I had to walk past Gerard to get to the other other table, which made him see me and stare at me for ages until it was recess and the rest of the classes were coming back. I literally hid behind a pile of books at one point! I was freaked out!
But then, as usual, I got my daily dose of pain from Alex without Gerard’s help. Gerard just kept walking without looking back, even after Alex called him, he kept walking with his hands at his face. I watched him until he has disappeared, even though I was on the floor being kicked in the ribs because Gerard was beautiful and... nothing hurt.
But I’m still seriously considering taking the .45 out my locker... I’m seriously sick of being Mr. Weak and unfeared. Maybe if I pointed it at Alex I’ll get to watch him beg for me to leave him alone, see how it is for him. Then, even after I’m satisfied with that, I still may paint the lockers with his brains because he never just leaves me alone. It would be for the many years of torture and pain, emotional damage, the scars on my wrists and the many suicide attempts. It will be the end of the once feared emotionally unstable Alex. I’ll be doing people a favour, right?
Frank, 3 December
Note: Fuck Alex!
I was close to pulling out the gun today... Alex was beating up on me at my locker just as everyone had gone into class. My locker was open and I was in perfect range, I could have ended it right there and then but Gerard was there. I didn’t want this mess on his hands, he wasn’t doing anything anymore, well, he wasn’t doing anything to help me either, but I didn’t want Alex’s brains on him, have him mentally scarred for the rest of his life. I wouldn’t do that to him. So I left it, and I hope that next time Gerard isn’t there. I thought about it and I want to end this, all of it with Alex and me. I want to feel his blood on my hands, the recoil of the gun when I shoot him. I just want him dead!
Frank, 4 December