September: I don't want to talk to you Frank, a holiday at last, a hair cut and life lessons, why's Mikey crying and who is Frank?
WARNINGS: Swearing, mention of suicide, character death, implied sexual situations. And you know the rest, don't drink this much, don't smoke this much, if it's even posible. This is just fiction.
To my reviewers: Love you all more and more each day.
Chapter Ten: September - And down we go!
Saturday, September 2nd
84 kg (refuse to eat, apparently it's doing me some good, oh and I got some new scales ... don't ask, I had to know), 10 beers (good number), 7000 cigarettes (all smoked whilst thinking, so you could almost say that they're brain food, good for me), 2 joints (I fucking deserve them!).
7 p.m. College: My room. Its funny how life is like ... um, let’s just say, a swimming pool.
You get tossed into the baby pool as soon as you can walk and get taught how to swim. Then, just as you start to get the hang of it and manage to just barely keep your head above the water, some fucking moron says, "hey, I have an idea, lets chuck them in the big pool now, see how that goes."
So there you are, barely able to dog paddle and you're in this huge pool full of all these other people who look at you all superior like cause they can do 40 odd laps and you can't even do half a one. Inconsiderate pricks who splash you as they side stroke past seductively, trying to impress some girl in a bikini.
Meanwhile, you're slowly drifting towards the deeper end of the pool, just for a change, cause you can be alone there, you can finally get some time to yourself, because nobody really plays around up the deep end, it's too much effort to stay afloat.
So there you find yourself, every muscle in your body aching just trying to stay above the water level, just enough to get small amounts of air so you can barely get by. All alone, because you couldn't handle the enormous amounts of people slowly trying to drown you and all just because it's funny to watch you with your nose filled with water.
But for me, it never seems to stop there.
Just as I'm starting to adjust to the bigger pool with all the dumb asses that come with it and all the exhausting, lonely moments I can choose to take to get away from it all, I suddenly find that same ball busting bastard that kicked me out of the baby pool saying, "oh look everyone, he can dive into the deep end now, lets throw him into the crashing waves of some vast ocean somewhere..."
If I ever find that guy, I will break both his legs and see how he likes swimming then!
That's if I can ever find the strength to swim out of this dangerous current I have suddenly found myself in.
Since I found Frank and Amy single-handedly ruining my life that day that I decided to actually get my translucent skin out into the sunshine, I haven't left my room.
And I don't intend to.
I'm actually quite happy just sitting here in self-pity and self-loathing making up stupid fucking metaphors about life being like a swimming pool.
9 p.m. Or, perhaps it's like a box of chocolates ... or rather; you're like a box of chocolates.
All happy and content in your little packaging, just chillin' with all your liquid flavored centered friends and then some giant fucking hand just comes along and eats them all. Or puts two of them in the same foil wrapping so they can make out happily with each other whilst the poor old Gerard chocolate watches on wondering how he can somehow use his foil wrapping to hang himself...
This can't be healthy for me.
9:45 p.m. ...I wonder if I have any chocolate lying around?
Monday, September 4th
84 kg (I finally get some sort of stability in my life and it's only my fucking weight, ahhhh!), 9 beers (maybe I can make it to one more, I like even numbers), 90 (my lungs needed a rest), 0 joints, no. of weird conversations had with supposed enemies today: 1.
4 p.m. College: The Library. Almost decided not to go to class today ... almost. But as it just so happened, I needed the distraction. And, as it also, just so happens, I never actually made it to class anyway.
As I was making my way numbly to the art room, I got distracted by a small group of people, talking and laughing amongst themselves outside the science labs. Must be nice for some, not to have a care or a worry in the world. I just shoved my hands in my pockets and kept my eyes downwards as I hurriedly walked past them.
If I hadn't of been so caught up inside my own head I probably would have noticed one of them quickly dismiss themselves from the cheery group and follow me. Unfortunately for me though, I didn't even notice the footsteps coming up behind me until I felt a hand land gently on my shoulder.
It was unfortunate, because I was so far into my own head that I practically jumped out of my skin and let out a very embarrassingly girly scream at the touch.
I spun around to face my attacker only to stare into the surprised brown eyes of the last person on earth I wanted to see at that moment, Frank.
Clearly he hadn't been expecting this rather jumpy reaction from me because he snapped his hand away from my shoulder as though I had been about to bite it off.
To any onlookers, we must have looked quite pathetic.
"Frank ... you really need to leave me alone right now," I warned. This guy just didn't get it.
"Look Gerard, I know I'm probably not your favourite person at the moment, but I thought I should explain."
"I don't want to hear what you have to say Frank. I don't want to hear what either of you have to say! You both fucking deserve each other as far as I'm concerned."
Being cooped up in my room for so long clearly wasn't healthy. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I kind of hate myself for yelling at him so much.
"Gerard, it wasn't like that -"
"It's not enough, Frank, that you already fucking have everything in life, no, you have to take the only few, fragile little things that I have left as well. What isn't all that talent and popularity enough for you anymore? Are your good looks becoming a burden for you? Is the fact that you can still be cool even walking around in a pink fucking belt too much for you to fucking handle?"
I let loose, I couldn't take it anymore, everything just poured out of me.
Then, it happened. I don't even know why, but for some reason as I listed all the things Frank had that I didn't, something seemed to change in his expression and he took a powerful step forward, for such a little guy, and he shoved me roughly.
"Fuck you Gerard! If you wanted to get back with Amy then you should have made more of a fucking effort, then maybe she wouldn't have come on to me as a last fucking resort. You don't know anything about me!"
I opened my mouth and pointed my finger at him as though I was going to start going off again, but I just couldn't find the words. Because at that moment I realised what he had just said, "then maybe she wouldn't have come on to me as a last fucking resort."
Was that true?
There was only one way to find out, I had to ask him, but I wasn't going to be able to unless I stopped Frank because at that moment he turned around and began to walk off.
For a moment I thought he was just going to give me the finger and then just keep walking, but to my great surprise, he stopped and turned around, but he stayed firmly where he was, which just happened to be a good 10 meters away from me.
I rolled my eyes and made my way towards him, after all, I didn't want the near-by classrooms (which were now full of students as we had missed the start of class in the heat of the moment), to hear our argument.
"What did you - I mean - did you mean what you - what I'm trying to say is -"
I don't know why but I just couldn't find the right words to say. It was a simple question, all I had to say was, "what did you mean by that last sentence you said Frank, ol' chum?" But I had to admit, I was slightly intimidated.
Up until now, Frank had always been so nice to me, even though I still have no fucking idea why. Now that he had lost his temper and yelled at me, I felt slightly put out. Especially when I was standing merely inches away from him, side glancing nervously into his eyes, which were now filled with absolute fury.
Then, something seemed to change in his expression and he took a deep breath and lowered his shoulders as though he had just sighed out all the anger inside of him.
Man, I wish I could have that kind of self control. Darn him; add that one to the list.
"That came out all wrong," Frank said as he shook his head.
At least he wasn't yelling now, I still found myself unable to make full sentences though. What was it about this guy that made me feel socially retarded?
"It's none of my business what's going on between you two, but I just thought you should know, if you still like Amy, don't be mad at her, she only did it because she hoped it would make you jealous. She said something like, you hated me, so it was the only way to get your attention."
At Frank's words I felt millions of tiny thoughts flutter around rather ungracefully inside my head. They bumped and shoved past each other, slamming into my already aching brain as they did so. It gave me a headache.
The one thought that stumbled and hit the hardest though was, why was Frank kissing Amy back? Another good question, why did I care?
Amy was good looking, I often wondered what the hell I did to deserve her sometimes, I wouldn't really blame Frank for kissing her back. Yet, for some reason I didn't care why Amy did it, I only cared why Frank did it!
"Um right ..."
Brain failure again, it was all I could get out of my mouth. Even though now I felt a million more thoughts running through my head, each one simply saying "Gerard, you're a fucking idiot!"
Frank turned to go again and the moment he broke eye contact with me I somehow found my voice again.
"I-I don't hate you Frank," I called out rather stupidly.
He stopped again, turned and stared at me as though I was some sort of uncollected weirdo. I must admit, I was pretty scattered today.
"A-and, you know ... If you like Amy, then you can have her. I mean, you'd probably treat her better then I have anyway."
I couldn't believe the words had left my mouth, but they had and Frank just stared at me with raised eyebrows, clearly not believing what I had just said either.
It made sense though, it was clearly why Frank kissed Amy back, he liked her. It was fair enough, it's not his fault, you can't help who you like, right? I already knew me and Amy weren't going anywhere, so why should I keep them from being happy together just cause I was too fucking slow?
But then, Frank just shook his head and gave me a strange look. It was almost as though he was looking at me like I was some kind of, oh I dunno, some kind of moron!
I have no idea what that was about, but it was like he was waiting for me to notice that he had a giant cowboy hat with a bright green bird on top of it or something, he just looked so expectant, as though I should have figured something out.
When I continued to look confused he just sighed again.
"Well, thanks for the offer ... I guess. But I told you, she came on to me. I never was interested in her to begin with. She's really not my type, trust me."
With that, Frank finally managed to walk away from me; I didn't try to stop him this time. My head hurt for starters, secondly, I couldn't talk anymore, I was socially drained. The other problem was, I had no idea what the hell Frank meant by that last comment.
Did he think Amy was ugly? Did he think I had bad taste in girls? Why isn't she his type? He to good for her or something?
I swear that guy is the biggest fucking mystery in the whole world.
Wednesday, September 6th
It's funny how only a couple of days ago I had locked myself up in my room refusing to talk to anyone. Now, and I must admit that I have Frank to thank for this one, I'm so confused and distracted by my own wild thoughts and imagination that I've been going for walks and visiting Bert, Quinn and Ben regularly, just for the distraction.
Well done Frank, you're so fucking confusing that I can't stop thinking about you.
Is that bad? ... That I can't stop talking about Frank?
It's only because I can't figure him out though. But is that a good thing? Thinking about someone because you can't figure them out?
Oh shut up Gerard, stop asking yourself questions.
Oh shut up Gerard, stop telling yourself off.
Darn that Frank! I don't know what I preferred; hating him or this new found interest I have in figuring him out.
Thursday, September 7th
86 kg (grrrr, from where?), 4 beers (very good), 788 cigarettes (hmmm, weird sort of number), no of minutes spent thinking about Frank: too many to be healthy.
3 p.m. Well, today was another odd sort of day. I got a phone call from Mikey and at a decent hour I might add. Very odd indeed.
"Mikey? Did you forget to set your alarm for 6 a.m.? This is new for you, I like the change."
"Hey homi-Gee, what's shaken' bro? Get it ... homi-gee!'
"Yes Mikey, very clever. Believe it or not, I do get it."
"Cool, cool, wasn't sure if you'd rotted your brain away on all that study you've been doing. Oh man! Another great joke, I'm on a roll today. Do you get it Gee, cause you never study -"
"Yes Mikey! Thank you, I got that one to." Man that kid can be fucking frustrating. "So, um, just a question, is there any point to this phone call or do you just miss pissing me off?"
"Little of both really. But hey, what you doing this weekend?"
It was 2 p.m. when he called, on a fucking Thursday, who thinks about their weekend on a Thursday?
"No idea Mikes, it's too far away to think about."
"Gee, tomorrow is Friday. Which means tomorrow the weekend starts!"
"Exactly, it's a whole day away. Toooooooo far away."
"Whatever, well I'm taking that as you've got no plans as of yet, so keep it free."
"Why? You're not going to throw me another party are you, cause I don't think I could handle all that again."
I still have nightmares about chocolate sauce; that fantasy has officially been ruined for me.
"No Gee, no more parties. Gran actually rang me up the other day and asked if we wanted to go and stay with her this weekend. I figured it had been a while since we've been away, so I said we'd go. What do ya say?"
I didn't need to be convinced. Whilst hanging out with your grandma isn't exactly the coolest thing in the world for a college student to do, there was no way I would say no to a weekend away with our grandmother.
She wasn't like most other grandma's, simply put, she was cool. She listened to old, classic rock (yes, it's true) and even played the piano. And she didn't just play those old classical songs that anyone can play, I'm talking about the best songs, me and Mikey's favourite songs. She was the single most inspirational person in my life.
Plus, she cooked the best food, watched horror movies with us and best of all, she lived right by the beach.
Now, imagining me and my vampire-like appearance by the beach side is pretty hard to do but I usually only visited it at night. As kids, Mikey and I would always wait till everyone was in bed before we snuck out the bedroom window and spent the night lying in the sand, staring at the starry sky and black sea. For two Jersey raised kids, it was a real treat.
I have a sneaking suspicion that our grandma knew where we went, but she never yelled at us for sneaking off. It was safer then Jersey there and she liked to see us so free and happy.
"Yeah, you know what Mikes, that sounds awesome. I think it will be good to fucking get away from this place."
And now I find myself once again, eager for the weekend to arrive.
Let's just hope no car loads full of jocks turn up to crash our grandmas place. Although I actually think she probably wouldn't care all that much. She'd no doubt just bake them all some cookies.
Saturday, September 9th
89 kg (but will work it off at the beach, I'm sure), 0 alcohol (hard to drink at grandma's house considering she doesn't), 10 cigarettes (she doesn't know I smoke, so have to do it out the window, and I'm too lazy to be so sneaky so I just had to cut back), 0 joints (even though I'm sure our grandma did it once, I don't want her to see her grandson doing it.)
1 p.m. Grandma's house: Spare room. Last night I had what was quite possibly the best sleep I've ever had.
What is it about staying at a grandparents house that is just so fucking relaxing?
It's probably because they're slower; they appreciate everything a lot more and they just take everything as it comes. It's quite therapeutic really. That probably had something to do with why I felt so good here.
Then, of course, there was the gentle crashing of the waves that could be heard all night through the open bedroom window, the cool breeze just enough to help us sleep comfortably.
And, I also think that another contributing factor to my great sleep was the soothing sound of my brothers breathing.
I know, it sounds fucking lame, but Mikey and I haven't shared a room together since our last family vacation when I was 14. Sure, we'd had to sleep in the same room whenever he stayed at college with me, but those times didn't count, I was usually too drunk to ever notice his presence, or anyone else’s for that matter. Something about it all was very comforting.
So, I was in such a good mood this morning that when grandma suggested we have lunch on the beach I smiled and said, "sure thing nanna, that sounds awesome!"
Now I have a tan! Darn my stupid Italian heritage, my whole vampire look is ruined!
Sunday, September 10th
90 kg (argh! Darn grandma's cooking, am huge, my tight jeans don't fit), 0 alcohol (ahhhhhhhh!), 5 cigarettes (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh), 0 joints (am relaxed though I'll admit that ... still - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!).
8 p.m. Grandma's house: Spare room. My whole vampire look really is ruined! What have I done?
It's all my grandmas fault! Why can't I just say no to her?
So we were all just sitting around watching Saw II when she just looks towards me and smiles her charming smile. Trust her to be able to smile whilst people are being tortured on the screen.
"Gerard darling, your hair is terribly long. Why don't you let me cut it for you?"
"Because I like it like this nanna," I protested, twirling the end of it around my finger.
That was very feminine of me. Bad Gerard, bad! I'll just pretend I never did it ... I flexed my bulging biceps at her instead, showing off how good my hair went with them. There, much better.
"Please Gerard, I've been looking at some of those rock and roll bands you and Michael listen to, I know how to make it look hip and trendy enough for you to fit in with all your little friends."
Mikey and I stifled a laugh at out grandma's words. She really was something else.
"Come on Gee, you haven't had a cut in years. The shoulder length, girly style is like soooo out!" Mikey joined her in pressuring me.
"Okay fine," I said, finally giving in. I was on holiday after all.
Now, I have a much shorter, yet surprisingly well styled, hair cut and a fucking tan. Who is this guy in the mirror?
I don't even recognize myself anymore!
1 a.m. Am going to fucking kill Mikey!
We were just sitting around playing Cluedo, I swear it's the one and only game our grandma has ever owned, apart from dominoes and they get really old, really fast. So, we're sitting around playing this game when I look over to see my grandma smiling at me fondly.
"Oh Gerard, you look so handsome with your tan and your new hair cut, I'll bet all the girls will just hang off you when you get back to school."
I just found myself blushing slightly as I smiled back at her compliment, but it didn't last long as Mikey smirked at me smugly.
"I don't think it's the girls he's trying to impress anymore gran, he's moved on to play for the other team now, if you know what I mean."
I still can't believe my brother just said that so casually to our fucking grandmother!
Our sweet, old fashioned, not to mention religious, grandmother! If she knew what I had been up to at college, I'm sure she would have had a heart attack right then and there.
"Mikey, you fucking idiot!"
With that, I picked up the small metal dagger on the playing board and threw it at his head.
"Ow! Gran, Gerard threw a dagger at me!"
"That's because you can't keep your big fucking mouth shut!"
"Boys, boys, settle down," our grandma quickly called out, placing the offending dagger back onto the 2D kitchen on the board.
Mikey and I just slouched back in our chairs and crossed our arms across our chests as we glared at each other with a secret understanding that this argument was not over just yet.
"Now Gerard, I've told you before about swearing and Mikey, I'm warned you before about picking on your brother."
"Sorry Gran," Mikey said, looking down at the table rather guiltily.
"Sorry nanna," I followed soon after as she looked at me expectantly.
I swear she has more control over us then our parents do.
Eventually, we both uncrossed our arms and continued playing the game like nothing had ever happened. By the time the game finished I had almost forgotten all about our argument, mainly because it was past midnight and we were all exhausted.
"Well, that's it for me, night gran, see you in the morning," Mikey said as he kissed her on the check whilst I started packing up the game.
"Goodnight Mikey, sweet dreams."
When Mikey left the room, my grandma placed her hands on the table and stared at me. A typical sign that she wanted to talk to me.
"What's up nanna?"
"Gerard, I don't care what 'team' as Michael puts it, that you 'play' for. Just so long as you remember to raise my great grandchildren in a family filled with love. You hear me?"
Something about her smile made me stop myself from informing her that Mikey was just a fucking jerk and I wasn't gay or that I wasn't planning on giving her any great grandchildren for a very long time. I didn't need to explain myself though because she didn't seem to care, at all in fact.
I didn't have to clarify anything to her, she didn't really care if I was gay, straight or an alien from outta space, because, either way, she wasn't judging me.
For some reason, that made me happier, yet even more confused then ever before. What team did I play for?
"Night nanna. I love you," I decided on saying. The simple things are always easiest.
That was enough for her, she pulled me into a hug and ran a hand through my newly cropped hair. It felt slightly strange ... so fucking short and soft. Where is the grease?
"I love you to Gerard. Sleep well angel."
Monday, September 11th
91 kg (OH MY GOD!), 1/2 a flask of vodka, 700 cigarettes (weight stress, it's so fucking good to smoke again), 0 joints (although I think I'm high just from being around Bert and Quinn for so long, their body now sweats pot smoke).
2 p.m. College: My room. Well, being back at college isn't so bad, but to be honest I'd actually prefer to be back at grandma's place by the beach side. Who would have thought Gerard Way would have a secret love affair with the ocean? It's insane.
The good thing is though, I was actually missed.
As I pulled up back in the college parking lot and made my way towards my room and the internet that awaited me there, my grandma didn't have the internet and I missed it, I was surprised to see Bert and Quinn hanging out in the hallway, just outside their room, playing cards and smoking.
"Hit me!" Bert exclaimed, inspecting his cards.
Immediately Quinn leant forward over the cards and slapped Bert across the face, causing the cigarette that had been bouncing around in between his lips to fly out and onto the floor.
"Oh man, that's like what, the twelfth time you've done that and I still never see it coming," Bert laughed hysterically as he high-fived Quinn for slapping him.
"Hey guys, what you doing?" I asked as I passed by them both.
"Oh my god, Gerard? Where have you been?" Bert questioned as he stared at me strangely.
"Yeah, we fucking missed you buddy," Quinn added, looking him up and down.
"You look different. Hair cut ... and a tan. You look fucking hot!" Bert exclaimed loudly whilst Quinn nodded in agreement.
I couldn't help smiling. I mean, everyone loves getting compliments, no matter who they're from.
"Uh, thanks guys. But, what the hell are you doing in the hall? Can't you play cards in your own room?"
"Na, the place is too fucking messy, no floor space left," Quinn replied, as he tossed his cards to the ground as though bored with them now that I was there.
"Err, you know, you could try cleaning it."
Stupid suggestion. I couldn't imagine the two of them cleaning anything.
"Good one Gee, you're such a joker." Bert just laughed as he to threw his cards down and then stretched out his back.
"Lets fucking go out somewhere, I'm sick of this place today," Quinn announced.
It amazed me how many random thoughts must just float around inside their smoky heads.
"Yes! Movies, movies, movies!"
I almost jumped back in fright at Bert's excitement.
"Hell yeah! I haven't been to the movies in ages. Gee you in?"
Even though I'd only just got home, I had to say yes, they looked so expectant, like two excited little children. I didn't have the heart to disappoint them.
"Yeah, I'm in. Just let me get changed."
"Cool," Bert cheered. "Can I watch?"
"Just kidding Gee. See you at my car in 15 minutes."
With that, I saw them struggle to push open their bedroom door, they weren't kidding, the place was a war zone, before I wearily headed into my own room to get changed.
I'm fairly exhausted, but I won’t deny, the movies sound like fun at the moment.
9 p.m. Turns out the movies wasn't as fun as I had expected. When I arrived at Bert's car I was surprised to see some random chick hanging around with the two of them.
Her name was Gertrude and she was as ugly as her fucking name. And that's almost a compliment!
She was holding onto Quinn's hand for dear life as though afraid if she let go, even for a second, he would run off. I wouldn't blame him if he did.
Anyway, it turns out that she was Quinn's date for the evening. It also turns out that I was Bert's.
Oh how I just love the fact that I ended up on a double date without even realizing it, surely one of them could have fucking given me some sort of heads up.
I was a little put off by the whole thing, so was too distracted to really pick or even notice what movie we had walked into.
The next thing I know Quinn and Gertrude are making out, disgustingly inhuman noises emitting from the two of them. Meanwhile, I was sitting next to Bert who had reached into his cargo pants pocket and pulled out a flask.
"You brought alcohol into a picture theatre?" I questioned him, as the irresistible smell of vodka reached my nose.
"Yeah, course I did."
"That's so classy." I was so impressed, why do I never think of these things?
I'm lucky Bert's such a good friend, cause he was more then willing to share the contents of his flask with me.
Now I still can't even tell you what fucking movie we saw because just as I was trying to get into it, the next thing I know Bert's hand is slowly making it's way up my thigh and it was headed straight towards my -
"Oh fuck!" I let out a little to loudly as Bert grabbed me and simply laughed out loud at my reaction.
I don't know what the hell happened, all I know is that one minute I was pretending I was interested in the movie, the next I have Bert in my lap, making out with me as one of his hands made it's way underneath the waistline of my jeans.
It was then I felt a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach. This wasn't what I wanted anymore, the novelty had worn off.
For some reason my grandmothers words were running around in my head. Of all the fucking moments, it had to be when I was doing something dirty! Fuck!
But anyway, it was then I realised that I didn't just want to fuck around with someone for the rest of my life; I actually wanted to be in a relationship. I actually wanted to be in love with someone ... is that wrong? My god! I'm officially turning into a fucking girl!
Oh well, girl or not, I didn't love Bert and he certainly didn't love me.
Screw the fact that he's a guy, it's time to face facts, the relationship was doomed to begin with. It doesn’t matter that if I'm interested in boys or girls, its time I respected myself enough to realize I deserved someone that really cared about me.
Only problem is, does anyone care about me?
Somehow I managed to get Bert to calm himself down and get off me; I fed him some crack pot story about how I didn't want to get a hand job in a movie theatre filled with people. Guess I'm still male in that sense though, because it was a complete lie, I really wouldn't have minded. In fact, I would have loved it, perhaps if it had of been with someone else though.
We spent the rest of the movie drinking from his flask in silence.
I think, deep down that, clueless Bert actually understood that our little fling, or whatever the fuck we've had for the past year, was officially over, because he seemed pretty distant on the ride back to college.
As soon as we pulled up in the parking lot, I quickly said goodnight and headed back to my room before anything else could happen.
Now I'm lying here alone, wondering if I will ever truly find that someone I can be happy with.
Friday, September 15th
89 kg (finally coming back down again, I can make faces in my stomach it's grown that much), 5 beers (they're the one thing that never let me down), 78 cigarettes (meh, couldn't really be bothered smoking today), 0 joints (avoiding Bert for now).
Noon. College: My room. I don't know why, but I've been feeling a little bummed out lately.
That sense of loneliness is washing over me again and I don't even have Amy to hang around with to make me feel like there is still some hope for my future. In fact, I haven't even seen her since I caught her locking lips with Frank.
Speaking of Frank, I haven't seen him since that day in the hallways outside the science labs; it seems everyone is abandoning me.
6 p.m. It seems like someone up stairs is actually taking very good care of me at the moment. Every time I'm feeling particularly shitty this month, something comes along to make me feel better.
Just as I was feeling particularly miserable and lonely, my phone started ringing. And I was absolutely stunned to see that it was grandma's home number flashing on the screen.
"Nanna? What's up?"
"Plenty of things are up Gerard; it's my favouite place to look sometimes. But if you're in fact asking me how I am, then the answer is never better."
So the next thing I know I find my grandma asking me question after question about my life at the moment, it seems she needed to know every little detail. And, I actually told her pretty much anything and everything. It was nice to have someone other then Mikey to be able to talk to. I mean, I value my brother’s opinion and all, but it was nice to hear things from a ladies point of view.
"...And that's it nanna, I think you're pretty much caught up. Sarah wont go out with me, I have no idea who her friend is that apparently has a thing for me, I have some secret admirer and I'm still not entirely sure of their identity, Amy is messing with my head and this guy Frank is just as bloody confusing."
I heard my grandma's small chuckle on the other end as she clearly tried to process everything.
"Well Gerard, I must say, this Frank fellow sounds like a nice young man. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
I just laughed. Grandma clearly missed the point, she was getting old after all.
"Erm, nanna, I think you're missing the point. You know, Mikey can over exaggerate sometimes. I don't like Frank, at least not in that way."
"Oh of course you don't dear. But I want you to always remember Gerard; love is the most important thing in the world. You don't have to justify it or explain it to anyone. It's the one thing in life that is truly yours, but if you're lucky, you'll get to share that exact same love with one other person. One other person that will always be there for you until the end of days. This person could be a lover, a brother, a friend, a boy or a girl, it doesn't matter, you understand?"
I just sat there, holding the phone to my ear thinking about what she had said.
Grandma always spoke to Mikey and I like this, she always had something deep and thoughtful to say. Yet, why was she all of a sudden calling me and wanting to know every single detail of my life. Why had she invited us over every out of the blue? Why was she so set on making me feel happy?
"Nanna, is anything wrong?"
"What? Why do you ask Gerard?"
"I dunno, I guess I'm just surprised you called."
"I don't need an excuse to call my two favourite grandsons Gerard."
"No, of course you don't. I was just checking, you know, that everything was alright."
"Never better dear. Now I must get going. But remember Gerard, I will always love you."
"I know nanna. Always love you to."
See, such a fucking girl! What's happening to me?
Still, grandma seemed fairly satisfied by that stage cause she said one last goodbye and the conversation ended.
Now I'm lying here with a smile on my face again because it's good to have family to talk to. So what if I never find my one true love, I should be grateful I at least have family who will always love me.
Tuesday, September 19th
Someone upstairs must fucking hate me! I'm on my way to my parent’s house, completely and totally numb.
Mikey rang this morning and I felt my breath catch in my throat when I heard him sobbing into the phone. I hadn't seen or heard my brother cry since he was seven and I accidentally ran over his foot with my bike. Okay, it was on purpose, but he ate the last cookie and he deserved it!
"Mikes, what's wrong bro?"
"Gee ... you've got to come home."
"What? Why? What's happened?"
"It's gran ... s-she's dead."
Friday, September 22nd
82 kg (don't feel like eating), 1 bottle of vodka (big mistake), 1000 cigarettes (maybe even more), 0 joints (but man I fucking need one).
Unknown time. Jersey: My basement. I've spent the past few days locked up in the basement of my parent’s house with my little brother Mikey. He seems to be the only person that I find myself wanting to be around at the moment. I had a huge fight with my parents and I'm not about to apologize to them just yet.
How could they not tell me and Mikey that our grandmother was sick?
I would never have left her side. I would have been over at her house every single fucking weekend. I would have spoken to her on the phone every fucking night. I would have fucking said a proper goodbye!
"She didn't want to make a fuss Gerard. She knew how emotional you both get, she didn't want you to worry," Mum and Dad tried to explain to me as I paced around the lounge room in a terrible rage whilst Mikey sat at the dinning table with his head in his hands.
"But, you should have told us. We had the right to know."
"Oh don't be so selfish Gerard! My mother has just died; it's hard on all of us you know."
Sure, I know my Mum was right, everyone was just grieving in their own way, yet I was just in such a state of self-loathing that I wasn't by my grandma's side when she died that her words just fell on deaf ears.
After I yelled at them some more I grabbed Mikey and headed downstairs to my basement and that's where we've stayed, curled up on my bed, trying to talk about all the good things we remember about our grandma.
"She rang me Mikey, just the other night. I could tell something was wrong. She just said all the right things, making sure I was okay before she left."
"Apparently she was sick for a while Gee, she just really didn't want us to know. She called me last night as well; trust her to go out that way, getting everything out of the way like that. She was always so organized, she knew exactly what she wanted. I'm glad we got to talk to her before she went."
Now, Mikey's smiling again because we both know she lived a good life.
I'm smiling for Mikey, but on the inside, I feel like a piece of me has just been ruthlessly ripped out. I have a sneaking suspicion it's my heart.
Saturday, September 23rd
Weightless (no scales here), 0 alcohol (but I'm sure there's still some in my system), 0 cigarettes (darn hospitals), 0 joints (what are the odds of finding one in a hospital, it's medicinal isn't it?), no. of things I regret doing: 1.
Noonish. Jersey: Hospital. You'll never guess where I am; well maybe you will considering I've already written it ... that's right, the hospital. I feel like such an emotional fuck head at the moment.
Here I am, lying in a hospital bed, my brother sitting in a chair by my side, his dirty shoes propped up on the clean white sheets as he hums the tune to some song I couldn't quite put my finger on. Oh, and he's still text messaging someone. When I asked if it was Alicia he just nodded, but somehow I think he's lying.
Okay, so this isn't what it looks like, least I like to think it's not.
Where to start?
Um, well last night as Mikey and I were talking to one another under the sanctuary of my blankets, Mum and Dad suddenly came barging into the basement so they could "borrow", as they so nicely put it, Mikey.
I think they just wanted to make sure he was alright as he was taking the news about our grandma pretty badly.
But I had already done that for them, my first priority was making sure he was alright. I finally had him telling stories and smiling about what a great life grandma lived, little did I realize that Mikey didn't really need me, it was I who needed him.
The moment he left the room I suddenly felt like I was the only person left on earth and there was no hope left for me.
That was it; I was going to die alone.
I got up out of bed and searched my room until I found an old bottle of vodka at the back of my wardrobe. I don't know why I keep storing it there, I'm 22 now, I don't have to hide the fact that I drink from my parents, guess its just out of habit more then anything.
When Mikey still hadn't returned and the bottle was almost empty, I did the most stupidest thing I could ever have done. I went into the adjacent bathroom and opened up my medicine cupboard to reveal an old packet of prescription pain killers I had from when I had that stupid rotting tooth.
I grabbed them and took quite a few, I didn't really count.
By the time Mikey made it back to my room I was lying on my bed struggling to stay awake.
"You alright Gee? Did you drink all of this?" he waved the bottle of vodka in front of me looking slightly concerned as I was actually struggling to keep my head up.
"Mike ... I called the cat about a couple of times by now and he still won’t come to me," I can still remember babbling as I pointed towards the pillow that was lying just out of arms reach.
"Gee, we don't have a cat, that's your pillow. What's wrong with you?"
It was then that I saw my brothers face drop as he noticed the packet of pain killers next to me, he ran at me and I only just managed to hear him call out to my parents before I completely blacked out.
Next thing I know I'm at the hospital with a dozen nurses smiling at my kindly even as I threw up all over them and myself.
"That's good; you just keep throwing up if you can."
At first I thought it was the strangest thing I had ever heard but now that I'm awake and sober I realize it was just so I could get all the stupid pills out of my system. Apparently it was a good thing I was such a terrific spewer because I didn't even need to get my stomach pumped by the end of it.
My parents were furious, but I guess, in the end, they were just happy that I was okay. Still, they had funeral arrangements to attend to, so they couldn't stay with me for long.
Mikey, on the other hand, hasn't left my side since I got here. I think he's afraid I'll do it all again if he leaves for even a second.
So there he sits, texting on his phone, his tongue sticking out between his teeth as he concentrates. We shouldn't be here. I hate hospitals, we both do.
"Hey Mikes, I'm sorry I scared you like that bro. It was really stupid thing for me to do. I-I just felt so alone."
Mikey looked up from his phone to smile at me sadly.
"It's okay Gee. I'm not leaving you again. But ... just promise me bro, that no matter how tough life gets, you wont leave me. I don't think I'd know what to do without you."
I just stared at my brother trying not to cry. I just couldn't think of anything more to say.
"You can always play The Sims Mikey ... it will help pass the time. And you'd be surprised how much time actually does pass when you're playing it."
He nodded at me furiously.
"Oh, I know, that game is the devil in cd-rom form."
We both smiled at each other.
"Mikes, I'm not going anywhere."
"I know you're not Gee. Cause I wont let you."
Tuesday, September 26th
It was our grandma's funeral today. One good thing about funerals, I never have to worry about what to wear, everything I own is practically black anyway.
Still, it was a sad day; the only thing that kept me going was that I'm going back to college tomorrow. I don't know why that makes me so happy, guess I just really want to get away from this place.
We've had family staying at our house all week and events such as this really just remind me how much I can't stand even my own family sometimes.
I swear that some of my cousins are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. It offends me to think I'm related to them.
Maybe Mikey and I were adopted ... guess I can only hope.
Wednesday, September, 27th
80 kg (woah, my goal wait. I should celebrate, throw a fucking party or something ... na, not in the mood), 7 beers (you think I would have learnt my lesson, apparently not), 78 cigarettes (meh), 0 joints.
It made me sad to leave Mikey this morning. I wish I could have just bought him with me. But he needs time to himself to I guess.
It's been an emotionally draining few days. Mikey has been watching me so closely these past few days, I feel bad for scaring him and making him worry, so I said a goodbye that assured him I would see him soon.
"See ya Mikes. I'll see you next weekend when you come to visit me, okay?"
"Yeah, of course you will. Hey Gee, you'll be alright wont you?"
"Always am Mikes."
With that I pulled him into a hug and got into my car.
The moment I pulled out of the drive way I was relieved to be away from the depressingly miserable atmosphere that had fallen over our house at the death of our grandma, but it still didn't stop me feeling my own sense of misery that I wasn't going to have Mikey to talk to.
In fact, the moment I got back to college I realised I had no one to talk to.
Bert and Quinn approached me asking where I'd been. For some reason I didn't bother mentioning why I had been gone, I just didn't want to talk about it with them. I needed them to act normal around me, not feeling sorry for me. I'm grateful for their unfalteringly happy personalities, but it sort of made me feel even more alone that I didn't tell them.
Ben knew though. He knew because he had tried to call me to see where I was. He said the usual "sorry to hear about your loss" and sat with me through lunch, but then I excused myself from his company as I claimed I was tired.
It wasn't true; I just wanted to be alone.
And now, here I sit, in my room, all on my own, just like I wanted.
It's not all its cracked up to be.
11 p.m. You know, Mikey was right, The Sims really is the devil himself. I've just been numbly sitting here playing with this perfect little family I made. Next thing I know hours have gone by and I've got nothing but a promotion and an extension to my house to show for it.
1 a.m. Still playing. Makes me feel less alone. I miss Mikey.
Saturday, September 30th
10 a.m. College: My room. Have just woken up from a rather pleasant sleep and feel pretty good, despite the fact that I have a killer hang over. And, I'm really surprised to find that I'm alone once again this morning, because, I actually had company last night!
And no, I'm not talking about Mikey. He called early Friday morning to let me know he couldn't make it this weekend. He wanted to, but he had too much homework and Mum has him under strict house arrest until it's done.
So there I was, preparing myself for a lonely weekend.
Ben turned up at my door but I simply told him I was just going to sleep. He smiled kindly, but looked slightly worried. I knew I should have just let him hang out with me, but I really didn't feel like talking to anyone.
Like any lonely Friday night I just sat there on my bed, this time watching Batman on Mikey's (which has now officially become mine) portable DVD player whilst drowning my sorrows in a bottle of vodka.
The more I drank the more miserable and lonely I felt.
Mikey was messaging me all night, keeping me updated on how much fun his homework was, in the end I stopped writing back, I just couldn't find the strength to do it anymore.
By that stage, everything just hit me like a tone of fucking anvils.
I missed my grandma, I missed my brother, I just wanted to sleep and not ever wake up.
I was so drunk I didn't even notice I was crying and at that moment, as I skulled another large amount of the burning liquid in my hand, there was a knock on my door.
"Gerard? If you're in there, can I come in?"
Because it wasn't Ben's voice, it wasn't Quinn's voice and it certainly wasn't Bert's voice.
I just sat there, tears in my eyes, an almost empty bottle of vodka sloshing around in my hand and Jim Carrey's, The Riddler, laughing out hysterically from the DVD player in front of me. To the person that had just entered my room, I must have looked a pretty pathetic site, especially considering, and I won’t lie, the person now standing by my door looked so darn good.
I swear it was the alcohol talking, because at my door was the last person I expected to see.
It was Frank.
He shut the door behind him and just ran a hand through his perfectly styled hair looking a little nervous as though he wasn't quite sure what he had just walked into. There was an odd sort of silence as he smiled shyly at me.
"What you watching?" he asked, finally speaking after I let out a particularly pathetic sounding sob.
"My favourite one. I love Tim Burton. Um, can I join you?"
I just nodded my head as I shuffled across on the bed so that there was enough room for Frank to sit down and get a good enough view of the movie.
We must have sat there in silence for a good half hour. I was barely watching the movie though, I was to busy staring at Frank.
What the hell was he doing here? In my room? Watching Batman, with me?
Was I that drunk that I was hallucinating?
"Frank ... are you really here?"
Yes, I actually said that. I'm an idiot, I know. But I was drunk, you have to remember that.
At that moment I just reached over and poked him in the side as I spoke, just to give myself some extra evidence that this was in fact a real person sitting next to me.
Frank just giggled as I poked him, before rubbing his side as though I had hurt him.
"Yeah Gerard, I'm really here. Heard you were feeling a bit down and thought you'd like some company."
Now, at the time I was drunk, so his words didn't quite register. But looking back, I have to wonder, how the hell he had heard that I was feeling down? Who would have told him?
The only person, other then my family, that knew about anything, was Ben and he didn't talk to Frank.
Nothing else was said, we fell into silence again. And I just continued to stare at Frank as he giggled every time The Riddler said something particularly funny. I just didn't understand this guy, at all!
"Yeah Gerard?" Frank asked, clearly getting used to my little interruptions.
"Um, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the corridor the other day."
He smiled at me before turning back towards the movie again. I got the feeling he didn't want to talk, so I shut my mouth. Then he turned and smiled cheekily at me.
"But hey, I meant to ask. Do you really think I'm good looking?"
I looked up at him in surprise, trying to remember if I had said that in our little fight in the corridor so many weeks ago. I didn't want to answer so I just took another nervous sip of the vodka in my hand before I drunkenly found other words to say.
"I think the pink belt suits you."
Frank just laughed as he lifted up his shirt enough to reveal the waistline of his jeans.
He was wearing the pink belt!
...But that wasn't all I could see, as he lifted his shirt I got a good flash of the lower part of his stomach. This guy was covered in tattoos! I just stared at them in amazement, wondering what they all meant.
"Wore it just for you," Frank interrupted my drunkenly wondering mind. "And, by the way, the new hair cut seriously kicks ass!"
Frank reached out and pulled gently on the end of my hair for effect. I just groaned at the odd sensation. It still felt weird that his hand was tugging at hair near my ear rather then hair that reached almost passed my shoulders. I was never going to get used to this new look.
Still smiling, Frank's attention once again left me and returned back to Batman. And yes, I kept watching him. I know, it's fucking pathetic, but the guy was just so darn interesting. At that moment he was moving his lips to the exact words that Two Face was saying to Batman. To my drunken attention span it was so funny to watch him get so into the different characters that I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
At that moment I felt that odd feeling in my stomach again and the words I had been about to say to Frank disappeared from my throat. I couldn't talk.
Darn him, how did he always manage to do that to me?
Instead I just returned to the movie and we both remained silent for the rest of the feature, my tears, misery and loneliness completely forgotten about as Frank got more comfortable on my bed and I realised that I wasn't all alone tonight.
Yet, when the movie came to an end, I could hardly keep my eyes open and Frank seemed to notice because he got up, stretched his back and put the DVD player away for me.
"Well, I'll let you get some sleep Gerard. Thanks for letting me watch the movie with you."
He quickly turned to leave and the next thing I knew I had my hand on his wrist and I'm pulling him back, preventing him from leaving. He just looked at me in confusion.
"Frank ... can you stay? Just for a little bit longer?"
Looking back, I'm such a fucking idiot!
Frank bit his lip nervously as he looked at me as though my words had somehow offended him deeply. What the fuck?
"Um - I really should probably go," he said, still playing with that darn lip ring.
I'm such an idiot! Like Frank would really want to fucking stay with me until I fell asleep. So stupid.
Yet, I must have looked pretty pathetic because Frank’s facial expression suddenly changed and he let out a heavy sigh.
"Alright Gerard. I'll stay a little bit longer."
And as far as I know, he actually did stay with me until I fell asleep. Maybe even longer, I don't know. All I know is he's not here now, he must have taken off as soon as I had passed out, probably glad to get away from me.
Still, I don't regret asking him to stay; his company helped me live through another night.
Yet, I still don't understand. How the hell did he know to come check up on me just at the right time?
What is going on?
Well done Frank, once again you're so god damned confusing that you distract me from all other thoughts. Sure, I've lost my grandmother, but somehow, and I still don't even know how, I've gained Frank. But, what is he to me exactly? A friend? Something just feels different when I'm with him though; it's not like hanging out with Ben or Bert and Quinn.
Who is Frank Iero? What is Frank Iero?
AN:I'm sorry. I had a terrible week and this is what happened. I just thought that the story was too funny, LOL! It needed something heart felt. I still put the odd jokes in here and there but I hope you all really felt the moment.
Look how quickly I updated. I'm so good :D Thank you all for the lovely reviews. You really made me smile this week xxx