In loving memory of...
“Not too late in the day for toast?” I shook my head, smiling. “It’s never too late for toast.” He moved closer and planted a kiss on my warm cheek. I buttered our toast with jam and butter. “Yummy.” He said cheerfully and sat down at the table. “Oooh, Gee, can we go have breakfast in bed?” He raised an eyebrow. “Why?” It wasn’t a question born from suspicion, it was playful. So I played along. “Cause bed is clearly the best place to be. Duh.” He stood up and took the plate from me “Ah, but tables are also fun.” I walked around him, stood and faced the opposite direction. “How so?” I scoffed. Suddenly his hand was on my waist, turning me around and pushing me onto the table, so I was laying with my legs dangling over the sides. “I see.” I said, giggling. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him closer. He picked up the toast and dangled it over my head. I sat up and snatched it from him, both of us giggling hysterically. I fed him the toast, and received a sticky-jam-kiss in return. I took a nibble of the warm toast myself. Gerard looked up and smiled, and I turned around to see Mikey standing in the doorway.
“I hope I’m not interrupting.” He said coldly. I reclaimed my legs and jumped off the table. “Not at all, Mikes.” said Gerard. “We were just about to head upstairs anyway, the kitchen is yours!” I avoided eye contact with Mikey, just looked down at my feet until me and Gee were safely on the stairs. When I looked at him I was afraid the guilt would be written all over my face, a cryptic message in bright red letters… But all he did was wrinkle his nose up and sneeze at me. “Thanks, mate.” I said sarcastically, wiping my face. He poked his tongue out but kept walking up the stairs.
The day continued in the playful, peaceful manner it had begun, and it was around 3pm that Gerard and I (After numerous wrestling sessions and epic pillow battles, and eating two meals in bed) both decided to have a nap before going downstairs to watch a movie. I kissed Gerard’s nose and lay my head on the soft pillow, Gerard’s body curled around mine like a cradle. “I love you, Gee.” I said softly, my eyes already closed. I heard him faintly whisper something, and my name, before drifting into a sweet, dreamless sleep.
When I woke up, I was alone. I looked at the clock on the bedside table that told me it was 8:30. I sighed angrily. I had developed a bad habit of going to bed in the middle of the day and therefore missing out on a whole day. But it’s okay, nights were much more exciting than days here. I stood up, checked myself in the mirror and walked downstairs.
The minute I saw them I knew something was wrong. Frank, Bob, Ray, sitting on the couch. Frankie, red eyed and swaying slightly, Ray, biting his nails anxiously and Bob, who looked calm in comparison, but still jumped and gasped when I walked in. “Guys, what’s up?” I said nervously. I’d put it all on their hangovers, if they didn’t look so damn upset.
I turned around and walked to the kitchen, then into the den. “Gerard?” I called. He’d tell me what was going on.
After a search of upstairs, I returned to the lounge room, where the guys were still sitting in a line on the couch. “Guys, please. Where’s Gerard? What’s wrong with you all?” It was Frankie who finally spoke up. “Gerard’s gone.” Was all he said. I raised an eyebrow. “Gone where? When will he be back?” I asked, panic starting to leak into my voice. “Ray?” I practically squealed. Ray stood solemnly and walked over to me slowly. “The kitchen.” He said, before walking out. I followed him, sat across from him at the kitchen table. “Ray, what’s happening?” I asked. He exhaled slowly and cast his eyes downwards before beginning.
“Gerard came down to the lounge, and him, me, Frankie and Mikey were all just watching TV, but then something happened to Mikey. He stood up and started yelling all this stuff at Gerard, and pulled out a gun and told us all to get out, so we did. None of us were armed, we couldn’t do anything. Mikey said he needed to talk to Gee about something, and he didn’t want us there. I didn’t know why he needed to shoo us out at gunpoint, though. So we waited in here, there was lots of yelling, smashing and stuff, and then a shot. We all ran in, but Gee was gone. There was no trace of him, anywhere. Mikey said they’d fought, and Gee had killed himself. Frank got mad, didn’t believe him. Then Bob comes up from the basement and asked what was going on, and Mikey told Bob some stupid story about how Gerard was suicidal. He said he had taken Gee’s body outside for your courtesy and that he’d bury it later. But how did he get it out there so fast? Why was there no blood? I don’t get it, Adrienne.” He paused, before leaning in close and whispering “I think Mikey killed him.”
I said nothing in reply, I just slumped back in my chair. Suicidal? Just a few hours ago Gerard was feeding me jam toast… And he was suicidal? I stood up and almost ran out to the lounge room, to grab Bob and shake him, and scream hysterically “Bob, what really happened? Where is Gerard? Did he just go out? Bob? Bob!” But Bob didn’t tell me anything I wanted to hear.
“Adie, I’m sorry. He’s gone.” I shook my head and ran upstairs, screaming “MICHAEL WAY, WHERE ARE YOU?”
I found Mikey in my room. “Mikey, what the fuck happened? What did you do to Gerard?” I wailed, grabbing his wrists. He calmly removed himself from my grip. “Adrienne, I didn’t do anything to him.” He said sympathetically. “My brother was a manic depressive alcoholic. His emotions were all over the place. I’ve seen this coming for a while now. He left a note. Gave it to me.” I sat down. “Why did you pull a gun out?” I said slowly, trying not to cry. “Well because when you were asleep, he came to me and confessed everything. I didn’t know what to do until later, and I needed a way to get his attention. We talked, argued, and eventually he pulled his own gun out, and he-“ I cut Mikey off by screaming until His arms encircled me and lay me down next to him. “Baby, please…” He whispered. He was trying to be sympathetic and caring, trying. I knew he didn’t care his own brother was dead, I knew. But regardless I lay there with him, crying for what seemed like hours until he pushed a piece of paper into my hand. I sniffed, unfolded the paper and read it slowly.
I’m so sorry it had to end like this.
I didn’t want to leave you
But I can’t do this anymore.
Mikey will look after you.
I read the note, my facial expression contorting into one of complete and utter disbelief. This was not my Gerard, who lit up my days and electrified my nights. He wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be… I tried to think, but blurred thoughts and hazy memories flew through my head and suddenly I couldn’t breathe, the air was thick around me and I couldn’t see. “Mikey…” I whispered, but he didn’t know… No one could… I was alone now, where would I go? What would I- I doubled over in the bed and shook, crying and coughing, choking on my own dry sobs and cursing all the time…
Mikey helped me through the worst of those horrible panic attacks, and we sat through the remains of the night and into early morning. He stood up and walked to the door, thinking of me asleep, and said softly “At least you won’t have to choose anymore.”
This comment never fully went through to the core word processor of my brain. I heard it, but the depth of it was forgotten in a second, the glinting malice and triumph of it unacknowledged.
I lay awake in bed, confused and alone.
Alone. Would I forever be alone now? I had no one to protect me, to comfort me. To love me…
Oh yes you do missy.
I snorted and almost spoke out loud to my own mind. Go away. Leave me alone, I thought.
You’ve been whinging for almost 6 months now about how you can’t choose, and you love Gerard and Mikey and blah blah, and now even though Gerard is gone, you have someone willing to love you and you’re going to throw that all away for your own self pity? You’re pathetic, love.
I thought. At least you won’t have to choose anymore were Mikey’s words. Somewhere In my mind I knew that I loved Mikey and I should run straight to him, but it seemed so wrong… I would always love Gerard, and…
Mikey’s been waiting so long… Don’t betray him now. After all, he’s lost his brother. And would you rather have him by your side protecting you, or with them, working against you?
I nodded to myself, feeling reassured. I felt like ripping myself to shreds and never leaving this bed again, I felt like dying cold and alone in these mountains. But I would keep going, for Mikey. The new centre of my universe.
There it is, folks. Sorry if it seems a bit rushed, it is 1am after all.
I hope I didn't upset anyone, but it seems to me everyone is Pro Mikey anyway.
Expect more soon, I have no plans to sleep tonight, and besides, I have a bombshell to drop in the next chapter.
R&R, all that jazz.
P.S: Check out my new story too, guys! It's called The Loss. It's just a one-shot so you don't have to consistently reiew it, once will do :D Much appreciated. xo.