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Chapter 8: Facing Severus


Melodia awoke to the sound of her own voice screaming. Drenched with sweat and shivering wildly, she pulled the comforter up around her neck and lay staring at the ceiling in disbelief. "Why must I continue to dream about that?" She asked herself out loud.

For several years after she left Hogwarts, nightmares about Lucius haunted her. They had dissipated recently, and she was almost able to live with the guilt that had consumed her... until now, that is.

Dumbledore had just been pressing her to speak to Severus and tell him honestly what had happened. "Damn!" she cursed. Why was he doing that to her now? Just when she and the Severus were finally together and happy? Her anger turned to tears, and she lay trembling from cold sweat, worrying about how or even if she could tell him. She continued to sob into her pillow until she heard him call to her from outside her bedroom door.

"Loddie? Are you alright?" Severus called into the closed door to her room.

She couldn't answer; her voice refused to work. Trying hard to find the words, she finally lied. "Yes. Really, I'm fine darling" before she burst into loud sobs again.

Beside himself with worry, he called again. "Melodia! Let me in! Open this door now!" She heard worry and aggravation in his voice. She rolled over pulling the comforter over her head, hoping he would think she was only dreaming and go away.

Ashamed of herself for hiding, she reluctantly decided to comply with her lover's command. At that moment, his voice rang out again, a bit more harshly than he did before. "I mean it Melodia, open this door now, or I will!"

With no further warning, the door burst open and Severus ran to her bedside. He saw her lying there in a heap under the covers. She was not moving, but he heard her short, choppy, breathing pattern. She was sniffling as if she had a cold. He sat beside her, pulled the covers away and rolled her over to face him.

Her tear filled eyes looked upon him, and she barely found enough voice to stutter, "I am... s....sorry, Shaggy. Please ...don't....I...I pr...promise...I am..f...fine."

He pulled her into his chest and cuddled her gently, " Shhhh. No darling, clearly you are not." He held her tightly, "What happened? Did you have a bad dream?" She nodded helplessly realizing that he would want answers, and she was dreading his next question. "What has you so upset Love?"

When at last she was able to speak more audibly, she pleaded, "Please Shaggy, I just can't, not yet."

He hugged her closer and said, "It's alright, Loddie. Collect yourself and tell me whenever you are ready. I will wait as long as you need me to."

She closed her eyes, unsure of what to say next. He was so warm and loving. Melodia wondered just how long he would hold her like this when he found out how guilty she really was. She clung to him, savoring the warmth of his arms, feeling his sweet breath on her head, and listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

Just let this last a moment longer, and I will treasure it for the rest of my life, she prayed.

Severus did not press her to speak; he simply held her hating to see her so upset. He loved the feel of her. It was as if his body was made for her to snuggle against. He waited patiently, which was normally very out of character for him, but he had promised to wait. So he did.

After a time, she righted herself to look him in the eyes. What she saw there made her heart swell with love for this wonderful wizard. He was all she had ever loved or dreamed of, and now she knew it was time to test the strength of their bond.

"Do you remember the questions you asked me that morning at the breakfast table?" She asked shakily.

"Indeed I do, love." He answered softly.

Her heart was beating rapidly now, because she knew that there was no going back. "I will try to answer them now, beginning with my nightmare. That will answer one of them. After that, if you still want to hear the rest, I will tell you then."

Astonished at her words, Severus took her face in his hands and soothed. "Why would I NOT want to hear the rest?" He kissed her affectionately on the lips, "Pray continue, Love, I am here for the duration."

Meekly, she began to speak, "In my dream....bad dream I should say, I was re-living the most horrid moment of my life." Severus made no sound, but squeezed her tightly and listened intently. "What I am about to tell you, is very hard for me." He felt her body tremble, and kissed her on the forehead. "Our last day together before I left Hogwarts. You know, when we went to Hogsmeade?"

She felt him flinch a little, but he answered, "Yes, Love."

"After you left me at Honeydukes, to practice for the Quidditch match against Gryffindor......" she paused a moment, to steady her self. Her voice became weak, but she knew she had to go on, "I didn't want you to know how badly I wanted to go along with you, so I made up that story about shopping. When you left the store, I followed you. I didn't tell you because I was afraid that you would think me too 'clingy' if I asked to go along, and I didn't want pressure you or scare you away."

She paused for a moment, expecting some kind of response, but Severus only held her, and closed his eyes. He wanted so badly to tell her that she had been wrong. He would have never been scared away by that. He would have loved nothing better than to have her stay with him that day. He swallowed hard and allowed her to continue without interruption. He prodded her to go on by asking, "You followed me?"

"Yes, to the Quidditch field. I was hiding behind a large bush, near the grandstand watching you fly, and admiring how graceful you were in the air......" her voice faded off and he could tell that she was struggling, but he said nothing.

"I was trying to be careful, so that you would not catch me spying on you. Especially knowing that I had lied to you. That's when I heard his voice behind me.....I ....he.....said.....awful things" She was trembling again, and tears formed in her eyes.

She felt him flinch again, but this time he took her face in his hands and asked, "He who? Who said awful things to you, Loddie?"

She pushed on and tried to finish what she had begun. "I still see him in my dreams, I mean, I used to a lot, but it got better ...until Uncle Albus .....told me ....that I should tell you about it now."

He opened his mouth to speak, but she laid her finger on his lips. "Please Shaggy, I need to finish this." He nodded, but was terribly disturbed at how upset she seemed.

"Uncle said you deserved to know what happened.....and why I had to go away....but I've been too afraid." He wanted to ask more questions. Instead he pulled her close again and stroked her hair gently.

Melodia began sob again and stuttered what came next terribly, "He made f....fun of you, and c...called you...n....names..." she sniffled again and then, "He said...you couldn't...give me...the th...things that he c...could..so..he... was going to m..m..ake me his. He was.. dr...drunk and in...sulting. He t..tore my clothes...tr...trying to...."

Severus jumped quickly turning her to face him again. His face was reddening, "Who was it, Loddie Did he hurt you? Who was it? Tell me now!" He was angry with her now. She just knew it. Tears fell from her eyes, and she didn't think she could go on.

Feeling guilty for his outburst, Severus held her again closely. "Forgive me Love, I will try not to interrupt you again."

She nodded, "It...was..L..he...tried to ....." She burst in to tears, clinging to him and shivering.

He lifted her chin up and said, "Dear God! He tried to what? He almost shouted. Reeling from her confession, he asked, "Who Loddie? Give me a name!" He couldn't understand. What bastard would do this to her? Whoever it was had apparently tried to rape his darling Loddie. And now, she was so distraught, she could not even speak of it. He worried that the attacker had been successful. He had to find out. "Darling, will you let me help you?"

Puzzled by this question, she asked him, "How? I mean, how could you possibly?"

"Let me enter your mind. I will use Legilimency so I can see this for myself." She was both touched and horrified by his offer.

Recognizing the look in her eyes, Severus pulled her closer to him, "Only if you agree, Love. I will not brow beat you into it." He messaged her back and kissed her head. Knowing she could not say the words herself, she shakily agreed. "Good girl. Now, sit up."

He removed his wand from his coat, "You must look into my eyes, Love, just until I can get inside your mind. You will know when I am there." His instructions were carefully disclosed, and she saw that he was very serious. She was not as nervous as she thought she'd be. She trusted him with her life. "Do you understand, Loddie." I will need your help to do this."

She smiled through drying tears, and said, "I will do anything you ask of me."

Severus smiled gently and kissed her sweet lips once more. "Alright Love, let us begin."


He pointed his wand at her and she concentrated on his face, determined to follow his instructions to the letter. His dark eyes began to look black and cold, as if they were drained of emotion. She shivered as she noticed that about him.

Then he said, with quiet forcefulness, "Legilimens!" Melodia felt her mind being opened. She had never felt anything quite like it, and found it a bit unnerving, "Relax my Love, I am there now." She heard him say this, not with her ears, but with her mind. He could feel her hesitance, so he coaxed her forward, "Take me there, Loddie. Take me to that day."

He saw himself sitting with her in Honeydukes, they were smiling at each other and sipping butter beer. Severus heard her telling him how special he was, and witnessed her kissing him for the first time. He heard himself say he wanted to practice for the big match, then she said that she had some shopping to do and would catch up to him later.

Melodia felt his loving presence in her mind; she was glad that she agreed to this. She found it a bit easier to relax her mind completely, so that he could see everything clearly.

He saw her watching him practice. She was admiring him. He heard her thoughts about him, and then felt her fear of him seeing her there spying on him. Abruptly there was a voice behind her. He saw that it was Lucius Malfoy. Stunned, yet still holding his connection to her, he heard all of the despicable things that Lucius had said to her, and felt both her repulsion and contempt.

The memories became choppy and whirled quickly about her conscience. Lucius was pawing at her, physically causing her pain. 'his tongue in her mouth...thrusting lustily... groping clumsily at her blouse... roughly fondling her breasts... hand clamped onto her back ...painfully crushing himself to her ... squeezing and tugging. She was powerless to stop it.

Then suddenly he heard her thoughts shift from herself to him. "Severus can't see this! Dear God, please help me!" Severus felt his body sway in reaction to all of this, but somehow held his concentration.

He saw her telling Dumbledore about the attack, begging him not to send her away. She was sobbing in her room, then he heard her blame herself. And believing Severus would believe her cheap. He felt her shiver with hurt and shame. Her body was racked with sobs.

That was more than enough. He could stand no more. His concentration broke suddenly and they fell back together on the bed. His eyes were tightly shut. Severus was barely able to cope with what had just transpired between them. His heart was racing and his head was spinning, not from the Legilimency, but from what he had witnessed during this session.


When he opened his eyes, she was gazing at him curiously, as if she were waiting for an explosion. He gently pulled her into his chest again, and said, "That was not your fault, Love. It was mine." Silence passed between them, he was raging within himself. If had only asked her to come with him, if he had known that she was there, she would not have been hidden, and would not have been an easy target for Malfoy! He hated himself at that moment.

"No Shaggy, it was wrong of me to lie to you, then spy on you, but I couldn't help it. I loved you even then, and it was a rather sneaky thing to do, so I was ashamed of myself"

Fresh tears began to fall from her dazed eyes, "I would rather have stayed away forever, than have you find out what I had done, and hate me for acting so...much like a tramp," she finished.

Severus flushed with anger, he sat up so quickly it frightened her. "Don't be ridiculous Melodia! You were young, as was I. What I find foolish is that you meant to continue hiding it from me, thinking I would somehow blame you!" His anger was mixed with hurt, and she knew it. "Lucius Malfoy put that in your head! Damn him!"

He realized that he had frightened her, so in a calmer voice he said, "If only you had cried out for me! I would have readily stopped him, regardless of the cost."

The look on her precious face told him he had upset her again, and his guilt returned full force. "Forgive me, Loddie, I should not have reacted that way." He closed his eyes again, then opened them to see her face when he said, "No woman ever asks for this type of treatment from a man." He sighed heavily, "I swear to you, no man will ever treat you in such a way, ever again. I will kill him first. Just as I intend to kill Malfoy."

Her expression changed suddenly, "No Severus, you will not. I will not hear of it." Suddenly afraid of what he might do she scolded him, "I refuse to believe that I have found you again only to lose you to the walls of Azkaban, or worse."

She was more herself now, and was thinking clearly for the first time. "Do you understand me, Severus? There was nothing you could have done then, except ruin your life, just as you will now, if you try and avenge me. What's done is done, and as long as I know that you don't blame me, or hate me, I can live with it now." She took his face in her hands, and kissed him tenderly on his thin lips. "I love you, Shaggy, and we are together now. That is all that matters." He said nothing, but closed his eyes again, and reveled in her loving embrace.

"Make love to me, Darling. I need you so much," she almost pleaded.

Without opening his eyes, he refused, "No Loddie, not tonight. Right now I wish only to stay with you, and ...just hold you." She nodded obediently, feeling somehow that she understood his mind a bit better than before, and with no argument from her, they lay back on the bed together, and finished this journey the way it began, in each other's arms.

Severus lay awake as she slept in his arms. He struggled with the revelation of what Malfoy had done to his precious girl.

No one had ever found him worthy to even speak to, much less to spend time with but she did. He knew himself to be difficult and anything but handsome, but for some reason, this woman loved him. She did as a girl, and she did today. She had changed him, and in spite of the danger ahead, he knew he would never give her up again.

Gently he kissed her and she opened her eyes. "Are you alright, Love?" he asked. She smiled, "I'm always ok with you, Severus." She answered honestly.

"Thank you, Shaggy." she yawned then relaxed against him as she said, "I prayed for your forgiveness, and my prayer was answered."

Severus felt her nestled to his. Without a word, he lifted her face to his and kissed her eyes and her mouth. "You had no say in the decisions that were made on your behalf. Therefore, there is nothing to me to forgive."

Immensely relieved, she asked again, "Please make love to me, Shaggy. I truly need you."

His precious girl needed him, and that's all he needed to know. "This time, Love", he whispered, "I believe I will." just before his mouth covered hers again, with a far more passionate kiss.