Lindsey thinks back on what went wrong.
Chapter Eight: For The Heart I Once Had
It was the start of second half of the second month at the rehab. Lindsey sat through her afternoon group, elbow resting on leg, head resting on hand. Listening to people's boring, mundane problems about what lead them to addiction. Not that it wasn't interesting at first, but after the 10th or so group meeting, the stories got repetitive. It was amazing how much drug addicts had in common. They all wanted one thing: an escape. A rush. Something to spice up their monotone lives.
Lindsey didn't have a monotone life. She never did. Ever since she was a little girl, her life had always been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Raised by an alcoholic father, and a mother who was constantly gone, working to support both of them. While her father had never laid a hand on her, he had been horribly verbally abusive. His constant jabs at her had caused her self esteem to plummet at a young age, and she had sought comfort in food. This then led her to spend most of her childhood and high school days ranging from obese to chubby, giving her father and kids at school even more material to attack her with.
She had finally got around to losing the weight when she hit college, and it was such a long and difficult road. But Lindsey had fought hard for it, and she eventually got there. And when she did, she had looked gorgeous. It had been a new start for her. She gained plenty of new friends, and gained an interest in bass, art, and joining bands. She went to shows, getting to know people in the music scene. And the rest was history.
She remembered MSI's rise as a band. She remembered meeting Gerard Way, and she remembered them clicking right off the bat. Lindsey had had such a crush. Unfortunately, upon that first meeting, Gerard was dating someone at the time. And while she knew he had some attraction to her as well, in the end, he had gone home with the girl he was dating. Lindsey hadn't been sure why this had saddened her so --- there were many men, some just as cute Gerard, if not cuter, that she could have had. But she had wanted that one. Of course, she didn't exactly fight to keep him either. When they had parted ways at the end of the tour, she had sufficed by telling him a casual "See you around." before turning her back on him and heading back home.
When they met again, she thoroughly believed it must be fate. Especially when she saw their chemistry was only stronger that time around. Gerard was then single, and Lindsey did not hesitate. She and Kitty would plot ways to seduce him, like giggling little school girls trying to bag the popular boy on campus. It hadn't been hard at all -- Gerard was a sucker. He seemed more like the fumbling, stuttering, shy geek than the popular boy, despite his obvious popularity. He had just gotten out of a relationship with one Eliza Cuts, and he was vulnerable. She remembered all the flirting. All the writing on each other. She remembered their first time, when they had snuck off, away from everyone else, and gotten a hotel room. She remembered the passion. She also remembered Mikey disliking her at first. He would shoot her dirty looks, or point out flaws of hers to Gerard. Lindsey had an inkling Mikey knew what she wanted, and she knew he was just trying to protect his brother. But perhaps because Mikey saw that they truly cared for each other, or that she made Gerard as happy as she did, Mikey did eventually soften.
Because Lindsey did truly care about him. At at least one point or another, she truly, truly did. And he had shown her nothing but undying, unconditional love. They had a beautiful baby girl together. And they both had thought they had achieved their happy endings.
What had happened?
Lindsey knew all too well, and was regretting the answer day by day. Postpartum depression had been an issue with her shortly after giving birth to Bandit. She had recovered from it quickly, although it had left her traumatized.
So when her sudden depressive state led her to realize she was pregnant with a second child, she knew she had to terminate it.
Gerard was no advocate of abortion. She knew if she tried to get one, he would find out. She was a dependent on his health insurance. So what did she do? Stuffed herself with cocaine in a desperate, desperate hope of a miscarriage.
It hadn't worked.
Something was still there, inside of her.
And one day, he was going to find out.
And it would emerge, probably mangled and deformed.
Because of what she did.
"Lindsey?", a gentle voice penetrated her thoughts. Lindsey was brought back to reality as she looked at the circle of people around her, looking at her curiously. Their group leader smiled at her and asked, "Do you have anything you'd like to share?"
Lindsey smiled a small smile in return and said, "No."
Lindsey walked back to her bed during break, hoping to take a nap that would clear her head. It was all she could do anymore when the "bad" thoughts started clustering in her brain. While the rehab claimed to be a place for healing, she could swear it was only driving her closer to insanity each and every day.
Then again, maybe she had been that way for a while now.
She saw she had mail in her inbox. One of them was a letter from someone with an obviously fake return name and address. She had a feeling she knew who it was from. She opened it to see her drug dealer’s sloppy scrawl. She sat on the bed as she read the short message.
You haven't paid me the money you owe. I know where your husband and daughter live.
'What an idiot', was the first thing she thought. Did he really think she could pay him while she rehab? Then came the thought of Gerard and Bandit. She knew Ryan was threatening them. And Ryan was not someone who gave out empty threats.
Ironic wasn't it, that in her attempt to murder her unborn child, she may have ended up murdering the family she already had? Then again, who was she to talk about murder? She can't even do that right. She can't do anything right. So why even bother do anything anymore? Just -- fuck it.
Lindsey sighed, and dug through her tote bag. She saw Gerard had packed in The Black Parade. She popped it into the CD player, switched to "I Don't Love You" and collapsed onto the bed.
Next chapter: Frank’s turmoil.