FicWad

Where were you last night? You sat over me with tears in your eyes, glazed over and staring out the window. If you maintain your breathing it's easy to feign sleep, the rhythm is all that matters, it pulls you in and finally you've dropped into it, too hooked on your own breathing yo realize you're only dreaming.

Except when it's over. Than its absence, of dreams, of feeling is too obvious, searing itself into you.

As much as I'd tried to stay awake and watch you, it was shocking, paralyzing when your laughter woke me. It was deep and low in your throat, an incurably horrible sound like someone gasping for air, your mouth hanging open obscenely.

I think you like to scare me, you once repudiated Orwell in saying that you'd never want to be understood so much as loved, because understanding left you with an image to prolong and perpetuate somehow. As long as something is unknown, everything remains open. Unexplained, you have the capacity to create new tendencies rather than just observing them, magically avoiding the vacuum of the norm, of societal restraint and realism. Your eyes trailed off when you said it.


The bed creaked; your shoulders shaking as you rocked back and forth, absurdly fetal, a terrible insolent anger burning empty in your eyes.

There was something oblivious in your expression and in your hands wrapped tight around each other, baring the knuckles white with stretched skin. You grinned grotesquely, contorting your features mostrously.

I was afraid to touch you, so sick and insanely fascinated, so I watched, trying to understand what it was that had caught you, hating you for it as you left me. The moon shone blankly through the window over the empty street, lined with dim lights and abandoned houses. The thin light struck your face, eclipsing your mouth in the shadow of your laughter, your lips curled back and sneering. The skin on your cheeks gleamed with traces of salt, crusted down over your covulsing smile. Your clavicles jutted out, sharp and obscene under your heaving throat. They showed almost red where the light hit them strangely, embracing them at odd angles.

The laughter grew, surrounded everything terribly. Your head was thrown back with the force of it, shrieking wildly with the abysmal laugh of a madman or an idiot.

I looked up into your eyes, they were dark, wild and confused swallowed by your pupils and terribly focused, wrapped in a sort of unimaginable inborn ecstasy. Unspeakable. The effect as I stared up at you was paralyzing, your laughter disgustingly intensifying your gaze, growing until you were screaming insanely, a wild animal sound keening hopelessly into the dark, as if you were ruined and loved it, were overjoyed in your own unreachable destruction. You thrust forward suddenly, jerking your head up towards to window in an abject departure from your usual bearing, in a violent reassessment of form.

I sat up, afraid of what you'd do to yourself if I let you. Pretending I could stop you, my shoulder brushed yours as I lifted myself from the bed. You went still, your eyes wide and intently focused on me as you stopped laughing. I wanted to run like never before, all hesitation vanished in the wake of that horrible peircing sound.
In the new silence your hands flew apart and grabbed my shoulders, forcing me back down roughly. With your arms pressed around my head you glared at me, your face still and inexpressible as you bent over me. My breath returned in a heavy shudder as I blinked back the tears forming uselessly behind my eyes.
I tried to turn my head away but you forced my gaze up to see you staring into me, almost curiously, with your eyes darting back and forth over my features. Up close, your pupils were diseased, bestial and deranged as they bore into me, huge black circles in a bloodshot field.

I felt myself twitch, shaking violently as your hand traced up my cheek, feeling the dense hollows under my eyes and beneath my lips, taking in the shadows soft down my neck. I tried to pull away, disgusted, as you rubbed your fingertips down the muscles, taut as I pulled my head back, as far away from you as it could get. The calloused skin caught with your bitten nails on me. The hand collapsed, quickly, your palm sweaty and tight around my throat, crushing my breath with shocking force. My chest convulsed horribly, legs kicking as I tried to force you off again. Too strong your fingers clamped down, choking out everything and letting my eyes go dark as my lungs deflated. As everything went black you leaned in, heavy into your palms, your elbow digging hard into my chest.

Vomit rose hot in my throat, unable to make it past the pressure point of your palm. I could smell it as I coughed again and again, gasping for air. Your eyes were cold and feral, strangely arrogant, boring into the edge of my vision. I could feel your gaze rising around my temples with a sick pressure, narrowing my sight completely.

I gagged harshly under your hand, bile flooding sour into my mouth. You jumped at the sound, pulling off me and leaping off the bed.

I leaned over and poured my stomach over the side, the edge digging sharply into my ribs as I retched.

In a daze I heard your footsteps pound quickly away, ringing strangely through the room as you ran out, leaving the door open as you left.

I hardly noticed minutes later leaning back with my raw throat into the sweaty sheets; vomit sticky and putrid on my hand where I wiped my mouth, it's smell sickeningly metallic in the cooling night air.