What have I done? You're neighbours crazy, I just need time, Stalker and you're a good brother.
WARNINGS: Don't drink this much, don't smoke this much ... ever! Violence, swearing, sexy boys, pedophilia (or however you spell it) and that's about it.
Chapter Thirteen: December - Till death do us part (Part One)
Friday, December 1st
88 kg (am going on a serious diet before Christmas shit), 5 beers (what else is there to do during the holidays), 19 cigarettes (trying to quit - ha ha ha!), 0 joints (where is Bert?), no. of times have replayed that fateful night of the Halloween party: 7, 000 (bad, very bad).
Early Morning. New Jersey: My Basement. All I can say is thank god for college break. After thoroughly humiliating myself at the late Halloween party I feel that it's safer if I never, and I mean NEVER leave the house again.
I'm just going to sit here, for ever and ever, wallowing away in self pity, wondering what the fuck my mother snorted when I was in her stomach to make me so fucking retarded. Because I am ... that's really the only explanation I could come up with. That and the one Mikey has for me every single day I wake up and ask him the same question...
"Mikey, what's wrong with me?"
"I don't know Gee. My guess is ... a fucking lot!"
See, that's the other thing that's bothering me. Even though my brother took it upon himself to stick up for me and send Frank away on that fateful evening last weekend, I can't help but feel he is really pissed off at me.
Oh fuck it, why wouldn't he be? Him and Frank we're friends. Now what? Did I ruin that friendship because I still can't figure out what I fucking want?
To make matters worse, since that evening that I so heartlessly pushed Frank away, I can't stop fucking thinking about him.
I even went back to college the other day, just for something to do. I wondered the halls aimlessly wondering where I was and why I was there. Secretly, I hoped that he would be there.
I can't stop wondering where he is right now. Is he in Jersey? Did he stay at college for the holidays?
I can't stop wondering what he's doing right now. Drinking coffee maybe? Partying it up with his cousins? Lying in bed wondering what the fuck my mother smoked when she was pregnant with me? Perhaps he plays water-polo, maybe he's a professional ice-skater.
If I can't stop fucking thinking about him then why did I stuff everything up?!?
Anyway, none of that matters anymore. If I figure out tomorrow that I want to be with him, that I'm finally ready to be with him, what then? It's not like it's going to make any difference. It's too late now, I've ruined everything. If I was Frank, I wouldn't give me a second chance. I'm a dysfunctional, insecure dumb-ass.
If my own brother is getting sick of me and my stupid little insecurities, my own flesh and blood, what chance do I have again with Frank?
Sunday, December 3rd
89 kg (FUCK! This is the worst season of the year to be fat, so much food coming up, I'm expected to eat. I'm going to be fucking huge!), 9 beers (drinking away fat), 98 (smoking away fat), 0 joints (hmmmm!).
2 p.m. I'm beginning to feel slightly pathetic.
My mobile rang today. I practically had a heart attack with the rate my heart started slamming itself against my chest. Because, naturally, I thought it would be Frank.
Fucking stupid. Why would he be the one to call me? He's given up on you! Get over it!
Anyway, turned out to be Bert. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. I think he noticed to.
"GEEEEEEEEE! What up brother?"
"Oh ... Bert, it's you."
"Well fuck me dead, don't get too excited or anything."
"Sorry ... Where the hell have you been anyway?"
Once again I had been too caught up in my own life to notice he and Quinn had been missing for almost a month.
"Took holidays early, couldn't be bothered learning. So anyway, I have a party on Tuesday night -"
"Oh yeah, what's the occasion?"
"Occasion? Since when do I ever have an occasion? You remember where I live right? Just come around whenever -"
"WE'RE GONNA GET WASTED!" a voice, that I could only presume was Quinn's, shouted to me from the background.
"Big shock there."
"I know right! Quinn's practically peeing his pants in excitement. So anyway, we'll see you here on Tuesday ... right?"
I had to admit, Bert's last words threw me off a bit. It was the first time I had heard him sound slightly unsure of himself. As though he was genuinely uncertain if I would turn up or not. I promised I'd be there and with that I hung up the phone.
Then I spent the next hour just staring at my phone as though hoping it would ring again, only this time, I would hear another voice on the other end.
"For crying out loud! You can fucking call him you know - big fucking girl!" Mikey shouted out as he walked past me for about the hundredth time only to discover my eyes were still transfixed on the mobile.
He continued muttering under his breath as he went about making a coffee.
"Staring at the fucking phone - just pick it up and dial - but nooooo, too fucking stubborn for that - idiot - don't even know what you fucking nearly had - moron - retard - weirdo - so not related - dropped on his head -"
"MIKEY I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU!" I finally snapped, pushing my phone onto the floor so I couldn't see it anymore. "Make me a coffee."
Late night. New Jersey: My Basement. I've got to admit though, the prospect of alcohol at Bert's party is inviting. Maybe I'll get so wasted I'll simply kill all the brain cells that have any memory of Frank, that way I can stop fucking thinking about him long enough to sleep.
Darn him and that pink belt.
Why did he have to like me?
Wednesday, December 6th
85 kg (safe to say I walked it all off yesterday), 0 beers (can't be assed getting up and getting one), 2 cigarettes (I burnt a hole in Mikey's sheets and then decided it was probably best if I left it for now), 0 joints (I think I've finally quit).
Noon. New Jersey: Mikey's room. I'm lying here, my head swarming with memories of the party last night wondering where the fuck my brother is when I need him.
I need to speak to him, I need to tell him everything that happened. My breakthrough, followed by me following up on that breakthrough which therefore resulted in the death of my breakthrough.
But still, he's the smart one in the family, maybe he can find some hidden message or clue that I overlooked. Like Tin Tin ... only with glasses and no little white dog. Snowy ... how unoriginal.
Writing it down helps, so that's what I'm going to do. If only to bide the time till Mikey gets back ... where the hell is that kid?
So anyway, yesterday started like any other day, me lying in bed, moping and complaining about how I single-handedly ruin my own life over and over again. That was until my mum appeared.
"Knock knock sweaty."
It really bugs me how she doesn't actually knock and wait for an invitation like normal people, she just walks right on in announcing the words 'knock knock' as though that makes it all okay. Fucking parents.
"God mum, what is it? I could have had my hands down my pants or anything!"
"Oh darling, that's just silly."
Yeah, real silly. Doesn't she know I'm lonely and sexually frustrated?!?
"Was there something you wanted mum?"
"I was just going to see if you wanted to help me bake some cookies today, you can even take them to that little party of yours tonight."
MY GOD! Is she that clueless? Does she think a bunch of 22 year olds, one that looks like a life-long drug dealer (Bert), are going to sit around, hold hands and eat cookies that don't have hash in them!
Okay, I'll admit. Cookies sounded good ... but holding hands didn't! Neither did cooking.
"I don't want to cook mum."
"Come on darling, you've been cooped up in this smelly room for days now. Come and help me make something."
"I don't want to."
"What's wrong darling? Girl troubles?"
"Cause you know dear, I am a girl, I can give you some advice if you need it."
"It's not girl troubles mum."
"Are you sure? You look like you've caught the love bug -"
"MUM! I DON'T HAVE THE LOVE BUG AND I DON'T WANT TO HELP YOU BAKE COOKIES!"
"Well, somebody’s a little cranky," with that she left me alone and in a fowler mood then before.
Not having anything else to do, I got up, got dressed and headed over to Bert's.
It was nice to see that some things never really changed. Here I was, desperately thinking over how Frank and I had gone from being enemies to having secret crushes on one another whilst Bert and Quinn still sat in their little oblivious lives full of pot, alcohol and pills.
My secret get away, where everything was simple. I certainly needed it that night.
Yet, as I was passed my fourth beer and offered a joint, I suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of loneliness. Sure, I was surrounded by friends and grog but there was definitely something missing, and I knew what that something was. Or rather, who that something was.
"Gee, I need to talk to you," Bert suddenly said, breaking through my thoughts.
"You do? Really? About what?"
"Erm, come with me," he instructed. And to my great surprise, he took me by the hand and led me into a different room to Quinn and their other stoned friends.
"Bert? Everything alright?" I asked, unable to stand it any longer.
"I need you Gee, why'd things have to change between us," he suddenly blurted out before I could even brace myself.
"Wait a minute ... What?"
"What don't you get? I said I need you, I want you and me to go back to being ... well, whatever you and me were before."
The seriousness in his voice scared me. Or maybe it was the seriousness mixed in with his usual stoned smile that scared me. I dunno, but it was something.
"I don't even know what you and me were before Bert. Fuck buddies? Without the fucking. Make-out buddies maybe ... you want us to go back to that?" I asked, feeling slightly confused.
"Yes, it was fun, we had fun. No attachments, it was just some innocent messing around. Why'd that have to change anyway?"
Bert was being genuine, I couldn't believe it. The worst part was, what he proposed was all I really even wanted. Why? Because it was fucking simple. No responsibilities. I could have a hundred girl friends or boy friends, or whatever the hell I was into, on the side and Bert would still be happy, so long as we got to make-out and mess around with each other every now and then.
It was the perfect relationship for a comit-a-phobe like me. No insecurities, because there would be no need for any because there would be no real attachments.
Yet, as great as it sounded to have that all back again, I didn't feel the same way about Bert anymore. I had changed too much lately; I had grown up without even realising it. I wanted something real.
And it was then that I looked away from Bert as my mind wondered to that small punk-like kid with the pink belt and outrageous hair-style.
It was then, that all I could think about was Frank.
"I'm sorry Bert ... I don't think I can do that again. There's someone else."
My words came out before I really knew I had my mouth open. They appeared to hit Bert hard, he looked crushed.
Still, Bert was Bert and after a few moments the look faded to be replaced by his usual dopey grin. It was as though he had never suggested the proposition at all, it was as though he had never been rejected by me. It was as though the past few moments had never happened.
"Well, what are we waiting for? Lets go get wasted," he announced, startling me by standing up and dragging me back out of the room.
I felt bad for him, but only because he was such a good friend and it killed me to shut him down like that. But in the long run, I was doing both of us a favour. We had messed around long enough, we were 22, it was getting old.
A few more beers later and I couldn't sit still. My drunken mind was racing, questions bouncing around more chaotically then a group of eight year olds on a jumping castle. Questions all about Frank.
Why did he like me in the first place? Does he still like me after he's finally realised how unstable I am? Have I ruined my chances? Do I like him back or is this just another stupid experiment? Am I fucking gay? Does that even matter?
I was so busy in my own thoughts I didn't even notice when Quinn came to sit next to me, bumping into me every so often as he swayed drunkenly on the spot.
"Hey, hey there, Gee-bear. He, he, he, get it - it rhymes. You look distracted? Need another beer?" he asked, even though he could already see I still had over half a bottle of beer in my hand.
"Na ... I - I actually think that I'm going to go," I announced, my twisted thoughts suddenly merging together to come to one crazy solution.
Had I been sober, I probably would have tried to stop myself, but my mind was already made up. Which actually wasn't such a bad thing. Sometimes alcohol could give you some sort of fantastic drunken confidence.
"You're going? But it's not even dark yet," Quinn slurred, pointing to the ceiling.
I stood up, sculling the rest of my beer as I watched Quinn tumble to the ground, unable to support himself now that he didn't have me to lean against.
"I know it's early. But if I leave it any longer, I'll be too drunk to go anywhere," I announced, a great sense of urgency about me. I had a plan ... finally.
"Well if I don't see you again soon, keep truckin', I guess," he muttered, burying his head in his arms and closing his eyes. It was clear he was done for the night anyway, and I didn't particularly want to hang out with Bert.
Not waiting another moment, I grabbed my jacket (and another beer for the road) before sneaking out of the house. I didn't want to have to explain to everyone where I was headed.
I was about five minutes down the road before I realised that I had no idea where I was going. Pulling out my phone, I hoped to god Mikey knew the answer to my question.
"Gee, what's up?" he asked, finally answering the phone after what felt like a thousand rings.
"Mikey, I need to know where Frank lives," I demanded, trying to get my bearings as I took another sip of my beer.
"You what? Why?"
"Come on Mikey, just tell me his address," I pleaded; I really didn't want to have to explain myself to him.
"Tell me why you want it first."
I took a deep breath.
"Because I'm going to go over there and tell him what a dick head I've been. And explain to him that I was exposed to radiation for a long period of time when I was little; hence why I'm such a fucked up idiot!"
"Hmmm, nice. How did you become so good at making up lies?" Mikey asked, clearly impressed by the drunken excuse I had just come up with.
"I don't get out much, remember."
"Oh yeah. But seriously Gee ... you sound drunk. Didn't you learn anything from last time? Maybe you should wait until you sober up," he advised, just like a brother should.
"But Mikes, you know me better then anyone. If I don't do it now under the confidence of alcohol, I will never do it. Please, just tell me where he lives."
Something in my voice must have finally broken Mikey because he sighed loudly, told me to hang on and then came back to me with instructions on how to get to Frank's house from where I currently was.
"I love you Mikey, wish me luck," I said, walking quickly as I talked.
I sculled the rest of my beer as I walked into Frank's street, thanking my lucky stars that he lived so close to Bert. It was a fair drive away from my place, but I wasn't at my place. I was off to a good start.
"Good luck ... and remember, be nice!"
With that I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, only to wish that I had a cigarette on me, and stepped up to the front door.
"Just a minute," I heard a ladies voice call from inside.
My first thought was FUCK! Because I didn't want to meet his mother just yet, especially not under these sorts of circumstances. I barely knew Frank all that well, I definitely didn't want to meet his parents yet.
The door swung open and a lady that looked too old to be a college students mother appeared in the doorway. Her hair was pure white, her teeth clearly false, her skin so wrinkled I guessed her age at close to eighty.
"Mrs. Iero?" I asked stupidly, leaning in closer as though trying to see some sort of resemblance to Frank in this old ladies features.
"What? No! Who are you young man, are you lost?" She looked me over as though trying to assess if her old brain could remember ever seeing me before or not. Something about the way she looked at me sent a shiver up my spine.
I leant back, if only to glance at the number on the side of her front door. It was definitely the number Mikey had given me. Just my luck, I had probably heard him wrong.
"Darn, I think I got given the wrong address, you know any Frank's that live here?"
"Frank? No, don't know any Frank's. Want to make a phone call? I have a phone, you can come in. It's been a while since I've had such a handsome young man at my door," the old lady said, standing aside and motioning that I could come in.
I thought about it, but only briefly. She looked lonely, she looked desperate and she looked like she was eye-fucking me.
"A-are you hitting on me?" I dared to ask, stepping away from her slightly.
Her old, wrinkled face broke into a huge grin as she let out a cackle of a laugh. My face scrunched up in distaste and I took a few more steps away until I suddenly heard someone call out my name.
"Gerard?" They asked again.
"You say something?" the old lady asked, still looking me up and down with great interest. Clearly her hearing wasn't what it used to be either.
Desperate to look away, I glanced around the surrounding areas until I saw him.
On the front porch of the small yet fancy looking house next door sat Frank Iero. He was sporting ripped jeans and a Black Flag shirt; his hair slightly messed up as he puffed on a cigarette that hung from his mouth. He looked amused at having caught me at the door of his perverted next door neighbors house, but he also looked completely and utterly fucking confused.
"Oh, would you look at that, I found Frank! Thanks for all your help," I quickly said, happy to get the fuck away from that women.
"You mean Hank! Why didn't you just say so? Sexy boy that one, why don't you both come over for a cup of tea and a slice of fruit cake, made it myself," she called out after me, cackling again.
I didn't look back, I just kept hurriedly walking away, leaping over the bushes that separated her house from Frank's so clumsily that my foot got tangled up in them and I stumbled unceremoniously until I crashed, face first on Frank's lawn.
"I'm alright, I'm okay," I announced, collecting myself and standing up.
I brushed off the dirt from my shirt before placing my hands on my hips and looking up at Frank as though I had never wrestled with his bushes and fallen over.
"Most graceful entrance I have ever seen," Frank said, his cigarette now in between his fingers as he clearly couldn't stop smiling.
"I think your neighbor is a pedophile," was all I could say as I went about picking thorns from my arm. "Ouch!"
"She's insane. I could have told you that, but you didn't exactly call to say you were coming so ..." Frank drifted off, stamping out his smoke and suddenly looking quite awkward.
I just stood there, in the middle of his yard, watching him closely. I took a deep breath.
"Fuck Frank, I'm real fucking sorry. I was at Bert's place and well, I couldn't stop thinking about you ... I had to leave because, I - I just had to tell you that - well, it's not your fault. The Halloween party, that whole mess ... I just, didn't know what you wanted from me, I didn't know how far you wanted to take things."
Frank studied me for a moment as I hoped to god his parents weren't home to hear this.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see the shuffling off a curtain from his perverted neighbors house. It was clear she was watching us from her window.
"I like you Gee, I wasn't going to force you into anything. I had every intention of taking it as slow as you wanted it to go. I just wish you had of told me that. I seriously felt like I had done something really wrong," he admitted, leaning forward so that his arms could rest on the railing of the porch he still stood on.
As Frank leaned forward, his shirt crept up a bit, as it usually did. No pink belt, but his pants slid down lower over his backside revealing the band of his underwear. My hazy mind, due to the beers, couldn't stop staring.
Instinctively I moved forward. He was still higher up then me, but I didn't feel like invading his porch just yet, in case I wasn't welcome. Instead, I just stood below him, as close as I could get, my head almost touching the railing he leant against.
"I'm real sorry Frank. Truth is, that's what I'm like. Insecure as fuck! Guess it was better you saw it early on."
"So what now?" Frank suddenly asked, running a hand through the shorter side of his hair, staring down at me with such inquisitive eyes.
I swallowed hard. I really didn't know what to say.
"Now? I'm still not sure. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about you Frank and it's driving me insane."
With those words, Frank sighed and broke the intense eye contact we had both been locked in, staring instead at the bush just next to my foot. I felt my heart skip a beat and a new emotion crept up within me. It was almost as though I was jealous of that bush for making those eyes disappear from my vision.
Something came over me and I lifted my foot so that the tips of my toes were just balancing on the outside of his porch. He turned to see what the hell I was doing, just at the right time. I gripped onto the railing he was leaning against with one hand and with the other; I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in until our lips finally crashed together again.
"WOO HOO! That's it boys, put on a show," the old lady next door called out from her now open window.
My closed eyes fluttered open and I pulled away to stare at his neighbor in disgust. She was practically hanging out of her window, trying to get a better look. She really was insane.
"What the fuck is wrong with her -" I began to say, but I was cut off immediately by Frank as he returned my gesture and kissed me back.
I fell into him, loosing myself completely. The alcohol mixed in with the sensation of his tongue tickling the roof of my mouth set me over the edge, I had no idea where I even was anymore ... Which was a bad idea.
As I reached up my other hand to touch his hair or his face, anywhere, anything, I didn't realise that it was the one thing keeping me stable.
"Fuck Gee no!" Frank called out, breaking the kiss as he realised I was slowly falling away from him.
"Oh shit!" I said, swinging out my arms trying to grab his. But it was too late, I feel for the second time that day, straight onto my back crushing several, of what I could only assume was his mothers, bushes.
Frank watched me with a pained expression on his face, the hint of a smile ready to crack through the moment his first question was answered.
"Are you alright?"
I nodded and the smile broke through at last, until he was laughing hysterically at my misfortune. I got to my feet again, ignoring the old lady next door and her claps and whistles. People like that should definitely be put into homes and shut away from the rest of the world.
"You're neighbour has a serious problem, you know that right. I hope your mum never let her baby sit you when you were a kid."
I stretched out my aching back, grateful that the porch hadn't been that high up. Last thing I wanted was a sore back all holidays. Finally Frank broke the silence again.
"So ... what does all this mean exactly?"
It was a fair question; I still hadn't really given him a straight answer. Truth was, I enjoyed kissing him and I clearly wanted to be with him otherwise I wouldn't have thought about him so much when we were apart. But was I ready for another relationship with all the responsibilities and expectations that came with it?
"Really Frank, I have no idea. I want to be around you, I guess I want to be with you ... b-but, I think ... at the moment, I need a bit of time."
I hated saying it because it wasn't what I went around there to say. But the words escaped my mouth and I watched as Frank hung his head almost in defeat.
"I can tell that you like me in some way or another, otherwise you wouldn't be here," he said, more to himself then to me. It was as though he was thinking out loud. "How much time do you need Gerard? I can't wait around forever."
The words hit hard. They were true, I knew they were. Yet a great part of me was fucking frustrated and pissed off that he had said them. He was pressuring me again. All I wanted was time and he was pressing for an answer now. Still, hadn't he waited long enough?
"I don't want, anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself -"
My message tone sung out, filling in the silence that had fell among us with words that were perhaps quite appropriate but would never be said.
"Fucking Mikey, I swear to god," I complained, if anything, just for something else to do.
I didn't open my message just yet because I realised that Frank was still waiting for an answer. What was I supposed to say? How much time did I need? I went around there to tell him how I felt, to tell him I may quite possibly have a thing for him. But now, I wasn't sure how to say it, I didn't want to say it. I wasn't ready for a relationship yet.
Sighing, I finally opened my mouth.
"I don't know Frank ... But more than this. I'm beginning to think your cousin was right; You can do so much better then me."
It was guilt at the first part of my words that made me say the final part. But the more I secrectly asked Frank to wait for me, the more I began to realise that yes, he fucking deserved someone who could treat him far more better then I ever could.
"Gerard ..." Frank tried to say. But it was clear there was nothing else he could think of. The name simply fell about us and I knew the conversation was over.
I gave him a small wave and a kind smile before I turned around and headed in the direction I figured home was. It was a while before I got my bearings and it was an even longer while before I made it home. By that time I had officially worn off all of my alcohol.
The moment I got home I crashed down onto my bed until I remembered I had a message. Wrestling with my pants to release my phone, I finally pulled it out and opened the un-read message:
Did you find the house?
How'd it go? You two going
out yet? Did you loose your
I groaned into my pillow and tossed the phone across the bed, once again wondering what on earth I was trying to do. My thoughts were once again on Frank. The kiss, the perfect kiss. Why was it so hard for me to admit, not only to him, but to myself that I wanted to be with him?
On my bed was where I stayed until I finally fell asleep. As soon as I woke up this morning I just stumbled sleepily to Mikey's room. When I realised he wasn't home I just stayed here, not bothered to move from his bed.
And I'm going to stay here until he gets back, just so I can tell him what happened. Just so that he can, hopefully, slap me across the face so hard that all that sense I lost long ago just comes flying back.
Maybe, just maybe.
Thursday, December 7th
84 kg (fading away whilst waiting for Mikey), 0 beers (getting far to sober whilst waiting for Mikey), 0 cigarettes (lungs clearing up whilst waiting for Mikey), no. of hours waited for Mikey: 36.
Late night. New Jersey: Mikey's room. Mikey finally turned up today. Turns out he promised Alicia he would spend more time over at her place these holidays. Whatever, doesn't she realise he has a special needs brother who needs his attention more then she does?
The moment Mikey saw me on his bed, he rolled his eyes.
"How long have you been in here?"
"Just since yesterday," I shot back, defending myself as best I could. I didn't want to tell him that since I had woken up yesterday I had merely walked into his room and stayed glued to his bed until the very moment he came back home and caught me.
"I take it you didn't do so well with Frank then." There was a slight bitterness in his voice, but there was also pity. I didn't know what I hated more.
"I told him to be patient ... I needed time," I said, starting my story with the ending.
Mikey let out a heavy sigh and collapsed, face first, next to me on the bed. Neither of us moved and neither of us spoke for a while. It would have been quite peaceful had it not been for the turmoil that was going on inside my head.
"I kissed him. Right in front of his eighty year old neighbour. I think she was hoping for a threesome ... it was creepy."
"What the fuck?" Mikey asked, his full attention back on me again.
"Yeah, you sent me to the wrong house dip-shit."
"I did? Oh ... sorry about that. So? What did you tell him exactly? I mean, I hope you didn't go over there just to tell him you needed some time. That's just lame."
I moaned into the pillow, trying to find the strength to tell him what exactly had gone down.
"I told him I couldn't stop thinking about him. Then I kissed him. Then he kissed me. Then I fell off his porch. Then I told him I needed time. I dunno, it just felt all wrong," I confessed, my back throbbing at the memory of Tuesday's events.
"Man Gee, you're a fucking spastic, you know that right?" Mikey said, but he did something that surprised me nonetheless, rolling over, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his head into my shoulder. "But still, you'll figure it out. Just don't leave it too late. Otherwise you'll loose him."
With those words we both went silent and even though I had practically slept all day yesterday, I felt my eyelids grow heavy until we both drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
Now I'm just lying here, listening to Mikey's snoring as I write down the newest words of wisdom my baby brother has graced me with.
Even later still. I had to write, I just had to, because I've realised. I don't even know how or why, it just hit me like a tone of bricks ... but, I've realised that I'm ready now.
I like Frank Iero. I really, really do like him.
When Mikey kept sleeping I simply pulled out my phone and went through my old messages. I knew what I was looking for, anything sent to me from my mystery texter. Frank Iero.
He told me jokes when I was sad, asked me how I was when he noticed how down I looked, he even fucking called Mikey to check on me when I was in the hospital. All that time I had gotten him all wrong. I thought he hated me, too cool for dorky old Gerard fucking Way.
Boy, was I wrong.
The more I read the messages, the more I thought about him and the more I remembered how he bought me a drink, fought to take my car keys off me, sat with me when I was upset, protected me when I was too stupid to keep away from Chris. It was all for me.
Frank Iero really does like me.
And I really do like him. No doubt, it's true. Somehow I feel it's always been there, even when I thought I hated him. His 'girl friend', Amy, the whole thing. I was jealous.
I wanted Frank, I still do. I know he'll treat me right, he's already shown me that he can and always has.
But ... now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just go up to him and say it? Can I do that?
Somehow, even though Frank has already spilt his heart out to me, I just don't know how to do it back.
Saturday, December 9th
Noon. New Jersey: Mikey's room. Once again, I find myself lying on my brothers bed waiting for him to get home.
The past few days my thoughts have been stirred around inside my head, finally creating one solid and very final thought.
I like Frank.
Yes, I know I've said it already. But the more I think about it the more I can't fight it any longer. I don't care what people think and I don't care what it means in the long run. For now, I think I owe it to him to give him a fucking chance.
Yet, my dilemma and hence the reason I'm camping out in Mikey's room waiting for his words of wisdom ... I don't know how to tell Frank.
I know, it should be easy; I should just open my mouth and say it. After all, he's already said it to me. Still, I've never been good at this stuff and if he's changed his mind, I’m going to humiliate myself!
Where the fuck is Mikey?
8 p.m. Mikey finally got back. Man, I swear that girl friend is so demanding; doesn't she know I need my brother 24/7 at the moment?
"Gee ... you're in my room ... again," he said, sitting down as though waiting for another long story.
I hastily sat up and grabbed my brother’s shoulders, startling him slightly.
"Mikey ... I like Frank."
Mikey's mouth fell open, almost as though he couldn't believe that I was in his room, waiting impatiently for him to get home over something like that.
"Right, of course you do Gee ... but let me guess, you just don't want to do anything about it yet, am I right?"
"No! I mean it Mikes. I like Frank, I really do. And yes, I'm ready to do something about it ... but that's where you come in. How do I tell him?"
Mikey rolled his eyes and shrugged my hands off his shoulders.
"Whatever Gee, I've heard it all before," he said, attempting to pull his shoes off.
"Mikey, listen to me. I'm not messing around. I just - I seriously do. I miss him you know, it's weird. From the start I was so convinced I hated him, but really, I was fascinated by him. I only hated him because he never paid me any attention. I could have had Amy, I could have had Bert, I could have even had Sarah, but I never really wanted any of them. I wanted Frank."
The words spilt from my mouth and I just took a deep breath, staring at my brother. Determined to do whatever it took to prove to him I wasn't lying. I meant every word.
Mikey stopped, one shoe in his hand. He just stared at me for a few moments before lifting up his arm and throwing the shoe at my head.
"Ouch! What the fuck is wrong with you Mikey?"
"It took you this fucking long to finally admit that to yourself? MY GOD! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Shit! You better not go back on it this time, I swear Gee ... FUCK!"
When Mikey rushed at me, my first instinct was to squeal. I mean, come on. The guy beats me up, throws his shoe at me, and pours boiling hot chocolate sauce on my sensitive skin. He scares me sometimes.
But a beating never came; instead I was tackled down onto his bad as he hugged me tightly.
"If you fuck it up again Gee, I'm going to have someone cut off your balls! Mum always wanted a daughter."
"You're missing the point," I struggled to say as he still clutched onto me so tightly I could feel the air struggling to get to my lungs. "I don't know how to tell him."
"What do you mean Gee? You just fucking tell him." Mikey pulled away, only to look at me in confusion.
"You know it's not that easy for me Mikes. I can't just spit it all out like he does, I’ve never been that confident."
"Gerard! The hard part's already over. He knows you're interested, but he doesn't know that you want him back, he thinks your stalling because you don't know how to tell him that you're really not all that keen on him."
"How do you know that?" I asked, his words hitting me hard. I had a feeling that was going to happen. I couldn't let him think I wasn't interested. He can't move on! But what do I say?
"Because ... maybe, I kind of still talk to him," Mikey admitted, biting his lip and moving away from me slightly.
"Oh ... well do you want to tell him I like him back?" I asked, hoping Mikey would feel guilty enough for talking to Frank behind my back again to do the dirty work for me.
"What? Fuck off! Just do it yourself! Trust me; it's what he wants to hear."
"I can't just do it Mikey, what if he's changed his mind? What if he's moved on?"
"Well, personally I wouldn't blame him -"
"You're not helping Mikey!"
Silence followed. My mum's voice called from the kitchen asking if we were alright. We just mumbled back to her and continued to stare off in our own directions, deep in thought.
"So, what are you doing to do now?" Mikey finally asked, studying me closely.
"I'm not entirely sure."
Wednesday, December 13th
86 kg (gah! SIT STILL!), 7 beers (mmmm, how I missed thee), 82 cigarettes (making up for lost time, man so good), no. of times have picked up phone only to dial Frank and hang up: 800 (BAD GERARD! BAD!).
5 p.m. So far, the only progress I have made today is picking up my phone, dialing Frank and then hanging up as soon as it starts ringing.
Worst part is, my phone's on private, just so that when I chicken out like that, he can't see that it was me calling and try to ring me back.
Why does everything in life have to be so difficult?
"You're pathetic Gee," Mikey said, rolling his eyes as I picked up the phone again. It dialed; it rang twice, my heart thumped so hard against my chest I freaked out, almost dropping the phone. I hastily hung up when I finally got a grip on it again.
"Shut up Mikey! You're supposed to be my brother, help me!"
"What am I supposed to do?" he whined, throwing down the magazine he had been trying to read to look at me in annoyance.
"I dunno. Um - how about you give me one of your old sim cards. That way I can pretend I'm someone else and it'll give me the confidence to message him and see if he still likes me or not. My name will be Jarod and I'll be a body builder."
"Gee ... that's fucking lame!"
"Frank did it!" I shouted back, frustrated that Frank could ease himself into my life by having a secret identity when I wasn't allowed.
Me, all I wanted to do was be a body builder named Jarod for a day. Would that be so bad?
But, what if Frank started to like Jarod better then me? Like when the women always shut down Bruce Wayne because they liked Batman more. What do I do if Frank likes the other me better?
"What happens when Frank likes Jarod better then you?" Mikey asked, making me suddenly move away from him in fright. "What?"
"Nothing - it's just. Mikes ... can you read minds?"
It startled me how we were even beginning to think alike.
"Whatever Gee. Just fucking call him. You've already made out with this guy, you've already been over to his house and he's already told you he likes you! It's not that hard!"
With those words Mikey got up, grabbed his magazine and left me alone with my mobile.
Mikey was right, there was honestly no problem. I should be able to call him. I guess, deep down, I'm still worried what it's going to mean if we both like each other.
The thought of a relationship with someone different always scares me. And, I don't even know Frank all that well, what if we're not good for each other? All of this ... for nothing!
Friday, December 15th
Like I need anything else to think about lately, we got a phone call from our cousin today, making sure we were still coming to his wedding on Christmas Eve.
Mum just laughed into the phone and said that of course they would all be there.
Now, this was news to me and Mikey, we had no fucking idea mum had just accepted a wedding invite on our behalf. We had better things to do, there was no way we were going.
"Don't be silly you two, I've already booked us a cabin by the beach. It's a lovely spot, you'll have a great time," she said, hands on hips as we continued to pout.
"I don't want to go! I hate weddings," Mikey shouted, I just pointed at him and said, "Yeah, me too!"
"You've never even been to a wedding, either of you, you'll enjoy it. If you get bored you can just go swimming."
"Do you know me at all?" I yelled, waving my arms around dramatically. I couldn't be seen at the beach. I was so pale I would scare all of the children away.
"Honestly Gerard, it wouldn't kill you to get some sun every now and again," Mum shot back, waving a finger at me.
"I dunno Mum, I'm convinced he's a vampire ... it may actually kill him!" Mikey said, as I nodded in agreement again.
"Tough luck. He can sleep in a coffin for all I care, we're going! The cabins already booked, I can't get my money back. Plus, weddings are expensive and you've been accounted for. There's no getting out of this one."
With that our mother walked away, glad to have the last word.
"Darn it, I don't want to see people happy," I whined to Mikey when she was out of ear shot.
"Darn it, where are we going to get you a coffin?" Mikey threw in, scratching his head.
Tuesday, December 19th
87 kg (those white chocolate coffee things are just too fucking good), 9 beers (food for thought), 15 cigarettes (broke), no. of people stalked today: 2 (only one was intentional).
6 p.m. Today, out of sheer boredom, I went Christmas shopping.
I had absolutely no fucking idea what I was going to get everyone, but there I was, pulling into a park at the local shopping centre. I shuffled along, desperately trying to avoid all of the screaming children and depressed parents with their empty wallets.
It's not that I hated Christmas; it was just that I hated people at Christmas. Everyone was so darn greedy.
I must have been there for about fifteen minutes before I decided I needed a coffee. As I stood, waiting for my name to be called out, I heard familiar laughter and turned around, only to see Frank and his big-haired friend Ray walking past the coffee shop, talking animatedly about something funny.
My stomach did a back-flip as I stretched my head out, trying to see where they were going. It wasn't until the girl working at the coffee machine practically screamed out my name in annoyance that I turned back around.
"You Gerard. Your coffee is ready!" she said, trying to sound polite, but looking extremely frustrated at having called out my name so many times.
"Coffee? Oh - shit ... right. Sorry."
With that, I grabbed my coffee, stirred a sugar in it, put on a take-away lid and hurried after Frank and Ray.
Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing. I had no intention of going up to Frank and telling him in front of his best friend and the entire of New Jersey that I liked him and couldn't wait to make-out with him again. So really, there was no point in me following.
I guess, a small part of me just wanted to watch him. See what he was like when he was walking around, having a good time. To see what shops he would go into and what he would buy.
Okay, so I felt like a big fat stalker, but I didn't fucking care.
Lingering a good distance behind I was able to watch them duck into a computer game store, a book store and a jewelry store (they went straight for the spacers up the back and that was it). I felt like the biggest fucking freak spying on them like that, it felt like I had no right. Even though I liked Frank, even though he liked me back, I still felt a million miles away.
"You wanna look in here?" I heard Frank ask Ray.
It was at that moment as I heard his voice that I realised I was too fucking close. Heart pounding a tattoo against my rib cage my shoes squeaked as I stopped suddenly and ducked into the nearest shop so as not to be seen.
"Can I help you?" a female voice asked.
"Er, no thanks," I said, turning to stare at the young girl who was looking at me and smiling.
Of all the fucking shops to wonder into by accident, it had to be a women’s underwear store.
"Don't really wear this stuff all that much," I continued, poking a bra that was hanging by my head.
She giggled as I dared to stick my head around the corner, praying to anyone who would listen that Frank had not caught me out.
I saw him immediately, still standing next to Ray, both of them just going through a rack full of band label shirts. I have no idea if they saw me or not, but as I caught a glimpse of the side of Frank's face, I could have sworn he was wearing a huge smile.
Thursday, December 21st
Early Morning. New Jersey: My Basement. It was odd. After my small stalkerish encounter with Frank at the shops, I felt slightly closer to him. I have no idea how that's even fucking possible, but for some reason, just the thought of him living close enough to me to shop at the same center I got my groceries (coffee and pop-tarts) from nearly every day, made me feel like I wasn't such a stranger to him after all.
It was a nice feeling.
Now I just wish I hadn't of gotten up so early just to write that nice feeling down.
Maybe Mikey will play Guitar Hero with me.
4 p.m. Getting up early on a day when you know there is going to be nothing to do is never a good idea. Still, Mikey always comes through for me.
Naturally, after I woke him up at 8 a.m. to ask if he would play Guitar Hero with me, I got a fair beating.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? It's 8 am!!!! Who are you and what have you done with my brother?" Mikey shouted, thumping me over the head with his pillow, his eyes still closed. It was almost as though he was still asleep. Weird.
Eight cups of coffee later (each), he was ready to accept the guitar with a little more enthusiasm.
"You're bass," I said, knowing that he always was but just clarifying nonetheless.
By lunch time the game was getting pretty old, so we stopped for a while. Okay, we only stopped so that I could make a trip up to the bottle shop to get beer. All Mikey's idea, I swear.
"You know what would make this game funner? If we got wasted," he announced just when I had started to yawn.
"It's 3 o'clock on a Thursday Mikey."
"So, like that's ever stopped you."
"You're under age."
Like that's ever stopped me either. Guess I was just too lazy to drive to the local.
"Come on Gee. It's the holidays, if you're not going to go over and sex Frank, we may as well get drunk."
With that I eyed him angrily before throwing my guitar onto one of our old bean bags and heading off to get beer.
Now we're sitting here drinking beer. Oh what a day!
Friday, December 22nd
86 kg (all that Guitar Hero, weight just falls off), 0 beers (killer hand-over), 73 cigarettes (made it up-didn't really count), no. of good thoughts today: 400 (better).
10 a.m. Well, last night certainly turned out to be a more eventful night then we thought it would be. I was going to finish the entry last night simply from pure excitement, but I passed out.
So, where was I? Oh yes...
After I came back with a case of beer, Mikey and I toasted to nothing other then "Rock and fucking roll baby, yeah!"
As we slowly got drunker and drunker our guitar playing got so horrible that we were booed off the stage no less then ten times before we decided to take a break.
"You drunk Gee?" Mikey asked, cracking his knuckles as they had become stiff due to extended game play.
"No," I giggled, the beer bottle in my hand spilling over slightly as I over tipped my hand.
"Yes you are," Mikey laughed, pointing at my thigh where there was now a dark patch from the spilled liquid.
We both laughed before Mikey tossed me my phone.
"Call Frankie-poos, tell him now," Mikey instructed, blowing on the top of his beer bottle so it would make a sweet whistling noise.
I was drunk. So naturally, I did. This time, my heart wasn't pounding and my mind wasn't desperately running over what it wanted me to say out loud and what it wanted me to keep to myself. I was blissfully numb.
"Hello?" Frank's voice said, sounding a little unsure.
"Frank! How are you?" I asked stupidly.
"Er - good ... who's this?"
I barely heard him; Mikey was busy poking me in the ribs. It was distracting.
"Put it on speaker Gee," he whispered far too loudly for it to be an acceptable whisper.
"Alright, keep your pants on," I told him, struggling to find the right button. Finally I hit something and Frank's voice bellowed out around the room.
"What?" his voice asked, clearly unsure who the pants comment was directed at.
"Sorry, Mikey's being a pain. What you doing?"
"Oh, so this is Gerard?" Frank finally said, sounding much more relaxed now.
"Who'd you think it was?" I giggled. Mikey sat closer to me, staring at the phone closely as though it was going to explode.
"Dunno, number was on private. Wait a second; was that you trying to call me all week?"
Mikey let out a loud giggle, before realising what he had done and slapping a hand over his mouth in surprise. Naturally this only made me laugh to.
"Maybe ... I didn't know what to say to you, I'm shy," my drunken mouth spilled out as Mikey poked me again.
"Gee, ask him to come around," Mikey instructed, whispering far too loudly again.
"I will if you just shut up," I said as quietly as I could muster.
"Mikey, I can hear you, you to Gerard" Frank's voice said, the hint of a laugh behind his words.
"Shit sorry. Well, you doing anything? You should come around and kick our asses in Guitar Hero," Mikey announced, far more vocal this time.
It didn't take much convincing and our drunken minds passed the time quickly. When Frank arrived we were both so excited to see him that I completely forgot myself and approached him, pulling him into a tight hug. Mikey tried to do the same but his legs got tangled amongst themselves and instead he merely fell off his chair and tumbled to the ground.
Frank didn't seem to mind that we were so drunk; it just meant that he could drink faster in order to catch up. And I had to say, I was impressed with his drinking skills. He could skull a beer almost as fast as me.
"I was watching you at the shops the other day," I finally said, slurring my words. To my great surprise Frank just laughed into his beer.
"Yeah, I saw you. Stalker! Not a very good one either. You're very loud."
At that moment I leant forwards, wanting to tell him everything that I had been supposed to have the balls to say all week.
"I'm glad you came round," I finally said.
Mentally, I slapped myself. Those weren't the right words. I was drunk, why couldn't I say that I liked him? Perhaps I was too drunk, perhaps I sensed he wouldn't believe me if I told him then and there, so I didn't.
"You two aren't going to make out are you?" Mikey asked, shielding his eyes. "Make it quick."
I would have, in fact, I had every intention to. But for some reason as I looked into Frank's eyes, almost asking permission, he just sort of smiled sadly at me and broke the eye contact.
"Yeah Mikey, we're done," I said, slightly disappointed at Frank's lack of enthusiasm. I no doubt only had myself to blame.
Still, despite his lack of interest in kissing me, as the night went on and we started to put on some of our older and greatest horror films, I found my eye lids getting heavier and heavier. Eventually I simply blacked out, half way through a brutal murder playing out on the screen.
I'm not sure how long I slept for, but eventually I woke up again, only to find that my head was in Frank's lap and he was gently running his fingers over my hair as though trying to sooth me to sleep.
"F-frank?" I said, trying to get my bearings as I yawned.
"Shhh, go to sleep," he said, smiling at me as though finding my sleepy state highly amusing.
It was a good idea, so it's exactly what I did. I snuggled into his lap a little more until I felt him shift slightly underneath me. Whatever he did it was far more comfortable and I quickly drifted back off into an undisturbed sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I buried my head into what I thought was still Frank, only to find that he was gone; one of the cushions on the lounge strategically placed under my head so that I would be comfortable.
I just smiled into the cushion, convinced that I could still smell him there.
"Dude, are you sniffing the pillow?" Mikey asked, his voice quite, no doubt so as not to upset their hangovers.
"Maybe ... where's Frank?"
"Must have gone already. Did you finally tell him?"
I just shook my head as Mikey let out a deep sigh of frustration.
"Shit Gee, don't tell me you've changed your mind again."
"What? No! I just ... I dunno, I was too drunk, he wouldn't have taken me seriously."
Fuck! Should have just told him. I'll never get up the courage again.
"Good, you don't want to ruin this. Gee, I really like Frank. I swear, if you don't make a move soon, I'm sorry, but I'm seriously going to handcuff you two the fuck together until you're forced to just give into him."
"Mikey ... you're a good brother."
TO BE CONTINUED
AN: Don't look for the second part. It's not done yet. LOL! This is just to keep you all off my back, lol. Jokes, but really. You're a pushy lot. It's cool though, love you anyway. He he. Hope you enjoy. Plenty more to come. A wedding, Christmas, New Years, just to, to much xx