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• KOTOR - Capricorn

  (#) wesley 2008-12-12

  Okay this was mildly interesting, but it could have been so much more. The Story didn’t flow well, it was choppy, and in parts it was difficult to understand who was doing what, where, how, and why. There were several spelling and grammar mistakes, which also interrupted the story.
  
  I think the plot and the idea were good; great even but in needs to be touched up. You need to clarify who is where, saying what at the beginning of the story. how they came to be there, and why they are continuing on the course.
  
  I could figure out who was who in the beginning, I didn’t know if Carth was with them against them in the same ship or anything. Anyway good luck with your writing I hope to see a touched up and edited even expanded version of this story soon.

  Author's response

  Thanks for taking the time to review.
  
  Considering this was jotted down in the course of a day or two, in the attempt to exorcise an idea that wouldn't leave and had been clogged in there for the better part of a year from my mind? Errors may happen, especially if they're ones that don't get caught by spellcheckers.
  
  I though that the explicit mention of Carth and Jolee being on a different ship from Revan and the others would have been a bit of a clue.
  
  Besides, I feel that actually making clear just what's going on would pretty much kill the story. Considering most of the people I ran this by before didn't have much of a problem with figuring out exactly what was going on, I don't think this is quite as big a problem as you make it out to be. Plus, it would result in a giant infodump going against the show-not-tell rule. Once upon a time, when I was just starting out, I used to do this a lot. And badly. Trust me when I say this is the more user-friendly alternative.

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