... it's day 10.
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?"
("Eye" – Smashing Pumpkins)
A/N: You know, I'm not gonna say shit about this day right now. You guys are lucky I'm an insomniac though. And also, there's an epic A/N Part II waiting for you. So get reading!
DAY 10: AT: 9:18AM
I woke up and looked over at the clock. I had slept all the way from about one in the morning to after 9am. That was probably the most sleep I'd had in well over a week. It was also the first morning I had not woken up to a fresh nightmare. If I did have one, I didn't remember it. My stomach grumbled. I sat up in bed and my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton or something. I could very well have gotten too much sleep. I stumbled into the bathroom.
Every morning now I looked in the mirror and told myself, "You can get through this". It was like I had to remind myself over and over again. Throughout the day, I knew there would be times where the thought of having a drink would cross my mind. And it wasn't like it couldn't have been easily obtained. I mean, there was that small market three blocks down the street after all.
DAY 10: AT 1:01PM
"Hey Ray, what's up?"
"How you doin'?"
"I'm fuckin' gettin' through it. I still kinda feel like shit most of the time, but it's slowly getting' better. I've just been kinda layin' low ... had to go do some doctor appointments and shit."
"So uh ... have you ..."
"Have I had another drink? I had my last one two days ago. That's it though, dude ... the last fuckin' one."
"Well I hope that's for real. You scared the shit out of me after Summer Sonic."
"I know, man, I'm fuckin' sorry about that. I guess I just needed to get to the bottom of the fuckin' barrel, ya know?"
"Yeah. So Frank and I are gonna hang out tomorrow night ... just low key ... play some Street Fighter, shit like that. No beer. You down?"
"Uh, yeah ... yeah I think I can swing by ... you're place right?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna call Mikey too."
"Sweet. What time's this goin' down?"
"I was thinkin' around 8pm. You can bring Kat if you want too, it's cool."
"A'ight man, I'll see you tomorrow night then."
DAY 10: AT 1:32PM
Yesterday after the doctor's appointment we went to the grocery store. I was a little sketched out in there. I'd been in there so many times before with the sole purpose of procuring liquor. I had to fight the temptation to walk down that aisle and just oogle the bottles. I started to sweat at one point when I thought my imagination ran a little too much away with itself. Kat was asking me a question and I didn't even hear her. I was just staring off into the freezer we were standing in front of and I could have sworn I saw my name written in the front at the bottom of the glass. All I could think of was that I was hallucinating. I bent down to get a closer look and sure as shit, there was my name - written backwards no less. All I could think of was, what the fuck? Kat bent down and asked me what was wrong. I asked her to confirm I wasn't crazy. She saw it too. She passed it off that it must have been some kid, but it creeped me the fuck out. Not a lot of people were named Gerard. When she got out some of the stuff we had bought to make lunch today, I just couldn't stop thinking about that incident. I mean, Kat saw it too, so I knew I wasn't losing my mind, but really, what the fuck?
I tried to just focus on helping Kat make this salad. It's not like I hated salad, but it wasn't one of my favorite foods. It was on "the list" though, so I was going to suck it down. I really didn't want to have liver disease or some fucked up stomach disorder. She had bought chicken too and had thrown that in a covered frying pan and put that in the oven to bake. I finished the salad and then sat down at the counter.
"Do you really believe in ghosts?"
She just stared at me before answering. It's not like we never talked about shit like that, but I think it was the "out of the blue" factor that got her this time.
"What made you think of that?"
"Well ... I just ... I dunno ... I just wanted to know what you really thought about that."
"Well, I've never personally seen a ghost, but that doesn't mean they don't exist, ya know?"
"Right. I think I want to believe that they're real."
DAY 10: AT 6:04PM
After dinner we had decided to make some popcorn and watch a movie. It was one of our favorite zombie-gore movies of all time, "Dead Alive". So I'm sitting there watching the movie and it's about to the part where the zombies are having sex on the dinner table and I'm stuffing popcorn in my mouth and Kat turns to me and she says, "Gawd, I love you". This is a perfect example of why Kat interested me in the first place. There we were, sitting there watching a splatter comedy where the walking dead are about to get it on and she chooses that moment to profess her love to me. I turned and looked at her but before I could even mouth the words I wanted to say her lips were on mine and her hand was sliding up my thigh.
I have to be honest that I was a little nervous. It'd been a good month since we'd had sex and I was still nowhere near a hundred percent. I figured, maybe we could just make out and see what happened. After she helped me in the shower that one day, I wanted to return the favor at the very least. She pushed the popcorn bowl out of my lap and crawled on top of me. Her hands held on to either side of my head and it felt like she was trying to get her tongue down my throat. It was a kiss of need mixed with desperation and wild abandon. I remember thinking that maybe we should watch zombie flicks more often.
She was grinding her pussy down into my lap. I seriously would have had to have been dead to not feel something off of that. I tried to push everything else out of my mind ... all the shit that had happened that day ... all the stuff going on with the band ... the lab results that were still freaking me out a little bit ... the fact that I had this gnawing headache at the back of my skull the last two days ... I really wanted to be able to be ALL there, right at that moment. Just when I was almost to the point of not giving a fuck about anything else, she stops kissing me, gets off my lap and says, "Stay right there. I'll be right back!" As if I was going anywhere.
In the little bit of time she had been gone, I had a moment to just sit there and think – which recently wasn't the best thing because my mind would start to drift to places I really didn't want it to go. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I closed my eyes and willed myself not to fixate on that. I heard Kat run back into the room and I opened my eyes just in time to see her take off her shirt. I was still sitting on the couch, kinda dumbfounded by the fact that we were about to fuck and that damn movie was still playing on in the background. She took her bra off then got down on her knees in front of me and unzipped my pants.
Let me just put out there that Kat knew exactly how to get me off with her mouth. In no time at all, I was feeling pretty good. I have to admit that it was a little fucking weird though watching zombies eat each other while getting a blow job. NOT that that's the kinda thing that turns me on. It was just ... weird. Kat was soon doing too good of a job and I had to stop her. She switched places with me and after getting her pants off I returned both her recent favors in spades. I wondered if she was watching the flick at all during that.
I had maneuvered my way up onto the couch and between her legs. Before I did anything else she said to me that there was a condom on the coffee table. That must have been what she ran in the bathroom for, although I hadn't even noticed it sitting there before. I put it on and got back into position on the couch.
The whole thing didn't last very long but I think something had clicked off in both of our heads that we just needed to do it as hard and as fast as we could. It was very emotional though. It'd been a long while since I'd had completely sober sex. I had almost forgotten how good that was. I felt like I'd reached another milestone in my road to recovery tonight.
A/N Part II: You know what Day 10 was all about? The sex and I'm not ashamed to say that because it was fucking important – literally. And I wasn't making up the part about the zombie flick either. Ha! Oh and Gerard really did see his name spelled backward on a freezer door at the grocery store ... although it wasn't during his "17 days".
Oh and I'd promised you all an embarrassing, "worst thing that happened to you drunk" story, right? Well, here it is.
I was 23 at the time. A couple friends I knew were throwing a big house party for another friend's b-day. So me and a friend (who was supposed to be the designated driver) drove over there and before we even got into the house I'd had a good amount of alcohol (the party started in the yard with a table set up with a vat of jello shots and a keg). So by the time I set foot through the door, I already had my drunk on.
The house itself was pretty cool. It was out in the hills and all the neighbors were ok with the amount of parties thrown there so my friend's band was playing live. Anyway, I was having a great time of course and very quickly lost track of how much drink I had consumed. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot that happened – just bits and pieces. I remember arriving of course ... and going into the house and just random conversations and stuff. My friend's band was playing and I remember they egged me on to get up and sing one of their songs with them, so of course I did. I remember being pushed in pool with my clothes on. I remember sitting on some girl's lap and letting her put lipstick on me. I remember throwing up in the trash can in the kitchen. None of that was the "worst thing" though (that was all pretty standard fare actually). Before I get to that, I'll go over the things that friends told me happened, but that I DON'T remember at all. Apparently, at some point in the back yard I was dared to chug the beer I had in my hand and then try to piss in the bottle and I guess I actually tried to do it - in front of about 5 people, 3 of whom were girls (this is probably one of the better examples of just how far alcohol changed the way I behaved, 'cause ...yeah.). Later in the night, I was told I somehow got up on the roof and then somehow I had convinced like 8 other people to also get up on the roof (yeah, what the fuck, right?). My friend said they had to come get me off the roof because I wouldn't jump down because I said, "I lost my superpowers after 8pm". Someone else told me that at one point I was sitting on this couch and a puked into a big plastic cup and set it down on this end table and then like 2 minutes later I grabbed onto the cup and was about to drink it like it was fresh drink but my friend stopped me. Then I guess at some point this girl thought I was hitting on her (my friend said he was standing not too far away and he claims I was talking about some horror movie and I guess she didn't get it). So, by the end of the night, another couple friends found me face down in one of the bathrooms, out cold. Since everyone else that had passed out had already been carried off by friends, that kinda left me as an easy target. From what I was told, they wanted to come up with something better than just drawing on my face with a marker pen (the usual punishment for passing out drunk at someone's house in my circle of friends). So someone popped up with a roll of duct tape. Let me just skip ahead here. I woke up in the same bathroom, with my pants around my ankles (yeah, underwear too) and from about mid thigh to my belly button was covered in duct tape (like the whole way around my body). Also, they'd duct taped my wrists together. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I came to, of course I had to piss and there was this girl puking in the toilet like a foot away from me. She obviously wasn't leaving any time soon and was totally out of it so somehow I managed to get to my feet (this is all probably creating a great visual right about now) and stumbled out the door. I didn't know what time in the wee hours of the morning it was, but the party was definitely over by that point. Right down the hall was a laundry room that I ducked into and somehow managed to chew (yeah – chew) away part of the duct tape around my wrists enough to get it off. Getting the rest of the tape off? I don't even want to talk about that. Let's just say, it was grim (and that's a word I reserve for truly awful things). I ended up pissing in the sink in the laundry room and then found out that my friend had bailed and told this other guy to tell me to call him when I came around. So I had to sit there and wait like 3 hours with the guys that duct taped me for my friend to come back and pick me up. Sometimes I wonder why I continued to get drunk after something like this. However, I'm also lucky that nothing really serious (beyond the alcohol poisoning trip to the hospital which kind of kick started my sobriety thing) happened because I've heard some real horror stories from other people.
p.s. You're all going out and listening to the tracks that I put lyrics to at the top of all these days, right? Well, you should. xP