Economic humor.How depressing.
And to Maria-aka Kill_the_mainstream-should I call ficwadders by their Christian names?They don't really teach you fan-fiction etiquette in school-don't worry about the irrelevance of the Gerard quote.I bring him into nearly every conversation.Example:
Geography Teacher: Right girls,now I'll test you on your learning homework ye had last night.Close your books.Right..so,what's a positive effect of tourism on Switzerland?Yes,Lauren?
Lauren:GERARD WAY!Oh,and generating income and employment.
Lauren's Dad:Do you know where the cat is?I tried looking everywhere,do you know who might have seen her last?
Lauren's Dad:Who is this man and what the fuck has he done with our cat,Lauren?!
Jesus Christ,I ramble so fucking much. On with the story.
Lauren's Current Inspirations:"Brianstorm" by Arctic Monkeys-yes it is actually spelled that way-how utterly gorgeous Adele is,how my friend gets to go see Beady Eye and she is considering bringing me.
"Gerard?"Mikey asks,clanking his fork down on his plate."Will you please escort me tot he bathroom?"
I narrow my eyes."Mikey,I think you'll be okay solo.You have been since you were four-"
Everyone at the table averts their gaze to Mikey,who is glaring at me from over his glasses.
"Fine,"I sigh."I'll be back in a minute,you guys."
We sweep quickly over the floor of the restaurant.I think it's just the childish part of me coming out,but I always think people in suits are the shit.Like,you can seriously do no wrong in the fucking things.You put on the vest,shirt,jacket and trousers and bam! you're awesome.When you're in a suit,you don't walk;you simply glide.
As I am vacantly dreaming of men's upholstery,Mikey grabs me by the elbow and steers me towards a wall.
"Mikey,what the fuck-"
"Gerard,listen to me."He bores into my eyes,like little staring competitions we used to do when we were little."This is a diversion.Just part of the plan.We have to wait for a few minutes and then wait for Monty's signal.."
"Signal?Waiting?Part of what plan?WHOSE PLAN?"I shriek.
A waiter glides over.
(He's wearing a suit.)
"Sirs,is everything satisfactory?The lavatory is situated on the right,if everything is accustomed to your taste?"
We stare at him incredulously,our mouths gaping.He sighs and rubs his temples.
"Listen fellas,the shitter's down to the right.Can't figure out why in shit's name you'd be doing out here,anyway."
Mikey shakes his head."No,we're just...chatting."
The waiter shrugs."Whatever man,I get paid fifteen an hour whether you yuppies piss or not."
With that elegant choice of words,he walks away,smoking.
"Mikey,the weird waiter is right,"I whisper-shout angrily,"what the fuck are we doing out here?!I should be in there-"I jerk my thumb towards the restaurant-"proposing to my boyfriend."
"When you're engaged,it's called fiancée."
My death glare dares him to go on.
"Okay,Gerard,no need to get PMS-y with me."
"I am not getting "PMS-y" with you,it's just we are currently outside a men's bathroom that smells like BLOWJOBS AND DEPRESSION!"
"How can you smell depression?"
"Alright,alright.This is part of a plan.I ask you to come with me for something-"
"The bathroom?Really,Mikey?No wonder you flunked high school."
"Oh My God,how does Frank fucking stand you?"
I grimace."I have devilish good looks.Go on."
"Our friends.Y'know,Ray,Bob,people like that?"
"Well,they're gonna make up some story saying they left the oven on or something and then when Montgomery gives the signal-"
"Giving you the finger-"
"Mikey,she does that on a fairly regular basis already,so that's going to be pretty hard to distinguish."
He rolls his eyes."Whatever.When she gives the signal,I walk home with them and you and Frank get some privacy to do..."he blushes and looks at his shoes"......whatever it is you do."
I roll my eyes."Mikey,I'm proposing marriage,not a gang bang,you tool."
He shuffles uncomfortably."I just wanted you and Frankie to have a really nice time tonight,Gee."
I smile,nearly in tears.If I'm crying when my nerdy brother tells my ex-girlfriend to give me the finger,how am I going to cope when I propose to my boyfriend?
"Aw,Mikey,"I gush,"thanks,bro."I pull him into a tight bear hug.I watch some people leave the reataurant,and suddenly something catches my eye.Is that woman telling me to f-
"MIKEY!"I yell."MONTGOMERY!THE SIGNAL!"
Mikey,ever the gentleman,kisses me lightly on the cheek.
"Good luck,Gerard,"he whispers.He runs off into the dark-it must be eleven at this stage-and I hear him shout "Guys!Wait up,you guys!"
I walk towards the restaurant.The minute the warm,upper class laughing and jesting hits my ears,so do the nerves.My legs are jelly,my mind is a constant whir,colours and thoughts spinning around.I tell myself to relax,to calm down,pretend it's just another conversation with Frank,you dumbass,about last night's episode of South Park or something....
Certainly.If South Park means asking the man you love to spend you the rest of your lives together.
Brain,I think you have meconfused with someone who cares.
(I have actually been waiting the whole bloody story-that's 26 chapters so far-to say that.Just thought you'd like to know.)
I approach our table,feeling quite faint.
"Gerard."He sighs with relief,his eyes that breathtaking shade of smoldering brown."The guys said they had to leave.Left the oven on or something.Can you believe that?"He laughs sunnily,giggling like a little kid.
"Yeah,"I say nervously,chuckling.
"I mean,all seven of them left their ovens on?What are the odds,y'know?"
"Mmm,"I grunt.My mouth has a sharp metallic tang,and I realize this is due to my biting my own lip so hard."I'm gonna go pay Frank,if you wanna wait outside."
Frank gets up,looking a bit hurt.I walk over to the maitre d' and pay,worrying my nerves have come across as annoyance.
I find him waiting outside.I take a fag out of my pocket,and suggest:
"How about a little midnight walk,Frank?"
He nods silently,fumbling at my elbow.I wonder why the fuck he is molesting my elbow when I realize he's bending my arm so we can walk arm in arm.
It makes me grin like an idiot,which, incidentally,causes me to blow smoke directly into my eye.But it's worth it,walking down the boardwalk with this beautiful kid,a cigarette in my mouth and a ring soon to be on his finger.
We enjoy a few peaceful moments on the promenade-except for some drunk college students,who ran up to us,waering long wigs and yelling "Sharon!" in a dodgy British accent-until Frank mummers,
"Gerard,why are you pissed at me?It wasn't the joke I made at dinner,was it?Iron Maiden are a good band,I just-"
"Frank,"I cut him short."I'm not pissed off at you.I'm just..."I stop walking,and lean on the barrier,looking over the sea.(If you're wondering what it's like,y'know the bit in Forrest Gump after Jenny does "Blowin' In The Wind" naked and she's looking over the railing,talking about commiting suicide?Yeah,it's like that.)"I'm just thinking."
I sigh heavily.Here I go.
"Frank,if I were to ask you something in a moment,would you answer me truthfully,devoid of all lies?"
He nods slowly."Gerard,what are you saying-"
"Frank,do you love Skittles?"
"Skittles,you like them,don't you?"
He peers closely at me."Have you been drinking?"
"Skittles?What,yeah,I love 'em."
"On a scale of one to ten,where would they rank?"
Frank looks at me as if I have just said I wish to have sex with a cow.
"Okay then."I inhale a sharp intake of breath.I lean closer towards him,about an inch form his angelic face."Frank,"I breathe,"do you love me?"
"Yes,"he states without hesitation."Gerard,fuck yes."He cups my face in his hands."You weren't gonna jump,were you?!"
I must be one of the few people in the history of anything that caused their partner to think they were committing suicide when they're trying to propose.
"No.Frank,what am I on the scale?"
Frank shakes his head,obviously trying to think what he fuck I'm getting at.
"A million.Two million.The highest fucking number in the world."Tears well up in his eyes,and start spilling down his face."Gerard.....are you trying to break up with me?"He grabs me by my jacket,so our foreheads are touching."Because I couldn't fucking live like that,Gerard.I couldn't live without you."
"Frankie,of course not."I laugh in frustration,and then decide to abandon all pretense."This is my ass backwards way of proposing to you actually,"I chuckle.
His eyes gleam,and his hands fall from my face."What....what...what did you say?"
I smile,and pull up one of my trouser legs.I kneel on the ground,and reach into my pocket.
Thank fuck briefly passes through my mind.It's there,thank the fuckin Lord.
"Frank Anthony Iero,"my mouth hammers off the words I've been rehearsing for several months,"will you do me the honour of marrying me?"
He throws his arms around my neck,and I can feel the hot,wet prickly drops of tears gushing down his cheek as he grips me.
"Gerard Way,"he mumbles into my ear softly,"Gerard Way,I love you."
"Frank,I love you too.So damn much,Frankie."
I hug him back,my eyes streaming too.I hear clapping,and turn around,I see a crowd of around fifty people grinning and cheering.Among them are our friends-Mikey is crying on Shannon's shoulder,I notice-and the college students who have taken off the wigs.
"Frank,you still haven't answered me."
Oh God,this is like the "up the ass" scenario.
"Yes or no,Frank?"
The crowd laughs and he blushes violet.And then:
"Of course,Gerard.Until the body-snatchers come,I'm yours."
hahaha Frerard-ness :D
last line is a reference to "bodysnatchers" by Radiohead,which the lead title-"Full of Holes"-is taken from.