Tragedy Mildly AU Harry's is sentenced to Azkaban. Here is a look at his last day on Earth...rated for language and violence. Will not include the horrid plot device called 'Horcruxes'. O...
- No where near as good as some of your other stuff it was nonsensical and just plain sad you need happy endings with sex the audiences love that stuff
Author's responseWhile I prefer the happy endings with plenty of sex, sometimes a bunny bites, and well...there you go.
- Meh, it wasn't bad. There should really be a "+0 - Mostly Harmless" rating option on this site.
The big problem with this story was the ending. The prolonged exposition by the ghosts was the wrong way to do this. It would have been better for it to come out through post-war investigations by other powers who end up picking up the pieces (Britain's government and economy being in tatters thanks to the Goblins withdrawing most financial serivces and suffering a population crisis thanks to the systematic marginalisations of muggleborns and half-bloods).
That said, the start of this story was good, as was the battle. The idea of a 'hopped up to self destruct' Harry has been done before but it is always memorable.
Overall, the good outweighs the bad. However, that ending... Gosh, it really does make it hard to push on to the end of the story.
BenRG's Rating: 6.5/10
Author's responseThis one was difficult to write, and understand, I wrote it back in 2005. At that time, most of what is now considered 'ciche`' was fresh.
The ending was actually the whole point of the story. Harry's trial and incarceration were merely the means I used to arrive at that point.
While the last part was a bit pedantic, I had to bring it to an end in a manner that would make Dumbledore and Fudge both look like a couple of complete jackasses, while eliminating the majority of the pureblood power-bloc, and at the same time force the wizarding world to begin to think for themselves.
In addition, Harry's most public suicide, and the immediate aftermath, would ensure that neither Dumblemort not Fudgie, could wriggle their way out of their disgrace.
Although, this one is done, I may consider your suggestion as applied to canon. After all, the end result was the same, but the methods were different. While Rowling marginalized the aftermath, with the exception of her hideous idea of an epilogue, I'd imagine the WW's economy took a sharp downturn. Maybe I can make the Weasleys into the saviors, allowing them to 'enhance' the economy until it can take off on it's own.
As for the 'hopped up Harry', I've never read anything like that, so to me it isn't cliche`. Also, I had to find a defensible method to bring him from being nearly unable to move, to the point of being able to dance for two or more hours. the only solution that came to mind was 'freelance pharmaceuticals'. Better living through chemicals, indeed.
Thank you for your thoughtful review.
- Erm. What jabarber said.
I really enjoyed the first section, where Harry just couldn't win.I mean, read the books, people! It's right there.
One day, i will include "the Ballet that killed a Dark Lord" in a story. I tried to visualise Harry's unique fighting style, and it only works as a ballet. Not kung fu, or Matrix or anything cool like that. You wrote a ballet, and i loved it. I would really have liked to read what the founders had to say to Fumbledore, but i guess that wasn't to be.
Author's responseHeya, Van.
It did start out pretty depressing, but then I think all the 'Harry in Azkaban' stories do. 'Course, as you said, the books have Harry being set up for slaughter, by Ol' Mr. Twinkles. It's hard to miss.
I thought of it more as modern dance, than Ballet, mesel'. I once watched a guy fighting the police in San Diego. He was on crystal meth. His movements were so much faster, if not as well coordinated, it was amazing to watch, and it took nearly twenty of them over an hour to corral him. He made the lot of them look like yokels chasing a greased pig.
Harry hasn't had the training for anything more complicated than 'make it up as I go', so that's what I did. I'm glad you liked the effect.
I really didn't know how to have the founders deal with Dumbledore, and I thought if I continued along that line, it would have become tedious. (How about this? They all sat in his office glaring at him over each and every decision he made until he screamed in frustration and jumped out his window...and everyone ELSE lived happily ever after. Snicker!)
Thanks for the comments.
- That was a most interesting exercise. I'm not at all certain that so many spirits would manifest themselves, especailly at location but, given their ability to do so, the ending is plausible. 'Twould be mildly entertaining to see how Fudge and Dumbles fare after this, as well as any remaining Deeters who weren't wiped out by that "dance" of Harry's. That one was well written and choreographed.
Author's responseHeya Cat.
Couldn't tell ya. I have no idea what a ghost would do. From canon, a ghost is a dead witch or wizard who either has unfinished business, or is afraid of crossing over. (Sir Nicholas, OotP) I'd imagine that Hermione and Ginny would have had somethings they wanted to get done before they crossed over.
I have the feeling the their respective careers are over. Since Harry's 'demonstration' was in front of nearly a hundred reporters from Europe, where neither of them have much sway, any chance of 'damage control' would be minimal at best.
Thanks for the kind words on the 'dance'. I think I'll go to Hollywood and become a choreographer. Snicker!
(#) Ashestoashes 2009-08-14 02:24:40 PMTotally agree with jeff22003, but I think he didn't mean your writing in this story was sad.
The first, political part was digestible and OK however cliché it was. (Except the H/Hr but that's personal.) Well, in fact only OK because of the clichés now that I think about it, as an often used totally impossible situation to get Harry in Azkaban, whereafter the "real story" begins.
Beginning with the second, fighting part it all came down. The fight was, I don't know how to say it, stupid, static, fanfic, brainless, cliché, with plot holes and everything.
The third, ghost part: see BenRG. Some people like such scenes, I'd like to say more dislike it, but sure about that, I'm not. Still I found it quite improbable and a very irritating and spun out deus ex machina to tie the loose ends in an overly dramatic fashion.
Lastly, if you don't know any French or Latin, don't use/butcher it please! Ministre pour les Affaires Magiques or something like that, Delacour is their name (and with coeur it would be Du Coeur in modern French I guess, but names don't necessarily follow the rules) and Moriturus te salutat.
Oh, and please don't use caps lock for your story titles, but that's just visual comfort (besides the fact it makes you look like some teen girl Veela!Draco/MPreg!Harry fan).
Hmm, quite the negative review, but when one writes some good/moving/original stories, one is expected to at least try to continue that way.
Author's responseOK, I'll take the points as you've raised them.
When I wrote this, in '05, the Harry in Azkaban scene had not yet become cliche`. I have always shuddered at the way the wizards refuse to use any logic or investigation other than a single eyewitness, or ever worse, none, to convict, simply because the sitting minister want's the victim out of the way. Having been a police officer, that really hacks me off.
The fight/dance: I've never read any story like this, so I did not know this was considered cliche`. On the other hand, My dad, told me once, that no joke or story is new. Everything is a recap in one form or other of something done many times before. (that was one of the very few pieces of good advise he ever gave me.)
My French is not something I would normally print. Therefore, I got the translation from Babelfish. Simply put it is 'the minister for magical affairs'.
The name De la Cour, translates directly to 'of the heart'. When I was in the Marine Corps, I knew a guy named De la Paz. He also was French.
Morituri is how I learned it in Dr. Roger Figge (PhD)'s class in highschool.
In spite of the less that glowing review, I appreciate your thoughts.
(#) twilliams1797 2009-08-15 09:46:38 AMFirst, it's good to sse you are still writing, I have enjoyed your work, even when it's dark.
some of the reviewers have what they see as valid criticisms, and as such, is their right, but those of course are like opinions, everyone has one..
sure, it could be seen as cliche, so what, ever watch TV, it's all one big cliche, and there are shows on for years doing the same dang thing.. so, forget the cliche thing.
what I see most commented on is the arrival of the shades.. I don't particularly see that as a problem, it may be the plot device, but it works, it may be on the extreme end of the scale, but then consider Harry's life, he's always been on the extreme ends..
The ballet of death?, quite nicely choreographed.
Faults?, I will admit to being mildly biased, but my only negative criticism is the end.. it doesn't indicate if the story goes any further, but then, it doesn't need to.. in actuality, it shouldn't, unless there is a scene where the restored family(s) is seen in Avalon
Leave it as it is, it's a good story, and on my list of favorites.
Read my stories at:
Author's responseHeya Tim.
Thanks for the praise.
Yeah, I know. Each reviewer, good or bad, helps my writing get better. I don't take offense, because I've written some rather harsh reviews myself.
As I said before, there really isn't much new under the sun. All we can do is polish the stones and see what we can make shine. When I wrote this, it hadn't yet become Cliche.
The shades: It's funny. I thought that would be a unique and interesting way to end this. Ah well.
Ballet of death...I like that. Hollywood, here I come!
I really couldn't do much for afters. Harry riding off into the sunset across the back of a Valkyrie would royally hack off my primary choice of partner for him, Hermione. Ginny would also blow a gasket, and so...
Someone once called me the master of guillotine endings, and I tend to think of them as the perfect way to finish a story.
Thanks for the invite, Tim. I've joined your group.