January: A pesty girl friend, a nosy brother and a secret admirer. Let the year begin.
WARNING: Swearing - lots of it! Please don't eat like this, drink like this or smoke like this. I love you all too much.
Chapter Two: January - A Very Fucking Bad Start!/]
Sunday, January 1st
[/96 kg (my grandmother keeps poking my beer belly and telling me I'm too thin, plus her shortbread is filled with over a pound of butter), 24 beers (it was new year ... I'm not a total loser), 15 cigarettes, 0 joints.
Food consumed today:
4 pop-tarts (thanks for the breakfast Mikey)
22 cups of coffee
1 packet of Doritos
Noon. New Jersey: The basement. Have just reminded Mikey why it is never a good idea to wake me when I'm sleeping. I don't think he'll be doing it again anytime soon, not after receiving the lamp that usually resides on my bedside table to the side of his head.
Now I have no lamp.
But at least Mikey learnt his lesson.
The last thing in the whole fucking world I feel like doing is going over to my Aunt Marie’s place for the usual New Year's Day family barbeque. I drank to much last night, maybe I can convince Mum I'm dying of some life threatening disease.
Alcohol poisoning ... That's believable. I'm sure you can die from that.
I still don't even know how Mum managed to convince me to go along. I'm 21 now and in college, I shouldn't have to attend humiliating family functions where every relative loves to remind me and Mikey how we were always the kids in the family likeiest to run around without our clothes on.
11:45 p.m. First day of New Year has been an absolute horror. I still can't believe that once again I am starting the year, drinking with my brother in the basement of my parents’ house. I'm 21, I have a girl friend ... and I don't even know what that's supposed to entitle me to, but I thought it would be more then this.
The family lunch was nothing short of murder, I drove Mikey so we could fill up on McDonalds and smoke all the cigarettes we wanted before arriving at hell, where all we would get was low-fat, low-carb, no fucking taste shit house food and asthmatics who cough loudly just at the mention of smoke.
"Gee-Bear and Mikey-Wikey. Oh we'd almost given up on you two"
"Er, yeah sorry we - um - got lost or something like that."
"Lost? Oh what are we going to do with you two boys? At least you decided to leave your clothes on today!"
I WAS FIVE AND MIKEY WAS ONE ... For Fuck's sake! GET OVER IT!
After getting the directions that we supposedly should have taken, Mikey got dragged away leaving me to sit with Aunt Marie who was already drunk as a skunk.
"So ... how's your love life?"
"Fine. Me and Amy are still going strong."
I wonder if she hinted the "please kill me now" tone in my voice.
"Still? Wow! You were always so committed Gerard. Are you married yet?"
"What? Why not? What are you doing wrong?"
I didn't bother telling her that I wasn't as committed as most people thought I was and that lately I had probably made out with more men then I had times with my actual girl friend. No, her old drunken heart wouldn't have been able to deal to well with that sort of talk.
"You sound just like my mother," I managed to get out.
"Oh Gee ... That must be very confusing for you."
Tuesday, January 3rd
98 kg (okay, I know men shouldn't obsess about their weight but what's happening to me?), 5 beers (fantastic), 10 cigarettes (record!), 0 joints (I think I'm suffering withdrawals).
9 a.m. Am beginning to wonder if I even want to go back to college. Sure, it's not all that bad. I have my own room, I'm studying all the subjects I want to study, I have friends, I have booze, what more could you want right?
Well, I'm still vastly unpopular and considered a complete geek and over-driven freak and that's just the icing sugar on the top of the pancakes.
My girlfriend is there; around every corner, behind every door - always smiling ... watching, judging talking about us, the future, always the future!
Then, as if that isn't enough, I have to deal with the presence of Mr. I'm So Fucking Perfect Iero. That's right, the cool guy in college. The one with all the friends, all the talent and all the style. The one that works out in front of the T.V whilst all the girls giggle and watch on in admiration. The one that could probably play "Sweet Home Alabama" backwards and forwards on his guitar whilst standing on his head.
Okay, so I don't actually know the guy, but I already know I hate him. I hate people that have it all. I hate people that simply get everything handed to them and never have to work for anything in their perfect little lives.
Then of course there are the boys next door. The one's that have adopted me as their new play-mate and well, let's just say, they've been all sorts of trouble for me.
I thought I had drinking, smoking and pot problems; well they certainly made me look like a down right pansy when it came to those things. I'd only hung out with them a few times when I was looking for a drinking buddy but every time turned out just as crazy and just as mentally damaging as the next.
I won’t even go into the details about what happened in the spin the bottle game we played on the last night on college grounds before the break. I won’t write anything down for fear that Mikey could pick this up and find out that I'm perhaps not as straight as I thought I was.
10 p.m. I'm not fucking gay! For fuck's sake!
Wednesday, January 4th
95 kg (hmmm, storing it for starving college life), 17 beers (rough day), 78 cigarettes (and that was restraining myself), 0 joints.
4 p.m. The Basement. Okay, am seriously starting to wish I had bought some pot back with me. If ever there was a time for a joint, it would be now.
Got a call from the girlfriend today, she sounded kind of distant so organized to have coffee and movie date with her before college goes back.
It's funny though, truth be told I thought she was going to break up with me and the moment that thought crept into my head I demanded we went on a date. I mean she hangs off me all the time and she's soooooo annoying. But, I don't really want to loose her. I mean, I don't think I could stand being on my own.
6 p.m. The Basement. Now she won’t stop texting me again. It wouldn't be that bad to be on my own ... would it?
Thursday, January 5th
95 kg (I wont scar you with stories of how I lost that extra kilo, but let's just say I enjoyed it a whole lot), 4 beers (I surprisingly had a good day), 15 cigarettes, 0 joints (sigh).
11 a.m. Breakfast table. After a perfectly healthy and balanced breakfast of 2 x chocolate flavoured pop tarts, 2 x cups of coffee and 2 x cigarettes, I was ready to face the day ... or rather, go back to bed and sleep.
At least, that's what I would have done had I not at that very moment heard the tune to "Bye, Bye, Bye", by N-sync going off somewhere in my pocket.
"What the? Mikey, did you change my message tone again?"
"I think it suits you better then Morrissey."
Still, I had a text message, so I didn't bother fighting with him any longer. Sighing, as I knew it would no doubt be from Amy, the clingy girl friend, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I opened the message and saw a number I didn't have saved in my phone on the top of the text:
A vampire bat flies back into the cave one day
with blood all over his face. "Where did you get that?"
Asks his mate. "Follow me," he says and they go
flying off into the forest until they come to a big
tree. "See that tree?" he says. "Well, I didn't."
I almost peed my pants laughing. Okay, so I don't get out much, but it was just so out of the blue, I hadn't been expecting it. Plus, no one sends me jokes.
"What's so funny?" Mikey asked. I showed him the message and he laughed just as hard. "That's gold. Who sent it to you?"
"I dunno," as I really didn't. Mikey just looked at me puzzled.
"Who would send you a random message?"
Fuck you Mikey. I can get some mysterious text messages as well. Even though I never had. That was probably why I wrote back.
LOL! That was priceless!
Thanks a tone.
The message sent and I started to wonder. Who would randomly send me a joke?
N-sync rang out again and I hastily opened it. Why was I so excited to be messaging some nameless person?
Hey sugar pie. Cant wait 4 da movies tomorrow.
I have a surprise for u.
Lots of love, Amy xxoo
Just the girl friend. I hate how she abbreviates every word. Even Mikey was disappointed.
After that ... nothing.
Noon. The random still hasn't messaged back. Am such a loser, hoping to get a text back from someone I don't even know. Someone who probably just accidentally sent it to a wrong number. Or maybe it was someone who got my number one night when I was really drunk. Can't imagine what's worse.
12:10 p.m. What if it's some jock from school that accidentally sent it to me and when I wrote back he saw my number come up and now he's furious and making fun of me for actually thinking that they meant to send it to me?
12:15 p.m. Mikey's right, I am insane.
12:30 p.m. Decided to take my mind off it by watching Mikey play Grand Theft Auto 4. There really is nothing else to do.
"You may hate me but it ain't no lie, baby bye, bye, bye."
Ha ha. Yeah, someone sent it to me and I
figured you'd like it as I kind of got the hint
that you had a thing for vampires.
The bat-belt buckle is beyond rad :)
OMG! It wasn't a prank by group of jocks. Now I was really intrigued. Who the hell would read a joke and think of sending it to me? Someone who clearly paid enough attention to notice my belt buckle.
I had to admit, it was the most exciting thing to happen to me in a while. Even Mikey thought so.
"Oh my god! You have a secret admirer! Write back ... ask them who it is. Ask them how they got your number!"
God. Mikey's such a dumb ass. What a stupid think to do.
Yeah, it's an un-healthy obsession.
And thanks, it's my favourite item of clothing.
Um, hate to sound rude, but don't have this number.
Who is this? And how'd you get my number?
"What did you say Gee?"
"Certainly not what you told me to say!"
SHIT! I'm such a dumb-ass. "It's my favourite item of clothing"? How much lamer could I get?
1:30 p.m. Still no message back! Man, this person is either a really slow texter or I scared them off. Probably the second one.
Would it be bad if I sent another message? What if the first one didn't get through?
1:35 p.m. No, I'm not that fucking lame.
1:48 p.m. "Baby bye, bye, bye!"
Man, if I wasn't so lazy, that message tone would have been changed by now. Darn it, it'll be weeks before I get up the energy to change it.
Sorry, don't mean to seem like a stalker,
got your number off a guy from college.
Hope you don't mind. And if it's okay with
you, I might keep my identity a secret for
now. I'm shy :(
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You have got a secret admirer!"
Is it just me or does Mikey seem surprised beyond belief. Butt-hole. I've had secret admirers before … Okay, maybe not.
Don't know what to write back ... I've never been good at the whole hard to get game. Should I ask Mikey for advice?
"What you gonna write back?"
Some fountain of knowledge he is.
10 p.m. Okay, so I know it's late, but I had to write back.
That's cool. And no, I don't mind :)
So, it wasn't much, I know. But, it would have to do.
10:15 p.m. OMG! Did I actually put a smiley face at the end of the message? How lame!
10:20 p.m. "... Bye, Bye, Bye!"
Message, right when I was just drifting off to sleep.
Gee bear, did u get my last message?
Luv Amy xxoo
Friday, January 6th
5:45 p.m. Excitement of previous day has now completely died away. Maybe I shouldn't have written back to the message. They probably thought I was a freak for writing back.
Shit! Why do I care so much? I have a girl friend!
A very annoying girl friend.
Dam it, we're having coffee tomorrow.
I'm actually looking forward to going back to college now, maybe I can find out who the mysterious texter is. Mikey visits nearly every weekend he says he's seen a couple of girls checking me out, he promises to keep his eyes wide open when he's there, see if we can't figure this out.
Sunday, January 8th
94 kg (why am I even bothering with this?), 18 beers (girl friend stress), 90 cigarettes (girl friend stress), 0 joints (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)
3 p.m. Basement. So, date with girl friend was a disaster. And I know this sounds shallow, but I am a man and I have needs. We didn't even have sex afterwards!
Sure, it probably had something to do with the fact that I was thinking more about my mysterious text messages then I was thinking about actually having a decent conversation with her. But, that was no reason for her to chuck a spaz at me and start blabbing on about how distant I've been and how good she is to stick by me when I'm like this.
Women! Man, sometimes they're so much work.
Then she made me sit through the Sex And The City movie. I mean as if that wasn't pay back enough for my disinterest in whatever it was she was talking about when we were having coffee, she then made me promise to pick her up on Tuesday so we could re-do the whole date again!
Now she's ruined my Sunday!
Wednesday, January 11th
93 kg, 6 beers (I needed to stop my brain from thinking so much), 0 cigarettes (OMG! I think I'm ill), 0 joints.
3 p.m. New Jersey: Coffee Shop. So, the second date was a little better. Long story short, I got through coffee and lunch pretending I was interested in hearing about what Amy had to say, but really all I heard was "blah, blah, blah, blah, sex, blah, blah, blah."
At the word sex, I naturally tuned in, but turned out she was only talking about Sex And The city again. Man, get over it! It wasn't even that fucking great!
Bottom line, we made out for a bit, but I still managed to do something wrong as she refused to let me go back to her place. I'm not usually this desperate to get laid but - oh, who am I kidding. I'm a guy ... I'm always desperate to get laid.
"You may hate me but it ain't no lie baby bye, bye, bye!"
I snorted on my coffee as my pocket vibrated and that offending song rang out in the now strangely silent coffee shop. Man, why did everything always go silent whenever you said anything or made an embarrassing noise.
My checks flushed red as nearly every eye was suddenly on me. A group of boys about my age laughed to themselves in the table near the corner.
I tried to ignore it as I pulled out my phone and opened the text message. All I managed to see was that it was from the mysterious messenger again, but before I could read it my phone beeped three times and then went dead.
Dam these cheap phones! I swear I had it on the stupid charger all morning.
I have to get home ... I have to read that message.
No ... poise! Deep breath ... you are not that desperate to read it. You do have a life!
3:15 p.m. Basement. No! I did not run home! ... Well, maybe a little.
Charge darn it ... Charge.
3:30 p.m. It finally turns back on. The message still better be there. Oh, there it is:
Sorry to bug you again. But I was curious.
I heard a rumour about you and Bert
McCracken. Is it true you guys made out?
I felt my heart stop. Had it gotten around the school already? What if Amy heard about it? Should I tell this person the truth?
No, definitely not. I don't even know this person. For all I know, it could still be a joke, someone just messing with my head. They sounded nice enough, but anyone could sound nice through a black and white text message. If all else fails, just throw in a smiley face.
Boy was I glad Mikey wasn't here to read this message.
Hey. Um, no, sorry. Rumour is not true.
I'm not into guys. I have a girl friend.
Was that to blunt? Are you supposed to tell a secret admirer that you have a girl friend? I mean, this person was clearly interested enough to get my number from someone, what if they had a crush on me or something?
Oh shit! Too late, it sent.
Did secret admirers usually have a crush on the person they were admiring? I'm so out of the loop on these things.
3:40 p.m. SHIT! Why did I send that message? Now they are going to think I'm a fucking jerk!
Monday, January 16th
98 kg (boredom fat), 17 beers (boredom beer), 78 cigarettes (boredom smoking), 0 joints (shoot me now!)
10:30 a.m. Lounge room. I've really got to stop writing in my diary in family rooms. Mikey is starting to get a little nosy. I'm sure it wont take him long to find out where I keep it and steal it from me.
He says men my age aren’t supposed to keep diaries. Is that true?
Darn it ... why do I let him get to me so much. I hate him!
10:40 a.m. Hmmm, so bored. Amy wanted to hang out today ... Maybe I will go see what Mikey is doing. He's much more fun to hang out with.
4 p.m. Guitarrrr fucken hero and fucken beer with Mikesey. I no itzz proly still earleee but sleeeeeep izzz sooo good.
Tuesday, January 24th
93 kg (can't eat, to lazy), 19 beers, 28 cigarettes (fan-fucking-tastic), 0 joints.
8 p.m. Basement. Worse day ever! Been so bored lately. Only text messages I received have been from Amy, reminding me that college goes back soon. Like I would actually forget.
Fine ... I did last year. But that was last year. I've changed since then.
So, like most slow days, me and Mikey headed to the local Starbucks. And you wouldn't believe who was there. Out of all the fucking people in all the fucking world, Frank fucking Iero had to be there having coffee with some weirdo friend of his.
"What the fuck is he doing here?"
Man, Mikey is always so bloody slow with these things. He never recognizes anyone, even if they're standing an inch away from his face.
And he does know who Frank is because every weekend he visits me at college we delight in bagging the unsuspecting guy out. Okay, fairly childish, I know, and I'm sure Mikey has no beef on the guy, but sometimes I think he does it just to have my back.
"Ohhhhhhhhhh you mean Mr. Popularity!"
He finally catches on.
"Yes Mikey ... I mean him."
"He lives in New Jersey doesn't he?"
"What? How do you know that Mikes?"
"Huh? Oh I dunno ... probably read it somewhere or overheard it ..."
It was amazing all the random shit that Mikey just happened to over hear. Still, if it was true and Frank actually did live in Jersey, then Mikey would actually know. He was far more popular then I was and with all the local party's he went to, he was good for all the local gossip.
"So ... heard anything else from your secret admirer?"
I had actually almost forgotten. Trust Mikey to bring it up.
"Errr, kind of. Not recently though."
"What was the number again? Ended in 889 or something didn't it?"
His attention to unimportant details amazes me sometimes.
"I dunno, probably. I really don't care Mikes."
LIES! It was driving me insane not knowing.
"Well, open up your messages and show me ... I swear that number looked familiar."
How could someone who had so much trouble recognizing people remember and actually recognise a number he had only seen a glimpse of twice?
"Piss off Mikey, you're not seeing it."
"Oh come on Gee, don't you wanna know who it is?"
"NO! Drink your fucking coffee!"
Okay, so by that stage I was yelling a little to loud. Several eyes turned our way making me sink down lower in my chair. I always drew far too much attention to myself at this place.
"Your best friend is staring," Mikey had whispered to me, looking far to amused.
Sure enough, I managed a peak through the fingers of the hand that was now covering my embarrassed face and Frank and his stupid friend were staring at me.
And I swear the short-assed jerk actually smiled at me.
Son-of-a-bitch! The last thing I needed was for him to have something to tell his jock friends about me.
Worst day ever!
Friday, January 27th
Oh man, last free Friday in a long time. Back to college on Monday. Suddenly not looking forward to it so much anymore.
I have to deal with Frank's eye taunting, cause he never actually says anything to me out loud, but I swear he's thinking it. On top of that I have to deal with Amy.
I mean, most 21 year olds I know are taking their girl friends on weekend long romantic holidays. They're texting them non-stop, ringing them every night. I mean, I don't think I've ever done that with Amy ... In fact, not even at the start of our relationship.
Maybe I am a horrible boy friend.
What the hell does she even see in me?
AN: No, I'm not telling, so don't ask.
Please let me know if you like it so I can continue or not, cause I have other stories I'll work on instead if no one likes it. No big deal. It is fun though. Sorry so out of character but hey, it's fun.
Question of the day ... What's a holla-bat girl?