suspicions and confirmations.
After dropping off Asia with Jamia, considering Bob and the rest of the band were practicing at the studio; I unfortunately took the opportunity to go to the drugstore with Tephira at my aid, us being permanently attached since she came back to Newark.
"Well? Is it positive?" Tephira asked impatiently as I shook my head.
"I don't know, it's still configuring my future." I say sarcastically as I hold the pee stick in my hand with resentment. This was exactly the way I felt when I first had to take a pregnancy test with Asia. I tap my finger hastily until the timer on my phone goes off and I anxiously look at the test with one eye open.
"Negative. Please be negative." I whisper as I'm slapped in the face with two pink lines. I feel my stomach drop as I drop the test on the floor.
"Fuck." I hiss as Tephira picks up the test and awkwardly puts it on the counter.
"Maybe it's inaccurate." she offers as I shake my head at her.
"No, karma wouldn't give me that satisfaction." I retort as she puts her hand on mine.
"Pregnant again? Really? I don't even know how this happened. Me and Bob haven't even...done it that much, much less without protection!" I exclaim throwing my hands in the air.
"Tissa relax. It's going to be okay." she tells me as I sit on the floor, back against the wall and do what I do best. Cry.
"How can I relax? I'm pregnant and I'm not even sure I want to be. How is this going to affect everything with Bob? We barely made things work, this shouldn't happen at least for a couple years, hell it probably shouldn't have happened at all!" I reply as I look at her.
"How can I be so stupid? After everything that happened, I still didn't learn my lesson. It's punishment. Everything is a punishment." I add putting a hand to my head as she joins me on the floor.
"You're not stupid...well okay maybe a little." she replied as smiled at her while she bumped my shoulder.
"Come on, you know you're not stupid. Things just...happen, you and I are fully aware of that. Maybe this won't be so bad at all? Maybe it'll bring you guys closer." she offered as I shook my head.
"Bob's going on tour anytime now, he's not going to be thrilled, nor am I, that I'm pregnant by him. Again. I knew this was going to go shit. Why me? Am I that much of a horrible person that every time Karma's on the rag and needs someone to take it out on, I'm the first candidate?" I ask rhetorically as she laughs slightly and shakes her head.
"Just give it some time." she replies as I want to snap again, but restrain myself. I'm too tired anyways.
"So when are you going to crack the news to Bob?" she asked curiously as I rolled my eyes.
"Lets not and say we did." I replied as she rolled her eyes this time while I shrugged.
"Not right away. Perhaps I should go to the doctor first, maybe there's a slight chance this test could be wrong?" I asked her in a hopeful tone while she nodded.
"Maybe Tissa. Maybe."
"Well, you're definitely pregnant." the doctor smiled at me as I groaned inside.
"Perfect. How far along am I?" I mumble.
"8 weeks as of now." he explains.
"I don't understand, if I'm 8 weeks, why am I barely getting sick?" I asked like an idiot while he smiled.
"Well Tissa, every woman is different. Some get sick in the very beginning, some don't at all. It just depends on how your body reacts to it." he replied as I nod, even though I'm less than interested in having this conversation.
"So far everything seems good, I'm going to prescribe you prenatal vitamins...are there any questions or concerns?" he asked kindly.
"Yeah, are you sure you're not making a mistake?" I asked carefully while he looked confused.
"I'm afraid not." he assured me as I nodded and mentally slapped myself silly while he finished the paperwork while I attempted not to throw up again.
"Why did you have to go and plant yourself in my uterus?" I ask sarcastically as I walk out of the hospital. I get in my car and I freeze when I see a picture of Asia taken when she was barely a year. I smile and touch it before leaning my head against the steering wheel and sighing.
I should be happy shouldn't I? Of course I shouldn't.
It was deja vu all over again. The resentment, the worry, of having a baby all rushing back to me. I was happy with Asia after she was born. I was okay with the idea of having children. So if I was able to be happy with that...
Why couldn't I be happy with this one?
"Because." I reminded myself. This was entirely different. This was too soon, way too soon. The buzz on my cellphone went off, followed by Flyleaf's 'Again' filling the air as I picked it up.
"Hello?" I said lowly as I heard Tephira sigh on the other end.
"I take it it's official?" she asks curiously while I shake my head.
"It's official. Let's bust out the champagne and celebrate." I say sarcastically as she laughs on the other end.
"Aren't you excited a little?" she asks as I look at the clock and shrug.
"Honestly? No. I'm not. What's wrong with me?" I ask her softly.
"It's just nerves, as you go along I'm sure you'll be happier."
"Teph, you don't understand. I'm feeling hatred towards this 'baby' that I didn't even feel with Asia, that can't possibly be good." I put in while she sighs again.
"Tissa you can't blame the baby." she pointed out as I rolled my eyes but knew she was right.
"I know." I whispered.
"Like I said, just give yourself sometime to think, rationally of course. Then go on from there."
"I'll try." I finally answered.
"Good. I gotta go, but I'll check in with you later."
"Okay. Bye." I said glumly before hanging up the phone and putting it back in my bag, only to have it ring again. I pull it back out and my stomach twists at the mention of Bob. I open the text he sent me and sigh.
Staying a little later than planned, sorry. See you later. Love you.
I put the phone back in my bag and start the car before driving home and start to think. There was no way I was raising this baby alone if Bob had to be on tour, that was for sure. Now all I had to do was plan out how I was going to explain this to Bob and how he would react.
Or if I even told him at all...