Even if I begged it to.
“Desirae, can you please explain to me how the fuck you managed to forget a new loaf of bread.” Her mind struggled to come up with an answer. She had not remembered to pick it up, only the milk. How could she forget?
“I-I- didn’t mean to, you only asked me for milk.” She whimpered as his hand collided with her cheek. The stinging and a mark instantly appeared.
“Don’t lie to me. I know what I said.”
“Sorry huh? Sorry! Sorry don’t make up for the fact that you can’t remember anything anymore!” He roared. She wondered if her neighbors often heard his yelling. Would they care? Her face dropped once more as she already knew the answer.
“I’m getting real tired of your excuses girl, you’re just like your mother. A memory of a goddamn fish!” He snapped.
“What’s it gonna take huh? For you to finally do what your told and listen.” Desirae wanted nothing more to fall to her knees screaming words that would never cease. Words that tell him different, tell him how much she tried to please him, and how much he caused her stress, emotionally and physically.
“Well, I guess I’m gonna have to make an alternative won’t I?” He smirked as he paced towards the pantry, her hands began to shake in fear as she knew it would not be good. It never was. She bit her lip as he grabbed a box of something, she was confused as he dumped most of the box unto the floor.
“Sit.” He ordered. She looked back and forth between him and the grainy substance on the floor. He growled when she didn’t move, and he yanked her by her wrist and forced her on her knees. She flinched as the grain began to rub her knees raw. She could feel it scratch and irritate her ivory skin. She cursed him, for holding her sensitive skin against her.
“You sit here until your knees are bloody raw. I’m sick of teaching you lessons girl.” He walked to the fridge and cracked open a beer bottle for turning back to her.
“If I see you move so much as an inch, I promise you won’t move for a week, understand?”
“Yes sir.” She whispered, and he stalked off satisfied. Her body would not move, and she handle it the best she could. It was the only way for it to be done quicker. She sighed as it hurt to stay still, but with every movement it would scratch and cause redness to appear. She would be grateful that today was Friday, the weekend would shield her from the looks she was given by the other students as she hung her head down.
Still somewhere in heart, she was happy to not have to lie on her back in his bed tonight. She couldn’t stand those nights, where she felt so dirty and ashamed. She glanced around the kitchen in effort to past the time. She bit her lip to stop tears from coming as her body tried to cope with the strain it was facing of having to sit still. There was solution, there was no relief.
She could hear noises of music from the record player, letting her know he was still awake. She kept her body still as she knew he would be true to his every word. Half of her wanting to turn her head, half of her fearing he was watching her, in she took. She swallowed as she finished up her punishment, and prayed it was over before her before she couldn’t take it anymore.
“Go to sleep now, and think about the consequences of your actions. You ain’t a little girl no more.” She sniffled from the floor as her joints stiffened and pins and needles filled her feet as her knees bled. There were inflamed and she cringed as they stung with every move she made. She struggled for balance, and fell against the hallway as she used her hands to guide her back to her room. She grabbed her red rag and filled it with water and carefully rubbed the red stain off her wounds.
“Ouch.” She cried as the water burned and she released her tears as the grains were stuck heavily in her knees, and refused to come out causing pain and so much irritation. She feared it was infected. She settled with using her fingernails to pick out the small grains. When all was finished, her knees were still a mess, but it would heal….eventually.
“Moon and the stars call to me, while I lie here wishing I was in the sky flying free, and in the soft breeze there’s no one there but me.” She whispered.
It was a far cry from sleep, but before she knew it the sun had peaked above the horizon and beamed through the small window, while her body was still strained from the previous night. She listened carefully to hear any trace of her father being awake. When she heard no movement, she quickly scampered to the river while limping as her knees were raw.
She sat down slowly and sighed with relief as the cold soft mud was calming to her wounds. The area was still inflamed and itchy creating more pain to her fragile body. She dug up her diary and pen and slowly began to write.
In the end, all I wanted was love. But I didn’t get it, and if I did I wouldn’t know how to use it. I don’t know what its like to feel alright or feel at peace for more than one second. I wonder what its like for a smile to stay on your face all day. Your heart soars with passion and existence, while mine is torn and ripped into small pieces buried somewhere deep. I fear its too late for me to be loved.
She tore out the piece of paper and crumpled it before tossing it in the river and watching it float away down the current and disappearing when it turned the corner. Not even words could help her right now.
Desirae gritted her teeth as she collected bottles into a crate. It was her own secret way of saving money. A last straw of hope that in the future she would have all the money she wanted to leave this forsaken place. She had gathered at least 10 soda pop bottles, and she nodded in approval as she walked through the neighborhood, although the litter was terrible, she felt as if it was left for her. Feeding her future. The sun rays continued to shine down the town, and little kids screamed while they chased each other around.
Desirae felt a slight pang of jealousy as the kids happily grabbed onto each other and laughed as they teased each other. They seemed so carefree and oblivious to the world around them. It was Saturday and most kids were spotted outside, regardless of how old they were, they always had someone by their side. She felt self conscious to see the kids staring at her, most likely wondering why she was alone. She had been asking herself that for the past 15 years.
When all bottles were collected and finally ready to be turned in, she walked carefully down to the recycle center, and relished in the time she had to herself. Her chores were done, and she remembered to pick up the bread like she was ordered. Sweat began to form on her forehead, while she quickly wiped it off. Her dress sometimes catching onto her wounds, as it stuck the seams of her brown dress.
The day halfway gone, and her arms were sore from carrying, but it was better than being at home fearing for her life as her father blamed her time and time again, for things that were unexplainable.
She often wondered if maybe her father resented her. He resented the fact she was a spitting image of her mother and that she was a constant reminder of how he lost his true love. All he saw was her, and she paid the price for it. But Desirae Aurora Amato was nothing like her mother. As she recalled her mother was sweet, caring and strong. Desirae had no will to stand for herself, and she felt as a disgrace to a beautiful lady who had given her life, only to see her fall down like a fallen dove.
She rounded the corner and didn’t notice the person until she collided with him. Her small crate fell the floor, sending the small glasses rolling the side of the building. Her stomach churned as she faced the boy with the hazel eyes.
“Sheesh, watch it will you?” He muttered softly.
“Sorry.” She whispered back. His dusted his shoulders off before helping her off the floor.
“It’s okay.” He shrugged.
“Gerard! What’s the hold up man?” The boy with glasses popped up behind him. She knew it was his brother, Teresa had mentioned him several times, they looked gorgeous up close.
“Keep your knickers on Michael.” He walked off with the brother as she was left to pick up the bottles that had rolled away. As she reached for the last one, a hand beat her to it. She looked up and met the infamous
“I’m real sorry about that. My friend can be so careless sometimes. Here ya go.” He handed her the glass bottle where she gave a soft smile.
“Its no problem, thank you.” She stood up where he she came face to face with his good looking face.
“Don’t you go to our school?”
“Yeah… I do.”
“Huh, well see you around I guess.” He gave a nod and caught up with his friends who were throwing pieces of bread at each other, she smiled and continued on before stopping in her tracks, as she came in contact with the familiar blue eyes. He stared at her with a glare, and she stared back with a frown. He looked at her one last time before walking off where she bit her lip in an attempt to understand his expressions. Couldn’t he realize what he was doing to her? He was everywhere she went, and his face was always the same. What she wouldn’t give to have the power to read what goes on in that head of his.
Once again she continued walking to retrieve her money and the whole way she tried to crack the mysterious case of the boy with the blue eyes and why he was getting to her so much.
Desirae shuffled into her room and hid her new earnings in the floorboard next to her bed.
“Just a little more.” she encouraged herself. Bob was still in her thoughts, and she kept replaying the encounter they had as he stared at her and walked off. Even if it wasn’t a good look, at least he looked at her.
She used the time to write in her diary, this time she had words to write, and they didn’t stop. She wondered what he was doing at the same moment.
“What is wrong with me?” She muttered into the thick air.
“Everything, that’s what.” She whispered after. With the sun working its way back down, the cold grass was relief to her heated body. God knows how long she had left, before he came demanding her attention physically and causing more heartache in the process. It was an unfair one, but thinking about him was enough to get her by until she was faced with reality again. There was no fairytale, and love wouldn’t save her even if she begged it to. Her prayers were the only thing she had left…