"
Gerard stared at his brother in shock. He couldn't believe that Mikey Way, his younger, quieter brother who often couldn't even get a sentence out that made any kind of sense, was telling him very clearly to grow up. Never had he said that to him before, Mikey had always looked up to him, and now he was telling him to grow up! No one liked hearing that from their younger sibling and Gerard knew that at this very moment, he hated hearing it.
"Didn't I tell you this morning to let it go? It's none of your business!" Gerard said angrily as he kicked the nearest bunk. Frank, Bob and Ray were all on their feet now as well, watching the two of them nervously. The rage only bubbled up inside him, they were all on Mikey’s side, he could see it in their eyes. He hated being ganged up on like this.
"None of my business? You're my fucking brother Gerard! I don't want you to end up like you were last time. You were sick all the time, you were moody and depressed and the last time ... you remember that last time? You tried to kill yourself! If you wanna end up like that again then fine, but you have a job to do and when you can't even do that ... well its sad Gerard ... you're just sad! You're only doing this because everyone else is, that's your only excuse. I felt sorry for you last time, this time; I'm embarrassed to even have you as a brother after the performance you gave on stage!"
Gerard felt an anger burn inside him that he had never felt before. He couldn't explain it, but he hated it, especially considering it was directed at his little brother. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Frank nodding his head ... as though he was agreeing with everything Mikey was saying. Not wanting to get angry at his brother simply because he found he couldn’t, Gerard turned to take it out on his friend instead.
"You think he's right do you Frank? Well then why don't you speak up and say something to me? You're just rocking up and partying with me then say you're really just keeping an eye on me. I don't need you to take care of me ... I don't need any of you, I'm just trying to live a little, maybe you should do the same." Frank was looking at him a little confused, maybe as to why he had suddenly turned his anger onto him.
"Look Gee, I'm just agreeing with Mikey that it wasn't fun last time, watching you like that. Do you really want to be back there again? You're going backwards, it happens it does, but you just seem to be doing it a bit too fast. I don't think you've really given yourself a chance to sober up at all after the past few days. Isn't this all looking strangely familiar to you?" Frank said, trying to remain calm, probably for the sake of everyone. Mikey seemed to have cooled down as well, especially after someone else could now take over for him.
"You know what ... fuck you all then. I don't have to stand here and have you all ganged up on me. Drinking is the only thing I can do to make everything else just go away, just cause you all have your happy little lives and -"
"You see! This is exactly what I'm talking about!" Mikey butted in, waving his arms around as though proving his point. It was then that Gerard realised he was crying. He didn't even remember starting, probably because he was so drunk, but he was, he didn't like being confronted like this, he just wanted everyone to act normal, to not have a problem with the way he chose to live his life.
"See Gee, it's only going to fuck you up again," Frank threw in, stepping closer to him now that he was crying. Gerard didn't want his pity and he stepped away from Frank as though he was someone coming to attack him.
"Leave me alone ... you can find yourself another brother Mikey and you can all find yourselves another singer, I'm sick of this shit," he yelled, taking out all his frustration on his eyes as he rubbed at the tears furiously. When he realised they wouldn't stop he knew he had to get out of there. Turning around, he quickly headed for the door.
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end
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AN: Sorry for the late update, hope people are still reading and hope you are still finding it entertaining enough. The next chapter is the darker chapter, but hey I think you're all ready enough, lol.
Love to hear from you all and see what you think so far, hope it's living up to expectations. Thanks for reading, plenty more to come.
xxPadfootxx
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